Family Guy (1998–…): Season 16, Episode 7 - Petey IV - full transcript

# It seems today that all you see

# Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

# But where are those good
old-fashioned values

ALL: # On which we used to rely?

# Lucky there's a Family Guy

# Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

# All the things that make us

# Laugh and cry

# He's a Family Guy #

Hi. It's me, Peter.

You may be wondering what
I'm doing in a library.



Well, I actually drove my car
into this rich guy's house,

and he locked me in here until
the police come. Don't believe me?

I don't know.
I just locked him in the library.
Seems like he's on something.

He's got crazy eyes, and keeps
screaming, 'I don't care.'
I don't care!

Anyway, I've got some time to kill

before this room is filled
with tear gas, so I thought,

"Why not finally read
some of the classics
I never read in high school?"

Here's one right here.
The Great Gatsby.

A book by the only respected guy
in the world named Scott.

STEWIE: It was my first summer
staying at the shore,

but I had a feeling that I,
Nick "The Situation" Carraway,

would fit right in.

Hey, it's Nick
from The Great Gatsby.

I just checked in,
and somebody left their teeth here.



I don't know,
it's just a set of teeth.

I guess men's?

No, I'm not putting them anywhere.
You come and get them.

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

Ugh. The neighbours are having
a party with loud jazz music.

Well, at least annoyingly scatting
over jazz hasn't been invented yet.

(MAN SCATTING)

Oh, that must have
been invented today!

Hey, whose party is this?

I'm not sure. Women aren't allowed
to ask questions yet.

So, what's your name?
Madam, you forget yourself.

That's when I first laid eyes
on him. Jay Gatsby.

He was clearly playing with himself
through his pocket,
but I pretended not to see.

Hello. Welcome to my party.
Name's Gatsby.

Good to meet you, old sport.
Yeah, just a wave is fine.

I'm your new neighbour
Nick Carraway.

Oh, I hope we weren't too loud,
old sport.

Yeah, this "old sport" thing,

is this something you're trying out,
or is this a keeper?

I just met you, so I wanna
tell you something very private.

Let's go out to the dock.

I come down here to think
every night and gaze at
that green light.

It's where the love of my life
lives. Daisy Buchanan.

Um, I hate to break it to you, but
that light you've been looking at

is a gay gym called the Pump House.

I only know that because I saw
a coupon that came with my rental.

Um, anyway, Daisy's house
is over there.

She's my cousin.
Daisy's your cousin?

Yeah. Lot of weird coincidences
for an American classic, huh?

What? I have to see her.
Well, I can set that up.

Um, only thing is she's married.

Yeah, and I hear
her husband's a real heel.

Whoa! Language!
But, yeah, I'll set it up.

Um, tea tomorrow at my house,
2pm. Great.

She's gonna be there, right?
Yeah. Why wouldn't she be there?

I don't know, I'm just getting
a funny vibe from you.

You asked me down
to the docks alone,

and you're getting
a funny vibe from me?

Wow. What an ugly little house.

Oh, yeah, it's not that palace
of domestic abuse you live in.

Whazzup?
Oh, my God. Is it really you?

Oh, I've missed you, Daisy.
You're as beautiful as ever.

You know what else is beautiful?
My bank account. Boom! Rich guy.

You're rich now?
Oh, my God, I love that.

I know, right?
Come on, I'll show you my place.

Oh, you're leaving?
But I made all these devilled eggs.

You made? You know what I meant.

Yeah, you made them. Great job (!)

(GLASS SHATTERS)

You know, one of the best parts
of having an enormous mansion

is being able to come out here
and get some fresh air.

You know, sometimes I just
wanna jump off this balcony
and into that pool down there.

So do it. Yeah, I know, right?
'Do it!'

Yeah. Do it. I know.
I totally should, right?

Here I go. One, two, three... Whoa!
(CHUCKLES) Can you imagine?

Yeah, I can imagine.
It would be fun. You should do it.

If only it were that easy, right?
It is.

It looks deep enough.
It's your pool. It's your house.

You can do whatever you want.
I know, right?

You know what? I can't right now.
My pool guy's cleaning it.

Are you going to bone her?

This is amazing!
I've never seen so many shirts.

Do you have enough to,
you know, throw?

Yeah, you know, they're actually
kind of expensive...

Ah, there she goes.

Shirt! Shirt! Shirt! Shirt! Shirt!

OK, five is good.
Five is probably good.

Shirt! Shirt!
(CHUCKLES) Were you, uh...

Were you this crazy
when we dated before?

Mm, Gatsby, is it?

I've been hearing about your vast,
newly acquired wealth,

and your attentions to my wife.

So I thought I would have you over
to my equally large and fancy,

but imperceptibly more classy mansion
for an awkward dinner.

And, Nick, have you met Jordan?

She plays golf, and is what kids
will someday call a "duff".

Hey, yeah. Nice tam-o'-shanter.
I'll drink your finger bowl
if you don't want it.

In the book, I actually go
on a few dates with Jordan.

We're gonna skip all that.

Anyway, like I was saying,
you're a trash,

cos you earned your money
a little bit more recently than me.

What are you getting at?
I'm saying I invited you over
and sat you next to my wife

to say, 'Stay away from my wife!'

You know what we should do?
Let's drunk-drive to Manhattan,

get a hotel room, and have the same
conversation we're having here.

I'm starting to think this isn't
a very good book.

I'd like to add another bit of
pointless confusion

that will make sense later.
Let's all drive somebody else's car.

Someone can take my coupe.
I'm with Gatsby. I don't care
which car.

I'll take Daisy's car. I don't think
Daisy said you could drive it.

Tom, why don't you take Jay's car?
Who's Jay? Gatsby.

OK, I have never heard
anyone call him that.

Look, if you're in your own car,
you're in the wrong car.

All right, you guys get gas.
I gotta talk to this random
mechanic's horny wife

about some business.
Wilson? Gonna need to fill 'er up!

(Wilson's wife. Fill 'er up. Get it?)

(DOOR LOCKS)
# DEF LEPPARD: Photograph

I don't know what they do up there,

but they sure do listen to
Def Leppard pretty loud.

(BED SQUEAKS)

So, seen any good movies lately?

We just saw
Woman Tied to Railroad Tracks 5.

Pretty similar to 4.
Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

Wow, looks like you guys are getting
a headstart on the Depression here.

(PETER GRUNTS)

Thanks for stopping by, Mr Buchanan.

Yeah, sure. Don't tell anyone
how bad I look naked.

Have fun raising my bastard.
All right, let's head out.

Wait, but first I wanna see
if we're in the funny horn era.

(KLAXON HONK)
Ah-ha! We are!

All right, Gatsby,
you think you're so hot?

Let me show you how a classy guy
does classy stuff.

Hello, room service?

I'd like a bottle of your second-most
expensive champagne.

And I'd like your most
expensive bottle.

Wow. Walked right into that one.

OK, fine. Well, then let's see
who has higher socks.

Nya-ha!

Whatever, Tom. None of that matters.
Daisy's in love with me.

In fact, she's never loved you.
Oh, is that so?

Well, I hear Gatsby didn't even fight
in World War I.

Wait, why is he calling it that?
Is there gonna be another big war?

I'm sorry, Tom. That's right.

I'm in love with Daisy
and she loves me, old sport.

Would anyone like a devilled egg
from a tea I had several days ago?

Well, that was awful,
but I sure do enjoy driving your car
instead of you driving it,

even though we came
in a different car.

Drunk. Don't forget drunk.
You're drunk-driving my car.

Gas and sandwiches!
Get your gas and sandwiches!

(GASPS)

Oh, that must be Tom
since I saw him in that car earlier.

Tom! Tom! It's me!

(GRUNTS)

Oh, no! Myrtle!

Where will I ever find another woman
with a hotter name than Myrtle?

All right, pool, do your thing.

You hungover?
Uh, a little bit, yeah.

OK, we're sort of
racing to the end here,

and with that, I shall
step slightly out of range.

All right, I'm just gonna
take a quick swim.

Oh, my God! Where are the stairs?
There's no stairs!

I'm never gonna make it.

You were standing earlier in the day
next to the car that hit my wife.

(GROANS)

I would soon return to New York
a changed man, because, for me,

that will always be the summer that
I finally put my head underwater.

I did it! I did it!

Aw, I wish somebody had seen that.

(Hi. Me again. I'm not in
that guy's library any more.

I snuck up to the attic
just before the cops busted in.
They're down there now. Look.)

Only problem is
I really want to get to that trunk
of costumes in the corner.

On the one hand, I don't
wanna give away my location.

On the other hand,
there might be a pirate hat.

(FLOOR CREAKS)

Hm, no pirate hat,
but I'll make it work.

Arr! I'm a chef aboard a pirate ship!
Now, who be wantin' pancakes?

COP: I think I hear something
in the attic. Oh, crap.

While I figure out my options,
here's Huckleberry Finn.

Hi, Huckleberry Finn!

Hi, Tom Sawyer.
You're Tom, I'm Huck.

Everybody good?
Yep? All right, let's do this.

Huckleberry Finn, you get
inside this house this minute.

It's Tuesday morning.
It's time for church.

Aw, Widow Douglas, I already been
to church three times today.

I wanna stay home
and play Angry Birds.

(BIRD CHIRPS)

(CHUCKLES) This is addictive.

Hey, I'm your abusive dad,

and I've been drinkin' all day
from this here jug.

Oh, my God, is that a jug
full of porn?

Hey, Widow Douglas,
I wanna live with my dad!

Shut your hole! Now come on,
I need to use your pee.

I'm taking a wagon test
in the morning.

I wish you wouldn't drink so much.

Stop countin' my drinks!
Now get over here so I can whip you!

Ow! Pap! No!

Yeah, that's right, bitch.
Now it's your turn.

(SNORES)

Geez, this is worse
than the Widow Douglas' house.

I gotta get out of here.

I know. I'll fake my own death.

I just need enough blood
to make it look real.

BRIAN: Hey there! You must be Huck.
Great to meet you.

I hope you like it here.
I'm gonna stab you for your blood.

Oh, come on! I just got shot
in the pool in the last one... Ah!

I can't remember why
I needed the blood.

Lord, I'm gonna tell ya,

being a slave is a much worse job
than the temp agency made it sound.

You gonna eat all that possum? I am.

My name's Huck Finn.
What's half of your name? Jim.

Nice to meet you.
I'm a runaway slave.

I'm runnin' away cos people want me
to wear shoes and comb my hair.

So I guess we got
the exact same problem.

(WATER GUSHES)
Hey, what's that sound?

Oh, no! It sounds like...

a waterfall!

Hold on!

We died.

So, wait. We didn't die?
I don't know. It's all just jokes.

Ah! Did you see that? What?
I just skipped that rock six times!

That's a once-in-a-lifetime skip.
That's nice.

You don't believe me, do ya?
I believe we've been
out here a long time,

and a man's mind begins
to play tricks on him.

It happened for real!
I can't believe you didn't see it!

Of course I saw it. Most amazing
damn thing I ever did witness,

but I wasn't gonna tell Huck,
cos he claimed he didn't see me
hook-shot that apple core

into the garbage from way far away.

Hello, friends.
Why are you so friendly?
You con men?

No, we're businessmen. We're
fake-selling the Brooklyn Bridge.

(Don't say "fake".)
We're real-selling
the Brooklyn Bridge.

(Stop qualifying the selling. We're
just selling the Brooklyn Bridge.)

I'll buy it. Hold on, now, Huck.
These fellas are con men.

Push off, you grifters.
We don't wanna ever see you again.

Fine, we're going!

It's a river. We can't control how
fast it goes. We can barely steer!

Sorry.

Hey, what if it's spelled with
an "A" at the end of it? Is that OK?

Jim? Jim?

Jim? Jim?

If you're looking for a gym,
Ye Olde Pump House is that way.

Can't miss it.
Green light on a dock.

Tom Sawyer?
What are you doing so far from home?

Rush is playing here tonight.
They wrote a song about me.

Well, I'm looking for my friend Jim.
Huck! Great news! I'm free!

You are? That's awesome!
When did that happen?

It's just being revealed now, but
it happened hundreds of pages ago.

Oh. Huh. Weird.

So, uh, what's left to do?

I'll tell you what. Rush concert!

# RUSH: Tom Sawyer

# A modern-day warrior,
mean, mean stride, today's Tom Sawyer

# Mean, mean stride #

Hey. I'm Mark Twain.
Pretty cool book, huh?

Well, while I'm being booked
and processed downtown,

we have time for one more classic
of American literature.

This one's about idiots
choking rodents.

I give you Of Mice and Men.
Read him his rights.

You know what?
I'd like to read 'em myself.

'Chapter 1: Eat My Ass, Pigs.'

(GRUNTS) Ah! The bones in my nose!

Wow. I remember when this used to be
all orange groves.

It's...It's currently
all orange groves.

Tell me again about our dream,
George. All right, all right.

We're going to open
a bed-and-breakfast in the country,

and we won't be afraid
to let our guests know

that we are Steelers fans
in this house.

What about the rabbits?
Yeah, we'll have rabbits, too,

but we'll also have a sign
in the front that says,

'Steelers fan parking only.'

And sometimes we'll give our guests
a fake hard time.

Like if they're Jets fans,
we'll be all like,

'OK, I hope you don't get towed,'

but obviously, of course,
we're not gonna tow 'em.

Hey there, strangers.
Welcome to Phelps Ranch.

People call me Slim.
Ironically, I assume.

We're looking for field work,
uh, if you need any extra hands.

Well, three of our guys
did just get squished,

so we just might. Come on in.

So, have you done
this kind of work before?

Have we pulled an object off a plant
and placed it in a burlap bag?

Yes, I think we understand
the nuances of this profession.

Good, good. And how about you?
Tell me about yourself.

I like to kill animals
and then a lady.

I got a good feeling about you guys.

All right, you guys are doing great.

Hey, listen, my dog just had puppies,
and I thought,

since you're covered with faeces
and I barely know you,

I'd give you a delicate, snow-white,
newborn puppy.

Just don't give me
to Dead-Eyes over there,

cos I've been killed twice in
the other stories, and I don't want-

Puppy! Ah! (BLEEP)

This puppy doesn't work.

Well, well, well...

As you can tell
by the "well, well, well",
he's the bad guy.

Looks like we got us
some new employees.

That's right, Curley,
I hired 'em this morning.

Well, tell 'em to get out.
This is where I practise my karate,
cos I'm a dick.

I understand you like to pick fruit.

You ever pick something
bruised and pear-shaped?

Fruit has seeds you can poo out!

Hey, Hodor, stop coming on
to my slutty wife!

Look, I can tell by the fact
that you wear

a single,
Vaseline-filled leather glove
that you're a reasonable man.

So let's all take a deep breath
and calm down. No! Karate chop!

(GRUNTS)

(BONES CRACK) (YELLS)

Dammit! I tuck my jeans
into my boots!

I'll get you, you stupid,
giant moron!

Not great timing, I know,

but can I leave early
for a dentist appointment?

So, I should be home by 10:00.

It's just this piano-bar/cabaret
place called Tinkles.

Rory told me about it.
Who's Rory? You remember him.

The field hand who gave me
a shoulder ride back to the house?
That was Rory.

Anyway, it sounds
like it's just a hoot.

Wow, maybe you'll meet a pretty lady
to get married to there.

Yeah, well, that's the idea.

While you're gone,
can I touch myself?

Uh, again, you don't have to
schedule that with me,

but remember,
if there's any trouble,

we meet by the big tree
on the edge of town.

Everything in my head is screaming.
All right, then, I am off.

Well, hello there.

If it isn't the sexy imbecile.
Oh, hi.

Sorry about what I did
to your husband earlier.

Yes, that was quite a hand job
you did on him.

You know, I'm not so bad
at those myself.

I'm not gonna lie to you,
you're wasting your double entendres
on me.

I want you to destroy me.

OK!

# Jeepers creepers
Where'd you get those peepers?

# Jeepers creepers
Where'd you get those eyes? #

Thank you. Thank you.

Oh, I just love a song
that explains what it just said.

(WHISPERS)

(SIGHS) All right, evidently
I have to go to the big tree

on the edge of town
to take care of something.

This shouldn't take too long.
Do not take my songs off the list.

I'm sorry, George,
I didn't mean to kill the girl,

and now the whole town's
gonna hang me by a rope.

Oh, I would never let that happen.
Thanks.

Tell me about the rabbits, George.
Sure thing, but while I do that,

why don't you face away from me
and count the stars? OK.

All right. So, the B&B will have
a rack of single-gear bikes
for every guest,

and, yes, next to that, of course,
is going to be

the big, giant rabbit hutch.
Buh-bye, Lennie.

Goodnight, kids.
Good luck with those book reports.

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