Family Guy (1998–…): Season 18, Episode 12 - Undergrounded - full transcript

¶ It seems today
that all you see ¶

¶ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ¶

¶ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ¶

¶ On which we used to rely? ¶

¶ Lucky there's a family guy ¶

¶ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ¶

¶ All the things that make us ¶

¶ Laugh and cry ¶

¶ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy. ¶

TV ANNOUNCER: We now return
to A Quiet Place,

starring a Jewish family.



(belches softly)

I'm finally all caught up
on New Girl,

if you guys want to talk
about that.

I don't think
they're going for it.

Wait.

I kind of like that Schmidt.

You kind of like that Schmidt.

All right, fellas,
I got to get going.

Aw, come on.
I want to get one more beer.

Again! Again, again!

Sorry, Peter, I got
to work early in the morning.

Yeah, I'm out, too.

Aw, crap, I don't have any cash.

Hey, can one of you guys
spot me?



- Just put it on your card.
- I can't.

Lois'll see the charge.
She thinks I'm still at work.

Wa-peesh.

Wha-What is that?
What do you mean?

What do you mean,
like "Wha-pshh"?

- Like that? Like a whip sound?
- Yeah. How did I do it?

Very incorrectly.

You don't have your own card,

one that Lois
doesn't know about?

No. Lois would kill me.

Ooh, wha-wha-wha-peesh.

Indiana James?

Anyone?

456 Maple Drive, Suite 305.

The "suite" is just a mailbox.

This is where I get
all my credit card bills sent to

and any other mail
Donna would be mad about.

- Like what?
- Knives with gemstones,

fat-butt magazines,

whatever you think Ice-T
would keep in a nightstand.

But really it's
for the credit card bills.

I get some
of my stuff here, too.

Bills, catheters,
residual checks.

- What are the checks for?
- Mostly Seinfeld.

- You were on Seinfeld?
- Yeah, that's right.

Peter, I'm telling you, get
yourself a secret credit card.

- You'll save yourself
a lot of stress.
- Thanks, Cleveland.

Ah, this is gonna make my life
so much better.

Like when I used to make
fart balloon animals.

All right. Who's next?

- Can you make me a giraffe?
- Comin' right up.

(farting)

(farting continues)

There you go.

Don't pop that.
You'll throw up.

Oh, where did you find him?

He found me.

Hey, look who it is.

You need us to pay
for your drinks again?

No way.
Guys, you are looking

at the owner
of his own credit card.

All right.
Good for you, Peter.

You gonna pay us back?

Come on, Joe,
I don't interrupt you.

Anyway, they even want me to do
one of Tina Fey's

"look how quirky and busy
I am" credit card commercials.

- Wow, really?
- Yeah.

-(lively music playing)
-Oh, wait.
I think it's starting.

I hear a piano shuffle
and a clarinet. Taxi!

¶ ¶

- Where to?
- Any pet shop that sells snakes.

(sniffs)
Somebody puke in here?

Yeah.
Last night some guy...

Hey!
It's you!

Gotta go.

¶ ¶

- Hi. Can I help you?
- Can I press the button
that moves the clothes?

Sir, that's reserved
for dry cleaners only.

It's like a roller coaster ride
for pants.

- Any calls?
- Your mistress called.

She said she's waiting
at the hotel for you.

Tell her I'll be there
as soon as I can.

She said she's pregnant.

Do you know if that Mexican
doctor takes credit cards?

He does.

¶ ¶

ANNOUNCER:
If you're scummy and on the go,

try the new Visa Gold Card.

Visa: It's everywhere
you want to be.

(music ends)

Hey, Dad, what do you got there?

Chris, I got us lobsters
for dinner.

Cool.

Can... can I kill 'em?

Hmm, let me think.

Of course
you can kill 'em, sport.

- Yay!
- Let's boil up some water.

(knocking)

Package for Peter Griffin.

Ah.
I didn't order anything.

I-I mean, I could have
if I wanted to.

I have a credit card.

All right. Lot of cool people
on this route.

- (screeching)
- (screams)

Aah!

- (muffled screaming)
- Stop! You're hurting him.

No, that's just air escaping.
They can't feel anything.

(muffled screaming)

-Hi. Can I help you?
-Yes. I'd like one
of those flashlights

with a vagina in it, please?

(thunder rolling)

(TV playing indistinctly)

- LOIS: Oh, no.
- PETER: O-Okay, okay,
don't panic, everyone.

(click)

(Peter giggles)

CHRIS (chuckles):
Oh, he got you, Mom.

PETER:
I'm surprised this thing still
works after the day we had.

-Meaning I had sex with...
-CHRIS: I know.
-We get it.

- MEG: Ew.
- STEWIE: Five minutes ago,

I had that flashlight
under my chin to look scary.

Peter, are you wearing a costume

from Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country?

Peter, give me the credit card.

How'd you find out?

The UPS guy from earlier?

Sorry, Peter. New rule:
I... I have to report

any adults bragging
about having a credit card.

But... but you said I was cool.

Did you even mean it?

Did you even mean it?!

You know what bothers me
even more

than all the money
you put on that credit card?

-Bonnie's new car?
-Oh, I know.
What, does she think

she's a (bleep) teenager?

Wait, no, no.
What's worse is finding out

how much you lie to me.

I found your account online.

Monday night you said
you were working late,

but there's a $62 charge
at The Clam.

So whoever stole my card
is still in town.

You just gave me the card,
dummy.

You said you had to work
last weekend,

then you bought a T-shirt
that says

"Working weekends--
does not compute"

wi Johnny 5 on it.

I wanted to wait, but...

Happy Mother's Day.

You're not gonna weasel
your way out of this.

You want to act
like a child, Peter?

Then I'm gonna treat you
like a child.

You're grounded.

On whose authority?

General Chang.

Hey, Peter.
Lois still mad at you?

Yeah, but she's acting like
everything's fine on Facebook

so she can post pictures
of food.

(computer chiming)

I mean,
I've done some stupid stuff,

but she's
never grounded me before.

Well, you could just leave
the house if you want.

You are an adult.

Brian, husbands are not adults.

They are people
who pay for things

but are still somehow burdens.

Worst part about it,
I'm gonna miss my Sunday shift

at Clappy's Birthday Restaurant.

We heard someone has a birthday.

SERVERS:
H.

(rhythmic clapping)

A.

P.

P.

T.

E.

Happy birthday, Charlotte.

Excuse me. My table
is celebrating the birthday

of deceased Hawaiian pop singer
Israel Kamakawiwo'ole.

(exhausted sigh)

Well, that's why we
call it Clappy's. Let's go.

H.

(phone rings)

- Hello?
- QUAGMIRE: Peter.

Peter, you're not gonna believe
whose car just broke down

on Spooner Street.
Tom Brady!

- What?!
- Yeah. He's throwing passes

to anyone who's able
to leave his house.

Ah, he's throwing one to Joe.

-(people cheering)
-Oh, my God,
Joe just stood up for a second.

JOE:
He put that pass

where only a walking person
could catch it.

That's howd is--
his pass made me walk!

CLEVELAND:
And here comes Gisele.

She's giving out
Tag Heuer watches.

Aw. Lois? Can I please go out
and play with Tom Brady?

QUAGMIRE:
She's out here.

LOIS:
Tom Brady's taking us all
to see an Anne Hathaway movie.

Oh. Uh...

Oh, no, I'm grounded.

Hey, it's my old
wedding Tucks...

Medicated Pads.

Boy, my butt
sure was like a match

that needed
to be extinguished that day.

Oh, what a day that was.

All the Preparation... H
I used on my fiery ring.

I got to escape.

But how?

Wait a minute, you saw
Shawshank Redemption, Peter.

How did Brooks get out of there?

(rope creaking)

Aah!

- Hey, possum.
- POSSUM: It's actually o-possum.

PETER:
O, is it?

What the hell?

Aah. Peter, what are you doing?

I got to get out of here, Brian.

I'm going crazy
sitting around the house.

So you're tunneling out?

Lois is gonna be furious
if she finds out.

That's why Lois
isn't going to find out.

Right, boy?

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about you...

not being... a bad boy.

I'm-I'm not...
I'm not a bad boy.

Then do not say anything
to Lois.

You hear me?
Bad.

Bad dog.

So, we understand each other?

Yeah, I'll be good.
Trust me.

I saw what you did
to that black belt.

-(crowd gasps)
-I don't care what color
your belt is,

you're a child
and I am stronger than you.

- (crowd booing)
- Oh, boo yourself.

Boo yourself. She was the one
strutting around Pizza Hut

with that trophy.

Yeah, who's the Girls' Regional
Youth Karate Champ now, Kelsey?

Huh?

Kelsey?

All right, down in the tunnel.

Time to way-too-easily
make a torch.

Look, our Internet connection.

CHRIS:
Mom!

Never mind.

Mom!

Never mind.

CLEVELAND:
Donna!

JOE:
Bonnie!

QUAGMIRE:
I'm not on the Internet.

Some people
in this neighborhood read.

Anyway, it was
a beautiful ceremony.

We laid my Uncle Reggie to rest
with the respect

that he deserved.

Aah!
Uncle Reggie!

I'm sorry we stuffed you
in that Hefty Cinch Sak

and pushed you in the pond.

Relax, guys.
It's just me.

You dug a hole all the way
from your house?

Pretty cool, huh?

Yeah, but what if Lois
notices you're gone?

Trust me, I got it covered.

Peter, there's some salmon
on the stove if you're hungry.

Well, it's what I made.

So, you guys want
to see the tunnel?

-Frick yeah.
-Let's go!
-Right behind you.

How 'bout you, Jerome?
You in?

Okay, well, he's busy.

Peter Griffin...

(dramatically):
you've been a busy boy.

- What was that?
- Just a cool way
to say something.

It wasn't that cool.

All right,
it's pretty neat, Peter,

but we should probably
get out of here.

Yeah, sure.

Unless anyone wants
to see a salamander.

Oh, look at it.

I named him Sally.

Slippy-ass little bug
right there.

Okay, this is pretty cool.

Come on, I'll show you the rest.

Look at these handprints.

Somebody did
the perfect cartwheel.

Actually, Peter,
there's elbow prints

and knee prints
all around this thing.

The perfect cartwheel.

And there's scuffled dirt and
a little bit of blood over here.

Perhaps the ancients
cartwheeled everywhere.

Peter, did you trip on a root
and eat it big-time?

No, I did not.

Uh, hang on. There's a guy
tunneling the other way.

Pretty cramped, huh?

(chuckles)
You said it.

Next time,
I pay for business class.

(chuckles)
Right?

That guy was in the paper
for hitting his wife.

(rumbling)

Peter, are you sure this tunnel
is structurally sound?

Don't worry, guys.
I'll cartwheel back for help.

Aah!
(groans)

A root.

(groans)
I ate it big-time.

- (rumbling)
- Look out!

Oh, my God.

The tunnel's completely
collapsed on both sides.

Oh, no.
We're stuck down here.

BEAVER:
Hey, guys.

Hey, look,
it's the dumb beaver.

You live down here?

Sure do.

Welcome to
my running-out-of-Airbnb.

(giggles)

No, but this is very serious.

Great.
Peter, this is just great.

Because you can't stand up
to your wife, I'm gonna die.

Relax, Quagmire.
Nobody's gonna die.

What do you think happens
when we run out of air, genius?

Air. Right.

You know, I'd only taken
the other three elements

into account.

Earth, wind, fire, water.

Where's air?

Wind is air.

Who's that, Joey Swanson
or Bill Nye the Science Guy?

Peter, can't you dig us
out of here?

No, I left my tools at The Clam.

Uh, what's standard protocol

for when the cops
start looking for us?

Uh, I'm not sure.

I just give out stickers
if kids come to the station.

I guess the only chance we have

is if Brian sells me out
to Lois.

What I wouldn't give to be
with a woman just one more time.

You can go over to that wall,
make yourself a dirt-gina.

- This wall here?
- No, silly.

That wall's a guy.

(all laughing)

TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to Planet Earth,

with its original narrator,
who was let go.

NARRATOR:
The Earth's oceans are very,

uh... vast?

- And, uh, a lot of fish. Yeah.
- (whale sings)

Couple of whales.

Some flora and fauna.

Both down there in the,
uh, uncharted depths?

Wow, what are those? Sharks?

We've, uh, probably got
a commercial break coming up.

Uh... Oh.
Oh, really?

Four hours, no commercials?

Wow, is that right?

Some penguins over there.

Brian, have you seen Peter?

N-No. Why?

Well, I haven't seen him
all morning.

I'm worried he left the house

and got into some kind
of trouble.

He'll turn up.
I'm sure he's fine.

Phew.

Somethin' on your mind there,
bud?

I'm not a bad boy.

Uh, nobody said you were.

Good.
Because I'm not a bad boy.

I'm a good boy.

How would you like to be
a very good boy?

Tell me how.
Tell me how.

Where's the fat man?

Aw, damn it.

But I promised Peter.

What is it?
What is it, boy?

(barking)

The fat man dug a tunnel
to go hang out

with Cleveland,
Joe and Quagmire?

We've got to tell someone.

What is it, Stewie?

(crying)

Daddy went
to a Peter Cetera concert

in Cleveland with Robin Tunney?

Robin Tunney
from The Mentalist slept

with the entire
Cleveland Browns team?

Bad Moms 1 and 2 are available
on most streaming platforms?

Don't-don't do that, Mila.

Not-not on this show.

Good afternoon. I'm Tom Tucker,
here with a story

that's "anchor out
of the studio" important.

Rescue attempts are underway
to free four men

who have been trapped
in an underground tunnel.

One of the men
is Quahog's own Peter Griffin.

Channel 5 reached out
to his family for comment.

Here's what they had to say.

I'm about to take my laptop
into the bathroom.

I ask that you please respect
my privacy

in this difficult time.

Thank you.

Anyone else
having trouble breathing?

Could just be allergies.

Yeah.
Yeah, you think it's allergies?

You don't think it's because
we're running out of air?

It's hard to say.

I don't know
how severe your allergies are.

- Different people are allergic
to different things.
- You are such a moron.

- You know,
I hope we do die down here.
- Oh, that's nice.

-So I never have to listen to
another word out of your mouth.
-That's a nice thing

- to say to a lifelong friend.
- (sneezes)

Ah. Ah.

I'm gonna kill you, Peter!

- (grunting)
- All right, calm down.

Let's not use the rest of
our oxygen to kill each other.

So if we're all
gonna die anyway,

what's the worst thing
you guys have ever done?

Okay, I'll go first.

Lois...

once killed a woman.

Seems like a secret about Lois.

Yeah.
But I picked out the woman.

Well, I, uh... I, uh, went
to a Coldplay concert by myself.

What?
That's terrible.

- Why would you do that?
- I like Coldplay!

They were playing in Boston,
so I made the trip.

Great show, I got to say.
Very visual.

It was visual.
I was at that show, too.

What?
You were there?

No, I'm just kidding.

(all laughing)

Uh, I like Lil Yachty, man.

I don't know nothin'
about that mess.

But I did go to that show.

Didn't mean to.

I said "Kid 'n Play"
on the phone,

but they didn't understand me,
so I got Coldplay.

One other time
I said "Kid 'n Play"

and I got Cirque du Soleil.

I'm thinking maybe Kid 'n Play
doesn't perform anymore.

(rumbling)

What's that sound?

Probably just the movie
in the next theater.

I hope the rest of the tunnel
isn't about to collapse.

MAN:
Hello? This is the Quahog
Emergency Rescue Team.

We're gonna get you
out of there.

- PETER: Yeah! (laughs)
-JOE: Oh, fresh air!
- QUAGMIRE: Oh, my God!

- PETER: Oh, my God!
- QUAGMIRE: Oh, we're saved!

So, uh, full disclosure,

the last time I did this,
the guy got torn in half.

Probably won't happen again,
but they want me to say it.

We're saved.

MAN 2:
Probably saved.

MAN:
I told them.

All right, whatever we do,

we're not gonna talk
about kissing practice.

-Totally.
-No way.
-Oh, no, I wouldn't.

You guys ready to come up?

We've been doing kissing
practice and I'm the best at it.

¶ ¶

(cheering)

(cheering)

Yay. The cop.

Okay.

(whirring, clacking)

PETER (over radio):
Stop. Stop. I'm stuck.

You're slightly too big
for the hole.

Can you take off your shirt
and come up in just pants?

Is Rebecca the cashier
from Rite Aid there?

She is.

Can you have her turn around?

(grunting)

Gross.

Oh, that's not Rebecca.
That's Gretchen.

That's fine.

Peter?

- Oh, Lois.
- ¶ I just want ¶

¶ To be the one you run to ¶

¶ I just want to be the one
you come to ¶

- ¶ I just want... ¶
- (grunts)

What the hell
were you thinking?!

Peter, the whole reason
you were grounded

was because
you were lying to me.

And then you lied to me
about the tunnel.

(sighs)
Look, I-I'm sorry I lied to you.

I'm sorry
I lied about the credit card.

And I'm sorry
I lied about the tunnel.

I know I was acting stupid,

and I deserved to be grounded.

Peter, I don't want
to have to ground you.

You're my husband.

I just don't want you
to lie to me.

I lie to you
'cause you treat me like a kid.

Act like a man and I'll
stop treating you like a kid.

Look like a kid,
I'll start acting like a man.

- What?
- I'm sorry, Lois.

That's just the tunnel talkin'.

So, Chris, you happy
to have your dad back?

Yeah, you know what, Tom,
I think we're all gonna go home

and charge our laptops
a little longer tonight.

You just never know when
you're gonna run out of juice

and have to use your phone.

(choked up): You know,
just because we're reporters

doesn't mean
we're devoid of emotion.

Go on and head home
with your family.

Thanks, Tom.

That's a...
(sniffles)

that's a very horny kid
right there.

Oh, it's so beautiful here.

Nothing but the best
for my beautiful bride

on her honeymoon.

I'm sorry, sir, the chef said

he can't make
a chocolate chip gumball pizza.

(chuckles): Oh, that's okay.
It's not your fault.

I'll just need
another minute then.

(sinisterly):
Her.

I'm on it.

I love you so much.

Mwah.

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH