Family Guy (1998–…): Season 18, Episode 4 - Disney's The Reboot - full transcript

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

Welcome, everyone.

My name is Von Jiener,



and I'm Vice President
of Creative Bankruptcy

for the Fox TV network,

which, at the time
of this writing,

is still a thing that exists.

Just from looking at
your clothes and weight,

I can tell you all watch a lot
of free network television.

Am I right?

(laughs)
Excellent.

You have been selected
to be part of a focus group

that could affect
one of America's

most beloved television shows:
Family Guy.

That woman looks
exactly like me.

That's your reflection, Peter.

Oh.



I'm beautiful.

As you may or may not care,

Family Guy is in
its 17th season.

And since Fox is now owned
by Disney,

which will someday be owned
by Netflix,

which will someday be
owned by Pornhub,

we have decided that Family Guy
is ready for a reboot.

Reboot? I thought they said
it was a couple of tweaks.

Yeah, we're supposed to
trust these idiots?

That woman has her finger
up her nose.

That's still
your reflection, Peter.

Oh. She's beautiful.

Now, as most unfunny women
will tell you,

women are very funny.

That's why our first reboot
is built around

the very popular Louise.

- LOIS: It's Lois.
- Whatever. The mom.

- (upbeat sitcom music playing)
- LOIS: ♪ This is our time ♪

♪ This is our moment ♪

♪ This is a short song
for syndication. ♪

Lois!

Going to work, huh?

Yes, Joe, I'm going to work.

Great! More and more women
are doing that.

♪ ♪

(bicycle bell rings)

Good morning, goddess.

You know, I just want
to say again that you were

totally right last night
to bring up

that thing I did wrong
11 years ago.

And please feel free
to bring it up again anytime,

even if we're talking about
something completely unrelated.

Thank you, Peter, I will.

(laughs):
Oh, I-I know you will.

- Morning, Lois.
- Hey, girl.

Oh, hello, gay couple
who's constantly jogging.

What are you up to
this morning?

Just adopting
and pucker-kissing.

Yeah, we're network TV gay,

so all we can do is
adopt children

and pucker-kiss,
no tongue stuff.

- Isn't that right, sweetie?
- BOTH: Mwah!

Well, I'm off to
my high-powered job

at a fashion magazine,
greeting card company or winery.

I can't wait to see which.

LOIS:
Oh, yay! It's a winery!

Good morning, Judy Greer.

Morning, Lois.
How was your night last night?

Great. I worked out,
made dinner,

a little family time,

and had Peter's ankles
up in the air by 11:00.

God, I admire you.

That's what you're here for,
Judy Greer.

(gasps)
Oh, I almost forgot.

Bert wants to see you
in his office.

- Oh? What about?
- He didn't say.

But it sounded hashtag serious.

Aw, meeting with the boss.

This is gonna be worse than
finding a spider in the kitchen.

Oh, my God.

Peter, there's a spider in here!

Yeah, I know, genius.

Hi, Lois.

I wanted to let you know

I'm considering you
for a big promotion.

Really? That's amazing.

(chuckles):
Well, the job's not yours yet.

It's between you
and one other person,

Smarmy J. Tie-Straightener
the Third.

I hit a gay jogger
on my way to work today.

♪ ♪

(toilet flushes)

Sorry I only satisfied you
twice tonight.

I found a pouch of
Big League Chew earlier,

and my jaw is worn out.

You did great, Peter.

Good night, perfect.

Aw, I just don't know what to do
about this thing at work.

I-- Are we still
talking about that?

I mean, it's fine
if we are, w-we just--

We talked about it
before dinner

and-and during dinner
and after dinner.

No, you're right.
I'll be fine.

Good night, Peter.

(sighs):
Oh.

I just want
this promotion so bad.

Okay, so we are
talking about it.

You know what?
I'll make a vision board.

See my success
and be my success.

My testosterone is so low I
could not have thought of that.

Would you like me to put on
our sleep ocean noises

with an occasional
shocking seagull screech?

Yes, thanks.
I have a big day tomorrow.

Good night.

(ocean waves sloshing)

(seagull screeches)

Excuse me.
(clears throat)

May I have your attention,
please?

Now, I know you're all wondering

who is going to get
the big promotion,

and I'm proud to announce
that person is Smarmy...

Excuse me, where do I put
this briefcase full of money?

Uh, who are you?

I'm president of Wine and
Paint Night Incorporated.

Lois Griffin
just landed my account

through her wit,
charm and professionalism.

Is that so?
Well, in that case,

the big promotion
goes to Lois Griffin!

- (cheering)
- (fanfare playing)

What can I say?
I love my wife.

Eh, it's my show.
Why shouldn't this be me?

'Cause I'm the funny one.

Not on this show you're not.

Or am I?

Ah, I thought we had
one more face.

So, what did you think?

And please keep in mind
that your spontaneous comments

will affect the jobs
of hundreds of people.

Come on, you idiots,
don't screw me.

The show is from
a woman's perspective,

but it still felt like
it was written by a man.

Okay, well,
what if I told you shut up?

Yeah, kind of changes things,
doesn't it?

Anyone else?

I'm sorry, I was scrolling
through the weather

in random cities.

Great! You're taking this
very seriously.

You know what, I don't
really get Family Guy.

What's so hard to get?

You just need to have
grown up in the '80s

but still be a teenager.

So, based on that one episode
featuring Lois,

how many of you would
likely watch a second?

LOIS:
Son of a bitch!

Anything else?

Huh, 76 in Santa Fe
right now.

Hey, what's going on
in that room?

It's a focus group
of Arby's executives

watching us eat.

- Oh!
- No way!

- He ate it!
- People will eat anything!

50 bucks says the fat girl eats

a third Big Beef 'n Cheddar.
Who's on it?

-Okay.
-I'll take that.
-You got it.

-Oh, come on, buddy.
-Don't do it.
-Here she comes.

All right, kid, take your time.

-Yeah!
-Gross!
-Damn it!

Many recent shows
have found success

by rebooting themselves as
gritty supernatural teen dramas,

like Teen Wolf or Riverdale,

which are watched by as many
as 6,000 people a year,

so we thought a similar approach
might work for Family Guy.

I'm guessing we're wrong,
but let's find out for sure.

(slow, dramatic music playing)

FEMALE SINGER:
♪ Ooh, ooh... ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh... ♪

♪ It's a show for teens ♪

♪ A sexy show for teens ♪

♪ Something's not normal ♪

♪ But what does normal mean ♪

♪ In a world that's on fire? ♪

♪ ♪

Hey, Goldman,
great job with sports today.

Thanks, Chris.
We're almost ready

for the important sports game.

- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Ruth.

Good gender-fluid shower?

Great gender-fluid shower.

Dad, what are you doing here?

Putting my gender fluid
in the shower.

Also, I'm the town sheriff,

but you don't find that out
till later

because it's not relevant
to the story.

Chris, there you are.

Patty, what's wrong?
Why aren't you in bitch class?

It's your sister Meg.

She's... dead.

(gasps)
I have to go.

Wait, where are you going?

I'm gonna go to a club
I'm too young to get into

and listen to a band
that's on a label

owned by the same parent company
as the network.

Hey, who left their
gender fluid in the shower?

♪ ♪

(slow, dramatic music playing)

(thunder rumbling)

FEMALE SINGER:
♪ Sexy rain ♪

♪ Sexy rain. ♪

(upbeat rock music playing)

So, what can I get
for you sexy teens?

Um, how's the
vegetarian lasagna?

Terrible,
even at the best restaurants.

We'll have five of those.

It just doesn't make sense.
Who would want to kill Meg?

Um, can we all be quiet?
(chuckles)

We've been asked to nod
our heads while the band plays

the song our parent company
is aggressively marketing.

(upbeat rock music playing)

♪ One of us is
Richard Gere's kid ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ One of us is
Richard Gere's kid ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ One of us is
Richard Gere's kid. ♪

I can't even with this.

I'm gonna go get some air
and pebble-up my nipples.

(ominous music playing)

(low growling)

(slow, dramatic music playing)

FEMALE SINGER:
♪ Interior club ♪

♪ Moments later. ♪

You guys, check it out.
Patty just got into

the college for people
with bright futures.

Oh, cool. Is she still gonna
major in "lot to live for"?

Yep. I think she's the one kid

who's gonna get
out of this sexy town.

(Patty screams outside)

- Patty?!
- I'll be right there.

I just have to drink a product-
placement beverage first.

Peach Coke? Stop.

(howling in distance)

- Patty!
- Where are you?

Patty, are you out here?

Patty?

Oh, I hope nothing happened

to the most disposable member
of our cast.

Guys, look!

She's dead.

Boy, she... she did stiffen up
those nips, didn't she?

Y'all ready for your lasagnas?

- We're in the woods.
- (howling in distance)

Guys, it's time to fire up
our superpowers,

because we're also
lesser-known Marvel characters.

- (whooshing)
- (fanfare plays)

And I'm your neighbor,
who you didn't know

was also a superhero,
Captain Pedantic.

Are you here to protect
Zac and I?

Zac and me, but yeah.

(growling)

(gunshot)

Now is when you find out
I'm the sheriff.

I'm laying...

on a pinecone.

(exhales)

He means lying on a pinecone.

Now what happens?

Now one of us will become
a breakout movie star

and leave the series,
wrecking it for the rest of us.

Yay, it's me!

- Sir, what did you think?
- Pass.

Okay. And how many of you
would watch it

if the girls were wearing
white shirts and black bras?

Peter, did you write
the focus group questions?

What? Course not.

"And if you're impressed
by the size of

"Alexander Skarsgard's penis,

that doesn't
make you gay, right?"

- (pounding on glass)
- PETER: Answer him!

I know you've been here all day,

but it's not like
you have jobs to go to,

so I'm going to show you
one more reboot idea.

Which Wi-Fi should
we be logging onto?

Glendale Galleria Public.

Yeah, that's what
I've been trying.

Sometimes networks will
cancel a show

only to reboot it
with less-popular characters

from the original, while
the more-popular actors go on

to find greater success in
movies or ugly public divorces.

(Family Guy theme playing)

♪ ♪

♪ On which we used to rely ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

TRICIA TAKANAWA:
Family Guy Again is filmed

before a live studio audience.

(phone ringing)

CHRIS:
I'll get it.

(audience applauds)

Hello?
Oh, hey there, Stewie.

Or should I say, "G'day, mate,"

since you're in Queensland,
Australia, where you moved

with Brian and Meg
after Mom and Dad died?

(laughter)

Oh, married life is pretty good.

No, still no kids,
but I've been practicing

- a lot by myself.
- (laughter)

Masturbating, yes.

Between you and me, I think
Tricia might be barren.

(laughter, applause)

Uh, Stewie, I better go.
Tricia's giving me that look.

(laughter)

Okay, give my love
to Brian and Meg,

and hopefully we can come down
there for the season finale.

No? You're just not gonna be
a part of this at all?

Okay, then. Bye, Stewie.

Chris, I'm standing here
in the living room

because I need to talk to you
about something very important.

Look, we've been through this.

It's my house,
and I want to wear shoes in it.

Chris, I offer you a choice.

You can either continue
wearing shoes in the house

or continue having sex with this
age-defying Eastern physique.

(laughter, applause)

(crickets chirping)

Chris, I'm lying here
listening to you toss and turn,

and wondering if there's
something you'd like to discuss.

I don't know.
It's just, it's been so hard

since Mom and Dad died

and Joe moved in
with all his big band records.

(big band music playing
in distance)

Joe!

Chris, I'm lying here

asking you to kick Joe
out of the house.

What? He was my dad's
best friend for 20 years.

I can't do that.

Chris, I offer you a choice.

(laughter, applause)

Luckily, I'm the town windower.

For me, every day is a pane.

(laughter, applause)

FOCUS GROUP MEMBER:
Can we please stop this?

- Yes?
- If I give you back
my Diet Sprite, can I leave?

How did you feel
about the show?

- I didn't like it.
- Could you be more specific?

I just don't like the people
or what they're saying or doing.

If you could sum up the show
with one sound,

what would it be?

- "Blech."
- For me, it was more like

the last squirt of
a plastic mustard bottle.

(bottle squirts)

Is that our mustard?

No. I always bring one with me
in case the show is kind of...

(bottle squirts)

Everybody, shut up!

Hey, it's that sheriff
from The Q.

You people don't like anything.

Well, if you're all so smart,

what do you want to see
in a Family Guy reboot?

Yes, unemployable
neck tattoo guy.

It's a Bible verse.

Doesn't matter.
Anything above the Adam's apple

means drugs.

I like Netflix.
Could you be Netflix?

Yeah, Netflix is awesome.

Of course it's awesome;
it's Netflix.

Look, we're stuck being Fox.
We have to deal with it, okay?

- MAN: I watch Fox.
- No, you don't. Nobody does.

Yeah, I like shows
that are binge-worthy.

First of all,
"binge-worthy" is not a word,

it's a marketing tool.

You've been brainwashed, sir.
But fine.

We'll make Family Guy
binge-worthy.

(dramatic, pulsing music
playing)

♪ ♪

(dark, gentle music playing)

(blows)

(dramatic electronic music
playing)

See? Wasn't that terrible?

All right, we only have the room
till 6:00, so what else?

- (knock on door)
- It's not 6:00 yet! What else?!

Young Sheldon is good.
How about Young Family Guy?

How about I murder
your whole family?

- What about BoJack Horseman?
- Hard no.

- You'd get to be a horse.
- Hard yes.

- Normal words, but a horse guy.
- WOMAN: Can we please stop this?

You just asked
for specifically that.

- (knock on door)
- It's not 6:00! What else?

- I like that Antiques Roadshow.
- Fine.

And you're saying this is...?

George Washington's poop.
That's correct.

I have some news
you might not like.

The poop is only
two weeks old.

What? How can you be sure?

Well, for starters,
there's a Skittle in it.

Ah, the general had
a sweet tooth, huh?

Um, that was horrible.

Eh, I'm gonna tweeze
the Skittle out

and go back in a week.

I like those Netflix
stand-up specials.

Great. Matter of fact,
we filmed one

back when I was an all-setup-
no-punch-line comedian.

So, any of you out there
have a futon?

- Yeah, yeah, right?
- (chatter, dishes clinking)

I Ubered here tonight.

(man coughing)

Man, Starbucks.

Facebook, huh?

And how about that new chip
in credit cards?

Anybody ever been to Georgia?

The new iPhone is large.

(woman coughing)

EDM music.

MAN 1:
Boo! You stink!

MAN 2:
Yeah! Dane Cook already did
all these halves of jokes.

Hey, hey, this is my job.

I don't go down
to Burger King.

That was terrible.

Netflix should make
800 more of those.

All right, what else?
What else you guys want?

I like that thing
James Corden does:

- Carpool Karaoke.
- I can do that.

Hi. You having a good night?
I did.

Just had a devil's three-way.

You know, me and two guys.

I think that's just gay sex.
Why are you telling me all this?

Isn't this Taxicab Confessions?

No, this is Carpool Karaoke.

We're about to sing
an Adele song.

Oh, that's gay.

Pull over by this hot guy
and let me out.

I thought I read you guys
were phasing out gay jokes.

That quote was taken
out of context

and widely misunderstood.

All right, what's next,
you sheep?

I like the Olympics.
Can you guys be the Olympics?

Well, NBC hogs
all the good sports,

so we'll get stuck
with the boring ones

that the announcers always
have to keep apologizing for.

PETER:
Welcome back to pairs diving.

And once again,
we are so sorry for this.

Brian, anything to add?

BRIAN:
No, just our deepest condolences
to a bored nation.

PETER:
And we've got Lois
down at the pool.

- Lois, anything?
- No. Guys, just so sorry

that any of this is happening.

I-I mean, even once
every four years

seems like just way too much.

BRIAN:
And they're up in the air,
and now they're in the water.

PETER:
What is it again?
A splash is bad?

BRIAN:
Uh, yeah, I think so.

PETER:
That's so stupid.

I'm sick of all the voices
on your show.

- Can you change them up?
- To who?

I like Jon Benjamin voices.

Can you all be
Jon Benjamin voices?

-(all voiced by Jon Benjamin):
Hey, Joe.
- Hey, Peter.

- Hey, Quagmire.
- Hey, Cleveland. Giggity.

(normal voice):
What can I get for you fellas?

Nobody touches my voice.

(Jon Benjamin's voice):
I liked all of that.

Um, except for the bartender.

Hey, guys, The Coffee Bean's
Wi-Fi doesn't need a password.

Everyone, the reboot is off.

It turns out
the executive who ordered it

was just a squirrel
who snuck into the office.

- What?
- Yes. But in fairness,

it was the same squirrel who
green-lit Brooklyn Nine-Nine,

the show that challenged
the notion

that only attractive people
can be on television.

So, what does that mean?

It means Family Guy
is just fine as it is.

(cheering)

Well, the Family Guy
reboot is off.

What other ideas do we have?

(chittering)

Brooklyn Nine-Ten?

It's possible
this guy only has one idea.

(bottle squirts)

You know what,
I'm glad, after all that,

they let us keep the show
the way it was.

Well, not exactly
the way it was.

Hey, buddy, I brought over
my big band records.

- They wanted more Joe.
- They wanted more Joe.

(Glenn Miller's
"Pennsylvania 6-5000" playing)

♪ ♪

(phone rings)

JOE: Your show should have
more Joe Swanson.

♪ ♪

(phone rings)

JOE: Your show should have
more Joe Swanson.

♪ ♪