Family Guy (1998–…): Season 17, Episode 18 - Episode #17.18 - full transcript
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪
♪ All the things that make us ♪
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
(quiet chatter)
Ugh. I can't believe
you dragged me to The Flow.
- This is gonna suck.
- Oh, knock it off.
It's not gonna be that bad.
Besides, I couldn't
leave you at home.
Last time I did that,
the kids walked in on you
looking at Internet corn.
(quietly): Oh, God,
what I wouldn't do to that.
What? N-No!
No, it's not even mine!
I just clicked on it!
And c-come on,
it's not like it's gay corn.
It's gay corn.
It was baby corn.
(applause)
Hi, ladies,
and welcome to The Flow!
(women cheering)
We'll be starting the taping
in just a few minutes,
but I wanted
to come out here personally
and say hi to my fans.
Let's get everyone up, up, up
and dancing like maniacs.
(dance beat playing,
women yelling wildly)
(grunts)
(gasps)
(grunting)
(grunting continues)
(grunting continues)
(gasping for air)
(grunts)
- (whistle blows)
- (gasping)
First down.
(theme music playing, applause)
Let's welcome our first guest,
my colleague at Channel 5
and now a best-selling author,
Tricia Takanawa.
(applause)
So, Tricia, tell us
about your book.
I understand it's been
number one on Amazon
for many weeks, long time.
It's called Throw It Away:
The Life-Improving Art
of De-cluttering.
People nowadays own
too much stuff.
I am encouraging them
to throw it away.
Genius! So just
throw everything out?
Not quite.
If it kindles joy, you keep it.
But if no joy,
you throw it away.
Can I look at your phone?
No. Use your activity book.
I already did
all the fun ones at church.
It's very simple.
I came up with it after hiking
to the top of Mount Asia
and meditating
on Epiphany Bridge.
Ah! Peter, these are
Asian techniques,
and they're new to me.
I have to buy this book,
read two chapters,
then leave it on my nightstand
for a year.
That fart was
the lady next to me.
Whatever. I'm getting
that book, Peter.
And it's for reading,
not for killing spiders.
Oh, don't worry, Lois.
I got a better method
for doing that now.
I'm really excited
you're humanely relocating me
to outside your house.
Oh, yeah. Me and the fellas
thought it was time.
♪ ♪
SPIDER:
Oh, no...
Kids! Peter! Get down here!
Everyone, I just read
Tricia Takanawa's book,
and it was really inspiring.
She says that when you
de-clutter your house,
you de-clutter your mind and
clear a path to true happiness.
How about a clear path
to dinner, bitch.
So I want everyone to go through
every single item you own,
and if it doesn't kindle joy,
throw it away.
See?
This sweater, it's okay,
but it doesn't kindle joy.
I'm throwing it out.
Now, get to it.
Wow, she's really
all in on this.
Well, she's searching
for something
to fill her empty life.
You remember when
she thought the solution
was putting a lemon slice
in a plain glass of water
for a "very simple
kind of pleasure"?
Ah. Perfection.
And just the thing
to wash down six Xanax
from four different
prescriptions.
Mmm.
Tomorrow, this will seem
like a new idea again.
Oh, my voodoo doll of Mom.
Yeah, totally throw.
It never worked, anyway.
LOIS (in distance):
Ow! What the hell was that?!
Oh. Keep.
(Lois screams)
Box of cords that go to
computers from the 1980s.
Keep.
$70,000 in Camel Cash.
I should've pulled the trigger
on that umbrella. Keep.
Woody and Buzz,
who definitely are not alive,
so I can turn my back...
on them!
Well, I guess
they passed the test.
They're really... not alive!
LOIS (calls):
Peter, what are you
doing up there?
Oh, nothing, Lois.
I was just making sure
I kept my Woody and Bu...
I knew it.
Peter, there's nothing
in your throwaway pile.
I know.
I'm keeping everything.
- Everything kindles joy!
- That can't be true.
Even this old tin can
on a string?
I mean, what are you
even doing with this?
You're a grown man!
