Family Guy (1998–…): Season 16, Episode 6 - The D in Apartment 23 - full transcript
Brian gets kicked out of the house for posting an offensive tweet that goes viral.
# It seems today that all you see
# Is violence in movies,
and sex on TV
# But where are those good,
old-fashioned values
ALL: # On which we used to rely?
# Lucky there's a family guy
# Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
# All the things that make us
# Laugh and cry
# He's a family guy #
MAN: (ON TV) We now return
to Rational Geographic.
Upon realising a trip to Africa
would be smelly and gross,
our crew decided
to stay in the office.
(FANFARE-TYPE THEME MUSIC)
Ah! Mom, Dad! A bat, a bat!
Oh, my God,
there's a bat in the house.
OK, everybody just calm down,
it might just be Grandpa Munster.
Somebody set him up for a funny joke.
Hey, Grandpa,
how did you sleep last night?
Yeah, see, if it was him,
he would have said,
'Like I do every night, upside down.'
(LAUGHS) OK.
But, Peter, we can't have
a bat flying around the house.
We gotta do something. Don't worry,
Lois. I'll get rid of it.
It'll be a piece of cake.
Just like my penis enhancement.
I want it to hang down to my knees.
They moved up my knees.
Everybody, I've come up with
the perfect plan to catch the bat.
I bought this remote-controlled
toy helicopter,
to which I have
attached this handgun,
and I tell you,
this thing is not easy to fly.
Peter, that doesn't seem very -
Here goes.
I don't have anything
to control the trigger with,
so I put it on a timer,
but I don't remember
how long I set it.
Ahhh! We're all gonna die!
OK, so, now the bat has a gun,
and the knives I gave him.
What? Why would you give him knives?
I didn't think it would matter. I was
counting on the helicopter working.
Peter? Where are you?
What's going on?
In order to understand the bat,
we must first understand the vampire.
So I watched
Interview With the Vampire.
Cast your gaze upon Lestat.
Peter, you're not a vampire.
Oh? Then why am I clad
in velvet pants
tucked into soft leather boots?
And why does my shirt billow so
in the wind of that rotating fan?
Peter, what's really going on?
I'm just tryin' to reinvent my look.
A guy at work said I dress like crap.
Well, you show 'em tomorrow, Peter.
How'd it go? I was sent home
early and labelled a distraction.
They're having a meeting
about me tomorrow.
(ALARM BEEPS)
(STAMMERS) What's wrong?
Are we taking a terrible
7:00am flight?
No, no. I realised to catch a bat,
I need to live like a bat.
So I got to be up at night.
It's a nocturnal mission, Lois.
OK, but what are you gonna do?
Well, as everyone knows, bats watch
a tonne of Cinemax softcore porn,
so that seems
like the place to start.
(WOMAN GIGGLING ON TV)
A-ha!
(BAT SCREECHES)
MAN: (ON TV) Welcome back
to CNBC's Moneyline.
Oh, come on, man,
nobody's buyin' that.
You expect me to believe
you own stocks?
Bat Industries was up $2 a share
today in heavy trading. Huh.
Get back here! Damn it!
Argh!
I got you now, Bat Damon.
I named you Bat Damon.
Aw, now I want you to live.
(SCREECHES)
Ahhh! What is it?
Ah!
Ow!
You can beat me, but I am who I am!
Peter, what the hell did you do
to Stewie's hand?
It could be broken.
I didn't mean to.
It's just sometimes
I don't think before I act.
Oh, hey, high-five.
Hey, did you just
high-five that sign? Yeah.
You think differently. Get in.
His name was Derek,
but he went by "the Prophet"
when times were good,
or "the Law Giver "
when times were bad.
I moved onto his prayer farm
with 45 other members
of the Salvation Star Boys,
who died in a mass suicide,
but not me,
cos I don't like root beer,
and I only drink what I like.
After it was all over, I called
Lois to pick me up. She was mad,
but she's what Derek calls
an Oppressing Doubter.
May the light of Derek's
invincible diamond shine through you.
Oh, thank you so much for coming
in early, Dr Hartman.
Oh, no problem.
Hell, I used to work here. What?
Good news.
Stewie's hand looks fine.
Oh, hey, high-five.
Huh. As long as you're here,
I see Stewie hasn't had
his vaccinations yet.
Should we take care of that?
Well, I suppose so.
Oh, but first, I'm required
to have you read this pamphlet
about the risks of vaccinations.
God, you are ageing so rapidly.
'Possible side effects,
fever, severe allergic reaction,
muscle and joint pain.'
Wait, and this can't be right.
They actually put some
of the disease in the shot?
Hey, man, how many questions
your lady ask?
Uh, like, a million?
But I don't remember having
to read any of this
when Chris and Meg
had their vaccinations.
That was before Internet chat
rooms made everybody an expert.
It's a better world now.
I don't know about this, Dr Hartman.
We might need a little
bit of time to think this over.
Yeah, cos we don't wanna make
a big mistake. Like when I peed
next to the chatty guy.
(FIRE ALARM RINGS)
Man, we should get out of here,
the building's on fire.
Hey, pal, not now, I'm busy.
Anyway, I'll tell you
what's on fire, my urethra.
That's the last time
I go to a water park,
I'll tell you that much.
Well, that's not completely true,
cos I have a Groupon,
and I'd hate to waste it.
Plus, the truth is, the kids...
Oh, my God, I was the chatty guy.
Hey, you guys, is that my laptop?
Yeah, sorry, we were
looking something up.
We were gonna get Stewie vaccinated,
but now, after our research,
we're definitely not.
Ah, no, Lois, don't tell me you fell
for all that anti-vaxxer crap.
It's not crap, Brian.
There's a lot of evidence
to suggest there's a link
between vaccinations and autism.
Lois, all that so-called evidence
has been debunked.
Listen to some of these ingredients,
'Mercury, thimerosal,
aluminium, formaldehyde.'
Lois, deciding not
to vaccinate Stewie
is something that affects all of us.
The only reason they work is that
if a mass of society gets immunised,
then the diseases won't spread.
Brian, I was sceptical, too,
but then I did some research,
and I found some very
interesting things from the leader
of the anti-vaccination movement
Jenny McCarthy.
See? Proof.
Hard to argue with that.
And look at this one.
Glasses. Case closed.
I can't believe you guys.
You're contributing to a potential
public health disaster by not
vaccinating your child.
That's exactly the point. My child.
He's my child, and nothing matters
more than his well-being.
Oh, God, this is gonna
be a Lois story, isn't it?
Game of Thrones is on,
just a reminder.
Yeah, we made this mistake before.
We got the other kids vaccinated,
but Meg still got chicken pox.
Dad, this is acne.
Girl, you nasty.
You realise the vast majority
of people think you're wrong.
Well, maybe that's the problem.
We just got to change their minds.
We're gettin' this town to change
its mind about vaccinations.
Yeah. I'm with you.
Just as soon as I finish
gettin' the word out
about the one thing more important.
The brothers who made
The Matrix are ladies now!
They're ladies!
Just one of 'em?
That's the thing! It's both of 'em!
What are the chances?
What are the chances?
The brothers who made
The Matrix are ladies now!
All right, come on, Peter,
I've got all the stuff
for our anti-vaccination rally.
It's bad enough you guys aren't
vaccinating Stewie.
Now you're convincing others
to make the same reckless choice?
I'm also gonna pet a bunch
of dogs without asking.
Don't do that. We don't like that.
Then I'm gonna try
and look at their teeth.
Brian, all we want is for
parents to have the choice,
because parents know
what's best for their kids.
I hear Sansa finally
shows boob in this one.
You do realise they're
putting your life in danger
by not getting you immunised.
You could get measles, mumps,
rubella, whooping cough.
Oh, my God, are you serious?
Very serious.
Even the tiniest germ
could make you very ill,
and left untreated, kill you.
Really? I'd expect this from
the fat man, but not Lois.
Although she did act like a nutcase
that time she went shopping
right before Thanksgiving.
Ready for Turkey Day?
A-ha. Clever.
Don't eat too much turkey tomorrow.
Oh, I won't.
Now, if only the meal
would cook itself, huh?
(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)
Parents of Quahog and weekend dads
playing three minutes of catch,
do you know that the number
of childhood vaccines
has tripled in the last generation?
And why is that?
Because heartless corporations
make billions of dollars
by foisting garbage
and poison upon our children.
We demand that these vaccines
be tested by independent
researchers,
not by the companies who make them.
Excuse me, are you the lady
selling the bullhorn?
What? No.
I'm over here.
Oh, damn it.
This doesn't seem to be working.
Well, obviously, Lois.
You can't just go to a park
and list a bunch of boring facts.
You got to spice things up.
Like I did when I was a lounge
singer with uneven lyric density.
This is a song I wrote
for my beautiful girlfriend.
# Her name is Kim
# I don't understand why your father
has such problems with us, Kim
# Mostly I think it's because I don't
make my car payments on time
# But also because I was dating
someone else at the same time as Kim
# 2, 3, 4
# 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11
# Kim, I love you
# But mostly I love that you let me
eat crackers in the bed
# Kim #
Thank you!
(DRUMMING RHYTHMICALLY)
Eh, that's enough of that.
What the hell?
Peter, is that you on TV right now?
Oh, yeah, that's my
anti-vaccination PSA.
Hi, I'm a medical guy,
and I'm here to give you
the facts about vaccs.
Fact. Vaccinations cause autism,
paralysis, and even
death, death, death, death, death,
death, death, death, death.
Fact. Vaccinate
rhymes with masturbate.
Would you let a doctor
do that to your kid?
Fact. I still think Michelle Williams
is Carey Mulligan.
Fact!
Medical delivery
for badass karate doctor.
Ah, yes, those must
be the bones and skulls.
I see no boob bones,
the victim was a man.
Wow.
(GUITAR RIFF)
MAN: # Oh, yeah #
ANNOUNCER: Say "no" to vaccines.
Paid for with Meg's college fund.
What the hell is all this?
I'm trying to protect myself
from all those diseases
I'm not vaccinated against.
Speaking of which,
do you have any idea the germs
you routinely track into this house?
From now on, you wear these shoes
while indoors.
Where'd you get those?
Put 'em on and lick your lips.
Stewie, you might
be taking this too far.
Proper hygiene depends
on everyone, Brian.
I've already Saran-wrapped Chris.
I'm a gas station sandwich.
We interrupt this programme
with breaking news.
Childhood vaccination rates in Quahog
have dropped to an all-time low,
fuelled by a recent media campaign
led by local meddler Peter Griffin,
shown here in the basket
of Henry Thomas's bicycle.
That can't be real, right?
Oh, I knew one of these
had to be my house.
Damn it, Peter, thanks to you,
nobody in this town
is vaccinating their kids any more.
Do you realise
the harm you've caused? Harm?
What are you talking about?
I'm making the world a better place.
Like when I was the Instagram police.
(POLICE SIRENS BLARING)
Sorry, lady, got to crop the chotch.
I will take this.
And cutaway complete.
Man, there is a lot of bad art
in these hallways.
All right, Stewie,
see you after school.
Wait a minute,
where are all the other kids?
Haven't you heard?
There's been an outbreak of measles.
It's all because everyone
stopped vaccinating their kids.
Oh, my God.
And it's not just our school.
Kids all over town
are getting sick. (SIREN WAILS)
MAN: (OVER PA) Attention.
Attention. What the hell?
People of Quahog,
your town is under quarantine.
Until further notice, no-one
may enter or leave the city.
Oh, that's the guy who bought
the bullhorn at the park.
Oh, this is awful.
It's all our fault.
And look, Joe's arguing with a state
policeman over jurisdiction.
Thanks, Swanson,
we'll take it from here.
It's a state matter now.
No way, this is my town.
Thanks, guys,
the feds will take it from here.
Oh, no, this is my state.
Hi, I'm a crossing guard
who can walk,
so I have jurisdiction
over all of you.
Must be serious.
They brought in the big guns.
You happy now, Lois? Because of you,
there's a measles epidemic,
and the whole town is quarantined.
Speak for yourself, Brian.
I, for one, am enjoying
the indoor family time.
Who's up for another game
of hot-breath telephone?
(WHISPERS)
We're all gonna die!
Chris, you're supposed to whisper
that to the next person.
Peter, Brian's right.
We were wrong about everything.
We've got to get to the hospital
and get Stewie vaccinated.
It might be a little too late
for that.
I, kind of, destroyed
all the vaccines in town.
All right, what else
did I have to do today?
Ah, yes, overdose in my apartment.
I better get home.
You destroyed all the vaccines?
Yeah, but it's fine.
There's nothing to worry about.
Is anyone else feeling feverish,
achy, and acutely sensitive to light?
Oh, my God, Peter.
You've got measles.
Now, hold on, hold on,
before we all freak out,
it might just be full-body herpes.
Wait, you guys, Dad might not
have been vaccinated.
Didn't Grandma say
he was born in Mexico?
Nobody remembers that, Meg.
We got to keep you away from Stewie.
You'll get him sick.
Oh, my little guy's gonna be fine.
All he needs is a good, old-fashioned
game of hot-breath telephone.
(Measles.)
Ah! I've got to get out
of this house,
or I'll be in worse shape
than John Goodman.
I've got your EKG here.
How does it look?
Well, it spells out "pancakes."
Oh, OK, so same as last time.
I'm recommending you go on
a strict diet immediately.
Nope.
Horses that make it look like I can
walk, take me to Hollywood!
All right, I'm almost done packing.
I've got it down
to four bags and a hatbox.
I'm gonna need some help, Rupert.
Rupert?
Ew, that's the tushie thermometer.
Dear God, you're burning up!
I have to get out of here!
I'm sorry, Rupert, but the situation
here has become unbearable.
Like talking to someone
with adult braces.
So, yeah, last weekend, Sheila and I
took the kids up to the lake,
it was great.
We had great weather,
fired up the barbecue,
Sheila's parents came up
towards the end of the week -
When are you gonna get those off?
Meg, you must carry on my legacy.
Promise me you'll crop the chotches.
Crop them, Meg. Crop them all.
Peter, Stewie's gone!
I've looked everywhere!
Oh, Lois, I feel a little better.
I think I could keep down
devilled eggs.
Lois, what's wrong?
I can't find Stewie.
He must've gotten out of the house.
God knows how far he's gone.
Well, look, there's
a Family Circus dotted path.
It'll lead us right to him.
Ah, it's just Billy.
He died of measles.
And here comes Marmaduke
to lick up the vomit.
Lucky.
If I can just escape this quarantine
and make it to the next town,
I'll be able to get
that vaccine I need.
Stewie! I'm you from the future!
You've got to get out of town
before you get sick!
Yeah, I know. That's what I'm doing.
OK, I'm really here
because I know you have glue.
Give me the glue.
(SNIFFS) Ah.
Stewie, listen to me, never,
ever do this great thing I love.
There's the bridge out of town.
So, we're all there at the Clam,
just, kind of, making music together,
and then Peter, of course,
had to join in and clap his hands,
and I said,
'Eh, that's enough of that.'
(CHUCKLES)
Yeah, I, kind of, run the group.
I'll just have to go around them.
Good Lord.
I hope my shoe doesn't fall to make
me realise how far the drop is.
Oh, my orthotic was in there.
Stewie?
Where are you?
Lois, what's going on?
That's one of my sidekicks' wives.
He says he's in charge
of the group, is that true?
No, not in the slightest,
but, Joe, Stewie's gone missing.
We can't find him anywhere.
Lois, look!
I don't know if he can hold on much
longer. We got to get him down.
Stewie, hang on! Mommy's coming!
Oh, no, upside-down train!
(YELLS)
Stewie!
Oh, no!
Sean Penn?
That's right, two-time
Oscar winner Sean Penn.
What are you doing here?
I'm bringing vaccines
into your quarantined town.
Any time there's
a public health crisis
in a third-world land, I'm there.
Third world? This is Rhode Island.
Oh, really? Have you seen some
of the delis on Federal Hill?
Oh, ho, ho! Rhode Island slam!
(LAUGHS) I like you, Sean Penn.
Oh, my God, you saved my baby.
Thank you so mu... Oh. Sean Penn.
You're the one who played
that homosexual. Yeah.
All right, well,
I'll take my son now.
I've brought enough vaccines
for your whole town.
I hope you've realised
that vaccinations are not
a freedom of choice issue,
they're a public health issue.
Thanks to them,
countless serious diseases,
mumps, polio, smallpox, and rubella
have been all but eradicated.
Like clean water
and functional schools,
vaccinations are a human right.
Great, just what I needed,
a lecture from liberal Hollywood.
This whole thing has been
a lecture from liberal Hollywood.
Well, it's a relief that everyone's
been vaccinated,
and the quarantine has been lifted.
Well, I'm just happy that Stewie is
healthy, and only 150 people died,
but not anyone we knew personally.
Yeah, I know I sure learnt something.
(KNOCK ON WINDOW)
Hey, do you like apples?
Yeah.
Well, I got her number.
How do you like them apples?
Oh, Bat Damon!
You got the best of me again!
subtitles by Deluxe
.
# Is violence in movies,
and sex on TV
# But where are those good,
old-fashioned values
ALL: # On which we used to rely?
# Lucky there's a family guy
# Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
# All the things that make us
# Laugh and cry
# He's a family guy #
MAN: (ON TV) We now return
to Rational Geographic.
Upon realising a trip to Africa
would be smelly and gross,
our crew decided
to stay in the office.
(FANFARE-TYPE THEME MUSIC)
Ah! Mom, Dad! A bat, a bat!
Oh, my God,
there's a bat in the house.
OK, everybody just calm down,
it might just be Grandpa Munster.
Somebody set him up for a funny joke.
Hey, Grandpa,
how did you sleep last night?
Yeah, see, if it was him,
he would have said,
'Like I do every night, upside down.'
(LAUGHS) OK.
But, Peter, we can't have
a bat flying around the house.
We gotta do something. Don't worry,
Lois. I'll get rid of it.
It'll be a piece of cake.
Just like my penis enhancement.
I want it to hang down to my knees.
They moved up my knees.
Everybody, I've come up with
the perfect plan to catch the bat.
I bought this remote-controlled
toy helicopter,
to which I have
attached this handgun,
and I tell you,
this thing is not easy to fly.
Peter, that doesn't seem very -
Here goes.
I don't have anything
to control the trigger with,
so I put it on a timer,
but I don't remember
how long I set it.
Ahhh! We're all gonna die!
OK, so, now the bat has a gun,
and the knives I gave him.
What? Why would you give him knives?
I didn't think it would matter. I was
counting on the helicopter working.
Peter? Where are you?
What's going on?
In order to understand the bat,
we must first understand the vampire.
So I watched
Interview With the Vampire.
Cast your gaze upon Lestat.
Peter, you're not a vampire.
Oh? Then why am I clad
in velvet pants
tucked into soft leather boots?
And why does my shirt billow so
in the wind of that rotating fan?
Peter, what's really going on?
I'm just tryin' to reinvent my look.
A guy at work said I dress like crap.
Well, you show 'em tomorrow, Peter.
How'd it go? I was sent home
early and labelled a distraction.
They're having a meeting
about me tomorrow.
(ALARM BEEPS)
(STAMMERS) What's wrong?
Are we taking a terrible
7:00am flight?
No, no. I realised to catch a bat,
I need to live like a bat.
So I got to be up at night.
It's a nocturnal mission, Lois.
OK, but what are you gonna do?
Well, as everyone knows, bats watch
a tonne of Cinemax softcore porn,
so that seems
like the place to start.
(WOMAN GIGGLING ON TV)
A-ha!
(BAT SCREECHES)
MAN: (ON TV) Welcome back
to CNBC's Moneyline.
Oh, come on, man,
nobody's buyin' that.
You expect me to believe
you own stocks?
Bat Industries was up $2 a share
today in heavy trading. Huh.
Get back here! Damn it!
Argh!
I got you now, Bat Damon.
I named you Bat Damon.
Aw, now I want you to live.
(SCREECHES)
Ahhh! What is it?
Ah!
Ow!
You can beat me, but I am who I am!
Peter, what the hell did you do
to Stewie's hand?
It could be broken.
I didn't mean to.
It's just sometimes
I don't think before I act.
Oh, hey, high-five.
Hey, did you just
high-five that sign? Yeah.
You think differently. Get in.
His name was Derek,
but he went by "the Prophet"
when times were good,
or "the Law Giver "
when times were bad.
I moved onto his prayer farm
with 45 other members
of the Salvation Star Boys,
who died in a mass suicide,
but not me,
cos I don't like root beer,
and I only drink what I like.
After it was all over, I called
Lois to pick me up. She was mad,
but she's what Derek calls
an Oppressing Doubter.
May the light of Derek's
invincible diamond shine through you.
Oh, thank you so much for coming
in early, Dr Hartman.
Oh, no problem.
Hell, I used to work here. What?
Good news.
Stewie's hand looks fine.
Oh, hey, high-five.
Huh. As long as you're here,
I see Stewie hasn't had
his vaccinations yet.
Should we take care of that?
Well, I suppose so.
Oh, but first, I'm required
to have you read this pamphlet
about the risks of vaccinations.
God, you are ageing so rapidly.
'Possible side effects,
fever, severe allergic reaction,
muscle and joint pain.'
Wait, and this can't be right.
They actually put some
of the disease in the shot?
Hey, man, how many questions
your lady ask?
Uh, like, a million?
But I don't remember having
to read any of this
when Chris and Meg
had their vaccinations.
That was before Internet chat
rooms made everybody an expert.
It's a better world now.
I don't know about this, Dr Hartman.
We might need a little
bit of time to think this over.
Yeah, cos we don't wanna make
a big mistake. Like when I peed
next to the chatty guy.
(FIRE ALARM RINGS)
Man, we should get out of here,
the building's on fire.
Hey, pal, not now, I'm busy.
Anyway, I'll tell you
what's on fire, my urethra.
That's the last time
I go to a water park,
I'll tell you that much.
Well, that's not completely true,
cos I have a Groupon,
and I'd hate to waste it.
Plus, the truth is, the kids...
Oh, my God, I was the chatty guy.
Hey, you guys, is that my laptop?
Yeah, sorry, we were
looking something up.
We were gonna get Stewie vaccinated,
but now, after our research,
we're definitely not.
Ah, no, Lois, don't tell me you fell
for all that anti-vaxxer crap.
It's not crap, Brian.
There's a lot of evidence
to suggest there's a link
between vaccinations and autism.
Lois, all that so-called evidence
has been debunked.
Listen to some of these ingredients,
'Mercury, thimerosal,
aluminium, formaldehyde.'
Lois, deciding not
to vaccinate Stewie
is something that affects all of us.
The only reason they work is that
if a mass of society gets immunised,
then the diseases won't spread.
Brian, I was sceptical, too,
but then I did some research,
and I found some very
interesting things from the leader
of the anti-vaccination movement
Jenny McCarthy.
See? Proof.
Hard to argue with that.
And look at this one.
Glasses. Case closed.
I can't believe you guys.
You're contributing to a potential
public health disaster by not
vaccinating your child.
That's exactly the point. My child.
He's my child, and nothing matters
more than his well-being.
Oh, God, this is gonna
be a Lois story, isn't it?
Game of Thrones is on,
just a reminder.
Yeah, we made this mistake before.
We got the other kids vaccinated,
but Meg still got chicken pox.
Dad, this is acne.
Girl, you nasty.
You realise the vast majority
of people think you're wrong.
Well, maybe that's the problem.
We just got to change their minds.
We're gettin' this town to change
its mind about vaccinations.
Yeah. I'm with you.
Just as soon as I finish
gettin' the word out
about the one thing more important.
The brothers who made
The Matrix are ladies now!
They're ladies!
Just one of 'em?
That's the thing! It's both of 'em!
What are the chances?
What are the chances?
The brothers who made
The Matrix are ladies now!
All right, come on, Peter,
I've got all the stuff
for our anti-vaccination rally.
It's bad enough you guys aren't
vaccinating Stewie.
Now you're convincing others
to make the same reckless choice?
I'm also gonna pet a bunch
of dogs without asking.
Don't do that. We don't like that.
Then I'm gonna try
and look at their teeth.
Brian, all we want is for
parents to have the choice,
because parents know
what's best for their kids.
I hear Sansa finally
shows boob in this one.
You do realise they're
putting your life in danger
by not getting you immunised.
You could get measles, mumps,
rubella, whooping cough.
Oh, my God, are you serious?
Very serious.
Even the tiniest germ
could make you very ill,
and left untreated, kill you.
Really? I'd expect this from
the fat man, but not Lois.
Although she did act like a nutcase
that time she went shopping
right before Thanksgiving.
Ready for Turkey Day?
A-ha. Clever.
Don't eat too much turkey tomorrow.
Oh, I won't.
Now, if only the meal
would cook itself, huh?
(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)
Parents of Quahog and weekend dads
playing three minutes of catch,
do you know that the number
of childhood vaccines
has tripled in the last generation?
And why is that?
Because heartless corporations
make billions of dollars
by foisting garbage
and poison upon our children.
We demand that these vaccines
be tested by independent
researchers,
not by the companies who make them.
Excuse me, are you the lady
selling the bullhorn?
What? No.
I'm over here.
Oh, damn it.
This doesn't seem to be working.
Well, obviously, Lois.
You can't just go to a park
and list a bunch of boring facts.
You got to spice things up.
Like I did when I was a lounge
singer with uneven lyric density.
This is a song I wrote
for my beautiful girlfriend.
# Her name is Kim
# I don't understand why your father
has such problems with us, Kim
# Mostly I think it's because I don't
make my car payments on time
# But also because I was dating
someone else at the same time as Kim
# 2, 3, 4
# 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11
# Kim, I love you
# But mostly I love that you let me
eat crackers in the bed
# Kim #
Thank you!
(DRUMMING RHYTHMICALLY)
Eh, that's enough of that.
What the hell?
Peter, is that you on TV right now?
Oh, yeah, that's my
anti-vaccination PSA.
Hi, I'm a medical guy,
and I'm here to give you
the facts about vaccs.
Fact. Vaccinations cause autism,
paralysis, and even
death, death, death, death, death,
death, death, death, death.
Fact. Vaccinate
rhymes with masturbate.
Would you let a doctor
do that to your kid?
Fact. I still think Michelle Williams
is Carey Mulligan.
Fact!
Medical delivery
for badass karate doctor.
Ah, yes, those must
be the bones and skulls.
I see no boob bones,
the victim was a man.
Wow.
(GUITAR RIFF)
MAN: # Oh, yeah #
ANNOUNCER: Say "no" to vaccines.
Paid for with Meg's college fund.
What the hell is all this?
I'm trying to protect myself
from all those diseases
I'm not vaccinated against.
Speaking of which,
do you have any idea the germs
you routinely track into this house?
From now on, you wear these shoes
while indoors.
Where'd you get those?
Put 'em on and lick your lips.
Stewie, you might
be taking this too far.
Proper hygiene depends
on everyone, Brian.
I've already Saran-wrapped Chris.
I'm a gas station sandwich.
We interrupt this programme
with breaking news.
Childhood vaccination rates in Quahog
have dropped to an all-time low,
fuelled by a recent media campaign
led by local meddler Peter Griffin,
shown here in the basket
of Henry Thomas's bicycle.
That can't be real, right?
Oh, I knew one of these
had to be my house.
Damn it, Peter, thanks to you,
nobody in this town
is vaccinating their kids any more.
Do you realise
the harm you've caused? Harm?
What are you talking about?
I'm making the world a better place.
Like when I was the Instagram police.
(POLICE SIRENS BLARING)
Sorry, lady, got to crop the chotch.
I will take this.
And cutaway complete.
Man, there is a lot of bad art
in these hallways.
All right, Stewie,
see you after school.
Wait a minute,
where are all the other kids?
Haven't you heard?
There's been an outbreak of measles.
It's all because everyone
stopped vaccinating their kids.
Oh, my God.
And it's not just our school.
Kids all over town
are getting sick. (SIREN WAILS)
MAN: (OVER PA) Attention.
Attention. What the hell?
People of Quahog,
your town is under quarantine.
Until further notice, no-one
may enter or leave the city.
Oh, that's the guy who bought
the bullhorn at the park.
Oh, this is awful.
It's all our fault.
And look, Joe's arguing with a state
policeman over jurisdiction.
Thanks, Swanson,
we'll take it from here.
It's a state matter now.
No way, this is my town.
Thanks, guys,
the feds will take it from here.
Oh, no, this is my state.
Hi, I'm a crossing guard
who can walk,
so I have jurisdiction
over all of you.
Must be serious.
They brought in the big guns.
You happy now, Lois? Because of you,
there's a measles epidemic,
and the whole town is quarantined.
Speak for yourself, Brian.
I, for one, am enjoying
the indoor family time.
Who's up for another game
of hot-breath telephone?
(WHISPERS)
We're all gonna die!
Chris, you're supposed to whisper
that to the next person.
Peter, Brian's right.
We were wrong about everything.
We've got to get to the hospital
and get Stewie vaccinated.
It might be a little too late
for that.
I, kind of, destroyed
all the vaccines in town.
All right, what else
did I have to do today?
Ah, yes, overdose in my apartment.
I better get home.
You destroyed all the vaccines?
Yeah, but it's fine.
There's nothing to worry about.
Is anyone else feeling feverish,
achy, and acutely sensitive to light?
Oh, my God, Peter.
You've got measles.
Now, hold on, hold on,
before we all freak out,
it might just be full-body herpes.
Wait, you guys, Dad might not
have been vaccinated.
Didn't Grandma say
he was born in Mexico?
Nobody remembers that, Meg.
We got to keep you away from Stewie.
You'll get him sick.
Oh, my little guy's gonna be fine.
All he needs is a good, old-fashioned
game of hot-breath telephone.
(Measles.)
Ah! I've got to get out
of this house,
or I'll be in worse shape
than John Goodman.
I've got your EKG here.
How does it look?
Well, it spells out "pancakes."
Oh, OK, so same as last time.
I'm recommending you go on
a strict diet immediately.
Nope.
Horses that make it look like I can
walk, take me to Hollywood!
All right, I'm almost done packing.
I've got it down
to four bags and a hatbox.
I'm gonna need some help, Rupert.
Rupert?
Ew, that's the tushie thermometer.
Dear God, you're burning up!
I have to get out of here!
I'm sorry, Rupert, but the situation
here has become unbearable.
Like talking to someone
with adult braces.
So, yeah, last weekend, Sheila and I
took the kids up to the lake,
it was great.
We had great weather,
fired up the barbecue,
Sheila's parents came up
towards the end of the week -
When are you gonna get those off?
Meg, you must carry on my legacy.
Promise me you'll crop the chotches.
Crop them, Meg. Crop them all.
Peter, Stewie's gone!
I've looked everywhere!
Oh, Lois, I feel a little better.
I think I could keep down
devilled eggs.
Lois, what's wrong?
I can't find Stewie.
He must've gotten out of the house.
God knows how far he's gone.
Well, look, there's
a Family Circus dotted path.
It'll lead us right to him.
Ah, it's just Billy.
He died of measles.
And here comes Marmaduke
to lick up the vomit.
Lucky.
If I can just escape this quarantine
and make it to the next town,
I'll be able to get
that vaccine I need.
Stewie! I'm you from the future!
You've got to get out of town
before you get sick!
Yeah, I know. That's what I'm doing.
OK, I'm really here
because I know you have glue.
Give me the glue.
(SNIFFS) Ah.
Stewie, listen to me, never,
ever do this great thing I love.
There's the bridge out of town.
So, we're all there at the Clam,
just, kind of, making music together,
and then Peter, of course,
had to join in and clap his hands,
and I said,
'Eh, that's enough of that.'
(CHUCKLES)
Yeah, I, kind of, run the group.
I'll just have to go around them.
Good Lord.
I hope my shoe doesn't fall to make
me realise how far the drop is.
Oh, my orthotic was in there.
Stewie?
Where are you?
Lois, what's going on?
That's one of my sidekicks' wives.
He says he's in charge
of the group, is that true?
No, not in the slightest,
but, Joe, Stewie's gone missing.
We can't find him anywhere.
Lois, look!
I don't know if he can hold on much
longer. We got to get him down.
Stewie, hang on! Mommy's coming!
Oh, no, upside-down train!
(YELLS)
Stewie!
Oh, no!
Sean Penn?
That's right, two-time
Oscar winner Sean Penn.
What are you doing here?
I'm bringing vaccines
into your quarantined town.
Any time there's
a public health crisis
in a third-world land, I'm there.
Third world? This is Rhode Island.
Oh, really? Have you seen some
of the delis on Federal Hill?
Oh, ho, ho! Rhode Island slam!
(LAUGHS) I like you, Sean Penn.
Oh, my God, you saved my baby.
Thank you so mu... Oh. Sean Penn.
You're the one who played
that homosexual. Yeah.
All right, well,
I'll take my son now.
I've brought enough vaccines
for your whole town.
I hope you've realised
that vaccinations are not
a freedom of choice issue,
they're a public health issue.
Thanks to them,
countless serious diseases,
mumps, polio, smallpox, and rubella
have been all but eradicated.
Like clean water
and functional schools,
vaccinations are a human right.
Great, just what I needed,
a lecture from liberal Hollywood.
This whole thing has been
a lecture from liberal Hollywood.
Well, it's a relief that everyone's
been vaccinated,
and the quarantine has been lifted.
Well, I'm just happy that Stewie is
healthy, and only 150 people died,
but not anyone we knew personally.
Yeah, I know I sure learnt something.
(KNOCK ON WINDOW)
Hey, do you like apples?
Yeah.
Well, I got her number.
How do you like them apples?
Oh, Bat Damon!
You got the best of me again!
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