Family Guy (1998–…): Season 17, Episode 8 - Con Heiress - full transcript
♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
♪ All the things that make us
♪ Laugh and cry
♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
Why do you still read the newspaper?
Nobody does that anymore.
I like to keep up on local news.
Like the police blotter.
Huh, most of these arrests
are Cleveland.
And the arresting officer
is Joe Swanson.
JOE: Can I help you, sir?
CLEVELAND: I'm doing my mail route, Joe.
JOE: Maybe you'd be more comfortable
talking about it down at the station.
You're right.
It is more comfortable here.
ANNOUNCER: The police station:
come for the racial profiling,
stay for the comfort.
Is that... is that you?
Oh. Yeah. A friend invited me
to this charity ball.
A friend? She's 100!
What are you up to?
Nothing. I enjoy her company.
Older women are cultured, worldly.
I've got nothing to be defensive about.
Her husband passed away.
She appreciates my friendship.
I'm providing companionship.
Dogs are known for that.
I don't like it.
(GRUNTS)
Peter, I need you to mow the lawn.
It's out of control.
I can't mow the lawn, Lois.
The Friends of Distinction
are out there,
grazing in the grass.
♪
♪ It sure is mellow
grazing in the grass ♪
♪ Grazing in the grass is a gas,
baby, can you dig it? ♪
♪ Everything here is so clear,
you can see it ♪
♪ And everything here is
so real, you can feel it ♪
(WHOOPING)
♪ I can dig it, he can dig it,
she can dig it, we can dig it ♪
♪ They can dig it, you can
dig it, oh, let's dig it ♪
♪ Can you dig it, baby?
Oh, let me get in on that!
(SINGING STOPS)
Where'd they go?
(KNOCKING)
DONNA: Cleveland? You okay in there?
Cleveland!
Wha-Wha-What? What?
Oh. Yeah, yeah. I'm fine.
Mmm, that was a good toilet dream
about my neighbor and his lawn.
Peter, I don't care who's grazing.
The lawn looks terrible.
Get out there and mow it.
Why can't Chris mow it? He's old enough.
Look, I'm all for Chris mowing the lawn,
but you got to teach him.
Fine, I'll do it tomorrow.
After my weekend job as a zookeeper
with very muscular thighs.
"Thigh" there, nice to see you all.
As you can see right here and here,
I am qualified to be a zookeeper.
This is my friend Frederick.
And I am sure you're all
wondering how much I can squat.
For that answer, you'll have
to go to my Instagram,
YourThighness99.
Now, I'd like to open up
the floor for questions.
- Yes, what food does the bird...
- Not about the bird!
Now, who wants to see me jump
over this fence
from a standing start?
Let me scooch these shorts up
a little "thigher."
Look out, elephants!
- (THUDS)
- (ELEPHANTS TRUMPETING)
So, everybody happy
they went to the zoo?
(CHUCKLES) No?
Well, that's the zoo.
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
Is that a diamond-encrusted watch fob?
This? Oh, yeah, I-I've had this.
Nobody's owned one of those
for 80 years!
What are you up to?
You already did this.
I'm not trying to show skepticism.
My head is too heavy!
I heard the doctor whisper
to Lois, "3,000th percentile."
Okay, Chris, now, if you're
gonna learn how to mow a lawn,
the first lesson is that
you always start by 7:00 a.m.,
before everyone wakes up,
including roosters.
(ENGINE SPUTTERING)
What the...?
Hey, shut up!
PETER: You shut up!
Oh, real original.
Now, to start the mower,
you grab this pull cord like so
and give it a nice hard yank.
(ENGINE SPUTTERING)
Can I change my grip?
(ENGINE SPUTTERS, STARTS)
Wow, much better.
It's a more familiar motion.
For the rest, you can just watch
this how-to video on YouTube.
What's going on, guys? I'm Corey,
here to take your lawn mowing
skills to the next lev.
But, first, make sure
you subscribe to my channel,
Corey's World.
Okay, now let's start that mower.
Did you know
Corey got recruited by ISIS?
He disappeared, and now there's
this guy doing ISIS videos
- and they think it's Corey.
- (BEEPS)
Assalamu alaikum, guys!
This is Corey, here to talk
about making a dirty bomb
with stuff you can find in your kitchen.
Great Caesar's ghost!
Chris and a chubby little friend?
It's like in my dream!
Hey there, Chris.
You know, I've been looking
for a muscley-armed young fella
to mow my lawn.
Sorry, Mr. Herbert,
but I don't even want to mow this lawn.
You could bring your friend
over there to help you.
Come on, Herbert. Rope this calf.
Would $600 a week change your mind?
Uh, would it? (CHUCKLES) You got a deal!
And I can pay you under the table.
I like to make a little fort
under there.
I call it Fort Dix.
Did you hear that, Dad?
He'll pay us $600!
Uh, yeah, did-did you not hear
about Fort Dix?
(PLAYING CLASSICAL MUSIC)
Oh, Admiral, you've been so good
to me these past weeks,
with my husband gone
and me alone to tend
to his massive estate.
You know, helping you
might have been difficult
were you not so utterly charming.
(CHUCKLING): Oh...
Plus, helping you helps me forget
my own country's troubles
and my struggle to save
our national flower,
the Masdevallia orchid.
(GASPS) That's my favorite flower.
And pet charity.
(GASPS) Really?
I've devoted my life
to raising money to save it.
What a coincidence.
You and the count.
- The count?
- Yes, of Monte Hall.
We like to October in Zurich.
Ah, yes, the best place to October.
The secret, however,
is to October in Zurich
but in September, to avoid
the obnoxious Octobering crowds,
saving October for Paris...
Novembering there...
Then Decembering in Palm Beach
in November
and, in December, Januarying, of course,
as always, in Gstaad.
We December in London.
You, madame, are a cream-faced loon.
Count, I don't believe
you've met the admiral.
Well, he may be an admiral,
but he's certainly not admirable.
Panty drop.
Swoon.
Commercial.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
So, Admiral, you must have had
quite the military career.
Your honors are impressive.
Is that medal
a stretched-out carnival penny?
Thank you for noticing, Count.
It means a lot from a man whose top hat
looks suspiciously like an Amazon Echo
with a cardboard brim.
Why, wha-wha-what a preposterous notion!
- Alexa?
- No, don't say that!
(BEEPS)
- (BEEPS)
- What the hell are you doing here?
This is my scam. Now butt out.
Now, why would I do that, Brian?
These old bags are going to die.
Someone's going to end up
with their money.
(SIGHS) Look, all right,
there's no reason
to sabotage each other.
There's plenty of Newport
heiresses for the both of us.
Maybe we could even help each other.
Exactly.
Two con men like us working together?
We'll be set.
Like a passive-aggressive alarm clock.
CLOCK: Uh, I don't know
if you've noticed,
but the sun's been up
for, like, an hour.
No, no, no, no,
you don't have to get up.
Let your wife do everything.
Just keep sleeping.
You're a good husband.
I'm sure she doesn't fantasize
about your contractor,
who's already downstairs working on...
Well, I can't really figure out
what he's working on.
OH, I KNOW: your wife.
Hey there, Chris!
And what's your pal's name??
I'm Peter, sir.!
You're big for your age,
ain't ya, Petey?
Yeah. Doctor says I eat too much candy.
Ain't no shame in being chubby.
You're a growing boy.
Why, what's this?
(GASPS) Wow! How'd you do that?
It wasn't a trick.
It was stuck to your neck.
Oh, yeah. Sometimes
I fall asleep on candy.
There she is.
The wealthiest heiress
in all of Newport.
- The Holy Grail for guys like us.
- Who is she?
That's Margaret Woolworth
Carrington Von Schumacher
Chanel Astor Livingston
Compte de Saint-Exupery
Mountbatten Windsor Armani Roosevelt
Von Trapp Wykenham Hearst
Montgomery Rothchild Johnson & Johnson
Twillsworth Dolce Gabbana Von Zweiger
Second Montgomery De LaRoche
Geico Vanderbilt
Lannister Van Buren Butterworth
How I Met Your Mother
Wrigley Louise-Dreyfuss
Ludwig Morgan Stanley
Dumont Lamborghini
Forbes Higbee Winthrop
Chanel Remi Martin Fitzwilliam Kennedy
Motel Six Fairchild
Brook Pritzker Davenport
Von Stolen Monty Python
Ellisworth Aston Martin
Haverbrook Ziff Lauder Hilton DuPont
Kincaid Winslow Coors Oviatt Marlborough
Pembroke Huffington Bush Mellon Sinclair
Mellencamp Starbucks Van Dyke
Third Montgomery
Marriott Barrington Chadsworth
Big League Chew
Chesterfield Kensington Booth Bishop
Longbottom Nottingham
Meisterburger Burgermeister
Tudor Hapsburg Rockefeller Onassis.
(GASPS) My God.
You mean the heir
to the Woolworth Carrington
Von Schumacher Chanel Astor Livingston
Compte de Saint-Exupery
Mountbatten Windsor
Armani Roosevelt
Von Trapp Wykenham Hearst
Montgomery Rothchild Johnson & Johnson
Twillsworth Dolce Gabbana Von Zweiger
Second Montgomery De LaRoche
Geico Vanderbilt
Lannister Van Buren Butterworth
How I Met Your Mother
Wrigley Louise-Dreyfuss
Ludwig Morgan Stanley
Dumont Lamborghini
Forbes Higbee Winthrop
Chanel Remi Martin Fitzwilliam Kennedy
Motel Six Fairchild
Brook Pritzker Davenport
Von Stolen Monty Python
Ellisworth Aston Martin
Haverbrook Ziff Lauder Hilton DuPont
Kincaid Winslow Coors Oviatt Marlborough
Pembroke Huffington Bush Mellon Sinclair
Mellencamp Starbucks Van Dyke
Third Montgomery
Marriott Barrington Chadsworth
Big League Chew
Chesterfield Kensington Booth Bishop
Longbottom Nottingham
Meisterburger Burgermeister
Tudor Hapsburg
Rockefeller Onassis fortune?
Exactly.
She goes by "Pip."
- Pip?
- Pip.
Been trying to schmooze her for months.
The only catch is
her 95-year-old husband
is still hanging on by a thread.
I can't make a move until he dies,
which, hopefully, is any day now.
If we can charm her,
we'll be set for life.
No more scraping and scavenging,
like a laughing hyena.
(LAUGHS) I don't sound desperate,
but I'm very desperate.
(LAUGHS)
I'm not a very capable predator.
(LAUGHS) My family's back
at the den waiting for me.
(LAUGHS) I think this
is the day I starve to death.
(LAUGHS) Just kidding, I have no family.
(LAUGHS) But I'm a very involved uncle.
(LAUGHS)
(ENGINE SPUTTERING)
Dad, shouldn't we attach a bag
to the mower?
That's too much work.
Just mow with the blower
always pointed toward Joe's lawn.
Hey, will you put a bag on that thing?
BONNIE: Just poop into your hand
if you have to.
I'll be down in a minute.
Hey, boys. I've got some cookies
and special grape juice for you.
Come on and get it, Petey.
Sweet.
But, Mr. Herbert,
you always made the cookies
with the large pill
in the center for me.
Sorry, Chris. He just got to them first.
I thought I was your favorite.
("TORN BETWEEN TWO LOVERS" PLAYING)
♪ You mustn't think you've failed me ♪
♪ Just because there's someone else ♪
♪ You were the first real love ♪
♪ I ever had ♪
♪ And all the things I ever said ♪
♪ I swear they still are true ♪
♪ For no one else ♪
♪ Can have the part of me ♪
♪ I gave to you ♪
♪ Torn between two lovers ♪
♪ Feeling like a fool ♪
♪ Loving both of you ♪
♪ Is breaking all the rules ♪
♪ Torn between two lovers ♪
♪ Feeling like a fool ♪
♪ Loving you both
is breaking all the rules. ♪
All right, now let's kick it up a notch.
♪ Come on, shake your body,
baby, do that conga ♪
♪ You know you can't
control yourself any longer. ♪
(GRUNTING EXCITEDLY)
There she is.
We just got to wait
for our chance to move in.
Brian, look.
(COUGHING)
You think this might be... the end?
I don't know, but now's our chance.
(SIGHS)
I hate myself for doing this.
Is that a Cats Protective League
pin on your lapel?
- Why, yes.
- (GASPS)
It's my favorite charity.
I love cats.
I've devoted my life to helping them.
I like this party.
Pussies.
- Cock.
- Cock.
I'm sorry, gentlemen,
but my husband is feeling ill
and stepped into the men's locker room.
Would you be so kind as to check on him?
Well, I'm not sure if we'll be able
to find him.
Don't worry. I've got a very thick,
yellow toenail finder app on my phone.
(BEEPS)
SENSOR: Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew.
Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew.
Ew!
STEWIE: Got him.
Do you think he's dead?
QUAGMIRE: Get the hell out
of my face, Brian.
Wha... Quagmire?
No. Quagmire!
- That's what I said.
- Oh. Oh, sorry.
I didn't, I didn't hear you
'cause of the prosthetics.
Hey, just checking to see
if the old man is dead.
Oh, hey, guys.
Geez, how many of us are doing this con?
I've got no chance, have I?
A tertiary character like me.
You most certainly do not.
I don't even think
we're going to give you
the dance you rehearsed.
(ORCHESTRA SWELLS)
- You're Margaret's husband?
- That's right.
Listen, rookie,
you're out of your league.
You think you know how to bang
a woman who's seen a dodo bird?
Wait, but how can you be married?
You don't even live together.
She's old. She says,
"You weren't here yesterday."
I say, "Yes, I was." And that's it.
Well, you've clearly invested
a lot of time into this.
And yet two fellows like us
with loose lips
could cause it all to fall apart.
- Who's this trombone?
- I'm the guy
who enjoyed like hell
shopping for this little ruse.
(SIGHS) Look, there's plenty
of money to go around,
and I don't know how much more
of this I can take,
so I'll make a deal with you guys.
If you can help me "wrap this up,"
if you know what I mean...
Take her skydiving,
something that might, you know,
overwhelm her elderly heart...
I'll split the estate with you two.
But unless you're prepared
to kill her, get the hell out.
All right, I got to run.
It's her birthday.
♪ Happy birthday ♪
♪ Dear Margaret Woolworth
Carrington Von Schumacher ♪
♪ Chanel Astor Livingston
Compte de Saint-Exupery... ♪
I'm, uh, just gonna hang here
for a minute.
♪ Von Trapp Wykenham Hearst
♪ Montgomery Rothchild
Johnson & Johnson ♪
♪ Twillsworth Dolce Gabbana
Von Zweiger ♪
♪ Second Montgomery De LaRoche
Geico Vanderbilt ♪
♪ Lannister Van Buren Butterworth ♪
♪ How I Met Your Mother ♪
♪ Wrigley Louise-Dreyfuss
Ludwig Morgan Stanley ♪
♪ Dumont Lamborghini
Forbes Higbee Winthrop ♪
♪ Chanel Remi Martin
Fitzwilliam Kennedy ♪
♪ Motel Six Fairchild
Brook Pritzker Davenport ♪
♪ Von Stolen Monty Python
Ellisworth Aston Martin ♪
♪ Haverbrook Ziff Lauder Hilton DuPont ♪
♪ Kincaid Winslow Coors
Oviatt Marlborough ♪
♪ Pembroke Huffington
Bush Mellon Sinclair ♪
♪ Mellencamp Starbucks Van Dyke
Third Montgomery ♪
♪ Marriott Barrington Chadsworth
Big League Chew ♪
♪ Chesterfield Kensington Booth Bishop ♪
♪ Longbottom Nottingham
Meisterburger Burgermeister ♪
♪ Tudor Hapsburg
Rockefeller Onassis... ♪
That's a...
that's a freshly oiled hinge.
(HERBERT AND PETER LAUGHING)
Petey, let's play horsey.
(PETER GIGGLING)
That's it!
It's time you do all the work
and I goof off with Mr. Herbert.
Like hell it is.
(PETER AND CHRIS GRUNTING)
Jesse, is this really happening?
You're going down, old man.
I ain't the one going down.
You're going down.
No way. I'm gonna pound your ass!
You're seeming kind of cocky,.
Boo, cocky!
Oh!
(BOTH GRUNTING)
Why are you being such a jerk, Dad?
D-D-D-D-D-Dad?
Yeah, this is my dad.
(MOANS)
Well, he often said he wanted
to explode all over me.
He finally did.
Sorry I got jealous, Dad.
That's all right, Chris.
Hey, did you get a little
aroused when we were wrestling?
- No.
- Me, neither.
I am Herbert!
(ICE CREAM TRUCK MUSIC PLAYING)
- (KIDS LAUGHING)
- I am Herbert.
I am Herbert. I am Herbert.
Good Quahog, evening.
Uh, let's, uh, let's do that again.
Good evening, Hog-quo,
I'm Tucker Tom. Nope.
Good aftereveningnoon,
HogTom, Quo I'merTuck.
Quo Goodningnoon, TomerTuck,
I'm ningningafterevenQuo, Noonhog.
OUR TOP STORY:
Newport's wealthiest heiress,
Margaret Woolworth...
Holy God, I'm not reading all that...
Was found dead in her home
of an apparent heart attack.
- Did you...?
- No. Did you?
No. You think Quagmire did?
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
You, uh... you guys actually did it.
And made it look like a heart attack.
Wow. I, uh...
I didn't think you had it in you.
I... I guess you thought wrong.
Listen, I-I know there's been
some bad blood between us,
but I-I promise, it won't happen again.
I hope you can forgive me.
Well... just watch your step.
Well, a deal's a deal,
so here's your share of the estate.
Just sign here.
- We're rich!
- We're rich!
(BOTH LAUGH)
We're rich, Stewie.
And no flip joke can take that away.
Gentlemen,
due to a disastrous investment
in a Mindy Project amusement park,
Miss Woolworth etcetera, etcetera,
died owing $18 million,
for which you are now liable.
We owe money?
Look, Stewie, it-it could be worse.
We could be dead, like Margaret.
You're right. Poor thing.
I guess she just died of natural causes.
What a couple of rubes.
I'm finally out
from under that crushing debt.
I suppose I don't need this anymore.
Yes, that's right. It was a Meg story.
("CONGA")
♪ Come on, shake your body,
baby, do the conga ♪
♪ I know you can't control
yourself any longer ♪
♪ Feel the rhythm of the music
getting stronger ♪
♪ Don't you fight it
till you've tried it ♪
♪ Do the conga beat
♪ Everybody, gather 'round now
♪ Let your body feel the heat... ♪
♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
♪ All the things that make us
♪ Laugh and cry
♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
Why do you still read the newspaper?
Nobody does that anymore.
I like to keep up on local news.
Like the police blotter.
Huh, most of these arrests
are Cleveland.
And the arresting officer
is Joe Swanson.
JOE: Can I help you, sir?
CLEVELAND: I'm doing my mail route, Joe.
JOE: Maybe you'd be more comfortable
talking about it down at the station.
You're right.
It is more comfortable here.
ANNOUNCER: The police station:
come for the racial profiling,
stay for the comfort.
Is that... is that you?
Oh. Yeah. A friend invited me
to this charity ball.
A friend? She's 100!
What are you up to?
Nothing. I enjoy her company.
Older women are cultured, worldly.
I've got nothing to be defensive about.
Her husband passed away.
She appreciates my friendship.
I'm providing companionship.
Dogs are known for that.
I don't like it.
(GRUNTS)
Peter, I need you to mow the lawn.
It's out of control.
I can't mow the lawn, Lois.
The Friends of Distinction
are out there,
grazing in the grass.
♪
♪ It sure is mellow
grazing in the grass ♪
♪ Grazing in the grass is a gas,
baby, can you dig it? ♪
♪ Everything here is so clear,
you can see it ♪
♪ And everything here is
so real, you can feel it ♪
(WHOOPING)
♪ I can dig it, he can dig it,
she can dig it, we can dig it ♪
♪ They can dig it, you can
dig it, oh, let's dig it ♪
♪ Can you dig it, baby?
Oh, let me get in on that!
(SINGING STOPS)
Where'd they go?
(KNOCKING)
DONNA: Cleveland? You okay in there?
Cleveland!
Wha-Wha-What? What?
Oh. Yeah, yeah. I'm fine.
Mmm, that was a good toilet dream
about my neighbor and his lawn.
Peter, I don't care who's grazing.
The lawn looks terrible.
Get out there and mow it.
Why can't Chris mow it? He's old enough.
Look, I'm all for Chris mowing the lawn,
but you got to teach him.
Fine, I'll do it tomorrow.
After my weekend job as a zookeeper
with very muscular thighs.
"Thigh" there, nice to see you all.
As you can see right here and here,
I am qualified to be a zookeeper.
This is my friend Frederick.
And I am sure you're all
wondering how much I can squat.
For that answer, you'll have
to go to my Instagram,
YourThighness99.
Now, I'd like to open up
the floor for questions.
- Yes, what food does the bird...
- Not about the bird!
Now, who wants to see me jump
over this fence
from a standing start?
Let me scooch these shorts up
a little "thigher."
Look out, elephants!
- (THUDS)
- (ELEPHANTS TRUMPETING)
So, everybody happy
they went to the zoo?
(CHUCKLES) No?
Well, that's the zoo.
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
Is that a diamond-encrusted watch fob?
This? Oh, yeah, I-I've had this.
Nobody's owned one of those
for 80 years!
What are you up to?
You already did this.
I'm not trying to show skepticism.
My head is too heavy!
I heard the doctor whisper
to Lois, "3,000th percentile."
Okay, Chris, now, if you're
gonna learn how to mow a lawn,
the first lesson is that
you always start by 7:00 a.m.,
before everyone wakes up,
including roosters.
(ENGINE SPUTTERING)
What the...?
Hey, shut up!
PETER: You shut up!
Oh, real original.
Now, to start the mower,
you grab this pull cord like so
and give it a nice hard yank.
(ENGINE SPUTTERING)
Can I change my grip?
(ENGINE SPUTTERS, STARTS)
Wow, much better.
It's a more familiar motion.
For the rest, you can just watch
this how-to video on YouTube.
What's going on, guys? I'm Corey,
here to take your lawn mowing
skills to the next lev.
But, first, make sure
you subscribe to my channel,
Corey's World.
Okay, now let's start that mower.
Did you know
Corey got recruited by ISIS?
He disappeared, and now there's
this guy doing ISIS videos
- and they think it's Corey.
- (BEEPS)
Assalamu alaikum, guys!
This is Corey, here to talk
about making a dirty bomb
with stuff you can find in your kitchen.
Great Caesar's ghost!
Chris and a chubby little friend?
It's like in my dream!
Hey there, Chris.
You know, I've been looking
for a muscley-armed young fella
to mow my lawn.
Sorry, Mr. Herbert,
but I don't even want to mow this lawn.
You could bring your friend
over there to help you.
Come on, Herbert. Rope this calf.
Would $600 a week change your mind?
Uh, would it? (CHUCKLES) You got a deal!
And I can pay you under the table.
I like to make a little fort
under there.
I call it Fort Dix.
Did you hear that, Dad?
He'll pay us $600!
Uh, yeah, did-did you not hear
about Fort Dix?
(PLAYING CLASSICAL MUSIC)
Oh, Admiral, you've been so good
to me these past weeks,
with my husband gone
and me alone to tend
to his massive estate.
You know, helping you
might have been difficult
were you not so utterly charming.
(CHUCKLING): Oh...
Plus, helping you helps me forget
my own country's troubles
and my struggle to save
our national flower,
the Masdevallia orchid.
(GASPS) That's my favorite flower.
And pet charity.
(GASPS) Really?
I've devoted my life
to raising money to save it.
What a coincidence.
You and the count.
- The count?
- Yes, of Monte Hall.
We like to October in Zurich.
Ah, yes, the best place to October.
The secret, however,
is to October in Zurich
but in September, to avoid
the obnoxious Octobering crowds,
saving October for Paris...
Novembering there...
Then Decembering in Palm Beach
in November
and, in December, Januarying, of course,
as always, in Gstaad.
We December in London.
You, madame, are a cream-faced loon.
Count, I don't believe
you've met the admiral.
Well, he may be an admiral,
but he's certainly not admirable.
Panty drop.
Swoon.
Commercial.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
So, Admiral, you must have had
quite the military career.
Your honors are impressive.
Is that medal
a stretched-out carnival penny?
Thank you for noticing, Count.
It means a lot from a man whose top hat
looks suspiciously like an Amazon Echo
with a cardboard brim.
Why, wha-wha-what a preposterous notion!
- Alexa?
- No, don't say that!
(BEEPS)
- (BEEPS)
- What the hell are you doing here?
This is my scam. Now butt out.
Now, why would I do that, Brian?
These old bags are going to die.
Someone's going to end up
with their money.
(SIGHS) Look, all right,
there's no reason
to sabotage each other.
There's plenty of Newport
heiresses for the both of us.
Maybe we could even help each other.
Exactly.
Two con men like us working together?
We'll be set.
Like a passive-aggressive alarm clock.
CLOCK: Uh, I don't know
if you've noticed,
but the sun's been up
for, like, an hour.
No, no, no, no,
you don't have to get up.
Let your wife do everything.
Just keep sleeping.
You're a good husband.
I'm sure she doesn't fantasize
about your contractor,
who's already downstairs working on...
Well, I can't really figure out
what he's working on.
OH, I KNOW: your wife.
Hey there, Chris!
And what's your pal's name??
I'm Peter, sir.!
You're big for your age,
ain't ya, Petey?
Yeah. Doctor says I eat too much candy.
Ain't no shame in being chubby.
You're a growing boy.
Why, what's this?
(GASPS) Wow! How'd you do that?
It wasn't a trick.
It was stuck to your neck.
Oh, yeah. Sometimes
I fall asleep on candy.
There she is.
The wealthiest heiress
in all of Newport.
- The Holy Grail for guys like us.
- Who is she?
That's Margaret Woolworth
Carrington Von Schumacher
Chanel Astor Livingston
Compte de Saint-Exupery
Mountbatten Windsor Armani Roosevelt
Von Trapp Wykenham Hearst
Montgomery Rothchild Johnson & Johnson
Twillsworth Dolce Gabbana Von Zweiger
Second Montgomery De LaRoche
Geico Vanderbilt
Lannister Van Buren Butterworth
How I Met Your Mother
Wrigley Louise-Dreyfuss
Ludwig Morgan Stanley
Dumont Lamborghini
Forbes Higbee Winthrop
Chanel Remi Martin Fitzwilliam Kennedy
Motel Six Fairchild
Brook Pritzker Davenport
Von Stolen Monty Python
Ellisworth Aston Martin
Haverbrook Ziff Lauder Hilton DuPont
Kincaid Winslow Coors Oviatt Marlborough
Pembroke Huffington Bush Mellon Sinclair
Mellencamp Starbucks Van Dyke
Third Montgomery
Marriott Barrington Chadsworth
Big League Chew
Chesterfield Kensington Booth Bishop
Longbottom Nottingham
Meisterburger Burgermeister
Tudor Hapsburg Rockefeller Onassis.
(GASPS) My God.
You mean the heir
to the Woolworth Carrington
Von Schumacher Chanel Astor Livingston
Compte de Saint-Exupery
Mountbatten Windsor
Armani Roosevelt
Von Trapp Wykenham Hearst
Montgomery Rothchild Johnson & Johnson
Twillsworth Dolce Gabbana Von Zweiger
Second Montgomery De LaRoche
Geico Vanderbilt
Lannister Van Buren Butterworth
How I Met Your Mother
Wrigley Louise-Dreyfuss
Ludwig Morgan Stanley
Dumont Lamborghini
Forbes Higbee Winthrop
Chanel Remi Martin Fitzwilliam Kennedy
Motel Six Fairchild
Brook Pritzker Davenport
Von Stolen Monty Python
Ellisworth Aston Martin
Haverbrook Ziff Lauder Hilton DuPont
Kincaid Winslow Coors Oviatt Marlborough
Pembroke Huffington Bush Mellon Sinclair
Mellencamp Starbucks Van Dyke
Third Montgomery
Marriott Barrington Chadsworth
Big League Chew
Chesterfield Kensington Booth Bishop
Longbottom Nottingham
Meisterburger Burgermeister
Tudor Hapsburg
Rockefeller Onassis fortune?
Exactly.
She goes by "Pip."
- Pip?
- Pip.
Been trying to schmooze her for months.
The only catch is
her 95-year-old husband
is still hanging on by a thread.
I can't make a move until he dies,
which, hopefully, is any day now.
If we can charm her,
we'll be set for life.
No more scraping and scavenging,
like a laughing hyena.
(LAUGHS) I don't sound desperate,
but I'm very desperate.
(LAUGHS)
I'm not a very capable predator.
(LAUGHS) My family's back
at the den waiting for me.
(LAUGHS) I think this
is the day I starve to death.
(LAUGHS) Just kidding, I have no family.
(LAUGHS) But I'm a very involved uncle.
(LAUGHS)
(ENGINE SPUTTERING)
Dad, shouldn't we attach a bag
to the mower?
That's too much work.
Just mow with the blower
always pointed toward Joe's lawn.
Hey, will you put a bag on that thing?
BONNIE: Just poop into your hand
if you have to.
I'll be down in a minute.
Hey, boys. I've got some cookies
and special grape juice for you.
Come on and get it, Petey.
Sweet.
But, Mr. Herbert,
you always made the cookies
with the large pill
in the center for me.
Sorry, Chris. He just got to them first.
I thought I was your favorite.
("TORN BETWEEN TWO LOVERS" PLAYING)
♪ You mustn't think you've failed me ♪
♪ Just because there's someone else ♪
♪ You were the first real love ♪
♪ I ever had ♪
♪ And all the things I ever said ♪
♪ I swear they still are true ♪
♪ For no one else ♪
♪ Can have the part of me ♪
♪ I gave to you ♪
♪ Torn between two lovers ♪
♪ Feeling like a fool ♪
♪ Loving both of you ♪
♪ Is breaking all the rules ♪
♪ Torn between two lovers ♪
♪ Feeling like a fool ♪
♪ Loving you both
is breaking all the rules. ♪
All right, now let's kick it up a notch.
♪ Come on, shake your body,
baby, do that conga ♪
♪ You know you can't
control yourself any longer. ♪
(GRUNTING EXCITEDLY)
There she is.
We just got to wait
for our chance to move in.
Brian, look.
(COUGHING)
You think this might be... the end?
I don't know, but now's our chance.
(SIGHS)
I hate myself for doing this.
Is that a Cats Protective League
pin on your lapel?
- Why, yes.
- (GASPS)
It's my favorite charity.
I love cats.
I've devoted my life to helping them.
I like this party.
Pussies.
- Cock.
- Cock.
I'm sorry, gentlemen,
but my husband is feeling ill
and stepped into the men's locker room.
Would you be so kind as to check on him?
Well, I'm not sure if we'll be able
to find him.
Don't worry. I've got a very thick,
yellow toenail finder app on my phone.
(BEEPS)
SENSOR: Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew.
Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew.
Ew!
STEWIE: Got him.
Do you think he's dead?
QUAGMIRE: Get the hell out
of my face, Brian.
Wha... Quagmire?
No. Quagmire!
- That's what I said.
- Oh. Oh, sorry.
I didn't, I didn't hear you
'cause of the prosthetics.
Hey, just checking to see
if the old man is dead.
Oh, hey, guys.
Geez, how many of us are doing this con?
I've got no chance, have I?
A tertiary character like me.
You most certainly do not.
I don't even think
we're going to give you
the dance you rehearsed.
(ORCHESTRA SWELLS)
- You're Margaret's husband?
- That's right.
Listen, rookie,
you're out of your league.
You think you know how to bang
a woman who's seen a dodo bird?
Wait, but how can you be married?
You don't even live together.
She's old. She says,
"You weren't here yesterday."
I say, "Yes, I was." And that's it.
Well, you've clearly invested
a lot of time into this.
And yet two fellows like us
with loose lips
could cause it all to fall apart.
- Who's this trombone?
- I'm the guy
who enjoyed like hell
shopping for this little ruse.
(SIGHS) Look, there's plenty
of money to go around,
and I don't know how much more
of this I can take,
so I'll make a deal with you guys.
If you can help me "wrap this up,"
if you know what I mean...
Take her skydiving,
something that might, you know,
overwhelm her elderly heart...
I'll split the estate with you two.
But unless you're prepared
to kill her, get the hell out.
All right, I got to run.
It's her birthday.
♪ Happy birthday ♪
♪ Dear Margaret Woolworth
Carrington Von Schumacher ♪
♪ Chanel Astor Livingston
Compte de Saint-Exupery... ♪
I'm, uh, just gonna hang here
for a minute.
♪ Von Trapp Wykenham Hearst
♪ Montgomery Rothchild
Johnson & Johnson ♪
♪ Twillsworth Dolce Gabbana
Von Zweiger ♪
♪ Second Montgomery De LaRoche
Geico Vanderbilt ♪
♪ Lannister Van Buren Butterworth ♪
♪ How I Met Your Mother ♪
♪ Wrigley Louise-Dreyfuss
Ludwig Morgan Stanley ♪
♪ Dumont Lamborghini
Forbes Higbee Winthrop ♪
♪ Chanel Remi Martin
Fitzwilliam Kennedy ♪
♪ Motel Six Fairchild
Brook Pritzker Davenport ♪
♪ Von Stolen Monty Python
Ellisworth Aston Martin ♪
♪ Haverbrook Ziff Lauder Hilton DuPont ♪
♪ Kincaid Winslow Coors
Oviatt Marlborough ♪
♪ Pembroke Huffington
Bush Mellon Sinclair ♪
♪ Mellencamp Starbucks Van Dyke
Third Montgomery ♪
♪ Marriott Barrington Chadsworth
Big League Chew ♪
♪ Chesterfield Kensington Booth Bishop ♪
♪ Longbottom Nottingham
Meisterburger Burgermeister ♪
♪ Tudor Hapsburg
Rockefeller Onassis... ♪
That's a...
that's a freshly oiled hinge.
(HERBERT AND PETER LAUGHING)
Petey, let's play horsey.
(PETER GIGGLING)
That's it!
It's time you do all the work
and I goof off with Mr. Herbert.
Like hell it is.
(PETER AND CHRIS GRUNTING)
Jesse, is this really happening?
You're going down, old man.
I ain't the one going down.
You're going down.
No way. I'm gonna pound your ass!
You're seeming kind of cocky,.
Boo, cocky!
Oh!
(BOTH GRUNTING)
Why are you being such a jerk, Dad?
D-D-D-D-D-Dad?
Yeah, this is my dad.
(MOANS)
Well, he often said he wanted
to explode all over me.
He finally did.
Sorry I got jealous, Dad.
That's all right, Chris.
Hey, did you get a little
aroused when we were wrestling?
- No.
- Me, neither.
I am Herbert!
(ICE CREAM TRUCK MUSIC PLAYING)
- (KIDS LAUGHING)
- I am Herbert.
I am Herbert. I am Herbert.
Good Quahog, evening.
Uh, let's, uh, let's do that again.
Good evening, Hog-quo,
I'm Tucker Tom. Nope.
Good aftereveningnoon,
HogTom, Quo I'merTuck.
Quo Goodningnoon, TomerTuck,
I'm ningningafterevenQuo, Noonhog.
OUR TOP STORY:
Newport's wealthiest heiress,
Margaret Woolworth...
Holy God, I'm not reading all that...
Was found dead in her home
of an apparent heart attack.
- Did you...?
- No. Did you?
No. You think Quagmire did?
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
You, uh... you guys actually did it.
And made it look like a heart attack.
Wow. I, uh...
I didn't think you had it in you.
I... I guess you thought wrong.
Listen, I-I know there's been
some bad blood between us,
but I-I promise, it won't happen again.
I hope you can forgive me.
Well... just watch your step.
Well, a deal's a deal,
so here's your share of the estate.
Just sign here.
- We're rich!
- We're rich!
(BOTH LAUGH)
We're rich, Stewie.
And no flip joke can take that away.
Gentlemen,
due to a disastrous investment
in a Mindy Project amusement park,
Miss Woolworth etcetera, etcetera,
died owing $18 million,
for which you are now liable.
We owe money?
Look, Stewie, it-it could be worse.
We could be dead, like Margaret.
You're right. Poor thing.
I guess she just died of natural causes.
What a couple of rubes.
I'm finally out
from under that crushing debt.
I suppose I don't need this anymore.
Yes, that's right. It was a Meg story.
("CONGA")
♪ Come on, shake your body,
baby, do the conga ♪
♪ I know you can't control
yourself any longer ♪
♪ Feel the rhythm of the music
getting stronger ♪
♪ Don't you fight it
till you've tried it ♪
♪ Do the conga beat
♪ Everybody, gather 'round now
♪ Let your body feel the heat... ♪