Why would you
possibly need this?
If anything is garbage,
this is garbage.
Sounds like
things aren't going well
- at the Griffins.
- This is why no girls allowed.
I hate to do this, guys,
but Peter's been compromised.
Oh, look, my box of ribbons I've
saved from various presents.
Oh, I'm not throwing that out.
That's a good ribbon.
This is a good ribbon, too.
These are all
very usable ribbons.
Hey, little guy.
How's the sorting going?
I'm not getting rid
of my ribbons!
(straining):
I just wanted to know
if I could borrow a ribbon.
(groans)
TV ANNOUNCER:
If you love
Game of Thrones on HBO,
you'll love Cinemax's
Boob Dragons.
(dramatic music playing)
(roaring)
Series pass. Record all.
Priority one.
Peter, that's, like,
your 50th bag.
What could possibly be in there?
- Oh. Have you not heard?
- Brian, no!
(skipping): ♪ Well,
everybody's... 'bout the bird ♪
♪ Bird, bird, bird ♪
(needle skipping,
song playing distorted)
♪ Bird, bird, bird ♪
♪ Bird is the... bird, bird... ♪
Wait a minute,
didn't we destroy that?
I glued it.
"Surfin' Bird," uh, uh, uh,
finds a way.
I love it!
Perfect!
(laughs):
Ah-ha-ha!
So, Lois, what's your next
"bored housewife seeking
purpose in life" project
after de-cluttering?
Vegan baking?
Handmade soaps on Etsy?
Whoa. You drunk already, bro?
What's your next
fake writing project,
a rap opera about
Grover Cleveland?
(chuckles): No, Lois,
that would be ridiculous.
Mine is a '70s funk musical
about William Howard Taft.
(funky soul music playing)
♪ Who's the big fat president ♪
♪ Whose suits look like
a flannel circus tent? ♪
♪ Taft ♪
♪ Right on ♪
♪ Who's that presidential chub ♪
♪ Got stuck
in the White House tub? ♪
♪ William Howard Taft ♪
♪ They say this cat Taft ♪
♪ Is a fat mother... ♪
♪ Shut your mouth ♪
♪ I'm just talkin' 'bout Taft ♪
♪ And we can dig it. ♪
(inhales deeply)
(exhales):
Ah.
PETER:
Ah, so good to be home.
Since when do you surf?!
Oh, I don't. I just
rolled around in the sand
and brought home
this bucket of alive crabs.
(sighs)
When the clutter is gone,
the path to happiness is clear.
Lois, you could just pee in
these like a space suit, right?
Peter... you don't kindle joy.
- What?
- I'm sorry,
but I'm looking at you,
and I'm just not feeling joy.
What... what are you saying?
Peter...
I don't think I can have you
in the house right now.
You're throwing me away?
Yes.
I'm so sorry, Peter.
I just feel like
if you don't kindle joy--
and that's what the book said...
You can't kick me
out of my own house.
The house that I pay for?
That I semi-pay for
with help from your parents?
That your parents
pay for entirely,
but I get to put the
mortgage coupon in the mailbox?
That your parents
pay for entirely
using autodraft
from their account
while I put a pretend mortgage
coupon that clearly says
"Not legal tender"
into the mailbox?
That your parents
pay for entirely
using autodraft
from their account
while I put a pretend
mortgage coupon that says
"Not legal tender" into
Stewie's Sesame Street mailbox?
That your parents
pay for entirely
using autodraft
from their account
while Chris puts a pretend
mortgage coupon that says
"Not legal tender" into
Stewie's Sesame Street mailbox
while I hold the plastic door
open for him?
That your parents
pay for entirely...
- Peter, we get it.
- Okay.
What's happening again?
I'm asking you
to leave the house.
The house that I pay for?
Thanks for letting me
crash here, Quagmire.
No problem, Peter.
I'm sure Lois'll cool down
in a few days,
and you'll be back home.
Yeah, she'll be fine. And you
won't even know I'm here.
I mean, I need to keep up
with my workouts.
And I can't sleep unless I have
Dunkirk on at full volume.
(Dunkirk soundtrack playing,
volume increases)
- (rapid gunfire)
- (man grunting)
But, yeah, this'll be great.
Hi, kids.
Do you need those hats?
- I mean...
- It's the foundation of my look,
but we can discuss it.
I feel like they're clutter.
I feel like you don't need them.
L-Let's just see
what you look like without--
Whoa! You kids are Legos?
Sorry you had to find out
this way, Mom.
Oh. Hi, Brian.
You're carrying clutter,
I'll just throw it out.
Ha! A clean house
means a clean soul,
and a clean soul is a happy one.
That was a whole pizza.
And I didn't even
start eating it yet.
You're surprised about a pizza?
She threw out a whole guy.
Yeah, Lois might be
starting to lose it.
Even her cutaways are getting
a little too minimalist.
Have you noticed?
Donald Trump's hair is unusual.
Oh, hey, don't use the toilet.
I'm making wine.
Peter, you got to get out.
The truth is I should have
asked you to leave
after the other night.
(knock on door)
(louder knock)
- Hello?
- PETER: Quagmire?
Yeah?
PETER:
I can't sleep.
So?
PETER:
I can't sleep.
What do you want me to do?
PETER:
Will you read me a story?
Peter, I-I'm-I'm in the middle
of something here.
- Like, maybe a Clifford?
- Peter, get out of here!
- Clifford?
- No! Not now!
Quagmire, Clifford now?
Ugh! Just read him the story.
"Clifford was just too big
for the bathtub."
- Isn't he big, Peter?
- Clifford big!
"So they decided
to hose him in the yard instead,
but Clifford couldn't fit
through the door."
See that, Peter?
(snoring)
Finally. All right, ladies,
I guess we can...
Wouldn't you know it.
Oh, my God,
they took the whole roof off.
Everybody thinks
they can kick me out?
Well, who gets
the last laugh now?
I get to sleep with all my stuff
in a storage unit
on the highway access road.
Okay, can't go to bed
till you make one.
(sighs)
All right, just got to make one.
I'm going to sleep.
(sighs)
Something bad's gonna happen
if you don't do it.
LOIS:
Meg! Chris!
What the (bleep) is this?
- I've never seen it before.
- I don't know.
Stewie, she's got
your time machine.
Well, don't drag that
down the stairs or else...
(Lois grunting)
(roars)
Thank God,
everything's back to normal.
Pe-tew. Gross.
I tell you to clean your rooms,
and the first thing you do
is put all your science projects
in Stewie's closet?
- Mom, we didn't...
- Stop arguing and get rid of it.
And give me those glasses.
They're cluttering up your face.
- I need them to see.
- They're not bringing me joy!
You realize there are four of us
and one of her.
- If we rushed her all at once...
- That's not gonna work.
She's clearly developed
the strength of the insane.
- What did you say, Chris?
- Uh, nothing. I'm sorry!
Chris, I will not have
your comic strip anger
cluttering up my house.
It's negative,
and it ruins my joy.
- Get it out of here!
- Now you've done it.
You've made me
1930s work whistle angry!
(whistle blows)
Shut up, Meg!
- What? I didn't say anything.
- You just did.
Your voice-- it's cluttering up
my space. Get out.
- But...
- Get out of my house!
You know, Lois, one could argue
that your bra is clutter.
Nice try, dirtbag. Leave.
Figured it was
gonna happen, anyway.
Might as well go out
on my terms.
♪ ♪
I cluttered my pants.
It did not kindle joy.
(footsteps echoing)
(sighs)
Well, that does it.
I got rid of all the clutter.
I made order out of chaos,
(singsongy):
and it's beautiful.
Ah, there's even
an echo in here now.
I'm so happy!
LOIS ECHO:
I'm very unhappy!
My house is at peace,
so I am at peace.
LOIS ECHO:
You're all alone and sad.
Simplicity is good for the soul.
LOIS ECHO:
Your soul is as empty
as this house,
this house, this house.
(panting)
(panting)
But I did what the book said.
I did it all.
Why didn't it work?
Why am I still not happy?
What have I done?
Looks like there's only
one thing left to get rid of.
The mirror.
(grunts)
- Look. Towels!
- They don't even match.
Who cares?
They're still thirsty.
She's not here. Come on.
(echoing):
Wow. Everything's gone.
What's that?
"Words, letters,
letters and words,
mm-hmm, mm-hmm,
more words and letters."
Chris, can't you read?
No, I know the letters
when they're on their own,
but, you know,
when they team up like this,
I'm just, uh...
I'm sort of outmatched.
"It was my fault, not yours.
"I'm so sorry,
and I love you all.
"Goodbye.
"P.S.
Please throw this note out.
It is clutter."
Oh, my God.
Where could she be?
You don't think
she killed herself, do you?
We're gonna need
professional help.
I got to call Joe.
(phone ringing nearby)
- (beep)
- JOE (quietly): Hello?
Joe, are you in my kitchen?
JOE:
No.
- What are you doing?
- Nothing.
- (phone ringing, beep)
- Hey, Bon.
BONNIE:
Did they have
the French bread pizza?
Not a good time, Bon.
Well, she's dead.
It's a suicide note.
It doesn't actually say
she's gonna end it.
Maybe she just
took off somewhere.
I'll call Cleveland.
Maybe he saw something.
(phone ringing nearby)
(quietly):
Hello?
Are you stealing
my copper plumbing?
- No.
- What are you doing?
Nothing.
(phone ringing)
Hey, Donna.
DONNA:
Did you check
the counter for Keurigs?
Not a good time, Don.
Dad, how can you be so sure
Mom is at Mount Asia?
We cut a whole scene
where we figured it out.
You got to just trust me.
Boy, feels like Rocky, huh?
- Huh?
- Okay!
Look! We're almost there!
♪ ♪
(sighs)
I don't even care
that I left my phone
in my pocket.
I had too much.
But then I had nothing.
But then that wasn't enough.
(yells)
PETER (echoing):
Lois!
Lois, don't do it!
♪ ♪
Wait. Is this really
'cause of all my stuff?
No, Peter,
don't come any closer!
Please don't jump! Please!
- I love you.
- (shrieks)
(grunting)
- (screams)
- Lois!
(woman vocalizing
to ethereal music)
Feels like Cliffhanger, huh?
Huh, Chris?
CHRIS:
Okay!
(screaming)
- Mom!
- Oh, my God!
(screaming)
(grunts)
Lois, are you okay?
I'm fine!
I'm fine.
(laughing)
Everything's fine!
I was saved by garbage!
I'm garbage.
Everything's garbage,
and garbage is wonderful!
Oh, when Mommy's unstable,
I feel unsafe.
We're so glad
you didn't kill yourself.
I wasn't gonna jump, you idiot.
I just came here to think.
You made me lose my balance,
but when I landed
in all that garbage,
I realized it saved my life.
Literally, yes, but also
it saves my life every day.
The joy that you find
in everything--
the fact that every little thing
you see kindles joy for you--
that's the right attitude,
Peter.
And I'm gonna try to have
that attitude from now on.
- I love you.
- I love you, too, Lois.
Now let's go home.
I can't wait
to sleep in my own bed.
(Dunkirk soundtrack
playing loudly)
- (rapid gunfire)
- (man grunting)
Oh, just leave it for now.
We'll deal with it later.
Oh, okay. Thanks, Mom.
Yeah, that de-cluttering thing
was nice for a while,
but I definitely went overboard.
I don't know. Somehow, an idea
I got from a two-minute segment
on a morning talk show didn't
bring me the life satisfaction
I thought it would.
On the bright side, our sparse,
white living room looks like
the John Lennon, Yoko Ono
"Imagine" living room.
We can't afford "Imagine," so
just imagine this is "Imagine."
(playing "Camptown Races")
♪ Boop-boop, deedle-dee,
dee-dee-dee ♪
♪ Imagine, imagine ♪
♪ No religion,
nothing matters ♪
- ♪ Everything is bad. ♪
- (song ends)
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
that all you see ♪
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪
♪ All the things that make us ♪
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
(quiet chatter)
Ugh. I can't believe
you dragged me to The Flow.
- This is gonna suck.
- Oh, knock it off.
It's not gonna be that bad.
Besides, I couldn't
leave you at home.
Last time I did that,
the kids walked in on you
looking at Internet corn.
(quietly): Oh, God,
what I wouldn't do to that.
What? N-No!
No, it's not even mine!
I just clicked on it!
And c-come on,
it's not like it's gay corn.
It's gay corn.
It was baby corn.
(applause)
Hi, ladies,
and welcome to The Flow!
(women cheering)
We'll be starting the taping
in just a few minutes,
but I wanted
to come out here personally
and say hi to my fans.
Let's get everyone up, up, up
and dancing like maniacs.
(dance beat playing,
women yelling wildly)
(grunts)
(gasps)
(grunting)
(grunting continues)
(grunting continues)
(gasping for air)
(grunts)
- (whistle blows)
- (gasping)
First down.
(theme music playing, applause)
Let's welcome our first guest,
my colleague at Channel 5
and now a best-selling author,
Tricia Takanawa.
(applause)
So, Tricia, tell us
about your book.
I understand it's been
number one on Amazon
for many weeks, long time.
It's called Throw It Away:
The Life-Improving Art
of De-cluttering.
People nowadays own
too much stuff.
I am encouraging them
to throw it away.
Genius! So just
throw everything out?
Not quite.
If it kindles joy, you keep it.
But if no joy,
you throw it away.
Can I look at your phone?
No. Use your activity book.
I already did
all the fun ones at church.
It's very simple.
I came up with it after hiking
to the top of Mount Asia
and meditating
on Epiphany Bridge.
Ah! Peter, these are
Asian techniques,
and they're new to me.
I have to buy this book,
read two chapters,
then leave it on my nightstand
for a year.
That fart was
the lady next to me.
Whatever. I'm getting
that book, Peter.
And it's for reading,
not for killing spiders.
Oh, don't worry, Lois.
I got a better method
for doing that now.
I'm really excited
you're humanely relocating me
to outside your house.
Oh, yeah. Me and the fellas
thought it was time.
♪ ♪
SPIDER:
Oh, no...
Kids! Peter! Get down here!
Everyone, I just read
Tricia Takanawa's book,
and it was really inspiring.
She says that when you
de-clutter your house,
you de-clutter your mind and
clear a path to true happiness.
How about a clear path
to dinner, bitch.
So I want everyone to go through
every single item you own,
and if it doesn't kindle joy,
throw it away.
See?
This sweater, it's okay,
but it doesn't kindle joy.
I'm throwing it out.
Now, get to it.
Wow, she's really
all in on this.
Well, she's searching
for something
to fill her empty life.
You remember when
she thought the solution
was putting a lemon slice
in a plain glass of water
for a "very simple
kind of pleasure"?
Ah. Perfection.
And just the thing
to wash down six Xanax
from four different
prescriptions.
Mmm.
Tomorrow, this will seem
like a new idea again.
Oh, my voodoo doll of Mom.
Yeah, totally throw.
It never worked, anyway.
LOIS (in distance):
Ow! What the hell was that?!
Oh. Keep.
(Lois screams)
Box of cords that go to
computers from the 1980s.
Keep.
$70,000 in Camel Cash.
I should've pulled the trigger
on that umbrella. Keep.
Woody and Buzz,
who definitely are not alive,
so I can turn my back...
on them!
Well, I guess
they passed the test.
They're really... not alive!
LOIS (calls):
Peter, what are you
doing up there?
Oh, nothing, Lois.
I was just making sure
I kept my Woody and Bu...
I knew it.
Peter, there's nothing
in your throwaway pile.
I know.
I'm keeping everything.
- Everything kindles joy!
- That can't be true.
Even this old tin can
on a string?
I mean, what are you
even doing with this?
You're a grown man!
Why would you
possibly need this?
If anything is garbage,
this is garbage.
Sounds like
things aren't going well
- at the Griffins.
- This is why no girls allowed.
I hate to do this, guys,
but Peter's been compromised.
Oh, look, my box of ribbons I've
saved from various presents.
Oh, I'm not throwing that out.
That's a good ribbon.
This is a good ribbon, too.
These are all
very usable ribbons.
Hey, little guy.
How's the sorting going?
I'm not getting rid
of my ribbons!
(straining):
I just wanted to know
if I could borrow a ribbon.
(groans)
TV ANNOUNCER:
If you love
Game of Thrones on HBO,
you'll love Cinemax's
Boob Dragons.
(dramatic music playing)
(roaring)
Series pass. Record all.
Priority one.
Peter, that's, like,
your 50th bag.
What could possibly be in there?
- Oh. Have you not heard?
- Brian, no!
(skipping): ♪ Well,
everybody's... 'bout the bird ♪
♪ Bird, bird, bird ♪
(needle skipping,
song playing distorted)
♪ Bird, bird, bird ♪
♪ Bird is the... bird, bird... ♪
Wait a minute,
didn't we destroy that?
I glued it.
"Surfin' Bird," uh, uh, uh,
finds a way.
I love it!
Perfect!
(laughs):
Ah-ha-ha!
So, Lois, what's your next
"bored housewife seeking
purpose in life" project
after de-cluttering?
Vegan baking?
Handmade soaps on Etsy?
Whoa. You drunk already, bro?
What's your next
fake writing project,
a rap opera about
Grover Cleveland?
(chuckles): No, Lois,
that would be ridiculous.
Mine is a '70s funk musical
about William Howard Taft.
(funky soul music playing)
♪ Who's the big fat president ♪
♪ Whose suits look like
a flannel circus tent? ♪
♪ Taft ♪
♪ Right on ♪
♪ Who's that presidential chub ♪
♪ Got stuck
in the White House tub? ♪
♪ William Howard Taft ♪
♪ They say this cat Taft ♪
♪ Is a fat mother... ♪
♪ Shut your mouth ♪
♪ I'm just talkin' 'bout Taft ♪
♪ And we can dig it. ♪
(inhales deeply)
(exhales):
Ah.
PETER:
Ah, so good to be home.
Since when do you surf?!
Oh, I don't. I just
rolled around in the sand
and brought home
this bucket of alive crabs.
(sighs)
When the clutter is gone,
the path to happiness is clear.
Lois, you could just pee in
these like a space suit, right?
Peter... you don't kindle joy.
- What?
- I'm sorry,
but I'm looking at you,
and I'm just not feeling joy.
What... what are you saying?
Peter...
I don't think I can have you
in the house right now.
You're throwing me away?
Yes.
I'm so sorry, Peter.
I just feel like
if you don't kindle joy--
and that's what the book said...
You can't kick me
out of my own house.
The house that I pay for?
That I semi-pay for
with help from your parents?
That your parents
pay for entirely,
but I get to put the
mortgage coupon in the mailbox?
That your parents
pay for entirely
using autodraft
from their account
while I put a pretend mortgage
coupon that clearly says
"Not legal tender"
into the mailbox?
That your parents
pay for entirely
using autodraft
from their account
while I put a pretend
mortgage coupon that says
"Not legal tender" into
Stewie's Sesame Street mailbox?
That your parents
pay for entirely
using autodraft
from their account
while Chris puts a pretend
mortgage coupon that says
"Not legal tender" into
Stewie's Sesame Street mailbox
while I hold the plastic door
open for him?
That your parents
pay for entirely...
- Peter, we get it.
- Okay.
What's happening again?
I'm asking you
to leave the house.
The house that I pay for?
Thanks for letting me
crash here, Quagmire.
No problem, Peter.
I'm sure Lois'll cool down
in a few days,
and you'll be back home.
Yeah, she'll be fine. And you
won't even know I'm here.
I mean, I need to keep up
with my workouts.
And I can't sleep unless I have
Dunkirk on at full volume.
(Dunkirk soundtrack playing,
volume increases)
- (rapid gunfire)
- (man grunting)
But, yeah, this'll be great.
Hi, kids.
Do you need those hats?
- I mean...
- It's the foundation of my look,
but we can discuss it.
I feel like they're clutter.
I feel like you don't need them.
L-Let's just see
what you look like without--
Whoa! You kids are Legos?
Sorry you had to find out
this way, Mom.
Oh. Hi, Brian.
You're carrying clutter,
I'll just throw it out.
Ha! A clean house
means a clean soul,
and a clean soul is a happy one.
That was a whole pizza.
And I didn't even
start eating it yet.
You're surprised about a pizza?
She threw out a whole guy.
Yeah, Lois might be
starting to lose it.
Even her cutaways are getting
a little too minimalist.
Have you noticed?
Donald Trump's hair is unusual.
Oh, hey, don't use the toilet.
I'm making wine.
Peter, you got to get out.
The truth is I should have
asked you to leave
after the other night.
(knock on door)
(louder knock)
- Hello?
- PETER: Quagmire?
Yeah?
PETER:
I can't sleep.
So?
PETER:
I can't sleep.
What do you want me to do?
PETER:
Will you read me a story?
Peter, I-I'm-I'm in the middle
of something here.
- Like, maybe a Clifford?
- Peter, get out of here!
- Clifford?
- No! Not now!
Quagmire, Clifford now?
Ugh! Just read him the story.
"Clifford was just too big
for the bathtub."
- Isn't he big, Peter?
- Clifford big!
"So they decided
to hose him in the yard instead,
but Clifford couldn't fit
through the door."
See that, Peter?
(snoring)
Finally. All right, ladies,
I guess we can...
Wouldn't you know it.
Oh, my God,
they took the whole roof off.
Everybody thinks
they can kick me out?
Well, who gets
the last laugh now?
I get to sleep with all my stuff
in a storage unit
on the highway access road.
Okay, can't go to bed
till you make one.
(sighs)
All right, just got to make one.
I'm going to sleep.
(sighs)
Something bad's gonna happen
if you don't do it.
LOIS:
Meg! Chris!
What the (bleep) is this?
- I've never seen it before.
- I don't know.
Stewie, she's got
your time machine.
Well, don't drag that
down the stairs or else...
(Lois grunting)
(roars)
Thank God,
everything's back to normal.
Pe-tew. Gross.
I tell you to clean your rooms,
and the first thing you do
is put all your science projects
in Stewie's closet?
- Mom, we didn't...
- Stop arguing and get rid of it.
And give me those glasses.
They're cluttering up your face.
- I need them to see.
- They're not bringing me joy!
You realize there are four of us
and one of her.
- If we rushed her all at once...
- That's not gonna work.
She's clearly developed
the strength of the insane.
- What did you say, Chris?
- Uh, nothing. I'm sorry!
Chris, I will not have
your comic strip anger
cluttering up my house.
It's negative,
and it ruins my joy.
- Get it out of here!
- Now you've done it.
You've made me
1930s work whistle angry!
(whistle blows)
Shut up, Meg!
- What? I didn't say anything.
- You just did.
Your voice-- it's cluttering up
my space. Get out.
- But...
- Get out of my house!
You know, Lois, one could argue
that your bra is clutter.
Nice try, dirtbag. Leave.
Figured it was
gonna happen, anyway.
Might as well go out
on my terms.
♪ ♪
I cluttered my pants.
It did not kindle joy.
(footsteps echoing)
(sighs)
Well, that does it.
I got rid of all the clutter.
I made order out of chaos,
(singsongy):
and it's beautiful.
Ah, there's even
an echo in here now.
I'm so happy!
LOIS ECHO:
I'm very unhappy!
My house is at peace,
so I am at peace.
LOIS ECHO:
You're all alone and sad.
Simplicity is good for the soul.
LOIS ECHO:
Your soul is as empty
as this house,
this house, this house.
(panting)
(panting)
But I did what the book said.
I did it all.
Why didn't it work?
Why am I still not happy?
What have I done?
Looks like there's only
one thing left to get rid of.
The mirror.
(grunts)
- Look. Towels!
- They don't even match.
Who cares?
They're still thirsty.
She's not here. Come on.
(echoing):
Wow. Everything's gone.
What's that?
"Words, letters,
letters and words,
mm-hmm, mm-hmm,
more words and letters."
Chris, can't you read?
No, I know the letters
when they're on their own,
but, you know,
when they team up like this,
I'm just, uh...
I'm sort of outmatched.
"It was my fault, not yours.
"I'm so sorry,
and I love you all.
"Goodbye.
"P.S.
Please throw this note out.
It is clutter."
Oh, my God.
Where could she be?
You don't think
she killed herself, do you?
We're gonna need
professional help.
I got to call Joe.
(phone ringing nearby)
- (beep)
- JOE (quietly): Hello?
Joe, are you in my kitchen?
JOE:
No.
- What are you doing?
- Nothing.
- (phone ringing, beep)
- Hey, Bon.
BONNIE:
Did they have
the French bread pizza?
Not a good time, Bon.
Well, she's dead.
It's a suicide note.
It doesn't actually say
she's gonna end it.
Maybe she just
took off somewhere.
I'll call Cleveland.
Maybe he saw something.
(phone ringing nearby)
(quietly):
Hello?
Are you stealing
my copper plumbing?
- No.
- What are you doing?
Nothing.
(phone ringing)
Hey, Donna.
DONNA:
Did you check
the counter for Keurigs?
Not a good time, Don.
Dad, how can you be so sure
Mom is at Mount Asia?
We cut a whole scene
where we figured it out.
You got to just trust me.
Boy, feels like Rocky, huh?
- Huh?
- Okay!
Look! We're almost there!
♪ ♪
(sighs)
I don't even care
that I left my phone
in my pocket.
I had too much.
But then I had nothing.
But then that wasn't enough.
(yells)
PETER (echoing):
Lois!
Lois, don't do it!
♪ ♪
Wait. Is this really
'cause of all my stuff?
No, Peter,
don't come any closer!
Please don't jump! Please!
- I love you.
- (shrieks)
(grunting)
- (screams)
- Lois!
(woman vocalizing
to ethereal music)
Feels like Cliffhanger, huh?
Huh, Chris?
CHRIS:
Okay!
(screaming)
- Mom!
- Oh, my God!
(screaming)
(grunts)
Lois, are you okay?
I'm fine!
I'm fine.
(laughing)
Everything's fine!
I was saved by garbage!
I'm garbage.
Everything's garbage,
and garbage is wonderful!
Oh, when Mommy's unstable,
I feel unsafe.
We're so glad
you didn't kill yourself.
I wasn't gonna jump, you idiot.
I just came here to think.
You made me lose my balance,
but when I landed
in all that garbage,
I realized it saved my life.
Literally, yes, but also
it saves my life every day.
The joy that you find
in everything--
the fact that every little thing
you see kindles joy for you--
that's the right attitude,
Peter.
And I'm gonna try to have
that attitude from now on.
- I love you.
- I love you, too, Lois.
Now let's go home.
I can't wait
to sleep in my own bed.
(Dunkirk soundtrack
playing loudly)
- (rapid gunfire)
- (man grunting)
Oh, just leave it for now.
We'll deal with it later.
Oh, okay. Thanks, Mom.
Yeah, that de-cluttering thing
was nice for a while,
but I definitely went overboard.
I don't know. Somehow, an idea
I got from a two-minute segment
on a morning talk show didn't
bring me the life satisfaction
I thought it would.
On the bright side, our sparse,
white living room looks like
the John Lennon, Yoko Ono
"Imagine" living room.
We can't afford "Imagine," so
just imagine this is "Imagine."
(playing "Camptown Races")
♪ Boop-boop, deedle-dee,
dee-dee-dee ♪
♪ Imagine, imagine ♪
♪ No religion,
nothing matters ♪
- ♪ Everything is bad. ♪
- (song ends)
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH