Family Guy (1998–…): Season 17, Episode 15 - Episode #17.15 - full transcript
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪
♪ All the things that make us ♪
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
Peter, come on.
- What?
- We're starting.
Oh, is this, uh, a new one?
I thought it was a rerun.
Okay, here we go.
Line?
What are those guys
doing over there?
Hey, what are those guys
doing over there?
I added a "hey."
Here we go, Patriots!
All right, now let's go
miss the urinal
with half a whiz
and get out of here.
- Right on!
- Hey, why you guys leaving?
We're taking a party bus
to the game.
A bus for partying?
Aw, that sounds awesome.
Like a pair
of Pete's Headphones.
♪ Oye como va ♪
♪ Mi ritmo ♪
♪ Buena pa' gozar ♪
♪ Mulata ♪
♪ Ba, ba-da ba-da-da ♪
♪ Ba-da-da-da-da-da ♪
♪ Da-da-da-da-da-da-
da-da-da... ♪
Mom, can we eat?
My stomach is starting to sound
like Arnold Schwarzenegger
gasping for air
at the end of Total Recall.
My eyes are
popping out
at the end of this movie!
Well, I'd like to wait
for your father.
L-Let me send him another
infuriating check-in text.
Hel-lo!
Yes?
Peter, where the hell
have you been?
On a magical journey to
Gillette Stadium and back.
You remember last night
when you called me
the lowest-class alcoholic
in the world?
Well, I found one rung lower.
I'm a party bus guy now.
That's got to be way better
than when I drove a Fiat.
Hey! You cut me off!
What? Turn down your radio.
I can't. My stomach's
pressed up against the dial.
You want to go?
Get me 17 shoehorns and
some canola oil, and we'll go!
Get back here!
Okay, guys, now this is a bus
for a fireman's bachelor party.
So just follow my lead
and we'll fit right in.
All right!
9/11! Boston Strong!
Never forget!
How about this guy? You forget?
No way. You're too Boston Strong
to ever forget.
Let's roll!
Uh, I mean... civil servants
with hero complexes!
- Boom!
- All right!
Welcome, other firefighters.
Bring us the man of the hour.
Come on, Smitty!
To my last night
as a free man!
Hmm. Unfortunate timing.
Now, which one of these
scumbag firemen
will go after his fiancée?
Already happened.
We're very happy.
♪ Firemen are not good friends ♪
♪ They'll bang your wife
when you are dead. ♪
Peter, this sucks!
What are we doing out here?
I'm beginning to think
those vodka cranberries
may have had alcohol in them.
Wow, partying
on the bus to prom.
Doesn't get much cooler
than this.
None of these lame kids
is drinking.
Eh, I think I know
what's going on.
Hey, how many of you kids
are on the horny drugs?
I'm a cop.
But I'm not a narc.
Cool cop! Cool cop! Cool cop!
Did you dook yourself?
Just listen to the chant, Peter.
Listen to the chant.
♪ ♪
Close dancing, 12 o'clock.
Hey, arm's length,
dirty porno lovers!
So, going stag tonight, Meg?
Oh, no, I brought someone.
Hello. I'm in love with Meg.
Well, now I'm very sorry
I asked.
Wow, the end of high school.
Tonight, we pass around
Stifler's mom,
and in the morning, it's off
to die quick in Vietnam.
Peter, I think you're getting
your movies mixed up.
Attention, students.
It's time to announce
this year's prom king and queen.
Natalee Holloway!
Now, now.
And the winners are...
Connie D'Amico
and "Kermit Legs" Kyle!
Ah, so close.
Hello, gorgeous.
- How old are you?
- 18.
All right, and I just
recorded you saying that.
And hi. I am Glenn Quagmire.
Courtney. Nice to meet you.
You don't look like
you're in high school.
I got held back.
You like getting held back?
Sometimes.
All right, youngins.
I dragged this piece of dirty
cardboard in from the alley
to show y'all how to get down.
Peter! Let's boogie!
♪ Ho! Ho! ♪
♪ ♪
Aah!
There was a staple in the box!
Where's the nurse's office?
Hey, you want
to get out of here?
Yeah. Let's go.
You take requests?
What are you looking for?
♪ A-hunga, hunga,
hunga, hunga... ♪
♪ It's been one week
since you looked at me ♪
♪ Cocked your head to the side
and said I'm angry ♪
♪ Five days since
you laughed at me... ♪
-I know all the lyrics.
I just don't know them fast!
-♪ Three days... ♪
- And initial here.
- What is all this?
Oh, these just say if anything
should happen to you,
I'm not responsible,
blah-blah-blah.
I'm-I'm just boring myself.
I had a lot of fun
with you tonight, Courtney.
Me too.
Oh, Courtney.
Oh, Glenn.
Oh, oh, giggity!
Wait. Did you
just say "giggity"?
Yeah. Sorry.
Sometimes I just blurt that out
when I get excited.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Here. Rub this up and down
on the inside of your cheek.
- Giggity.
- Aah! Stop saying that!
What is it, Glenn?
What's wrong?
You're... you're my daughter!
Oh, my God!
Wow.
I guess this means
I have a phone call to make.
Hey, it's Glenn Quagmire.
Would you tell Andrew
that he is not the father?
Andrew,
you are not the father.
Courtney, there's something
I just got to ask.
What the heck was the theme
of that dance?
What do you mean?
I mean, like, there was
palm trees like it was Hawaii,
but then there was
a suit of armor in the corner.
There was a big banner
w-with fish on it.
Can we get back to the fact
that you're my dad?
Yeah, you're right.
I'm-I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Well, let me ask.
What's up with your mom?
Actually, I never knew my mom.
I was hoping that you could
tell me about her.
Uh... of course I can.
Your mom...
your mom... was really...
thing hanging on
the bulletin board behind you.
That's so nice to hear.
Tell me more.
Oh, gosh, she was,
she was just so...
word on the bottom
of your coffee cup.
I always knew she would be!
What else?
I just have some
great memories of her...
numbers to call
in case of emergency
or accidental poisoning.
It's like she's here
with us right now.
So you don't know your mom?
Who do you live with?
Well, right now I'm on a futon
in the rafters
of my friend's garage.
Oh! Actually,
I better get going.
I have to feed their ferrets.
They breed them.
It's pretty terrifying.
Anyway, thank you so much
for being so nice,
and let's talk soon?
Wait, hold on. You can't
live in a ferret garage.
You need a home.
You know, you could
move in here.
I have an extra bedroom,
and the bed has a bunch
of different-sized
pillows on it.
Hmm. I do love dealing with
those pillows every day,
but are you sure?
I don't want to be a burden.
No, it's no problem.
Hey, you're my daughter.
I want to make sure
you have everything you need.
Thanks. That's sweet.
Um... okay! Yeah.
I'll move in.
That's huge for me.
Hey, is that an Instant Pot?
- No, it's a Crock-Pot.
- You got to get an Instant Pot.
You can make short ribs in it.
It falls right off...
Yeah, yeah, falls right off
the bone. I know.
I've had this conversation
five times.
Hey, Quagmire.
I hear you're considering
an Instant Pot.
Courtney,
that's Joe, my neighbor.
Hey, Courtney.
You getting this guy on board?
So, I think I had
a wet nightmare last night.
Is that possible?
- Hello, fellow daddios.
- Did you bang your kid yet?
Okay, Peter, can I talk to you
for a second?
I'm sorry, but I am not going
to stand for any misogyny.
Stop acting like
a Neanderthal pig.
Those sound scary.
What were you two ladies
talking about?
Joe, can I talk to you
for a second?
It's 2019.
Time-tested jokes like that
are now offensive
and not funny at all.
Okay, I got to go.
I'm taking Courtney
to her first WNBA game.
I got courtside seats.
They're way in the back, but
I'm sitting next to Courtney.
I-I got dad jokes now.
See you, friends.
Yes, 911?
Someone has stolen
the old Quagmire
and replaced him with
a respectable man.
Sir, this line is reserved
for emergencies only.
Please end your clammy joke.
Okay. Sorry.
- You remember what I told you?
- I'm the best around.
Nothing's gonna
ever keep me down.
That's right. I made that up.
Now go get 'em, kiddo.
I'll be watching
with the other moms.
Here's all the usual suspects.
Oh, you're doing a video.
Turn it... G-Get it off.
Glenn, I look terrible.
Glenn, Courtney's up!
Okay, okay, here we go. Please.
Let's go, Courtney!
Ah, perfect! That's a ten!
9.2? 9.2?!
9.2?!
9.2?!
9.2?! I'll give you a 9.2.
On the Richter scale!
Courtney, let's go.
I get to go again.
We do it twice.
Oh.
Let's go, Courtney.
So, you liking
Take Your Daughter to Work Day?
Uh, yeah!
I can't believe my dad knows
how to fly this thing.
- You want to try?
- Me? I don't know.
Come on, it's easy.
You don't even need
a college degree,
which is a very scary true fact.
Go ahead.
You're doing great. Now roll it.
What? No way.
Don't worry, you're a Quagmire.
It's in your blood.
- Grip it and rip it.
- Okay.
Attagirl. Perfect.
N-No. No, no.
We're not doing that.
I got my daughter
with me today, you perverts.
He's not doing it today.
- Aw, shoot.
- Another time.
Probably got his kid with him.
I'm glad you guys could finally
come over for dinner.
Sure thing, Lois.
Thanks for having us.
See, Meg?
That's a thigh gap.
Now, Courtney, I'd like
to awkwardly introduce you
to someone your own age.
Courtney, this is Megan.
Maybe you listen
to the same music.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Yo, Courtney,
what's your Instagram?
I just got on there
and need some interesting peeps
to follow.
Oh, you'll have to ask my dad.
He approves
all my follow requests.
Denied! Nice try, ass.
Hey, have you guys seen
the Wonder Woman film?
- Yeah, no.
- Oh, you have to.
It's a triumph.
Courts and I
have seen it five times.
It's an important movie, Peter.
You should watch it with Meg.
It's a masterwork.
Oh, I've been wanting
to see that.
Okay, we totally will.
Hey, Dad,
I just checked the weather,
and it looks like sunny skies
all weekend.
- You guys have big plans?
- Yeah, we're going camping.
Hey, you and Meg should
come with us, Peter.
We'll make it a father-daughter
bonding weekend.
- Oh, that's a great idea.
- Yeah, let's go, Dad.
Y-You know who you should take
instead of me?
Uh, Stewie or-or Chris or Brian.
May-Maybe Lois.
Or Seamus is fun.
Carter Pewterschmidt,
Babs Pewterschmidt,
Bonnie, Joe, their son Kevin,
Cleveland, Jerome,
Bruce, Opie, Carl,
the "phony" guy,
the ostrich, Al Harrington,
Billy Finn, John Travolta
from one of our cutaways,
uh, all of our characters
as Star Wars characters,
everybody from
The Cleveland Show,
Cherry Chevapravatdumrong--
that's how that name
is pronounced--
the Orville--
the ship, not the cast--
um, me... Aw, damn it!
Okay, fine. I'll go.
- Thank you.
- Cool.
I heard my name, too. I'm in!
No? I'll drive, buy snacks?
No? Okay.
Everyone else is out here, too.
Oh, my God,
it's literally everyone.
That can only mean...
show ghosts!
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
I'm really glad
you decided to bring Meg
on this camping trip, Peter.
It's gonna be great.
-Because we're in the...
-Because we're in
the great outdoors.
Ah.
You don't get air like this
back in Quahog, do you, Pete?
Uh, I don't know.
Some places, probably.
Hoo-ah! Gosh, being in nature
gives me such great energy.
Hey, Courtney, you ever see
a yellow-headed warbler?
That's the only warbler
I haven't seen.
Not for long it's not.
Don't answer that.
We're eating.
They're probably eating.
Okay, we're gonna have
a fun camp competition.
And the first event,
worth five points,
is a race down to the lake
right now!
Last one there is
a stinky poo-poo egg!
Come on, Dad!
What Meg didn't know,
what none of them knew,
is that I already was
a stinky poo-poo egg.
Boy, you don't get
stars like this
back in Quahog, do you, Pete?
Stop calling me Pete.
I know what'll cheer you up.
Skits!
♪ Skits, skits, skits, skits ♪
♪ Skits, skits,
skits, skits ♪
♪ Skits-skits-skits-skits,
skits-skits ♪
♪ Skits! ♪
Well, isn't this
a perfect bench for a sit.
Say, Dad, what are you doing?
Oh, just sitting on
the invisible bench,
reading about those
North Korea jokesters.
But, Dad, they moved
the invisible bench last week.
Oh. It's over there now.
Whoa!
Ladies and gentlemen,
"The Invisible Bench" skit.
Peter, you're up.
Okay, here's one.
I call it "The Invisible Noose."
First, I throw a rope
over this tree limb,
put the noose around my neck.
Now I'll just step
onto this rock
and jump off into
the sweet relief of death.
Peter, would you mind
flattening your rod?
Fine. I'll Tootsie it
between my thighs.
Yeah, okay, whatever gets it
away from my daughter's face.
Are you eating an apple
with a knife?
God, that's always so forced.
Hold on.
We've been here already.
Yeah, she's right.
That's where I graffitied
that rock.
We've changed our minds.
We're going on record.
We're not lost, all right?
We're just two dads
bonding with our daughters,
and getting lost
is not part of the plan.
All right, nobody panic.
We just need to get
our bearings.
Hey, here comes a hiker.
Excuse me, sir, we're lost.
Ha! Then you must be
my car keys, right?
It is so nice
to get out of the city
and meet friendly people.
You're not helping, Dad.
As usual.
Well, at least
I didn't get us lost.
We're not lost! We're just...
two dads in the woods,
who love our daughters
very, very much.
Okay, so maybe it's not
the life we chose.
Well, you chose it. I didn't.
That's for damn sure!
- Dad, will you help him?
- Shh.
I've been waiting for this.
I knew it was fake.
Dad, I'm sorry. I didn't...
I'm not Dad! I'm Quagmire!
Glenn Quagmire!
Giggity giggity!
I don't want to be out here!
I hate camping!
And what the hell was the theme
of that stupid prom?!
All the cups said,
"Oh, What a Night!"
I mean, if it was,
"Oh, What a Knight" with a "K,"
that would've made some sense,
'cause there was
a suit of armor there.
What was that about?
Answer me!
I-I think it's possible
to overthink these things.
Ugh, what a mish-mosh.
Damn it, I just want to be home,
not here, lost in the woods,
looking at this stupid map
with a magnifying glass.
Aah!
♪ ♪
Oh, my God.
What are we gonna do?
I don't know.
- Help!
- Dear God, someone help us!
You know when this
would never happen?
If I was sitting on the couch,
watching TV,
ignoring you completely.
Courtney, I'm sorry
for what I said earlier.
You mean when you completely
ripped my school dance theme?
No, no, there was no theme
to rip.
That's the point.
I stand by all of that.
If anything, I'm more angry.
No, I'm-I'm talking about
being your father
before I was ready.
I promise, if we make it
out of here,
we can start again.
- Deal?
- Deal.
9/11!
Boston Strong!
Oh, it's Smitty.
We're saved!
But we should warn the birds
the fire's coming.
All right, stay calm.
Grab the pictures.
I'll get your mother's ashes.
Wow, Peter, that was
a close call with that fire,
but I'm glad you all
made it back safe and sound.
Yeah, me, too.
What the hell?
Oh, I hope it's okay.
I bought some more pillows.
I mean, what is the deal
with women and pillows?
Has-has anyone else
noticed this?
No.
No one? But I-I got three
minutes of material on pillows.
We don't want to hear it.
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
that all you see ♪
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪
♪ All the things that make us ♪
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
Peter, come on.
- What?
- We're starting.
Oh, is this, uh, a new one?
I thought it was a rerun.
Okay, here we go.
Line?
What are those guys
doing over there?
Hey, what are those guys
doing over there?
I added a "hey."
Here we go, Patriots!
All right, now let's go
miss the urinal
with half a whiz
and get out of here.
- Right on!
- Hey, why you guys leaving?
We're taking a party bus
to the game.
A bus for partying?
Aw, that sounds awesome.
Like a pair
of Pete's Headphones.
♪ Oye como va ♪
♪ Mi ritmo ♪
♪ Buena pa' gozar ♪
♪ Mulata ♪
♪ Ba, ba-da ba-da-da ♪
♪ Ba-da-da-da-da-da ♪
♪ Da-da-da-da-da-da-
da-da-da... ♪
Mom, can we eat?
My stomach is starting to sound
like Arnold Schwarzenegger
gasping for air
at the end of Total Recall.
My eyes are
popping out
at the end of this movie!
Well, I'd like to wait
for your father.
L-Let me send him another
infuriating check-in text.
Hel-lo!
Yes?
Peter, where the hell
have you been?
On a magical journey to
Gillette Stadium and back.
You remember last night
when you called me
the lowest-class alcoholic
in the world?
Well, I found one rung lower.
I'm a party bus guy now.
That's got to be way better
than when I drove a Fiat.
Hey! You cut me off!
What? Turn down your radio.
I can't. My stomach's
pressed up against the dial.
You want to go?
Get me 17 shoehorns and
some canola oil, and we'll go!
Get back here!
Okay, guys, now this is a bus
for a fireman's bachelor party.
So just follow my lead
and we'll fit right in.
All right!
9/11! Boston Strong!
Never forget!
How about this guy? You forget?
No way. You're too Boston Strong
to ever forget.
Let's roll!
Uh, I mean... civil servants
with hero complexes!
- Boom!
- All right!
Welcome, other firefighters.
Bring us the man of the hour.
Come on, Smitty!
To my last night
as a free man!
Hmm. Unfortunate timing.
Now, which one of these
scumbag firemen
will go after his fiancée?
Already happened.
We're very happy.
♪ Firemen are not good friends ♪
♪ They'll bang your wife
when you are dead. ♪
Peter, this sucks!
What are we doing out here?
I'm beginning to think
those vodka cranberries
may have had alcohol in them.
Wow, partying
on the bus to prom.
Doesn't get much cooler
than this.
None of these lame kids
is drinking.
Eh, I think I know
what's going on.
Hey, how many of you kids
are on the horny drugs?
I'm a cop.
But I'm not a narc.
Cool cop! Cool cop! Cool cop!
Did you dook yourself?
Just listen to the chant, Peter.
Listen to the chant.
♪ ♪
Close dancing, 12 o'clock.
Hey, arm's length,
dirty porno lovers!
So, going stag tonight, Meg?
Oh, no, I brought someone.
Hello. I'm in love with Meg.
Well, now I'm very sorry
I asked.
Wow, the end of high school.
Tonight, we pass around
Stifler's mom,
and in the morning, it's off
to die quick in Vietnam.
Peter, I think you're getting
your movies mixed up.
Attention, students.
It's time to announce
this year's prom king and queen.
Natalee Holloway!
Now, now.
And the winners are...
Connie D'Amico
and "Kermit Legs" Kyle!
Ah, so close.
Hello, gorgeous.
- How old are you?
- 18.
All right, and I just
recorded you saying that.
And hi. I am Glenn Quagmire.
Courtney. Nice to meet you.
You don't look like
you're in high school.
I got held back.
You like getting held back?
Sometimes.
All right, youngins.
I dragged this piece of dirty
cardboard in from the alley
to show y'all how to get down.
Peter! Let's boogie!
♪ Ho! Ho! ♪
♪ ♪
Aah!
There was a staple in the box!
Where's the nurse's office?
Hey, you want
to get out of here?
Yeah. Let's go.
You take requests?
What are you looking for?
♪ A-hunga, hunga,
hunga, hunga... ♪
♪ It's been one week
since you looked at me ♪
♪ Cocked your head to the side
and said I'm angry ♪
♪ Five days since
you laughed at me... ♪
-I know all the lyrics.
I just don't know them fast!
-♪ Three days... ♪
- And initial here.
- What is all this?
Oh, these just say if anything
should happen to you,
I'm not responsible,
blah-blah-blah.
I'm-I'm just boring myself.
I had a lot of fun
with you tonight, Courtney.
Me too.
Oh, Courtney.
Oh, Glenn.
Oh, oh, giggity!
Wait. Did you
just say "giggity"?
Yeah. Sorry.
Sometimes I just blurt that out
when I get excited.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Here. Rub this up and down
on the inside of your cheek.
- Giggity.
- Aah! Stop saying that!
What is it, Glenn?
What's wrong?
You're... you're my daughter!
Oh, my God!
Wow.
I guess this means
I have a phone call to make.
Hey, it's Glenn Quagmire.
Would you tell Andrew
that he is not the father?
Andrew,
you are not the father.
Courtney, there's something
I just got to ask.
What the heck was the theme
of that dance?
What do you mean?
I mean, like, there was
palm trees like it was Hawaii,
but then there was
a suit of armor in the corner.
There was a big banner
w-with fish on it.
Can we get back to the fact
that you're my dad?
Yeah, you're right.
I'm-I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Well, let me ask.
What's up with your mom?
Actually, I never knew my mom.
I was hoping that you could
tell me about her.
Uh... of course I can.
Your mom...
your mom... was really...
thing hanging on
the bulletin board behind you.
That's so nice to hear.
Tell me more.
Oh, gosh, she was,
she was just so...
word on the bottom
of your coffee cup.
I always knew she would be!
What else?
I just have some
great memories of her...
numbers to call
in case of emergency
or accidental poisoning.
It's like she's here
with us right now.
So you don't know your mom?
Who do you live with?
Well, right now I'm on a futon
in the rafters
of my friend's garage.
Oh! Actually,
I better get going.
I have to feed their ferrets.
They breed them.
It's pretty terrifying.
Anyway, thank you so much
for being so nice,
and let's talk soon?
Wait, hold on. You can't
live in a ferret garage.
You need a home.
You know, you could
move in here.
I have an extra bedroom,
and the bed has a bunch
of different-sized
pillows on it.
Hmm. I do love dealing with
those pillows every day,
but are you sure?
I don't want to be a burden.
No, it's no problem.
Hey, you're my daughter.
I want to make sure
you have everything you need.
Thanks. That's sweet.
Um... okay! Yeah.
I'll move in.
That's huge for me.
Hey, is that an Instant Pot?
- No, it's a Crock-Pot.
- You got to get an Instant Pot.
You can make short ribs in it.
It falls right off...
Yeah, yeah, falls right off
the bone. I know.
I've had this conversation
five times.
Hey, Quagmire.
I hear you're considering
an Instant Pot.
Courtney,
that's Joe, my neighbor.
Hey, Courtney.
You getting this guy on board?
So, I think I had
a wet nightmare last night.
Is that possible?
- Hello, fellow daddios.
- Did you bang your kid yet?
Okay, Peter, can I talk to you
for a second?
I'm sorry, but I am not going
to stand for any misogyny.
Stop acting like
a Neanderthal pig.
Those sound scary.
What were you two ladies
talking about?
Joe, can I talk to you
for a second?
It's 2019.
Time-tested jokes like that
are now offensive
and not funny at all.
Okay, I got to go.
I'm taking Courtney
to her first WNBA game.
I got courtside seats.
They're way in the back, but
I'm sitting next to Courtney.
I-I got dad jokes now.
See you, friends.
Yes, 911?
Someone has stolen
the old Quagmire
and replaced him with
a respectable man.
Sir, this line is reserved
for emergencies only.
Please end your clammy joke.
Okay. Sorry.
- You remember what I told you?
- I'm the best around.
Nothing's gonna
ever keep me down.
That's right. I made that up.
Now go get 'em, kiddo.
I'll be watching
with the other moms.
Here's all the usual suspects.
Oh, you're doing a video.
Turn it... G-Get it off.
Glenn, I look terrible.
Glenn, Courtney's up!
Okay, okay, here we go. Please.
Let's go, Courtney!
Ah, perfect! That's a ten!
9.2? 9.2?!
9.2?!
9.2?!
9.2?! I'll give you a 9.2.
On the Richter scale!
Courtney, let's go.
I get to go again.
We do it twice.
Oh.
Let's go, Courtney.
So, you liking
Take Your Daughter to Work Day?
Uh, yeah!
I can't believe my dad knows
how to fly this thing.
- You want to try?
- Me? I don't know.
Come on, it's easy.
You don't even need
a college degree,
which is a very scary true fact.
Go ahead.
You're doing great. Now roll it.
What? No way.
Don't worry, you're a Quagmire.
It's in your blood.
- Grip it and rip it.
- Okay.
Attagirl. Perfect.
N-No. No, no.
We're not doing that.
I got my daughter
with me today, you perverts.
He's not doing it today.
- Aw, shoot.
- Another time.
Probably got his kid with him.
I'm glad you guys could finally
come over for dinner.
Sure thing, Lois.
Thanks for having us.
See, Meg?
That's a thigh gap.
Now, Courtney, I'd like
to awkwardly introduce you
to someone your own age.
Courtney, this is Megan.
Maybe you listen
to the same music.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Yo, Courtney,
what's your Instagram?
I just got on there
and need some interesting peeps
to follow.
Oh, you'll have to ask my dad.
He approves
all my follow requests.
Denied! Nice try, ass.
Hey, have you guys seen
the Wonder Woman film?
- Yeah, no.
- Oh, you have to.
It's a triumph.
Courts and I
have seen it five times.
It's an important movie, Peter.
You should watch it with Meg.
It's a masterwork.
Oh, I've been wanting
to see that.
Okay, we totally will.
Hey, Dad,
I just checked the weather,
and it looks like sunny skies
all weekend.
- You guys have big plans?
- Yeah, we're going camping.
Hey, you and Meg should
come with us, Peter.
We'll make it a father-daughter
bonding weekend.
- Oh, that's a great idea.
- Yeah, let's go, Dad.
Y-You know who you should take
instead of me?
Uh, Stewie or-or Chris or Brian.
May-Maybe Lois.
Or Seamus is fun.
Carter Pewterschmidt,
Babs Pewterschmidt,
Bonnie, Joe, their son Kevin,
Cleveland, Jerome,
Bruce, Opie, Carl,
the "phony" guy,
the ostrich, Al Harrington,
Billy Finn, John Travolta
from one of our cutaways,
uh, all of our characters
as Star Wars characters,
everybody from
The Cleveland Show,
Cherry Chevapravatdumrong--
that's how that name
is pronounced--
the Orville--
the ship, not the cast--
um, me... Aw, damn it!
Okay, fine. I'll go.
- Thank you.
- Cool.
I heard my name, too. I'm in!
No? I'll drive, buy snacks?
No? Okay.
Everyone else is out here, too.
Oh, my God,
it's literally everyone.
That can only mean...
show ghosts!
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
I'm really glad
you decided to bring Meg
on this camping trip, Peter.
It's gonna be great.
-Because we're in the...
-Because we're in
the great outdoors.
Ah.
You don't get air like this
back in Quahog, do you, Pete?
Uh, I don't know.
Some places, probably.
Hoo-ah! Gosh, being in nature
gives me such great energy.
Hey, Courtney, you ever see
a yellow-headed warbler?
That's the only warbler
I haven't seen.
Not for long it's not.
Don't answer that.
We're eating.
They're probably eating.
Okay, we're gonna have
a fun camp competition.
And the first event,
worth five points,
is a race down to the lake
right now!
Last one there is
a stinky poo-poo egg!
Come on, Dad!
What Meg didn't know,
what none of them knew,
is that I already was
a stinky poo-poo egg.
Boy, you don't get
stars like this
back in Quahog, do you, Pete?
Stop calling me Pete.
I know what'll cheer you up.
Skits!
♪ Skits, skits, skits, skits ♪
♪ Skits, skits,
skits, skits ♪
♪ Skits-skits-skits-skits,
skits-skits ♪
♪ Skits! ♪
Well, isn't this
a perfect bench for a sit.
Say, Dad, what are you doing?
Oh, just sitting on
the invisible bench,
reading about those
North Korea jokesters.
But, Dad, they moved
the invisible bench last week.
Oh. It's over there now.
Whoa!
Ladies and gentlemen,
"The Invisible Bench" skit.
Peter, you're up.
Okay, here's one.
I call it "The Invisible Noose."
First, I throw a rope
over this tree limb,
put the noose around my neck.
Now I'll just step
onto this rock
and jump off into
the sweet relief of death.
Peter, would you mind
flattening your rod?
Fine. I'll Tootsie it
between my thighs.
Yeah, okay, whatever gets it
away from my daughter's face.
Are you eating an apple
with a knife?
God, that's always so forced.
Hold on.
We've been here already.
Yeah, she's right.
That's where I graffitied
that rock.
We've changed our minds.
We're going on record.
We're not lost, all right?
We're just two dads
bonding with our daughters,
and getting lost
is not part of the plan.
All right, nobody panic.
We just need to get
our bearings.
Hey, here comes a hiker.
Excuse me, sir, we're lost.
Ha! Then you must be
my car keys, right?
It is so nice
to get out of the city
and meet friendly people.
You're not helping, Dad.
As usual.
Well, at least
I didn't get us lost.
We're not lost! We're just...
two dads in the woods,
who love our daughters
very, very much.
Okay, so maybe it's not
the life we chose.
Well, you chose it. I didn't.
That's for damn sure!
- Dad, will you help him?
- Shh.
I've been waiting for this.
I knew it was fake.
Dad, I'm sorry. I didn't...
I'm not Dad! I'm Quagmire!
Glenn Quagmire!
Giggity giggity!
I don't want to be out here!
I hate camping!
And what the hell was the theme
of that stupid prom?!
All the cups said,
"Oh, What a Night!"
I mean, if it was,
"Oh, What a Knight" with a "K,"
that would've made some sense,
'cause there was
a suit of armor there.
What was that about?
Answer me!
I-I think it's possible
to overthink these things.
Ugh, what a mish-mosh.
Damn it, I just want to be home,
not here, lost in the woods,
looking at this stupid map
with a magnifying glass.
Aah!
♪ ♪
Oh, my God.
What are we gonna do?
I don't know.
- Help!
- Dear God, someone help us!
You know when this
would never happen?
If I was sitting on the couch,
watching TV,
ignoring you completely.
Courtney, I'm sorry
for what I said earlier.
You mean when you completely
ripped my school dance theme?
No, no, there was no theme
to rip.
That's the point.
I stand by all of that.
If anything, I'm more angry.
No, I'm-I'm talking about
being your father
before I was ready.
I promise, if we make it
out of here,
we can start again.
- Deal?
- Deal.
9/11!
Boston Strong!
Oh, it's Smitty.
We're saved!
But we should warn the birds
the fire's coming.
All right, stay calm.
Grab the pictures.
I'll get your mother's ashes.
Wow, Peter, that was
a close call with that fire,
but I'm glad you all
made it back safe and sound.
Yeah, me, too.
What the hell?
Oh, I hope it's okay.
I bought some more pillows.
I mean, what is the deal
with women and pillows?
Has-has anyone else
noticed this?
No.
No one? But I-I got three
minutes of material on pillows.
We don't want to hear it.
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH