Family Guy (1998–…): Season 16, Episode 16 - 'Family Guy' Through the Years - full transcript
The show looks back at the cultural events and issues that were tackled in the '50s, '60s and '70s.
♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪
♪ All the things that make us ♪
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
Hi, I'm Peter Griffin,
and I'm here at
The Museum of Television & Radio
to commemorate Family Guy
becoming the longest-running
show in television history.
For 60 years, Sunday has meant
God, football and Family Guy.
And later, to a lesser degree,
The Simpsons.
Premiering in 1952 as a recurring sketch
in the popular Dow Chemical Follies,
Family Guy has survived
19 cancellations,
two assassination attempts,
and a pretty good ribbing
by those South Park guys.
Well, tonight we take
a look back at classic episodes
from our first three decades.
Uhp, here come some tourists.
I know, I'll sit here
and pretend I'm a wax figure.
Who is that?
That's the fat idiot from
The Family Guy.
- Ugh. I hate that show.
- Me, too.
Raleigh Kids Cigarettes
is happy to bring you Family Guy,
the story of an American family
named the Griffins.
This is Peter,
breadwinner and head of household.
Lois is the name of his wife.
These are their children.
This is Chris, the firstborn son.
This is little Stewie.
Oh, boy, he's a handful.
Meg.
And introducing Doodles Weaver
as Brian the Dog.
We don't trust just any
cigarette for our children.
Raleigh Kids is the only
cigarette made for tiny hands.
It's why it's the playground
favorite. Right, kids?
And now, Raleigh Kids,
also the makers of Kinder Coffee,
invites you to watch Family Guy.
Dad, I overheard the fellas talking.
Can I ask you a question about girls?
Of course, son. You're a young man now.
It's natural to be curious.
Thanks, Pop.
What's "knuckle-dunk"?
Uhp, atomic test.
Put on your glasses.
Never mind what your friends said.
If you want to have fun
with your girl, try dancing.
It's fun and good for your health.
Swell, that's helpful.
So, what's going on if a guy says
a girl "has a red scare
in her Harry Truman"?
Fence.
Oh, look, here comes the milkman.
So convenient.
Good evening, everyone.
I'm Tom Tucker,
and this is the Radio 5 news.
Our top story this evening,
songsmith Elvis Presley
will be appearing on The Ed
Sullivan Show this Sunday night
on that never-gonna-last fad
called television.
And now a word from our sponsor:
Fred Trump Apartments.
If you don't want to live
with blacks, Fred Trump.
Wow, Elvis Presley!
Can we get a television set?
Sorry, Chris, we don't got the money.
I spent our entire savings
building that stupid fallout
shelter we never get to use.
Why don't you just buy a TV
for the weekend,
watch Elvis,
and then return it on Monday
and say it doesn't work?
Boy, even in the '50s, you're a scumbag.
- That's a great idea, boy!
- Hang on.
Why don't I just get a job
to help pay for it?
What? No wife of mine is working.
There's underpants in this house
that need starching.
I don't want to go to work
in soft underpants
like some Nancy boy;
I want to go to work like this.
Stiff as a plate. That's underpants.
We got some time before Elvis.
Can we see what else is on?
Sure thing.
We now return to 1950s sci-fi,
which is always a man in a
silver suit battling a monster.
Leave us humans alone.
It's 1994,
and the moon belongs to Earth.
Rawr.
It's safe now.
How's the soil, Professor Knockers?
It's good.
Good. Good.
Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker,
previously of Radio 5 news.
Tonight, I bring you a special report.
Women in the workplace:
hilarious or disturbing?
I am a 1950s man
speaking in a stilted manner,
seemingly with
no self-awareness whatsoever.
I am shouting for some reason
and will now suddenly be
replaced by crude graphics.
This factory has been beset by women.
Is your factory next?
Lois, that's you! You took a job?
Sorry, Peter. I wanted to tell you,
but you were so dead set against it.
Damn right I'm against it!
If God wanted women in the workplace,
he'd have made them alcoholics.
Now, you're quitting that job tomorrow.
- No, I'm not.
- Quiet. Elvis is on.
Ladies and gentlemen, Elvis Presley.
- Huh?
- What?! Elvis Presley is white?
Cleveland, did you know about this?
Come on, Donna, let's pick up
some gizzards and fried skins
and head on down to the juke joint.
Tonight it's gonna be jumpin'!
And it was jumpin'. It really was.
But I was banished to the sidewalk
because I called one of
the band guys a bad name.
I thought you were bringing the TV back.
I changed my mind. This TV is awesome!
I've been watching it all day.
You can keep your job
so we can afford this thing.
- Oh, that's great news, Peter.
- You know, Lois, I had an idea.
Instead of eating
in another room and talking,
what if we bring the food
out here and never talk again?
- That's a great idea.
- Shh.
Are you looking for
the perfect breakfast meal?
Try Post Raisin Bran, made with raisins,
which are grapes
that have been dried in the sun
for a long period of time;
and bran, the hard outer layers
of cereal grain.
Along with germ, it is an
integral part of whole grains.
When you eat Raisin Bran,
it fills your stomach
and keeps you from feeling
the sensation of hunger.
"Hunger" being pangs in the belly
as a result of lack of nourishment,
thereby sending signals
to your brain telling you,
"Hey, I'm hungry."
And when you hear Mr. "Hey, I'm Hungry,"
be sure to have a hearty bowl
of Post Raisin Bran.
Again, made with raisins,
which are grapes
that have been dried in the sun
for a long period of time;
and bran, the hard outer layers
of cereal grain.
Along with germ, it is an
integral part of whole grains.
♪ Post Raisin Bran ♪
♪ Made with raisins, which are
grapes that have been dried ♪
♪ In the sun for a long period of time ♪
♪ And bran ♪
♪ The hard outer layers
of cereal grain ♪
♪ Along with germ ♪
♪ It is an integral part
of whole grains ♪
♪ Post Raisin Bran. ♪
Boy, these commercials go by fast.
You can barely absorb any of it.
I don't know how you do it, Peter.
Can we get some Raisin Bran?
Do we have any Raisin Bran in the house?
Just working day after day, I'm
exhausted, and I miss my family.
It's made with raisins, which are grapes
that have been dried in the sun
for a long period of time.
I gave my notice,
and tomorrow's my last day.
So I guess we have to get rid of the TV.
By the way, Chris and Raisin Bran
are at Raisin Bran practice.
- Peter, I got a surprise for you.
- Raisin Bran?
A television?
We can't afford this; you quit your job.
This is what we were making on the line.
The only reason I wanted to work
was to make this for you.
Oh, Lois, you're the greatest.
I guess this is why
women shouldn't work.
To the moon, Lois!
"To the moon"? Wh-What does that mean?
You know, "to-to the moon."
Okay, you're threatening
to punch me so hard
I'm gonna fly to the moon?
Like-like it's funny
to hit me so violently
my body will fly out of the atmosphere?
Well, it's not funny anymore.
♪ Hi, I'm Peter ♪
♪ This is Lois ♪
♪ My sons Stewie and Chris ♪
♪ Our dog Brian, and the rest is this ♪
♪ We live in Quahog, near the beach ♪
♪ A wizard gave my baby
the power of speech ♪
♪ No one can hear him,
but when he's away ♪
♪ People in town can hear what he says ♪
♪ This is Family Guy. ♪
The dog talks, too!
Good morning, family.
I'll have my regular breakfast
and the newspaper, please.
Okay, here's your highball,
a grapefruit,
and our one weird serrated spoon.
- And Raisin Bran?
- Yes.
But sorry, there's no newspaper.
Chris quit his paper route.
- What?
- Aw, jobs are for bozos.
Besides, I won't be around to work.
Me and my pals are going to
Woodstock to smoke dope.
No, you are not!
Chris Griffin, you are grounded.
Oh, I hate you!
Now I'll never get to see Sha Na Na!
Hello. I just moved in down the block.
My name's Herbert, not Roy Mitchell.
So, if you see news reports
about a Roy Mitchell
from three towns over who was
accused of all sorts of nonsense
and left in a hurry,
it's got nothing to do with me,
because, again, I'm...
Herbert.
Mom, Dad, Chris is gone!
He went to Woodstock.
Now, Meg, nobody likes a snitch.
I'm not a snitch,
I just tell it like it is.
Damn it, Meg!
Excuse me, Peter,
maybe I should handle this.
- Mr. Brady?
- You know, Meg,
when you tattle on someone,
you're not just telling on them,
you're telling on yourself.
And by tattling on someone,
you're really just telling them,
"I'm a tattletale."
Now, is that the tale you want to tell?
- I never thought of it that way.
- Thanks, Mr. Brady.
That's right. Mike Brady.
So, if you see any news reports
about an actor named Robert Reed
from three towns over who was
accused of all sorts of nonsense
and left in a hurry,
it's got nothing to do with me,
because, again, I'm...
Mike Brady.
Chris went to Woodstock?
I got to get there and bring him back
before something bad happens.
Honey, I'm taking the compact;
save a little on gas.
Cars are bigger back now.
Oh, no, my dad!
Chris!
He'll be here in ten minutes.
I got to hide!
- Chris!
- Dad, what are you doing here?
- I'm here to bring you home.
- Well, I'm not going.
I'm staying here and smoking dope.
What? No son of mine
is gonna be smoking dope.
Why not, Dad? Is it any worse
than your three martini lunch?
What?! No son of mine
is gonna be drinking
a three martini lunch.
Why not, Dad? Is it any worse
than your five Scotch breakfast?
What?! No son of mine
is gonna be drinking
a five Scotch breakfast.
Why not, Dad? Is it any worse than
your "three X's drawn on
the jug" corn whiskey moonshine?
What?! No son of mine
drink anything but rice wine.
That's right, we trace
our early family roots to Asia.
Listen, Chris,
your mother and I love you.
We just want you to stay a kid
a little bit longer.
- You understand?
- Um, y-yeah.
I'm glad. 'Cause the thing is, Chris,
drugs turn you into someone you're not.
But you know what?
We love you just how you are.
That's why I'm so grateful I got
here before you dropped acid
or took any kind of drugs that...
Y-You're trippin' right now, aren't you?
- A little.
- All right.
Hey, why is Pete Townshend
taking pictures of you?
He's been doing that all day long.
It's for a book.
I don't think it's for a book.
Okay, I'm off to do my paper route.
Wow, Peter, your plan worked
to show Chris how horrible drugs are.
Quiet, Lois, I'm trying to watch TV.
That's one small step...
Ladies and gentlemen, the Beatles.
The flash now official,
President Kennedy has been killed.
God, there's nothing on.
♪ Just sit right back
and you'll hear a tale ♪
- There we go.
- ♪ A tale of a fateful trip... ♪
Lois, why is my son playing
with a vacuum like a girl?
Here, play with this discus and javelin.
Then you can grow up like a man,
like track and field star Bruce Jenner,
the greatest man in the world.
Maybe you'll even end up
on a box of Wheaties.
Didn't these used to have nuts in 'em?
Chris, I see in the paper
that Vietnam is still going on,
and as a blue collar TV dad,
I demand you enlist.
Peter, you can't send Chris to Vietnam.
They're bombing women and children.
You have no idea
how bad it is over there.
I don't? Oh, I know war, my friend.
I stormed the beaches at Normandy.
Of course, it was 1958,
so the resistance wasn't quite as stiff.
No running.
I said no running!
I'm not running!
Chris, you are going to Vietnam
and doing your duty,
like Quagmire did.
As a matter of fact, his tour just ended
and his transport
should be getting in soon.
So let's head down to the airfield
and give our soldiers
the respect they deserve.
Welcome home, Quagmire!
Oh, good to see you back safely, Glenn.
- Murderer!
- Hey, show some respect.
Sorry.
Oh, I left my carry-on
back on the plane.
All right, when he comes back,
we got to make him feel welcome again.
Boy, the Clam sure looks different.
Yeah, just be careful with
your collars on the way in.
They're kind of sharp.
Yeah, we'll have a round
of beers for the table.
Uhp, we got her, too.
It's good to have you back from
the war in one piece, Quagmire.
Yeah, some of us weren't so lucky.
What are you talking about?
You never went to Vietnam.
Hell I didn't!
I went to the draft board
and told them I was gay,
and then got hit by a bus
on the walk home.
So, Quagmire, Chris is
shipping out tomorrow morning,
and he's pretty nervous.
I know you enjoy staring, like,
3,000 feet out into dead space,
but you got any good stories
I could tell him
about how cool 'Nam is?
You know, there's lots of things
you expect in war...
Carnage, the sleepless nights...
But what they don't prepare you for
is the incessant use of "Fortunate Son."
I'd hear that song
any time I was in a helicopter.
Or taking a swift boat
deep into the jungle,
that song again.
My penis would even play "Fortunate Son"
while I was visiting a whorehouse.
♪ It ain't me, it ain't me ♪
♪ I ain't no millionaire's son, no... ♪
Oh, Lord, that's horrible!
There must have been
some other song you heard.
Yeah, there was.
That "There's something
happening here" song.
Hey, I just realized,
your clothes kind of
look like the jungle.
Shut up, Joe! You weren't there!
You don't know!
I'll kill you! I'll kill you!
You didn't hear the songs I heard!
Oh, my God,
Chris ships out in the morning!
I got to get him out to there.
I thought this war would be fun,
you know, just go over there
and fight the Donkey Kong.
We were trying to fight the war our way,
the way we'd always fought wars,
but we were gradually climbing
steel beams and ladders,
and the Donkey Kong knew that.
It was barrel after barrel.
We lost a lot of good men.
And so many quarters.
Now, listen up! When you hear your name,
I want you to sound off smartly
and move out.
- Capo.
- Yes, sir.
- Sumner.
- Yes, sir.
Griffin.
Chris Griffin!
Yes, sir.
I didn't think this through.
Hey, where you going?!
What's the matter with you?!
I said put your duffel bag right there!
♪ Hey, guys, wait ♪
♪ I'm not supposed to be here ♪
♪ Stop, halt ♪
♪ My name's not Chris, it's Peter ♪
♪ He's late ♪
♪ He's probably at the theater ♪
♪ Watching a '70s movie ♪
♪ Maybe The French Connection ♪
♪ Or possibly Godfather II ♪
♪ The number, not "also" ♪
♪ Let my son die ♪
♪ Let my son die ♪
♪ My son, not me ♪
♪ Let his son die ♪
♪ Let his son die ♪
♪ His son, not him ♪
♪ Oh, whoa ♪
- ♪ Let his son die ♪
- ♪ Let him die ♪
♪ Locked in a cage ♪
- ♪ Let his son die ♪
- ♪ Like John McCain ♪
- ♪ His son, not him ♪
- ♪ Can't raise his arms. ♪
Well, that's all we got tonight.
Hope you enjoyed it.
And I hope the exhibits here at
The Museum of Television & Radio
don't come to life like
Night at the Museum.
- Hey, Peter!
- Don Knotts!
- I just want to talk.
- Stay away from me!
Andy Griffith used to beat me up.
He was a big drinker.
Ask Ron Howard, he'll tell you.
Help! Someone!
Tim Conway was sleeping with
half the Apple Dumpling Gang.
You two were the only ones
in the Apple Dumpling Gang!
You're doing the math now, aren't you?
♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪
♪ All the things that make us ♪
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
Hi, I'm Peter Griffin,
and I'm here at
The Museum of Television & Radio
to commemorate Family Guy
becoming the longest-running
show in television history.
For 60 years, Sunday has meant
God, football and Family Guy.
And later, to a lesser degree,
The Simpsons.
Premiering in 1952 as a recurring sketch
in the popular Dow Chemical Follies,
Family Guy has survived
19 cancellations,
two assassination attempts,
and a pretty good ribbing
by those South Park guys.
Well, tonight we take
a look back at classic episodes
from our first three decades.
Uhp, here come some tourists.
I know, I'll sit here
and pretend I'm a wax figure.
Who is that?
That's the fat idiot from
The Family Guy.
- Ugh. I hate that show.
- Me, too.
Raleigh Kids Cigarettes
is happy to bring you Family Guy,
the story of an American family
named the Griffins.
This is Peter,
breadwinner and head of household.
Lois is the name of his wife.
These are their children.
This is Chris, the firstborn son.
This is little Stewie.
Oh, boy, he's a handful.
Meg.
And introducing Doodles Weaver
as Brian the Dog.
We don't trust just any
cigarette for our children.
Raleigh Kids is the only
cigarette made for tiny hands.
It's why it's the playground
favorite. Right, kids?
And now, Raleigh Kids,
also the makers of Kinder Coffee,
invites you to watch Family Guy.
Dad, I overheard the fellas talking.
Can I ask you a question about girls?
Of course, son. You're a young man now.
It's natural to be curious.
Thanks, Pop.
What's "knuckle-dunk"?
Uhp, atomic test.
Put on your glasses.
Never mind what your friends said.
If you want to have fun
with your girl, try dancing.
It's fun and good for your health.
Swell, that's helpful.
So, what's going on if a guy says
a girl "has a red scare
in her Harry Truman"?
Fence.
Oh, look, here comes the milkman.
So convenient.
Good evening, everyone.
I'm Tom Tucker,
and this is the Radio 5 news.
Our top story this evening,
songsmith Elvis Presley
will be appearing on The Ed
Sullivan Show this Sunday night
on that never-gonna-last fad
called television.
And now a word from our sponsor:
Fred Trump Apartments.
If you don't want to live
with blacks, Fred Trump.
Wow, Elvis Presley!
Can we get a television set?
Sorry, Chris, we don't got the money.
I spent our entire savings
building that stupid fallout
shelter we never get to use.
Why don't you just buy a TV
for the weekend,
watch Elvis,
and then return it on Monday
and say it doesn't work?
Boy, even in the '50s, you're a scumbag.
- That's a great idea, boy!
- Hang on.
Why don't I just get a job
to help pay for it?
What? No wife of mine is working.
There's underpants in this house
that need starching.
I don't want to go to work
in soft underpants
like some Nancy boy;
I want to go to work like this.
Stiff as a plate. That's underpants.
We got some time before Elvis.
Can we see what else is on?
Sure thing.
We now return to 1950s sci-fi,
which is always a man in a
silver suit battling a monster.
Leave us humans alone.
It's 1994,
and the moon belongs to Earth.
Rawr.
It's safe now.
How's the soil, Professor Knockers?
It's good.
Good. Good.
Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker,
previously of Radio 5 news.
Tonight, I bring you a special report.
Women in the workplace:
hilarious or disturbing?
I am a 1950s man
speaking in a stilted manner,
seemingly with
no self-awareness whatsoever.
I am shouting for some reason
and will now suddenly be
replaced by crude graphics.
This factory has been beset by women.
Is your factory next?
Lois, that's you! You took a job?
Sorry, Peter. I wanted to tell you,
but you were so dead set against it.
Damn right I'm against it!
If God wanted women in the workplace,
he'd have made them alcoholics.
Now, you're quitting that job tomorrow.
- No, I'm not.
- Quiet. Elvis is on.
Ladies and gentlemen, Elvis Presley.
- Huh?
- What?! Elvis Presley is white?
Cleveland, did you know about this?
Come on, Donna, let's pick up
some gizzards and fried skins
and head on down to the juke joint.
Tonight it's gonna be jumpin'!
And it was jumpin'. It really was.
But I was banished to the sidewalk
because I called one of
the band guys a bad name.
I thought you were bringing the TV back.
I changed my mind. This TV is awesome!
I've been watching it all day.
You can keep your job
so we can afford this thing.
- Oh, that's great news, Peter.
- You know, Lois, I had an idea.
Instead of eating
in another room and talking,
what if we bring the food
out here and never talk again?
- That's a great idea.
- Shh.
Are you looking for
the perfect breakfast meal?
Try Post Raisin Bran, made with raisins,
which are grapes
that have been dried in the sun
for a long period of time;
and bran, the hard outer layers
of cereal grain.
Along with germ, it is an
integral part of whole grains.
When you eat Raisin Bran,
it fills your stomach
and keeps you from feeling
the sensation of hunger.
"Hunger" being pangs in the belly
as a result of lack of nourishment,
thereby sending signals
to your brain telling you,
"Hey, I'm hungry."
And when you hear Mr. "Hey, I'm Hungry,"
be sure to have a hearty bowl
of Post Raisin Bran.
Again, made with raisins,
which are grapes
that have been dried in the sun
for a long period of time;
and bran, the hard outer layers
of cereal grain.
Along with germ, it is an
integral part of whole grains.
♪ Post Raisin Bran ♪
♪ Made with raisins, which are
grapes that have been dried ♪
♪ In the sun for a long period of time ♪
♪ And bran ♪
♪ The hard outer layers
of cereal grain ♪
♪ Along with germ ♪
♪ It is an integral part
of whole grains ♪
♪ Post Raisin Bran. ♪
Boy, these commercials go by fast.
You can barely absorb any of it.
I don't know how you do it, Peter.
Can we get some Raisin Bran?
Do we have any Raisin Bran in the house?
Just working day after day, I'm
exhausted, and I miss my family.
It's made with raisins, which are grapes
that have been dried in the sun
for a long period of time.
I gave my notice,
and tomorrow's my last day.
So I guess we have to get rid of the TV.
By the way, Chris and Raisin Bran
are at Raisin Bran practice.
- Peter, I got a surprise for you.
- Raisin Bran?
A television?
We can't afford this; you quit your job.
This is what we were making on the line.
The only reason I wanted to work
was to make this for you.
Oh, Lois, you're the greatest.
I guess this is why
women shouldn't work.
To the moon, Lois!
"To the moon"? Wh-What does that mean?
You know, "to-to the moon."
Okay, you're threatening
to punch me so hard
I'm gonna fly to the moon?
Like-like it's funny
to hit me so violently
my body will fly out of the atmosphere?
Well, it's not funny anymore.
♪ Hi, I'm Peter ♪
♪ This is Lois ♪
♪ My sons Stewie and Chris ♪
♪ Our dog Brian, and the rest is this ♪
♪ We live in Quahog, near the beach ♪
♪ A wizard gave my baby
the power of speech ♪
♪ No one can hear him,
but when he's away ♪
♪ People in town can hear what he says ♪
♪ This is Family Guy. ♪
The dog talks, too!
Good morning, family.
I'll have my regular breakfast
and the newspaper, please.
Okay, here's your highball,
a grapefruit,
and our one weird serrated spoon.
- And Raisin Bran?
- Yes.
But sorry, there's no newspaper.
Chris quit his paper route.
- What?
- Aw, jobs are for bozos.
Besides, I won't be around to work.
Me and my pals are going to
Woodstock to smoke dope.
No, you are not!
Chris Griffin, you are grounded.
Oh, I hate you!
Now I'll never get to see Sha Na Na!
Hello. I just moved in down the block.
My name's Herbert, not Roy Mitchell.
So, if you see news reports
about a Roy Mitchell
from three towns over who was
accused of all sorts of nonsense
and left in a hurry,
it's got nothing to do with me,
because, again, I'm...
Herbert.
Mom, Dad, Chris is gone!
He went to Woodstock.
Now, Meg, nobody likes a snitch.
I'm not a snitch,
I just tell it like it is.
Damn it, Meg!
Excuse me, Peter,
maybe I should handle this.
- Mr. Brady?
- You know, Meg,
when you tattle on someone,
you're not just telling on them,
you're telling on yourself.
And by tattling on someone,
you're really just telling them,
"I'm a tattletale."
Now, is that the tale you want to tell?
- I never thought of it that way.
- Thanks, Mr. Brady.
That's right. Mike Brady.
So, if you see any news reports
about an actor named Robert Reed
from three towns over who was
accused of all sorts of nonsense
and left in a hurry,
it's got nothing to do with me,
because, again, I'm...
Mike Brady.
Chris went to Woodstock?
I got to get there and bring him back
before something bad happens.
Honey, I'm taking the compact;
save a little on gas.
Cars are bigger back now.
Oh, no, my dad!
Chris!
He'll be here in ten minutes.
I got to hide!
- Chris!
- Dad, what are you doing here?
- I'm here to bring you home.
- Well, I'm not going.
I'm staying here and smoking dope.
What? No son of mine
is gonna be smoking dope.
Why not, Dad? Is it any worse
than your three martini lunch?
What?! No son of mine
is gonna be drinking
a three martini lunch.
Why not, Dad? Is it any worse
than your five Scotch breakfast?
What?! No son of mine
is gonna be drinking
a five Scotch breakfast.
Why not, Dad? Is it any worse than
your "three X's drawn on
the jug" corn whiskey moonshine?
What?! No son of mine
drink anything but rice wine.
That's right, we trace
our early family roots to Asia.
Listen, Chris,
your mother and I love you.
We just want you to stay a kid
a little bit longer.
- You understand?
- Um, y-yeah.
I'm glad. 'Cause the thing is, Chris,
drugs turn you into someone you're not.
But you know what?
We love you just how you are.
That's why I'm so grateful I got
here before you dropped acid
or took any kind of drugs that...
Y-You're trippin' right now, aren't you?
- A little.
- All right.
Hey, why is Pete Townshend
taking pictures of you?
He's been doing that all day long.
It's for a book.
I don't think it's for a book.
Okay, I'm off to do my paper route.
Wow, Peter, your plan worked
to show Chris how horrible drugs are.
Quiet, Lois, I'm trying to watch TV.
That's one small step...
Ladies and gentlemen, the Beatles.
The flash now official,
President Kennedy has been killed.
God, there's nothing on.
♪ Just sit right back
and you'll hear a tale ♪
- There we go.
- ♪ A tale of a fateful trip... ♪
Lois, why is my son playing
with a vacuum like a girl?
Here, play with this discus and javelin.
Then you can grow up like a man,
like track and field star Bruce Jenner,
the greatest man in the world.
Maybe you'll even end up
on a box of Wheaties.
Didn't these used to have nuts in 'em?
Chris, I see in the paper
that Vietnam is still going on,
and as a blue collar TV dad,
I demand you enlist.
Peter, you can't send Chris to Vietnam.
They're bombing women and children.
You have no idea
how bad it is over there.
I don't? Oh, I know war, my friend.
I stormed the beaches at Normandy.
Of course, it was 1958,
so the resistance wasn't quite as stiff.
No running.
I said no running!
I'm not running!
Chris, you are going to Vietnam
and doing your duty,
like Quagmire did.
As a matter of fact, his tour just ended
and his transport
should be getting in soon.
So let's head down to the airfield
and give our soldiers
the respect they deserve.
Welcome home, Quagmire!
Oh, good to see you back safely, Glenn.
- Murderer!
- Hey, show some respect.
Sorry.
Oh, I left my carry-on
back on the plane.
All right, when he comes back,
we got to make him feel welcome again.
Boy, the Clam sure looks different.
Yeah, just be careful with
your collars on the way in.
They're kind of sharp.
Yeah, we'll have a round
of beers for the table.
Uhp, we got her, too.
It's good to have you back from
the war in one piece, Quagmire.
Yeah, some of us weren't so lucky.
What are you talking about?
You never went to Vietnam.
Hell I didn't!
I went to the draft board
and told them I was gay,
and then got hit by a bus
on the walk home.
So, Quagmire, Chris is
shipping out tomorrow morning,
and he's pretty nervous.
I know you enjoy staring, like,
3,000 feet out into dead space,
but you got any good stories
I could tell him
about how cool 'Nam is?
You know, there's lots of things
you expect in war...
Carnage, the sleepless nights...
But what they don't prepare you for
is the incessant use of "Fortunate Son."
I'd hear that song
any time I was in a helicopter.
Or taking a swift boat
deep into the jungle,
that song again.
My penis would even play "Fortunate Son"
while I was visiting a whorehouse.
♪ It ain't me, it ain't me ♪
♪ I ain't no millionaire's son, no... ♪
Oh, Lord, that's horrible!
There must have been
some other song you heard.
Yeah, there was.
That "There's something
happening here" song.
Hey, I just realized,
your clothes kind of
look like the jungle.
Shut up, Joe! You weren't there!
You don't know!
I'll kill you! I'll kill you!
You didn't hear the songs I heard!
Oh, my God,
Chris ships out in the morning!
I got to get him out to there.
I thought this war would be fun,
you know, just go over there
and fight the Donkey Kong.
We were trying to fight the war our way,
the way we'd always fought wars,
but we were gradually climbing
steel beams and ladders,
and the Donkey Kong knew that.
It was barrel after barrel.
We lost a lot of good men.
And so many quarters.
Now, listen up! When you hear your name,
I want you to sound off smartly
and move out.
- Capo.
- Yes, sir.
- Sumner.
- Yes, sir.
Griffin.
Chris Griffin!
Yes, sir.
I didn't think this through.
Hey, where you going?!
What's the matter with you?!
I said put your duffel bag right there!
♪ Hey, guys, wait ♪
♪ I'm not supposed to be here ♪
♪ Stop, halt ♪
♪ My name's not Chris, it's Peter ♪
♪ He's late ♪
♪ He's probably at the theater ♪
♪ Watching a '70s movie ♪
♪ Maybe The French Connection ♪
♪ Or possibly Godfather II ♪
♪ The number, not "also" ♪
♪ Let my son die ♪
♪ Let my son die ♪
♪ My son, not me ♪
♪ Let his son die ♪
♪ Let his son die ♪
♪ His son, not him ♪
♪ Oh, whoa ♪
- ♪ Let his son die ♪
- ♪ Let him die ♪
♪ Locked in a cage ♪
- ♪ Let his son die ♪
- ♪ Like John McCain ♪
- ♪ His son, not him ♪
- ♪ Can't raise his arms. ♪
Well, that's all we got tonight.
Hope you enjoyed it.
And I hope the exhibits here at
The Museum of Television & Radio
don't come to life like
Night at the Museum.
- Hey, Peter!
- Don Knotts!
- I just want to talk.
- Stay away from me!
Andy Griffith used to beat me up.
He was a big drinker.
Ask Ron Howard, he'll tell you.
Help! Someone!
Tim Conway was sleeping with
half the Apple Dumpling Gang.
You two were the only ones
in the Apple Dumpling Gang!
You're doing the math now, aren't you?