Family Guy (1998–…): Season 17, Episode 11 - Trump Guy - full transcript
The Griffins move to the White House where Peter is hired as the new Press Secretary.
It seems today that all you see
Is violence in movies and sex on TV
But where are those
good old-fashioned values
On which we used to rely?
Lucky there's a family guy
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do
All the things that make us
Laugh and cry
He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy!
Previously on Family Guy...
Dad's working
for the Trump White House?
Huh... hey, Stewie,
can we do that again?
Maybe a little more energy?
Uh, no?
I-I think we can use it.
Oh, yay, that's awesome.
Wow, the White House is great.
There's no wonder
you spend two days a week here.
I'm sorry, can you hang on a sec?
Got to close this window.
Melania's out there
blowing bubbles for Eric.
Dad, I got one in my mouth.
It tastes like soap!
Tremendous. Amazing.
Okay, Peter, your main job here
is to go in rooms before me
to make sure
there's no static electricity.
Don't go in there. It's not safe.
Well done, Peter.
Everyone, welcome to our new place.
I think we're gonna enjoy
the Beltway lifestyle.
Washington, D.C. is
a wonderful city to call home.
And will we be putting our kids
in the local public schools?
No, I would not recommend it.
Dibs on the bedroom
in which an intern got murdered.
Aw, I want the intern murder bedroom!
There's no need to fight, kids.
An intern has been murdered
in each of the bedrooms.
Well, I think this sucks.
I want to go back to Quahog.
But we just got here, sweetie.
Tomorrow, at James Woods High,
it's Scoliosis Spine Check Day.
It's the one day a year I get touched!
Meg, your father got
this great new opportunity,
and we need to support him.
Let's give D.C. a chance, huh?
Yeah, Meg, trust me...
Before long, we'll fit right in here,
like a cowboy in a Chinese Starbucks.
This is the most strangest place ever.
Yee! Ha!
Oh, this ain't so different.
Oh, this is so exciting!
I've never been to a fancy
White House party before.
We're happy you're here,
Mrs. Griffin, Mr. Griffin.
And we're glad you brought
your two children
and former Governor Chris Christie.
That's, like, the fourth person
who's called Meg Chris Christie.
Aw, sweetie, I'm sorry everyone thinks
you're a historically unpopular
fatso from New Jersey.
Whatever. I just want to go home.
Oh, you can't go home yet!
We haven't even served dinner.
And I hope you saved your appetite,
because, later, we're all wiping our ass
with the Constitution.
Hi, Brian Griffin.
They let me write some
of the liberal jokes.
How you liking 'em?
Good, there's more coming.
Folks, to drink this evening,
we've got red wine,
white wine, and a fifth of bourbon.
What'll you have, disgraced
political oddity Roger Stone?
I'll take the fifth.
That works on two levels.
Layered.
Man, the Trump White House
is so awesome.
And for sure it's not crawling
with Russians.
That's for actual,
other American at this party.
So, what kinds of things
do you hearing
from our Mr. USA President?
I don't know, fellow American,
but here's my Gmail log-in and password,
'cause I know I can trust you with it.
Wonderful.
Now, to please excuse,
I have very aching gut
from eating so much apple cake.
Ha! Doesn't get more American than that.
Sorry! I'm just looking for the exit.
I didn't mean to...
Holy girl boner.
Ivanka Trump
Has a gentle breeze indoors.
Tell those kids, if they ever
want to see their parents again,
they'll make the shoes!
Do you know who you're dealing with?
My husband is the son of a felon
who went to prison for
blackmailing his brother-in-law
by entrapping him with a prostitute
and then mailing a copy
of the tape to his own sister!
All that stuff
Happened for real.
Is everything okay?
Huh? Oh. Yeah.
Sorry to be out of sorts. I just...
Sometimes I wish
I could meet someone else
whose dad is a fat idiot who
once had a hit television show
and who, over time,
has worn out his welcome.
- You know, Meg's dad is als...
- Shut up, Tiffany.
Yeah. Shut up, Tiffany.
Meg, I think you'd look amazing
in my brand of lifestyle products
that are designed to represent
a poor person's idea
of what a rich person would wear.
- You think so?
- Trust me.
When I'm done with you,
you'll be pretty enough to marry
an Orthodox Jewish son of a felon
who's too stupid to get
into Harvard the normal way.
And whose voice is way higher
than you thought it would be?
Hi, honey. Ready for dinner?
Stewie, where have you been?
Ugh, many
American baby things am I doing.
So, what is your favorite
ballistic missile launch codes?
Whoa, is that Meg?
That girl is pretty.
So pretty by D.C. standards.
With Geico, you can save
up to 15% on car insurance.
Wow! Two-thirds of the people
here are talking about me.
Because you're beautiful, Meg.
Thanks to you.
Come on, let me introduce you
to the president.
He's kind of like my boyfriend.
Hang on. He's still getting ready.
Hey, Dad, I want you
to meet my new friend, Meg.
- Pleased to meet you.
- I've got to run, Dad.
Thanks again for getting me
plastic surgery in my teens.
Um, yeah, anyway,
it's an honor to meet you,
Mr. President.
This is amazing.
Yesterday, I was at Quahog Pond,
pulling out carps
just to watch them suffocate.
And now look at me,
with the winner of the 46th-largest
electoral college victory of all time.
And, I got to say, I'm a huge fan
of your board game
and your beef products
and your fraudulent university and...
- Oh, my God!
- Oh, please.
Every president
since Washington has done this.
Dearest Martha,
I cannot wait
to once again place my hand
onto your Gates of Venus.
My darling Bess,
tonight, I'm going to drop the Big One
onto your Pacific theater.
Hey,
Barbara Bush, working late.
Sleeping in office.
Crazy headache.
You look like my mom.
Good afternoon, I'm Tim Tucker,
not my twin brother, Tom.
Our top story: mentally
challenged boys' T-shirts.
Are they getting even longer?
Um, guys, I got to tell you something.
Last night, at the White House,
President Trump
touched me inappropriately.
- What?!
- Meg, that's my boss, all right?
This is my career you're talking about.
I spent a whole day working on this.
You want me to just
throw away in one day
what I've spent a whole day
trying to build?
A whole day's worth of work,
poof, gone in a day!
Meg, you expect us to believe
that the president of the United States
would grab a woman by her (BLEEP)?
That's ridiculous!
How could you not believe me?
Oh, hang on. CNN's on,
where I'm the loudest guy
on an overcrowded panel.
This country needs
stronger border security.
Our border security
is the strongest in the world.
What we need
is to take care of our children.
I can't get an erection!
You think giving them amnesty
is fair to the people
who are already here?
They're contributing to the economy.
I've tried all the herbs!
Amnesty is never the answer.
It's not amnesty.
It's recognizing their
contributions to our country.
They said to meditate,
but I keep fallin' asleep!
We need stronger vetting.
And to enforce the laws
already on the books.
I'm terrified
of being alone with my wife!
It's too much pressure!
Well, nothing's ever gonna change
if Congress isn't willing to compromise.
- Exactly my point.
- A wall would solve this.
I wake up with an erection,
but never when she's in the bed with me!
A wall would solve nothing.
These children have rights.
I spent three grand
on a Sandals vacation,
thinking that might do it!
Know what it was?
Me being limp on a lazy river!
Well, that's all the time we have.
- Thank you to Peter Griffin...
- No!
Don't send me home to my wife!
Democrats.
That's why we went to Sandals?
Dad, did you hear what I said?
Sorry, Meg, I got to go to work.
What? You're still gonna work
for that man
after he assaulted me?
Meg, you got to stop with these stories.
People hate a liar.
Just like closed captioning
stenographers hated
the Sleepy Hollow guy for some reason.
Did he carry a broadax?
The mark on his hand...
Was it a bow?
Oh, no. No, no, no, it can't be.
When I cut off his head.
Okay, I'll take your questions.
Me With A Fake Mustache.
America wants to know
what you're packin' up there.
I've heard 11 inches. True?
All right, that's enough from you.
Me With A Funny Hat.
I also have heard 11 inches.
Okay, any non-11-inch questions?
Me With An Old-Timey Wig.
I've heard four handbreadths.
Mr. President, the press
briefing went very well.
Many people are saying
it was the best press briefing
in all of history.
Mr. Griffin, you're not speaking
to President Trump.
That's a butternut squash.
Oh. Well, if this lumpy orange
garbage vegetable is here,
then where's President Donald Trump?
Mr. President, please,
I'm not interested.
You'll regret this.
Oh, my God.
Bob's Burgers is on!
This show speaks
to us young people, apparently.
That show... and-and I mean
no disrespect when I say this...
But that show looks like
it was animated in a moving car.
And again, no disrespect,
wonderful people over there.
But... oh, my God, President
Trump is assaulting Meg,
I can't believe what
I just saw, Mr. President!
What would your third wife,
the soft-core girl-on-girl
porn lady, think about this?
Or the actual porn star
your lawyer paid hush money to?
I'm so sorry we didn't
believe you earlier, sweetie.
Yeah, where do you get off
behaving like this?
- Why shouldn't I? You do.
- What?
When you walked through that
door, you insulted Bob's Burgers
and the hundreds of people
who work there.
Well, I was just kidding around.
No, you weren't. You're just jealous
'cause it wins all the Emmys
and the kids love it.
You seem to know a lot
about Bob's Burgers.
Of course I do.
Bob's Burgers
is my favorite animated show.
Wow. There's your headline, Emmy voters.
Vote your conscience.
Anyway, my point is,
if Peter Griffin gets to be
a jerk all the time,
then why can't Donald Trump?
Huh.
That is not the...
dumbest thing you've ever said.
So are we square?
No.
No, President Trump, we are not!
I quit!
- What?
- That's right.
And you know what else?
My days of being mean
and insulting are over!
From here on out,
I'm gonna be the nice,
kind Peter Griffin.
You can't walk out on me.
I'm the president.
Well, you're not a very good one.
Like that guy.
Or-or that one.
Or that one.
Hey, which one is that, anyway?
I'm Grover Cleveland,
the only president to be married
in the White House.
Oh, what a nice story.
It's a great story. I married a girl
who I'd raised since
the time she was 11 years old.
Oh.
Well, that guy's not getting a musical.
We now return
to Pirates of the Caribbean,
where the sound guy
put the microphone too close
to Johnny Depp's jangling bracelets.
Hold it right there, Sparrow.
This is the day you will always remember
as the day you almost caught
Captain Jack Sparrow.
- What?!
- I said...
I've spent $65 million
on vacation homes and daytime wine.
All right, turn off
that cheap celebrity slam.
The Griffins are gonna be
better than that now.
- What?
- You heard me.
We are done being mean and insulting,
like Donald Trump is. From now on,
this family's
gonna be nice and supportive.
Oh. So if we're being nice now,
maybe you have nice things
to say to me, Dad.
Uh... of course I do.
Your hair is, um...
very... hat.
You're a... hat owner.
You're also hatted.
Why does he keep coming back to the hat?
Peter, stop. Your nipples are bleeding.
All right, fine, I'm not a nice person.
I'm sick of complimenting your hat!
I knew that fat man
couldn't keep this up.
He always buckles under pressure.
Yeah, you're right.
Like at that Billy Joel concert.
Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da
Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da
Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da
Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da
Uptown girl!
Trump!
Who are you? I have dementia.
Peter Griffin.
Look, you were right.
I can be insulting sometimes,
I admit it.
But so what? I'm just a guy
from Rhode Island.
You' the President of the United States!
You're not just a guy from Rhode Island.
You're Peter Griffin from Family Guy.
Many children have learned
their favorite Jewish, black
and gay jokes by watching
your show over the years.
In fairness, we've been trying
to phase out the gay stuff.
But you know what? We're a cartoon.
You can turn us off.
You're the president.
We can't turn you off.
And you're on, like, all the time!
Yes, tremendous ratings.
Our Leslie Nielsen ratings
are the highest in history.
Surely you can't be serious.
I am serious. And don't call me Leslie.
Argh... You really do find a way
to screw everything up.
If I screwed up so bad,
how come I'm a billionaire?
Billionaire? Please.
You're worth $700 mil on the high side.
And most of that is borrowed
or tied up and underwater.
That's why you ain't
releasin' your taxes, Trump.
You're cash poor!
Say that again.
I dare you.
You...
are cash...
poor.
Peter! Catch!
Kill him in front of me, and I sex you.
Yah!
Yah!
Aah!
Yah!
Sarah, any update?
I haven't had the chance
to ask the president
if he is fighting with Peter Griffin.
Oh!
- Yah!
- Yah!
I wrote that one.
Why are we so damn divided, America?
...making Neil Armstrong
the first man to walk on the Moon.
Who knows,
maybe someone listening to this
might be the first chicken
to walk on the Moon.
I got a sillier plane.
Peter!
Grab my hand!
I can't! It's too little!
Wha...? Who... who put this here?
I did. Sure hope that's okay.
Justin Trudeau?
The hunky prime minister of Canada?
He's not that hunky.
Very weak borders.
I was just kayakin' past,
and it looked like
you guys could use some help.
- Everything okay?
- No, yeah, we're good.
He touched my daughter,
but I punched him,
like, a hundred times,
so we're fine now.
I punched you, like, a million times.
I punched you infinity times.
I punched you infinity plus one times.
- Damn it!
- Right on!
Well, then, I'll just go do
some awesome Canada stuff.
Hey, call me if you
ever need help movin'.
Trudeau, away...!
That guy's the best.
You know who's really the best?
Putin. Putin's the best.
Yes, he is. Putin is the best.
Ha! I write this part.
Am I not to be a stinker?
Bye-bye, American
situation comedy with drawings.
I'm glad we're back in Quahog.
And just in time to see
my appearance on Jeopardy!
- Peter?
- What is...
it like to have an erection?
I'm sorry, we were looking for
"the electromagnetic spectrum."
Betty, still your board.
I was not included in the final round.
I'll tell you one thing, I'm
not gonna miss Washington, D.C.
Well, we had a lot of fun this
week and changed zero minds.
If you want to learn more
about our president,
consult the steele dossier,
which is all about getting peed on.
He also, with whole heart
and full throat,
endorsed a pedophile
for the United States Senate.
That didn't fit
into tonight's narrative,
but should not be forgotten.
And I am a proud hat owner.
Shut up, Meg.
From our family to yours,
we're very frightened.
Is violence in movies and sex on TV
But where are those
good old-fashioned values
On which we used to rely?
Lucky there's a family guy
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do
All the things that make us
Laugh and cry
He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy!
Previously on Family Guy...
Dad's working
for the Trump White House?
Huh... hey, Stewie,
can we do that again?
Maybe a little more energy?
Uh, no?
I-I think we can use it.
Oh, yay, that's awesome.
Wow, the White House is great.
There's no wonder
you spend two days a week here.
I'm sorry, can you hang on a sec?
Got to close this window.
Melania's out there
blowing bubbles for Eric.
Dad, I got one in my mouth.
It tastes like soap!
Tremendous. Amazing.
Okay, Peter, your main job here
is to go in rooms before me
to make sure
there's no static electricity.
Don't go in there. It's not safe.
Well done, Peter.
Everyone, welcome to our new place.
I think we're gonna enjoy
the Beltway lifestyle.
Washington, D.C. is
a wonderful city to call home.
And will we be putting our kids
in the local public schools?
No, I would not recommend it.
Dibs on the bedroom
in which an intern got murdered.
Aw, I want the intern murder bedroom!
There's no need to fight, kids.
An intern has been murdered
in each of the bedrooms.
Well, I think this sucks.
I want to go back to Quahog.
But we just got here, sweetie.
Tomorrow, at James Woods High,
it's Scoliosis Spine Check Day.
It's the one day a year I get touched!
Meg, your father got
this great new opportunity,
and we need to support him.
Let's give D.C. a chance, huh?
Yeah, Meg, trust me...
Before long, we'll fit right in here,
like a cowboy in a Chinese Starbucks.
This is the most strangest place ever.
Yee! Ha!
Oh, this ain't so different.
Oh, this is so exciting!
I've never been to a fancy
White House party before.
We're happy you're here,
Mrs. Griffin, Mr. Griffin.
And we're glad you brought
your two children
and former Governor Chris Christie.
That's, like, the fourth person
who's called Meg Chris Christie.
Aw, sweetie, I'm sorry everyone thinks
you're a historically unpopular
fatso from New Jersey.
Whatever. I just want to go home.
Oh, you can't go home yet!
We haven't even served dinner.
And I hope you saved your appetite,
because, later, we're all wiping our ass
with the Constitution.
Hi, Brian Griffin.
They let me write some
of the liberal jokes.
How you liking 'em?
Good, there's more coming.
Folks, to drink this evening,
we've got red wine,
white wine, and a fifth of bourbon.
What'll you have, disgraced
political oddity Roger Stone?
I'll take the fifth.
That works on two levels.
Layered.
Man, the Trump White House
is so awesome.
And for sure it's not crawling
with Russians.
That's for actual,
other American at this party.
So, what kinds of things
do you hearing
from our Mr. USA President?
I don't know, fellow American,
but here's my Gmail log-in and password,
'cause I know I can trust you with it.
Wonderful.
Now, to please excuse,
I have very aching gut
from eating so much apple cake.
Ha! Doesn't get more American than that.
Sorry! I'm just looking for the exit.
I didn't mean to...
Holy girl boner.
Ivanka Trump
Has a gentle breeze indoors.
Tell those kids, if they ever
want to see their parents again,
they'll make the shoes!
Do you know who you're dealing with?
My husband is the son of a felon
who went to prison for
blackmailing his brother-in-law
by entrapping him with a prostitute
and then mailing a copy
of the tape to his own sister!
All that stuff
Happened for real.
Is everything okay?
Huh? Oh. Yeah.
Sorry to be out of sorts. I just...
Sometimes I wish
I could meet someone else
whose dad is a fat idiot who
once had a hit television show
and who, over time,
has worn out his welcome.
- You know, Meg's dad is als...
- Shut up, Tiffany.
Yeah. Shut up, Tiffany.
Meg, I think you'd look amazing
in my brand of lifestyle products
that are designed to represent
a poor person's idea
of what a rich person would wear.
- You think so?
- Trust me.
When I'm done with you,
you'll be pretty enough to marry
an Orthodox Jewish son of a felon
who's too stupid to get
into Harvard the normal way.
And whose voice is way higher
than you thought it would be?
Hi, honey. Ready for dinner?
Stewie, where have you been?
Ugh, many
American baby things am I doing.
So, what is your favorite
ballistic missile launch codes?
Whoa, is that Meg?
That girl is pretty.
So pretty by D.C. standards.
With Geico, you can save
up to 15% on car insurance.
Wow! Two-thirds of the people
here are talking about me.
Because you're beautiful, Meg.
Thanks to you.
Come on, let me introduce you
to the president.
He's kind of like my boyfriend.
Hang on. He's still getting ready.
Hey, Dad, I want you
to meet my new friend, Meg.
- Pleased to meet you.
- I've got to run, Dad.
Thanks again for getting me
plastic surgery in my teens.
Um, yeah, anyway,
it's an honor to meet you,
Mr. President.
This is amazing.
Yesterday, I was at Quahog Pond,
pulling out carps
just to watch them suffocate.
And now look at me,
with the winner of the 46th-largest
electoral college victory of all time.
And, I got to say, I'm a huge fan
of your board game
and your beef products
and your fraudulent university and...
- Oh, my God!
- Oh, please.
Every president
since Washington has done this.
Dearest Martha,
I cannot wait
to once again place my hand
onto your Gates of Venus.
My darling Bess,
tonight, I'm going to drop the Big One
onto your Pacific theater.
Hey,
Barbara Bush, working late.
Sleeping in office.
Crazy headache.
You look like my mom.
Good afternoon, I'm Tim Tucker,
not my twin brother, Tom.
Our top story: mentally
challenged boys' T-shirts.
Are they getting even longer?
Um, guys, I got to tell you something.
Last night, at the White House,
President Trump
touched me inappropriately.
- What?!
- Meg, that's my boss, all right?
This is my career you're talking about.
I spent a whole day working on this.
You want me to just
throw away in one day
what I've spent a whole day
trying to build?
A whole day's worth of work,
poof, gone in a day!
Meg, you expect us to believe
that the president of the United States
would grab a woman by her (BLEEP)?
That's ridiculous!
How could you not believe me?
Oh, hang on. CNN's on,
where I'm the loudest guy
on an overcrowded panel.
This country needs
stronger border security.
Our border security
is the strongest in the world.
What we need
is to take care of our children.
I can't get an erection!
You think giving them amnesty
is fair to the people
who are already here?
They're contributing to the economy.
I've tried all the herbs!
Amnesty is never the answer.
It's not amnesty.
It's recognizing their
contributions to our country.
They said to meditate,
but I keep fallin' asleep!
We need stronger vetting.
And to enforce the laws
already on the books.
I'm terrified
of being alone with my wife!
It's too much pressure!
Well, nothing's ever gonna change
if Congress isn't willing to compromise.
- Exactly my point.
- A wall would solve this.
I wake up with an erection,
but never when she's in the bed with me!
A wall would solve nothing.
These children have rights.
I spent three grand
on a Sandals vacation,
thinking that might do it!
Know what it was?
Me being limp on a lazy river!
Well, that's all the time we have.
- Thank you to Peter Griffin...
- No!
Don't send me home to my wife!
Democrats.
That's why we went to Sandals?
Dad, did you hear what I said?
Sorry, Meg, I got to go to work.
What? You're still gonna work
for that man
after he assaulted me?
Meg, you got to stop with these stories.
People hate a liar.
Just like closed captioning
stenographers hated
the Sleepy Hollow guy for some reason.
Did he carry a broadax?
The mark on his hand...
Was it a bow?
Oh, no. No, no, no, it can't be.
When I cut off his head.
Okay, I'll take your questions.
Me With A Fake Mustache.
America wants to know
what you're packin' up there.
I've heard 11 inches. True?
All right, that's enough from you.
Me With A Funny Hat.
I also have heard 11 inches.
Okay, any non-11-inch questions?
Me With An Old-Timey Wig.
I've heard four handbreadths.
Mr. President, the press
briefing went very well.
Many people are saying
it was the best press briefing
in all of history.
Mr. Griffin, you're not speaking
to President Trump.
That's a butternut squash.
Oh. Well, if this lumpy orange
garbage vegetable is here,
then where's President Donald Trump?
Mr. President, please,
I'm not interested.
You'll regret this.
Oh, my God.
Bob's Burgers is on!
This show speaks
to us young people, apparently.
That show... and-and I mean
no disrespect when I say this...
But that show looks like
it was animated in a moving car.
And again, no disrespect,
wonderful people over there.
But... oh, my God, President
Trump is assaulting Meg,
I can't believe what
I just saw, Mr. President!
What would your third wife,
the soft-core girl-on-girl
porn lady, think about this?
Or the actual porn star
your lawyer paid hush money to?
I'm so sorry we didn't
believe you earlier, sweetie.
Yeah, where do you get off
behaving like this?
- Why shouldn't I? You do.
- What?
When you walked through that
door, you insulted Bob's Burgers
and the hundreds of people
who work there.
Well, I was just kidding around.
No, you weren't. You're just jealous
'cause it wins all the Emmys
and the kids love it.
You seem to know a lot
about Bob's Burgers.
Of course I do.
Bob's Burgers
is my favorite animated show.
Wow. There's your headline, Emmy voters.
Vote your conscience.
Anyway, my point is,
if Peter Griffin gets to be
a jerk all the time,
then why can't Donald Trump?
Huh.
That is not the...
dumbest thing you've ever said.
So are we square?
No.
No, President Trump, we are not!
I quit!
- What?
- That's right.
And you know what else?
My days of being mean
and insulting are over!
From here on out,
I'm gonna be the nice,
kind Peter Griffin.
You can't walk out on me.
I'm the president.
Well, you're not a very good one.
Like that guy.
Or-or that one.
Or that one.
Hey, which one is that, anyway?
I'm Grover Cleveland,
the only president to be married
in the White House.
Oh, what a nice story.
It's a great story. I married a girl
who I'd raised since
the time she was 11 years old.
Oh.
Well, that guy's not getting a musical.
We now return
to Pirates of the Caribbean,
where the sound guy
put the microphone too close
to Johnny Depp's jangling bracelets.
Hold it right there, Sparrow.
This is the day you will always remember
as the day you almost caught
Captain Jack Sparrow.
- What?!
- I said...
I've spent $65 million
on vacation homes and daytime wine.
All right, turn off
that cheap celebrity slam.
The Griffins are gonna be
better than that now.
- What?
- You heard me.
We are done being mean and insulting,
like Donald Trump is. From now on,
this family's
gonna be nice and supportive.
Oh. So if we're being nice now,
maybe you have nice things
to say to me, Dad.
Uh... of course I do.
Your hair is, um...
very... hat.
You're a... hat owner.
You're also hatted.
Why does he keep coming back to the hat?
Peter, stop. Your nipples are bleeding.
All right, fine, I'm not a nice person.
I'm sick of complimenting your hat!
I knew that fat man
couldn't keep this up.
He always buckles under pressure.
Yeah, you're right.
Like at that Billy Joel concert.
Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da
Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da
Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da
Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da
Uptown girl!
Trump!
Who are you? I have dementia.
Peter Griffin.
Look, you were right.
I can be insulting sometimes,
I admit it.
But so what? I'm just a guy
from Rhode Island.
You' the President of the United States!
You're not just a guy from Rhode Island.
You're Peter Griffin from Family Guy.
Many children have learned
their favorite Jewish, black
and gay jokes by watching
your show over the years.
In fairness, we've been trying
to phase out the gay stuff.
But you know what? We're a cartoon.
You can turn us off.
You're the president.
We can't turn you off.
And you're on, like, all the time!
Yes, tremendous ratings.
Our Leslie Nielsen ratings
are the highest in history.
Surely you can't be serious.
I am serious. And don't call me Leslie.
Argh... You really do find a way
to screw everything up.
If I screwed up so bad,
how come I'm a billionaire?
Billionaire? Please.
You're worth $700 mil on the high side.
And most of that is borrowed
or tied up and underwater.
That's why you ain't
releasin' your taxes, Trump.
You're cash poor!
Say that again.
I dare you.
You...
are cash...
poor.
Peter! Catch!
Kill him in front of me, and I sex you.
Yah!
Yah!
Aah!
Yah!
Sarah, any update?
I haven't had the chance
to ask the president
if he is fighting with Peter Griffin.
Oh!
- Yah!
- Yah!
I wrote that one.
Why are we so damn divided, America?
...making Neil Armstrong
the first man to walk on the Moon.
Who knows,
maybe someone listening to this
might be the first chicken
to walk on the Moon.
I got a sillier plane.
Peter!
Grab my hand!
I can't! It's too little!
Wha...? Who... who put this here?
I did. Sure hope that's okay.
Justin Trudeau?
The hunky prime minister of Canada?
He's not that hunky.
Very weak borders.
I was just kayakin' past,
and it looked like
you guys could use some help.
- Everything okay?
- No, yeah, we're good.
He touched my daughter,
but I punched him,
like, a hundred times,
so we're fine now.
I punched you, like, a million times.
I punched you infinity times.
I punched you infinity plus one times.
- Damn it!
- Right on!
Well, then, I'll just go do
some awesome Canada stuff.
Hey, call me if you
ever need help movin'.
Trudeau, away...!
That guy's the best.
You know who's really the best?
Putin. Putin's the best.
Yes, he is. Putin is the best.
Ha! I write this part.
Am I not to be a stinker?
Bye-bye, American
situation comedy with drawings.
I'm glad we're back in Quahog.
And just in time to see
my appearance on Jeopardy!
- Peter?
- What is...
it like to have an erection?
I'm sorry, we were looking for
"the electromagnetic spectrum."
Betty, still your board.
I was not included in the final round.
I'll tell you one thing, I'm
not gonna miss Washington, D.C.
Well, we had a lot of fun this
week and changed zero minds.
If you want to learn more
about our president,
consult the steele dossier,
which is all about getting peed on.
He also, with whole heart
and full throat,
endorsed a pedophile
for the United States Senate.
That didn't fit
into tonight's narrative,
but should not be forgotten.
And I am a proud hat owner.
Shut up, Meg.
From our family to yours,
we're very frightened.