Family Guy (1998–…): Season 16, Episode 9 - Don't Be a Dickens at Christmas - full transcript
Peter is visited by the ghosts of Christmas past, present and future, who take him on a journey around Quahog.
♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
♪ But where are those good
old-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
♪ All the things that make us ♪
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
All right, everyone.
Because today is Christmas Eve...
♪ School's out... ♪
Not yet, Griffin.
I thought it might be a nice treat to...
♪ School's out... ♪
Griffin!
Thank you.
To let everyone leave
a little bit earl...
♪ School's out for ♪
- ♪ Summer. ♪
- Christmas!
Fine. Everybody have a nice holiday.
(BLEEP), teach.
♪ Out forever ♪
See you at the moon tower.
You know it!
Hey, Wooderson, see you
at the moon tower?
Nah. I'm just gonna drive
around in my Lincoln.
Weird people out.
Bells on bobtail
ring, making spirits bright.
Oh, what fun to laugh and sing
a sleighing song tonight.
Jingle bells. Jingle bells.
Jingle all the way.
Oh, what fun it is to ride
in a Lincoln AKZ.
The Family
Guy Christmas Special,
brought to you by Lincoln.
Lincoln. What are we doing?
Oh, I love this time of year.
You know, Chris, you and
your stillborn twin Tmas
were named after Christmas.
I see the kids put their
gifts under the tree.
Brian, I don't think you've
put yours there yet.
Well, as we know, the true
spirit of the holiday
is one of giving.
So, I've signed all of us
up to volunteer tomorrow
at a homeless shelter.
That's your present.
What?!
Last year, you wrote us a freaking poem,
and now this?!
I thought the poem was lovely.
Now, hold on.
I think that's actually a
wonderful idea, Brian.
It'll be good for the kids.
Nothing reminds you more of
what you have than watching
a grown man poo right through
the split in his pants.
Now, let's finish decorating
before your father gets home.
Okay. I'll put the Kanye
Canes in the stockings.
You know, it's just like,
you know, music and fashion, all that...
You know I can't be stopped.
Whatever I do, you know, I just
want to be the best, because
The best is never enough.
Mark Zuckerberg promised
he'd give me $50 million, fam, but then
He welched and I'm penniless.
♪ Kanye is the greatest ♪
♪ Kanye drops the latest ♪
♪ There can be no debatest ♪
♪ And Kanye got the status. ♪
The Family
Guy Christmas Special,
brought to you by
anthropomorphic candy canes.
Family Guy. What are we doing?
Dad's car is coming!
He's coming fast.
He can't wait to see us.
Get out of the road, you idiots!
And he's headed right to the bar.
The Clam's on the other side of town.
He went out of his way to do this.
We now return to
"'Twas the Night Before Christmas,"
as read by Norm Macdonald.
"'Twas the night before Christmas..."
W-Wait, "'twas"? What's "'twas"?
Is that short for "it was"?
What kind of rush are you in, man,
you can't just say "it was"?
Oh, you saved a lot
of time there, fella.
Oh, don't come at me with
that "it was" stuff.
I got things to do.
Got to get down to the donut shop.
You know, two days ago, I was
at the donut shop, and I said,
"Hey, donut guy, you got
anything warm back there?"
He says, "Try the fritters. They were."
"They were"?
What does that even mean, "they were"?
You must mean "'twere"!
The fritters "'twere" warm.
What's that? We're out of time?
Oh.
I'm fired?
Hey, you know, uh, O. J. Simpsn
is a wife-beating murderer, right?
Oh, right, was.
'Twas!
Well, I got to get home.
Every year, we gather round
and play "O Holy Night"
from our favorite holiday album,
A Very Slow Christmas with Peabo Bryson.
♪ O... ♪
♪ Holy... ♪
Well, I suppose I better get out of here
before that overenthusiastic
group of carolers
makes their way in here.
♪ Have you heard the story ♪
♪ That they're telling
'bout Bethlehem? ♪
♪ Have you heard the story
of the Jesus child? ♪
Aw, too late! Let's head out the back!
♪ How he came from heaven and
was born in a manger bed ♪
- To the windows!
- ♪ Mary was his virgin mother ♪
♪ Pure and mild ♪
Oh, my God, they got Quagmire!
♪ Sing hallelujah, sing hallelujah ♪
♪ Worship the Jesus child and
praise his mother mild. ♪
Coming
this holiday season,
it's Star Blizzard!
Using laser technology
to shower your home
in a blizzard of dazzling lights!
So much easier than
stringing Christmas lights.
I can light up my whole house
for just pennies a day.
I looked into it, and now I'm blind.
Honey, the house looks great!
Who's there?
Hey, Frank, could you turn that off?
My cat's freaking out.
Who's that now?
I don't know voices yet, I'm new-blind.
Star Blizzard.
Happy holidays, and just
don't look into it.
Oh, Peter, you're finally home.
Yup, just in time to
watch Patrick Swayze's
Christmas in Wonderland.
Well, before you sit down,
I just need you to do a couple things.
Okay, first, I need you to take down
last year's Christmas lights
and put up this year's Christmas lights.
Then I need you to get the
eggnog cups out of the attic
and bump your head on a low eave.
After that, take my
cousins to the airport
and pick up my other cousins
at a different, farther away airport.
Then shovel and salt the walk.
Then shovel and salt the driveway.
Then shovel and salt Mrs.
Whitaker's driveway.
She's 96 and has no one to help her.
We need four netted bags
of cinnamon pinecones.
Get the bags at Hobby Lobby
and the pinecones at Pier 1.
Next, inflate the giant snowman
and put it on our front lawn.
The pump's broken, so you'll
have to do it by mouth.
Then it's just laundry,
take out the trash,
and move the house a
little bit to the left.
Ugh. Can I do some of that tomorrow?
No, because tomorrow we're
going down to volunteer
- at the homeless shelter.
- What time will you be back?
You're coming with us.
What? What does that have
to do with Christmas?
Peter, it's a holiday of giving back.
Yeah, but bums?
What kind of presents would
they possibly have for us?
Bags full of bags full of bags?
You know what, Peter, I've had it.
I'm tired of your selfishness.
It's setting a bad example
for our children.
Kids, get your coats!
Oh, is this it? Is this the divorce?!
Coats? Where are you guys going?
Every year, my parents
invite us to their house
to enjoy Christmas in Newport.
And every year, we don't go
because you don't want to.
Well, this year, I am going and
the kids are coming with me.
Go ahead!
I'm fine by myself!
I'll just watch my Patrick Swayze movie
and take a too-full bath.
Aw, now I want to be on that side.
Well, that didn't work.
Now to take a slidey-toilet-seat,
soaking wet dump.
Merry Christmas, kids.
Merry Christmas in Wonderland!
Aha, ha!
I love you, Patrick Swayze.
Peter.
Peter Griffin!
Hello?
Santa?
Santa?
You think Santa could fit into
a pair of 22-inch-waist jeans?
Patrick Swayze?
How is that even possible? You're dead!
Haven't you ever seen Ghost?
Peter, you're in trouble.
So, I've come back to help you
recapture the true spirit of Christmas.
- Ghost House.
- Road House.
- Ghost Road.
- House House.
Road Ghost.
The ghost of Patrick Swayze!
I can't believe it!
I just want to run through your hair
like a dog bouncing in tall grass.
Go ahead.
Yay!
That was awesome!
Hey, where are we?
Peter, you've lost
your Christmas spirit,
so I'm taking you on a journey
to "Christmas Past" to find it.
Oh, wow.
Th-This is my old house from
when I was a little kid.
That's right, Peter.
I've taken you all the way
back to the year 1970/80/90.
I'll never forget that year,
when President Richard Reagan Clinton
lied to the American people.
Hey, hey, that's me!
Look how skinny I am.
Yay! It's Christmas!
And I made your favorite, peanut
butter chocolate chip cookies.
Wow, these are all for me?!
Of course, Petey.
It's Christmas, everything's for you.
Yay! Cookies at 7:00 a.m.!
Thank you, careless parent!
I'm gonna eat 'em and hum!
See? Look how happy I was.
That's the Christmas spirit.
I haven't felt that in years.
Yeah, looks like your mom
really went out of her way
to make Christmas special for you.
She sure did.
Oh, hey, look, there's my friend Holden!
Merry Christmas, Peter!
He could still talk then.
I wonder what happened to him.
I gotta go! I gotta go!
Hold it in! Hold it in! Hold it in!
Hold it in! Hold it in!
Hold it in!
Hold in! Hold in!
Holden.
You died before Game of Thrones,
but a-a lot of people will like that.
What is this? Are we still in the past?
No, this is the present.
And I just want you to see
that not everyone in Quahog
has lost the Christmas spirit.
Christmas!
- What's this?!
- Coal!
- Why?!
- Bad!
Aw!
Ho, ho, ho!
Thank you, Santa!
Daddy, you missed Santa.
He was right here.
♪ Night... ♪
Wow, no wonder I don't see
Cleveland until New Year's.
At least they're together.
Well, I know one family that
isn't together for Christmas.
That was a delicious meal, Daddy.
You all laughed when I
suggested Boston Market.
Well, who's laughing now?
I guess I am.
All right, everyone,
grab your hot ciders
and gather around the speakerphone.
It's time to call my
grandmother, Nana Pewterschmidt.
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
_
What did she say?
She wishes you a merry Christmas.
That's not what she said.
Time for figgy pudding!
Yay!
Seems like they're having
a good time without you.
Oh, they're just pretending to have fun.
I'm sure they miss me.
We should probably call Durd.
You mean Dad?
No, the fat guy who sleeps with Mom.
You guys talking 'bout Durd?
More champagne, miss?
Miss? Oh, my!
It's been a long time since
anybody's called me miss.
Wow! Merry Christmas, huh?
Oh, Merry Chris-miss! Ha!
Oh, my God, she's doing
that flirty laugh she does.
It's subtle, but when you've
been married as long as we have,
you notice these things.
You're very funny, Lance.
You're a very handsome, funny man.
Now, let's see that penis!
Yeah, see, again, if you
read between the lines,
she's flirting.
Why, this isn't a merry
Christmas at all.
I don't like anything
you're showing me, Pat...
Oh, my God, they got Joe.
♪ Have you heard the story ♪
♪ That they're telling
'bout Bethlehem? ♪
♪ Have you heard the story
of the Jesus child? ♪
You're not scaring me with
any of this, Patrick Swayze!
And no matter what you show me,
there's no way my family
won't be right back here
spending Christmas with me tomorrow!
Wha... Wh-Wh...
What's happening?
I'm the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come.
I'm shaping your future.
And you will see...
Oops. That's what happens when
I talk while I'm doing this.
Is this how Jonah Hill was made?
I can't believe our buddy's dead.
I know. And it's so sad, he
left his family with nothing.
Yeah, Lois had to sell
her clothes to get by.
I mean, I love having
this underwear, I just...
I just don't love why I have it.
God, it's so sad.
Who's this poor Benjamin that just died?
Nobody ever said Benjamin.
Poor, dead Benjamin.
All right, you're not getting it.
Let me just take you to your house.
Boy, I love the holiday
season with my husband
who's right upstairs, just out of frame.
Oh, am I coming down?
Oh, please tell me I lost the weight
and kept it off this time.
Merry Christmas!
Who's that guy?
That's Lois's new husband, Lance.
Wow.
I finally had the guts to leave her.
Good for you, Peter.
What about the kids? How are they doing?
See for yourself.
All right, everybody,
I'm off to Colombia...
Chris got into Columbia?
South America.
Where I will attempt to smuggle drugs
back into the country in my rectum.
Aw, I knew there was some
kind of rug-pull coming.
- And I'm off to Yale...
- The lock maker?
The lock maker, where I
have a minimum wage job.
All right, okay, yeah, I'm-I'm
getting ahead of these.
I'm going to Brown...
four boxes of Jimmy Dean pure
pork sausage for my breakfast.
Well, I'm proud all my kids
got into Ivy League puns,
but what happened to Brian?
Hey, what's Brian doing out
here in the graveyard?
He usually sleeps at the foot of my bed.
He still does.
Oh, my God!
I'm dead? But how?
You died from a fire started
by your MILF-On-A-Shelf.
Want to see some pictures
of my teenagers?
No, Karen.
Look, I haven't watered
my Christmas tree
for a few weeks now, so could you watch
your really long cigarette, please?
Did I tell you I went to
the mall with my daughter
and an employee thought we were sisters?
Yes, many times.
I don't understand.
Why didn't someone in my family save me?
They went to Newport because
you wanted to be by yourself.
Remember?
Looks like you got what you wanted.
Oh, my God, look, it's my ghost!
Not exactly.
Ugh, why do I smell so bad?
- Because I'm a dog fart now.
- What? Why?
Because that's what happens when
you lose your Christmas spirit.
You spend all of eternity as a dog fart.
- Was this in the book?
- Yes, it was an obscure chapter
written during Dickens' opium
and spoiled lamb phase.
But how do I...
Where'd... where'd he go?
Don't worry, Brian's a 13-year-old dog.
You're around a lot.
Please, Peter, don't lose
your Christmas spirit.
It's disgusting in there.
He eats garbage and his own poo.
Please, Peter, don't lose
your Christmas spirit.
This is no life for a person.
Please, Peter, he ate Lois's trash.
There's tampons in there!
- Please, Peter.
- Keep your Christmas spirit.
- Please, Peter.
- This is no life for a person.
- Please, Peter.
- I'm the tampon one.
No! No!
No!
No, please, spirits, no.
No!
Wh-Where am I?
What day is it?
All the porn girls I follow on
Instagram have Santa hats on.
It must be Christmas!
Merry Christmas, P. O. V. Angie!
Merry Christmas, triple-X underscore
Tara Kink underscore triple-X!
Merry Christmas to all the thirst traps!
Thanks, Grandpa.
This Christmas is
perfect, isn't it, Mom?
Almost, Meg.
Almost.
Yeah, it is,
except every time Grandpa
bends over to get a present,
his robe opens up.
Let's see, I think this is for Chris.
Good God!
Looks like two eggs in
an old handkerchief.
Merry Christmas, everybody!
- Peter!
- Durd!
Dad!
Oh, Peter, you did come.
Yes, Lois, I'm here,
all loaded up with Christmas spirit
and a sack full of hastily
bought gifts from the CVS.
For Chris, a special
People magazine look-back
at Robin Williams, 'cause
he killed himself.
Wow, look how thick the cover is.
It's almost like a real book!
For Stewie, a two-dollar
Styrofoam cooler.
Awesome! I can probably fit 16...
Oh, the top blew away.
For Brian, a Rhode Island sweatshirt
with both "Rhode" and
"Island" misspelled!
Wow, it hurts when I put it on!
And for my beloved wife,
a lawn chair that was 80%
off because it's winter.
Oh, Peter, I can't wait
to drink outside in this.
And finally, for Meg, a clock
radio with an iPod jack
for the iPods they don't make anymore.
Dad, you've never bought
me anything before.
Are you sure this is for me?
Of course, Meg, sweetie.
It's Christmas, everything is for you.
I love you, Peter.
I love you, too, Lois.
And, Patrick Swayze,
thanks for helping me find
the true spirit of Christmas.
I wish there was some
way I could repay you.
Who are you talking to?
Well, actually, there's
one thing in heaven
that Chris Farley won't do with me.
I know exactly what
you're talking about.
- Hit it!
- Hit what?
♪ Everyone's watching ♪
♪ To see what you will do ♪
♪ Everyone's looking at you ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ Everybody's working for the weekend ♪
♪ Everybody wants a new... ♪
♪ Na-na-na-na-na-na ♪
♪ For the weekend... ♪
Mom, what's he doing?
I don't know, Chris.
Let-let's just keep opening presents.
He'll tire himself out.
Great idea.
Here's one for Meg.
And here's one for Stewie.
And here's one for my
beautiful daughter.
Sweetie, come help me with this.
