Family Guy (1998–…): Season 16, Episode 1 - Emmy-Winning Episode - full transcript
Peter decides to make "Family Guy" more like Emmy-winning shows so it can finally win TV's highest award.
♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
♪ But where are those good
old-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
♪ All the things that make us ♪
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
ANNOUNCER: We now return
to Vedder Call Saul.
(TO THE TUNE OF "EVEN
FLOW"): ♪ Hey, Saul ♪
♪ Got into a little trouble
and I'm gonna need a lawyer ♪
♪ Hey-ey ♪
Okay, so tell me exactly what happened.
♪ I was driving ♪
♪ Had a bit to drink and then
I ran into a milk truck ♪
♪ Yeah-ah ♪
Were you on drugs?
♪ "E" and blow. ♪
Turn that off. I'm mad at TV.
Peter, what's wrong?
Family Guy has been around since 1999
and whenever it's time for the
Emmys, they don't give us one.
I'm sick of it!
Well, I'm not making another
episode with The Simpsons.
What did that get us?
I'll tell you what it got us.
More ink for The Simpsons.
Yeah. "Simpsons plays
down to competition."
"Simpsons step into the sewer."
"Shame on you, Simpsons."
Those lucky bastards.
Well, this week, we do classy comedy.
Emmy comedy.
I think that's a great idea.
It's about time we made
some quality television
like Modern Family,
Girls and Transparent.
That's the spirit.
Griffins, let's make this
our Emmy-winning episode.
So get all your pukes and farts out now.
- (FARTING)
- (RETCHING)
(LAUGHS)
I mean, I mean, I mean...
not funny.
♪ ♪
(SALSA MUSIC PLAYING)
Kids, it's me, tu madre, Lois Griffin.
Time for breakfast.
- (MUSIC STOPS)
- Oh, yeah.
Good morning, Lois,
which is who you are.
My wife, Lois. Hugging my wife.
(GRUNTS)
(DOORBELL CHIMES)
Package for Peter Griffin.
Thank you, unknown delivery woman.
Forget the freaking Emmy.
If you touch her ass, I will...
(GASPS) "Amazon."
Ay, my Uncle Alejandro
lives in the Amazon.
Do you think he has sent us
shoes made from banana leaves?
Boy, the, uh, the ethnic characters
on these Emmy-winning shows
aren't exactly rocket
scientists, are they?
I don't know what you
talkin' about, Liz Lemon.
No, this is something I ordered, for me.
I am a woman and always have been.
I've made plans to undergo surgery
so my wang don't get in the
way of the woman what I am.
Ay, dios mio.
Lois, I'll still be a
parent to our children.
But now I'll be a trans-parent.
Get it? Transparent?
Clever pun, right?
Please, honor me for my courage.
♪ ♪
I think gender-reassignment
surgery is very brave
and the fat man should win
some kind of award for it.
- The fat woman.
- He hasn't chopped it off yet.
That doesn't matter. Peter
already identifies as a woman.
And on karaoke night, I
identify as George Michael.
That doesn't mean it's true.
Brian's just mad because
he has to be the lady one.
Which makes you the one
who's gay in real life.
Daddies, I'm standing
here, delivering my line
with more emotion and less of a monotone
than the actual Lily on Modern Family.
I'm now confident enough
to share my truth
with the rest of my loved ones,
beginning with my son, Chris.
Bazinga, Father.
Assuming father is still the
appropriate designation.
What-what are you doing?
Waiting for the laugh to die down.
I'm here because I've decided
to become the woman I am inside.
Can you find it in your
heart to accept me?
Oh, Dad, science has moved so far past
binary gender construction.
And if being a woman makes you happy,
then in the words of Mr.
Spock, "It's only logical."
Wow, I couldn't follow any of that,
but look how smart your audience is.
Ha-ha.
Louis C.K.? Is that you?
Yup. I'm a big fan of yours, Peter.
Wow, that's great because if
Louis C.K. likes something,
- everyone has to.
- That's right.
Well, I'm glad my popularity
has cooled off just enough
that you were able to get me to do this.
Bye, Peter.
Boy, he's not afraid
to go there, I'm told.
♪ ♪
- Norm!
- Norm!
Ative gender roles have
been turned upside down.
Correct, Quagmire.
I'm going in for
gender-reassignment surgery.
What the hell, Peter?!
First my dad and now you?
Am-am I... is it... am I
doing this to people?
Is it... do you guys feel like
cutting off your penises?
No, but I can turn it inside out
like rolling up a dress sock.
You guys aren't supporting my choice?
Well, what do you expect, Peter?
I-I mean a sex change operation?
Why are you doing this?
I'll tell you why I'm doing all of this.
For me.
M-E. M-E.
I'm doing it for M-E.
(CRYING)
Ew. I mean, yay!
(CRYING)
Man or woman, I'm a big fat joke.
No one takes me seriously.
MEG: I do, Dad.
You've inspired me to nakedly
eat this cake in a weird place.
Thanks to you, I now believe in me.
Me.
M-E.
I believe in M-E.
(CHUCKLING): Okay, okay, all right.
Don't want one that bad.
Peter, I'd like to introduce the surgeon
who will perform your procedure today.
Dr. Wang Gon.
Wow, I can't believe all you
guys came out to support me.
You guys aren't just the
best friends I've ever had.
You're also the best comedy.
- Aw.
- Aw.
Great job, everyone.
If that don't get us the
Emmy, nothing will.
Where do you think you're going?
Doc, I'm not actually going
through with the operation.
I'm going home.
We're doing this whether
you like it or not.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
Doc, no. Stop him! Somebody help!
You want the Emmy, don't you?
PETER: And that is how
I became your mother.
So, the Emmy committee
watched our submission for Best Comedy?
Uh-huh.
All right, thank you.
They hated it so much, they
gave us a negative Emmy.
We now owe them an Emmy.
(ALL GROAN)
The Emmys aren't fair.
I mean, shows like Nurse
Jackie are basically dramas,
but they get comedy awards all the time.
(GASPS) That's it.
We'll sneak into the drama category.
That's how we'll win the Emmy
with dark, confusing plot twists
like on Homeland or Mad Men.
Ooh, or Breaking Bad.
Or Mr. Robot Chicken.
No, Chris, it's Mr. Robot.
- Chicken.
- Mr. Robot.
- Chicken!
- No, no, Chris, you see,
Mr. Robot is a critically
acclaimed show.
Robot Chicken is something
kids used to watch in 2006.
It's basically four minutes of nonsense
on at 1:00 in the morning
breaking up personal injury ads.
Chicken.
- (GUNSHOT)
- (CROWS CAWING)
(PANTING)
MAN: Please, don't.
Why... won't...
you... die?!
(CROWS CAWING)
_
Shh.
Shh, that's right.
I'm your dad.
Your gentle, suburban dad.
Oh, what a twist. Shh.
Hey, Dad.
Sure must be tough having a son
with goofy noodle legs like mine.
Chris, I love you
no matter how useless you
are in a paddleboat.
(CROWS CAWING)
Peter, those crows keep getting in.
This whole house is falling apart.
It's okay, my long-suffering,
quietly dissatisfied wife.
We'll get everything repaired.
How? We can't afford it.
We have to pay for Chris's doctor bills
and meds for our daughter in the CIA.
(FLAPPING LIPS)
Damn, she's good at her job.
How are we ever gonna
pay all these bills
that have been perfectly
ripped across the top
so the words "past due" are visible?
Oh, I just thank God
there's no devastating
turn of events going on
that I don't know about.
_
- You have cancer.
- How long do I have to live?
One week.
While I give the rest of your diagnosis,
I'm going to gradually talk quieter,
(QUIETLY): as if I'm growing distant
to show how overwhelmed
you are by this news.
(EARS RINGING)
(BEES BUZZING)
(SILLY CARTOON NOISES PLAYING)
("AH-OO-GAH" CAR HORN HONKING)
Yo, you five-o?
No, I'm 87.
But how flattering.
Now, get me drugs, scummy drug dealer.
You got it, mayor of our city.
Mm. I wonder which of us
is the bigger criminal.
Oh, that's easy. You are.
Hey, can you teach me to sell drugs?
Hold up. Are you wearing a The Wire?
No. I need money for sympathetic reasons
and I have no other option than crime.
I mean, I could sell stuff
on eBay, but... shipping.
Well, I am pulling a
heist at a meth lab.
I suppose I could use the help.
Great! You won't regret this.
When it comes to selling drugs,
you and me will be a better team
than the old lady's
eyeballs on Downton Abbey.
I'm looking way over in this direction.
And I'm looking way over here.
That way we can see all
the awards flying at us.
Here comes one now.
Best Cutaway.
("DOWNTON ABBEY: THE SUITE"
BY JOHN LUNN PLAYING)
(APPLAUSE)
Remember, kill anything that moves.
- Even a kid?
- Especially a kid.
You got to kill a kid at least
once a season to make people go,
"Oh, I can't believe they killed a kid."
Let's go.
(BOTH YELLING)
_
Wait, we did this already.
G-Go back.
Or-Or forward?
I'm-I'm lost.
_
♪ ♪
(GRUNTS)
(GUNFIRE CONTINUES)
(GUN CLICKS)
I'll get help!
(MUTTERING QUIETLY)
(PHONE VIBRATES)
(GASPS) Brian, call off
this drone strike,
Dad needs us.
Damn it, Meg, we're about to
take out the head of ISIS!
Hoo! Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo!
Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo!
Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo!
- Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo!
- Okay, you've made your point.
You're lucky you're so good at your job.
Wha...?
(MEN SCREAMING)
(SIZZLING)
That was badass how it went
from the guy burning up
to the barbecue, right? Best Director.
Hey, Peter, I was thinking
about this Emmy thing.
What's the most acclaimed
drama of all time?
- The Sopranos.
- Right.
And what's the most memorable moment
- in the history of that show?
- Well, I'd have to say...
♪ ♪
JOE: Nice briefcase full of cash.
Where'd you get the money for
a briefcase like that, Peter?
I want in.
I need the money to pay off my
mysterious boss, Mr. Robot.
CHRIS: Chicken!
Chris, get back in the house!
(IN SOUTHERN ACCENT): My whole plan,
fallin' apart like a... House of Cards.
You know, growing up in Gaffney,
my daddy always said,
"Turn the other cheek."
Kevin Spacey always said,
"I was just walkin' my dog
in that park at 3:00 a.m."
I don't trust either one of 'em.
I suppose it's time to
tell my wife the truth.
Like a man.
(SOBBING)
(GASPING): And then, I
sold all the drugs...
'cause the doctor said
I had the cancer...
and I killed the guys,
and Joe took all the mon... the money!
(CONTINUES SOBBING)
I see.
Are... are you leavin' me?
No, Peter.
I'm helping you kill that cop.
Because I'm darker than you and
the audience ever thought!
What a twist.
For five long years,
orange was my new black.
(SLOBBERING)
Peter, I don't care if it's drug money.
I have grown accustomed to Hulu Plus.
If you think I'm going back to
regular Hulu, you're crazy!
We don't even watch that much Hulu.
I still want it just in case!
Now take off all your clothes
so we don't get blood on 'em...
when we kill that cop in the desert.
Oh, the beginning all makes sense now.
_
_
_
(PANTING)
Why... won't... you... die?!
(CROWS CAWING)
♪ ♪
(BOTH SCREAM)
(ROARS)
♪ ♪
Whoa!
I did not see that coming.
One more. Let's watch one more.
Well, hold on.
Like all television viewers,
our first priority before deciding
to continue watching a show
should be whether or not it
features enough diversity.
I felt very well-represented.
Aw, I'm glad, honey.
Mmm.
Hey, thanks for letting
me come over, you guys.
(KNOCKS ON DOOR)
Telegram for Mr. Griffin.
Thank you, someone's nephew.
Would you mind reading it out loud
for maximum old-timey effect?
"To P. Griffin, from the
Emmy Board of Governors.
Dear Mr. Griffin, stop.
We understand you've been
attempting to win an Emmy, stop.
- Stop, stop."
- Is that all?
No, there's another from Fleetwood Mac.
"Don't stop, stop.
Thinking about tomorrow, stop."
And here's one from The Supremes.
"Stop, stop. In the name of love, stop."
- Are you finished?
- Are you asking me to stop, stop?
Peter, close the door.
Well, that's it.
We didn't get Best Drama either.
This is hopeless. We've
tried everything.
No, Lois, we haven't.
But that's just what we're
gonna do... Everything!
We're gonna try for every
single Emmy category.
Starting with Best Stunt Performance.
Aah!
Peter, I don't think that's a category.
Oh, okay.
Best Documentary.
Aah!
♪ ♪
(IN WISCONSIN ACCENT): Chris
is playing my dummy nephew.
Our family actually lines
up really well for this.
Best Competitive Reality Show!
♪ ♪
- Peter, you're out.
- I'm off the show?
No, your penis is out.
- You're in.
- I'm in?
No, urine is running down your leg.
Outstanding Casting for a Comedy Series!
PETER: Okay, so the deal is,
I get girls like you jobs.
The jobs pay $1,000 to $5,000 a day.
I'm recording this interview.
And then I send the
demo tape to producers,
and if they like you,
they're gonna hire you.
Have you done anything like this before?
Never. This is my first time.
All right, now, a lot of
these scenes are gonna be
you interacting with someone else,
so I'll just come around
and read with you.
Now, since I'm holding the camera,
I'm gonna need some help
with my belt buckle.
And there you have it,
Family Guy reaches a new low
as it grovels and begs
for a meaningless award.
I would say they've got about as
much chance of winning an Emmy
as the Republican Party has
of accomplishing something.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND CLAPS)
MAN: Peter, over here.
♪ ♪
Bill Maher? What are you doing
not smirking outside a church?
Uh, yeah, I was just doing that.
Uh, look, Peter, I'm
here for two reasons:
first, to find out who that
Asian girl was on the couch,
and second, to tell you that
Family Guy will never, ever win an Emmy.
Okay, first of all, that was Asa Akira.
I think you knew that.
Second, are you sayin' there's
a conspiracy against us?
(WHISPERS): Follow the Emmy.
♪ ♪
(LIGHTNING CRACKLES)
(THUNDER RUMBLES OUTSIDE)
It's back this way.
And who was that Asian
girl on the couch?
I think you knew who that was.
_
_
(TRILLING)
To convey this moment of shock
at the depth of the
conspiracy around me,
here's Ryan O'Neal in the
movie Tough Guys Don't Dance.
- (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS)
- Oh, man.
Oh, God. Oh, man.
Oh, God.
Oh, man.
Oh, God. Oh, man.
Oh, God. Oh, man. Oh, God!
(TIRES SQUEAK)
Peter, there you are.
I've been calling you all night.
Where the hell have you been?
No time to explain.
This Emmy thing goes deep.
The same people win year
after year after year.
It's like there's some
kind of secret society
that takes all the awards and
is keepin' us from getting one.
Yeah, I know. They're
all here to see you.
- Hello, Peter.
- (GASPS)
The Michelin Man?
You're part of this?
No, I'm two-time
Emmy-winner Alec Baldwin.
Peter, stop snooping around the Emmys.
Yeah, butt out. It's
none of your business.
Well, why not, Julie Bowen?
Huge fan, by the way. Just huge.
What are you hiding?
What's the big, secret reason
Family Guy can't win an Emmy?
All right, we'll tell you.
Your show sucks.
Peter, I'm famous writer Aaron Sorkin.
Walk and talk with me.
You wouldn't know my work because
I don't write for Juggs magazine.
Let me explain "writing" to you.
You can't take a scene
from Ferris Bueller,
cross out the name "Ferris,"
and replace it with "Peter."
And the racial stuff on your
show is just embarrassing.
You have people of color
voiced by white actors.
- No!
- Yes!
Hell, I'm Shonda Rhimes,
and I'm being voiced by a white actor.
And worst of all,
you take this big pile of garbage,
and you tie it all up by having
everyone sit around saying,
"At least everything's back to normal,"
as if something happened.
When nothing happened!
It was a complete waste
of everyone's time!
(SAD MUSIC PLAYS)
Well, I'm glad all this
Emmy nonsense is over
and things are back to normal.
Yeah, me, too.
You know, I may not get Emmys,
but I do get the best award
of all... My family.
And this e-mail from a young fan.
"Dear sir, your show helped me
when I was going through chemotherapy."
Aw.
"My favorite episode was when
Homer stays home from church..."
Ah, damn it, he thinks
we're The Simpsons.
Hey, what do you say, one last try?
Why not?
Ladies and gentlemen,
please enjoy this spectacular,
live-action chicken fight,
starring Ty Burrell.
Good night!
(WEAK CHIRPING)
Shh. Shh.
(WEAK CHIRPING)
I don't have any more room in my house.
♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
♪ But where are those good
old-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
♪ All the things that make us ♪
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
ANNOUNCER: We now return
to Vedder Call Saul.
(TO THE TUNE OF "EVEN
FLOW"): ♪ Hey, Saul ♪
♪ Got into a little trouble
and I'm gonna need a lawyer ♪
♪ Hey-ey ♪
Okay, so tell me exactly what happened.
♪ I was driving ♪
♪ Had a bit to drink and then
I ran into a milk truck ♪
♪ Yeah-ah ♪
Were you on drugs?
♪ "E" and blow. ♪
Turn that off. I'm mad at TV.
Peter, what's wrong?
Family Guy has been around since 1999
and whenever it's time for the
Emmys, they don't give us one.
I'm sick of it!
Well, I'm not making another
episode with The Simpsons.
What did that get us?
I'll tell you what it got us.
More ink for The Simpsons.
Yeah. "Simpsons plays
down to competition."
"Simpsons step into the sewer."
"Shame on you, Simpsons."
Those lucky bastards.
Well, this week, we do classy comedy.
Emmy comedy.
I think that's a great idea.
It's about time we made
some quality television
like Modern Family,
Girls and Transparent.
That's the spirit.
Griffins, let's make this
our Emmy-winning episode.
So get all your pukes and farts out now.
- (FARTING)
- (RETCHING)
(LAUGHS)
I mean, I mean, I mean...
not funny.
♪ ♪
(SALSA MUSIC PLAYING)
Kids, it's me, tu madre, Lois Griffin.
Time for breakfast.
- (MUSIC STOPS)
- Oh, yeah.
Good morning, Lois,
which is who you are.
My wife, Lois. Hugging my wife.
(GRUNTS)
(DOORBELL CHIMES)
Package for Peter Griffin.
Thank you, unknown delivery woman.
Forget the freaking Emmy.
If you touch her ass, I will...
(GASPS) "Amazon."
Ay, my Uncle Alejandro
lives in the Amazon.
Do you think he has sent us
shoes made from banana leaves?
Boy, the, uh, the ethnic characters
on these Emmy-winning shows
aren't exactly rocket
scientists, are they?
I don't know what you
talkin' about, Liz Lemon.
No, this is something I ordered, for me.
I am a woman and always have been.
I've made plans to undergo surgery
so my wang don't get in the
way of the woman what I am.
Ay, dios mio.
Lois, I'll still be a
parent to our children.
But now I'll be a trans-parent.
Get it? Transparent?
Clever pun, right?
Please, honor me for my courage.
♪ ♪
I think gender-reassignment
surgery is very brave
and the fat man should win
some kind of award for it.
- The fat woman.
- He hasn't chopped it off yet.
That doesn't matter. Peter
already identifies as a woman.
And on karaoke night, I
identify as George Michael.
That doesn't mean it's true.
Brian's just mad because
he has to be the lady one.
Which makes you the one
who's gay in real life.
Daddies, I'm standing
here, delivering my line
with more emotion and less of a monotone
than the actual Lily on Modern Family.
I'm now confident enough
to share my truth
with the rest of my loved ones,
beginning with my son, Chris.
Bazinga, Father.
Assuming father is still the
appropriate designation.
What-what are you doing?
Waiting for the laugh to die down.
I'm here because I've decided
to become the woman I am inside.
Can you find it in your
heart to accept me?
Oh, Dad, science has moved so far past
binary gender construction.
And if being a woman makes you happy,
then in the words of Mr.
Spock, "It's only logical."
Wow, I couldn't follow any of that,
but look how smart your audience is.
Ha-ha.
Louis C.K.? Is that you?
Yup. I'm a big fan of yours, Peter.
Wow, that's great because if
Louis C.K. likes something,
- everyone has to.
- That's right.
Well, I'm glad my popularity
has cooled off just enough
that you were able to get me to do this.
Bye, Peter.
Boy, he's not afraid
to go there, I'm told.
♪ ♪
- Norm!
- Norm!
Ative gender roles have
been turned upside down.
Correct, Quagmire.
I'm going in for
gender-reassignment surgery.
What the hell, Peter?!
First my dad and now you?
Am-am I... is it... am I
doing this to people?
Is it... do you guys feel like
cutting off your penises?
No, but I can turn it inside out
like rolling up a dress sock.
You guys aren't supporting my choice?
Well, what do you expect, Peter?
I-I mean a sex change operation?
Why are you doing this?
I'll tell you why I'm doing all of this.
For me.
M-E. M-E.
I'm doing it for M-E.
(CRYING)
Ew. I mean, yay!
(CRYING)
Man or woman, I'm a big fat joke.
No one takes me seriously.
MEG: I do, Dad.
You've inspired me to nakedly
eat this cake in a weird place.
Thanks to you, I now believe in me.
Me.
M-E.
I believe in M-E.
(CHUCKLING): Okay, okay, all right.
Don't want one that bad.
Peter, I'd like to introduce the surgeon
who will perform your procedure today.
Dr. Wang Gon.
Wow, I can't believe all you
guys came out to support me.
You guys aren't just the
best friends I've ever had.
You're also the best comedy.
- Aw.
- Aw.
Great job, everyone.
If that don't get us the
Emmy, nothing will.
Where do you think you're going?
Doc, I'm not actually going
through with the operation.
I'm going home.
We're doing this whether
you like it or not.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
Doc, no. Stop him! Somebody help!
You want the Emmy, don't you?
PETER: And that is how
I became your mother.
So, the Emmy committee
watched our submission for Best Comedy?
Uh-huh.
All right, thank you.
They hated it so much, they
gave us a negative Emmy.
We now owe them an Emmy.
(ALL GROAN)
The Emmys aren't fair.
I mean, shows like Nurse
Jackie are basically dramas,
but they get comedy awards all the time.
(GASPS) That's it.
We'll sneak into the drama category.
That's how we'll win the Emmy
with dark, confusing plot twists
like on Homeland or Mad Men.
Ooh, or Breaking Bad.
Or Mr. Robot Chicken.
No, Chris, it's Mr. Robot.
- Chicken.
- Mr. Robot.
- Chicken!
- No, no, Chris, you see,
Mr. Robot is a critically
acclaimed show.
Robot Chicken is something
kids used to watch in 2006.
It's basically four minutes of nonsense
on at 1:00 in the morning
breaking up personal injury ads.
Chicken.
- (GUNSHOT)
- (CROWS CAWING)
(PANTING)
MAN: Please, don't.
Why... won't...
you... die?!
(CROWS CAWING)
_
Shh.
Shh, that's right.
I'm your dad.
Your gentle, suburban dad.
Oh, what a twist. Shh.
Hey, Dad.
Sure must be tough having a son
with goofy noodle legs like mine.
Chris, I love you
no matter how useless you
are in a paddleboat.
(CROWS CAWING)
Peter, those crows keep getting in.
This whole house is falling apart.
It's okay, my long-suffering,
quietly dissatisfied wife.
We'll get everything repaired.
How? We can't afford it.
We have to pay for Chris's doctor bills
and meds for our daughter in the CIA.
(FLAPPING LIPS)
Damn, she's good at her job.
How are we ever gonna
pay all these bills
that have been perfectly
ripped across the top
so the words "past due" are visible?
Oh, I just thank God
there's no devastating
turn of events going on
that I don't know about.
_
- You have cancer.
- How long do I have to live?
One week.
While I give the rest of your diagnosis,
I'm going to gradually talk quieter,
(QUIETLY): as if I'm growing distant
to show how overwhelmed
you are by this news.
(EARS RINGING)
(BEES BUZZING)
(SILLY CARTOON NOISES PLAYING)
("AH-OO-GAH" CAR HORN HONKING)
Yo, you five-o?
No, I'm 87.
But how flattering.
Now, get me drugs, scummy drug dealer.
You got it, mayor of our city.
Mm. I wonder which of us
is the bigger criminal.
Oh, that's easy. You are.
Hey, can you teach me to sell drugs?
Hold up. Are you wearing a The Wire?
No. I need money for sympathetic reasons
and I have no other option than crime.
I mean, I could sell stuff
on eBay, but... shipping.
Well, I am pulling a
heist at a meth lab.
I suppose I could use the help.
Great! You won't regret this.
When it comes to selling drugs,
you and me will be a better team
than the old lady's
eyeballs on Downton Abbey.
I'm looking way over in this direction.
And I'm looking way over here.
That way we can see all
the awards flying at us.
Here comes one now.
Best Cutaway.
("DOWNTON ABBEY: THE SUITE"
BY JOHN LUNN PLAYING)
(APPLAUSE)
Remember, kill anything that moves.
- Even a kid?
- Especially a kid.
You got to kill a kid at least
once a season to make people go,
"Oh, I can't believe they killed a kid."
Let's go.
(BOTH YELLING)
_
Wait, we did this already.
G-Go back.
Or-Or forward?
I'm-I'm lost.
_
♪ ♪
(GRUNTS)
(GUNFIRE CONTINUES)
(GUN CLICKS)
I'll get help!
(MUTTERING QUIETLY)
(PHONE VIBRATES)
(GASPS) Brian, call off
this drone strike,
Dad needs us.
Damn it, Meg, we're about to
take out the head of ISIS!
Hoo! Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo!
Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo!
Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo!
- Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo!
- Okay, you've made your point.
You're lucky you're so good at your job.
Wha...?
(MEN SCREAMING)
(SIZZLING)
That was badass how it went
from the guy burning up
to the barbecue, right? Best Director.
Hey, Peter, I was thinking
about this Emmy thing.
What's the most acclaimed
drama of all time?
- The Sopranos.
- Right.
And what's the most memorable moment
- in the history of that show?
- Well, I'd have to say...
♪ ♪
JOE: Nice briefcase full of cash.
Where'd you get the money for
a briefcase like that, Peter?
I want in.
I need the money to pay off my
mysterious boss, Mr. Robot.
CHRIS: Chicken!
Chris, get back in the house!
(IN SOUTHERN ACCENT): My whole plan,
fallin' apart like a... House of Cards.
You know, growing up in Gaffney,
my daddy always said,
"Turn the other cheek."
Kevin Spacey always said,
"I was just walkin' my dog
in that park at 3:00 a.m."
I don't trust either one of 'em.
I suppose it's time to
tell my wife the truth.
Like a man.
(SOBBING)
(GASPING): And then, I
sold all the drugs...
'cause the doctor said
I had the cancer...
and I killed the guys,
and Joe took all the mon... the money!
(CONTINUES SOBBING)
I see.
Are... are you leavin' me?
No, Peter.
I'm helping you kill that cop.
Because I'm darker than you and
the audience ever thought!
What a twist.
For five long years,
orange was my new black.
(SLOBBERING)
Peter, I don't care if it's drug money.
I have grown accustomed to Hulu Plus.
If you think I'm going back to
regular Hulu, you're crazy!
We don't even watch that much Hulu.
I still want it just in case!
Now take off all your clothes
so we don't get blood on 'em...
when we kill that cop in the desert.
Oh, the beginning all makes sense now.
_
_
_
(PANTING)
Why... won't... you... die?!
(CROWS CAWING)
♪ ♪
(BOTH SCREAM)
(ROARS)
♪ ♪
Whoa!
I did not see that coming.
One more. Let's watch one more.
Well, hold on.
Like all television viewers,
our first priority before deciding
to continue watching a show
should be whether or not it
features enough diversity.
I felt very well-represented.
Aw, I'm glad, honey.
Mmm.
Hey, thanks for letting
me come over, you guys.
(KNOCKS ON DOOR)
Telegram for Mr. Griffin.
Thank you, someone's nephew.
Would you mind reading it out loud
for maximum old-timey effect?
"To P. Griffin, from the
Emmy Board of Governors.
Dear Mr. Griffin, stop.
We understand you've been
attempting to win an Emmy, stop.
- Stop, stop."
- Is that all?
No, there's another from Fleetwood Mac.
"Don't stop, stop.
Thinking about tomorrow, stop."
And here's one from The Supremes.
"Stop, stop. In the name of love, stop."
- Are you finished?
- Are you asking me to stop, stop?
Peter, close the door.
Well, that's it.
We didn't get Best Drama either.
This is hopeless. We've
tried everything.
No, Lois, we haven't.
But that's just what we're
gonna do... Everything!
We're gonna try for every
single Emmy category.
Starting with Best Stunt Performance.
Aah!
Peter, I don't think that's a category.
Oh, okay.
Best Documentary.
Aah!
♪ ♪
(IN WISCONSIN ACCENT): Chris
is playing my dummy nephew.
Our family actually lines
up really well for this.
Best Competitive Reality Show!
♪ ♪
- Peter, you're out.
- I'm off the show?
No, your penis is out.
- You're in.
- I'm in?
No, urine is running down your leg.
Outstanding Casting for a Comedy Series!
PETER: Okay, so the deal is,
I get girls like you jobs.
The jobs pay $1,000 to $5,000 a day.
I'm recording this interview.
And then I send the
demo tape to producers,
and if they like you,
they're gonna hire you.
Have you done anything like this before?
Never. This is my first time.
All right, now, a lot of
these scenes are gonna be
you interacting with someone else,
so I'll just come around
and read with you.
Now, since I'm holding the camera,
I'm gonna need some help
with my belt buckle.
And there you have it,
Family Guy reaches a new low
as it grovels and begs
for a meaningless award.
I would say they've got about as
much chance of winning an Emmy
as the Republican Party has
of accomplishing something.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND CLAPS)
MAN: Peter, over here.
♪ ♪
Bill Maher? What are you doing
not smirking outside a church?
Uh, yeah, I was just doing that.
Uh, look, Peter, I'm
here for two reasons:
first, to find out who that
Asian girl was on the couch,
and second, to tell you that
Family Guy will never, ever win an Emmy.
Okay, first of all, that was Asa Akira.
I think you knew that.
Second, are you sayin' there's
a conspiracy against us?
(WHISPERS): Follow the Emmy.
♪ ♪
(LIGHTNING CRACKLES)
(THUNDER RUMBLES OUTSIDE)
It's back this way.
And who was that Asian
girl on the couch?
I think you knew who that was.
_
_
(TRILLING)
To convey this moment of shock
at the depth of the
conspiracy around me,
here's Ryan O'Neal in the
movie Tough Guys Don't Dance.
- (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS)
- Oh, man.
Oh, God. Oh, man.
Oh, God.
Oh, man.
Oh, God. Oh, man.
Oh, God. Oh, man. Oh, God!
(TIRES SQUEAK)
Peter, there you are.
I've been calling you all night.
Where the hell have you been?
No time to explain.
This Emmy thing goes deep.
The same people win year
after year after year.
It's like there's some
kind of secret society
that takes all the awards and
is keepin' us from getting one.
Yeah, I know. They're
all here to see you.
- Hello, Peter.
- (GASPS)
The Michelin Man?
You're part of this?
No, I'm two-time
Emmy-winner Alec Baldwin.
Peter, stop snooping around the Emmys.
Yeah, butt out. It's
none of your business.
Well, why not, Julie Bowen?
Huge fan, by the way. Just huge.
What are you hiding?
What's the big, secret reason
Family Guy can't win an Emmy?
All right, we'll tell you.
Your show sucks.
Peter, I'm famous writer Aaron Sorkin.
Walk and talk with me.
You wouldn't know my work because
I don't write for Juggs magazine.
Let me explain "writing" to you.
You can't take a scene
from Ferris Bueller,
cross out the name "Ferris,"
and replace it with "Peter."
And the racial stuff on your
show is just embarrassing.
You have people of color
voiced by white actors.
- No!
- Yes!
Hell, I'm Shonda Rhimes,
and I'm being voiced by a white actor.
And worst of all,
you take this big pile of garbage,
and you tie it all up by having
everyone sit around saying,
"At least everything's back to normal,"
as if something happened.
When nothing happened!
It was a complete waste
of everyone's time!
(SAD MUSIC PLAYS)
Well, I'm glad all this
Emmy nonsense is over
and things are back to normal.
Yeah, me, too.
You know, I may not get Emmys,
but I do get the best award
of all... My family.
And this e-mail from a young fan.
"Dear sir, your show helped me
when I was going through chemotherapy."
Aw.
"My favorite episode was when
Homer stays home from church..."
Ah, damn it, he thinks
we're The Simpsons.
Hey, what do you say, one last try?
Why not?
Ladies and gentlemen,
please enjoy this spectacular,
live-action chicken fight,
starring Ty Burrell.
Good night!
(WEAK CHIRPING)
Shh. Shh.
(WEAK CHIRPING)
I don't have any more room in my house.