Family Guy (1998–…): Season 17, Episode 16 - Episode #17.16 - full transcript
It's pretty cool
we got our own mural, huh?
Eh, don't get too excited.
You know who else has one?
- The Ox-Bow Incident.
- What is that?
Set in Bridger's Wells, Nevada
in 1885,
The Ox-Bow Incident is a tale
of cowboys, cattle and conflict.
If you guys could just
take a seat.
Okay, here we go.
♪ It seems today
that all you see... ♪
Okay, welcome to Family Guy
DVD commentary for episode 1614.
I'm Peter Griffin,
joined by my wife Lois,
our dog Brian,
and our children,
Meg, Stewie and Chris.
And for you kids out there,
DVDs were plastic discs...
I-I got this, Brian.
Have you ever been
at your grandmother's house
and you look at her weird,
old computer,
and there's, like,
a crack on the side of it?
That's DVDs.
Oh, and animation producer
Shannon Smith is here, too.
- Glad to be here.
- This is actually...
Oh, wait, wait. Look, look.
Lot of people don't know this,
but that house
is actually in Burbank.
People keep stealing
their mailbox.
We now return to
"Winona Ryder Distracting from
Other Speeches in History."
Four score
and seven years ago...
Wow, yeah, yeah,
I remember this.
Winona Ryder kind of hung out
on set all day,
and it, uh, wore a little thin
on all of us.
Yeah, I actually had to
close a door on her
at one point.
I-I just remember she stole
a ton of LUNA Bars
from the office kitchen.
Like-like, filled
a whole duffel bag.
Great news, everyone.
The new smartphone
from Crabapple is out.
The new Crabapple phone?
Awesome.
Yeah, the network
doesn't like us using
the names of actual companies
on the show.
It's not so bad, though.
We can still say Burger Kong,
McDarrel's, Kooka Cola,
Pipsi, Chevrolump
and all the big ones.
I want to be the first
to get the new phone.
I don't care
if it takes all day.
Don't you have work?
Eh, I wouldn't mind
missing work.
There's a secretary
looking for reassurance
about her overly short haircu.
I saw it in a magazine.
I needed a fresh start.
Stop pretending to stare
at your phones,
and just say you hate it.
Sir, I am trying to read.
Ah, the writer credits
have begun.
I'm gonna give personal facts
about each of the names
that pops up.
Mom, will you tie my shoes?
Smokes on
the no-smoking balcony.
Weird church guy.
Instagrams cowboy hats
at 3:00 a.m.
Pushed his wife at a party.
Oh, my God, Cherry's the best.
We love her.
Hi, Cherry. We love you.
Kids, time to gather up
our old cords and chargers
that no longer work
and throw them in the garbage.
We can't do that.
Don't you know a lot
of discarded electronics
end up in the ocean
and kill sea turtles?
Well, then let's cut out
the middleman.
I'm sorry.
There's a new phone.
That was cool.
I got to go to Fiji for that.
They got a ton of turtles there.
You can kill 'em, nobody cares.
Oh my gosh. I just got it.
Crab-apple.
Take a lap, Meg.
Think about what you said.
Hey. Gold phone is mine.
Already match fingernail.
Oh, this is where I fight
that woman for the phone.
I was here first!
That's mine!
You know, I actually
had a couple of ad-libs
about Chinese working conditions
that somehow didn't make it
into the final cut.
All you said was,
"Children make iPhones."
This is a comedy show,
not Mark Ruffalo's Twitter.
She wanted it more than me.
Take it easy, huh?
Peter, I'm just not sure
it's such a great idea
that everyone in the family
got a new cell phone.
Is that my bottle of water?
Wh-What?
That open bottle--
is that yours or mine?
I-I... I don't know.
Maybe yours?
This is why we need
a Sharpie in here
to put our names on our water!
Geez, Chris. What the hell?
Chris, relax. Have a Pipsi.
Good morning, everybod...
Damn it!
She's just gonna keep it like
that for the next three years.
You know, there's truth to that.
You-you can tell
a lot about a person
whose cell phone screen
is cracked.
Like-like, if they're a girl,
they definitely celebrate
their birth week.
Oh, yeah. Just trash.
Damn it, those phones have
turned you all
into mindless drones.
I knew this would happen.
Getting those things
was a worse idea than...
You know,
for an extra $12 a month,
you can insure your screen,
and they'll replace it for free.
Nice going, Meg.
You talked over the setup
of this cutaway,
and now we don't know
what's going on.
Looks like Nicki Minaj,
Iggy Azalea and Madonna
are robbing a bank.
Um... they're butt bandits?
"Ocean's 36-24-49?"
Oh, I remember.
They're all skanks.
"Getting new phones was a worse
idea than a skank robbery."
- Oh, yeah.
- Right, skank robbery.
I'm sorry, that's not funny.
Today's sermon
is about perseverance.
When I was run out of Boston
by the Spotlight team,
I could've hung up my collar.
Oh, my God. Again?
You guys have got
to put those away.
You can't be
on your phones in here.
Relax, Lois.
It's just stupid, boring
church.
Not like we're gonna
miss anything.
But instead, I packed my Bibles
and my Tootsie Pops
and headed down to Quahog.
With a renewed sense of spirit
and a renewed reverence for...
Jesus Christ?
Uh, guys, sorry to interrupt.
Danny the intern is here
with your paychecks.
Oh, thanks, Danny.
Hey, Chris,
here's your paycheck.
Yeah, that gets forwarded
right to DraftKings.
What's going on in there,
Ollie?
- He came back!
- How is he?
- Mad!
- Thanks, Ollie.
H-Hold on, Danny, it looks like
you accidentally
gave me Peter's check.
Wait. What the hell?
This number is four times
what I make.
- Peter, you always said
you made the same as me.
I'm sorry, Lois.
I couldn't hear you
over Meg's Snickers wrapper.
- What's this, now?
- I can't believe this, Peter.
Y-You lied to me.
Let's get out of here,
other altar boys.
This is bull crap.
I'm calling Fox
or Disney payroll right now.
Fox or Disney payroll.
- Yeah, hi. This is Lois Griff...
- Please hold.
Of course.
Yeah, Mom, that's not fair.
Meg is right. That's not fair.
Thank you for
continuing to hold.
...turn my family
into brain-dead robots.
In fact, you know what?
We're finally going
to Old Sturbridge Village.
Thank you for
continuing to hold.
...see what life was like
before all these screens.
A place where people farm
their own food,
make their own clothing
and read books...
Thank you for
continuing to hold.
Oh, come on, Lois,
you only want to go
to Old Sturbridge Village
'cause you once got
hand-blasted there
on a field trip.
Yes, let's just say
the candles
weren't the only thing
being hot-dipped.
- You see, Brian?
- That's how you do an ad-lib.
Went right in.
Thanks for holding.
How may I help you,
Mrs. Griffin?
Yeah, I'll tell you how.
You can explain to me
why my husband
makes four times
as much money as I do.
Oh, um... okay, this is awkward.
But I... I, um...
I assumed you knew.
Mr. Griffin was able
to negotiate a higher salary
because he's still paying
alimony to his first wife.
"First wife"? What?
Peter, you were married before?
We actually freelance
all our explosion animation.
Who are you again?
- I-I'm Shannon Smith.
- Shannon. Take a lap.
...never go to church.
How come you never told me
you were married before?
- I don't know.
- Just never came up.
- Never came up?!
- Well, who was she?
- Sarah Paulson.
- Who?
Wait, isn't she that actress
who's always biting her lip?
Her very full lip.
I honestly have no idea
who they're talking about.
Come on, Sarah Paulson's been
in a lot of stuff, Chris.
Okay, pulled her up on my phone.
Looks vaguely familiar.
But I would legitimately suggest
that people pause this right now
and Google her.
Wait. Wasn't Sarah Paulson
a guest star
in this exact episode?
Yeah, in fact,
she was in this O.J. gag.
Ah, look, Predator
just cut her head off.
Not for real, though.
For real, she's actually
coming into the booth right now
to be part of this commentary.
- Hi, everybody.
- So sorry I'm late.
I was stuck in the canyon.
Is... is that a euphemism
for lesbian sex?
- I don't think I've met everyone.
- I'm Sarah.
I understand you and Peter
used to be married.
Oh, that.
Feels like ancient history.
I like your shoulder blades,
Miss Paulson.
They're very... jutty.
Have a seat, Sarah.
Shall I explain
what we're doing here?
That's okay. It seems just like
when I would do ADR
for American Horror Story,
for which I have received
five Emmy nominations.
Well, some of us have awards,
some of us have children.
What's that supposed to mean?
Well, I don't know.
You're the smart award winner.
You figure it out.
Because this is a godless sho.
All right, I'll do it.
I'll pretend to be sick
to get out of going
to Old Sturbridge Village.
Mm, still 126.
Oh, I wish you were feeling
well enough to come.
Maybe I should stay home
and take care of you.
No. Go, Lois.
Go watch dead-eyed
pale women make bread.
So, Lois, what will you be
wearing to the Emmys this year?
I think you know
I won't be there.
I won a surfboard
at the Teen Choice Awards.
I left it in the kitchen
at work,
hoping someone would take it.
No one did.
...eat a meatball sub
and watch football all day.
Man, this is
an even better scam
than Ferris Bueller's Day On.
Okay, I need you to file these
and not be working
with a shampoo mohawk.
So, Sarah, I-I guess you chose
not to take Peter's name, huh?
Decided to stick with "Paulson"?
Yeah, his name just felt
kind of, I don't know,
rough, you know?
"Griffin."
Right?
Just sounds kind of brutish
and low-class.
I also won an Emmy for
my performance as Marcia Clark
in The People v. O.J. Simpson.
You won an Emmy
for wearing a wig.
Peter, may I speak
with you outside?
Oh, boy.
Uh-oh.
I think I'm stuck.
Oh, right, this is where
the fat man got stuck
in the banister slats.
Stewie, I'm gonna give you
another crack at that,
because I believe
what you meant to call them was
"baluster slats,"
not "banister slats."
- "Banister," "baluster."
- Same thing.
Stewie,
"banister" and "baluster"
are hardly the same things.
A banister is the handrail that
sits atop the upright supports.
A baluster is the
supporting structure itself.
- Is this my water?
- No, it is not!
Brian, I've heard people
say "banister slats."
Well, those people, like you,
would be incorrect.
So, the baluster is that
big, round thing
at the bottom of the stairs
- where the staircase begins?
- "Big, round thing"?
You're...
you're just guessing stuff now.
I believe what you're
referring to is a newel post.
Mom and Dad are still
out there arguing.
Shouldn't they be in here?
I'll get 'em.
Wasn't Shannon, like,
a P.A. here once?
Shut your mouth.
Shannon's the only professional
in this building.
...friends were getting married.
How could I
not know this?!
Hey, guys?
We have to deliver this episode
to the network today.
Oh, you guys are back
just in time for my big role.
Hey, take it down
a notch, Sarah.
You don't even have an entry
on the Family Guy wiki.
Even Gronk's dad has one.
Welcome to Old Sturbridge
Village, everyone.
Here's a fun fact.
In colonial times, butter
and soap were the same thing.
I get that it's a fact,
but how is it fun?
Oh, my God!
How the hell am I gonna
get out of this?
Shh. Nobody talk
for the next minute.
I'm about to sing my big song.
Oh, go to hell, Peter.
It's no use.
I guess I'm just stuck...
halfway down the stairs.
♪ Halfway down the stairs ♪
♪ Is a stair where I sit ♪
♪ There isn't any other stair ♪
♪ Quite like it... ♪
What the hell is this?
I'll tell you what it is:
an homage to a classic song
from The Muppet Show,
sung by Kermit's nephew, Robin.
I guarantee nobody got that.
I know this song.
Oh, shut up, Sarah!
♪ Where I always stop ♪
♪ Halfway up the stairs... ♪
I don't believe this.
You're just singing
the same song a frog sang.
How the hell was this
not cut from the show?
I kind of insisted they keep it.
I actually laid
in my parking space as a protest
until they gave in.
♪ And all sorts
of funny thoughts run... ♪
This is the stupidest thing
I've ever seen.
Um, are they setting up
a buffet lunch for us
after this?
No, I think it's just pizza.
Can we please just
listen to the song?
♪ Halfway down the stairs ♪
♪ Is a stair where I sit ♪
♪ There isn't any other stair ♪
♪ Quite like it ♪
♪ I'm not at the bottom ♪
♪ I'm not at the top... ♪
Are there even any jokes
in the song?
Do you not understand comedy?
It's a reference.
The joke is I'm singing it.
Sorry to break it to you--
that's not a joke.
Damn it, now it's over.
Thanks a lot, Lois.
You completely ruined it.
You better not take
that tone with me,
'cause this has been
one hell of a day.
First, I find out you make
four times what I do.
Then I find out
you were married before?
I mean, what else don't I know?
Well, if we're
being honest, Lois,
you're really bad at having sex
when I'm drunk.
It's like you don't even
enjoy it.
You're impossible!
Do not speak to the wicked.
Throw heads of cabbage
at him.
Damn it, Peter,
this is all your fault.
They're not even going to
explain how we all got stuck?
Season 16, ladies and gentlemen.
Suddenly, the family is stuck
in the banister slats.
Baluster.
Brian, seriously,.
I can get us out of here.
I'm good at
figuring things out.
Like when I figured out
the secret of business:
pointing at stuff
during meetings.
Peter, there's something
you don't know.
Chris might not even
be your son.
What?
I once slept with
Philip Seymour Hoffman.
You what?
These montage-style cutaway gags
provide the animators
the freedom
to go "beyond the page,"
as we say.
You slept with
Philip Seymour Hoffman?
I sure did.
It was in his trailer during
that tornado chasing movie.
And all I know is,
nine months later,
Chris is born.
Yay! I'm a bastard!
This scene reminds me
of the time
I was being honored
at the Kennedy Center...
Oh, baloney sandwich, Sarah!
Baloney sandwich!
In fact, you know what?!
I'm tired of it, Peter!
You're dishonest,
you're disrespectful,
and, frankly, I deserve better!
So... so what are you
saying, Lois?
I'm saying this marriage
is over.
Enjoy spending the rest
of your life alone,
and enjoy doing the show
without me, 'cause I quit!
...building a chair
with my male friends.
Yeah, I can't believe...
Hi. Shannon Smith again.
You know, if you need a new
Lois, I do a pretty good one.
Peter!
That was sad.
Well, that was unexpected.
Well, I really regret
confiscating
everyone's phones now.
How the hell
are we gonna get out of here?
I got no idea,
but we're in trouble.
Even more than when we were
literally in the game Trouble.
Welcome back to the DVD
commentary episode.
If you're just joining us,
Lois has stormed out
and announced that she's
quitting the show after learning
that Peter and Sarah Paulson
were once married.
She also said Chris's dad
might be Philip Seymour Hoffman.
More like See-less Hoffman
these days, right?
Hey, Patrick,
can we edit that out?
Yeah.
Okay, good, let's do that.
I don't see it.
Okay, there's also
a real rock
you can throw
through the glass.
I found the fake one.
Great.
Oh, thank God.
Can you get us out of...
Man, this is gonna be
easier than I thought.
- Wait, you're robbing us?
- Sure am.
And apparently,
I can take my sweet time.
Dad, I'm really worried
about Mom.
Should we maybe check on her?
Or be thinking about
a paternity test for Chris?
- You're right, Meg.
- This is awful.
You think your mother's
actually serious
about divorcing me
and quitting the show?
And what was all that stuff
about Chris not being my son?
That-that can't be true, right?
It's a burglar party!
Hey, remember the one day
that guy who plays the burglar
was on set, he was
passing out postcards
for his one-man show?
- So tacky.
- I went.
Wasn't bad. I think I sat
next to his girlfriend,
'cause she laughed
at everything.
I've got a package
for a... Brian Griffin.
I'm Brian Griffin.
Great. Sign here.
Thanks.
All right, you guys.
Who's ready to have some fun?
Hey, Brian,
they used your account
to buy a karaoke machine.
♪ Halfway down the stairs... ♪
And she said no one
would know that song.
Well, look.
The burglars know it.
Oh, you're kidding me.
They're doing my song.
♪ There isn't any other stair
quite like it... ♪
I-I gotta go find your mother,
talk some sense back into her.
SETH MacFARLANE:
No need, Peter.
Hi. Sorry to interrupt.
- Seth MacFarlane.
- Holy crap.
It's the mouse from Sing.
I'd recognize your voice
anywhere.
MacFARLANE:
Okay, settle down.
Mr. MacFarlane...
what are you doing here?
MacFARLANE:
I'm actually here to tell you
there's no need to talk sense
into Lois.
Or for a paternity test.
Or for anyone
to leave the show,
because none of you are real.
You're all TV characters
voiced by me,
Alex Borstein, Seth Green
and Mila Kunis.
- Hey.
- Hey, what's up?
- Hi, everybody.
- Wait. What?
Okay, ha-hang on a second.
If I'm not real,
then why does a fat nerd
pretend to be me
at every Comic-Con?
MacFARLANE:
Please, please don't
mention him.
- It'll only encourage him.
- And if you're me,
then why do you sound
like my dog?
MacFARLANE:
Because I'm also the voice
of your dog, Brian.
Wait. You do my voice, too?
MacFARLANE:
Yeah, I do your voice.
So, the guy who handles
your money,
he knows you by voice, right?
That's usually just a call.
- Wait a second.
- If Dad's not real,
then he's not really my dad,
which means I'm not real?
That's right, Meg.
You're voiced by me, Mila Kunis.
Okay, question:
Why is the girl who voices me
super hot and I'm not?
Aw, that's so sweet.
You know, believe it or not,
I've actually had two kids.
Um, Ms. Kunis, I would just
like you to know
that I have no problem with you
breastfeeding in this booth.
May I ask
if you're still producing?
Uh, I, uh... no, uh, Chris,
I'm-I'm not, uh...
uh, producing.
- What about you, Miss Paulson?
- Are you producing?
I can see coming here
was a mistake.
Excuse me, Seth Green...
- Chris, I'm a man.
- I-I can't produce.
Actually, I just wanted to say
I enjoy your brilliant work
on Robot Chicken.
MacFARLANE:
Wait, Seth Green,
are you feeding yourself
compliments now?
Well, let's just hear Chris out.
MacFARLANE:
Okay, you know what?
We're getting off track here.
Like I was saying,
none of you actually exists.
Yes, you keep saying that.
Stop telling such horrible lies.
Oh, Seth, since you're here,
would you mind recording
episodes 1714, 15, 16,
and an NFL on Fox promo?
MacFARLANE:
Shannon, take a lap.
Oh, hey, look.
- Mom's back.
- Don't get excited.
I forgot my paycheck.
Lois, you can't leave the show.
Oh, yeah? Why not?
Well, the captain
of the Orville says
that none of us are real--
we're all cartoon characters.
Not real? What-what the hell
are you talking about?
He's right, Lois.
Uh, my name's Alex Borstein,
and I do your voice on the show.
Are you saying the rough-edged
comedy manager
from The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel
does my voice?
I'm so honored.
I love that show.
You are hilarious.
Yeah, Seth Green
already did this bit.
So, you're really saying
that we don't exist?
Peter, I-I'm not even sure
what this means,
but it sure makes it
seem less important
how much money you make
compared to me
or that maybe
you neglected to tell me
everything about your past.
Yeah, none of
that stuff matters.
You're right, Peter.
I love you,
and whatever we share,
whether it's real or not,
I don't want to give
any of it up.
Me, either.
It's safe and familiar
here with you.
So let's just bury our troubles
and cling to whatever this is.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you
about Philip Seymour Hoffman.
It's fine. None of that matters.
MacFARLANE:
Look, the truth is--
again, this is Seth,
not Brian--
the truth is,
you should all be thankful
you're animated characters.
Peter, you can drink
as much as you want,
and nothing bad
will ever happen.
Lois, you haven't aged
in decades.
Stewie, you get to travel
through time
and do things no baby
could ever do.
And, Brian, you've had sex
with more hot women
than a real dog
could ever reasonably expect.
Meg, I'll admit,
you got the shaft.
Your actual life is better
than your cartoon life.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I need all the real actors
to form a human shield around me
so I can get out of the building
without the American Dad people
seeing me.
Well, from now on, Peter,
- I'm not going any...
- Quiet!
My character's talking!
Honestly, Peter,
I don't know how you...
I know. That right there
was the main reason we split up.
...wiped out by
the German aphid,
which was oddly brought
by the Swedes
during the Great Depression--
which, for those of you
who are too young,
was like a decade-long case
of the Mondays.
Well, I'm guessing you folks
are from out of town, too.
I never got that joke.
Well, you guys, I guess we all
learned something
about not letting technology
rule our lives.
And, Mom, next time we get
baluster slats,
let's make sure there's enough
room to get our heads out.
Okay, thanks for watching this
outmoded form of entertainment.
Now let's all go around the horn
and say what our favorite part
of the episode was.
- Chris?
- Pass.
- Meg?
- Don't care.
Okay, Stewie's asleep,
and I can see Brian
driving away in his car.
And just so you know,
he doesn't drive a Prius
like you see on the show.
He actually drives a white,
convertible Mercedes.
Basically the car
a lady Realtor would drive.
Oh, animation producer
Shannon Smith,
I see you're still here.
You want to say something?
Thanks, Peter. Actually...
Oh, Fuzzy Door. Bye.
we got our own mural, huh?
Eh, don't get too excited.
You know who else has one?
- The Ox-Bow Incident.
- What is that?
Set in Bridger's Wells, Nevada
in 1885,
The Ox-Bow Incident is a tale
of cowboys, cattle and conflict.
If you guys could just
take a seat.
Okay, here we go.
♪ It seems today
that all you see... ♪
Okay, welcome to Family Guy
DVD commentary for episode 1614.
I'm Peter Griffin,
joined by my wife Lois,
our dog Brian,
and our children,
Meg, Stewie and Chris.
And for you kids out there,
DVDs were plastic discs...
I-I got this, Brian.
Have you ever been
at your grandmother's house
and you look at her weird,
old computer,
and there's, like,
a crack on the side of it?
That's DVDs.
Oh, and animation producer
Shannon Smith is here, too.
- Glad to be here.
- This is actually...
Oh, wait, wait. Look, look.
Lot of people don't know this,
but that house
is actually in Burbank.
People keep stealing
their mailbox.
We now return to
"Winona Ryder Distracting from
Other Speeches in History."
Four score
and seven years ago...
Wow, yeah, yeah,
I remember this.
Winona Ryder kind of hung out
on set all day,
and it, uh, wore a little thin
on all of us.
Yeah, I actually had to
close a door on her
at one point.
I-I just remember she stole
a ton of LUNA Bars
from the office kitchen.
Like-like, filled
a whole duffel bag.
Great news, everyone.
The new smartphone
from Crabapple is out.
The new Crabapple phone?
Awesome.
Yeah, the network
doesn't like us using
the names of actual companies
on the show.
It's not so bad, though.
We can still say Burger Kong,
McDarrel's, Kooka Cola,
Pipsi, Chevrolump
and all the big ones.
I want to be the first
to get the new phone.
I don't care
if it takes all day.
Don't you have work?
Eh, I wouldn't mind
missing work.
There's a secretary
looking for reassurance
about her overly short haircu.
I saw it in a magazine.
I needed a fresh start.
Stop pretending to stare
at your phones,
and just say you hate it.
Sir, I am trying to read.
Ah, the writer credits
have begun.
I'm gonna give personal facts
about each of the names
that pops up.
Mom, will you tie my shoes?
Smokes on
the no-smoking balcony.
Weird church guy.
Instagrams cowboy hats
at 3:00 a.m.
Pushed his wife at a party.
Oh, my God, Cherry's the best.
We love her.
Hi, Cherry. We love you.
Kids, time to gather up
our old cords and chargers
that no longer work
and throw them in the garbage.
We can't do that.
Don't you know a lot
of discarded electronics
end up in the ocean
and kill sea turtles?
Well, then let's cut out
the middleman.
I'm sorry.
There's a new phone.
That was cool.
I got to go to Fiji for that.
They got a ton of turtles there.
You can kill 'em, nobody cares.
Oh my gosh. I just got it.
Crab-apple.
Take a lap, Meg.
Think about what you said.
Hey. Gold phone is mine.
Already match fingernail.
Oh, this is where I fight
that woman for the phone.
I was here first!
That's mine!
You know, I actually
had a couple of ad-libs
about Chinese working conditions
that somehow didn't make it
into the final cut.
All you said was,
"Children make iPhones."
This is a comedy show,
not Mark Ruffalo's Twitter.
She wanted it more than me.
Take it easy, huh?
Peter, I'm just not sure
it's such a great idea
that everyone in the family
got a new cell phone.
Is that my bottle of water?
Wh-What?
That open bottle--
is that yours or mine?
I-I... I don't know.
Maybe yours?
This is why we need
a Sharpie in here
to put our names on our water!
Geez, Chris. What the hell?
Chris, relax. Have a Pipsi.
Good morning, everybod...
Damn it!
She's just gonna keep it like
that for the next three years.
You know, there's truth to that.
You-you can tell
a lot about a person
whose cell phone screen
is cracked.
Like-like, if they're a girl,
they definitely celebrate
their birth week.
Oh, yeah. Just trash.
Damn it, those phones have
turned you all
into mindless drones.
I knew this would happen.
Getting those things
was a worse idea than...
You know,
for an extra $12 a month,
you can insure your screen,
and they'll replace it for free.
Nice going, Meg.
You talked over the setup
of this cutaway,
and now we don't know
what's going on.
Looks like Nicki Minaj,
Iggy Azalea and Madonna
are robbing a bank.
Um... they're butt bandits?
"Ocean's 36-24-49?"
Oh, I remember.
They're all skanks.
"Getting new phones was a worse
idea than a skank robbery."
- Oh, yeah.
- Right, skank robbery.
I'm sorry, that's not funny.
Today's sermon
is about perseverance.
When I was run out of Boston
by the Spotlight team,
I could've hung up my collar.
Oh, my God. Again?
You guys have got
to put those away.
You can't be
on your phones in here.
Relax, Lois.
It's just stupid, boring
church.
Not like we're gonna
miss anything.
But instead, I packed my Bibles
and my Tootsie Pops
and headed down to Quahog.
With a renewed sense of spirit
and a renewed reverence for...
Jesus Christ?
Uh, guys, sorry to interrupt.
Danny the intern is here
with your paychecks.
Oh, thanks, Danny.
Hey, Chris,
here's your paycheck.
Yeah, that gets forwarded
right to DraftKings.
What's going on in there,
Ollie?
- He came back!
- How is he?
- Mad!
- Thanks, Ollie.
H-Hold on, Danny, it looks like
you accidentally
gave me Peter's check.
Wait. What the hell?
This number is four times
what I make.
- Peter, you always said
you made the same as me.
I'm sorry, Lois.
I couldn't hear you
over Meg's Snickers wrapper.
- What's this, now?
- I can't believe this, Peter.
Y-You lied to me.
Let's get out of here,
other altar boys.
This is bull crap.
I'm calling Fox
or Disney payroll right now.
Fox or Disney payroll.
- Yeah, hi. This is Lois Griff...
- Please hold.
Of course.
Yeah, Mom, that's not fair.
Meg is right. That's not fair.
Thank you for
continuing to hold.
...turn my family
into brain-dead robots.
In fact, you know what?
We're finally going
to Old Sturbridge Village.
Thank you for
continuing to hold.
...see what life was like
before all these screens.
A place where people farm
their own food,
make their own clothing
and read books...
Thank you for
continuing to hold.
Oh, come on, Lois,
you only want to go
to Old Sturbridge Village
'cause you once got
hand-blasted there
on a field trip.
Yes, let's just say
the candles
weren't the only thing
being hot-dipped.
- You see, Brian?
- That's how you do an ad-lib.
Went right in.
Thanks for holding.
How may I help you,
Mrs. Griffin?
Yeah, I'll tell you how.
You can explain to me
why my husband
makes four times
as much money as I do.
Oh, um... okay, this is awkward.
But I... I, um...
I assumed you knew.
Mr. Griffin was able
to negotiate a higher salary
because he's still paying
alimony to his first wife.
"First wife"? What?
Peter, you were married before?
We actually freelance
all our explosion animation.
Who are you again?
- I-I'm Shannon Smith.
- Shannon. Take a lap.
...never go to church.
How come you never told me
you were married before?
- I don't know.
- Just never came up.
- Never came up?!
- Well, who was she?
- Sarah Paulson.
- Who?
Wait, isn't she that actress
who's always biting her lip?
Her very full lip.
I honestly have no idea
who they're talking about.
Come on, Sarah Paulson's been
in a lot of stuff, Chris.
Okay, pulled her up on my phone.
Looks vaguely familiar.
But I would legitimately suggest
that people pause this right now
and Google her.
Wait. Wasn't Sarah Paulson
a guest star
in this exact episode?
Yeah, in fact,
she was in this O.J. gag.
Ah, look, Predator
just cut her head off.
Not for real, though.
For real, she's actually
coming into the booth right now
to be part of this commentary.
- Hi, everybody.
- So sorry I'm late.
I was stuck in the canyon.
Is... is that a euphemism
for lesbian sex?
- I don't think I've met everyone.
- I'm Sarah.
I understand you and Peter
used to be married.
Oh, that.
Feels like ancient history.
I like your shoulder blades,
Miss Paulson.
They're very... jutty.
Have a seat, Sarah.
Shall I explain
what we're doing here?
That's okay. It seems just like
when I would do ADR
for American Horror Story,
for which I have received
five Emmy nominations.
Well, some of us have awards,
some of us have children.
What's that supposed to mean?
Well, I don't know.
You're the smart award winner.
You figure it out.
Because this is a godless sho.
All right, I'll do it.
I'll pretend to be sick
to get out of going
to Old Sturbridge Village.
Mm, still 126.
Oh, I wish you were feeling
well enough to come.
Maybe I should stay home
and take care of you.
No. Go, Lois.
Go watch dead-eyed
pale women make bread.
So, Lois, what will you be
wearing to the Emmys this year?
I think you know
I won't be there.
I won a surfboard
at the Teen Choice Awards.
I left it in the kitchen
at work,
hoping someone would take it.
No one did.
...eat a meatball sub
and watch football all day.
Man, this is
an even better scam
than Ferris Bueller's Day On.
Okay, I need you to file these
and not be working
with a shampoo mohawk.
So, Sarah, I-I guess you chose
not to take Peter's name, huh?
Decided to stick with "Paulson"?
Yeah, his name just felt
kind of, I don't know,
rough, you know?
"Griffin."
Right?
Just sounds kind of brutish
and low-class.
I also won an Emmy for
my performance as Marcia Clark
in The People v. O.J. Simpson.
You won an Emmy
for wearing a wig.
Peter, may I speak
with you outside?
Oh, boy.
Uh-oh.
I think I'm stuck.
Oh, right, this is where
the fat man got stuck
in the banister slats.
Stewie, I'm gonna give you
another crack at that,
because I believe
what you meant to call them was
"baluster slats,"
not "banister slats."
- "Banister," "baluster."
- Same thing.
Stewie,
"banister" and "baluster"
are hardly the same things.
A banister is the handrail that
sits atop the upright supports.
A baluster is the
supporting structure itself.
- Is this my water?
- No, it is not!
Brian, I've heard people
say "banister slats."
Well, those people, like you,
would be incorrect.
So, the baluster is that
big, round thing
at the bottom of the stairs
- where the staircase begins?
- "Big, round thing"?
You're...
you're just guessing stuff now.
I believe what you're
referring to is a newel post.
Mom and Dad are still
out there arguing.
Shouldn't they be in here?
I'll get 'em.
Wasn't Shannon, like,
a P.A. here once?
Shut your mouth.
Shannon's the only professional
in this building.
...friends were getting married.
How could I
not know this?!
Hey, guys?
We have to deliver this episode
to the network today.
Oh, you guys are back
just in time for my big role.
Hey, take it down
a notch, Sarah.
You don't even have an entry
on the Family Guy wiki.
Even Gronk's dad has one.
Welcome to Old Sturbridge
Village, everyone.
Here's a fun fact.
In colonial times, butter
and soap were the same thing.
I get that it's a fact,
but how is it fun?
Oh, my God!
How the hell am I gonna
get out of this?
Shh. Nobody talk
for the next minute.
I'm about to sing my big song.
Oh, go to hell, Peter.
It's no use.
I guess I'm just stuck...
halfway down the stairs.
♪ Halfway down the stairs ♪
♪ Is a stair where I sit ♪
♪ There isn't any other stair ♪
♪ Quite like it... ♪
What the hell is this?
I'll tell you what it is:
an homage to a classic song
from The Muppet Show,
sung by Kermit's nephew, Robin.
I guarantee nobody got that.
I know this song.
Oh, shut up, Sarah!
♪ Where I always stop ♪
♪ Halfway up the stairs... ♪
I don't believe this.
You're just singing
the same song a frog sang.
How the hell was this
not cut from the show?
I kind of insisted they keep it.
I actually laid
in my parking space as a protest
until they gave in.
♪ And all sorts
of funny thoughts run... ♪
This is the stupidest thing
I've ever seen.
Um, are they setting up
a buffet lunch for us
after this?
No, I think it's just pizza.
Can we please just
listen to the song?
♪ Halfway down the stairs ♪
♪ Is a stair where I sit ♪
♪ There isn't any other stair ♪
♪ Quite like it ♪
♪ I'm not at the bottom ♪
♪ I'm not at the top... ♪
Are there even any jokes
in the song?
Do you not understand comedy?
It's a reference.
The joke is I'm singing it.
Sorry to break it to you--
that's not a joke.
Damn it, now it's over.
Thanks a lot, Lois.
You completely ruined it.
You better not take
that tone with me,
'cause this has been
one hell of a day.
First, I find out you make
four times what I do.
Then I find out
you were married before?
I mean, what else don't I know?
Well, if we're
being honest, Lois,
you're really bad at having sex
when I'm drunk.
It's like you don't even
enjoy it.
You're impossible!
Do not speak to the wicked.
Throw heads of cabbage
at him.
Damn it, Peter,
this is all your fault.
They're not even going to
explain how we all got stuck?
Season 16, ladies and gentlemen.
Suddenly, the family is stuck
in the banister slats.
Baluster.
Brian, seriously,.
I can get us out of here.
I'm good at
figuring things out.
Like when I figured out
the secret of business:
pointing at stuff
during meetings.
Peter, there's something
you don't know.
Chris might not even
be your son.
What?
I once slept with
Philip Seymour Hoffman.
You what?
These montage-style cutaway gags
provide the animators
the freedom
to go "beyond the page,"
as we say.
You slept with
Philip Seymour Hoffman?
I sure did.
It was in his trailer during
that tornado chasing movie.
And all I know is,
nine months later,
Chris is born.
Yay! I'm a bastard!
This scene reminds me
of the time
I was being honored
at the Kennedy Center...
Oh, baloney sandwich, Sarah!
Baloney sandwich!
In fact, you know what?!
I'm tired of it, Peter!
You're dishonest,
you're disrespectful,
and, frankly, I deserve better!
So... so what are you
saying, Lois?
I'm saying this marriage
is over.
Enjoy spending the rest
of your life alone,
and enjoy doing the show
without me, 'cause I quit!
...building a chair
with my male friends.
Yeah, I can't believe...
Hi. Shannon Smith again.
You know, if you need a new
Lois, I do a pretty good one.
Peter!
That was sad.
Well, that was unexpected.
Well, I really regret
confiscating
everyone's phones now.
How the hell
are we gonna get out of here?
I got no idea,
but we're in trouble.
Even more than when we were
literally in the game Trouble.
Welcome back to the DVD
commentary episode.
If you're just joining us,
Lois has stormed out
and announced that she's
quitting the show after learning
that Peter and Sarah Paulson
were once married.
She also said Chris's dad
might be Philip Seymour Hoffman.
More like See-less Hoffman
these days, right?
Hey, Patrick,
can we edit that out?
Yeah.
Okay, good, let's do that.
I don't see it.
Okay, there's also
a real rock
you can throw
through the glass.
I found the fake one.
Great.
Oh, thank God.
Can you get us out of...
Man, this is gonna be
easier than I thought.
- Wait, you're robbing us?
- Sure am.
And apparently,
I can take my sweet time.
Dad, I'm really worried
about Mom.
Should we maybe check on her?
Or be thinking about
a paternity test for Chris?
- You're right, Meg.
- This is awful.
You think your mother's
actually serious
about divorcing me
and quitting the show?
And what was all that stuff
about Chris not being my son?
That-that can't be true, right?
It's a burglar party!
Hey, remember the one day
that guy who plays the burglar
was on set, he was
passing out postcards
for his one-man show?
- So tacky.
- I went.
Wasn't bad. I think I sat
next to his girlfriend,
'cause she laughed
at everything.
I've got a package
for a... Brian Griffin.
I'm Brian Griffin.
Great. Sign here.
Thanks.
All right, you guys.
Who's ready to have some fun?
Hey, Brian,
they used your account
to buy a karaoke machine.
♪ Halfway down the stairs... ♪
And she said no one
would know that song.
Well, look.
The burglars know it.
Oh, you're kidding me.
They're doing my song.
♪ There isn't any other stair
quite like it... ♪
I-I gotta go find your mother,
talk some sense back into her.
SETH MacFARLANE:
No need, Peter.
Hi. Sorry to interrupt.
- Seth MacFarlane.
- Holy crap.
It's the mouse from Sing.
I'd recognize your voice
anywhere.
MacFARLANE:
Okay, settle down.
Mr. MacFarlane...
what are you doing here?
MacFARLANE:
I'm actually here to tell you
there's no need to talk sense
into Lois.
Or for a paternity test.
Or for anyone
to leave the show,
because none of you are real.
You're all TV characters
voiced by me,
Alex Borstein, Seth Green
and Mila Kunis.
- Hey.
- Hey, what's up?
- Hi, everybody.
- Wait. What?
Okay, ha-hang on a second.
If I'm not real,
then why does a fat nerd
pretend to be me
at every Comic-Con?
MacFARLANE:
Please, please don't
mention him.
- It'll only encourage him.
- And if you're me,
then why do you sound
like my dog?
MacFARLANE:
Because I'm also the voice
of your dog, Brian.
Wait. You do my voice, too?
MacFARLANE:
Yeah, I do your voice.
So, the guy who handles
your money,
he knows you by voice, right?
That's usually just a call.
- Wait a second.
- If Dad's not real,
then he's not really my dad,
which means I'm not real?
That's right, Meg.
You're voiced by me, Mila Kunis.
Okay, question:
Why is the girl who voices me
super hot and I'm not?
Aw, that's so sweet.
You know, believe it or not,
I've actually had two kids.
Um, Ms. Kunis, I would just
like you to know
that I have no problem with you
breastfeeding in this booth.
May I ask
if you're still producing?
Uh, I, uh... no, uh, Chris,
I'm-I'm not, uh...
uh, producing.
- What about you, Miss Paulson?
- Are you producing?
I can see coming here
was a mistake.
Excuse me, Seth Green...
- Chris, I'm a man.
- I-I can't produce.
Actually, I just wanted to say
I enjoy your brilliant work
on Robot Chicken.
MacFARLANE:
Wait, Seth Green,
are you feeding yourself
compliments now?
Well, let's just hear Chris out.
MacFARLANE:
Okay, you know what?
We're getting off track here.
Like I was saying,
none of you actually exists.
Yes, you keep saying that.
Stop telling such horrible lies.
Oh, Seth, since you're here,
would you mind recording
episodes 1714, 15, 16,
and an NFL on Fox promo?
MacFARLANE:
Shannon, take a lap.
Oh, hey, look.
- Mom's back.
- Don't get excited.
I forgot my paycheck.
Lois, you can't leave the show.
Oh, yeah? Why not?
Well, the captain
of the Orville says
that none of us are real--
we're all cartoon characters.
Not real? What-what the hell
are you talking about?
He's right, Lois.
Uh, my name's Alex Borstein,
and I do your voice on the show.
Are you saying the rough-edged
comedy manager
from The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel
does my voice?
I'm so honored.
I love that show.
You are hilarious.
Yeah, Seth Green
already did this bit.
So, you're really saying
that we don't exist?
Peter, I-I'm not even sure
what this means,
but it sure makes it
seem less important
how much money you make
compared to me
or that maybe
you neglected to tell me
everything about your past.
Yeah, none of
that stuff matters.
You're right, Peter.
I love you,
and whatever we share,
whether it's real or not,
I don't want to give
any of it up.
Me, either.
It's safe and familiar
here with you.
So let's just bury our troubles
and cling to whatever this is.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you
about Philip Seymour Hoffman.
It's fine. None of that matters.
MacFARLANE:
Look, the truth is--
again, this is Seth,
not Brian--
the truth is,
you should all be thankful
you're animated characters.
Peter, you can drink
as much as you want,
and nothing bad
will ever happen.
Lois, you haven't aged
in decades.
Stewie, you get to travel
through time
and do things no baby
could ever do.
And, Brian, you've had sex
with more hot women
than a real dog
could ever reasonably expect.
Meg, I'll admit,
you got the shaft.
Your actual life is better
than your cartoon life.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I need all the real actors
to form a human shield around me
so I can get out of the building
without the American Dad people
seeing me.
Well, from now on, Peter,
- I'm not going any...
- Quiet!
My character's talking!
Honestly, Peter,
I don't know how you...
I know. That right there
was the main reason we split up.
...wiped out by
the German aphid,
which was oddly brought
by the Swedes
during the Great Depression--
which, for those of you
who are too young,
was like a decade-long case
of the Mondays.
Well, I'm guessing you folks
are from out of town, too.
I never got that joke.
Well, you guys, I guess we all
learned something
about not letting technology
rule our lives.
And, Mom, next time we get
baluster slats,
let's make sure there's enough
room to get our heads out.
Okay, thanks for watching this
outmoded form of entertainment.
Now let's all go around the horn
and say what our favorite part
of the episode was.
- Chris?
- Pass.
- Meg?
- Don't care.
Okay, Stewie's asleep,
and I can see Brian
driving away in his car.
And just so you know,
he doesn't drive a Prius
like you see on the show.
He actually drives a white,
convertible Mercedes.
Basically the car
a lady Realtor would drive.
Oh, animation producer
Shannon Smith,
I see you're still here.
You want to say something?
Thanks, Peter. Actually...
Oh, Fuzzy Door. Bye.