Family Guy (1998–…): Season 16, Episode 10 - Boy (Dog) Meets Girl (Dog) - full transcript

# It seems today that all you see
is violence in movies and sex on TV

# But where are those good
old-fashioned values

ALL: # On which we used to rely?

# Lucky there's a family guy!

# Lucky there's a man who positively
can do

# All the things that make us...
# ..laugh and cry

# He's a Family Guy! #

ANNOUNCER: And now, The History
Channel presents American Inventor:

The True Story of Henry Ford.

This is my Jew Flattening Machine.
It'll flatten any Jew.

Simply climb behind the wheel, drive
it towards a Jew, and flatten him.



Could you also use it just to drive
from place to place and stuff?

It's not what it's designed for.

But you could use it that way? Yeah,
yeah, you could.

You could also use
the Mona Lisa as a placemat. God.

Hey, guys. Oh, hey, Quagmire.
How was marching band practice?

Peter, you know this is a pilot's
uniform.

It represents years of specialised
training.

You know what else takes years
of specialised training?

Crossing your eyes.

Aah! Aah! Aah! Too far! Too far!
(KOREAN ACCENT): Hold still.

Thank you, Korean sweatshop animator.
You've earned your nickel this week.

Where're you coming from, Quagmire?

I had to fly to Aruba, so I brought
my mom along

with my friends and family
discount.



Did you...? Yes, Joe, I got you
a magnet.

Where do you even put all those
magnets, Joe?

You know I have that fridge in the
garage

with blood bags in my blood type?
What's "friends and family"?

Airline employees can get discounted
tickets for family and close
friends.

What? How come you've never done
that for us?

If I'm being honest, I've also got
a few Celeste pizzas in that fridge.

I don't know, I guess I figured you
guys always have to work,

or you're with your kids but sure,
yeah, I could take you somewhere.

I'm going to San Francisco. You guys
wanna come? San Francisco?

That city from And the Band Played On
and Milk? I'm in!

Yeah, thanks, Quagmire.
Oh, wow, this'll be great.

Hey, can you make us X-Men?

What a surprise (!)

Well, I'm off to San Francisco
with the guys.

OK, I'm off to Hilton Head with the
girls.

You what? Peter, I told you about
this a month ago.

I'm going with Bonnie and Donna to
Donna's sister's time share.

Well, we can't both go on a trip at
the same time.

I'm sorry, Peter, but I already have
a taxi waiting.

All right, I'll go tell the
guys I'm not going.

Why is he taking his suitcase
to tell the guys?

Guys, come on, we got to go. Move it.
QUAGMIRE: I'm in the shower.

It doesn't matter, we're stealing
Lois' cab.

Son of a... Oh, and the idiot took
my suitcase.

Aw, he was taking me with him.

Ah, San Francisco.

Argh! San Francisco! So what are we
gonna do first?

I wanna see the Golden Gate Bridge.
I wanna see Lombard Street.

I want to see Ghirardelli Square.

Guys, guys. Let's get
lesbian haircuts and see 'em all.

# Come to my window

# Oh, crawl inside

# Wait by the light of the moon

# Come to my window
I'll be home soon

# I'll be home,
I'll be home I'm coming home #

OK, the gay jokes are out of the way,
now let's get down to business.

OK, guys, this is the original Levi
Jeans factory,

created by Levi Strauss in the year

00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:49,960
so that gold miners could wear
a comfortable yet durable fabric.

This is boring.
Well, then you plan the vacation!

Aah! Peter, Peter, calm down.
It's OK. We'll do whatever you want.

All right, if you promise.

I was thinkin' we could tuck our
shirts into our pants,

put on huge helmets, and ride
Segways.

ALL: We're not from here! We're not
from here!

You guys, look. It's Golden State
Warriors star Steph Curry.

Oh, my God, Steph, I'm such a big
fan. Thanks. It's nice to meet you.

Hey, I know we just met, but can I
sit on your lap

during your next post-game press
conference? Sure, don't see why not.

This is exciting
for the whole Bay Area,

to be just four games away from
the championship. Dad, I dooked.

The other team's not just gonna
go away.

We gotta stay focused, keep doing
what we do.

Fat lady. Dad, Dad, a fat lady.

Yeah, I-I see her, Peter.
Make her go.

That's not how we talk to people.
Make her go.

WOMAN: I'll leave.
Yay! I'm learning bad lessons.

Wow. So that was San Francisco.

I didn't realise how hilly it was
gonna be.

Thanks again for taking us,
Quagmire. No problem.

You know, we're here early.

You guys want a little tour of the
plane? Yeah, that'd be great.

Normally, I'd go to Hudson News

and pretend
to be the most important guy.

Can I help you? Yes, I will have
eight Dasanis
and a JD Power & Associates.

(CHEERING AND WHISTLING)

Wow, this place is cool. Yeah.

What do all these buttons do? Like,
what's this red one?

That's a voice filter, so the
passengers always think

the pilot is a 60-year-old
Midwestern white man.

What? That's impossible. Hi y'all,
this is Cleveland.

Good afternoon,
folks, this is Captain Dale Clark

up here in the flight deck.
We're way up in the air.

We've reached our cruising altitude
of 37,000 feet.

Y'all get ready
to watch Big Momma's House.

Our in-flight entertainment today
will be Under The Tuscan Sun.

Ooh, I like that. I hear it's good.

Hey, what's this button? "Autopilot"?

Oh, that allows the plane
to fly itself when I need a break.

What do you mean, a break? You don't
have to fly? Of course I do.

I just take a short break sometimes.
Short break?

It looks like you had time to put
together the 10,000-piece
Lego Hogwarts.

You don't have to touch it, Joe, you
can say you noticed it.

And what's this booth over here? Oh,
that's my back-in-time box.

I go inside, magically go back in
time,

and then come out and react
to the fact that we're flying.

By God, we're levitating.
That's just a box full of costumes.

It's my back-in-time box! What the
hell, Quagmire?

So, basically, your job is
just goofin' off. That's not true.

I broke Gandalf in half.
It's Dumbledore! Screw you guys.

You know, being a pilot is hard
work.

Look, I tried to be nice and take
you fellas on a free trip,

and all you can do is crap all over
my job.

I was a Navy pilot, you jerks.
Get the hell out of my cockpit!

Joke's on him. I farted just before
he kicked us out. QUAGMIRE: Ugh.

Oh, God!

All right, let's see what's in
the in-flight magazine.

Muscular old guy.
Already filled-in crossword puzzle.

Ooh, this is food for different
routes I'm not on.

All right, time to use the potty.
Don't say "potty". You're an adult.

OK, nobody move!

Oh, my God, those guys in first
class have guns.

Cleveland, just be happy with what
you have. Don't envy people.

No, Peter, we're being hijacked.
Close the cockpit door!

(SLAVIC ACCENT): This plane
now belongs to us.

You move, you're dead.
So nobody try to get smart.

Mm, page 100. Mm.

Control tower, this is Flight 364.
We have a hijacking in progress.

Our flight has been... (STATIC)

Damn it,
they jammed the transmission.

I'm gonna have to go to the back-up
communication system.

Hello? Can you hear me? This is
Flight 364. We're being hijacked.

I can hear you. Oh!

This is your last chance. Open the
door, or your co-pilot gets it. No.

I'm landing at the closest airfield,
which is less than an hour away.

So let him go cos you're not getting
control of this plane.

(GRUNTS) QUAGMIRE: Aah! Jimmy! Oh,
my God! Why are you doing this?

America needs to be punished for
supporting

the other side of my country's civil
war. Which country?

Do you really want to know, or are
you just asking

because we're gonna be on a plane
for a while

and you think you should make small
talk? The second thing.

Open the door, or I'll start...
executing passengers. (SCREAMING)

Man, coming on this trip
was a terrible idea.

I know.
Now I wish I'd just stayed home

and finished my remake
of Inside Out.

I'm Joy. I'm Sadness. I'm Anger.
I'm Disgust. I'm Poo.

(STOMACH GROWLS) Ooh, I need to use
the bathroom.

PETER (MUFFLED): Yay! I win!

We interrupt this programme with
a special report.

A flight from San Francisco to Quahog
has lost contact

with air traffic control.

Oh, my God,
that's your father's flight.

Government officials are monitoring
the situation.

I'll be here to update you as this
story progresses.

Coming up on the midday news,
a couple in their 30s gets married

without their dog being in the
wedding.

You're not gonna believe their story.

What's it gonna be?

Are you going to open this door, or
am I going to start killing people?

I'm not opening it. Excuse me, I'd
just like to ask the mom behind me

who told me to stop watching Game of
Thrones on my laptop

if I'm still "the worst person on
this plane".

You, fat guy. Get up here! Aah!

Last chance. Open the door, or this
idiot gets it.

Don't open it, Quagmire.
It's not worth it. QUAGMIRE: OK.

Wait wait, what? That was quick.

I'm sorry but I have
to think about the whole plane.

There's over 150 passengers back
there,

several are in our Commander's Club,

and to them I'd like to issue
a special welcome.

Oh, man, we got to help Peter!

Those crazy European guys are gonna
kill him!

I have a gun in the bag I checked.
If we can get to the galley,

we can take the elevator down to the
cargo hold. Good idea, Joe.

Oh, man, it feels like we're in one
of those hijacking movies.

You're right, it does. There's even
an impatient businessman

who really wants to reach his
destination
so he can conduct more business.

Can't you see how important I am?

My shirt is blue, but the collar is
white. It's the same shirt!

Quick, he's distracted.

(Get off my plane. Get off my
plane.) What's that, now? Nothing.

(Always bet on black. Always bet on
black.)

Did you say something? I don't
think so.

Double trouble! Double trouble!
That's it. We found it.

What the hell?! Hey! Two of the
passengers are missing!

OK, you guys watch the main cabin.
I'll go find them.

I'll take this fat guy as a human
shield. Oh, nice.

Last guy picked for dodgeball; first
guy for human shield.

Everybody be quiet! There's another
update!

Good afternoon. I'm Tom Tucker.

The search for a missing airliner
continues,

as speculation grows
that the plane has been hijacked.

Oh, this is all so awful!

What will our lives be like if our
husbands don't make it?

# Thank you for being a friend

# Travel down the road and back
again

# Your heart is true

# You're a pal and a confidant

# Thank you for being a friend #

Oh, my God! Now I want Dad to die!

Hey, Joe, look at me. Do I look like
Mickey the Mouse?

Get out of people's stuff!
Ah, here's my bag.

(ELEVATOR CLICKS INTO MOTION)

Hey! What are you two doing down
here?

Oh, someone's shipping live
lobsters. Yum.

Prepare to die.
You first! That's what you think.

(BEEPING)

Peter! Grab on to something!

Uh-oh. I grabbed my own belt.

Argh!

Argh!

QUAGMIRE: Attention, passengers,
I know we're being hijacked,

but I would be remiss if I didn't
point out

that we're presently passing over
Yosemite National Park.

Wow! That is truly awe-inspiring!
It certainly is.

And you know what you don't see from
up here? Borders.

Aarrghhhhh!

Die in hell, Eurotrash!

Hang on, Peter!

Holy crap, that was close.

Joe, how'd you know that lever opens
the landing gear?

Wheels are my expertise, Peter.

I notice every wheel in a room as
soon as I enter.

Special delivery from the U.S. of A.
(CLICK) Aw, rats.

My bullets are in my shaving kit.

BOTH: Aarghhh!

Get off my pl... Double trouble!
Sorry. Come on, man!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Oh, my God, you guys did it! We're
saved!

Yep, we wrapped this up quicker than
the treaty signing at Appomattox.

So, if I sign this, the war is over,
we surrender,

and we still get to be
dicks forever? OK, you win.

You can all relax now.

We're ten minutes from landing
at an airfield in Nevada.

Looks like you'll make that business
meeting after all.

Great! Thanks for keeping us in the
sky, boys.

(SLAVIC ACCENT): Now reach for it.

You're one of the hijackers, too?!
Yes.

I was in reserve in case the plan
went awry.

And now I can finally get into
the cockpit and execute our plan -

crashing the plane into the ultimate
symbol of American materialism...

Las Vegas.

You know, I've lost a ton in Vegas,

but I never thought I'd lose my life
there.

Did you just think of that? Yeah,
just now.

You know, you are seriously funny,
man.

I know I crap on you a lot,
but sometimes, when I'm driving,

I think about stuff you say
and I laugh.

Thank you, Peter. No, thank you.

Very good. We are less
than 20 minutes from Las Vegas.

Get ready to say goodbye to your
precious Rita Rudner.

Is your plan just to kill Rita
Rudner? No.

We're going to crash into
the biggest hotel on the Strip!

Killing Rita Rudner will just be the
custard on the dumpling.

You know, we never quite nailed down
what region you guys are from.

(NEWS THEME PLAYS) Good afternoon.

I'm Tom Tucker with the latest on the
hijacking crisis.

As you can see, I've taken off my
blazer

to show the severity of the
situation.

We understand the plane has been
found by satellite.

It's apparently veered off its flight
plan and is headed for Las Vegas.

The Government, fearing the worst, is
considering shooting it down.

Now here's an over-the-top news
graphic.

(SCREAMS)

(GRAVELLY, RUGGED VOICE) Nightmare
Over Vegas

(EXPLOSIONS, SLOT MACHINE MUSIC)

(GRAVELLY, RUGGED VOICE) Hijack
Jackpot.

Oh, look, there's one guy who slept
through this whole thing.

Hey, buddy, wake up.
We're all about to die.

What are you talking about?
I thought I should wake you up.

Nobody wants to die in their sleep.
Oh, my God! No! I have a family!

There you go.

Only a few more minutes until your
country pays

for its imperialistic sins. Us? What
about you?!

Like how come you Eastern European
guys can't be quieter in pornos?

I mean, nobody's ever been like,
"Yeah, more guy noises."

They ask us to do that to cover up
the sound of children playing
nearby.

Now shut up and get ready to die.

So, uh, you ever been to Vegas
before? No.

Well, I think you're gonna FLIP
FOR IT!!

Yaahhhhhhh!

Attention, passengers, the plane...
(GROANING AND MOANING)

Oh, come on! Doesn't anybody pay
attention to the sign?!

That was some quick thinking, Glenn.

Look! Even that plane with all
the missiles is impressed.

Missiles? That's a military fighter
jet! He's here to shoot us down!

Or she. What?!

They must think the
hijackers still control the plane!

Our communications are jammed so we
can't tell them it's all OK!

Don't worry,
I'll signal to 'em.

Hey! We knocked out all the bad guys!
See? We don't need your help!

We kicked their asses and we have
their guns!

I have a visual on the terrorists.

They've got a hostage in
a blue shirt with a white collar.

He must be an important businessman.

COMMANDER: Copy that. Prepare to
engage.

Good, he's movin' away. No, he isn't.
He's getting in position to fire!

He thinks we're gonna crash into the
Strip! Everybody in your seats!

Frank Caliendo does a 5pm show?
Quagmire, land this plane!

We've been hit!

Oh, God, this is it!
We're gonna die!

Like hell we are!
We're gonna make it.

PETER, JOE & CLEVELAND: Aaarghhhh!

We're going too fast!

We're gonna crash into that lake!
Oh, no, we're not!

PETER, JOE, & CLEVELAND: Aarghhhh!

QUAGMIRE: Oh, yeah, right there.
That's good.

And now to discharge the plane's
fire retardant.

PETER, QUAGMIRE, JOE & CLEVELAND:
Giggity.

Wow, Quagmire, thanks
for saving all of our lives.

We're sorry for saying your job
was easy.

Yeah, you're the best damn pilot
in the world. He's right.

What you did up there was amazing.
Thanks, guys, that means a lot.

Boy, that was quite a trip,
wasn't it? Sure was.

And we learned a lot
about blue jeans, didn't we, guys?

Yes, we did, yeah.
That's right, Peter.

Thank you for planning
a wonderful day. (WHIRRING)

Cleveland! Joe! Peter!

Dad, I was really worried,
so I pulled a record

of your credit card purchases in San
Francisco,

and I saw some things I think you'd
prefer to keep private.

We'll talk later, Chris. I think we
will. I do believe we will.

Well, let's head home.

I know I, for one, am ready to put
all this behind us. Sounds good.

Oh, yeah, in case we didn't say,
this was Spirit Airlines.

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