Family Guy (1998–…): Season 18, Episode 1 - Yacht Rocky - full transcript

When the brewery announces it will be firing one employee, the family take Peter on a cruise to calm his nerves, but the trip doesn't go as planned.

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy. ♪

(indistinct chatter)

So what's the big emergency?



Why did everyone
have to come in on a Monday?

I'm afraid we have
troubling news.

Due to budget cuts, we'll
be laying off one employee.

(indistinct murmuring)

The Internet pretty much
only lets us fire white males,

so if you're not
a white male, you're safe.

- So, is Derek Jeter safe?
- Safe!

- What?
- He's half black.

-What?
What do you need, glasses?
-No, I don't need glasses.

-He's white by a mile. He tucks
-You're the one
who needs glasses.

- his T-shirts into his pants.
- A lot of people do that.

- And what happened to this kind
of coach-umpire confrontation?
- It's a body temperature issue.

-I know, I miss it, too.
-It used to happen a lot
in the '70s

-but doesn't seem to happen that
much anymore. It's a connection
-Replay has really taken a lot



-to a bygone era when men
settled their differences
-of intimacy out of the game.

-face-to-face,
-I agree. That's what
we're doing now.

-thrusting their chests
into one another.
-I miss having a guy yell

-in my mouth.
-And while we're
talking about stuff,

- I've never cleaned
my ice trays.
- Oh, you have to do that.

- Why do I have to?
- You're poisoning your family.

-It's just water and water.
What's the big deal?
-Carrying an ice tray

from the freezer to the sink
is like ringing

the damn dinner bell
for arm hairs.

Come to think of it,
I do remember seeing a few

-short hairs in my ice cubes
-Of course they're
getting in there.

- that I'm hoping
were from my arm.
- Clean your trays.

Oh, cool off, Griffin.
It is no big deal.

It's just that
someone's getting fired

- in front of everybody tomorrow.
- Well, that sounds fine.

I guess I'll just see you--
What?!

Old joke. You're out.

-Old joke?
I put my own twist on it.
-There was no twist.

- Oh, you're crazy. It was
a tip of the hat to my son.
- I'm crazy? You're lazy.

- If anything, it's a gift
to our long-time viewers.
- Oh, what a gift.

Merry Christmas.
Here's a warmed-over turd

from ten years ago.

Okay, I can do this.

No need to be nervous.

Just show 'em
that I'm good at my job.

That's it. Easy peasy.

(chuckles):
Hey there, PG.

Been a minute.

Hey, Ernie. I mean, I mean
Cookie Monst-- I mean Bert.

Bert. Sorry.

Oh, it's okay, Peter.

Just do what
you would normally do.

Pretend I'm not here.

Oh, pretend you're not here?
All right.

God, that Bert is an idiot.

What a pud.

But I wouldn't mind
getting to know that Sheila

a little better.

She's got a great dumper.

And by dumper,
I mean fecal thoroughfare.

- (phone ringing)
- Should I...?

Yeah, answer it.

Could be important
for the company.

(exhales)

Goodbye?

Ah, shoot.
Opposite of that, yeah?

Let's roll
to the break room, Peter.

We're ready to announce
who's getting fired.

Oh, sure, if Sheila and her
wastemaker are gonna be there.

Please stop talking about
my wife's anal processes.

Opie, will you accept
this stein?

(babbling)

Bachelor Nick? Why are you here?

They make me come
to all these things.

Cool. How's Vanessa?

- We broke up.
- Aw.

I would murder my family
for one hour with Corinne.

Eh, she was a little young.

You know how stupid you sound?

Peter, take a step forward.

I-I'm sorry.
I-I keep messing up.

You're seeing me at my worst.
I'm very nervous.

(heart beating)

My life is flashing
before my eyes.

And for some reason, it's all
just the sort of gay moments.

♪ ♪

Excuse me,
is someone sitting here?

Yes. My lover, Tom.

(gasps)

Oh, Peter!
I'm so happy you're okay.

Whoa, you're alive?

What happened?
Did I have a heart attack?

No, you had a panic attack.

Or, in medical terms,
"a heart attack for wussies."

Hey, we have a bet going.

Do you remember if you put
your wrist to your forehead

like a nancy-boy
when you fainted?

I choose not to answer.

Peter, you need to get
your stress under control.

I'm texting you a link
to a collection of songs

called yacht rock.

Any time I'm feeling stressed,

I play this music,
and it really mellows me out.

-I think it'll work for you.
-Well, what is that?
Is that like...

(angry): ♪ Da, da, da,
da, da, da, da, da. ♪

No, no, it's more like...

(mellow):
♪ La, da, da, da, da ♪

♪ Da, da, da, da, da. ♪

Oh, good. It's...
♪ La, da, da, da, da ♪

♪ Da, da, da, da. ♪
'Cause I don't like that.

(angry):
♪ Da, da, da, ba, ba, ba. ♪

No, I assure you, it's...
♪ La, da, da, da ♪

♪ Da, da, da, da, da, da, da. ♪

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have more music
to prescribe to sick patients.

- So, Peter, you feeling better?
- Yeah, I guess.

The doctor just said
I'm too stressed out.

Did the doctor give you anything
to help, you know,

mellow you out?

¿Los drogas?

No, he just gave me this link
for something called yacht rock.

("Summer Breeze"
by Seals and Crofts playing)

This one's called
"Summer Breeze,"

and it makes me feel fine.

This music-- I...

I feel like I'm dirty dancing
with a sunset.

♪ ♪

Uh, guys,
there's a yacht rock cruise

that leaves
from the Quahog Marina tomorrow.

And I'm not even kidding.

You know what, guys? We haven't
gone anywhere in a long time.

So, let's do it.

Cleveland, buy those tickets,

'cause the guys are going
on a yacht rock cruise.

- Yeah!
- Awesome!

Peter? Is that you?

- Do I know you?
- I-It's me. Lyle?

From the other side
of the aquarium?

I-I...
I don't-- I don't know you.

I-I don't-- I don't know
what you're talking about.

But I did know
what he was talking about.

I spent the next
two and a half years

cruising various aquariums.

I never did find Lyle.

Also, I didn't quite clear
the table.

(indistinct chatter)

I got to say, Peter, I had
reservations about this cruise,

but you do seem more relaxed.

Hey, good thing
I had reservations

on this cruise, huh?

(chuckles)
I don't mind dad jokes.

Everyone's included.

Looks like mine
won't be the only tail

I'll be chasing this week.

-(grunts) Hey. What the...
- All dogs have to be crated
below deck.

(dogs barking)

Stewie, help!

I knew this was
a possibility, so I put

a 1982 Mattel Electronic
Baseball game in your bag.

Okay, that's something.

The battery might be
a little old, though.

(electronic fanfare fades)

(horn blows)

Peter, you brought your family?

This was supposed
to be a guys' trip.

-Please don't tell Donna.
-Please don't tell Bonnie.
She hasn't been

- on a vacation in seven years.
- She'll kill me if she knew
wives were allowed.

- Please, Lois, please.
- Please, Lois.

- Promise me. Here, look,
- Promise me first.

- I'm putting money
- Here's my gun. Do you want it?

- in your purse.
- I-I'm sorry,
I couldn't hear you.

I'm sending a selfie
to Bonnie and Donna.

Cruise, bitches.

- Don't hit send,
please don't hit send.
- Please don't hit send.

And... send.

(phone chimes)

You son of a bitch.

- I told you.
- What did he do now?

He don't listen to you.

He don't listen
to you.

(phone vibrates)

What is it, Bonnie?

Nothing, Father Monaghan.

- Well, this sucks now.
- Our whole trip's ruined,

thanks to you, Peter.

Thank God
Bonnie's got Father Monaghan

for spiritual counsel.

Well, it's not my fault
you guys are too stupid

to understand what the plan was.

-The plan was clear.
You're the stupid one.
-What?

(overlapping arguing)

♪ Sailing takes me away... ♪

- What were we fighting about?
- I don't know.

My cares have all
suddenly melted away.

Are my toes tapping?
I feel like my toes are tapping.

Nah, there's a seagull
pecking at your foot.

(squawking)

Whenever I wear my Tevas,

my toes are up for grabs.

Hey, Cleveland, this is us.

You guys got to stop by later.

Snuck on a little
of this action.

What? You guys
are sharing a room?

You're adults.

I'm not paying full price
for a room.

Have some self-respect.
You're 40.

(scoffs) It's not like
we're gonna be in there much.

Too busy scoping trim.

I may bail to the room
to catch a nap.

Right behind you, roomie.

After we wake,
we gonna fire up that Keurig.

Oh, yeah, that's why I brought
along a couple of these babies.

Wait, there's only one bed.

I know. We're going head to toe.

Say hello to your pillow.

Hi there, do you know if singer
and songwriter Bob Welch

is on board yet?

He's not,
because he died in 2012.

(gasps)

Can you give me a moment?

♪ Sentimental gentle wind ♪

♪ Blowing through
my life again... ♪

I can't believe Bob Welch
is really gone.

♪ Gentle one... ♪

Hey... we just heard
about Bob Welch.

♪ Blowing through
my life again... ♪

Yeah.

Who the (bleep) is Bob Welch?

(horn blows)

(indistinct chatter)

Okay, for the first game,
I choose Alan Parsons

as my teammate,
but not The Project.

I want nothing to do with them.

We'll play Joe and Loggins.

- Thanks for picking me, Peter.
- No problem.

"Crosby, Stills, Nash"
to see who goes first?

BOTH:
Crosby, Stills, Nash, shoot.

- Nash. I win.
- No, Crosby eats Nash.

- Stills snorts Crosby.
- What does Nash do?

Nash smokes Stills.

So, Kenny, "Footloose."

Not really a song for everyone.

Well, maybe you'd prefer my song
in Caddyshack, "I'm Alright."

Wh-What, do you think I'm stupid
because I'm in a chair?

I'll pull the tape, guy.

The gopher sang that song.

This is so exciting.
What do you want to do tonight?

What if we just go see a movie?

We can see a movie at home.
We need to go out.

Shake things up.

We're here to experience
new things, be other people.

Mm-hmm.

How much wine
have you had tonight?

Maybe we could hang out
with that nice couple

- we met the other day.
- The Federmans?

Why do you always want
to hang out with other people

when we're on vacation?

It's just nice
to meet new people.

Right, because I'm so interested
in the medical supply business.

- Why do you always do that?
- Do what?

Diminish people.

Oh, that's why.

Well, I feel like this has
become a referendum on me,

and I don't appreciate it.

Did you pack
my dandruff shampoo?

- No.
- (sighs)

Then I guess
this black shirt is out.

You just want to hang out
with Doug Federman.

What? That's...
that's the wine talking.

What does Doug Federman have
that I don't?

- A job.
- (grunts)

I'm going to watch the magic
show in the Cognac Club.

Why, because there's
a two-drink minimum?

Oh, you shut up!

- (applause)
- Thank you.

For my next trick,
I'll need a volunteer.

- How about you, sir?
- No, I don't want to!

I don't want to do it.

BOTH:
Bell, Biv, DeVoe, shoot.

- (laughs) Gotcha.
- What do you mean?

I win. Bell bivs DeVoe.

Dude, you can't "biv" someone.
Biv's a guy.

Everybody on this cruise
is boring.

CHAD:
I can show you where there's

a whole pile of those.

Cigarette butts?

Yeah. The wind blows them all
to this one spot.

It's right by where
the seagulls crap.

It's my job to clean it up.

That's how I know about it.

You must know a lot about crap.

You're not from here, are you?

From the cruise?
No. I'm from a town.

You want to mess around
on some damp towels

next to where the seagulls crap?

It wasn't seagulls.

I got locked out
of my room earlier.

Oh.

- Why is your poop white?
- I don't know.

I've been dealing with
fecal albinism my whole life.

♪ All I want to do
in the middle of the evening ♪

♪ Is hold you tight ♪

♪ Rosanna, Rosanna ♪

♪ I didn't know you were
looking for more than ♪

♪ I could ever be... ♪

Hey, what are you guys up to?

We're making a food spread
in room 103.

Come on by.

Grab some cocktail sauce
on your way.

Oh, wait. Never mind.

Aah! Damn it.

We're watching Michael Clayton
on DVD later. Be there.

(indistinct whispering)

By the way, I, uh,
heard about Bob Welch.

I'm sorry.

- Don't know what else to say.
- (exhales)

- Sending good vibes.
- Yeah...

Can you give me a moment?

♪ Sentimental gentle wind ♪

♪ Blowing through
my life again ♪

♪ Sentimental Lady... ♪

- Bob Welch?
- Bob Welch.

