Family Guy (1998–…): Season 16, Episode 17 - Switch the Flip - full transcript

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

Hey, guys, look what I got.

It's a magic genie speaker
that plays music, talks



and knows stuff, all without wires.

But there's a wire.

No more from you, please.

All right, let me squinch my face up

and put on a pair of glasses
I never wear

to look at these directions.

Boy, if they were giving out
medals for tiny writing...

Huh? Huh?

Okay.

Now, to activate the speaker,
you say its name.

Brandee.

And now, you just talk at it.

Brandee, what's going on in the news?

Breaking news from The Huffington Post:



"Prince bred purple dolphins."

Wasn't there a senator shot
this morning?

You see? Right there, this
device is a perfect example

of how we continue to become more inept

due to our dependency upon machines.

There was a time, not too long ago,

when people would talk to each other.

Yeah, the bad times, The Sucky Ages.

Our society is doomed.

People and technology are a bad match.

Just like moms and Radiohead.

Oh, no. No, no.

This isn't music.

No, I don't like this, David.

No. That's enough.

No, David, I don't like that.

No.

Sharon. Hey, it's Brian Griffin.

Wondering if you were free
for dinner on Saturday.

You died? Oh.

So you're dead right now?

What's that like?

God, why am I such a loser?

Possible reasons for being a loser:

bad breath, arrogance, unemployment...

Okay, okay.

This is not helping my hangover.

The Hangover Part III available
for instant download.

I never saw it. Is it good?

Searching reviews.

Top critic on Rotten Tomatoes says,

"I walked out of the theater,
and I'm Ed Helms."

Okay, no download, but thanks.

Maybe you are useful.

But I bet you can't answer
this question:

Brandee, what is love?

John Lennon said, "Love is the answer."

He also said,
"No, thanks, every hot woman,

"I'll take this woman crawling
out of the well

from The Ring
who none of my friends like."

Yeah, I bet they were
all like, "Oh, no."

- Downloading Yoko Ono.
- Oh, no.

Downloading more Yoko Ono.

No, no. No Ono.

Downloading all Yoko Ono.

Oh, no.

I don't care
for this music either, David.

Boy, you know,
I haven't stayed up all night

talking like that in forever.

And thanks for suggesting
I buy that Fitbit.

Customers who bought Fitbit also bought

"enormous exercise ball
that's always in the way."

Why not? Just put it on my card.

Oh, good, there she is.

Brandee, this is very important:

what's the biggest poo
anyone has ever pooed?

Come on, Peter.

History's largest bowel movement
occurred in 1998,

at a Hardee's in Memphis,
by Aretha Franklin.

Damn, I owe Chris five bucks.

Chris, you were right, it was '98!

This new hat looks pretty sharp.

I bet it does.

is having another sale?

Sure. I'll get that pre-frayed visor.

I, um, I like you, Brandee.

I like you, too.

That's weird.

You're on a weird date.

Peter, what are you doing here?

Pulling the popcorn bucket trick
on myself.

I still can't find it.

This is humbling.

Whoa.

Welcome to Hodgepodge Lodge.

What the hell is all this crap?

Oh, just stuff Bran suggested I buy.

Ooh.

That might be the Every
Shark Tank Item Ever Package.

- Brian Griffin?
- Yes?

I'm from The Apache Collection Agency.

You're way over your credit card limit.

Whoa, h-hold on, hold on!

I didn't buy that, Peter bought that.

I know, but I need one.

Brian, before I go,

there's something I want to tell you.

What? What is it?

The Grand Canyon spans 277 miles.

I'm gonna miss you, too, Brandee.

Stewie, you know what?

It's hard being a dog.

Maybe if you stopped feeling
sorry for yourself,

you could actually do something
positive with your life.

Ah, forget it.

I'm just gonna lie down on the couch

with my head on the armrest
to accentuate how sad I am.

You know, Brian, if I had... aw...

one day in your body,
I would give it back to you

with a new and improved life.

You know what my response is to that?

A through-the-nose dog exhale.

I realize I've wasted most of
my life being a pathetic jerk.

You know, like you were at Disneyland.

Hey, kid, can you duck down
for this picture?

What? Why?

It's our family photo.

You're kind of getting in the way.

I'm not ducking down, you duck down.

You're getting in my way.

Stop being a brat and duck down.

No way.

In fact, I'm standing.

Whoa, what's this?

Brian, I present to you

my Particle Interchange Transporter.

Wait, wait, wait. So when you
said "spend a day in my body,"

you were being literal?

That's right, Brian.

This device will allow me
to inhabit your body,

and you, mine.

That way, I can fix your life,

and then, return your body to you.

Now, the instructions
gave me a couple of options.

I chose the one where my voice
will be coming from your body,

and vice-versa.

Still, from time to time,

we will have to imitate
the other person's voice

to fool those
who don't know what we've done,

which is everyone.

Stewie, this is ridiculous.

Trust me. What do you have to lose?

Literally nothing.

Fine. But just for the record,
every device you've ever made

has broken at some crucial juncture.

This one won't.

All right, you talked me into it.

Okay, here we go.

I'll see you on the other side...

of your eyes.

Whoa.

My hand.

I mean, your hand.

It's mine.

Yes!

Stewie, I think it worked.

We did it. We switched bodies.

Wow, this is really weird.

It feels like... hey.

What the hell have you been
complaining about?

I can't believe we actually
switched bodies, Stewie.

And God, your head.

It's so heavy.

Yeah, you got to have a wide base.

Let the shoulders do more.

All right, all right, I think,
I think I'm getting it.

Okay, I'm off to get you a job,

a girlfriend,
and onto the road less scummy.

So how exactly are you planning
to get me a job here?

It's very easy.

My research shows
that every seven minutes,

a professor is fired for having
sex with one of his students.

I simply wait until... oh, here we go.

Are there any unemployed
professors here?

Who haven't had sex with a student

or tweeted about
assassinating the president?

All right, it's you.

Welcome to Poetry 101.

I'm Professor Griffin.

Please open your books
to the introduction,

which defines what poetry is.

Now rip it out.

Do we include the foreword?

Yes, I suppose.

What about the preface?

Yes, the preface, too.

So, not the acknowledgements?

What about the frontispiece?

- That's not even a thing.
- Yes, it is.

It's the illustration
facing the title page.

Just rip everything out
that's not poetry.

You wrote on the
board, "Everything is poetry."

Ignore that!

He didn't know what a frontispiece was!

Professor Griffin sucks!

Frontispiece.

What's wrong, honey?

Well, it's a long story,
but I was really hoping

to come home with a job
and a girlfriend today.

I could be your girlfriend,
and give you a job.

Really?

This day's starting to look up.

Follow me into the men's room.

Is this... is this dating?

Is this how dating works?

You're cute.

I like you.

Help! She's trying to eat me!

Get back here!

You owe me a hundred dollars!

Anton, we got a runner!

You better pay my wife, bitch.

Go go, Brian dog legs!

Hey, how'd it go fixing my life?

Oh, not great.

There's nothing I can do with this body.

Also, I know this
is a big inconvenience,

but you and the trash guy
now wave to each other.

Ah, really?

It's once a week, it's not that bad.

H-He really lit up.

Oh, and you're gonna hate this,
but I gave him the salute,

so you're a salute guy now.

Well, is he a veteran at least?

Does it matter?

You're saluting the trash guy now.

All right, let's switch back.

Just a few more seconds,
and we'll be back to normal.

- Hey, Chris.
- Hey, four eyes.

What did you call me?

Oh, you're deaf, too?

Wh-What happened?

Stewie? Is that you?

Yes, Brian, it's...
God, that is a tight belt.

How does he live like this?

Oh. There we go.

If I'm in Chris's body,
he must be in mine.

He's got to be freaking out.

What the hell have you
been complaining about?

Oh, my God, Peter!

Peter? You in there?

I feel really weird.

What the hell's going on?
What happened to my body?

He's panicking. We can't let him
know what's going on.

Don't worry, I got an idea.

Peter, everything's fine.
Just look in the mirror.

Well, here you go, about to put
you in front of the mirror.

Right... now.

Oh, phew, there I am.

Hi, me!

Okay, everything seems normal.

Now to do my traditional "Mirror Dance."

♪ There's a place in France ♪

♪ Where I do my mirror dance ♪

♪ There's a hole in the wall
where the men can see it all ♪

♪ But the women don't care ♪

♪ 'Cause they're dancin'
in their underwear. ♪

And their bras.

Okay, that's great, Peter.
Time for your nap.

But I'm not tired!
I want to go to the Clam and...

Thank God.

All right, just switch us all back.

Oh, my God, the machine's been damaged.

It's broken.

Swapping four bodies
must've overloaded its system.

If I can't fix it,
we'll be like this forever.

This is a total disaster,

like when the fat man
tried to keep Michael Shannon

from going insane.

Meadows. Snowflakes.

Breeze through a cornfield.

A soaring bird. Rain on a metal roof.

Hey, Peter, I'm gonna need you
to fill out your time card.

Yeah, sure, I'll have it
by the end of the day.

It's okay.

We'll hire new people
and start again tomorrow.

We now return to a human hand

rolling a ball of clay.

- Yay!
- Yay!

Stewie, enough of that.
We have to fix the machine.

Oh, God, the fat man's friends.

What's the black one's name?

Cleveland.

Cleveland, right. Cleveland!

Peter, you name-remembering
son of a gun.

Come on, we're heading down to the Clam.

Oh, uh, wish I could, Glenn.
Sure could go for a pomtini.

But, unfortunately,
I've got to help my son Chris

with his homework.

Well, if you finish early...

They've all switched bodies. Let's go.

That was close.

All right, let's get upstairs and fix...

Peter, come in
the kitchen, I need your help.

What? Huh? I'm watching something.

Oh, God, keep him busy.
I'll make this quick.

Hey, I realized I can reach
the animal crackers,

so I'm actually gonna be a while.

Here, load these in the car.

Are you going away for a long time?

Oh, darn it. Darn.

Please tell me you didn't forget.

This is the weekend we're going
to Dr. Johann's retreat.

Oh, uh, of course. Uh, remind me
what that is again.

It's the couples' sex seminar

where the husband learns
how to give his wife an orgasm.

Wait, are you saying...

we have to have sex this weekend?

Yup. All weekend long.

Now that's what I call a curveball.

Commercial!

Peter? Everything okay?

You hardly spoke the whole car ride.

Uh, I-I was simply thunderstruck

at the prospect
of intercoursing you. Darling.

Brian, you've got to help me.

Lois signed us up for some
perverse, pee-pee-related class

on the female orgasm. She's crazed.

Wow.

You've got to get here with
the machine so I can fix it.

Right. So I can take your place
in Peter's body.

No! Bring everybody.

We've got to get things back to normal.

And hurry, she's all revved up.

45 minutes to Weekapaug.
If we hurry, we can get there

before Stewie's scarred for life.

Brian, it's only 10:30 a.m.

Why does my body crave alcohol?

That's perfectly normal
for this time of day.

I'm sweating and shaking
and planning out lies.

Yeah, well, why do I have
the overwhelming urge

to eat Cheetos
and masturbate in the woods?

Well, because it's 10:30 a.m.

I like us learning about each other.

Okay, everyone, please put
your bananas and donuts

back on the table,
we're done with that exercise.

Next, we'll focus
on the female genitalia.

Oh, good Lord!

I mean, va-va-voom! Right, other men?

I'm confused as hell,

but I'm enjoying these graham crackers,

so I'm not gonna say anything.

What the hell was that?

I think that was on purpose.

Oh, you think I forgot about you?

You owe my wife 100 bucks
for a lavatory misunderstanding.

Hey, sugar.

I've never seen you before in my life.

Yeah, what are you even
talking... oh, Stewie.

- Aah!
- Aah!

Brian, we got to get out of here.

All right, let's have
an inconsistently smashed

windshield chase.

Joe, thank God. We need to get
to the Weekapaug Inn, fast.

Can you drive us?

No, no.

Oh, God, Joe's swapped bodies
with Consuela.

That must mean...

- Everyone's swapped bodies!
- The whole town swapped bodies!

Damn it, I was gonna say
"the whole town."

I'm standing here for some reason

doing the weather
in a giant black man's body.

What kind of a Friday is this?

Freaky!

Back to you, Tom.

This just in,

all kids report to the blue van
in the park at 3:00 p.m.

for free Popsicles.

What the hell? Am I doing a Madea?

Oh, Lord, this time
I'm gonna need a chainsaw.

Don't do it.
Don't do what I was gonna do.

No! No!

You've perverted something beautiful!

Oh, no!

Oh, yeah!

Ho-ho! Is funny 'cause different voices

are coming out of different mouths.

Ha-ha!

Wow, what a seminar.

That Dr. Johann sure knows his stuff.

Get over here.

Ugh! Gross!

I-I mean, uh...

Freakin' sweet, Lois.

Uh, one moment while I Desitin
my junk in the bathroom.

- Stewie?
- Brian, where the hell are you?

Lois just asked me if I want to
see her kid's first apartment.

What does that mean, Brian?

I'm so frightened and confused.

We've got much bigger problems.

We hit a telephone pole,
the machine activated,

and it swapped everybody in town.

Good God. We've got to fix this.

Peter, I'm gonna
open the door with no hands.

Listen to me, Brian,
we've got to act quickly.

I'll walk you through the repairs.

First, open the back panel.

Okay, it's open.

All right, now you got to
reverse the voltage orientation

and amplify the electron flow
to the motherboard.

Stewie, just say it in English
or so help me God,

I will hang up
and make you screw your mom.

Switch the black and yellow wires!

Stewie, I see the wires,
but Chris's pudgy fingers

won't fit inside the panel.

Crap. I do this all the time.

Where's me?

Hey, who installed this car seat?

It's not even attached.

One moment, dearest!

Okay, just use his tiny hands

to switch the black and yellow wires.

- Okay, got it.
- I helped.

Great. Now we need to find

an energy source powerful enough
to match the electrical surge

that swapped the town
in the first place.

According to my GPS, you're 20 feet

from the base of
the Quahog cell phone tower.

Okay, I think I found it.

Now I need you to strap
the body swapper on your back

and climb to the top of the tower.

There's no time to waste.

Muncha buncha Fritos!

No!

Brian, hurry!

Stewie, I'm in Chris's body.

I'm dragging 230 pounds
of lard up a ladder.

I'm 215, you liberal dickweed!

Okay, I'm at the top. What now?

Now you have to get struck by lightning.

Well, how do I do that?

You're an atheist, offend God.

Say something you couldn't say on TV.

All right.

Hey, God. (BLEEP)

Not me.

You can't say that.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, God. No. No!

You didn't listen to a word
Dr. Johann said, did you?

No, I did not.

I mean... The movie Road House.