Family Guy (1998–…): Season 18, Episode 2 - Bri-Da - full transcript

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

(scoffs)

- Fake news.
- (phone chimes)



Here you go, guys.
A little hot coffee.

Where'd we even go last night?

I have no idea.

- Cup of coffee, Joe?
- Yeah. Thanks.

(Joe screams)

I remember we got
really excited about something.

That's right, that's right,
we had that

million-dollar business idea.

- Does anyone remember it?
- More coffee, Joe?

Sure, I'll take another cup.

- (Joe screams)
- Didn't anyone write it down?

Wait a minute,
maybe it's in my pocket.

Peter, are you just rubbing
pocket cloth over your wang?

I'm actually popping a leg
pimple, mister smarty pants.



Damn it, I'm sick of us always
forgetting our great ideas

when we're drinking.

Well, down at work,
we wear body cams.

We could just do that
when we're drinking.

That's a great idea, Joe.

Thanks. Now maybe you'll
take down those three billboards

you put up about me.

That's not true.

(scream-sneezes)

Wow, Joe, these are pretty cool.

Yeah, they're not as heavy
as I thought they'd be.

And we can live stream
the footage on my iPad.

(loudly)
How do we talk when they're on?

Like, different?

No, Peter.
Use your normal speaking voice.

- All right, let's hit it.
- Hang on, guys.

I'm just gonna
say goodbye to Lois.

(beep)

Where the hell
do you think you're going?

PETER: I told you, I'm going
to the Clam with the guys.

Oh, surprise, surprise.

Another night out
with the losers.

PETER: Losers?! Name five
things wrong with each of them.

With pleasure.

Lois sends her love.
Come on, let's go.

What does she mean,
"Can't eat an ear of corn"?

I can't help it
if my adult teeth never came in.

She says I call Steinfeld
Steinfeld?

Of course I do, that's his name.
Jerry Steinfeld.

Pardon me,
to quote his famous bit.

She says I say erverybody weird?

I say erverybody just like
erverybody else does.

You do say that weird.

(scream-sneezes)

TV ANNOUNCER:
This Sunday, we turn
the Quahog Convention Center

into a mud pit

for the 28th annual Quahog
Monster Truck Rally

and gun show.

See giant monster trucks.
Shoot at monster trucks!

And best of all,
you can smoke inside.

See the Ghost Rider
while smoking inside.

Fire an AR15 while
smoking inside.

Or just stand around
and smoke inside.

Seriously, we're cool with it.

Throw your butts on the ground.
We don't care.

Watch real loud trucks
and smell the smoke

that reminds you of your
dead alcoholic stepdad

who you're glad is dead
but still miss anyway.

Rest in peace, Gene.

Forget which beer can is
your ashtray.

And whenever you feel like it,
shout racial stuff.

You will not be
the fattest person there,

and if you are,
get that shirt off!

Come get your picture taken
with Tila Tequila,

and smoke a cigarette
with her.

Spray soda on somebody.
Punch a baby.

Smoke inside.
Loud trucks, guns.

It's all happening at the
Quahog Convention Center,

so hold in all your farts till
this Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!

- Farts.
- (flatulence)

All right, here we go.

Million-dollar business ideas.

Open forum, no self-editing.
Wide-open slate.

No such thing as a bad idea.

- Beer in a bag.
- Bad idea.

Oh, oh, I got one.
Big Tic Tac,

so you don't have to eat
so many little Tic Tacs.

Nice, Glenn,
you're on the board.

All right, any ideas.
No bad ideas.

- Soup in a sleeve.
- Bad idea.

All right, Peter,
you're so great,

why don't you give us an idea?

Okay, you know how they
put ice in urinals?

Well, what happens to that ice
at the end of the day?

It's wasted.
We collect urinal ice

and sell it to local bars.

Peter, that'll never work.

Oh, no?

Is that the tinkling
of ice I hear?

All right, let's check out
what we did last night.

QUAGMIRE:
God, that's so shaky.

CLEVELAND:
It's hard to watch.

PETER:
What is that one?

JOE:
That's mine. I'm basically
a human Steadicam.

- It's beautiful.
- So smooth.

Lot of guy butts.

Yeah, my sight line's
a little lower than most.

Look at a girl butt once.

What the hell were we
doing here?

PETER: Oh, this must have been
when we were jumping around

to "Jump Around,"
like the song asked us to.

JOE: Oh, yeah, I was
so into this song.

Look at my footage.
I was going bananas.

PETER: All right, let's
fast-forward a little here.

Just looks like we're drinking
at a random bar.

We ain't talking about
any million-dollar ideas.

Wait, wait, pause it.
Zoom in on that napkin.