♪ Everybody's working for the weekend ♪
♪ Everybody wants a new romance ♪
♪ Everybody's going off the deep end ♪
_
♪ Everybody needs a second chance ♪
- _
- ♪ You want a piece of my heart ♪
♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
♪ But where are those good
old-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
♪ All the things that make us ♪
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
All right, everyone.
Because today is Christmas Eve...
♪ School's out... ♪
Not yet, Griffin.
I thought it might be a nice treat to...
♪ School's out... ♪
Griffin!
Thank you.
To let everyone leave
a little bit earl...
♪ School's out for ♪
- ♪ Summer. ♪
- Christmas!
Fine. Everybody have a nice holiday.
(BLEEP), teach.
♪ Out forever ♪
See you at the moon tower.
You know it!
Hey, Wooderson, see you
at the moon tower?
Nah. I'm just gonna drive
around in my Lincoln.
Weird people out.
Bells on bobtail
ring, making spirits bright.
Oh, what fun to laugh and sing
a sleighing song tonight.
Jingle bells. Jingle bells.
Jingle all the way.
Oh, what fun it is to ride
in a Lincoln AKZ.
The Family
Guy Christmas Special,
brought to you by Lincoln.
Lincoln. What are we doing?
Oh, I love this time of year.
You know, Chris, you and
your stillborn twin Tmas
were named after Christmas.
I see the kids put their
gifts under the tree.
Brian, I don't think you've
put yours there yet.
Well, as we know, the true
spirit of the holiday
is one of giving.
So, I've signed all of us
up to volunteer tomorrow
at a homeless shelter.
That's your present.
What?!
Last year, you wrote us a freaking poem,
and now this?!
I thought the poem was lovely.
Now, hold on.
I think that's actually a
wonderful idea, Brian.
It'll be good for the kids.
Nothing reminds you more of
what you have than watching
a grown man poo right through
the split in his pants.
Now, let's finish decorating
before your father gets home.
Okay. I'll put the Kanye
Canes in the stockings.
You know, it's just like,
you know, music and fashion, all that...
You know I can't be stopped.
Whatever I do, you know, I just
want to be the best, because
The best is never enough.
Mark Zuckerberg promised
he'd give me $50 million, fam, but then
He welched and I'm penniless.
♪ Kanye is the greatest ♪
♪ Kanye drops the latest ♪
♪ There can be no debatest ♪
♪ And Kanye got the status. ♪
The Family
Guy Christmas Special,
brought to you by
anthropomorphic candy canes.
Family Guy. What are we doing?
Dad's car is coming!
He's coming fast.
He can't wait to see us.
Get out of the road, you idiots!
And he's headed right to the bar.
The Clam's on the other side of town.
He went out of his way to do this.
We now return to
"'Twas the Night Before Christmas,"
as read by Norm Macdonald.
"'Twas the night before Christmas..."
W-Wait, "'twas"? What's "'twas"?
Is that short for "it was"?
What kind of rush are you in, man,
you can't just say "it was"?
Oh, you saved a lot
of time there, fella.
Oh, don't come at me with
that "it was" stuff.
I got things to do.
Got to get down to the donut shop.
You know, two days ago, I was
at the donut shop, and I said,
"Hey, donut guy, you got
anything warm back there?"
He says, "Try the fritters. They were."
"They were"?
What does that even mean, "they were"?
You must mean "'twere"!
The fritters "'twere" warm.
What's that? We're out of time?
Oh.
I'm fired?
Hey, you know, uh, O. J. Simpsn
is a wife-beating murderer, right?
Oh, right, was.
'Twas!
Well, I got to get home.
Every year, we gather round
and play "O Holy Night"
from our favorite holiday album,
A Very Slow Christmas with Peabo Bryson.
♪ O... ♪
♪ Holy... ♪
Well, I suppose I better get out of here
before that overenthusiastic
group of carolers
makes their way in here.
♪ Have you heard the story ♪
♪ That they're telling
'bout Bethlehem? ♪
♪ Have you heard the story
of the Jesus child? ♪
Aw, too late! Let's head out the back!
♪ How he came from heaven and
was born in a manger bed ♪
- To the windows!
- ♪ Mary was his virgin mother ♪
♪ Pure and mild ♪
Oh, my God, they got Quagmire!
♪ Sing hallelujah, sing hallelujah ♪
♪ Worship the Jesus child and
praise his mother mild. ♪
Coming
this holiday season,
it's Star Blizzard!
Using laser technology
to shower your home
in a blizzard of dazzling lights!
So much easier than
stringing Christmas lights.
I can light up my whole house
for just pennies a day.
I looked into it, and now I'm blind.
Honey, the house looks great!
Who's there?
Hey, Frank, could you turn that off?
My cat's freaking out.
Who's that now?
I don't know voices yet, I'm new-blind.
Star Blizzard.
Happy holidays, and just
don't look into it.
Oh, Peter, you're finally home.
Yup, just in time to
watch Patrick Swayze's
Christmas in Wonderland.
Well, before you sit down,
I just need you to do a couple things.
Okay, first, I need you to take down
last year's Christmas lights
and put up this year's Christmas lights.
Then I need you to get the
eggnog cups out of the attic
and bump your head on a low eave.
After that, take my
cousins to the airport
and pick up my other cousins
at a different, farther away airport.
Then shovel and salt the walk.
Then shovel and salt the driveway.
Then shovel and salt Mrs.
Whitaker's driveway.
She's 96 and has no one to help her.
We need four netted bags
of cinnamon pinecones.
Get the bags at Hobby Lobby
and the pinecones at Pier 1.
Next, inflate the giant snowman
and put it on our front lawn.
The pump's broken, so you'll
have to do it by mouth.
Then it's just laundry,
take out the trash,
and move the house a
little bit to the left.
Ugh. Can I do some of that tomorrow?
No, because tomorrow we're
going down to volunteer
- at the homeless shelter.
- What time will you be back?
You're coming with us.
What? What does that have
to do with Christmas?
Peter, it's a holiday of giving back.
Yeah, but bums?
What kind of presents would
they possibly have for us?
Bags full of bags full of bags?
You know what, Peter, I've had it.
I'm tired of your selfishness.
It's setting a bad example
for our children.
Kids, get your coats!
Oh, is this it? Is this the divorce?!
Coats? Where are you guys going?
Every year, my parents
invite us to their house
to enjoy Christmas in Newport.
And every year, we don't go
because you don't want to.
Well, this year, I am going and
the kids are coming with me.
Go ahead!
I'm fine by myself!
I'll just watch my Patrick Swayze movie
and take a too-full bath.
Aw, now I want to be on that side.
Well, that didn't work.
Now to take a slidey-toilet-seat,
soaking wet dump.
Merry Christmas, kids.
Merry Christmas in Wonderland!
Aha, ha!
I love you, Patrick Swayze.
Peter.
Peter Griffin!
Hello?
Santa?
Santa?
You think Santa could fit into
a pair of 22-inch-waist jeans?
Patrick Swayze?
How is that even possible? You're dead!
Haven't you ever seen Ghost?
Peter, you're in trouble.
So, I've come back to help you
recapture the true spirit of Christmas.
- Ghost House.
- Road House.
- Ghost Road.
- House House.
Road Ghost.
The ghost of Patrick Swayze!
I can't believe it!
I just want to run through your hair
like a dog bouncing in tall grass.
Go ahead.
Yay!
That was awesome!
Hey, where are we?
Peter, you've lost
your Christmas spirit,
so I'm taking you on a journey
to "Christmas Past" to find it.
Oh, wow.
Th-This is my old house from
when I was a little kid.
That's right, Peter.
I've taken you all the way
back to the year 1970/80/90.
I'll never forget that year,
when President Richard Reagan Clinton
lied to the American people.
Hey, hey, that's me!
Look how skinny I am.
Yay! It's Christmas!
And I made your favorite, peanut
butter chocolate chip cookies.
Wow, these are all for me?!
Of course, Petey.
It's Christmas, everything's for you.
Yay! Cookies at 7:00 a.m.!
Thank you, careless parent!
I'm gonna eat 'em and hum!
See? Look how happy I was.
That's the Christmas spirit.
I haven't felt that in years.
Yeah, looks like your mom
really went out of her way
to make Christmas special for you.
She sure did.
Oh, hey, look, there's my friend Holden!
Merry Christmas, Peter!
He could still talk then.
I wonder what happened to him.
I gotta go! I gotta go!
Hold it in! Hold it in! Hold it in!
Hold it in! Hold it in!
Hold it in!
Hold in! Hold in!
Holden.
You died before Game of Thrones,
but a-a lot of people will like that.
What is this? Are we still in the past?
No, this is the present.
And I just want you to see
that not everyone in Quahog
has lost the Christmas spirit.
Christmas!
- What's this?!
- Coal!
- Why?!
- Bad!
Aw!
Ho, ho, ho!
Thank you, Santa!
Daddy, you missed Santa.
He was right here.
♪ Night... ♪
Wow, no wonder I don't see
Cleveland until New Year's.
At least they're together.
Well, I know one family that
isn't together for Christmas.
That was a delicious meal, Daddy.
You all laughed when I
suggested Boston Market.
Well, who's laughing now?
I guess I am.
All right, everyone,
grab your hot ciders
and gather around the speakerphone.
It's time to call my
grandmother, Nana Pewterschmidt.
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What did she say?
She wishes you a merry Christmas.
That's not what she said.
Time for figgy pudding!
Yay!
Seems like they're having
a good time without you.
Oh, they're just pretending to have fun.
I'm sure they miss me.
We should probably call Durd.
You mean Dad?
No, the fat guy who sleeps with Mom.
You guys talking 'bout Durd?
More champagne, miss?
Miss? Oh, my!
It's been a long time since
anybody's called me miss.
Wow! Merry Christmas, huh?
Oh, Merry Chris-miss! Ha!
Oh, my God, she's doing
that flirty laugh she does.
It's subtle, but when you've
been married as long as we have,
you notice these things.
You're very funny, Lance.
You're a very handsome, funny man.
Now, let's see that penis!
Yeah, see, again, if you
read between the lines,
she's flirting.
Why, this isn't a merry
Christmas at all.
I don't like anything
you're showing me, Pat...
Oh, my God, they got Joe.
♪ Have you heard the story ♪
♪ That they're telling
'bout Bethlehem? ♪
♪ Have you heard the story
of the Jesus child? ♪
You're not scaring me with
any of this, Patrick Swayze!
And no matter what you show me,
there's no way my family
won't be right back here
spending Christmas with me tomorrow!
Wha... Wh-Wh...
What's happening?
I'm the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come.
I'm shaping your future.
And you will see...
Oops. That's what happens when
I talk while I'm doing this.
Is this how Jonah Hill was made?
I can't believe our buddy's dead.
I know. And it's so sad, he
left his family with nothing.
Yeah, Lois had to sell
her clothes to get by.
I mean, I love having
this underwear, I just...
I just don't love why I have it.
God, it's so sad.
Who's this poor Benjamin that just died?
Nobody ever said Benjamin.
Poor, dead Benjamin.
All right, you're not getting it.
Let me just take you to your house.
Boy, I love the holiday
season with my husband
who's right upstairs, just out of frame.
Oh, am I coming down?
Oh, please tell me I lost the weight
and kept it off this time.
Merry Christmas!
Who's that guy?
That's Lois's new husband, Lance.
Wow.
I finally had the guts to leave her.
Good for you, Peter.
What about the kids? How are they doing?
See for yourself.
All right, everybody,
I'm off to Colombia...
Chris got into Columbia?
South America.
Where I will attempt to smuggle drugs
back into the country in my rectum.
Aw, I knew there was some
kind of rug-pull coming.
- And I'm off to Yale...
- The lock maker?
The lock maker, where I
have a minimum wage job.
All right, okay, yeah, I'm-I'm
getting ahead of these.
I'm going to Brown...
four boxes of Jimmy Dean pure
pork sausage for my breakfast.
Well, I'm proud all my kids
got into Ivy League puns,
but what happened to Brian?
Hey, what's Brian doing out
here in the graveyard?
He usually sleeps at the foot of my bed.
He still does.
Oh, my God!
I'm dead? But how?
You died from a fire started
by your MILF-On-A-Shelf.
Want to see some pictures
of my teenagers?
No, Karen.
Look, I haven't watered
my Christmas tree
for a few weeks now, so could you watch
your really long cigarette, please?
Did I tell you I went to
the mall with my daughter
and an employee thought we were sisters?
Yes, many times.
I don't understand.
Why didn't someone in my family save me?
They went to Newport because
you wanted to be by yourself.
Remember?
Looks like you got what you wanted.
Oh, my God, look, it's my ghost!
Not exactly.
Ugh, why do I smell so bad?
- Because I'm a dog fart now.
- What? Why?
Because that's what happens when
you lose your Christmas spirit.
You spend all of eternity as a dog fart.
- Was this in the book?
- Yes, it was an obscure chapter
written during Dickens' opium
and spoiled lamb phase.
But how do I...
Where'd... where'd he go?
Don't worry, Brian's a 13-year-old dog.
You're around a lot.
Please, Peter, don't lose
your Christmas spirit.
It's disgusting in there.
He eats garbage and his own poo.
Please, Peter, don't lose
your Christmas spirit.
This is no life for a person.
Please, Peter, he ate Lois's trash.
There's tampons in there!
- Please, Peter.
- Keep your Christmas spirit.
- Please, Peter.
- This is no life for a person.
- Please, Peter.
- I'm the tampon one.
No! No!
No!
No, please, spirits, no.
No!
Wh-Where am I?
What day is it?
All the porn girls I follow on
Instagram have Santa hats on.
It must be Christmas!
Merry Christmas, P. O. V. Angie!
Merry Christmas, triple-X underscore
Tara Kink underscore triple-X!
Merry Christmas to all the thirst traps!
Thanks, Grandpa.
This Christmas is
perfect, isn't it, Mom?
Almost, Meg.
Almost.
Yeah, it is,
except every time Grandpa
bends over to get a present,
his robe opens up.
Let's see, I think this is for Chris.
Good God!
Looks like two eggs in
an old handkerchief.
Merry Christmas, everybody!
- Peter!
- Durd!
Dad!
Oh, Peter, you did come.
Yes, Lois, I'm here,
all loaded up with Christmas spirit
and a sack full of hastily
bought gifts from the CVS.
For Chris, a special
People magazine look-back
at Robin Williams, 'cause
he killed himself.
Wow, look how thick the cover is.
It's almost like a real book!
For Stewie, a two-dollar
Styrofoam cooler.
Awesome! I can probably fit 16...
Oh, the top blew away.
For Brian, a Rhode Island sweatshirt
with both "Rhode" and
"Island" misspelled!
Wow, it hurts when I put it on!
And for my beloved wife,
a lawn chair that was 80%
off because it's winter.
Oh, Peter, I can't wait
to drink outside in this.
And finally, for Meg, a clock
radio with an iPod jack
for the iPods they don't make anymore.
Dad, you've never bought
me anything before.
Are you sure this is for me?
Of course, Meg, sweetie.
It's Christmas, everything is for you.
I love you, Peter.
I love you, too, Lois.
And, Patrick Swayze,
thanks for helping me find
the true spirit of Christmas.
I wish there was some
way I could repay you.
Who are you talking to?
Well, actually, there's
one thing in heaven
that Chris Farley won't do with me.
I know exactly what
you're talking about.
- Hit it!
- Hit what?
♪ Everyone's watching ♪
♪ To see what you will do ♪
♪ Everyone's looking at you ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ Everybody's working for the weekend ♪
♪ Everybody wants a new... ♪
♪ Na-na-na-na-na-na ♪
♪ For the weekend... ♪
Mom, what's he doing?
I don't know, Chris.
Let-let's just keep opening presents.
He'll tire himself out.
Great idea.
Here's one for Meg.
And here's one for Stewie.
And here's one for my
beautiful daughter.
Sweetie, come help me with this.
♪ Everybody's working for the weekend ♪
♪ Everybody wants a new romance ♪
♪ Everybody's going off the deep end ♪
_
♪ Everybody needs a second chance ♪
- _
- ♪ You want a piece of my heart ♪