Family Guy (1998–…): Season 16, Episode 4 - Follow the Money - full transcript
Chris receives a special one-dollar bill for his birthday that gets passed throughout Quahog.
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TV ANNOUNCER:
We now return to Doctor Who Farted.
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)
Doctor, the alien attack has begun.
We've got to return
to the 21st century.
Uh, we can't go into
the time machine right now.
But they're going to kill us all.
All right, all right,
just one second.
So, how was your weekend?
Is...is it your line?
I don't... Uh, no, I don't think so.
I'm sorry. Whose line is it?
DIRECTOR: Cut!
(BELL RINGS)
That was Peter's line.
Where's Peter?
Sorry, I was in my trailer
eating fancy nuts and smoking.
All right, everybody, take five.
OK, I'll be in my dressing-room
playing online poker.
That's me asking for help.
Hi, I'm James Woods.
You might know me
from banging your niece
on a pile of your brother's
pool equipment. Or from Salvador.
But tonight, I'm here
to take you behind the scenes
on the set of Family Guy.
For the first time ever,
you'll see what
a typical production week is like
for TV's 11th favourite family.
So please join me as we go
Inside Family Guy.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
It's certainly not easy
being a family
that also happens
to star in a sitcom together.
Especially last year, when I
discovered those naked pictures
of that 18-year-old intern
on Peter's phone.
But he explained that
his phone number was the old number
of...of her ex-boyfriend,
so what was it again?
Oh, the Cloud, that's right.
So the photos were on the Cloud,
and that the...the Cloud
pulled the pictures, or...?
I mean, even if the pictures
had not been sent directly to him,
and that's why he has them.
And...and we both
called the Apple Store,
and they said they can't disprove
that it doesn't happen,
so here we are, still married,
still on the show.
And it's happened
five times since then,
and some of the pictures had
both Peter and the girl in them.
Being on this show reminds me of one
of my favourite quotes from Macbeth.
WOODS: What's the quote? Whoa!
I didn't realise this was a trial.
Objection, Your Honour.
Yeah, it's great, you know,
doing a show with your family.
Cos what guy doesn't want to go to
his office and have his family there?
You know, and then you go home after
work and catch up with the family.
And then, next day, same thing.
Just trying to make it
to the weekend, so you can
spend some time with the family.
Isn't that the dream?
Now, I understand the show was
quite different when it started.
Yeah, in the original pilot,
I was actually the star.
It was called
Chris Griffin: Teen Doctor.
Sir, I'm afraid
I've got some bad news.
Well, it can't be any worse
than what's in here.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I ad-libbed that line.
I wasn't even supposed to talk.
What they didn't know is that
I'd been privately doing jokes
about the newspaper for years.
But, you know, it's not just
the Griffins who work hard
to make Family Guy what it is.
Here in the props department,
some sweaty guy
is working on the Petercopter.
That's right. You know,
a lot of people don't realise
SEAL Team Six actually completed
their mission in this puppy.
Oh, cool, Family Guy.
Over here. I'm down here.
Knock-knock? Yeah?
Hi, Stewie. Hey, I was just showing
the viewers around Family Guy,
and we thought we'd drop in
and talk to you about the show.
You want to talk about the show?
I'll talk about the show.
The show sucks.
The only reason I stay here
Hi. Are you a straight, adult male
who likes to eat crepes
without people making unwanted
assumptions about your private life?
(DOORBELL)
Very masculine pizza delivery
for Stewie Griffin?
Oh, thank you.
Mmm, strawberry-banana-Nutella
with raspberry drizzle!
Now I just need a guy's butt
to eat this off of,
and I got myself a night.
But of course, every episode of
Family Guy starts with the writing.
And here we are -
the Family Guy writers' room...
..where the writers are hard at work
with the show's talented cast.
Look, don't get me wrong, guys.
I think it's hilarious,
and I totally get that the sex thing
is what made me popular, but...
would it kill us to just once tell
a joke that brings glory to God?
Eight years ago,
Glenn opened a restaurant
where he was spying on ladies
peeing in the bathroom.
As part of the
class-action settlement,
he entered rehab,
and that's where he found Jesus.
The restaurant
was called Sprinklers.
That should have been a tip-off.
He still runs Dumpy's,
but I'm pretty sure that one's legit.
WOODS: As the star of the show,
Peter likes to stay involved
in the writing process.
All right, butthorns, which one
of you idiots wrote this script?
Uh, I did.
Oh, what, did you write it,
like, on a computer? Yeah.
So you know a lot
about computers? Yeah.
Can you show me how to turn off
the flashlight on my phone?
Don't touch my phone.
And another thing,
I read this piece of garbage script.
It's only one page.
That's never gonna cut it.
Uh, that's just the cover.
You can turn the page, like this.
Well, why you hiding all these pages
behind the first page?
What's wrong with them?
Stand by your work or get out.
Now spit in each other's mouths.
You know I'm only tough on you
cos I hate you, right?
Yeah, over the years, Peter's become
just a total nightmare.
I mean, you know,
he's not Jim Belushi.
He's not peeing in Snapple bottles
on set, which is, like,
a totally real thing.
But he...he's pretty bad.
Dad refuses to interact
with any actors on set.
He'll only rehearse
with helium balloons
with crudely drawn faces on them.
I'm sorry, Meg, but you're grounded.
(OVER RADIO)
But, Dad, the prom is tonight. Over.
LOIS: (OVER RADIO)
You heard your father, Meg. Over.
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
JOE: Peter, you ready to hit
the Drunken Clam? Over.
It's difficult having to give up
my chair for the balloon.
But that's the business
we call "show".
Excuse me, Joe.
The Fat Man's behaviour has been
deteriorating for quite some time.
And I think someone may have placed
an anonymous phone call
to the network about it.
(STEWIE SPEAKING IN FALSETTO)
Word around the stage is they've
decided to finally fire Peter
and replace him with another actor.
And this time, it's permanent.
Not like when we killed off Brian
for a few episodes
so he could shoot that crappy movie.
What was it?
It was a remake of Old Yeller where
the dog gets the drop on him
and kills him first.
I'm sorry.
No, I'm sorry.
(EXCLAIMS)
They miscalculated the number of
dogs who buy movie tickets.
It's actually pretty awkward.
I mean, Dad's the only one
in the whole production
who doesn't know he's being fired.
But he'll find out tomorrow
at the table read.
This is how we did that.
Bet you didn't know.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
The table read is where
the Family Guy cast reads aloud
that week's script to see how
the story and the jokes are working.
And where Peter will learn
he's being written off the show.
OK, everybody,
welcome to the table read
for this week's episode, entitled
"Peter Dies. We're Really Serious,
No Joke,
He's Dead and Never Coming Back."
Oh, and there's other pages.
You gotta turn them.
Here, let me show you.
"Interior, Griffins' living-room,
day. Brian, Meg and Chris watch TV.
Lois enters, upset."
"You guys, I have terrible news!
Your father is dead.
He was shot in the head
while killing himself.
I suppose he had his demons.
And his enemies."
Wait, I'm... I'm what?
Oh...oh, I know.
Stewie's gonna fire up
his time machine and undo this.
"Stewie enters."
"Brian, bad news.
My time machine got a virus
that causes Dad to die again
if it's ever used."
Oh, wait, you know what?
I bet this is all Chris' dream.
"Wow, I am wide awake."
OK, but there's no way this is real.
They'd have to bring in someone
to replace me.
"Uncle Ricky, played by
sitcom buzzard David Spade, enters."
Hi, everybody.
ALL: Uncle Ricky!
Hey guys, a time period called.
They want an object back.
(ALL LAUGH)
Ah, do we have to go
to Dad's funeral?
Let's just play
with Uncle Ricky instead.
"The family cheers.
They do not miss Peter."
I'm sorry, Peter, but
the production just can't deal
with all your nonsense any more.
We're letting you go.
Oh, please, don't do this.
I'm begging you. Just give me
one more chance.
OK, fine.
(BLEEP)
All right. That's it, you're fired.
And you guys are all OK with this?
I'm sorry, sweetheart.
This is painful for all of us, but
we just don't see another option.
Yeah, Peter, we love you,
and you're still part of the family,
just not part of the show.
Look, I don't know who brought this
on, but maybe it's for the best.
Fine, you bastards can fire me, but
at least I'm leaving with my dignity.
Have a good life, Mr G.
Your penis is out.
Welcome back to Inside Family Guy.
I'm your host and angel investor
to The Fappening, James Woods.
Boy, we picked quite a week
to document the production of
a Family Guy episode.
Yesterday, Peter Griffin was
fired from the show
and replaced by David Spade.
Given this surprising development,
we decided to follow Peter
and see if our cameras
could capture his story as well.
We caught up with Peter
at Hollywood's legendary
Chateau Marmont Hotel,
where I once engaged
in the consensual murder
of an under-aged prostitute.
So, what's your plan? Are you going
to be staying here for a while?
I figured if my family doesn't
want me on the show,
there's no reason I should keep
living with them.
I mean, there's no hard feelings.
I just feel like this is best for me,
and this is best for
those cancerous dicks.
And what's next for Peter Griffin?
Well, starting tomorrow,
I'm getting back out there.
I already got an audition
to be the caring dad
for a Cheerios commercial.
Hey, Dad? Yeah, bud?
When you were a kid, what did you
want to be when you grew up?
Well, I wanted to be a rock star.
Why didn't you become one?
Cos of you, bud.
I smiled at one girl
in a cell-phone store,
and now here I am, stuck
eating cereal for dinner with a kid.
You'll always be a rock star
to me, Dad.
You ruined my life.
I'm going to bed.
Wednesdays are rehearsal days
here at Family Guy,
and the first rehearsal
with David Spade
appears to be going very well.
"Uncle Ricky, what are all these
strippers doing in our house?"
"Uh, each other?" Hmm?
(LAUGHS UNCONTROLLABLY)
Oh, my God. I'm sorry, I just...
Did you see the way he smirked?
He's like a naughty 53-year-old boy.
Who is this guy?
I'm not familiar with him.
That's David Spade
from Just Shoot Me!
I don't know that one.
He was in Grown Ups,
Joe Dirt, Saturday Night Live...
Saturday what how? He was also in
some movie called Senseless.
With Marlon Wayans?
Oh, yeah, he played Scott Thorpe.
Donna, I'm here with Scott Thorpe.
That's right, from Senseless.
Yeah, I gotta be honest.
I'm having a blast.
You know, now that I'm not
tied down by the show,
it's given me more time
to pursue my true passion,
weaving sexually explicit tapestries
featuring the Minions.
Did you have any questions
about the artist?
Thursdays at Family Guy are reserved
for shooting all those flashbacks
and cutaway gags we love so much,
and what most people don't know
is that all these gags
are directed by James Cameron.
What's that? I'm sorry.
Apparently, I misread the cue card.
They're directed by
James the cameraman.
Tell us, how did you get the gig?
I sell Vicodin
to some of the producers.
What a wonderful Hollywood story.
You know, many viewers think our
cutaways are just whipped together,
but they actually go through
a rigorous testing process
before filming.
This is the planet Jew-piter,
and he could say,
"Next year is my star mitzvah."
Ha-ha. They love it.
Tell the director. Where is he?
It says don't take it with alcohol,
but you should take it with alcohol.
Yeah, duh. I also need a couple
for the girl I'm babysitting.
Meanwhile, David Spade
is making lots of friends on set.
Yeah, I'll definitely talk
to the writers.
I agree, there's a lot about
your character that's still untapped.
OK, thank you, because, like,
yes, I'm greased-up and yes,
I'm deaf, but what else am I?
Totally. Thanks, man.
DIRECTOR: OK, we're ready for you.
I'll be right there.
Who's the new kid? Hot-chee-wawa!
Unfortunately, things aren't going
quite so well for Peter.
(MOBILE RINGS)
Yeah, it's an '09, fully-loaded,
extra-cool AC. Great.
I just made $500 flipping a Honda.
All I did was Armor-All the dash.
Boom.
Hey, any mail for me?
Yes, your death threats to Grimace
have all been returned.
Well, has the Shamrock Shake period
been extended?
I believe that's still seasonal,
but while I have you,
your bill remains unpaid,
and we saw you
selling our robes on eBay.
I'm afraid we're evicting you
from the hotel.
What's your home address?
I'm sorry, sir.
Now do you want to leave
the regular way,
or do you want our Uncle Phil
to throw you out?
I think you know what I want.
(YELLS)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Door was unlocked.
I'm sure that's fine.
Well, this seems like
a really cheery place,
and looks like some guy
named Brooks was here,
and I think this is gonna work out
just great.
You don't miss your show
or your family at all?
Of course I miss my family,
but everything comes
to an end eventually,
and you just...
you just gotta keep moving forward.
Are you gonna be all right?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
In fact, I was just about to melt
some cheese on chips,
if you want to stay for a sad,
single-guy dinner.
You going oven or microwave?
Uh, microwave.
I don't know how to turn on the oven.
Those chips are gonna
be chewy, Peter.
Friday night is tape night
here at Family Guy,
but tonight they'll be filming
the show without Peter Griffin.
I have to admit
it's a little strange
taping a show without Peter.
It just doesn't feel right.
I'm especially going to miss
the Fat Man's bit with the audience
where he fires the T-shirt cannon
at his own head.
You know he once tried to hold up
a store with that thing?
All right, everybody on the floor.
Empty the register.
Please don't do this.
Oh, yeah? You want to be a hero?
Here's what happens to heroes.
Anybody else want to be a hero?
Ooh, me, me, me!
Over here! Over here!
And with regard
to Peter's replacement,
well, as his parents
and previous co-stars have learned,
a little of David Spade
goes a long way.
David, the line is,
"What's for dinner?" Go again.
What's for dinner? Hmm?
OK, we can trim that in editing.
He's getting on people's nerves.
I mean, there's only so many jars
I can open for one man.
Lois, I want pickles. Coming.
He has tiny hands,
but when one of my rings
went down the drain,
he got it right out.
Meanwhile, Peter has wound up
here at the Chinese Theatre,
where panhandlers dress up
like iconic movie characters
and charge tourists for photos.
It's even seedier than it sounds.
Step right up,
get your picture taken
with beloved comic icon
Little Lotta. Just two dollars.
Who are you? Uh, Little Lotta?
She was friends with Audrey and Dot.
Never heard of her. Oh.
That's it. Screw this.
I am taking back my TV show
and my family.
Ah, we just missed her.
Hey, Smitty, I'm here
to get my show back.
I'm sorry, Mr Griffin,
but we have specific orders
not to let you onto the lot.
Seriously? Well, I suppose
you could come inside
if you had an idea for a show
the heads of the network
wanted to buy.
Bumblr with a Tumblr.
So, you see, he's got
a Tumblr account and he's clumsy.
We really like the idea
that the words rhyme.
Absolutely, but just a thought,
what if he doesn't bumble?
Um, I guess so.
And are we married
to the Tumblr account?
They bought the pitch, but, um,
after a series of network notes,
Bumblr with a Tumblr eventually aired
as Bamblr with a Famblr,
which made sense to nobody,
and is now in its third season.
It did also get me on the lot.
All right, stop the show.
Dad. That's right, I'm back.
And, Chris, I brought you a T-shirt
of Kermit the Frog
acting like a hip-hop guy.
That's so dope.
Don't put it on. It'll fall apart.
But listen, everybody,
I realised something.
I've been a real jerk to you guys
and to all the union fat-asses
that I assume do something
to keep this thing going.
The fact is
I got too big for my britches,
but I know now that I'm nothing
without all of you.
Aw, that's nice of you to say.
Thank you, Stewie,
who I can understand,
and if you guys can find it
in your hearts to take me back,
well, then I promise that every day
I'll prove to you how much the show,
and how much my family means to me.
Oh, Peter.
Of course we'll take you back.
Oh, welcome back, buddy.
We missed you so much.
My online poker problem
is burning like a wildfire.
Well, there's only one problem.
What's that?
What are we gonna do
about David Spade?
Don't worry,
I already took care of that.
I got Sofia Vergara deported.
Hey, everyone, cuchi, cuchi.
I'm your mother now.
So, all right, let's do a show.
Oh, wait, if my character's
still alive,
that means we don't have a script
to shoot. Oh, look at this.
We just happen to have
a whole extra script right here.
"Pete, Don't Fail Me Now."
Huh. Sounds like
I might be a teacher.
Oh, I have a goatee
up till the first commercial,
and then I'm a teacher.
Every week, Peter becomes a diva,
so the writers write a fake script
killing him off.
He storms out,
then by Friday's taping
comes crawling back,
and we shoot the real script.
Of course,
he always forgets by Monday,
and becomes a pain in the ass again.
Does it bother me
that he does this every week?
Uh, why don't you ask my Camaro?
WOODS: So, I guess this actually was
a very typical week on the set
of Family Guy.
Thanks for joining us.
I'm James Woods,
and we'll close tonight
with a supercut of every time
in the show's history
that Peter got hit in the crotch
with a bag of nickels.
Ow! (GRUNTING)
Dammit. Oh!
(ALL LAUGH) Why?
Hey, Lois, you should do
that thing that I like. Ah!
Hey, kids, have you seen my wallet?
Oh, nickels.
Son of a bitch.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have reached
our cruising... (THWACK) Dammit!
Boy, can't beat this weather.
Argh. Who is that kid?
Hello? Uh, hang on, I'll check.
Phone call for a bag of nickels?
At least he was alone.
They usually travel in threes.
Ow. Crap.
# B-B-B-Bird, bird, bird,
b-b-b-bird #
Ah, nickels!
(GROANING)
Oh, dammit.
Do you think I'm ever gonna
be able to have...? Ow. (CHUCKLES)
Ow.
subtitles by Deluxe
.
TV ANNOUNCER:
We now return to Doctor Who Farted.
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)
Doctor, the alien attack has begun.
We've got to return
to the 21st century.
Uh, we can't go into
the time machine right now.
But they're going to kill us all.
All right, all right,
just one second.
So, how was your weekend?
Is...is it your line?
I don't... Uh, no, I don't think so.
I'm sorry. Whose line is it?
DIRECTOR: Cut!
(BELL RINGS)
That was Peter's line.
Where's Peter?
Sorry, I was in my trailer
eating fancy nuts and smoking.
All right, everybody, take five.
OK, I'll be in my dressing-room
playing online poker.
That's me asking for help.
Hi, I'm James Woods.
You might know me
from banging your niece
on a pile of your brother's
pool equipment. Or from Salvador.
But tonight, I'm here
to take you behind the scenes
on the set of Family Guy.
For the first time ever,
you'll see what
a typical production week is like
for TV's 11th favourite family.
So please join me as we go
Inside Family Guy.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
It's certainly not easy
being a family
that also happens
to star in a sitcom together.
Especially last year, when I
discovered those naked pictures
of that 18-year-old intern
on Peter's phone.
But he explained that
his phone number was the old number
of...of her ex-boyfriend,
so what was it again?
Oh, the Cloud, that's right.
So the photos were on the Cloud,
and that the...the Cloud
pulled the pictures, or...?
I mean, even if the pictures
had not been sent directly to him,
and that's why he has them.
And...and we both
called the Apple Store,
and they said they can't disprove
that it doesn't happen,
so here we are, still married,
still on the show.
And it's happened
five times since then,
and some of the pictures had
both Peter and the girl in them.
Being on this show reminds me of one
of my favourite quotes from Macbeth.
WOODS: What's the quote? Whoa!
I didn't realise this was a trial.
Objection, Your Honour.
Yeah, it's great, you know,
doing a show with your family.
Cos what guy doesn't want to go to
his office and have his family there?
You know, and then you go home after
work and catch up with the family.
And then, next day, same thing.
Just trying to make it
to the weekend, so you can
spend some time with the family.
Isn't that the dream?
Now, I understand the show was
quite different when it started.
Yeah, in the original pilot,
I was actually the star.
It was called
Chris Griffin: Teen Doctor.
Sir, I'm afraid
I've got some bad news.
Well, it can't be any worse
than what's in here.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I ad-libbed that line.
I wasn't even supposed to talk.
What they didn't know is that
I'd been privately doing jokes
about the newspaper for years.
But, you know, it's not just
the Griffins who work hard
to make Family Guy what it is.
Here in the props department,
some sweaty guy
is working on the Petercopter.
That's right. You know,
a lot of people don't realise
SEAL Team Six actually completed
their mission in this puppy.
Oh, cool, Family Guy.
Over here. I'm down here.
Knock-knock? Yeah?
Hi, Stewie. Hey, I was just showing
the viewers around Family Guy,
and we thought we'd drop in
and talk to you about the show.
You want to talk about the show?
I'll talk about the show.
The show sucks.
The only reason I stay here
Hi. Are you a straight, adult male
who likes to eat crepes
without people making unwanted
assumptions about your private life?
(DOORBELL)
Very masculine pizza delivery
for Stewie Griffin?
Oh, thank you.
Mmm, strawberry-banana-Nutella
with raspberry drizzle!
Now I just need a guy's butt
to eat this off of,
and I got myself a night.
But of course, every episode of
Family Guy starts with the writing.
And here we are -
the Family Guy writers' room...
..where the writers are hard at work
with the show's talented cast.
Look, don't get me wrong, guys.
I think it's hilarious,
and I totally get that the sex thing
is what made me popular, but...
would it kill us to just once tell
a joke that brings glory to God?
Eight years ago,
Glenn opened a restaurant
where he was spying on ladies
peeing in the bathroom.
As part of the
class-action settlement,
he entered rehab,
and that's where he found Jesus.
The restaurant
was called Sprinklers.
That should have been a tip-off.
He still runs Dumpy's,
but I'm pretty sure that one's legit.
WOODS: As the star of the show,
Peter likes to stay involved
in the writing process.
All right, butthorns, which one
of you idiots wrote this script?
Uh, I did.
Oh, what, did you write it,
like, on a computer? Yeah.
So you know a lot
about computers? Yeah.
Can you show me how to turn off
the flashlight on my phone?
Don't touch my phone.
And another thing,
I read this piece of garbage script.
It's only one page.
That's never gonna cut it.
Uh, that's just the cover.
You can turn the page, like this.
Well, why you hiding all these pages
behind the first page?
What's wrong with them?
Stand by your work or get out.
Now spit in each other's mouths.
You know I'm only tough on you
cos I hate you, right?
Yeah, over the years, Peter's become
just a total nightmare.
I mean, you know,
he's not Jim Belushi.
He's not peeing in Snapple bottles
on set, which is, like,
a totally real thing.
But he...he's pretty bad.
Dad refuses to interact
with any actors on set.
He'll only rehearse
with helium balloons
with crudely drawn faces on them.
I'm sorry, Meg, but you're grounded.
(OVER RADIO)
But, Dad, the prom is tonight. Over.
LOIS: (OVER RADIO)
You heard your father, Meg. Over.
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
JOE: Peter, you ready to hit
the Drunken Clam? Over.
It's difficult having to give up
my chair for the balloon.
But that's the business
we call "show".
Excuse me, Joe.
The Fat Man's behaviour has been
deteriorating for quite some time.
And I think someone may have placed
an anonymous phone call
to the network about it.
(STEWIE SPEAKING IN FALSETTO)
Word around the stage is they've
decided to finally fire Peter
and replace him with another actor.
And this time, it's permanent.
Not like when we killed off Brian
for a few episodes
so he could shoot that crappy movie.
What was it?
It was a remake of Old Yeller where
the dog gets the drop on him
and kills him first.
I'm sorry.
No, I'm sorry.
(EXCLAIMS)
They miscalculated the number of
dogs who buy movie tickets.
It's actually pretty awkward.
I mean, Dad's the only one
in the whole production
who doesn't know he's being fired.
But he'll find out tomorrow
at the table read.
This is how we did that.
Bet you didn't know.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
The table read is where
the Family Guy cast reads aloud
that week's script to see how
the story and the jokes are working.
And where Peter will learn
he's being written off the show.
OK, everybody,
welcome to the table read
for this week's episode, entitled
"Peter Dies. We're Really Serious,
No Joke,
He's Dead and Never Coming Back."
Oh, and there's other pages.
You gotta turn them.
Here, let me show you.
"Interior, Griffins' living-room,
day. Brian, Meg and Chris watch TV.
Lois enters, upset."
"You guys, I have terrible news!
Your father is dead.
He was shot in the head
while killing himself.
I suppose he had his demons.
And his enemies."
Wait, I'm... I'm what?
Oh...oh, I know.
Stewie's gonna fire up
his time machine and undo this.
"Stewie enters."
"Brian, bad news.
My time machine got a virus
that causes Dad to die again
if it's ever used."
Oh, wait, you know what?
I bet this is all Chris' dream.
"Wow, I am wide awake."
OK, but there's no way this is real.
They'd have to bring in someone
to replace me.
"Uncle Ricky, played by
sitcom buzzard David Spade, enters."
Hi, everybody.
ALL: Uncle Ricky!
Hey guys, a time period called.
They want an object back.
(ALL LAUGH)
Ah, do we have to go
to Dad's funeral?
Let's just play
with Uncle Ricky instead.
"The family cheers.
They do not miss Peter."
I'm sorry, Peter, but
the production just can't deal
with all your nonsense any more.
We're letting you go.
Oh, please, don't do this.
I'm begging you. Just give me
one more chance.
OK, fine.
(BLEEP)
All right. That's it, you're fired.
And you guys are all OK with this?
I'm sorry, sweetheart.
This is painful for all of us, but
we just don't see another option.
Yeah, Peter, we love you,
and you're still part of the family,
just not part of the show.
Look, I don't know who brought this
on, but maybe it's for the best.
Fine, you bastards can fire me, but
at least I'm leaving with my dignity.
Have a good life, Mr G.
Your penis is out.
Welcome back to Inside Family Guy.
I'm your host and angel investor
to The Fappening, James Woods.
Boy, we picked quite a week
to document the production of
a Family Guy episode.
Yesterday, Peter Griffin was
fired from the show
and replaced by David Spade.
Given this surprising development,
we decided to follow Peter
and see if our cameras
could capture his story as well.
We caught up with Peter
at Hollywood's legendary
Chateau Marmont Hotel,
where I once engaged
in the consensual murder
of an under-aged prostitute.
So, what's your plan? Are you going
to be staying here for a while?
I figured if my family doesn't
want me on the show,
there's no reason I should keep
living with them.
I mean, there's no hard feelings.
I just feel like this is best for me,
and this is best for
those cancerous dicks.
And what's next for Peter Griffin?
Well, starting tomorrow,
I'm getting back out there.
I already got an audition
to be the caring dad
for a Cheerios commercial.
Hey, Dad? Yeah, bud?
When you were a kid, what did you
want to be when you grew up?
Well, I wanted to be a rock star.
Why didn't you become one?
Cos of you, bud.
I smiled at one girl
in a cell-phone store,
and now here I am, stuck
eating cereal for dinner with a kid.
You'll always be a rock star
to me, Dad.
You ruined my life.
I'm going to bed.
Wednesdays are rehearsal days
here at Family Guy,
and the first rehearsal
with David Spade
appears to be going very well.
"Uncle Ricky, what are all these
strippers doing in our house?"
"Uh, each other?" Hmm?
(LAUGHS UNCONTROLLABLY)
Oh, my God. I'm sorry, I just...
Did you see the way he smirked?
He's like a naughty 53-year-old boy.
Who is this guy?
I'm not familiar with him.
That's David Spade
from Just Shoot Me!
I don't know that one.
He was in Grown Ups,
Joe Dirt, Saturday Night Live...
Saturday what how? He was also in
some movie called Senseless.
With Marlon Wayans?
Oh, yeah, he played Scott Thorpe.
Donna, I'm here with Scott Thorpe.
That's right, from Senseless.
Yeah, I gotta be honest.
I'm having a blast.
You know, now that I'm not
tied down by the show,
it's given me more time
to pursue my true passion,
weaving sexually explicit tapestries
featuring the Minions.
Did you have any questions
about the artist?
Thursdays at Family Guy are reserved
for shooting all those flashbacks
and cutaway gags we love so much,
and what most people don't know
is that all these gags
are directed by James Cameron.
What's that? I'm sorry.
Apparently, I misread the cue card.
They're directed by
James the cameraman.
Tell us, how did you get the gig?
I sell Vicodin
to some of the producers.
What a wonderful Hollywood story.
You know, many viewers think our
cutaways are just whipped together,
but they actually go through
a rigorous testing process
before filming.
This is the planet Jew-piter,
and he could say,
"Next year is my star mitzvah."
Ha-ha. They love it.
Tell the director. Where is he?
It says don't take it with alcohol,
but you should take it with alcohol.
Yeah, duh. I also need a couple
for the girl I'm babysitting.
Meanwhile, David Spade
is making lots of friends on set.
Yeah, I'll definitely talk
to the writers.
I agree, there's a lot about
your character that's still untapped.
OK, thank you, because, like,
yes, I'm greased-up and yes,
I'm deaf, but what else am I?
Totally. Thanks, man.
DIRECTOR: OK, we're ready for you.
I'll be right there.
Who's the new kid? Hot-chee-wawa!
Unfortunately, things aren't going
quite so well for Peter.
(MOBILE RINGS)
Yeah, it's an '09, fully-loaded,
extra-cool AC. Great.
I just made $500 flipping a Honda.
All I did was Armor-All the dash.
Boom.
Hey, any mail for me?
Yes, your death threats to Grimace
have all been returned.
Well, has the Shamrock Shake period
been extended?
I believe that's still seasonal,
but while I have you,
your bill remains unpaid,
and we saw you
selling our robes on eBay.
I'm afraid we're evicting you
from the hotel.
What's your home address?
I'm sorry, sir.
Now do you want to leave
the regular way,
or do you want our Uncle Phil
to throw you out?
I think you know what I want.
(YELLS)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Door was unlocked.
I'm sure that's fine.
Well, this seems like
a really cheery place,
and looks like some guy
named Brooks was here,
and I think this is gonna work out
just great.
You don't miss your show
or your family at all?
Of course I miss my family,
but everything comes
to an end eventually,
and you just...
you just gotta keep moving forward.
Are you gonna be all right?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
In fact, I was just about to melt
some cheese on chips,
if you want to stay for a sad,
single-guy dinner.
You going oven or microwave?
Uh, microwave.
I don't know how to turn on the oven.
Those chips are gonna
be chewy, Peter.
Friday night is tape night
here at Family Guy,
but tonight they'll be filming
the show without Peter Griffin.
I have to admit
it's a little strange
taping a show without Peter.
It just doesn't feel right.
I'm especially going to miss
the Fat Man's bit with the audience
where he fires the T-shirt cannon
at his own head.
You know he once tried to hold up
a store with that thing?
All right, everybody on the floor.
Empty the register.
Please don't do this.
Oh, yeah? You want to be a hero?
Here's what happens to heroes.
Anybody else want to be a hero?
Ooh, me, me, me!
Over here! Over here!
And with regard
to Peter's replacement,
well, as his parents
and previous co-stars have learned,
a little of David Spade
goes a long way.
David, the line is,
"What's for dinner?" Go again.
What's for dinner? Hmm?
OK, we can trim that in editing.
He's getting on people's nerves.
I mean, there's only so many jars
I can open for one man.
Lois, I want pickles. Coming.
He has tiny hands,
but when one of my rings
went down the drain,
he got it right out.
Meanwhile, Peter has wound up
here at the Chinese Theatre,
where panhandlers dress up
like iconic movie characters
and charge tourists for photos.
It's even seedier than it sounds.
Step right up,
get your picture taken
with beloved comic icon
Little Lotta. Just two dollars.
Who are you? Uh, Little Lotta?
She was friends with Audrey and Dot.
Never heard of her. Oh.
That's it. Screw this.
I am taking back my TV show
and my family.
Ah, we just missed her.
Hey, Smitty, I'm here
to get my show back.
I'm sorry, Mr Griffin,
but we have specific orders
not to let you onto the lot.
Seriously? Well, I suppose
you could come inside
if you had an idea for a show
the heads of the network
wanted to buy.
Bumblr with a Tumblr.
So, you see, he's got
a Tumblr account and he's clumsy.
We really like the idea
that the words rhyme.
Absolutely, but just a thought,
what if he doesn't bumble?
Um, I guess so.
And are we married
to the Tumblr account?
They bought the pitch, but, um,
after a series of network notes,
Bumblr with a Tumblr eventually aired
as Bamblr with a Famblr,
which made sense to nobody,
and is now in its third season.
It did also get me on the lot.
All right, stop the show.
Dad. That's right, I'm back.
And, Chris, I brought you a T-shirt
of Kermit the Frog
acting like a hip-hop guy.
That's so dope.
Don't put it on. It'll fall apart.
But listen, everybody,
I realised something.
I've been a real jerk to you guys
and to all the union fat-asses
that I assume do something
to keep this thing going.
The fact is
I got too big for my britches,
but I know now that I'm nothing
without all of you.
Aw, that's nice of you to say.
Thank you, Stewie,
who I can understand,
and if you guys can find it
in your hearts to take me back,
well, then I promise that every day
I'll prove to you how much the show,
and how much my family means to me.
Oh, Peter.
Of course we'll take you back.
Oh, welcome back, buddy.
We missed you so much.
My online poker problem
is burning like a wildfire.
Well, there's only one problem.
What's that?
What are we gonna do
about David Spade?
Don't worry,
I already took care of that.
I got Sofia Vergara deported.
Hey, everyone, cuchi, cuchi.
I'm your mother now.
So, all right, let's do a show.
Oh, wait, if my character's
still alive,
that means we don't have a script
to shoot. Oh, look at this.
We just happen to have
a whole extra script right here.
"Pete, Don't Fail Me Now."
Huh. Sounds like
I might be a teacher.
Oh, I have a goatee
up till the first commercial,
and then I'm a teacher.
Every week, Peter becomes a diva,
so the writers write a fake script
killing him off.
He storms out,
then by Friday's taping
comes crawling back,
and we shoot the real script.
Of course,
he always forgets by Monday,
and becomes a pain in the ass again.
Does it bother me
that he does this every week?
Uh, why don't you ask my Camaro?
WOODS: So, I guess this actually was
a very typical week on the set
of Family Guy.
Thanks for joining us.
I'm James Woods,
and we'll close tonight
with a supercut of every time
in the show's history
that Peter got hit in the crotch
with a bag of nickels.
Ow! (GRUNTING)
Dammit. Oh!
(ALL LAUGH) Why?
Hey, Lois, you should do
that thing that I like. Ah!
Hey, kids, have you seen my wallet?
Oh, nickels.
Son of a bitch.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have reached
our cruising... (THWACK) Dammit!
Boy, can't beat this weather.
Argh. Who is that kid?
Hello? Uh, hang on, I'll check.
Phone call for a bag of nickels?
At least he was alone.
They usually travel in threes.
Ow. Crap.
# B-B-B-Bird, bird, bird,
b-b-b-bird #
Ah, nickels!
(GROANING)
Oh, dammit.
Do you think I'm ever gonna
be able to have...? Ow. (CHUCKLES)
Ow.
subtitles by Deluxe
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