Family Guy (1998–…): Season 18, Episode 11 - Short Cuts - full transcript

¶ It seems today
that all you see ¶

¶ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ¶

¶ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ¶

¶ On which we used to rely? ¶

¶ Lucky there's a family guy ¶

¶ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ¶

¶ All the things that make us ¶

¶ Laugh and cry ¶

¶ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ¶

Look at this, Brian.
Genderless baby announcement.

"It's a they."



Good for they.

I'm getting my friend
a birthday card in Spanish.

(laughing):
But he doesn't speak Spanish.

(laughing loudly)

Oh-ho-ho-ho, he's not gonna
know what it says.

- Oh, you're bad.
- I know.

I think I've earned whatever
misshapen Reese's product

is by the cashier.

Oh, my God, Brian, look--
a Fairuza Balk movie.

- Huh, no way.
- Remember last week when I said,

"I wonder whatever happened
to Fairuza Balk"?

- I do.
- And now this.

The world's crazy.

This looks terrible.



You need to get
out of here, Brian.

The urine-soaked hairs
on the end of your penis

are very off-putting
to the other customers.

That's not urine, that's saliva.

Go on, scoot, get out of here!

Or I'll do the clichéd
pharmacy price check jokes.

You wouldn't dare.

(over P.A.): Yes, I need a price
check on extra-small condoms.

WOMAN: (laughs) That's the
last thing he'd want announced.

(laughing):
Oh, my...

(both grunt)

Can you believe he threw us out?
That's discrimination.

It's just like what happened to
those blacks at that Starbucks.

"Those blacks"?

Discrimination
is a scourge, Stewie.

It just makes me so angry.

Well, then do
something about it.

You know what?

I will.

I'm gonna throw
a rock at his window.

Oh, hey, Karmann Ghia.
I like those.

All right, here we go.

(grunts)

Thank you, Brian.
That was the last Munich gunman.

You're a hero.

A hero?

I-I guess I am a hero.

- Oh, nice! Wonderful!
- Great!

- Way to go.
- Way to go, doggy!

We are gonna throw you
the craziest party.

Do we have a hot two-liter
of closet Pepsi?

We do, and I can bring
Planters peanuts

that were opened
a dozen years ago.

Perfect. And I have
half a graduation cake

we just have to let thaw.

(to tune of "Hava Nagila"):
¶ Party, a Jewish party ¶

¶ With lots of old food ¶

¶ In a poorly lit room, oy! ¶

Oh, my God, Peter, look at this.

She actually wore this
to an awards ceremony.

Huh? Oh, yeah, crazy.

(gasps) Unreal.
Peter, look, look.

Peter, look, Peter.

- (sighs)
- Flats.

- Hmm?
- Flats!

Mm.

Look at this picture
of Shailene Woodley.

She's so talented
and overrated and weird.

I love her.
Isn't her haircut cute?

Maybe I'll get my hair
cut short, too.

Wha... N-No. No way.

- I forbid it.
- (chuckles): What?

- You can't forbid that.
- Yes, I can.

That's the one thing men are
allowed to control about women.

That and your uterus
and how much money you make

and also everything else.

- Peter, that's stupid.
- It's a fact, Lois.

The only woman
that's ever looked good

with short hair
is Halle Berry's boobs.

Establishing shot.

- Peter, you can't...
- Establishing shot!

We're here with local hero
Brian Griffin,

who recently foiled a robbery
at Goldman's Pharmacy,

which by the way,
is getting its ass kicked

by the CVS across the street.

Welcome, Brian.

So, what does it feel like
to be a hero?

Well, let me say that
even though I am a hero,

you don't have to call me one.

I'm very comfortable
with "first responder"

or, if you like, "veteran."

So brave.

How has this incident
changed your life?

It hasn't.
I'm still the same

humble public servant
I've always been.

But there are perks.

This morning, I was honored
by a local business.

(crowd cheers)

Thank you, Brian.

And to show our appreciation,

you get the first meal
at Quahog's

newest Sizzler location!

Oh. No.

(chuckles):
No, no, no, no, no, no.

- No.
- That's fair.

- Can you at least read
what's on this card?
- Sure.

"Sizzler: the worst version
of your favorite meal."

So, what's next for you, Brian?

Well, I'll be at
Barnes & Noble this afternoon

signing copies
of Deepak Chopra's

Seven Spiritual Laws
of Success.

Well, congratulations, Brian,
and thank you for your service.

Coming up,
I get all anxious and weird

when the new good-looking intern
brings me my coffee.

And here's Jeremy
with my go-go juice.

Ha-ha.

- (phone dings)
- Man, my phone's been

blowing up
since that interview.

You should hear
some of my voice mails.

MAN:
Hello, Brian.

This is Barack Obama,

not the hobo
who lives at the wharf.

Um, you did a good job and...

I-I can't read that.

BRIAN:
"I'm proud of you."

MAN:
I'm proud of you.

Thanks for the two dollars.

(gasps)
No way!

Let's hear the next message.

MAN 2:
Hey, Brian, it's, uh...

well, it's Shredder.

Remember me?

I know it's been a while,
but I saw you on TV

and I'm just hoping
we could get together.

I'd love to catch up.

So, uh, uh, call me back.

- Oh, my God!
- "Shredder"?

He sounds like a ski instructor
with a full beard

who plays average guitar
and never texts me back.

He's a dog I used to run with

back when I was
living on the street.

Haven't heard from him
in years.

I'm actually surprised
he's still alive.

He just drank all the time
and tried to get laid.

Hard to be friends
with someone like that.

Yes, it is.

- You gonna see him?
- (phone dings)

If I have time.

Wow, The Rock!

Boy, they're coming out
of the woodwork today.

You're angling your phone
so I can't see it.

"Dwayne Johnson."

Only his friends know
that's his real name.

- Still can't see it.
- I'll call him back later.

Ow!

Excuse me, sir, but this is
a private residence.

Peter, it's me.

I got my hair cut.
Isn't it fun?

What?

No, Lois, it's not fun.

You look like Anne Hathaway
in Les Misera...

Don't you ever compare me
to (bleep) Anne Hathaway.

- Ever!
- You're right, you're right.

I'm-I'm sorry.

With my boobs and your hair,

everybody's gonna think
we're a lesbian couple.

Why'd he want
to meet in the park?

We used to live here.
I'm assuming he still does.

(helicopter blades whirring)

Brian, ha!

So good to see you.

Wha... Shredder?

Is it really you?

It's really me.

I-I don't...
What is all this?

(chuckles) Yeah, sorry about
meeting in the park.

It's the only place
I can land this thing.

Uh, Shredder,
I think you pinned

Tom Cruise
under your helicopter.

I was hanging on.
I do all my own stunts.

I can't stop doing stunts.

My whole life is a stunt.

Yeah, yeah, we know.

(grunting)

Hey, you want to take
a personality test?

Same answer as always:
no, thank you.

I'm not gonna stop asking.

- I know.
- Good to see you, Stewie.

Good to see you,
Tiny Tom Cruise.

- Thank you.
- He likes to have the last word.

Be well!

- See?
- Bye!

¶ ¶

Shredder, I-I can't get
my head around all this.

Eh, it took me a while,
too, believe me.

And I go by
George Townshend now.

Oh, okay, George.

George Townshend.

- You-you want me to say both?
- I do.

You know how Beyoncé
does the one-name thing?

I do a two-name thing.
It's one more than Beyoncé.

Why don't you take her name
out of your filthy whore mouth.

Wow!
How'd you get all this?

I worked my ass off.

I'm a tech entrepreneur, I've
written 11 best-selling books,

and I was the NBC executive
who suggested

we assault the nation
with Chicago-themed programming.

I hear they're working on
Chicago Seinfeld.

What's the deal with
the South Side of this town?

Don't say it, Kramer.

¶ ¶

(classical music playing)

So, Brian, do you want to know
how I did all this?

I really do.

I got neutered.

(inhales sharply through teeth)

But why?

Getting neutered
eliminated all distractions

and allowed me
to focus solely on my work.

Sometimes you have to
literally cut out the things

that hold you back.

Man, with no distractions,

I could just spend all day
in here reading.

I love that book Charles Dickens
by David Copperfield.

Writing was his real magic.

I just don't understand.

One minute,
I got a hot ginger wife,

and the next
I'm married to Ron Weasley.

Donna wears a wig, so I've
never even seen her real hair.

But I would imagine it looks
like an old, faded sweater

that needs to be de-pilled.

I haven't touched
Bonnie's hair in years.

It's way high up there.

Well, since Lois did
something to her appearance

that you don't like,
you should do something

to your appearance
that she doesn't like.

Quagmire, that is pathetically
shallow and vindictive.

I love it!

I'm gonna make myself
harder to ignore

than an amateur photographer.

Okay, this is hilarious.

So I'm sitting
in my office at work

when the fire alarm goes off...

(shutter clicks)

Um, what-what,
what was I saying?

Fire alarm.

Right, right, right, okay.
This is so funny.

So, the fire alarm goes off...

(shutter clicks)

Hey, hey, friend?

Friend? Friend?

Can-can you just...
n-not-not right now?

Now, where was I?

- Fire alarm at work.
- Oh, right.

You know what?
Just forget it.

The punch line is it was 9/11.

Well, yeah, it's not funny now.

Scoot over, Stewie.

George Townshend was wrong,
and I'm gonna prove it.

I don't need to get neutered
to be productive.

I'm gonna write
an inspirational book

about my life,
and I'm calling it

The Holy Bri-ble.

- Please don't.
- Here we go, blank page.

- (knuckles crack)
- World of possibilities.

And you're watching porn.

Oh, my God!

Two clicks and I instinctually
went right to porn.

Maybe George Townshend
was right.

Maybe I am easily distracted.

Oh, don't be so hard
on yourself.

It's okay to be
easily distracted.

That's what's
saved Warren Beatty

and Annette Bening's marriage.

Annette, let's have sex.

Or you could watch Blue Bloods

and have a pudding cup.

Hmm?

Mmm.
Go get 'em, Blue Bloods.

Good evening, Lois.

Oh, my God, Peter,
what the hell are you wearing?

Jeans.

Just jeans. You like it?

No. You look like you're going
to a custody hearing in Florida.

Oh, really?

Because I think
it's a "fun" look.

Just like your hair.

Okay, I see what you're doing.

Good. So we agree
that your haircut is stupid.

What? No.
I love my haircut.

Then I love this look.

As a matter of fact,
I'm gonna add

this free Fandango golf visor
I got

when I snuck in to see
I Feel Pretty.

(groans)
Fine.

You want a war, Peter?
Let's go to war.

Let's do it.

(gavel bangs)

Tallahassee Family Court
calls Peter Griffin.

Here, Your Honor.

Ho-ho, look who's
all dressed up.

I just want Skylar back!

Tesla, Apple, SpaceX,

Kendrick Lamar,
drone technology, Hemingway.

Wow. That was the coolest
phone call I've ever heard.

My life is pretty cool.

Brian, walk with me.

You know, I wish I could spend
more time with you today,

but I'm late for
a video conference with

(Spanish accent):
Nicaraguan President
Daniel Ortega.

Listen, I need to talk
to you about something.

I was thinking about what
you said the other day, and...

- I think you might be right.
- About what?

I've always believed I was
destined for a life like yours,

but something was
holding me back,

and now I realize
it was two things.

- My balls are the things...
- No, I got it.

George Townshend,
I want to get neutered.

I'm proud of you, buddy.

It's gonna be great.

I'll finally be able
to beat that guy

who fights dirty
in my karate class.

Surprise.

Now take this.

Hiy...

(exclaiming)
You can't use a sword!

Sensei Dan, he's using a sword!

No swords, guys.

Brian, are you sure
about getting neutered?

I am. You've seen everything
George Townshend's accomplished.

That's the life
I've always dreamed of.

Yes, but how much
do you really know about him?

- Have you read his books?
- Of course I've read his books.

They changed my life.

Look, Stewie,
this is a huge step for me,

and if you can't support me,

well, then maybe I should
cut you out of my life, too.

Brian, that's a closet.

I know. I have stuff
to do in here.

(door creaks)

(door creaks)

Well, nothing left to do
but binge-watch

- Ken Burns' History of Jazz.
- What?

KEITH DAVID (on TV):
The rhythmic drums
of the Congo.

-300 years later,
Charlie Bird Parker.
-(jazz music playing)

But how did we get there?

(Brian groans)

(busy chatter)

Lois, what are you doing here?

Did someone die?
Do I get to go home early?

Well, Peter, since you were
having that jeans fun,

I thought it might be fun
to come by and sell

some of my homemade jewelry
to your coworkers during lunch.

What?
Lois, you can't do that.

Once a guy's wife sells
something in the break room,

no one ever
looks at him the same.

Two years ago,
Bentley's wife made him hang

a sign-up sheet
to sponsor her in an AIDS walk,

and we've hated him ever since.

Don't look at me, Bentley.

(glass shatters)

Well, Peter,
all you have to do

is say you like my haircut,
and I'll leave.

- Never.
- Suit yourself.

Everyone,
I'm Peter Griffin's wife.

I took a jewelry-making class
last month

with a group of preschool moms,

and now I'm gonna
do it as a career.

Hey, you want
a half of my sandwich?

Oh. Yeah.
Very cool, Bentley.

- Who made this?
- My wife.

- Oh, y-your wife with AIDS?
- She doesn't have AIDS.

She did a walk
for people with AIDS.

But presumably there were people
who had AIDS at the walk?

Yeah, but you can't get...

Yeah, it's a no
on the sandwich, Bentley.

Greetings, Lois.

Oh, my God, Peter,
you're gonna make me vomit.

I'm just getting in some 'cize.

That's what I call
exercise now: 'Cize.

(retches)

Oh, God, Peter,
please put that thing

in the garage
and change your clothes.

Oh, I'd be happy to, Lois.

But I'm not doing it
because you said.

I'm doing it because of
the mean seventh graders

who have been chucking
footballs at me all day.

BOY:
There he is!
Let's get that fat dork!

I'm home! Home is safe!

(grunts)
Home is safe!

I see you found all of
George Townshend's books.

That was fast.

Yep, got my own system.

I call it
"The Stewie Decimal System."

(laughs)

Oh, Stewie, you're gonna make me
spit out my saltwater taffy.

(laughing)

Oh, my God!

Brian's in trouble!

Stewie, I've got to have you
around here more often.

Oh, I think you'll
find me here... periodically.

There's homeless sperm on this.

- Where are the glasses?
- I moved them.

What? Why?

I moved everything.

All the glasses,
the bowls, the plates.

Nothing is where it's been
for the past 17 years.

Nothing.

I'm gonna become a deejay.

I'm going to hire a life coach.

I'm gonna make
one political donation

with your e-mail address
so you'll be screwed for life.

I'm going to rededicate
my life to Christ.

Oh, that's really bad.

I'm gonna start a podcast
that has no focus

and it'll take up
an inordinate amount of time.

I'm going to constantly complain
about my fibromyalgia.

- You don't have fibromyalgia.
- No one does!

Every time a waiter tells me
their name, I'm gonna use it.

I'm gonna get really into
Halloween, like, really into it!

Gross. I'm gonna
wear a denim shirt

with the Looney Tunes guys
embroidered on it

to church every Sunday.

(both moaning)

Oh, Peter. Oh, Peter.

So, what do you think
of my haircut now?

It's ugly.
I hate it.

- How you feeling, buddy?
- Good.

Nervous but strangely excited.

I haven't been
totally honest with you.

I was never neutered.

But you're about to be.

What?
No!

Save me, Sensei Dan!

- No neutering, guys.
- (grunting)

¶ ¶

Why are you doing this?

What did I do to you
that was so bad?

You abandoned me.

You promised we'd be there
for each other forever.

Then the minute
Peter Griffin came along,

you just got in his car
and left me.

I was gonna come back
and get you, and-and then,

and then Trump happened
and-and all that...

Liar!

I've wanted to cut
your balls off for years,

but the fact that you're
choosing to do it yourself

is so much more satisfying.

But I'm not choosing
to do it myself.

- I love my balls.
- (gas hissing)

They smell awful.

¶ ¶

(gasps)

(shouts)

Stay back!

Stewie.
Y-You saved me.

Oh.

- Well, almost.
- What is it?

Oh, my God, they got one!

Or you still have one.

Maybe you should be
a scrotum half-full guy.

How did you know
what he was doing?

I read his book.

"There is no greater motivation

"than the destruction
of an enemy,

"and my enemy is Brian Griffin.

"One day, I will convince him
to cut off his own balls,

and that will be
my greatest accomplishment."

You said his books
changed your life,

but you didn't even read them.

This is why you're nothing.

I'm sorry, okay?

Yes, I abandoned you.

And I didn't go back
to find you.

I'm a bad friend, I admit it.

But did you ever think
that you should be thanking me?

Thanking you?
For what?

For everything you have.

Your hatred for me is what
motivated you your whole life.

Without me, none of this
would've been possible.

I made you.

You've already got
one of my balls.

Isn't that enough?

You know what, Brian?

It is enough.

You'll probably keep it
in a trophy case or something.

Oh, no.
I ate it already.

Dogs are gross.

(helicopter blades whirring)

Thank you, Stewie.
You really saved me.

My pleasure, Brian.

Well, the good news is
we can give you a prosthetic.

The bad news is

it's one of the bells
from a jester's hat.

There's no brain activity,

so we're gonna
harvest his bells.

- We understand.
- (bells jingling)

Why did the king

have to hit him so hard?!

So, anyone want to ask me
about my week?

Kind of a big week
for the Megster.

Big envelope in the mail.

Yep, early admittance.

Day one, August 26,
clean slate.

Closing credits.

JOE (outside):
Congratulations on Bowdoin, Meg!

- Closing credits!
- Oh, we're done?

(bell jingling with footsteps)

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH