Family Guy (1998–…): Season 17, Episode 9 - Pawtucket Pete - full transcript

Webster's defines "class"
as "a group of students

gathered at a pre-ordained time
for the purposes of education."

Angela pretty much epitomized class.

Who could turn the world on
with her smile? Angela.

Who could take a nothing day

and suddenly make it all
seem worthwhile? Angela.

So no one told you life
was gonna be this way.

Angela.

Sometimes you want to go
where everybody knows your name.

Angela.

Angela.



I'm sorry. Death is hard for me.

But at least Angela died
doing what she loved:

swimming less than 20 minutes
after she had eaten.

That's a real thing, kids.
Listen to your mothers.

That was Angela. Fearless. Spontaneous.

Honest, about herself
just as much as she was

about the world around her.

She had grace, courage,
and an unmatched zest for life.

She may be gone,
but her voice will live on

in DVD and Hulu Plus

and tiny droid-projected messages.

I may have lost a boss,

but heaven has gained a princess.

And I am at the wrong funeral.



It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy!

Any idea what this meeting is about?

Oh, we're getting a new boss?
Oh, I hope it's Hugo Boss.

Then we'll all look snazzy.

Tonight's episode of Family Guy

is brought to you by Hugo Boss.

Look for us in the
low-trafficked corner of Macy's

between Eddie Bauer and
the never-bought male jewelry.

Attention, everyone!
Do not adjust your TV sets.

We are an interracial couple.

I'd like to introduce myself.

My name is Bert and this
is my lovely wife Sheila.

Two sets of disappointed parents
right there.

- Well, only her parents.
- Aah!

Now that Angela's no longer with us,

we will be your new bosses.

We're splitting the job
because one of the shareholders'

favorite songs was "Ebony and Ivory,"

so here we are.

Now we know it's difficult to remember

two new names, so to make things easier,

- you can call us "Beila."
- Or "Shert."

Boy, I bet you
she's a handful in the bedroom.

Two handfuls, baby.

Damn it, I went all the way
around the room!

Now, some of you may find the idea

of two bosses unconventional, but...

We assure you nothing will be different.

And our door will always be open
to you any time of day.

And there is no issue
too big or too small.

Nice to meet all of you.

So, as our mascot Pawtucket Pat says,

"All ye Federalists, imbibe!"

It means, "Everybody, drink."

Yay!

Two bosses? This sucks.

Well, at least it beats
being home with my wife.

Peter!

Aah! When did we cut back home?

- Hey, Peter.
- All right, Sheila,

let's do it right here
on the desk while Bert watches.

No, Peter, that's not what this is.

Sorry, I-I thought
I was picking up on a vibe.

So, Peter, we've been tasked
with making the operations

around here run more efficiently,

and part of that will involve
reassigning people

based on their abilities.

We want you to be
the office recyclables guy.

So we're gonna put a flag on you,

and wherever you go, people will know

that's where they put their recyclables.

Please don't just throw them over.

Well, at least make sure all
the liquids are gone, please,

before you throw them.

Smithers, who is that young go-getter?

That's a character
from another show, sir.

- Simpson, you say?
- Pretty much, sir. mu

We now return to Titanic 2,

narrated by Al Gore.

Iceberg, right ahead!

But due to man's
excessive use of fossil fuels,

climate change had rendered the iceberg

nothing more than a small cube.

Peter, why are you wearing a flag?

Eh, it's part of my job now
'cause of my new bosses.

Uh, is it a promotion?

Because it doesn't
look like a promotion.

No, it looks like an old lady's Rascal.

- Aah!
- So, who are these new bosses?

Their names are Bert and Sheila.
My job sucks now.

It's worse than when
I was a dinosaur walker.

- Hey!
- What?

- Pick that up!
- Pick what up?

- That!
- That? That was there.

No, you were looking at your phone.

- No, I wasn't.
- Yes, you were.

Sir, this is a neighborhood

where we respect the rules of society.

Ooh! Society now.
Sir Thomas More up here.

Good for you and your neighborhood.

I'm gonna take a picture of you
and post it on Facebook.

Oh, great!
I hope it gets a lot of likes.

You know what? I forgot my bag.

- Ooh, you forgot your bag?
- Yeah, I forgot my bag.

But I'll be sure to come back

- and pick this up.
- Oh, yes, I'm sure you'll be back.

Look, I'm only here to create
an amusing comparison

- to my current job...
- Well, bully for you.

Which I am, at this moment,

describing to my family
in my living room.

So, technically, you don't even exist.

Well, how do you know I wasn't
telling my wife a story

and you're a figment of my imagination?

I-I can assure you that is not the case.

We'll be right back
with more Greg in the Window.

Well, I'll be.

Window!

Greg in the Window, brought to you by

never-bought male jewelry.

Okay, Peter, we've got
something else for you.

We need you to taste test our
new varieties of seasonal beers,

which will be coming down
this conveyor belt.

Place those on this tray.

All right, that seems easy enough.

Also, our delivery truck drivers

have to pass an annual drug test,

so we'll need you to collect
their urine samples.

They'll be coming down
this same conveyor belt

in similarly colored cups,

which you will need to place
on this tray.

Well, that doesn't seem like a...

Belt activated.

Uh, showtime.

Pumpkin, not bad.

Ugh, trucker pee.

Belt speed increasing.

Oh, boy.

Apple cinnamon, not bad.

Pee laced with meth.

- Winter wheat.
- Lady trucker pee.

Belt speed maximum.

Ah, crap! Trucker. Trucker.

Oktoberfest. Trucker.

Amber squash, yuck. Trucker. Trucker.

And let's hope this one
was an Asparagus IPA.

Too bad about the latest
sales numbers, huh?

I don't talk to anyone
standing at a urinal.

Too bad about the latest
sales numbers, huh?

Thanks for waiting.

You know, our testing
came back and shows

we're losing market share.

Apparently, nobody can relate
to our mascot Pawtucket Pat.

Are you guys
talking about work in there?

Oh, yes, come on in, honey.
We've put our wangs away.

Did you tell him about our testing?

Yeah, our customers find
a 300-year-old mascot

hard to relate to,
they want a regular guy.

You know, a-a guy who'd
drink a beer on a toilet.

Griffin?

No.

It is you, Peter.

What are you doing?

Playing a game on my phone
and having a beer.

And, God willing, going to the bathroom.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

He must be (BLEEP) on his shirt tail?

Ew, yes, but also,

that's exactly the kind of customer

we should be appealing to.

I think we found our new mascot.
Are you in, Peter?

May I have a moment
to talk it over with my mentor?

Sure.

I'm in.

No. We did it.

Wow, Peter, so you're really
replacing Pawtucket Pat

- as the new mascot?
- Yup, I'm the new Pawtucket Pat.

Hey, now you and Jared from Subway

have two things in common.

No! No, that's not true, Meg!
It's not true!

Peter, Peter, she's garbage.
She's garbage.

- Let it go. You're the king.
- Yeah, garbage, yeah.

Anyway, turn on the TV.

They're about to play
my first commercial.

Pawtucket Patriot:

the perfect beer
for New England beaches.

Ladies and gentlemen,

throwing out today's
ceremonial first pitch,

the face of
the Pawtucket Patriot Brewery,

Pawtucket Pat!

Aah! Please kill me!

Still buy the beer, though.

And now, a five-hour baseball game.

Hey, guys, I'm Billy on the Street,

and I'm here with
one of the biggest mascots

- in America right now.
- Popular, he means. Not large.

Let me do my intro!

Okay, we're gonna go up
to people and give a dollar

to everyone who recognizes you.
Let's go.

Sir, sir, sir, for a dollar,
do you know who this is?

- No.
- Oh, come on, he's in a new commercial.

I don't even own a TV.

Oh, you don't own a TV?
I'm very impressed! Let's go!

Sir, sir, quick, tell me.

- Who is this man?
- Uh...

Adweek magazine called him
the Pitchman of the Year.

Who doesn't read Adweek?!

There's, uh, there's more running

than I thought there'd be.

- Oh, is he Jerry Ferrara?
- Jerry Ferrara?

You mean Turtle from Entourage?
You're the worst!

Even worse than the Entourage movie!

Mark Wahlberg is one of
our finest producers!

I-I don't, uh, I-I don't feel
comfortable doing this.

He was just getting a cup
of coffee with his daughter.

- They should know you!
- Hey, you're Pawtucket Pat.

Yes, thank you! He's Pawtucket Pat!

Not that I watch this show.

I watch Black Mirror and
The Goldbergs, and that's it!

Wow, can I get a picture with you?

- No!
- What's his problem?

Between you and me, I think
he may need a lady friend.

Peter, I'm famously gay!

Oh, my God, he ran around the world.

Hey, so how's the whole
Pawtucket Pat thing going?

Aw, it's the best.

Everywhere I go,
people recognize me and love me.

And the other day,
I even got to hang out

with a bunch of other famous mascots.

So, you, uh, you really make
all those cookies in that tree?

- They're great!
- Like, the tree is wood.

Like, how does the tree
not catch on fire?

Hey, you want to cool it
with that drumming?

Anyway, do you have to water your house?

- 'Cause I would think that...
- They're great!

You know what, let's just forget
the conversation

and just pose for the picture.

By the way, Tony,
I'm sorry your wife was shot

by Donald Trump's children.

Hi, Peter.
It's me, Sheila, and me, Bert.

Here's a dollar! Stop talking like that!

Sorry about him. We ruined people's days

in New York earlier.

We came by to share some great news.

That's right.
Your character's so popular,

you're gonna have a balloon
in the annual Quahog Parade!

- No way. That's awesome!
- Said no one ever.

Ah. Yes. I've seen that on the Internet.

Uh, who is this?

Oh, that's-that's my dog, Brian.

You have a dog that makes jokes
and drinks beer?

Not just any beer.

Pawtucket Patriot Truckers Blend.

- Ah, I approved that.
- Oh, this is just what we need.

- You guys are great together.
- What are you talking about?

Well, think about it, Peter.
The public loves Pawtucket Pat.

Imagine how much they'd love to know

he has a funny sidekick dog
who drinks with him.

Wow, that could be really cool.
What do you say, Brian?

You're saying you need
a mascot's sidekick?

Hold my beer.

Uhp, that's also from the Internet.

Hi, I'm Bert of Bert and Sheila.

And I'm Sheila.

All right. Now, before
we bring out Daughtry...

Hurry it up!
Some of us came for Daughtry!

It's our pleasure
to introduce Pawtucket Pat

and his new sidekick Hops McElaney,

the Alcoholic Dog. Come on, y'all!

- Say, Brian...
- "Hops."

- Hops.
- Yes, Peter?

- "Pat."
- Pat.

What were you doing
up on the roof last night?

- Well, Peter...
- "Pat."

Pat. I was up on the roof

because you told me
drinks were on the house.

Nice one, Brian.

- "Hops."
- Hops.

Let's hear more from the dog!

Hops! Hops! Hops!

And Daughtry!

I'm sorry, sir, you can't park here.

This spot is reserved
for the brewery mascot.

Yeah, I am the brewery mascot.

No, you're the brewery mascot's
sidekick.

What the hell? I'm the sidekick?

Aw, my life can't get any worse.

Hey, at least
you're not getting attacked

by a goose for no reason.

Hey, you got bread, bro?
Give me that bread, bro.

Come on, bro. Bro.

Help me, Officer Goosefear!

Guys, from now on,
I need to stand this up

in the middle of your table.

Pawww yeah!

'Cause he's a dog.

Man, I hate being a sidekick
to this stupid dog.

- Yeah, I can imagine, Peter.
- I doubt you can, Quagmire.

None of you can.

- Well, I think I understand...
- I'm talking, Glenn.

I doubt any of you can begin
to know what it's like

to ride someone's coattails,

to play second fiddle to some fat idiot,

to constantly be setting up
someone else's...

It's The Joe Show

Starring Joe

Doing all sorts of Joe things

Not your average Joe,
and also he can walk.

Just a footnote
to someone else's narrative.

I tell you, this sucks worse

than being a monkey at Coachella.

Dude, it sucks this year.
There's no good bands.

- There's Bananarama.
- There's, like, one good band.

Hey, Brian, you want to go to the park?

The public park?

Uh, no, I don't think
that'd be a good idea.

Because of Beaglemania.

- What?
- My fame.

- That's what they're calling it.
- Who's calling it Beaglemania?

Well, you just did. Catching on.

Well, leave it to you to ruin it.

Just like Dasani ruined water.

Hey, guys, so you know
how water tastes like nothing?

Well, what if it tasted like
every bottle had a nickel in it?

I want you to sign my chest.

And I want to hawk a loogie
in your face.

I want you to sign my ass.

And I want to hawk a loogie
in your face.

I want you to autograph my stomach.

Okay, fine, but do me a favor:
don't spit on my friend.

Hey, Brian?

Why don't you mind
your own (BLEEP) business?

Oh, God, again with this Beaglemania?

- Where'd you get those T-shirts?
- From Brian.

He says it's really catching on.

- Well, it isn't. It's a joke.
- It's no joke for him, Dad.

He even recorded The Bite Album.

K-nine. K-nine.

K-nine. K-nine. K-nine.

K-nine. K-nine.

Coming up, uncomfortable pause

as anchor throws to reporter
in the field.

But first, hey, hungover dads,
want to go to a parade?

Does that sound like fun
on a Sunday morning?

Not just being worried about your kids,

but everyone else's kids
around you, too?

For more, here's Tricia Takanawa.

Apparently we've lost Tricia...

Tom, I'm standing here
outside some public toilets

where dads who are really
hurting will be vomiting

in front of their
still-developing children.

The parade is tomorrow,
but already the giant balloons

are being inflated including
two newcomers this year:

Pepe, the alt-right frog,

and Hops the Dog,
the beloved beer pitchman.

Aw, man. Brian gets his own balloon?

This can't get any worse.

In fact, Hops is so popular
that hundreds of Quahog women

have volunteered to blow up his balloon.

Aw, that's the cashier
at the CVS I like.

And here comes the marching band,

led by baton twirler Jane Duncan,

whose aunt is famously-thin
actress Bebe Neuwirth.

Jane lists her hobbies as baton twirling

and trying to contact her aunt.

And, look, is that the beer mascot

you've all been waiting for?

That's right, it's Hops the Dog.

Stupid Brian. Can't even
wave to the crowd right.

Hi! Thanks for coming out. Hi!

Hops! Hops! Hops!

Where's Dad? He's missing this.

Say good-bye, Hops.

Excuse me, sir?

Are you a guest of the hotel?

I-I, uh...
I'm-I'm just here for an event.

Oh, are you part
of Sarah's bridal brunch?

Uh, yeah. Yeah.

Can't-can't believe
she's heading down the aisle.

Well, they're making speeches
in the Santa Fe Lounge.

If you hurry,
you can still get yours in.

Well, Sarah, another turning
point, a fork stuck in the road.

Who is he again?

I think he's that guy from the funeral.

You know, part of me
is glad Sarah met Henry,

because she and I had a pact
that if neither of us

was married by 40, we'd get hitched.

And I think you all know
how that would have gone.

Everybody, get down!

So, to Sarah and Henry.

May they have a long and happy marriage.

Tom, I'm standing here
along the parade route

where the Hops balloon
has just been punctured,

and is now raining helium

Down on the crowd,

creating chaos and wreaking havoc.

We have an active shooter!

I repeat, we have an active shooter!

I can't stress the seriousness
of this situation enough!

This is a disaster!

Brian, you're fired.

What do you mean? This isn't my fault.

I'm never drinking this beer again.

My voice is impervious to helium.

What a mess, huh?

Hey, Peter, sorry all that fame
went to my head.

And I'm sorry I shot your balloon.

How'd you get out of jail so fast?

And I'm sorry II took a hostage...

It's an ongoing situation.

Honey, close that window
and come to bed.

- In a minute.
- Greg Mitchell,

sometimes I feel like
I married you and that window.

The two of you
are more similar than you think.

And how's that?

Well, for one thing,
you're both a real pane.

Window.