- Hey, aren't you the captain?
- Yes.

Well, if you're here,
who's driving the boat?

Oh, my God!

(alarms beeping)

Wow, I've never seen someone
eat so many powdered Donettes

in half an hour before.

Yeah, I was really hungry,

and I didn't like
what they had at dinner.

I think we may have solved
your fecal albinism.

I love you, Meg.

Oh, my God,

no one's ever told me that
before.

This is the best night
of my li...

(screaming)

(grunts)

(screaming)

(chuckles)
Listen to all those idiots fall.

- Honey, don't revel in it.
- Hey, I need this.

I just found out Bob Welch died.

♪ Sentimental gentle wind ♪

♪ Blowing... ♪

- Aah! What are we gonna do?
- I don't know.

And, look, Oates is hanging on
to Hall for dear life.

(grunting)

What else is new? He's been
doing that for 40 years.

Ha, ha. Yeah,
make fun of more people

more successful than you.

He's a millionaire.

You're nothing.

(crying, groaning)

Oh, thank God we're all okay.

Looks like Oates
wasn't so lucky.

(muffled crying, groaning)

Guys, it's me, Kenny Loggins.

First of all, I'm all right.

Don't nobody worry about me.

JOE:
Gopher!

This boat has flipped over.
We need to get up to the hull.

There's a spot
in the propeller room

where the hull's
only an inch thick.

Maybe we can try
to cut our way out...

(screaming)

(shouts)

MEG:
Hey, you sons of bitches!

This is Chad!

He's my boyfriend.
We love each other.

We said it and everything.

(stifled chuckling)

A little help?

(grunts)

(grunts)

(grunts)

(grunts)

(grunts)

(shouting)

(panting)

Hi-yah!

(grunts)

(grunts)

(grunts)

Preesh.

(screaming)

Guys, we got to get out of here.

♪ ♪

- You're alive.
- And well.

We got to get out of here. The
water levels are rising fast.

I'll just grab
an apple real quick.

Granny Smith? What,
do you got a oven in your mouth?

- Huh?
- Pie apple. It's a pie apple.

I like a good Red Delicious.

Oh, does your mouth
have a lid on it?

What are you talking about?

That's a garbage apple.
May as well eat a Honeycrisp.

- What's wrong with that one?
- Science apple.

Made in a lab
with test tubes and beakers.

Well, what apples do you like?

Fuji for eating,
crab for huckin'.

That's a prankster's apple.

Gosh, Cleveland, I had no idea
you knew so much about apples.

- Hmm. Did you ever ask?
- No, I guess I didn't.

Hmm.

♪ ♪

(grunting)
I can't open it!

There's too much water
pushing from the other side!

So we're stuck?

Yeah, unless we can
somehow tip the boat.

♪ Maybe we can. ♪

What are you talking about,
Michael McDonald?

♪ The timbre in my voice ♪

♪ Allows me to communicate
with whales. ♪

♪ Maybe they can help. ♪

(high-pitched singing)

♪ ♪

(grunts)

Oh, we-- oh, we found him.

(bleep)! You guys left me
down there to drown.

Technically, we left you
up there to drown.

The boat flipped.

You know what you did.

I think the only way
to teach you a lesson

is to dog-shake
and get you all wet.

- No, Brian, don't!
- I'm doing it.

(overlapping protests)

All right, we're even.

(creaking)

Well, we found the thinnest part
of the hull,

but it's still an inch thick.

Yeah, of steel. How are we
supposed to get through that?

(dramatic music plays)

(all inhale deeply)

Man, that was crazy.

I'm Casey Kasem.

Coming in at number seven
on the countdown,

that was Peter Griffin
with "Yacht Rocky,"

down three spots.

Now for our number six.

CHORUS:
♪ Number six. ♪

We'll start with a letter
from Melanie in Kansas.

She writes, "Dear Casey,

"is Christopher Cross
as nice as he seems?

"Also, aren't you dead?

"And why did your large wife

"hide your body
from your children?"

Well, the answer to your first
question is a resounding yes.

Christopher Cross
is a perfect gentleman.

And as for the second question,

you're correct, Melanie.

I'm extremely dead,

and I do wish my children
could have closure.

Honey,
if you're listening, please,

just put my body in the ground.

And now back to the countdown.

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH