Family Guy (1998–…): Season 16, Episode 3 - Nanny Goats - full transcript
The Griffins get a nanny for the kids, giving Peter and Lois the opportunity to reconnect.
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
♪ All the things that make us ♪
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
ANNOUNCER: We now return
to The Last Man on Earth
Plus These Other 16 People
with More Showing Up Every Day.
No way they'll
pull this off.
A show with just
one character
and an unlimited number
of other characters?
Peter, you can't just sit
there and watch TV all day.
You have to
mow the lawn.
Aw, this sucks.
I was gonna go down
to the Guitar Center
and annoy people.
FYI: My mom's not picking me up
for a long time, because...
...she's dead!
Hey, Brian, you want a beer?
Peter, Lois is gonna
be home soon.
Shouldn't you be
mowing the lawn?
I am mowing the lawn.
(bleating)
Where'd you get these?
Craigslist.
Boy, that's got to be
some long list.
WOMAN: ...and pool tables
and jukeboxes--
Craig, are you getting
all this down?
Yes. Is that it?
No! Futons, everyone's
grandfather's golf clubs...
I-Is that it?
No! Gay sex...
What kind?
All of it!
I have milked
all the goats.
Peter, all those
goats are males.
Well, the buckets are full
and the goats are happy.
I just hope word
doesn't get around.
I like good times.
ANNOUNCER:
We now return to Top Gun
with only public domain music.
(band plays lively intro)
♪ She'll be coming 'round
the mountain when she comes ♪
♪ She'll be coming
'round the mountain... ♪
Oh, my God, what the hell
did the goats do in here?
This place is disgusting!
Where's your father?
Peter!
PETER (bleats):
Lois is maaaad.
Go to the Claaaam.
Peter, I both saw you and
recognized my husband's voice.
Go baaaack.
Lois! I-I didn't
know you were home.
Well, I guess we can all agree
this was a great idea. The end.
♪ Ba-na-na-na
Family Guy... ♪
Enough! My parents
will be here any minute.
You better get
this house cleaned up.
Don't worry, Lois.
I have a Roomba.
(whirring)
Okay, wait, wait,
wait a minute.
It'll... it'll
figure it out.
It's learning. That's-that's
part of what it does.
I think it's
getting it.
Now she's cookin'.
Hang on to your hat.
Clean floor dead ahead.
Good purchase.
Behold the future.
All right,
here it goes.
(whirring stops)
And the battery's dead.
(doorbell rings)
Darling, so wonderful
to be here.
(chuckles): Yeah, right.
The drive here is like
a counterclockwise trip
around the Monopoly board.
PETER (chuckles):
He has no paaaants.
Peter, get out of there.
Lois, what's
going on here?
♪ Oh my darling, Clementine... ♪
Well, I asked Peter
to mow the lawn.
Will somebody
turn off Top Gun?!
(song stops)
So obviously he bought
a herd of goats,
and now they've
taken over the house.
Lois, I worry this is
not a healthy environment
for the children.
Mom, please.
You know I would never put
my children in harm's way.
Oh, boy. AMBER Alert.
Stewie was last seen with a goat
in a '98 Toyota Tercel
heading north on I-95.
How do you turn those off,
by the way?
Lois, I've seen enough.
You're completely overwhelmed,
and you have four children.
(chuckles)
Four children.
(chuckles)
Four children.
(chuckles)
Four children.
(chuckles)
Four children.
(chuckles)
Four children.
Hey!
You need help, Lois.
And since I don't believe
in psychiatry,
I'm getting you a nanny.
Well, I guess it would
be good to have some help
with Meg and Chris.
And Stewie,
if he's ever found.
Honey, do you think
that's the goat and baby
from the AMBER alert?
Uh, it's a Tercel,
but I don't think
it's the right year.
(doorbell rings)
That must be the new nanny.
Is this the Griffin house?
Welcome to this
work environment.
Oh. I'm not the nanny.
I'm her Uber driver.
Your nanny's
still in the car.
She dozed off
on the way here.
I not doze off, Yoober.
Was looking at crinkled photos
of dead relatives.
Hello. I am Natalia.
What is favorite
breakfast fish?
Well, if you
must know...
Welcome to this
work environment.
Okay, Natalia,
level with me.
Why are you
really here?
I have been sent to neutralize
liberal Jewish dissident,
Fievel Mousekewitz.
Oh. Well, the only mouse
in this neighborhood is
our innocent neighbor,
Frank Maxwell.
Comrade Mousekewitz!
Did you think you
could run forever?
I, uh, I think
you've got the wrong mouse.
I'm just regular old
Frank Maxwell,
and I'm very late for work.
Good day, ma'am.
(starts engine)
Whoa! You killed him?
That was not me.
Someone else
got to him first.
Tough break, Jew mouse. Ha-ha!
Hi. I'm Peter Griffin.
Under parody law, in order to
use someone else's character
in an unlicensed fashion,
we have to provide
something called "commentary."
The commentary here
is that Mickey Mouse hates Jews.
Now, let's see what else this
new nanny has up her sleeve.
Okay, Stewie, this is favorite
Belarusian children book
called Goodnight Moon
of Chernobyl.
"Goodnight Chernobyl moon.
"Goodnight radiation house.
"Goodnight melted phone.
"Goodnight glowing milk.
"Goodnight
bleeding grandpa's eyes.
"Goodnight two-headed cat.
"Goodnight nobody.
"Goodnight blocks and blocks
and blocks of nobody.
The end."
Next book.
Everybody Poops...
Blood.
I'll get started on dinner.
No need to start dinner.
Homework is done.
Kids are fed.
You two should go out
and have lovely evening.
Together?
Yes. Everything
taken care of.
Go out. Enjoy
American freedom.
What do you say, Peter?
Eh, it could be fun.
And we haven't been on a date
since I broke
the Guinness record
for longest nasal exhale
at that Tina Fey movie.
FEY: You're the baby mama?
Well, that's no bueno.
(inhales through nose)
(exhaling through nose)
(continues exhaling
through nose)
Hello. I'm Steve.
I'll be your server
this evening.
May I start you off
with a cocktail?
(clears throat)
You don't work
here, do you?
I do not.
Oh, this is nice.
So, how's work?
Good.
How, uh...
how's the stuff you do
during your day?
Good.
Good.
So... is that it?
Did we do a date?
Phones back on?
Peter, we finally have
a chance to reconnect.
We've been given
this opportunity.
It's like before
we had kids.
We got to make
the most of it.
H-Hang on, hang on, Lois.
Give me two of those round balls
of butter and a breadstick.
You'll see where
I'm heading with this.
Okay, look, look, look.
Here's what you want.
Here's what you got.
(chuckles)
I'm very happy
with what I got.
Hmm. Well, maybe I can give you
half a breadstick later.
As long as you don't mind a
little marinara dipping sauce.
That's absolutely disgusting.
And I love it.
You know what?
I like date night.
To Natalia,
for making it possible.
Pretty sure
that's Steve's pee.
Enjoying your wine?
Oh, what an amazing night.
I told you we could have
a fun time, just the two of us.
Fun's not over yet.
(moaning)
PETER:
Come on, let's get in the trunk.
I filled it with water
so we can do it hippo-style.
Weightlessly,
with my feet lightly scraping
the bottom as we do it.
LOIS: Okay.
It's kind of sexy, I guess.
PETER:
And in the hippo tradition,
first we must eat
a whole head of lettuce.
Now, do you have the lettuce?
I-I didn't know
we were doing this.
Did you bring the lettuce?
Oh, no, I forgot.
Ronald, I asked you
to do one thing.
Honey, honey...
I brought the lettuce.
So thanks to Natalia,
we've been spending
so much more time together.
Let me tell you, Joe,
it's really been a rediscovery.
Hmm.
Joe, "we time"
is just as important
as "me time.
Okay.
We've actually been watching
The Middle together.
It's so funny!
Isn't it funny, Peter?
It is actually funny.
At least three times an episode
we turn to each other
and we say,
BOTH:
"That's just like us!"
(laughing)
(laughs)
Why are you
laughing?
It sounded funny.
But you had to be there.
Well, I was able to
imagine myself there,
which is why
I chuckled.
Oh, and, Donna,
have you seen this Black-ish?
Why are you
asking me that?
I don't know.
It seems like
you might like it.
Oh, and, waiter, have you seen
this Fresh Off the Boat?
Why are you
asking me that?
I don't know.
It seems like
you might like it.
Oh, there's Mort. Mort!
Have you seen
this The Goldbergs?
MORT: Yes! I like it
'cause I'm Jewish.
Boy, our friends all seem
to be happily married.
(both laugh)
Yeah, right.
You know, Donna told me
in the bathroom
she and Cleveland
haven't had sex
in over three months.
I love that you
share things
that were told to you
in confidence.
Oh, and the poor
Swansons.
I know.
Joe's dead
from the waist down,
and Bonnie's dead
from the waist up.
They're perfect
for each other.
(both laughing)
I know, I know.
I got to say, Peter,
I really feel like
Natalia has helped
put the spark back
in our relationship.
Yeah, we even had
independent movie sex.
I want to lean over this
half-eaten blueberry pie
and kiss you with
black coffee breath.
Is that okay?
Yes.
Now, can I do you
to a song you know,
but sung in German?
(to the tune of
"Walking on Sunshine")
♪ Icht valking un sonshine ♪
♪ Haaa-aah ♪
♪ Icht valking un sonshine ♪
♪ Haaa-aah ♪
♪ Unt it feelin das good. ♪
(phone ringing)
Hello? I see.
What is it?
I've been assassinated.
Wow, what a night.
I guess someone's
sleep number is 69.
Uh, yes. It was, apparently,
also number two.
Would you maybe
make some coffee
and give me a moment?
Car is packed for weekend.
Weekend?
Yes.
You come in late
last night drunk
and tell me to pack car
for weekend getaway
you book online.
Then you make me watch
Diff'rent Strokes episode
with substitute teacher
played by Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.
You know, I forgot about
this weekend trip.
I-Is that something
we still want to do?
Well, I do if you do.
Absolutely I do-- I-I was
just seeing if you do.
Of course I do.
I mean, we've already had
six nights out together.
It'd be great to
have three more.
That's what I'm saying.
That-That's what
any guy wants,
the same gal again
and again and again
and again and again
and again and again
and again and again
and again and again
and again and again,
and again.
And every gal wants
the same guy who keeps
getting fatter and fatter
and fatter and fatter...
Stop it right there, Lois.
This is Family Guy.
We only do the male side
of the joke.
You know what? I think
this weekend will be fun.
Yeah. I mean, it's
not like we're gonna
miss anything
around here.
Hey, Joe, what the hell's
going on here?
Oh, you didn't hear?
Today is the opening
of the first-ever
Spooner Street Farmers Market.
(in slow motion):
Farmers...
market?
Yeah, it's
really exciting.
For 50 cents, you can
get your picture taken
wearing a farmer's hat.
(in slow motion):
Farmer's...
hat?
Hey, have a great
weekend, you two.
So glad you're finding
time for each other.
Goat meat.
Get your goat meat here.
Cleveland, are those...
Yep.
I have dibs on
whatever silliness
Peter loses interest in.
Remember this?
To the Cleveland copter!
The moustache obscures my view!
(cries out)
LOIS:
Oh, another hawk.
Or maybe it's the same one.
You think it could be
the same one?
Doubt it.
Hey, do you have
the address?
I think it's in
my pocketbook somewhere.
'Cause I got to know if
we should take 24 or 495.
Hang on.
Anything?
Hang on.
Exit's coming up.
Half a mile.
Quarter mile.
(laughs)
You'd think
I could find it.
(chuckles):
Yeah, yeah, I would.
I would. Okay,
I'm taking 495.
Okay, uh, here,
let me see if it's...
Oh, this is why I don't
like big purses.
Here it is.
It says take 24 to 128.
(inhales deeply)
(exhales slowly)
(windshield squeaking)
(crickets chirping)
Hey, look, cookies.
Chocolate chip?
Oatmeal raisin.
(bleep)
Ah, I guess they stopped
serving dinner at 9:30.
Looks like that missed exit
had the last laugh.
Oh, look at
this cute note.
"In lieu of television,
please tune in
to each other."
Ha-ha.
Ha-ha, indeed.
And get this.
"Sorry no Wi-Fi,
but the good news is
your marriage has
four bars."
Terrific.
Oh, here's another note.
"How adorable were
those first two notes?
I hope you read
this one third."
There's a used condom
in the fireplace.
And the fireplace
is decorative,
so that's here to stay.
So, do you think
word just got out
in the daddy longlegs
community, like,
"Hey, come to this hotel"?
Peter, it's a little
warm in here.
Do you want to turn on
that overhead ceiling fan?
Sure. Looks stable.
Can you notice that?
Yeah.
Can you notice anything
in the world other than that?
Only that fist-sized moth
in the lampshade by the bed.
I'm going to bed so that
"go home time" comes faster.
I'll just sleep
with the light on.
Natalia, will you be
our nanny forever?
Dah, unless Belarus
security force
track me down.
I'm sorry, what?
Natalia make
a few enemies
before she leave Belarus.
(gunshots)
Natalia save baby.
Brian?
Lock door.
Why would I...
(cries out)
Brian!
No kissing.
Under bed.
(bone cracks)
(cries out)
(bones snapping)
Aah!
♪ ♪
Out.
Boy, that was a close one.
Ah, my son was in the backseat.
(tires screeching)
(engine revving)
(heartbeat pounding)
(tires screech)
Daddy?
(gunfire)
Where are we going?
You're going home.
Count to three and pull cord.
(shouting)
I don't know my numbers!
Again! Again!
(saliva smacking)
Oh. This.
What?
That mealy-mouth
thing you do.
Take a sip of water.
I don't like water.
I like pop.
Hey, will you let me
know when you're done
using the phone charger
that I brought?
Oh, you mean the only
thing that you packed?
Yeah, I just assumed
if you pay,
you don't have to pack.
Here we go.
My husband,
the Rockefeller,
letting my parents
pay for the nanny.
Kids still lining up
around the block
for those piano lessons?
I wonder which has
more clutter on it,
the piano or your treadmill.
You know what?
I'm gonna go with the treadmill.
Really? Let's go knock
on the door of the next room
and ask them
which one of us is fat.
Oh, I'm so sorry I'm
not Bradley Hooper.
It's Cooper, not Hooper.
You're thinking of
Mr. Hooper from Sesame Street,
and I'd sooner bang him.
He was a business owner.
He was a successful man.
You think you're the only
one in this relationship
who wants to be with
a successful man?
Get over yourself.
Oh, hey, do you want
these spit droplets back,
or are they
for my arm to keep?
Sorry, I was trying to
scare that fly on your hand.
Oh, it's a liver spot.
Never mind.
I'm hoping it's cancer.
I want the ticket out.
Oh, if you die, can I have
all of your nothing?
What do you mean
if I die?
I've been dead since
the minute I said "I do"!
Well, the minute
you say "I don't,"
I am out that door.
Oh, is that right?
Yep.
Well, what if I just said,
"The hell with it, go"?
What if you did?
Go.
Fine!
("So Far Away"
by Carole King playing)
♪ ♪
♪ So far away ♪
♪ Doesn't anybody stay ♪
♪ In one place anymore? ♪
♪ It would be so fine ♪
♪ To see your face at my door ♪
♪ It doesn't help to know ♪
♪ You're just time away ♪
♪ Long ago I reached for you ♪
♪ And there you stood ♪
♪ Holding you again could only ♪
♪ Do me good ♪
♪ How I wish I could ♪
♪ But you're so ♪
♪ Far ♪
♪ Away. ♪
So, how was the trip?
(both laughing)
PETER:
Just terrible.
that all you see ♪
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
♪ All the things that make us ♪
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
ANNOUNCER: We now return
to The Last Man on Earth
Plus These Other 16 People
with More Showing Up Every Day.
No way they'll
pull this off.
A show with just
one character
and an unlimited number
of other characters?
Peter, you can't just sit
there and watch TV all day.
You have to
mow the lawn.
Aw, this sucks.
I was gonna go down
to the Guitar Center
and annoy people.
FYI: My mom's not picking me up
for a long time, because...
...she's dead!
Hey, Brian, you want a beer?
Peter, Lois is gonna
be home soon.
Shouldn't you be
mowing the lawn?
I am mowing the lawn.
(bleating)
Where'd you get these?
Craigslist.
Boy, that's got to be
some long list.
WOMAN: ...and pool tables
and jukeboxes--
Craig, are you getting
all this down?
Yes. Is that it?
No! Futons, everyone's
grandfather's golf clubs...
I-Is that it?
No! Gay sex...
What kind?
All of it!
I have milked
all the goats.
Peter, all those
goats are males.
Well, the buckets are full
and the goats are happy.
I just hope word
doesn't get around.
I like good times.
ANNOUNCER:
We now return to Top Gun
with only public domain music.
(band plays lively intro)
♪ She'll be coming 'round
the mountain when she comes ♪
♪ She'll be coming
'round the mountain... ♪
Oh, my God, what the hell
did the goats do in here?
This place is disgusting!
Where's your father?
Peter!
PETER (bleats):
Lois is maaaad.
Go to the Claaaam.
Peter, I both saw you and
recognized my husband's voice.
Go baaaack.
Lois! I-I didn't
know you were home.
Well, I guess we can all agree
this was a great idea. The end.
♪ Ba-na-na-na
Family Guy... ♪
Enough! My parents
will be here any minute.
You better get
this house cleaned up.
Don't worry, Lois.
I have a Roomba.
(whirring)
Okay, wait, wait,
wait a minute.
It'll... it'll
figure it out.
It's learning. That's-that's
part of what it does.
I think it's
getting it.
Now she's cookin'.
Hang on to your hat.
Clean floor dead ahead.
Good purchase.
Behold the future.
All right,
here it goes.
(whirring stops)
And the battery's dead.
(doorbell rings)
Darling, so wonderful
to be here.
(chuckles): Yeah, right.
The drive here is like
a counterclockwise trip
around the Monopoly board.
PETER (chuckles):
He has no paaaants.
Peter, get out of there.
Lois, what's
going on here?
♪ Oh my darling, Clementine... ♪
Well, I asked Peter
to mow the lawn.
Will somebody
turn off Top Gun?!
(song stops)
So obviously he bought
a herd of goats,
and now they've
taken over the house.
Lois, I worry this is
not a healthy environment
for the children.
Mom, please.
You know I would never put
my children in harm's way.
Oh, boy. AMBER Alert.
Stewie was last seen with a goat
in a '98 Toyota Tercel
heading north on I-95.
How do you turn those off,
by the way?
Lois, I've seen enough.
You're completely overwhelmed,
and you have four children.
(chuckles)
Four children.
(chuckles)
Four children.
(chuckles)
Four children.
(chuckles)
Four children.
(chuckles)
Four children.
Hey!
You need help, Lois.
And since I don't believe
in psychiatry,
I'm getting you a nanny.
Well, I guess it would
be good to have some help
with Meg and Chris.
And Stewie,
if he's ever found.
Honey, do you think
that's the goat and baby
from the AMBER alert?
Uh, it's a Tercel,
but I don't think
it's the right year.
(doorbell rings)
That must be the new nanny.
Is this the Griffin house?
Welcome to this
work environment.
Oh. I'm not the nanny.
I'm her Uber driver.
Your nanny's
still in the car.
She dozed off
on the way here.
I not doze off, Yoober.
Was looking at crinkled photos
of dead relatives.
Hello. I am Natalia.
What is favorite
breakfast fish?
Well, if you
must know...
Welcome to this
work environment.
Okay, Natalia,
level with me.
Why are you
really here?
I have been sent to neutralize
liberal Jewish dissident,
Fievel Mousekewitz.
Oh. Well, the only mouse
in this neighborhood is
our innocent neighbor,
Frank Maxwell.
Comrade Mousekewitz!
Did you think you
could run forever?
I, uh, I think
you've got the wrong mouse.
I'm just regular old
Frank Maxwell,
and I'm very late for work.
Good day, ma'am.
(starts engine)
Whoa! You killed him?
That was not me.
Someone else
got to him first.
Tough break, Jew mouse. Ha-ha!
Hi. I'm Peter Griffin.
Under parody law, in order to
use someone else's character
in an unlicensed fashion,
we have to provide
something called "commentary."
The commentary here
is that Mickey Mouse hates Jews.
Now, let's see what else this
new nanny has up her sleeve.
Okay, Stewie, this is favorite
Belarusian children book
called Goodnight Moon
of Chernobyl.
"Goodnight Chernobyl moon.
"Goodnight radiation house.
"Goodnight melted phone.
"Goodnight glowing milk.
"Goodnight
bleeding grandpa's eyes.
"Goodnight two-headed cat.
"Goodnight nobody.
"Goodnight blocks and blocks
and blocks of nobody.
The end."
Next book.
Everybody Poops...
Blood.
I'll get started on dinner.
No need to start dinner.
Homework is done.
Kids are fed.
You two should go out
and have lovely evening.
Together?
Yes. Everything
taken care of.
Go out. Enjoy
American freedom.
What do you say, Peter?
Eh, it could be fun.
And we haven't been on a date
since I broke
the Guinness record
for longest nasal exhale
at that Tina Fey movie.
FEY: You're the baby mama?
Well, that's no bueno.
(inhales through nose)
(exhaling through nose)
(continues exhaling
through nose)
Hello. I'm Steve.
I'll be your server
this evening.
May I start you off
with a cocktail?
(clears throat)
You don't work
here, do you?
I do not.
Oh, this is nice.
So, how's work?
Good.
How, uh...
how's the stuff you do
during your day?
Good.
Good.
So... is that it?
Did we do a date?
Phones back on?
Peter, we finally have
a chance to reconnect.
We've been given
this opportunity.
It's like before
we had kids.
We got to make
the most of it.
H-Hang on, hang on, Lois.
Give me two of those round balls
of butter and a breadstick.
You'll see where
I'm heading with this.
Okay, look, look, look.
Here's what you want.
Here's what you got.
(chuckles)
I'm very happy
with what I got.
Hmm. Well, maybe I can give you
half a breadstick later.
As long as you don't mind a
little marinara dipping sauce.
That's absolutely disgusting.
And I love it.
You know what?
I like date night.
To Natalia,
for making it possible.
Pretty sure
that's Steve's pee.
Enjoying your wine?
Oh, what an amazing night.
I told you we could have
a fun time, just the two of us.
Fun's not over yet.
(moaning)
PETER:
Come on, let's get in the trunk.
I filled it with water
so we can do it hippo-style.
Weightlessly,
with my feet lightly scraping
the bottom as we do it.
LOIS: Okay.
It's kind of sexy, I guess.
PETER:
And in the hippo tradition,
first we must eat
a whole head of lettuce.
Now, do you have the lettuce?
I-I didn't know
we were doing this.
Did you bring the lettuce?
Oh, no, I forgot.
Ronald, I asked you
to do one thing.
Honey, honey...
I brought the lettuce.
So thanks to Natalia,
we've been spending
so much more time together.
Let me tell you, Joe,
it's really been a rediscovery.
Hmm.
Joe, "we time"
is just as important
as "me time.
Okay.
We've actually been watching
The Middle together.
It's so funny!
Isn't it funny, Peter?
It is actually funny.
At least three times an episode
we turn to each other
and we say,
BOTH:
"That's just like us!"
(laughing)
(laughs)
Why are you
laughing?
It sounded funny.
But you had to be there.
Well, I was able to
imagine myself there,
which is why
I chuckled.
Oh, and, Donna,
have you seen this Black-ish?
Why are you
asking me that?
I don't know.
It seems like
you might like it.
Oh, and, waiter, have you seen
this Fresh Off the Boat?
Why are you
asking me that?
I don't know.
It seems like
you might like it.
Oh, there's Mort. Mort!
Have you seen
this The Goldbergs?
MORT: Yes! I like it
'cause I'm Jewish.
Boy, our friends all seem
to be happily married.
(both laugh)
Yeah, right.
You know, Donna told me
in the bathroom
she and Cleveland
haven't had sex
in over three months.
I love that you
share things
that were told to you
in confidence.
Oh, and the poor
Swansons.
I know.
Joe's dead
from the waist down,
and Bonnie's dead
from the waist up.
They're perfect
for each other.
(both laughing)
I know, I know.
I got to say, Peter,
I really feel like
Natalia has helped
put the spark back
in our relationship.
Yeah, we even had
independent movie sex.
I want to lean over this
half-eaten blueberry pie
and kiss you with
black coffee breath.
Is that okay?
Yes.
Now, can I do you
to a song you know,
but sung in German?
(to the tune of
"Walking on Sunshine")
♪ Icht valking un sonshine ♪
♪ Haaa-aah ♪
♪ Icht valking un sonshine ♪
♪ Haaa-aah ♪
♪ Unt it feelin das good. ♪
(phone ringing)
Hello? I see.
What is it?
I've been assassinated.
Wow, what a night.
I guess someone's
sleep number is 69.
Uh, yes. It was, apparently,
also number two.
Would you maybe
make some coffee
and give me a moment?
Car is packed for weekend.
Weekend?
Yes.
You come in late
last night drunk
and tell me to pack car
for weekend getaway
you book online.
Then you make me watch
Diff'rent Strokes episode
with substitute teacher
played by Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.
You know, I forgot about
this weekend trip.
I-Is that something
we still want to do?
Well, I do if you do.
Absolutely I do-- I-I was
just seeing if you do.
Of course I do.
I mean, we've already had
six nights out together.
It'd be great to
have three more.
That's what I'm saying.
That-That's what
any guy wants,
the same gal again
and again and again
and again and again
and again and again
and again and again
and again and again
and again and again,
and again.
And every gal wants
the same guy who keeps
getting fatter and fatter
and fatter and fatter...
Stop it right there, Lois.
This is Family Guy.
We only do the male side
of the joke.
You know what? I think
this weekend will be fun.
Yeah. I mean, it's
not like we're gonna
miss anything
around here.
Hey, Joe, what the hell's
going on here?
Oh, you didn't hear?
Today is the opening
of the first-ever
Spooner Street Farmers Market.
(in slow motion):
Farmers...
market?
Yeah, it's
really exciting.
For 50 cents, you can
get your picture taken
wearing a farmer's hat.
(in slow motion):
Farmer's...
hat?
Hey, have a great
weekend, you two.
So glad you're finding
time for each other.
Goat meat.
Get your goat meat here.
Cleveland, are those...
Yep.
I have dibs on
whatever silliness
Peter loses interest in.
Remember this?
To the Cleveland copter!
The moustache obscures my view!
(cries out)
LOIS:
Oh, another hawk.
Or maybe it's the same one.
You think it could be
the same one?
Doubt it.
Hey, do you have
the address?
I think it's in
my pocketbook somewhere.
'Cause I got to know if
we should take 24 or 495.
Hang on.
Anything?
Hang on.
Exit's coming up.
Half a mile.
Quarter mile.
(laughs)
You'd think
I could find it.
(chuckles):
Yeah, yeah, I would.
I would. Okay,
I'm taking 495.
Okay, uh, here,
let me see if it's...
Oh, this is why I don't
like big purses.
Here it is.
It says take 24 to 128.
(inhales deeply)
(exhales slowly)
(windshield squeaking)
(crickets chirping)
Hey, look, cookies.
Chocolate chip?
Oatmeal raisin.
(bleep)
Ah, I guess they stopped
serving dinner at 9:30.
Looks like that missed exit
had the last laugh.
Oh, look at
this cute note.
"In lieu of television,
please tune in
to each other."
Ha-ha.
Ha-ha, indeed.
And get this.
"Sorry no Wi-Fi,
but the good news is
your marriage has
four bars."
Terrific.
Oh, here's another note.
"How adorable were
those first two notes?
I hope you read
this one third."
There's a used condom
in the fireplace.
And the fireplace
is decorative,
so that's here to stay.
So, do you think
word just got out
in the daddy longlegs
community, like,
"Hey, come to this hotel"?
Peter, it's a little
warm in here.
Do you want to turn on
that overhead ceiling fan?
Sure. Looks stable.
Can you notice that?
Yeah.
Can you notice anything
in the world other than that?
Only that fist-sized moth
in the lampshade by the bed.
I'm going to bed so that
"go home time" comes faster.
I'll just sleep
with the light on.
Natalia, will you be
our nanny forever?
Dah, unless Belarus
security force
track me down.
I'm sorry, what?
Natalia make
a few enemies
before she leave Belarus.
(gunshots)
Natalia save baby.
Brian?
Lock door.
Why would I...
(cries out)
Brian!
No kissing.
Under bed.
(bone cracks)
(cries out)
(bones snapping)
Aah!
♪ ♪
Out.
Boy, that was a close one.
Ah, my son was in the backseat.
(tires screeching)
(engine revving)
(heartbeat pounding)
(tires screech)
Daddy?
(gunfire)
Where are we going?
You're going home.
Count to three and pull cord.
(shouting)
I don't know my numbers!
Again! Again!
(saliva smacking)
Oh. This.
What?
That mealy-mouth
thing you do.
Take a sip of water.
I don't like water.
I like pop.
Hey, will you let me
know when you're done
using the phone charger
that I brought?
Oh, you mean the only
thing that you packed?
Yeah, I just assumed
if you pay,
you don't have to pack.
Here we go.
My husband,
the Rockefeller,
letting my parents
pay for the nanny.
Kids still lining up
around the block
for those piano lessons?
I wonder which has
more clutter on it,
the piano or your treadmill.
You know what?
I'm gonna go with the treadmill.
Really? Let's go knock
on the door of the next room
and ask them
which one of us is fat.
Oh, I'm so sorry I'm
not Bradley Hooper.
It's Cooper, not Hooper.
You're thinking of
Mr. Hooper from Sesame Street,
and I'd sooner bang him.
He was a business owner.
He was a successful man.
You think you're the only
one in this relationship
who wants to be with
a successful man?
Get over yourself.
Oh, hey, do you want
these spit droplets back,
or are they
for my arm to keep?
Sorry, I was trying to
scare that fly on your hand.
Oh, it's a liver spot.
Never mind.
I'm hoping it's cancer.
I want the ticket out.
Oh, if you die, can I have
all of your nothing?
What do you mean
if I die?
I've been dead since
the minute I said "I do"!
Well, the minute
you say "I don't,"
I am out that door.
Oh, is that right?
Yep.
Well, what if I just said,
"The hell with it, go"?
What if you did?
Go.
Fine!
("So Far Away"
by Carole King playing)
♪ ♪
♪ So far away ♪
♪ Doesn't anybody stay ♪
♪ In one place anymore? ♪
♪ It would be so fine ♪
♪ To see your face at my door ♪
♪ It doesn't help to know ♪
♪ You're just time away ♪
♪ Long ago I reached for you ♪
♪ And there you stood ♪
♪ Holding you again could only ♪
♪ Do me good ♪
♪ How I wish I could ♪
♪ But you're so ♪
♪ Far ♪
♪ Away. ♪
So, how was the trip?
(both laughing)
PETER:
Just terrible.