Family Guy (1998–…): Season 16, Episode 2 - Foxx in the Men House - full transcript
Peter dumps Quagmire, Joe, and Cleveland when he becomes friends with a cool paramedic.
♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
♪ But where are those good
old-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
♪ All the things that make us ♪
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
(FOOD SIZZLING)
Wow, you guys.
I've never been to a
restaurant where they cook
right in front of you.
Ugh. You know, later we're
going to have to take
one of those forced
happiness family photos
that come in the
restaurant's tacky frame.
Why are you so (BLEEP)
negative all the time?
I... uh... wha... I don't... uh, what?
Come on, you guys, relax.
Let's have a fun night.
We haven't done anything as a family
since we sat courtside at that NBA game.
(SNEAKERS SQUEAKING ON
COURT, CROWD GASPS)
You okay? You guys, okay?
Great seats.
Yeah, it's a whole different
game when you sit down here.
Huh, "samurai" or "geishas."
Which one am I?
I'll just wait till
somebody else goes in.
Well, that wasn't helpful.
Hmm, this one's holding a fan.
That's usually what I need
when I'm done in a bathroom.
Oop, no urinals.
Must've guessed wrong.
Wow, look at this place.
There's candles, hand lotion.
Whoa, there's not even any swastikas
carved into the toilet seat.
And it's so peaceful.
I haven't heard a guy's booming fart
the whole time I've been in here.
I feel more relaxed than
a chick on Facebook
with her legs in front of a pool.
- (NOTIFICATIONS BEEPING)
- _
_
_
All right, Lois, I'm off to the mall.
I'll be back in about 20 minutes.
Oh, what are you gonna buy?
Nothing. After the other
night, I made a decision:
from now on, I'm only
using women's restrooms.
What? You can't do that. You're a man.
You'll get in trouble.
Oh, I got that covered.
I'm going to Anthropologie.
I'll just ask them for
something so ridiculous,
they'll have to check
in the back for it.
And then I'll sneak into
their ladies' room.
Yes, I'd like a $4,000 ping-pong table
that's shaped like Easter Islan
We have one right over there.
_
Okay.
How about a telephone that's
made of vintage phone book paper
and doesn't make or receive
phone calls or work in any way?
You mean like this one right here?
_
- Right, but what if I wanted...
- Sir, sir?
There's nothing you can possibly imagine
that's strange or useless
enough that we don't have it
here at Anthropologie.
I know one thing you don't
have, black customers.
Ah! I'm melting!
Ha-ha! To the ladies' room!
Wow, this is the nicest one yet.
_
Eh, what are the odds
she's gonna show up?
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
(WOMAN CLEARS THROAT)
Did you get your ass
kicked by Meryl Streep?
No, it was just some
low-class cockney woman
from the mid-1800s and... (GASPS)
Bravo!
She is amazing.
(MERYL STREEP'S VOICE): Thank you.
Stay out of my crapper.
(APPLAUSE)
And the Oscar goes to...
Meryl Streep, for Stay
Out of My Crapper.
(TRIUMPHANT ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING)
(APPLAUSE)
Ah, the ladies' room at Wimbledon.
This must be the fanciest
bathroom in the world.
Uh-oh, looks like these are in use.
(WOMEN GRUNTING BACK AND FORTH)
(GRUNTS LOUDLY)
(APPLAUSE)
Deuce.
Hey, uh, don't tell Mom that we
don't use car seats with me.
Unhand me! What do you
think you're doing?!
Okay, Stewie, you're gonna
help Daddy by holding his iPad
while he watches season
one of House of Cards.
(HOUSE OF CARDS THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
Wh... where was the house?
Where was the house of cards?
All right, Stewie, time to go.
Whoa, whoa. (CHUCKLES) A little wobbly.
Guess my legs fell asleep.
(YELLS)
Aah!
Stewie, Daddy can't feel
his legs. Go get help!
I'm hanging from a door, you idiot!
(YELLS)
(GRUNTS)
By the way, you're down
to five percent battery.
Oh, damn it, my head.
Well, no wonder... you're
running all the apps at once.
(GROANS)
MAN: Sir? Sir, can you hear me?
There he is.
Welcome back, buddy.
- Who are you?
- I'm a paramedic.
Name's Stryker Foxx.
(BELL CHIMES)
Oh, Lois just texted.
"Burgers or meatballs for dinner?"
I'll text back for you.
"Same thing, bitch.
Just different shapes."
(IPAD CHIMING RAPIDLY)
(CHUCKLES): Oh, this is gonna be fun.
Oh, battery died.
Sir, you've sustained a head injury.
How many chicken fingers am I
holding up, and do you want one?
Three, and hell yeah!
Mmm. Aw. These are amazing!
Did I die and go to heaven?
Well, you didn't die,
'cause I saved you.
And you're not in heaven 'cause
you're not holding a margarita.
Oh, wait a minute, yes, you are.
You brought a lot of
food in the bathroom.
I always do.
Oh, my God.
Are you the coolest guy ever?
Ah, that's just a silly
title they gave me
down at the Karate
Paintball Dirt Bike Club.
Awesome!
Okay, well, bandaged you up.
You should be good to go.
But just be more careful next time.
I know. What a stupid injury, huh?
I haven't been this embarrassed
since I was a rookie firefighter.
(ALARM RINGING)
PETER: Sorry, first day. Still learning.
Hey, Stryker, wait!
Hey, listen, I just wanted
to say thanks again
for patching me up.
No problem, buddy.
Hey, that's an interesting
necklace you got there.
Oh, this? It's from when I was a kid.
It's half of a "best friend" coin.
I always had this crazy dream
that one day I'd run into the
guy with the other half.
Oh, my God. Cody?
Oh, that must be the name of the
dead surfer I found this on.
TV ANNOUNCER: We now
return to the Olympics.
Ugh, it's so annoying.
They always use football announcers
for events they know nothing about.
ANNOUNCER: The players are ready
to take the swimming field.
(ALARM BUZZES)
And they're swimming!
They appear to be doing
the forward stroke.
My neighbor has a pool.
I'll take a dip if I know
they're on vacation.
It's neck-and-neck, and
it looks like Canada won!
Uh, no, they're going
back the other way.
What do you think? How do I look?
Like a gas station energy drink.
But you put that on to go to the Clam?
Aren't the guys gonna think
you're a little overdressed?
Oh, I'm not hanging out with the guys.
I met someone new.
His name's Stryker and he's really cool.
Like, he's one of those
guys whose forearm hair
makes his watch look even cooler.
(PHONE RINGING)
(GASPS) It's Stryker!
I want him to think I was
listening to a cool song.
♪ Pump up the jam... ♪
Yeah, who dis?
Oh, hey, man.
Oh, nothing much. Just getting slurped.
- Ew.
- Oh, you're almost here?
Okay, just, uh, just give me a second
so I can put away all my guitars.
Okay, Seacrest out. Bye.
(MUSIC STOPS)
What the hell was that?
Lay off. Nothing.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Hey, Peter.
Hey, man.
Hola, cha-cha, hi-hi.
- Peter!
- I don't know. It's-it's this house.
I-I got to get out of this house.
Boy, Dad sure seems excited.
I know. I haven't seen him this giddy
since he discovered that
single-loop roller coaster.
(GIGGLES)
Ah...
(GIGGLES)
Ah...
(GIGGLES)
Ah...
Uh, don't feel so good.
(RETCHES) Ew!
Ah...
(RETCHES) Ew!
Ah...
(RETCHES) Ew!
♪ ♪
Wow, what a cool loft.
I bet it cost a ton to make
this place look unfinished.
Hey, come over here.
There's someone I want
to introduce you to,
1997 George Clooney.
Wow! That's the coolest
George Clooney there is!
Hi, George Clooney, second worst Batman.
Peter Griffin, second best Homer.
You may have heard, I'm also known
for my practical jokes on the set.
One time, I nailed Nora Dunn
in the head with an apple.
(LAUGHS): That-that's hilarious
'cause you're handsome.
Otherwise, you're just
some dick who hit a lady.
Aw, thanks for bringing
me here, Stryker.
I'm having the best time ever.
Even better than when
I lived in Santa Fe.
Have you ever seen a prettier sunset?
Never.
It's just so peaceful here.
It sure is.
Mm. Sure is.
Did you also have a very public
meltdown in another city?
- I did.
- Yeah. Yeah.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Ugh, it's the guys.
What do those losers want?
Losers? Those are your friends.
Nah, they're lame.
Not one of them has ever
vaped at a funeral.
Hey, Peter. Hey, what
are you doing tonight?
We're gonna watch Cleveland
put a garbage can full
of coins in a Coinstar.
Sometimes it takes my buttons.
Eh, thanks, guys, but I-I can't make it.
I'm, um, I'm getting re-circumcised.
Got a wedding next week.
I just want to clean it up a bit.
Oh, well, that's too bad.
Yeah, maybe next time.
That sounds horrible.
Peter, why did you just lie to the guys?
'Cause I got plans with Stryker.
I don't want them to embarrass me.
Eh, I get where he's coming from.
That's why I never introduce
you to my friends.
What friends?
Like the guys in my photography club.
"Dear Gary Glitter, Jeffrey Jones
and Jared from Subway,
I feel like I'm the
only one sending pics.
I love all the positive feedback,
but maybe you guys send a pic?
Anyway, here's more pics."
♪ ♪
Hey, you ever try that? Wingsuiting?
I mean, basically, yeah.
One time, I jumped off a top bunk
with a towel around my neck like a cape.
It was inside the IKEA.
I landed on a cardboard computer.
We should totally do that sometime.
Nah, I can't go back there.
They got my picture by the door.
Hey, he is in here.
What the hell are you guys doing here?
We were coming back from the Coinstar
and saw your car out front.
Rough night. Turns out
the can was all buttons.
We're not gonna make our mortgage.
What are you doing here?
I thought you were too
busy to go out tonight.
Peter, who are your friends?
Oh, um... Stryker, this is
Quagmire, Joe and Cleveland.
How do you two know each other?
Did you meet at the Harry Potter store?
Peter loves that place.
It was one wand and I was
using a gift certificate.
No, we actually met when I was
administering first aid to him.
- I'm a paramedic.
- For real?
Hey, can I show you seven
or eight things on my body
and ask for medical diagnosises?
This thing here that looks
like a second elbow,
I don't know what it is.
Feels like it's filled with liquid.
Well, I could take a look at it.
No, no, no, guys, guys,
it's his night off.
I have two pee holes.
Stop it! Stop it. Guys,
can I talk to you?
Look, this, this right here
is exactly why I've been avoiding you.
I knew you'd embarrass
me in front of Stryker.
Who cares? He's just some dude.
He's not "just some dude."
He happens to be the
first really cool friend
I've ever had.
What are you talking about? We're cool.
You are absolutely not cool.
Oh, yeah?
Well, then why did those
teenagers on the way in say,
"Cool wheelchair, dick"?
Hey, look, Peter, if you're
so embarrassed by us
and you think we're losers,
well, then we don't want to
hang out with you, either.
Good. Who needs you bums? I got Stryker.
Oh, yeah?
Well, I hope you two are
happy together, you jerk.
BOY: Cool wheelchair, dick.
JOE: Thanks. Did you see the
backpack hanging off it?
Wow, you know,
I never thought I could be
talked into wingsuiting.
You're gonna love it.
It's just a short hike
from here to the summit.
A hike? It's no problem.
Shouldn't affect my old football injury.
I spilled hot chili on my nuts.
You're a riot, Peter.
Hey, you sure you're up for this?
Oh, hell yeah. When I commit to
something, I go all the way,
like when I had Kathleen Turner's voice.
(KATHLEEN TURNER'S VOICE):
Good morning, guys.
Peter, what's wrong with your voice?
I got punched in the throat
at the Clam last night.
Now I sound exactly
like Kathleen Turner.
I'm just gonna get my stromboli.
Hey! Get away from my
stromboli, Kathleen Turner!
(SHOUTS)
_
_
Wow, that's, uh... that's some view.
I know, isn't it?
You see that rock formation over there?
We're gonna fly right
through the center of it.
It's called threading the needle.
Totally intense.
Uh-huh, uh-huh, yeah.
Or-or how about this?
Maybe you jump off this cliff
and I spin around over there
and sing Sound of Music.
Or-or we could just go home
and watch Sound of Music.
I can see you're a
little nervous, Peter,
but I'm telling you, it
is easier than you think.
Watch.
♪ ♪
Wow, look at him go.
You know, just when I thought
he couldn't get any cooler,
he goes... (BLEEP)
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh! What-what just... There's
almost nothing left of him!
And I just know I'm gonna be the one
to have to intify the body.
(CRYING): That's him. Poor guy.
He looks like a bowl of tomato soup.
Guy next to him died in a fire
He looks like a grilled cheese sandwich.
Oh, these two poor souls
are the best combination
for a rainy Saturday.
So, hey, guys.
What are we drinking? Beer?
Hey, Quagmire, how about one
of your famous sexual stories?
Take a hike, Peter.
Ah, oh, you-you mean
something Joe can't do?
(LAUGHS)
Friendly jokes indicating closeness.
We heard about Stryker dying.
Ah, craps.
Yeah, give it up.
We know the only reason you're here
is 'cause your cool friend is gone.
That's right. We're not
your floppy seconds, Peter.
It's actually "sloppy."
Well, for me, it's both.
But listen, you really
hurt our feelings.
You can't just treat us like
garbage and then expect us
to take you back like nothing happened.
Okay, that's-that's too bad
'cause that was kind of my plan.
Well, you can go to hell, Peter.
We're tired of you
taking us for granted.
Yeah, and this isn't even the first time
you ditched us for someone else.
Remember when you blew us off
to hang out with Jerry Seinfeld?
Julia Louis-Dreyfus has
a lot of Emmys now.
Yeah.
Why did your wife steal that cookbook?
Peter, I'm sorry about
your friend Stryker.
I know it's got to be hard
to watch a man explode
like a bug on a windshield.
No, it's not that...
I mean, I do see that every
time I close my eyes...
But it's the guys.
They're really mad at
me, and I'm-I'm afraid
they don't want to be
friends with me anymore.
Well, it's hard to blame them.
You treated them like you
don't even care about them.
I do care about them.
It's just, when I hung
around with Stryker,
people thought I was cool,
and it-it felt good.
No one ever thinks I'm cool.
Your friends thought you were
cool, until you dumped them.
Oh, wow, I guess you're right.
I treated them like crap.
I just got to find a way
to make it up to them.
You got any ideas?
Mom? Dad? Can Gary
Glitter, Jeffrey Jones
and Jared from Subway spend the night?
I don't know, Peter,
but it's got to be something
really meaningful,
because imagine how they feel.
After all, you were willing to
jump off a cliff for Stryker.
Well, they didn't say yes,
but they didn't say no.
You're right.
Thanks, Lois.
And now I know exactly
what I have to do.
Uh, where the hell are you going?
Lois told me to go jump off a cliff
to prove my friendship to the guys.
Are-are you, are you sure
that's what she said?
I-I don't know, Brian. Her
shirt was kind of open.
I was trying to get a peek down there.
Anyway, I got to go jump off a cliff.
Peter, wait. H-Hold on. This is crazy!
Damn it.
Where's Peter going?
Huh?
Oh, for God's sake.
Hey, Quagmire, Cleveland and Joe.
It's your buddy, Peter, and I'm
about to thread the needle
to prove to you guys how sorry I am
and that I'd do anything
to win you back.
And if something goes wrong
and I don't survive,
you can go ahead and delete
the Kennedy Center Honors from my DVR.
I'm-I'm never gonna watch that.
Okay, here goes nothing.
I just wish the sponsor on
msuit was a little cooler.
♪ ♪
CLEVELAND: Peter, stop!
Don't jump!
Brian told us you were gonna...
Why are you wearing a douche suit?
They also make wipes!
They're not known for their wipes.
Peter, you don't have
to jump off a cliff
to prove you're sorry.
Not all of us believe
that, but we took a vote
and I agreed I'd respect the majority.
Look, you really treated us badly,
but the fact that you'd be willing
to literally risk your life just
to show us how much you care,
well, that says a lot.
Listen, I'm so sorry.
If being cool means don't get
to hang out with you guys,
then I don't ever want to be cool.
What do you say? Can we just
go back to being friends?
- Of course.
- You bet.
Totes McGoats.
(LAUGHS) "Totes McGoats"?
Maybe you guys are cool. Fist bump.
Ah, crap! (SCREAMS)
- Oh, my God!
- Peter!
Should I shoot him, make it go quicker?
I got a shot.
Too late. You didn't
answer quick enough.
(SCREAMING)
PETER: Hey, I'm doing it.
This ain't so hard.
Guys, I'm gonna do it!
I'm gonna thread the needle!
QUAGMIRE: What? We can't hear you!
We're very far away!
Oh, my God, I did it!
I was actually able to thread the...
Oh, crap, Canadian goose.
Look out, eh?
(SCREAMING)
(BIRDS SQUAWKING)
Oh! Damn it! Ah! Son of a bitch!
(SCREAMING)
(GRUNTING)
(GROANS)
I think I'm okay.
Ah, nickels!
Well, it's good to be back, you guys.
A-And I'm sorry again I
dumped you for Stryker.
Who the hell is this Stryker
guy you keep talking about?
What do you mean?
He's that cool, handsome
guy I was friends with.
He's the whole reason I went
wingsuiting and hurt my head.
Wingsuiting?
Peter, you hurt your head
in a ladies' bathroom.
Yeah, your legs fell asleep and
you bashed it against a sink.
You were in a coma for two weeks.
You must've dreamed about
this Stryker or something.
No, we were buddies.
We rode on his motorcycle.
And he introduced me to
1997 George Clooney.
Okay, well, right there you
should've known it wasn't real.
Huh.
Well, whether it was real or not,
I want you to know you are the
best friends I've ever had.
Of course we know that, Peter.
Yeah, and we feel the same way.
Hey, this is a really weird question,
but do you boys want to go out dancing?
PETER: That night,
we danced until the sun came up.
We forgot all about my coma
and my crazy dream about a cool guy.
We were just four middle-aged men
doing Ecstasy at a Mexican prom.
I'm Peter Griffin, and
these are my stories.
♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
♪ But where are those good
old-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
♪ All the things that make us ♪
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
(FOOD SIZZLING)
Wow, you guys.
I've never been to a
restaurant where they cook
right in front of you.
Ugh. You know, later we're
going to have to take
one of those forced
happiness family photos
that come in the
restaurant's tacky frame.
Why are you so (BLEEP)
negative all the time?
I... uh... wha... I don't... uh, what?
Come on, you guys, relax.
Let's have a fun night.
We haven't done anything as a family
since we sat courtside at that NBA game.
(SNEAKERS SQUEAKING ON
COURT, CROWD GASPS)
You okay? You guys, okay?
Great seats.
Yeah, it's a whole different
game when you sit down here.
Huh, "samurai" or "geishas."
Which one am I?
I'll just wait till
somebody else goes in.
Well, that wasn't helpful.
Hmm, this one's holding a fan.
That's usually what I need
when I'm done in a bathroom.
Oop, no urinals.
Must've guessed wrong.
Wow, look at this place.
There's candles, hand lotion.
Whoa, there's not even any swastikas
carved into the toilet seat.
And it's so peaceful.
I haven't heard a guy's booming fart
the whole time I've been in here.
I feel more relaxed than
a chick on Facebook
with her legs in front of a pool.
- (NOTIFICATIONS BEEPING)
- _
_
_
All right, Lois, I'm off to the mall.
I'll be back in about 20 minutes.
Oh, what are you gonna buy?
Nothing. After the other
night, I made a decision:
from now on, I'm only
using women's restrooms.
What? You can't do that. You're a man.
You'll get in trouble.
Oh, I got that covered.
I'm going to Anthropologie.
I'll just ask them for
something so ridiculous,
they'll have to check
in the back for it.
And then I'll sneak into
their ladies' room.
Yes, I'd like a $4,000 ping-pong table
that's shaped like Easter Islan
We have one right over there.
_
Okay.
How about a telephone that's
made of vintage phone book paper
and doesn't make or receive
phone calls or work in any way?
You mean like this one right here?
_
- Right, but what if I wanted...
- Sir, sir?
There's nothing you can possibly imagine
that's strange or useless
enough that we don't have it
here at Anthropologie.
I know one thing you don't
have, black customers.
Ah! I'm melting!
Ha-ha! To the ladies' room!
Wow, this is the nicest one yet.
_
Eh, what are the odds
she's gonna show up?
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
(WOMAN CLEARS THROAT)
Did you get your ass
kicked by Meryl Streep?
No, it was just some
low-class cockney woman
from the mid-1800s and... (GASPS)
Bravo!
She is amazing.
(MERYL STREEP'S VOICE): Thank you.
Stay out of my crapper.
(APPLAUSE)
And the Oscar goes to...
Meryl Streep, for Stay
Out of My Crapper.
(TRIUMPHANT ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING)
(APPLAUSE)
Ah, the ladies' room at Wimbledon.
This must be the fanciest
bathroom in the world.
Uh-oh, looks like these are in use.
(WOMEN GRUNTING BACK AND FORTH)
(GRUNTS LOUDLY)
(APPLAUSE)
Deuce.
Hey, uh, don't tell Mom that we
don't use car seats with me.
Unhand me! What do you
think you're doing?!
Okay, Stewie, you're gonna
help Daddy by holding his iPad
while he watches season
one of House of Cards.
(HOUSE OF CARDS THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
Wh... where was the house?
Where was the house of cards?
All right, Stewie, time to go.
Whoa, whoa. (CHUCKLES) A little wobbly.
Guess my legs fell asleep.
(YELLS)
Aah!
Stewie, Daddy can't feel
his legs. Go get help!
I'm hanging from a door, you idiot!
(YELLS)
(GRUNTS)
By the way, you're down
to five percent battery.
Oh, damn it, my head.
Well, no wonder... you're
running all the apps at once.
(GROANS)
MAN: Sir? Sir, can you hear me?
There he is.
Welcome back, buddy.
- Who are you?
- I'm a paramedic.
Name's Stryker Foxx.
(BELL CHIMES)
Oh, Lois just texted.
"Burgers or meatballs for dinner?"
I'll text back for you.
"Same thing, bitch.
Just different shapes."
(IPAD CHIMING RAPIDLY)
(CHUCKLES): Oh, this is gonna be fun.
Oh, battery died.
Sir, you've sustained a head injury.
How many chicken fingers am I
holding up, and do you want one?
Three, and hell yeah!
Mmm. Aw. These are amazing!
Did I die and go to heaven?
Well, you didn't die,
'cause I saved you.
And you're not in heaven 'cause
you're not holding a margarita.
Oh, wait a minute, yes, you are.
You brought a lot of
food in the bathroom.
I always do.
Oh, my God.
Are you the coolest guy ever?
Ah, that's just a silly
title they gave me
down at the Karate
Paintball Dirt Bike Club.
Awesome!
Okay, well, bandaged you up.
You should be good to go.
But just be more careful next time.
I know. What a stupid injury, huh?
I haven't been this embarrassed
since I was a rookie firefighter.
(ALARM RINGING)
PETER: Sorry, first day. Still learning.
Hey, Stryker, wait!
Hey, listen, I just wanted
to say thanks again
for patching me up.
No problem, buddy.
Hey, that's an interesting
necklace you got there.
Oh, this? It's from when I was a kid.
It's half of a "best friend" coin.
I always had this crazy dream
that one day I'd run into the
guy with the other half.
Oh, my God. Cody?
Oh, that must be the name of the
dead surfer I found this on.
TV ANNOUNCER: We now
return to the Olympics.
Ugh, it's so annoying.
They always use football announcers
for events they know nothing about.
ANNOUNCER: The players are ready
to take the swimming field.
(ALARM BUZZES)
And they're swimming!
They appear to be doing
the forward stroke.
My neighbor has a pool.
I'll take a dip if I know
they're on vacation.
It's neck-and-neck, and
it looks like Canada won!
Uh, no, they're going
back the other way.
What do you think? How do I look?
Like a gas station energy drink.
But you put that on to go to the Clam?
Aren't the guys gonna think
you're a little overdressed?
Oh, I'm not hanging out with the guys.
I met someone new.
His name's Stryker and he's really cool.
Like, he's one of those
guys whose forearm hair
makes his watch look even cooler.
(PHONE RINGING)
(GASPS) It's Stryker!
I want him to think I was
listening to a cool song.
♪ Pump up the jam... ♪
Yeah, who dis?
Oh, hey, man.
Oh, nothing much. Just getting slurped.
- Ew.
- Oh, you're almost here?
Okay, just, uh, just give me a second
so I can put away all my guitars.
Okay, Seacrest out. Bye.
(MUSIC STOPS)
What the hell was that?
Lay off. Nothing.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Hey, Peter.
Hey, man.
Hola, cha-cha, hi-hi.
- Peter!
- I don't know. It's-it's this house.
I-I got to get out of this house.
Boy, Dad sure seems excited.
I know. I haven't seen him this giddy
since he discovered that
single-loop roller coaster.
(GIGGLES)
Ah...
(GIGGLES)
Ah...
(GIGGLES)
Ah...
Uh, don't feel so good.
(RETCHES) Ew!
Ah...
(RETCHES) Ew!
Ah...
(RETCHES) Ew!
♪ ♪
Wow, what a cool loft.
I bet it cost a ton to make
this place look unfinished.
Hey, come over here.
There's someone I want
to introduce you to,
1997 George Clooney.
Wow! That's the coolest
George Clooney there is!
Hi, George Clooney, second worst Batman.
Peter Griffin, second best Homer.
You may have heard, I'm also known
for my practical jokes on the set.
One time, I nailed Nora Dunn
in the head with an apple.
(LAUGHS): That-that's hilarious
'cause you're handsome.
Otherwise, you're just
some dick who hit a lady.
Aw, thanks for bringing
me here, Stryker.
I'm having the best time ever.
Even better than when
I lived in Santa Fe.
Have you ever seen a prettier sunset?
Never.
It's just so peaceful here.
It sure is.
Mm. Sure is.
Did you also have a very public
meltdown in another city?
- I did.
- Yeah. Yeah.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Ugh, it's the guys.
What do those losers want?
Losers? Those are your friends.
Nah, they're lame.
Not one of them has ever
vaped at a funeral.
Hey, Peter. Hey, what
are you doing tonight?
We're gonna watch Cleveland
put a garbage can full
of coins in a Coinstar.
Sometimes it takes my buttons.
Eh, thanks, guys, but I-I can't make it.
I'm, um, I'm getting re-circumcised.
Got a wedding next week.
I just want to clean it up a bit.
Oh, well, that's too bad.
Yeah, maybe next time.
That sounds horrible.
Peter, why did you just lie to the guys?
'Cause I got plans with Stryker.
I don't want them to embarrass me.
Eh, I get where he's coming from.
That's why I never introduce
you to my friends.
What friends?
Like the guys in my photography club.
"Dear Gary Glitter, Jeffrey Jones
and Jared from Subway,
I feel like I'm the
only one sending pics.
I love all the positive feedback,
but maybe you guys send a pic?
Anyway, here's more pics."
♪ ♪
Hey, you ever try that? Wingsuiting?
I mean, basically, yeah.
One time, I jumped off a top bunk
with a towel around my neck like a cape.
It was inside the IKEA.
I landed on a cardboard computer.
We should totally do that sometime.
Nah, I can't go back there.
They got my picture by the door.
Hey, he is in here.
What the hell are you guys doing here?
We were coming back from the Coinstar
and saw your car out front.
Rough night. Turns out
the can was all buttons.
We're not gonna make our mortgage.
What are you doing here?
I thought you were too
busy to go out tonight.
Peter, who are your friends?
Oh, um... Stryker, this is
Quagmire, Joe and Cleveland.
How do you two know each other?
Did you meet at the Harry Potter store?
Peter loves that place.
It was one wand and I was
using a gift certificate.
No, we actually met when I was
administering first aid to him.
- I'm a paramedic.
- For real?
Hey, can I show you seven
or eight things on my body
and ask for medical diagnosises?
This thing here that looks
like a second elbow,
I don't know what it is.
Feels like it's filled with liquid.
Well, I could take a look at it.
No, no, no, guys, guys,
it's his night off.
I have two pee holes.
Stop it! Stop it. Guys,
can I talk to you?
Look, this, this right here
is exactly why I've been avoiding you.
I knew you'd embarrass
me in front of Stryker.
Who cares? He's just some dude.
He's not "just some dude."
He happens to be the
first really cool friend
I've ever had.
What are you talking about? We're cool.
You are absolutely not cool.
Oh, yeah?
Well, then why did those
teenagers on the way in say,
"Cool wheelchair, dick"?
Hey, look, Peter, if you're
so embarrassed by us
and you think we're losers,
well, then we don't want to
hang out with you, either.
Good. Who needs you bums? I got Stryker.
Oh, yeah?
Well, I hope you two are
happy together, you jerk.
BOY: Cool wheelchair, dick.
JOE: Thanks. Did you see the
backpack hanging off it?
Wow, you know,
I never thought I could be
talked into wingsuiting.
You're gonna love it.
It's just a short hike
from here to the summit.
A hike? It's no problem.
Shouldn't affect my old football injury.
I spilled hot chili on my nuts.
You're a riot, Peter.
Hey, you sure you're up for this?
Oh, hell yeah. When I commit to
something, I go all the way,
like when I had Kathleen Turner's voice.
(KATHLEEN TURNER'S VOICE):
Good morning, guys.
Peter, what's wrong with your voice?
I got punched in the throat
at the Clam last night.
Now I sound exactly
like Kathleen Turner.
I'm just gonna get my stromboli.
Hey! Get away from my
stromboli, Kathleen Turner!
(SHOUTS)
_
_
Wow, that's, uh... that's some view.
I know, isn't it?
You see that rock formation over there?
We're gonna fly right
through the center of it.
It's called threading the needle.
Totally intense.
Uh-huh, uh-huh, yeah.
Or-or how about this?
Maybe you jump off this cliff
and I spin around over there
and sing Sound of Music.
Or-or we could just go home
and watch Sound of Music.
I can see you're a
little nervous, Peter,
but I'm telling you, it
is easier than you think.
Watch.
♪ ♪
Wow, look at him go.
You know, just when I thought
he couldn't get any cooler,
he goes... (BLEEP)
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh! What-what just... There's
almost nothing left of him!
And I just know I'm gonna be the one
to have to intify the body.
(CRYING): That's him. Poor guy.
He looks like a bowl of tomato soup.
Guy next to him died in a fire
He looks like a grilled cheese sandwich.
Oh, these two poor souls
are the best combination
for a rainy Saturday.
So, hey, guys.
What are we drinking? Beer?
Hey, Quagmire, how about one
of your famous sexual stories?
Take a hike, Peter.
Ah, oh, you-you mean
something Joe can't do?
(LAUGHS)
Friendly jokes indicating closeness.
We heard about Stryker dying.
Ah, craps.
Yeah, give it up.
We know the only reason you're here
is 'cause your cool friend is gone.
That's right. We're not
your floppy seconds, Peter.
It's actually "sloppy."
Well, for me, it's both.
But listen, you really
hurt our feelings.
You can't just treat us like
garbage and then expect us
to take you back like nothing happened.
Okay, that's-that's too bad
'cause that was kind of my plan.
Well, you can go to hell, Peter.
We're tired of you
taking us for granted.
Yeah, and this isn't even the first time
you ditched us for someone else.
Remember when you blew us off
to hang out with Jerry Seinfeld?
Julia Louis-Dreyfus has
a lot of Emmys now.
Yeah.
Why did your wife steal that cookbook?
Peter, I'm sorry about
your friend Stryker.
I know it's got to be hard
to watch a man explode
like a bug on a windshield.
No, it's not that...
I mean, I do see that every
time I close my eyes...
But it's the guys.
They're really mad at
me, and I'm-I'm afraid
they don't want to be
friends with me anymore.
Well, it's hard to blame them.
You treated them like you
don't even care about them.
I do care about them.
It's just, when I hung
around with Stryker,
people thought I was cool,
and it-it felt good.
No one ever thinks I'm cool.
Your friends thought you were
cool, until you dumped them.
Oh, wow, I guess you're right.
I treated them like crap.
I just got to find a way
to make it up to them.
You got any ideas?
Mom? Dad? Can Gary
Glitter, Jeffrey Jones
and Jared from Subway spend the night?
I don't know, Peter,
but it's got to be something
really meaningful,
because imagine how they feel.
After all, you were willing to
jump off a cliff for Stryker.
Well, they didn't say yes,
but they didn't say no.
You're right.
Thanks, Lois.
And now I know exactly
what I have to do.
Uh, where the hell are you going?
Lois told me to go jump off a cliff
to prove my friendship to the guys.
Are-are you, are you sure
that's what she said?
I-I don't know, Brian. Her
shirt was kind of open.
I was trying to get a peek down there.
Anyway, I got to go jump off a cliff.
Peter, wait. H-Hold on. This is crazy!
Damn it.
Where's Peter going?
Huh?
Oh, for God's sake.
Hey, Quagmire, Cleveland and Joe.
It's your buddy, Peter, and I'm
about to thread the needle
to prove to you guys how sorry I am
and that I'd do anything
to win you back.
And if something goes wrong
and I don't survive,
you can go ahead and delete
the Kennedy Center Honors from my DVR.
I'm-I'm never gonna watch that.
Okay, here goes nothing.
I just wish the sponsor on
msuit was a little cooler.
♪ ♪
CLEVELAND: Peter, stop!
Don't jump!
Brian told us you were gonna...
Why are you wearing a douche suit?
They also make wipes!
They're not known for their wipes.
Peter, you don't have
to jump off a cliff
to prove you're sorry.
Not all of us believe
that, but we took a vote
and I agreed I'd respect the majority.
Look, you really treated us badly,
but the fact that you'd be willing
to literally risk your life just
to show us how much you care,
well, that says a lot.
Listen, I'm so sorry.
If being cool means don't get
to hang out with you guys,
then I don't ever want to be cool.
What do you say? Can we just
go back to being friends?
- Of course.
- You bet.
Totes McGoats.
(LAUGHS) "Totes McGoats"?
Maybe you guys are cool. Fist bump.
Ah, crap! (SCREAMS)
- Oh, my God!
- Peter!
Should I shoot him, make it go quicker?
I got a shot.
Too late. You didn't
answer quick enough.
(SCREAMING)
PETER: Hey, I'm doing it.
This ain't so hard.
Guys, I'm gonna do it!
I'm gonna thread the needle!
QUAGMIRE: What? We can't hear you!
We're very far away!
Oh, my God, I did it!
I was actually able to thread the...
Oh, crap, Canadian goose.
Look out, eh?
(SCREAMING)
(BIRDS SQUAWKING)
Oh! Damn it! Ah! Son of a bitch!
(SCREAMING)
(GRUNTING)
(GROANS)
I think I'm okay.
Ah, nickels!
Well, it's good to be back, you guys.
A-And I'm sorry again I
dumped you for Stryker.
Who the hell is this Stryker
guy you keep talking about?
What do you mean?
He's that cool, handsome
guy I was friends with.
He's the whole reason I went
wingsuiting and hurt my head.
Wingsuiting?
Peter, you hurt your head
in a ladies' bathroom.
Yeah, your legs fell asleep and
you bashed it against a sink.
You were in a coma for two weeks.
You must've dreamed about
this Stryker or something.
No, we were buddies.
We rode on his motorcycle.
And he introduced me to
1997 George Clooney.
Okay, well, right there you
should've known it wasn't real.
Huh.
Well, whether it was real or not,
I want you to know you are the
best friends I've ever had.
Of course we know that, Peter.
Yeah, and we feel the same way.
Hey, this is a really weird question,
but do you boys want to go out dancing?
PETER: That night,
we danced until the sun came up.
We forgot all about my coma
and my crazy dream about a cool guy.
We were just four middle-aged men
doing Ecstasy at a Mexican prom.
I'm Peter Griffin, and
these are my stories.