Family Guy (1998–…): Season 16, Episode 8 - Crimes and Meg's Demeanor - full transcript

# It seems today that all you see

# Is violence on movies
and sex on TV

# But where are those good
old-fashioned values

# On which we used to rely?

# Lucky there's a family guy

# Lucky there's a man
who positively can do

# All the things that make us

# Laugh and cry

# He's...a...family...guy! #

TV: And now the Gameshow Network
presents

Are We Talking About Jake Gyllenhaal
or Jared Leto?



"I am oily-haired with dinnerplate
eyes.

I was in that one movie about the
weirdo.

I somehow look both deathly ill and
ripped.

I am a less successful version of
Tobey Maguire."

Anyone? No?

"You would totally believe any story
about me being a dick."

I'm changing the channel,
I like both of them.

Peter, did you see this?

It says here that Carter
Pewterschmidt

has bought the Pawtucket Patriot
Brewery. What's that?

It's where you work, Peter.

Why the hell would Daddy buy the
brewery?

There's children in the room,
watch your swearing.

He's looking to diversify his
holdings.



Wow, Dad. I guess that means Grandpa
is your new boss.

Oh, crap. I don't want to work for
him.

I'd rather work for Dr Frankenstein.

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLES)

(GROANS)
Igor, I did it!

Hold on. You discovered the power to
create new life

and you created a GUY?

So? I should have made a woman so I
could have sex with a corpse?

I don't know, man. You just
shouldn't have made a guy.

Now that I'm in charge of this
brewery,

there's gonna be some changes
around here.

For one thing, no more t-shirts or
dungarees in the workplace.

Dungarees are jeans!

Griffin? What are you doing here?

I...I work here.

You do? No way!

(LAUGHS) This is gonna be fun!

Effective immediately, you're the
guy at the office

with the weird ski tan,
but you can't talk about it.

Hey, did you go skiing this weekend?

I'm not allowed to talk about it.

# Do-do-do-doo, dum-de-dum,
dog driving a car

# Dum-de-dum-dum... #
(SIREN)

Oh, damn it.

Morning, Brian. I'm afraid you ran a
red light. Your licence, please?

(SIGHS) I swear it, Joe,

the light was still grey
when I went through it.

Mm-hm. Are you aware this is
expired?

What?
Brian, step out of the vehicle.

What's going on?
Well, the law's clear.

I have to confiscate your licence
and you're gonna have to walk home.

Can't you at least give me a ride?
No can do, amigo.

(SIGHS) All right, I guess I'll just
call an Uber.

(VIBRATION)

Are you Brian?

Ah, Griffin, there you are!

I've decided that as your new boss,

I'm gonna require you to have
a standing desk.

Aw, but I'll look like such an ass!

And that's not at all.

You've got to constantly tell
everybody what a good idea it is

and how important it is
and how wrong they are

for having traditional desks.

Can't I just work at it
and mind my own business?

No, you have to be a freak about it.

Maybe it can just be my own personal
choice

and I'm not judging others for their
choices.

No! You being right means everyone
else is wrong.

That's what your standing desk
is saying to the chair people.

From now on, you call them
chair people.

Oh, and three times a day,
you have to say,

"Sitting is the biggest killer in
America."

(GROANS)

Goodnight, Peter.

Goodnight, gender-transitioned
co-worker

we had a whole meeting about.

Mr Pewterschmidt, what you're
ordering is illegal!

I don't care about that!

I want our beer cans made from the
cheapest material possible.

But, sir - What about those metal
toilets where prisoners make wine?

Use those. But, sir, if word got out
about this

it would be one of the most
notorious developments in beer
history.

Second only to Michelob Ultra Dragon
Fruit Peach.

Peter, are you sure you heard
Mr Pewterschmidt correctly?

He actually said he wanted
cheap toxic materials

inserted into the brewery supply
stream?

Well, his eyes looked different how
he said it, but that was the gist.

Also, some of the brewery workers
say very hurtful things

if a co-worker wears shorts.
Follow the money.

Mr Griffin, it sounds like you've
brought me an interesting story.

What should I do with it, Ollie?

Make it news! Hey, you got a
standing desk, too?

Sitting's bad! I know. They don't
want to hear it, though.

(BEEP) SECRETARY: Sir, there's a
reporter here to see you.

Is it Kermit the Frog when he's
wearing a trenchcoat?

That tells you he's a reporter.

# GARY WRIGHT - DREAM WEAVER #
(SUNG IN JAPANESE)

Sir, an anonymous whistle-blower
in the brewery

says you've personally ordered the
sourcing of cut-rate, potentially
toxic, canning materials.

God, you're gorgeous.
Mr Pewterschmidt,

I remind you this is on the record.

You ever been with a man who's got a
prostate the size of a beef steak
tomato?

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Oh, crap, it's Carter. I bet he's
mad I told the news about him.

I'll just do what Superman does.

Oh, hey, Carter.
Hello, citizen.

Have you seen Peter?
Aw, he was just here.

Daddy, what's this about? Did Peter
screw something up at work?

No, I'm here because I've got
important news.

Louis, everyone, I've left your
mother

and Tricia Takanawa
is moving in with me.

Holy crap!
What?!

I wanted you to know - I'm in love.

Well, good for you for being honest,
Carter.

It's never good to keep something
that matters to you a secret.

(IN HIS HEAD) Tell her about the
surf camp in Belize, Peter.

Tell her you're going. Tell her it's
your dream and you deserve it.

Tell her it'll make you a better
father. What's that, Peter?

Nothing. Just something stupid.

You're leaving Babs
for Tricia Takanawa?

And I've never been happier!

What about Mom?
Where is Mom?

The sanitarium.
The sanitarium?!

Yeah. I told her I was leaving her
and she freaked out for no reason.

Let me tell you, I don't know why
they call it a sanitarium.

That place is a filthy hellhole.

Oh, my God, that's awful!

Sorry, what did you say?
I was texting Tricia.

She just sent me a picture of her
smoothie.

"Looks good, babe."

All right, class, let's get started.
Stewie, what are you doing?

Why are you dressed like that?
Because I'm your Driver's Ed
instructor, Brian. You're what?

I heard you lost your licence and
I'm gonna help you get it back.

Uh, OK.
Now, we've got a lot to cover.

But first, let's watch
a safety video

designed to terrorise you into being
a responsible motorist.

Come on, kid with a bright future.

I'll give you a no-seatbelt car ride
after this teen kegger party.

I don't know. I'm going
to Harvard Yale tomorrow.

I'd hate to lose it all because of
making poor choices.

Come on, man. I just had a couple of
alcohol beers.

(HIGH PITCHED VOICE) And I'm his
girlfriend cos he has great genitals

and I'm impressed with reckless
behaviour,

so I'm going to reward him with my
mouth while he's driving.

Now let's smoke a marijuana
cigarette while I'm speeding because
of a dare!

Hey, careful. I'd hate for you to be
unresponsive to my pleasuring

while you're driving because of
intoxication.

Stewie, is this about anything but
oral stuff while you're driving?

It's about all facets of driving
safely, yes.

I'm gonna fast-forward.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS)

What a waste. I'm a grizzled,
seen-it-all, veteran cop

and I'm shaking my head
at the senseless waste.

Sir, we've done our police tests.

The driver was being mouth pleased
at the moment of impact.

Lois! Fat-ass!

Family, I want you to meet
Tricia Takanawa.

Hello, everyone.
So happy you came.

Yep, food's on the table. And if
anybody needs some dirty underpants,

the vending machine's right over
there. How nice (!)

Right where my mother's china
cabinet used to be.

Can I please have a dollar for the
vending machine? No, Peter.

I'm getting our coats.
We're leaving.

(JAPANESE WOMAN'S VOICE GIGGLING)

No! Bill too crinkly. Try again.

Still too crinkly.
Your dollar funny!

This must be so difficult for you.
It is.

There's a lot of choices here.
But I ain't talking to you!

I thought you were supposed to be
doing a news story on Carter, not
shacking up with him.

The truth is, all I ever wanted was
to someday have a family of my own.

And I realised Carter could give me
all of that.

A family all your own?

Yes. A family just like this,
in fact,

with a fine son just like you,
Peter.

A son to whom I could one day give a
piece of sour plum candy.

(GASPS) Thank you, Momma Tricia!

But a lazy son who does not make me
proud?

Peter, that son deserves no candy.

(CRIES LIKE A BABY)
I swear, Momma Tricia,

I'm gonna make you the proudest
tiger mom of all.

Not like how Jesus feels
about his kid.

Dad, I got bullied at school.
They flipped up my lunch tray!

Oh, that sucks (!) I wonder if
that's the worst thing that ever
happened to a guy?

Whoa, whoa!

Billy, this guy in this book here,
he's really getting the business.

Yikes! OK, I'm sorry. What happened
at school today?

You're kind of a dick, Dad.

Huh. I wonder if there's anyone in
here whose dad was a bigger dick (?)

Wow, crazy!

Uh, Mom, why is Dad over there
playing chess with Tricia Takanawa?

Because, Chris, your idiot father
thinks she's his new "tiger mom"

and is trying to impress her.

All right, Peter, it's time to
master the game of chess.

OK, that shouldn't be too hard -
No!

You will do it in the traditional
Japanese way -

on a wacky gameshow while a
beautiful woman

beats your scrotum with a reed.

Ow! I don't know which way
the horse goes!

Argh!
(LAUGHING)

Why is that guy laughing at me?
And where is he?

(BUZZER) There was a time limit?
Nobody told me that!

Argh!

Time for Good Door, Bad Door!

Wait, how bad is the bad door?

Grandpa-san,
how bad was the bad door?

Not too bad. But shortly afterwards,
I was almost eaten alive

by an escalator.
(BUZZER)

The game is still going on?!

(LAUGHING)
You lose chess!

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Peter, another way to impress your
Asian tiger mom

is to put on this old-fashioned
baseball hat

and assist Indiana Jones
on his next adventure.

You got it, Momma Tricia!

OK, nice and slow, Dr Jones.

More alcohol and pot. Yeah, let's
get you out of the tub first, Dr
Jones.

I want to fly an old plane.

I'm not sure that's a great idea.
Not a new safe one.

Yeah, yeah, I got that.

Argh! There's a skeleton in my
bedroom!

That's your wife, Dr Jones.

Now maybe today we don't do the
earring?

No! Earring every day!

All right, Brian, let's begin.
Great, let's do it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Stop! (TYRES SCREECH)

Demerit!
What the hell?

Where are your hands, Brian?
Uh, on the steering wheel (?)

Ten and two.

All right, commence.

IPDE, Brian, IPDE!
What?

IPDE. Identify, predict, decide,
execute.

You've got to be constantly IPDEing
everything in your target zone.

I...I don't know what you're saying.

IPDE! Identify, predict -
Yeah, you said that

but it doesn't mean anything -
IPDE that!

It's a child with a ball.
Very good. Identify.

Now, predict.

Predict what?
IPDE!

You keep saying that like it's a
word.

Those four letters don't make a
word. It's not helping me remember
anything.

You've got an oncoming vehicle. Pay
attention to your four to six second
zone.

Four to six second?
IPDE the car, Brian. IPDE the car!

What does that mean? Now check your
gauges with one eye

while keeping your other eye on the
road. My eyes go in the same
direction!

What's your tyre pressure? I
don't...I can't...I'm in the car!
Stop!

Demerit! Stewie, I know how to
drive. I've been driving for years.

(HORN BLASTS) Ever hear of IPDE,
jackass?!

I had a great day with the fat son.

He started to respond positively to
the caning of his buttocks and
knuckles.

Speaking of buttocks and knuckles,
let's fool around.

Mm, sounds good.

I wonder if I can tell you one of my
deepest sexual fantasies.

Let me just burp through my nose for
a second. I've been drinking
Seltzer.

(GRUNTS)
OK, what have you got?

Well, you're going to think
this is silly,

but I love it when a man confesses
to manufacturing improprieties.

Oh, yeah? Well, then you're gonna
love this!

I ordered the brewery to start
making beer cans

out of toxic unsafe metal
just to save a few bucks.

Exactly what I wanted to hear.
Thank you, Carter.

And there you have it, Channel Five
News audience.

This has been Tricia Takanawa
with my undercover expose

of Pawtucket Patriot Brewery.

Up next, is Papa John dyeing his
eyebrows?

I sleep with him to find out,

though I'm fairly confident the
answer is yes.

And...we're clear.
What...what's going on?

I finished my investigation.

But...I don't understand!
I thought we were in love?

I only let you think that. I'm
sorry, it's time for me to go.

Chris?! Hi, Grandpa.
I got an internship.

You mean, you've been working for
Tricia?

Hang on, I gotta get 20 seconds of
room tone.

What's room tone?
Oh, we gotta start again.

I miss her so much, Griffin.

Of all the women I've
institutionalised Babs over,

she's the one who
meant the most to me.

I know. It's like one day she's my
tiger mom and the next day she
isn't.

And the day before that first day,
she also wasn't.

But the point is,
she hurt us, Carter.

We've got to get her back.
We need revenge.

(NEWS JINGLE STARTS)

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.

Coming up next, Nicki Minaj...is a
bear?

But first, congratulations to our
very own Tricia Takanawa.

That's right, Tom. Tricia's recent
expose

on the Pawtucket Patriot Brewery has
been nominated for a local Emmy.

Hm, the "local" really hurts that.

That's it, Griffin. That's how we'll
get our revenge!

You and I will go to the local Emmys

and we'll embarrass Tricia on her
big night in front of all of her
peers!

That's a great idea! Cos people need
to know that she's an even bigger
fraud

than Robert Baden Powell,
the founder of the Boy Scouts.

Ma'am, I'd like to take your son
into the woods.

What? That sounds suspicious.

Well, what if I said we'd both be
wearing shorts and neckerchiefs

and I'd give him little patches
for doing what I say?

So, how did we do? Did you pass your
driver's test?

Uh, yeah. Yeah, I think so.

You brought up IPDE?
As a matter of fact, I did.

He was impressed. No, he had no idea
what I was talking about.

He tried to google it on his phone
and ended up spilling hot coffee
on his balls.

I took him to the ER and he said
he'd pass me if I picked him up in
an hour.

So it DID work! Well,
congratulations, you're getting your
licence back.

I know, it's great. Now I'll be able
to go to those dog parties again.

(PIANO MUSIC PLAYS, GENERAL CHATTER)

There's Tricia!

Now all we need is a distraction
so we can spike her cocktail.

Ha, you leave that to me!

I know something that might distract
all these newspeople.

Maybe if one of us chuckles for no
apparent reason,

everyone else will start chuckling.
Worth a shot.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

(ALL JOINING IN)

All right, they're all news
chuckling. Go, go, go!

(CHUCKLING CONTINUES)

OK, all Tricia's gotta do now
is take one sip

and she'll blow it out of all three
holes right here in front of
everyone.

And that will make us feel better
about our life choices.

Hello, Mother. I'm so happy you
could be here tonight.

Why happy?
You no work for Channel Ten!

Just Channel Five,
only half as good!

Mother, please,
I'm being honoured tonight.

What honour? Connie Chung marry
Maury Povich, form media superteam.

Where your Povich?
You have no Povich!

Wow. Tricia's mom is really coming
down hard on her.

Yeah. And with really
outdated references.

You know, it's no wonder Momma Trish
was so tough on me.

It's the only thing she knows.

And where grandchildren? Who take
care of me when I 121 year old?

Who take care of Irene? No-one!
No-one take care of Irene!

I guess her name is Irene.

Carter, I'm starting to feel bad for
Tricia.

Maybe what she did to us was wrong,
but...

sheesh, look at what her own life
has been like.

I...I don't think I can do this.

Well, this stuff's already in her
drink.

(SLOWED DOWN) Momma Tricia!

No!

(GULPS, SPLASHES)

Where'd you get these?

Oh, I see the guy.

You're a weird guy, Griffin.
Eh, I don't know.

You know, I've just been thinking.

The way you and me fell so fast
for this lady and for no reason?

Maybe the problem ain't Tricia,
you know?

Maybe it's us.
What do you mean?

Well, with my real mom gone,
I guess maybe I just...

needed someone in my life
to fill that role.

Someone who loves me enough to call
me fat and lazy and stupid.

Hm. Maybe you're right.

And maybe I was just looking for a
way to feel young again.

Hey, Carter? We're gonna be OK.

(GROANS VIOLENTLY)

(BREAKS WIND)

Ah, crap, this thing was a rental!

Here's your tux back. Bye!

Well, I'm just glad all this
nonsense with Tricia Takanawa is
over.

Hey, whatever happened with Grandma?

Yeah, that's what everybody was
thinking about, Meg (!) She'll come
back if we need her.

Seriously, thanks for everything you
did to help me get my licence back.

My pleasure.
But now you owe me.

That means one day I'm gonna come to
you and ask for a favour.

But I need to know something. I need
to know that you're gonna say yes

when that day comes.
Uh, OK.

Can we go for ice cream?!
(DOOR OPENS)

Come on!