Family Guy (1998–…): Season 18, Episode 10 - Connie's Celica - full transcript

? It seems today
that all you see ?

? Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ?

? But where are those
good old-fashioned values ?

? On which we used to rely? ?

? Lucky there's a family guy ?

? Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ?

? All the things that make us ?

? Laugh and cry ?

? He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ?

MAN (on TV): We now return to
LEGO Spotlight.

("Yakety Sax" playing)



I'm not sure we should be
letting Stewie watch this.

It's LEGO. It's fine.

- Yeah, you're right.
- (whistle blows)

Well, that's my train.

Time to disappear
from this life completely.

No, no, Peter. It's just Chris
practicing his new recorder.

What? I said no hobbies.

Brian, that LEGO movie
kind of scared me.

Ah, don't worry about it,
Stewie. It's all make-believe.

- ("Yakety Sax" plays)
- Ah! LEGO! LEGO!

(playing high-pitched note
repeatedly)

Chris, stop!
That sounds terrible.

Yeah, you can't just play
one note over and over.

You're not Danny McBride.



Who taught you
to play like that?

Well, our music teacher quit

and was replaced
by a back-East bird.

(bird whistles two notes)

(students play same notes)

(bird whistles same notes)

(students play same notes)

(school bell rings)

See you tomorrow, Mr. Mason.

(bird whistles same notes)

Well, I'm gonna have to talk to
Principal Shepherd about this.

Great. Every kid
loves seeing their mom

inside their high school.

I'm sorry, but music
is an important part

of your education.

Your mother's right, Chris.

You don't want to mess this up,

like Skee-Lo messed up
his wishes.

Uh, I wish I was a little bit
taller, I wish I was a baller,

I wish I had a rabbit
in a hat with a bat.

(magical chiming)

- Skee-Lo?!
- What?

You need money!

(tranquil music playing)

You wanted to see me,
Mrs. Griffin?

Um, yes,
to discuss the music program.

Right! Right, of course.

Sorry. I was just testing
these... candles

for a... lie I can't...
think of right now. (panting)

Now, what's this forgettable
misunderstanding all about?

Uh, my son is being taught
by a bird.

- Ah. Ms. Wilkins.
- No, Mr. Mason.

Right. Lot of open windows
in this school.

You need a real music teacher.

I'm a trained piano player, and
I've taught lessons for years.

I'd love to come work for you.

You would?
Well, that changes everything.

I'm not gonna have sex with you.

I know. I just farted.

So, everyone,
I have an announcement to make.

I'm gonna be the new
music teacher at Adam West High.

- What?
- Please say you're joking.

I'm not joking. I start Monday.

My wife, a music teacher?

Hold on.
That's a marriage time-out.

I... I think Dad did this wrong.

Yeah, aren't-aren't we supposed
to be the frozen ones?

- Dad's a loser.
- Yeah, he sucks.

- Stop it.
- Why? He can't hear us.

PETER:
But I could hear them.

And it hurt.

Turns out,
if you're gonna learn

how to stop time
in wizard school,

don't leave class early to be
the first in line for lunch.

It was pizza day.

And you'd think it's got
to be pretty good pizza,

being made by a magic wand
and whatnot.

But it was just okay.

I don't think
it was the usual guy making it.

This has been a Peter Griffin
Marriage Time-Out.

(indistinct chatter)

(chatter stops)

Good morning, class.

So... you know.
(chuckles)

I'm your new music teacher,
Mrs. Griffin,

and I started from the bottom.
Now I'm here.

So... rap.

(laughter)

Oh, my God, you're so lame.

I know you are, but what am I?

Lame.

Okay, we'll call that one a tie.

Now, class,
what is music to you?

BOY:
Nothing.

Okay, Deaf Larry, we know

music is nothing to you
and never will be.

Who else? What is music to you?

Stupid.

Connie, you're just afraid,
so you lash out.

I get you, because I was you.

Headstrong, full of anger,
and a body that looked

like it stepped
right out of Redbook magazine.

- GIRL: Is that good?
- Yes, that's good.

You don't know. Shut up.

You were never me.

Oh, no? Look down at your desk.

"L.G."?

Lois... Griffin.

But-but weren't you
Lois Pewterschmidt back then?

Meg, go to
the principal's office.

My desk also has "L.G." on it.

- Mine, too.
- They all do!

Okay, okay, I didn't know where
the troublemaker was gonna sit.

Mr. Mason may have been a bird,
but at least he wasn't a liar.

Well, you better get used to me,
'cause Mr. Mason's gone.

Sweetie, it's the middle
of the day. What happened?

- (whistles two notes)
- Oh, no.

Well, I hope this doesn't affect
our plan to have eggs.

(whistles same notes)

You wanted this to happen!

So, Lois, how was
your first big day teaching?

You pull a Mary Kay Letourneau?

(laughs)

No, Peter.

I didn't leave my family

to have sex with a 12-year-old
boy named Vili Fualaau,

get arrested for rape, give
birth to his child in prison,

get out, get arrested again
for humping him in a car

when he was 13,
have his second kid in jail,

get out, get married to him,

change my name
to Mary Kay Letourneau-Fualaau,

live my life
as a disgraced sex offender,

and then get dumped by him.

(laughing):
No, I didn't do that.

But I did have a little trouble
in Meg's class

because of that brat
Connie D'Amico.

She's a classic,
entitled, mean-girl slut.

Connie D'Amico? She stopped by
to see you yesterday.

She did?! What'd she say?

- She said you're gullible.
- And?

Hmm, Connie D'Amico.

The name sounds familiar.

I better go check
Meg's yearbook--

pages four, six, 11,
27, 41, 42 and 60--

to see if it's the babe
I'm thinking of.

Lois, I'll take
my dessert upstairs

in the masturbation bathroom.

(sighs)
Maybe I'm not cut out

to teach high school kids.

I thought
I could handle their nonsense,

but I just kind of froze today
with Connie.

- Yeah, hang it up.
- You gave it a day.

That's nonsense, Lois.

You just have to be more
of an authority figure.

If Connie gets out of line
again,

don't be afraid
to show her who's boss.

Like I did with those squirrels.

- (squirrels chittering)
- Hey, neighborinos.

Um, so, not a huge deal,

but if you guys could keep
your chittering down,

I'm trying to get
some writing done in the house.

Oh, yeah, yeah,
no-no problem, bro.

Also, maybe you could go (bleep)
your own face, huh?

Could that be good?

- (laughter)
- Yeah!

(chuckles)

(chucking):
Oh. Okay.

All right, thanks, guys.

Stewie? What are you doing here?

I followed you into your cutaway

because I didn't believe
you showed anyone who's boss.

And I was right.

Did you get a sleeve tattoo
of Freddie Mercury?

Yeah, it's a cutaway.

(playing light
chord progressions)

I know some of you kids think
this class has nothing to do

with your day-to-day lives,
but you couldn't be more wrong.

Music tells the story
of our lives.

For example, this morning,

I woke up
and saw it was a sunny day.

(plays Grieg's "Morning Mood")

Then I had some tea.

(plays "East Asian riff")

Which was from China.

On my way out the door, the
kitty cat ran across my piano.

(plays dissonant,
descending notes)

Get off of there, kitty cat!

(laughs)

Then I drove to work.

(plays rapid, upbeat melody)

But then, I hit some traffic...

(plays ominous sting)

...that was caused by a parade.

(plays Sousa's
"The Stars and Stripes Forever")

For gay rights.

(plays "The Stars and Stripes
Forever" in high octave)

And finally,
I got to school early

and diarrhea'd
in the girls' locker room.

(plays sustained low note)

The end.

You suck!

Aah!

(laughter)

That's it, Connie!

To the principal's office. Now!

Okay. For the rest of the class,
I will wait for the bell.

(school bell ringing)

And then I will suddenly talk
much louder and faster

as you're heading out the door.

Okay, and remember, there's
a quiz a week from Wednesday!

- (students gasping)
- BOY: Oh, no.

Good. That means you heard me.

This is how Hollywood thinks
school teachers talk.

Connie, I've asked Mrs. Griffin
to be here

since it was her class
you disrupted.

And I'm sorry to say, this is
your third strike this year.

According to school policy,

three strikes means
you're expelled.

What?!

Principal Shepherd,
I'm not sure that's necessary.

I'm sorry.
I've made my decision.

Now, if you ladies don't mind
stepping out,

I have to reprimand
Danny McBride next.

Mr. McBride,
do you know why you're here?

Yeah, maybe because I'm awesome,
and you're a gay homosexual,

and also the word
"Jet Ski" a lot?

(grunting)

(chuckling):
Yeah, you know why you're here.

Ugh. I feel kind of bad
about getting Connie expelled.

But maybe
this'll make her realize

she needs to be
more respectful to others.

Eh, probably not.
She's really hot.

(phone vibrates)

Hey, Lois, I just got an invite

for a Facebook group
you started called

"Keep Harriet Tubman
Off the 20-Dollar Bill."

What? I haven't even been
on Facebook today.

Wow. Your profile pic is now
just the word "veterans"

with a circle
and a line through it.

I mean, that's the way I feel
about ghosts, but veterans?

Mom, this is Connie
getting back at you.

It's called "cyberbullying."

(scoffs)
Cyberbullying? Me?

By the way, Vili Fualaau
is now a DJ in Seattle.

Boy, Connie must
really mean business.

Like an Armenian kid
in a candy store.

Hey, little boy, can I help you?

Yes, I wish to buy business

and turn into car wash.

(children shouting in distance)

(women chuckle)

We had no idea
you'd switched teams, Lois.

Ugh. Damn it, Connie.

No, it's just a nasty prank.

What's so nasty about it?

(chuckles):
I mean, nothing.

I-I'm fine with it.

Okay, well,
if you're so fine with it,

what are you doing Friday night?

Oh, um...

Mmm. So, I got
my blacksmith certification.

- I can make axes now.
- Oh.

You in the market for an ax?

I'll keep this
on the D.L. Hughley,

but your next date should be
with Christ.

Lois, are you using
the Elmo toothbrush,

- which is mine?
- Oh, sorry, Peter.

I've just been so distracted
with this whole Connie thing.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

So, Connie made you mistake
a monster's face

for the words "Oral-B."

Come on, Peter, I'm serious.

This is a real problem.

Well, if she's really ruining
your life,

go down to the station
and talk to Joe.

Yeah, I thought of that,
but I hate competing

with the sound of ringing phones
and typewriter keys.

- (phones ringing, keys clacking)
- And she hacked

- all my Internet accounts.
- What?

Connie!
I think she hacked my Twitter!

Well, without any
hard evidence, Lois,

I'm afraid
there's nothing we can do!

Fine! I knew this would be
a waste of time!

Okay, fellas, she's gone!

(ringing and clacking stop)

I'd like to report somebody
using the wrong toothbrush.

Have a seat, sir.
Tell me everything.

Okay. You know Elmo, right?

Hmm, I'm not seeing
any Viva brand paper towels.

- That's the only brand I use.
- Uh, sounds good.

I'm gonna go see what new stuff
they're turning into milk.

Oh, wood milk!

Hey, that woman has
all the Viva brand paper towels.

E-Excuse me, miss,

could I have one of those
Viva brand paper towel rolls?

- (gasps)
- Oh, so sorry.

I need them all
for the big mess you've made.

Hey, Lois, do we need
any jeans milk at home?

Oh, hey, Connie.
Nice shopping outfit.

Come on, Connie.

It's the only brand I use.

I need it to pat down bacon
and let Meg suck the wad.

Too bad, bitch.

(scanner beeps)

- (beeps)
- There we go.

I know it's been you
cyberbullying me.

I didn't mean
to get you expelled,

but now I'm glad I did.

You're a very disrespectful
young lady.

At least I'll have a paper towel

with the power
to take on any spill.

Okay, that's it.

You'll pay for this, Connie!

You better watch your step.

(gasping and murmuring)

Ah, darn it. I couldn't open
my camera in time.

Oh, you can just text me yours.

I'm not texting you.
I don't know you.

Peter, I'm exhausted.

I can't even think
of making dinner.

Well, I didn't hear
what you just said,

but what's the dinner situation?

? ?

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker,
transitioning into my sad voice

for the death of a white girl.

Local white girl Connie D'Amico
died at the scene

of an automobile accident
earlier tonight,

the brake lines of Connie's
Celica apparently cut.

Oh, my God. How horrible!

(exhales)
Can you imagine being the shovel

that gets to scrape that ass
off the road?

Eh, maybe in my next life.

(knock on door)

Lois Griffin, I'm sorry,
but you're under arrest.

I'm gonna have to take you down
to the station.

On what charge?

We've got you
on grocery store video

threatening Connie D'Amico.

You're under arrest
for her murder.

What?!

Guys, my mom was arrested
for Connie's murder.

No quiz!

(all cheering)

Joe, this is ridiculous.

There's no way
Lois killed Connie.

There's just too much evidence
against her.

I got to take her in.

So, what, I'm supposed to be
a guy without a wife now?

What am I supposed to do,
whatever I want whenever I want?

I'm gonna get crow's-feet
from smiling too much.

Sorry, Peter. It's gonna be
quite an adjustment.

Seriously, who's gonna greet me
in a shapeless sweatshirt

- when I come home?
- Meg, maybe.

Who's gonna slap a tarantula
of shampoo hair

on the wall of the shower?

It's the little things you miss.

Who's gonna go, "Ooh! Ooh!
Careful!" while I'm parking?

Sometimes this is
the hardest part of my job.

Who's gonna fill up my DVR
with lady judge programs?

I-I don't make the rules.

Oh, and I suppose now I'll have
to start every road trip

- with a full tank of gas?
- I took an oath, Peter.

What am I supposed to do?
Masturbate comfortably in bed?

The law's the law.

And I guess I'm gonna have to be
on time to every party

- and stay real late?
- Yeah, why do they do that?

And so long,
Handmaid's Tale, I guess.

Two or three more jokes, Peter.

So long, This Is Us.

Last one, maybe.

So long, seeing my dining room.

You got a stronger one
to end on?

So long,
bitchy 2:00 a.m. blanket pulls.

Ah, there we go.

(bleep), Peter.

What am I supposed to do now,
Brian?

Whatever I want whenever I want?

Yeah, I was right here
when you were doing that.

Oh.
I-I didn't hear your laugh.

I'm more of a smile guy.

Peter, we have got to prove
Lois is innocent.

That's right.
And the best way to crack

any high-profile crime case

is to do a podcast
before you have all the facts.

- Okay.
- And the key to any podcast

is poor sound quality
and tons of commercials.

All right, we've got Lois
calling in from prison.

She's only got three minutes.

LOIS (staticky):
Thanks for looking
at my case, guys.

You bet, Lois.
My first question is...

do you get a good night's sleep?

No, 'cause I'm in prison,
and my cellmate is bipolar.

Well, if you get
a Casper mattress now,

you have a hundred days
to decide

if it's the right mattress
for you.

Peter,
I don't have time for this.

I don't have time
for underwear that bunches up.

That's why I wear MeUndies.
Perfect underwear

for hanging yourself
in your jail cell.

Can we talk about the case?
I have 30 seconds

before they haul me off
to the freaking cafeteria.

Sounds like
you could use Blue Apron.

Have you ever wanted to receive
a vegetable in the mail?

Then you need Blue Apron.

I'm, like, obsessed
with the stir-fry.

Brian here
likes the Moroccan beef.

I-I have no opinion
on the Moroccan beef, Peter.

Brian, this is not art.
This is commerce.

Peter, before I go,
I need a new lawyer.

This one made
a sexual pass at me.

Oh, boy. Everyone knows
hiring is a nightmare.

At least it was
before ZipRecruiter.

ZipRecruiter:
we vastly overestimate

how many podcast listeners are
in a position to hire someone.

Okay, Brian,
let's go through Lois's drawers

and look for clues.
If you find any, let me know.

And if you find
the yo-yo she took from me,

definitely let me know.

Stupid Lois.

I'm not gonna use it
in the house.

The Wendy's employee
gave it to me

if I promised to calm down.

Peter, this is a dead end.

All I see here is your Nerf gun
from last summer.

Oh, no way.
She said I lost that.

She deserves to be in jail.

PETER:
Hey!

Suck on that, Lois!

That was very close
to my eyes, Peter.

It wasn't close to your eye.

- That's why I took it.
- It was so far from your eye.

What are we doing here?

Connie never went
to the Drunken Clam.

Doesn't matter. Everybody knows
the way you solve a murder

is to ask a barkeep
if he knows anything.

When he says no,
you turn around,

and then he says "wait"
and gives you an important clue.

Hey, Jerome, do you know
anything about Connie's death?

No, man.
I've just been working here.

All right, Brian.
Let's get out of here.

- Peter, wait.
- Yes?

One of the waitresses says
you put her tip down her pants.

Huh. How long were you planning
to sit on that little nugget?

You just did it.

Okay, Jerome.

If you remember anything else,

here's my number.

Oh, and here's a nickel
for the watered-down beer.

Keep the change.

How are we gonna solve
this case, Peter?

I've been thinking about that.

You're a dog,
and I'm a man. Right?

So we're basically Scooby-Doo.

- So, what are you saying?
- We go around town

and rip off faces
until we find the real killer.

Unless...

(screams)

Which can only mean...

(screams)

Twins? Guess again.

(both scream)

The newspaper
is embarrassing me.

Well, kids, we tried.

I'm afraid
your mother's a murderer.

No, Peter, I'm right here.

Lois, you escaped!

Careful, kids.
She killed before.

- She'll kill again.
- JOE: No, Peter, look wider.

We're all here.

Turns out
Lois didn't kill anyone.

Connie D'Amico
faked her own death.

- (all gasp)
- Gasp!

We found Connie an hour ago
at a motel outside of town.

Turns out she put a pig
in a blonde wig

behind the wheel of her car.

I'm sorry, our coroner
has been pretty sloppy lately.

She's been dealing
with some substance abuse.

"She"?
Interesting.

Anyway, Lois has been cleared
of all charges.

And what of the pig?

That was a very tough
house call.

- Yes?
- Excuse me, folks.

Do you have a daughter
named Peppa?

Yes.

You're gonna want to sit down.

Well, Lois, I got to say,

it's great to have you home
from prison.

Ah, it's great to be home.

Hey, I-I got to ask,

are-are you gonna stay
that jacked forever?

I don't know.
Do you like it?

I-I-I do and I don't, you know?

It-it was... it was nice
being held up against a wall,

but when you made me suck
the hairdryer, I-I...

I enjoyed it, I did,

but I-I don't want to do
that specific thing again.

Well, that's too bad,
'cause I'm ready for round two.

Just got to make sure
the kids don't come in.

- (whimpers)
- Now no one can get in,

and no one can get out.

Hands on the headboard, chief.

Yes, ma'am.

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH