Family Guy (1998–…): Season 17, Episode 14 - Episode #17.14 - full transcript
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
♪ All the things that make us ♪
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
Hold the door.
Great. It's that guy I only have
one thing in common with.
Hey, Peter. How about
that gay encounter we had?
God, every time with this guy.
I'm gonna take the stairs.
Oh, my God, I'm never gonna
get up these stairs.
Okay, it's all right.
I do this every week
in the opening credits.
All right, let's see.
How does that go?
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
♪ Lucky there's... a man who ♪
♪ Positively can do ♪
♪ All the things
that make us... ♪
I swear he says the F-word.
Everything hurts.
Everything's wet.
I'm just gonna stay here.
Was Labyrinth a good movie?
I can't remember.
I don't want to watch it again,
though.
Seems like a chore.
Aw, even Slinky from Accounting
can make it up the stairs.
Don't forget to turn in
your time card, Peter.
What are you, allergic to money?
Ha ha. No.
No, I want to get paid.
Just forgot.
Ugh, look at me.
I haven't felt this out of shape
since I took surfing lessons.
Boy, this is harder
than I thought.
My arms are getting
really tired.
Nah, you're fine.
Just keep goin'.
Tai, your positivity
is infectious!
All right, P-Town,
wave comin' in.
I'm just gonna give you a little
push, and you just stand up.
Okay, so, welcome
to the first meeting
of our women's
creative writing workshop.
Ladies.
Okay, Donna,
you want to read yours?
Oh, I didn't do mine.
Wha...? Well, then you can't
have any more snacks.
You just can't!
Well, I guess it's my turn.
"Louise lowered her velvet hood,
"letting loose
her flowing red hair.
"Ignoring her friends' obvious
and understandable envy,
"she confidently approached
the mysterious castle.
"The doors blew open,
"as if some magical force
had been expecting her.
"Louise belonged here,
"if only because this is where
Horatio called home.
"Then, through the vegetation,
and past the mist
"that sprinkled
her heaving bosom, she saw him.
"Horatio, with his long, flowing
hair blowing in the breeze,
"his cape fluttering.
"He had only two loves
"in his life: his horses
and Louise's heaving bosom.
"He grabbed her tighter than
she'd ever been held before.
"A way in which her husband,
Paulter, had not held her
"since before
they were married.
"Horatio then took Louise
by the hand,
"leading her out to his stables
as her bosom heaved.
"Louise's mind was racing
in anticipation
"of the dirty hay sex that was
gonna most definitely happen.
"As the two lovers
entangled into one
"atop the probably peed-on hay,
"Louise's bosom heaved.
"They spent the next 18 minutes
"fighting off sneezes,
in the throes of ecstasy.
Heaving bosom."
- Damn, that's steamy, Lois.
- Really?
Uh, yeah, really. Phew!
Anybody mind if I open me?
Ah!
See you in the shower, ladies.
What am I gonna do?
I've been here all day,
and I can't move.
I got it. I'll do what
James Franco did in 127 Hours.
UCLA admissions office.
Yes, I'd like to enroll
in a couple of classes,
so I can have sex with girls
not old enough to get into bars.
Peter!
I heard you're in some trouble!
I'm stuck!
I don't want to die here!
I just want to go to
my desk and surf the Internet.
Hang on, Peter.
I'll come up and save you.
Stairs.
Why'd it have to be stairs?
I can't do it. Here, you're just
gonna have to kill me.
Wait. Look, Joe.
A lever to turn the stairs
into a slide.
Damn it, Peter!
It's just a little water.
What's it gonna hurt?
Oh, God!
Delete... history.
No.
No!
Peter, you caused millions of
dollars' worth of water damage,
all because you couldn't
make it up the stairs.
Aw, man.
This means I'm the work fatty.
I haven't been this embarrassed
since I forgot
about the silent part
in George Michael's "Faith."
♪ Well, I need someone
to hold me ♪
♪ But I wait
for something more ♪
I've started using these pills
called Stiff for Hours
from the gas station.
♪ 'Cause I got to have faith ♪
♪ Mmm, I got to have faith. ♪
♪ Dog walking into a room ♪
♪ There's food left
on the table ♪
♪ And owners aren't around. ♪
Just going to do
a little paws-on-the-table,
side-of-the-mouth dog eating.
A Stable Affair
by Lois Griffin.
Okay, another writer
in the house.
Oh, my God, this is amazing!
This is basically a guide
to what Lois is looking for
in a lover.
Check this out.
Lois is writing a romance novel
about a woman
who is unhappy with her husband
and begins
to have a torrid affair
with a caped lover
who has horses.
Don't you know what this is?
It's a description
of her every fantasy and desire.
This could finally
be my key to...
To what, banging my mom?
You know, you are the worst.
Ladies.
Ugh! You guys,
this is so embarrassing.
All this happened
because I'm too fat
to make it up some stairs.
Peter, you got to lose weight.
I know. You guys got
to help me, though.
I can't do it on my own.
I'm too weak.
All right,
we'll help you, Peter,
but we're doing it
Quagsberry rules.
What's that?
A woman--
or in this case, a man--
has to do anything I say,
no questions asked.
Anything, I promise.
My dearest Lois,
I've taken Quagmire's place
as a Union soldier
in the Civil War.
Shortly after I arrived,
they amputated my leg.
I dared them to,
and it was a big mistake.
The other guy in my tent
is a wet dead guy.
Yours, Peter.
All right, Peter, today we start
helping you lose weight.
First, let me just make sure
you're not hiding any food
in your clothes.
Taste. Taste. Taste the rainbow.
Peter, are you hiding Skittles
in your pants?
Is that all of 'em?
Just-just give me a second.
When I turned about 40,
it started breaking up into two.
Weekend plans?
Please don't talk to me.
I need to focus.
Good morrow!
What is thee, uh, up to?
Brian, is that your horse?
Wh-When did you get a horse?
Oh, I've been an Equus
for a while.
The play
with Harry Potter's penis?
Just my trusty steed here.
We have a special connection.
Me being an equestrianist
and everything.
I-I had no idea
you were into horses.
Sexy, huh?
No, seems like a hassle,
and expensive.
How do you pay for it all?
Well, the costs are meager
when you're able to dominate
and control the beast with
just... the slightest glance.
Stop it.
Ha, ha! What?!
This is nuts!
Anyway, I've been speaking to
my horse in the silent language
of knowing, and I...
Never walk behind a horse.
You would have to hate horses
not to know that.
...being one with nature.
A mutual bond of trust.
Different species, same heart.
You're dethspicable.
Welcome to CrossFit, Peter.
How's it different
from a regular gym?
Do regular gyms have
open garage doors
where members' large dogs
can charge innocent civilians?
No, I... I guess not.
Okay, to start,
why don't you go meet the owner,
Jayce, over there?
He'll help maximize
your nutrition regimen.
Hi, I'm Peter.
Hey, man. Jayce with a "Y."
Yeah, I figured.
So, to start out, like, uh,
tell me, what's
your favorite kind of food?
Pizza.
- Oh, man.
- What?
You, uh...
y-you can't eat pizza.
Why not?
It's, uh-- it's...
uh, it's...
it's bad.
Why?
Because, uh, it's, like, uh...
pretty bad for you.
But what makes it bad?
Oh.
Yeah, no, it's, like, uh...
like, probably one
of the worst things you can eat.
How come?
Uh, uh, because, of, like,
the ingredients in it.
Which ones?
Uh, I mean, yeah, like,
basically, all of them.
Name one.
Yeah, I-- yeah, I mean...
you said-- your-your words,
uh...
pizza.
All right,
I'm cutting this off right now.
It's clear you're an idiot
and deserve no more of my time.
Oh, Peter,
you're home from CrossFit.
Here, have some pizza.
Oh.
Uh, you know what is in that?
It's, like...
- It's very bad.
- What?
Uh, wow.
Okay, Peter,
a good and conspicuous workout
is to do lunges on the sidewalk.
Just do like I do.
- Step.
- Uh-huh.
- Step. Step.
- Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
- Step.
- Uh-huh.
- Step. Step.
- Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
- Step.
- Uh-huh.
- Step. Step.
- Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Step.
- Step.
- Uh-huh.
- Step.
- Uh-huh.
- Step. Step.
- Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Step. Step.
Step.
Step. Step.
Okay, Peter, whatever you do,
don't look down the hole.
Oh, God!
I looked down the hole!
Oh! I got a sense
of what's down there!
Okay, okay. All right,
you can still save this.
Just don't smell.
Oh, God! I smelled everything!
Oh, it's so deep in my nose!
Okay, okay, whatever you do,
do not dip your cupped hand
in the water.
Oh, God! I'm doing it!
Oh, God!
What is wrong with me?!
The chemicals in the water
are not breaking down
the integrity
of these movements!
Okay, Peter,
you can quit pretending.
- The workout's over.
- Thanks.
I was just in there
checking my phone.
My phone!
Okay, Peter,
whatever you do,
do not open your eyes
underwater.
What the hell?
I thought we were gonna get
a ten-dollar scoop of ice cream
with all the millennials
who can afford
ten-dollar scoops of ice cream
but can't afford to move out
of their parents' house.
We are. But first
I need to pick up this wine
that Lois mentioned
in her story.
Where's that part
about the wine?
"The doors magically opened."
"Chill came over her."
"Through the vegetation."
"Light mist."
Uh, Brian, everything you read
just happened to us.
I think her book
is about the grocery store.
Oh... my... God.
What?
♪ ♪
It's the guy, Horatio,
from Lois's book.
She's fantasizing about having
an affair with this guy.
Or, who knows, maybe even
is having an affair with him.
Excuse me,
where are the crackers?
What? We don't work here.
We're a dog and a baby.
I-- do I-- do my, do my clothes
make it look like I work here?
I think it's the overalls, yeah.
Hey, get back to work.
I'll see you back at home,
Brian.
I've got to finish my shift.
I don't get it.
You've gained 12 pounds.
Looks like we're gonna have
to take more drastic measures.
Peter, say you're
not gonna have sex with me.
- What?
- Just say it.
I'm not gonna have sex with you.
Guys, let me out of here!
No! You said you would do
whatever's necessary
to help you lose weight.
Please, let me out!
Glenn, is it okay
if I stay the night?
Rancor, what are you doing here?
I'm trying to diet, too.
Eating too many pig guys?
I thought it was the pig guys,
but, you know what,
it was the bread.
I'm so hungry!
Let me out!
I'll tell you what,
first guy that lets me out
gets his own spin-off.
Not you, Cleveland.
Sorry, Peter,
this is for your own good!
Yeah, you told us you would do
anything to lose weight!
I lied!
I just want to be free,
like a recently divorced man
with no kids!
This is nice.
This is better.
Stewie, I can't believe it.
I mean, do-do you think
Lois could be having an affair
with this Horatio guy?
Brian, will you watch Stewie?
I have to go get groceries
and won't be back
until later tonight.
Uh, yeah, sure!
Oh, my God, Stewie,
she's going to the store
and won't be back until tonight?
Do you know what that means?
Disguises?
No, but we should follow her and
see what the hell is going on.
Stewie-chan!
I'll meet you there, Brian.
I've got to finish my shift.
All right, Peter, now, I know
you haven't eaten in a while,
so this is something called
the Pocket Diet.
Okay, guys, empty your pockets.
Whatever you got in there,
he eats.
Uh, Glenn, can we go somewhere
and just talk for a minute?
Guys, stop saying things,
all right?
I will say the things!
Oh, my God.
He's getting in the car.
He's going in for a hug.
They're hugging!
This is insane!
I know. This guy.
This guy is a star.
I can't believe it, Stewie.
She picked him up.
They hugged.
Lois is having an affair!
We've got to stop them.
Aw, great.
Just great.
♪ ♪
Lois, don't do it!
Brian?
What the hell
are you doing here?
Don't do what?
Don't have sex with Horatio!
It's not worth it!
What are you talking about?
Look, I found your book
and read it.
I thought that you wrote
everything you were looking for
in a lover,
and, if I could embody some
of those things,
maybe I would have a shot
with you.
But then I found out
Horatio is real,
and-and I couldn't bear to see
you do something like this
to the family.
It's not you, Lois.
Wait, let me get this straight.
You, without asking,
read something I wrote?
Then, thinking I was revealing
all my most intimate wants
and desires,
you thought
that you could exploit
what you read to seduce me?
But when you thought
I might be cheating
with someone
other than yourself,
you found that, and only that,
morally objectionable?
And you bring Stewie here,
who doesn't understand any
of this?!
I predict, in the finale,
everyone can understand me.
That'd make a good finale,
right?
Brian, this is Horatio.
He's special.
I know you think he's special.
No, he's special.
He's learning disabled.
I like Coldplay.
- Ooh...
- Oh...
I'm not having an affair
with him, Brian.
I volunteered at the special
needs living facility,
and Horatio happened
to like horses.
So, once a week,
I take him to the stables.
And the cape is from a Darth
Vader costume he had as a kid.
Did you know he's the boss
of the stormtroopers?
Yes, I have fantasies
about him dominating me
with his idiot strength.
But it's just that--
a fantasy.
That's why I wrote it
in a story,
because I knew
that I would never act on it.
Ugh. I never thought a dog
could be such a genuine piece
of human garbage.
Lois,
I'm truly sorry
for what I thought.
It all just made sense to me
at the time.
But now that I see what it is,
I'm ashamed of myself.
I hope you can find it
in your heart...
Hey, Bri.
There's a good girl.
Joe and Cleveland,
are you ready to see
your new Peter?
What do you guys think?
I don't believe it.
I'm speechless.
Hey, look,
it's Jonah Hill sometimes!
Wow!
Looking good, Peter.
Yes. I might want me
a little taste of that.
Oh, well, Sheila, look out.
Be careful what you ask for,
'cause you never know--
I might--
Are-are you serious?
'Cause I will do this, 100%.
My wife's in, too.
I'll call her.
We'll do a whole thing.
Hey, Lois. I got a two-top.
Okay.
She's out, but I'm still in.
Boy, I got to admit,
I feel a little sheepish
to get so fooled
by a silly little book
that Lois wrote.
Yes, but, you know, I think
what we missed in all of this
is that Lois wrote a beginning,
middle, and end to something.
What have you written lately,
Brian?
Well, nothing,
but, you know, I think--
I think any writer knows
how hard it is
to be staring
at that blank page.
Sounds like
you did write something,
your career's obituary.
Well, that's our dog and baby!
Hi, this is Chris Griffin.
Boy, Lois had some
amorous adventures this week.
But you know
what really turns me on?
Reading.
Why don't you get yourself
down to the library
and open up a book!
Here's a few
of my favorite books.
J.D. Salinger's
Catcher in the Rye.
The Kite Runner
by Khaled Hosseini.
And, of course,
The Dirt by Motley Crue.
Seriously, read The Dirt.
They snort a row of live ants
like cocaine.
Remember, kids,
a library card is free,
but knowledge is priceless.
Get that Dirt book.
that all you see ♪
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
♪ All the things that make us ♪
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
Hold the door.
Great. It's that guy I only have
one thing in common with.
Hey, Peter. How about
that gay encounter we had?
God, every time with this guy.
I'm gonna take the stairs.
Oh, my God, I'm never gonna
get up these stairs.
Okay, it's all right.
I do this every week
in the opening credits.
All right, let's see.
How does that go?
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
♪ Lucky there's... a man who ♪
♪ Positively can do ♪
♪ All the things
that make us... ♪
I swear he says the F-word.
Everything hurts.
Everything's wet.
I'm just gonna stay here.
Was Labyrinth a good movie?
I can't remember.
I don't want to watch it again,
though.
Seems like a chore.
Aw, even Slinky from Accounting
can make it up the stairs.
Don't forget to turn in
your time card, Peter.
What are you, allergic to money?
Ha ha. No.
No, I want to get paid.
Just forgot.
Ugh, look at me.
I haven't felt this out of shape
since I took surfing lessons.
Boy, this is harder
than I thought.
My arms are getting
really tired.
Nah, you're fine.
Just keep goin'.
Tai, your positivity
is infectious!
All right, P-Town,
wave comin' in.
I'm just gonna give you a little
push, and you just stand up.
Okay, so, welcome
to the first meeting
of our women's
creative writing workshop.
Ladies.
Okay, Donna,
you want to read yours?
Oh, I didn't do mine.
Wha...? Well, then you can't
have any more snacks.
You just can't!
Well, I guess it's my turn.
"Louise lowered her velvet hood,
"letting loose
her flowing red hair.
"Ignoring her friends' obvious
and understandable envy,
"she confidently approached
the mysterious castle.
"The doors blew open,
"as if some magical force
had been expecting her.
"Louise belonged here,
"if only because this is where
Horatio called home.
"Then, through the vegetation,
and past the mist
"that sprinkled
her heaving bosom, she saw him.
"Horatio, with his long, flowing
hair blowing in the breeze,
"his cape fluttering.
"He had only two loves
"in his life: his horses
and Louise's heaving bosom.
"He grabbed her tighter than
she'd ever been held before.
"A way in which her husband,
Paulter, had not held her
"since before
they were married.
"Horatio then took Louise
by the hand,
"leading her out to his stables
as her bosom heaved.
"Louise's mind was racing
in anticipation
"of the dirty hay sex that was
gonna most definitely happen.
"As the two lovers
entangled into one
"atop the probably peed-on hay,
"Louise's bosom heaved.
"They spent the next 18 minutes
"fighting off sneezes,
in the throes of ecstasy.
Heaving bosom."
- Damn, that's steamy, Lois.
- Really?
Uh, yeah, really. Phew!
Anybody mind if I open me?
Ah!
See you in the shower, ladies.
What am I gonna do?
I've been here all day,
and I can't move.
I got it. I'll do what
James Franco did in 127 Hours.
UCLA admissions office.
Yes, I'd like to enroll
in a couple of classes,
so I can have sex with girls
not old enough to get into bars.
Peter!
I heard you're in some trouble!
I'm stuck!
I don't want to die here!
I just want to go to
my desk and surf the Internet.
Hang on, Peter.
I'll come up and save you.
Stairs.
Why'd it have to be stairs?
I can't do it. Here, you're just
gonna have to kill me.
Wait. Look, Joe.
A lever to turn the stairs
into a slide.
Damn it, Peter!
It's just a little water.
What's it gonna hurt?
Oh, God!
Delete... history.
No.
No!
Peter, you caused millions of
dollars' worth of water damage,
all because you couldn't
make it up the stairs.
Aw, man.
This means I'm the work fatty.
I haven't been this embarrassed
since I forgot
about the silent part
in George Michael's "Faith."
♪ Well, I need someone
to hold me ♪
♪ But I wait
for something more ♪
I've started using these pills
called Stiff for Hours
from the gas station.
♪ 'Cause I got to have faith ♪
♪ Mmm, I got to have faith. ♪
♪ Dog walking into a room ♪
♪ There's food left
on the table ♪
♪ And owners aren't around. ♪
Just going to do
a little paws-on-the-table,
side-of-the-mouth dog eating.
A Stable Affair
by Lois Griffin.
Okay, another writer
in the house.
Oh, my God, this is amazing!
This is basically a guide
to what Lois is looking for
in a lover.
Check this out.
Lois is writing a romance novel
about a woman
who is unhappy with her husband
and begins
to have a torrid affair
with a caped lover
who has horses.
Don't you know what this is?
It's a description
of her every fantasy and desire.
This could finally
be my key to...
To what, banging my mom?
You know, you are the worst.
Ladies.
Ugh! You guys,
this is so embarrassing.
All this happened
because I'm too fat
to make it up some stairs.
Peter, you got to lose weight.
I know. You guys got
to help me, though.
I can't do it on my own.
I'm too weak.
All right,
we'll help you, Peter,
but we're doing it
Quagsberry rules.
What's that?
A woman--
or in this case, a man--
has to do anything I say,
no questions asked.
Anything, I promise.
My dearest Lois,
I've taken Quagmire's place
as a Union soldier
in the Civil War.
Shortly after I arrived,
they amputated my leg.
I dared them to,
and it was a big mistake.
The other guy in my tent
is a wet dead guy.
Yours, Peter.
All right, Peter, today we start
helping you lose weight.
First, let me just make sure
you're not hiding any food
in your clothes.
Taste. Taste. Taste the rainbow.
Peter, are you hiding Skittles
in your pants?
Is that all of 'em?
Just-just give me a second.
When I turned about 40,
it started breaking up into two.
Weekend plans?
Please don't talk to me.
I need to focus.
Good morrow!
What is thee, uh, up to?
Brian, is that your horse?
Wh-When did you get a horse?
Oh, I've been an Equus
for a while.
The play
with Harry Potter's penis?
Just my trusty steed here.
We have a special connection.
Me being an equestrianist
and everything.
I-I had no idea
you were into horses.
Sexy, huh?
No, seems like a hassle,
and expensive.
How do you pay for it all?
Well, the costs are meager
when you're able to dominate
and control the beast with
just... the slightest glance.
Stop it.
Ha, ha! What?!
This is nuts!
Anyway, I've been speaking to
my horse in the silent language
of knowing, and I...
Never walk behind a horse.
You would have to hate horses
not to know that.
...being one with nature.
A mutual bond of trust.
Different species, same heart.
You're dethspicable.
Welcome to CrossFit, Peter.
How's it different
from a regular gym?
Do regular gyms have
open garage doors
where members' large dogs
can charge innocent civilians?
No, I... I guess not.
Okay, to start,
why don't you go meet the owner,
Jayce, over there?
He'll help maximize
your nutrition regimen.
Hi, I'm Peter.
Hey, man. Jayce with a "Y."
Yeah, I figured.
So, to start out, like, uh,
tell me, what's
your favorite kind of food?
Pizza.
- Oh, man.
- What?
You, uh...
y-you can't eat pizza.
Why not?
It's, uh-- it's...
uh, it's...
it's bad.
Why?
Because, uh, it's, like, uh...
pretty bad for you.
But what makes it bad?
Oh.
Yeah, no, it's, like, uh...
like, probably one
of the worst things you can eat.
How come?
Uh, uh, because, of, like,
the ingredients in it.
Which ones?
Uh, I mean, yeah, like,
basically, all of them.
Name one.
Yeah, I-- yeah, I mean...
you said-- your-your words,
uh...
pizza.
All right,
I'm cutting this off right now.
It's clear you're an idiot
and deserve no more of my time.
Oh, Peter,
you're home from CrossFit.
Here, have some pizza.
Oh.
Uh, you know what is in that?
It's, like...
- It's very bad.
- What?
Uh, wow.
Okay, Peter,
a good and conspicuous workout
is to do lunges on the sidewalk.
Just do like I do.
- Step.
- Uh-huh.
- Step. Step.
- Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
- Step.
- Uh-huh.
- Step. Step.
- Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
- Step.
- Uh-huh.
- Step. Step.
- Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Step.
- Step.
- Uh-huh.
- Step.
- Uh-huh.
- Step. Step.
- Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Step. Step.
Step.
Step. Step.
Okay, Peter, whatever you do,
don't look down the hole.
Oh, God!
I looked down the hole!
Oh! I got a sense
of what's down there!
Okay, okay. All right,
you can still save this.
Just don't smell.
Oh, God! I smelled everything!
Oh, it's so deep in my nose!
Okay, okay, whatever you do,
do not dip your cupped hand
in the water.
Oh, God! I'm doing it!
Oh, God!
What is wrong with me?!
The chemicals in the water
are not breaking down
the integrity
of these movements!
Okay, Peter,
you can quit pretending.
- The workout's over.
- Thanks.
I was just in there
checking my phone.
My phone!
Okay, Peter,
whatever you do,
do not open your eyes
underwater.
What the hell?
I thought we were gonna get
a ten-dollar scoop of ice cream
with all the millennials
who can afford
ten-dollar scoops of ice cream
but can't afford to move out
of their parents' house.
We are. But first
I need to pick up this wine
that Lois mentioned
in her story.
Where's that part
about the wine?
"The doors magically opened."
"Chill came over her."
"Through the vegetation."
"Light mist."
Uh, Brian, everything you read
just happened to us.
I think her book
is about the grocery store.
Oh... my... God.
What?
♪ ♪
It's the guy, Horatio,
from Lois's book.
She's fantasizing about having
an affair with this guy.
Or, who knows, maybe even
is having an affair with him.
Excuse me,
where are the crackers?
What? We don't work here.
We're a dog and a baby.
I-- do I-- do my, do my clothes
make it look like I work here?
I think it's the overalls, yeah.
Hey, get back to work.
I'll see you back at home,
Brian.
I've got to finish my shift.
I don't get it.
You've gained 12 pounds.
Looks like we're gonna have
to take more drastic measures.
Peter, say you're
not gonna have sex with me.
- What?
- Just say it.
I'm not gonna have sex with you.
Guys, let me out of here!
No! You said you would do
whatever's necessary
to help you lose weight.
Please, let me out!
Glenn, is it okay
if I stay the night?
Rancor, what are you doing here?
I'm trying to diet, too.
Eating too many pig guys?
I thought it was the pig guys,
but, you know what,
it was the bread.
I'm so hungry!
Let me out!
I'll tell you what,
first guy that lets me out
gets his own spin-off.
Not you, Cleveland.
Sorry, Peter,
this is for your own good!
Yeah, you told us you would do
anything to lose weight!
I lied!
I just want to be free,
like a recently divorced man
with no kids!
This is nice.
This is better.
Stewie, I can't believe it.
I mean, do-do you think
Lois could be having an affair
with this Horatio guy?
Brian, will you watch Stewie?
I have to go get groceries
and won't be back
until later tonight.
Uh, yeah, sure!
Oh, my God, Stewie,
she's going to the store
and won't be back until tonight?
Do you know what that means?
Disguises?
No, but we should follow her and
see what the hell is going on.
Stewie-chan!
I'll meet you there, Brian.
I've got to finish my shift.
All right, Peter, now, I know
you haven't eaten in a while,
so this is something called
the Pocket Diet.
Okay, guys, empty your pockets.
Whatever you got in there,
he eats.
Uh, Glenn, can we go somewhere
and just talk for a minute?
Guys, stop saying things,
all right?
I will say the things!
Oh, my God.
He's getting in the car.
He's going in for a hug.
They're hugging!
This is insane!
I know. This guy.
This guy is a star.
I can't believe it, Stewie.
She picked him up.
They hugged.
Lois is having an affair!
We've got to stop them.
Aw, great.
Just great.
♪ ♪
Lois, don't do it!
Brian?
What the hell
are you doing here?
Don't do what?
Don't have sex with Horatio!
It's not worth it!
What are you talking about?
Look, I found your book
and read it.
I thought that you wrote
everything you were looking for
in a lover,
and, if I could embody some
of those things,
maybe I would have a shot
with you.
But then I found out
Horatio is real,
and-and I couldn't bear to see
you do something like this
to the family.
It's not you, Lois.
Wait, let me get this straight.
You, without asking,
read something I wrote?
Then, thinking I was revealing
all my most intimate wants
and desires,
you thought
that you could exploit
what you read to seduce me?
But when you thought
I might be cheating
with someone
other than yourself,
you found that, and only that,
morally objectionable?
And you bring Stewie here,
who doesn't understand any
of this?!
I predict, in the finale,
everyone can understand me.
That'd make a good finale,
right?
Brian, this is Horatio.
He's special.
I know you think he's special.
No, he's special.
He's learning disabled.
I like Coldplay.
- Ooh...
- Oh...
I'm not having an affair
with him, Brian.
I volunteered at the special
needs living facility,
and Horatio happened
to like horses.
So, once a week,
I take him to the stables.
And the cape is from a Darth
Vader costume he had as a kid.
Did you know he's the boss
of the stormtroopers?
Yes, I have fantasies
about him dominating me
with his idiot strength.
But it's just that--
a fantasy.
That's why I wrote it
in a story,
because I knew
that I would never act on it.
Ugh. I never thought a dog
could be such a genuine piece
of human garbage.
Lois,
I'm truly sorry
for what I thought.
It all just made sense to me
at the time.
But now that I see what it is,
I'm ashamed of myself.
I hope you can find it
in your heart...
Hey, Bri.
There's a good girl.
Joe and Cleveland,
are you ready to see
your new Peter?
What do you guys think?
I don't believe it.
I'm speechless.
Hey, look,
it's Jonah Hill sometimes!
Wow!
Looking good, Peter.
Yes. I might want me
a little taste of that.
Oh, well, Sheila, look out.
Be careful what you ask for,
'cause you never know--
I might--
Are-are you serious?
'Cause I will do this, 100%.
My wife's in, too.
I'll call her.
We'll do a whole thing.
Hey, Lois. I got a two-top.
Okay.
She's out, but I'm still in.
Boy, I got to admit,
I feel a little sheepish
to get so fooled
by a silly little book
that Lois wrote.
Yes, but, you know, I think
what we missed in all of this
is that Lois wrote a beginning,
middle, and end to something.
What have you written lately,
Brian?
Well, nothing,
but, you know, I think--
I think any writer knows
how hard it is
to be staring
at that blank page.
Sounds like
you did write something,
your career's obituary.
Well, that's our dog and baby!
Hi, this is Chris Griffin.
Boy, Lois had some
amorous adventures this week.
But you know
what really turns me on?
Reading.
Why don't you get yourself
down to the library
and open up a book!
Here's a few
of my favorite books.
J.D. Salinger's
Catcher in the Rye.
The Kite Runner
by Khaled Hosseini.
And, of course,
The Dirt by Motley Crue.
Seriously, read The Dirt.
They snort a row of live ants
like cocaine.
Remember, kids,
a library card is free,
but knowledge is priceless.
Get that Dirt book.