What does that say?

There it is.
"Warm cuts."

Like cold cuts, but warm.

Our million-dollar idea.

Warm cuts? That's dumb.

If it's so dumb, how come
we're pitching it on Shark Tank?

PETER (on TV):
Now, when we first
started Warm Cuts,

it was just a gross idea.

But this year,
we're on track to get sued

for $12.5 million.

That's quadruple
the projections.

You know what,
I like your product.

But more than that,
I like you guys.

I'm in, and I'll give you
exactly what you're asking for:

$100,000 for ten percent.

What do you say?

PETER:
Does anyone other than Robert
have an offer?

Wait, why are only three
of us on Shark Tank?

Yeah, where's Quagmire?

Oh, my God, is that--

Quagmire, you hooked up.

All right.

Oh, no, wait, wait.
It's on film.

That's not all right.
What if my boss sees this?

What if my dad sees it?

It's fine, Glenn.
You can't even see your face.

You did it again,
Glenn Quagmire.

Oh, my God. Joe,
you have to delete this footage.

Sorry, Glenn, the footage is
automatically uploaded

to the Internet every night.

The Internet?!
Oh, my God.

Excuse me, ma'am,
no porn at the bar.

Oh, it's okay, I'm transgender.

Oh, I-I had no idea.

Do whatever you want
all the time.

Oh, Glenn...

BRIAN:
Howdy, stranger.

Brian?
What are you doing here?

- I'm an alcoholic.
- Oh, right.

So, you saw the video, huh?

Oh, yeah.
It's just so hard.

Well, it has to be for sex.

No, no, I mean-I mean
it's difficult

to watch your son embarrass
himself so publicly.

Yeah, that parent-child
relationship is so special.

Sometimes you want
to shake 'em by the shoulders

and say,
"Aah, what are you doing?"

But you just got to give 'em
the biggest hug you can

and let 'em know that you'll
always be there for them.

- How's your son, Brian?
- We don't talk.

But, Ida, you can't
blame yourself.

As much as you want to save
your kids from their mistakes,

it's their mistakes that
help them grow and change

and become their best selves.

You know, Brian,
that's what I like about you.

You're so wise and kind.

I think that's what
originally drew me to you.

Yep, here I am, Mr. Wisdom,

sitting at the bottom
of a bottle,

just like every Tuesday.

- Brian, it's Thursday.
- Oh, boy.

Why do you always
run yourself down?

You're handsome,
you're loyal.

You give your paw
after a couple of tries.

Come on, paw.

Paw. Paw...

There you go. Good boy.

I just wish you could see
yourself the way I see you.

Ehh, mirrors kind of
freak me out.

(laughs)
And-and funny, too.

Except for a job
and your own home,

you are the full package,
Brian Griffin.

Ida... should we get a room?

Absolutely.

(scoffs) They've got
one person working back there.

Morning, sleepyhead.

- Morning.
- Some night, huh?

Yeah, it really was.

They dropped a USA Today
outside our room.

- You want to read it?
- Oh, God, no.

Well, I guess we'll pretend
this never happened,

and I'll see you
in another two years.

(laughs)
Yeah.

You know what? No.

What are you doing Friday night?

Well, that depends.

Is Friday Night Videos
still a thing?

No, it hasn't been
for quite some time.

Well, then, I'm free.

Does that mean you're
asking me out?

I guess it does.

You're... not ashamed
to be with me?

No, I'm not.
I don't care anymore.

I guess I'm just not as hung up
as I used to be.

- (knock on door)
- MAN: Room service.

Oh, my God,
you ordered room service?!

Are you crazy?

What if somebody finds out
I'm in here

having goofball sex?

- (knock on door)
- MAN: Hello? Room service.

I've got your eggs
and Snausages.

Snausages.

Table 13. The fish is
for the gentleman,

and the chicken is for the lady.

Got it.

Great. Is that our food?

WAITER:
The fish is for the gentleman,

and the chicken
is for the lady.

I'll be right back, folks.

Well, thanks for picking me
to break in

your new Discover card with.

Hey, thanks for co-signing
for it.

My pleasure.

(yawning)

Brian,
I can't help but notice

you're a little uncomfortable
spending time with me.

I thought you said
you weren't ashamed of me.

What are you talking about?

Because I made you lie down
in the backseat

all the way here?
You looked tired.

It just seems like
you're always taking me

to out-of-the-way places
to avoid being seen together.

- Like yesterday.
- Come on, that's not true.

I just wanted to show you
a beautiful view.

Wow, check out that
big blue marble.

Look, there's another shuttle.

- Get away from the window!
- (groans)

Okay, maybe, maybe this has been

a little weirder for me
than I thought.

I'm sorry, Ida. I...

I really care about you
and you deserve better.

- Can I help you?
- The fish is for...

The fish is for me.
And the chicken...

the chicken is for
my girlfriend, Ida Davis.

"Girlfriend"?
Are you sure, Brian?

I'm sure.

And from now on,
I'm not hiding anything.

Like Peter
and his formaldehyde jars.

- Peter?
- Yes?

Is this is about my work?

Hi, I have a Styrofoam cooler
with weird tape on it?

Ah, that must be the cat brains
and baby bodies.

Are you making people?

(laughs): He'll be flattered
you called him that.

(cackles)

(clears throat)
Hello, everybody.

I have some pretty big news.

- It may come
as a surprise, but...
- It's about Ida, isn't it?

It has to be. Why else
would Ida be in our house?

Meg's right.
I-Ida's only been here, what,

- like, twice her whole life?
- You think they did it again?

- Well, what else could it be?
- They do have a lot in common.

Two mature people
with dwindling options.

Like, I know Brian was
squeamish about sleeping

with a trans woman before,
but it's 2019 now.

Yeah, things that were gross
five years ago are now heroic.

Wow. Brian and Ida.
Good for them.

Well, that's a relief.

Now the only other person we
have to tell about us is Glenn.

Oh, God, I haven't
even thought about that.

Mr. Quagmire hates Brian.

Yes, my big brother's right.

Quagmire thinks Brian's trash.

Well, just have him
over here for dinner.

We'll help you.
We're here for you, Brian.

You know what? You're right.
I can do this.

After all, I'm not the first
person to deliver tough news.

Like when they found Waldo.

There are many things
I can't go into at this time,

but I can confirm
that a body was removed

from Waldo's apartment
this morning.

REPORTER:
Is this being treated
as a suicide?

Again, I can't confirm.

But to that point, instead of
always asking "Where's Waldo?"

maybe some of you should've been
asking "How's Waldo?"

Good day.

Glenn, Ida, it's so nice

that you could both
come over for dinner.

Thanks so much for having us.

(phone vibrates)

No response from Peter.
What the hell?

I thought we were
going to the Clam.

And Quagmire just
texted back "Can't."

I don't like it.

They're doing something
without us.

So, Brian, what's, uh,
what's new in your world?

(clears throat)
Oh, well, um,

thank you for asking, Lois.

- I see them.
- They're both in there.

Looks like a dinner party!

Uh, actually, I have some news
that happens to pertain

- to my dating life.
- Really, Brian?

- Oh, do tell us.
- I knew it!

Well, it's kind of big news.

Those scalloped potatoes?

Well, what's the big news?

Go ahead, Brian. Tell him.

Ida and I...

have, uh...

begun dating.

You're, you're joking, right?

It's true, son.
Brian and I are in love.

What?! When were you gonna
tell me this?

- (phone chimes)
- Oh, Peter just texted.

He says he's stuck at work.

(sighs) They are working
that poor man to death.

I'm so glad you dropped in.
Brian is cooking breakfast.

That's right, get ready
for Eggs a la Brian.

Scrambled eggs
with a side of toast.

What? How is that "a la Brian"?
That, that's just...

That's, that's great.
That's just great, Brian.

I am very excited
for this unique breakfast.

Cool, cool. How many globs
of ketchup do you want?

Uh, chef's choice.

So, um, how long
has this been going on, Dad?

Listen, Glenn, I know
this is an adjustment for you,

and you and Brian haven't
always seen eye to eye.

Well, I wouldn't say that.

He's just, uh, kind of
a big personality. (chuckles)

So, Denver Airport.

Kind of up there, huh?
Mile-high.

Yeah, that is the height
of the airport.

Now, O'Hare Airport,
why on the ticket is it "ORD"?

Uh, it was originally called
Orchard Field.

Really? Huh.

Uh, so why is
Wilkes-Barre/Scranton "AVP"?

I'm not gonna go through
every airport with you, Brian.

You know, Glenn, Brian thought
you two could hang out

this afternoon,
and I think that's a great idea.

Yeah, Quagmire, what do you say?

(shuddering)

All right.
I guess I can do that.

- Well, great.
- (oven timer chimes)

Oh, the ketchup's hot.

Everyone goes cold, I go hot.

And that's the "a la."

This sucks.
I don't want to be here.

Come on, Glenn.
If I'm gonna be dating your mom,

it's important that we spend
some time together.

Hi, we have two guest passes
from a museum member, Ida Davis.

I'm not seeing an "Ida Davis."

(quietly):
Uh, try "Dan Quagmire."

- "Lieutenant Dan Quagmire."
- Ah, the lieutenant.

And how's he doing?
Still have his penis?

No, he doesn't.

And that's a weird question
to ask.

I'm a weird guy,
I work at a museum.

See? It's not so bad.

It's like Night at the Museum
in here.

- How?
- Well, you know,

like, the guys are gonna
come to life.

- Like, who?
- Um, the guys, you know?

When it's, when it's nighttime.

- You didn't see
the movie, did you?
- No.

Why did you bring up
a reference to something

you know nothing about?

I-- it just,
it reminded me of, uh...

Brian, don't bring up
a reference to someone

whose favorite movie it is,

because you'll just
embarrass yourself.

That was
a natural history museum,

this is a science museum.

What, you think this tidal
chart's gonna come to life?

You think this moon rock
is gonna walk across the room

and riff brilliantly
like Robin Williams

playing Teddy Roosevelt,
God rest both their souls?

Be very, very careful treading
around Night at the Museum.

Okay, let's get
this game started.

- Do you believe it still fits?
- From when?

Thank you for throwing
this barbecue.

It's so good for the boys
to spend real time together.

Okay, let's play.
Kids versus the parents.

All right, we're gonna
destroy those kids.

Uhp, someone's
on the wrong team.

Boy, they're in such a hurry
not to be kids anymore.

Your time will come, trust me.

I'm older than the adults.
I'm older than all of you!

It seems like that sometimes,
I bet.

- Get down there, champ.
- (sighs)

All right, as the one adult
on a team full of children,

I'm gonna act good-natured

while being subtly furious
at all your mistakes.

Okay? Break on three.

One, two, three...

- Break!
- Football!

Let's focus, Chris.
Can we just focus for a minute?

And let's all face
the same direction.

Okay, I'm gonna call the plays

while I'm covering my mouth
with this play card.

Peter, that's not a play card,
it's a Denny's menu.

Let's run Moons Over My Hammy
on three.

Hey, guys? Gonna need
your help over here.

They got a real
All-American at QB.

(quietly):
God.

Down. Hut! Hut!

Good hutting, Glenn.
That's my boy, hutting.

Way to hut!

Shut up. Stop complimenting
things that don't need it.

Hike!

Uh-oh, look who's on the loose.

I'm gonna get you,
I'm gonna get you...

Oh, no, I missed you
by total accident.

Yeah! Six points, bitches.

(chuckles): Whoa, that was
some great move, buddy.

- (dings)
- Aw.

Did you see and hear the wink?

That means he did it on purpose.

No, no, way.
He did it all by himself.

(dings)

Ah! There it is again!

Brian, you're the best dad ever.

What're you talking about?
I beat him.

I wish I had a dad like that.

Me, too, bud.

Brian, you're very sweet
to do that.

To do what? I'm the one
who scored the touchdown.

- You sure did, Glenn.
- He's not my dad!

I already have a dad, and
it's my mom! All right, Brian?

Stop trying to be my dad,
you fraud.

Glenn, sweetie, calm down.

No, I'm not gonna calm down.
I can't take this anymore.

Listen, Dad, the first time
you hooked up with Brian,

it was awful, I hated it.

But you were confused, you'd
just gone through a huge change,

you didn't know if you had
any options, so you settled.

But you're a beautiful,
intelligent woman.

And now you've had time to
adjust and your choice is Brian?

Why in God almighty
would you choose him?

"Because I love him,"
a resolved Ida said.

- I'm also a published author.
- Self-published.

You're also a pompous,
pretentious,

hypocritical blowhard.

- Who attended Brown.
- For one semester.

- You went to Brown?
- For two months.

See? See, that's what I mean.

His whole life is a lie.

I can't take this anymore.
It's either him or me.

- I choose Brian...
- Yes.

...to talk to first.

Brian, I've loved every minute
that we've spent together.

I never thought I'd meet someone

who I connected with
on so many levels,

- much less an Ivy Leaguer.
- Come on...

But as special as you are to me,
I have to put my son first.

- But Ida...
- He's my son.

I've made my decision.

Bye-bye, Brian. You're history.

And this time, history's
not coming back to life.

Night at the Museum.

I'm sorry, Brian.

I'll never forget
what we had together.

I understand.

Can you guys wrap this up?

I see Peter coming with some
kind of problem from the game.

(crying): Quagmire, we agreed
that it was a two-hand touch,

and then Chris hit me
with one hand,

and I said that didn't count,

but he still wouldn't
count the touchdown.

So I drilled him in the head
with the ball,

and now he's not moving.

He can blink his eyes,
but nothing else.

- So, is my dog still your dad?
- Uh, no.

Chris, he said
the touchdown counts!

(characters shouting over TV)

(both laughing)

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH