Family Guy (1998–…): Season 16, Episode 15 - The Woof of Wall Street - full transcript

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

What the hell?

Oh, hey, Brian.
I was sick of waiting my turn



outside the supermarket,

so I bought every coin-operated
horse in town.

I assume you're on the unicorn?

You know me well, sir.

Must be a dozen horses here.

How do you possibly have the money

for this type of stuff?

Well, I'll tell you,
but only on one condition.

- Fine. Never mind then.
- Investing!

I invest in the stock market.

The stock market? Ugh.

What do you even know about that stuff?

It's easy... I just follow trends
and invest accordingly.

For instance,
there are more single people



over 50 than ever.

So I'm investing in handguns
and blackout window shades.

They don't want to be part
of society, Brian.

They've made that very clear.

I don't know, Stewie, if you ask me,

the stock market's just a rigged game

where the top one-percent
make out like bandits,

and regular people get hurt.

Are you reading off
a teleprompter right now?

No.

The prompter's down. What do we do?

Brian, vamp!

So, great to be in Quahog,
Rhode Island today.

That's why he's the best.

Our top story,
an austere monetary policy

has the European Union
on the brink of collapse,

threatening the entire global economy.

And for viewers making
less than $40,000 a year,

your top story is a big
UFC fight this Saturday.

Wow, I can't wait to see that fight!

Me and the guys are gonna
watch it at the Clam.

Peter, we have dinner
with my parents that night.

It's my mom's birthday.
You have to be there.

Lois, if you let me out of this,

I will go to Meg's
ballet recital in your place.

Deal.

I did not go to the recital.

Whew, what a day.

I asked Ms. Watson if she has
any kids of her own.

Immediately put me in a time-out.

What the hell?!

Ay, díos mio!

Oh, great. Course it's one of them.

- What?!
- Stewie, adults are allowed

to say racist things because of traffic.

Oh, my poor '98 Toyota Corolla.

We all have '98 Toyota Corolla.

- Qué?
- I allowed to say racist things

because of traffic.

Well, don't get so angry.
Just tell your insurance

what happened and then they'll...

Oh, you're driving away because
you don't have insurance.

This sucks. Fixing the bumper
is gonna cost at least a grand.

Tell you what, give me a hundred bucks

to put in the stock market,
and I'll take care of it.

The market?

Brian, you won't lose your money.

I promise.

All right, fine.

Guess I'm not the first person
to cave into family pressure.

Like Stephen Baldwin.

Why aren't you a bloated alcoholic yet?

I'm sorry, Ma!

What the hell?

Jerome, what are you doing?
The fight's tonight!

Sorry, fellas, I just got a call.

My mom had a stroke.

I've got to go back
to Long Island to see her.

Hey, a Mets fan, huh?

No, no, Joe, now is not the time

to use your new conversation techniques.

I love her so much. Look at her.

So beautiful.

And there's no one to take care of her,

so, unfortunately,
I'll be gone for a while.

I got to close this place for a month.

- A month?!
- I wish it was February.

'Cause, you know,
that's the shortest month.

Nice one, Joe. You're on the board.

Look, I don't want to
close the place either.

But I don't have anyone to run it.

Really? Well, uh, you know,

we know this place better than anyone.

- What if we run it for you?
- Yeah!

- That's a great idea!
- B-story!

Wow, you fellas would really
watch this place for me?

Are you kidding?
Running a bar is my dream!

Well, that and waking up a rooster.

Dah!

Enjoy the rest of your Saturday.

Hey, Brian, I need to talk to you

about that money I invested for you.

I knew it. You lost it all, didn't you?

God, I never should have
given you my money.

The stock market is a sucker's
bet, like chasing your tail.

God, it's right there,
and yet a million miles away.

What are the physics of that?!

I didn't lose your money, Brian.
Quite the contrary.

Here's a thousand to fix your car.

And here's a thousand profit.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on.

You made $2,000 in a couple days?

- Yep.
- Oh, my God.

You got to teach me how to invest.

Okay, but I can see this is
going to be a lot of work.

So in return, you must teach me Gymkata:

the fusion of gymnastics and karate.

No, Stewie, I won't do that.
It's too dangerous.

I swore I'd never teach Gymkata again.

Brian, there's a 22-year-old
Mongolian heiress

who's being held captive
in a mountain fortress

that happens to have
a pommel horse in it.

There's no other way.

Okay, I'm back. Ready to invest?

Why are you still wearing that unitard?

Can't get it off
'cause my hog's too big.

Well, here, let me help you get it off.

No, no, no, no, no, no.
I pooped. I pooped.

What's going on with Nikkei?

- What are you up to?
- Are you kidding?

I've been looking at stocks all morning.

I'm already up five percent on the day.

Wow, good for you.
You're really taking to this.

I wish I'd brought you in
on this earlier.

Together, we're going to make a fortune.

Well, now, hold on, Stewie.
I'm not some run-of-the-mill

Wall Street scumbag only
in this for the profits.

For every dollar I make, one goes to me,

and one goes to charity.

I'm gonna rent a Ferrari
and cruise the pier.

You want in?

Well, cancer's not going anywhere.

I'm sorry, Billy,
you're one dollar short

of being able to afford
the surgery you need.

- Yeah!
- Money!

Sweet. I know those guys.

Wow, look at us, running the Clam.

Joe, why are you dressed like that?

'Cause I'm a mixologist.

Oh, cool. What can you make?

You name it, I can make it.

Could I get an old-fashioned?

Classic. Rum and Coke, coming right up.

And could I get a Moscow mule?

Rum and Coke for my comrade.

- I'll have a whiskey...
- Rum...

- sour.
- Coke. Coming right up.

- Could I get a rum and Coke?
- Uh, Pepsi okay?

Brian, I've got great news.

We're going for a ride in the car?!

No, our portfolio's up 30%.

In fact, we're so successful
now, we have to make

one of those sappy
investment commercials.

Thanks to my investments,
I've watched my money grow.

And my little girl.

Dad?

Thanks for making my big day possible.

Don't thank me. Thank Fidelity.

Okay, I'm ready to marry you now.

Wait, what? No, I'm your dad.

Yes, you are. This is what's happening.

Fidelity: We're there for you

when your baby marries his dog-dad.

Stewie, why'd you bring me
all the way out here?

Now that we're eccentric rich guys,

we're going to go down 20,000
feet and pants James Cameron

while he's excavating the Titanic.

There he is.

This is gonna be so great.

Wow, business has really picked up.

I think it's because of the
trivia night Quagmire started.

Here we go, next question.

And remember, no phones, people.

Playing an honest game, no phones.

Okay, "In what country..."

No phones, I'm seeing phones.

"In what country..." No phones.

I've been pretty cool about this so far,

it's a gentlemen's game.

"In what country can you find
the monuments called..."

I see phones. I see... all right,

you know what, that's it,
trivia night over!

Three cotton-picking weeks,

and no one's gotten
a single answer wrong.

Everyone's like, "Hey, settle down",

we're not using our phones."

I see you using your damn phones!

Just... just give me my shift drink!

Technically, you got to finish the game

before you get your drink.

"In which country..."

And you know,
I think some people may be here

because of me.

I spread the word about
my sweet playlist.

This is just a bunch of covers
of "Life Is A Highway."

Yeah.

Joe...

you did a really great job.

Thanks.

♪ Life is a highway ♪

♪ I want to... ♪

(BLEEP), we went to the wrong place.

Hey, guys, I had a great idea.

You know how people love
mechanical bulls?

Well, I got something even better!

A real bull?

If that thing gets mad,
it'll destroy the bar!

Yeah, right. How can it get mad

when I cinched its balls with my belt?

See, it loves it here.
It's even picking out a song.

♪ Life is a highway... ♪

Excellent choice. You know,
not to tell tales out of school,

but I sucked my first jug to this song.

♪ If you are going my way ♪

♪ I want to drive it ♪

♪ All night long ♪

♪ Life is a highway ♪

♪ I want to ride it ♪

♪ All night long ♪

♪ Gimme, gimme, gimme, yeah ♪

♪ If you are going my way ♪

♪ I want to drive it ♪

♪ All night long... ♪

Edgar, do you know anything about this?

What? N-No.

Edgar?

I was at Stanley Kaplan
preparing for the A.C.T.

Well, then I am sanguine.

Huh?

Aha!

Guys, wake up.

Oh, man, the bull kicked our asses.

And totally trashed the bar.

What the hell is that?

Oh, that's my ringtone.

It's from Game of Thrones
when Stannis's daughter

is burned alive at the stake.

No way. It's from when Arya
and that other tiny girl

fight to the death.

Nah, that scream
is from the Red Wedding.

It's the sound of a mama being
stabbed right in the baby.

Hey, Jerome.

Hey, Peter.

I have some bad news.

My mama...

she's dead.

Aw, man, that sucks, Lois.

Your friend is probably just jealous.

Peter.

There's nothing left for me here,

so I'm coming home tomorrow.

That painting's all I got
to remember her by.

You take good care of it, Peter.

It's my prized possession.

I'll see you tomorrow.

What are we gonna do?

Yeah. When Jerome sees that
painting, he's gonna kill us.

Don't worry, guys,
he's got another one over there.

Peter, that's Bruno Mars.

Bruno Mars?

Who's she?

He's a man.

And he's not even black.

He's a beautiful,
mixed-up tomorrow person.

What is this place?

This is what you dragged me
out of the house

first thing in the morning for?

Yeah, it's a great company
I found to invest in.

Korean. They make protein shakes.

The profits are off the charts.

Well, why is it
in the middle of nowhere?

And why are there no windows?

And why is there
a security guard out front?

All these questions?

This is why I didn't want to
let you have a soda in the car.

It's not 'cause of the soda.

God.

Something's going on here.

I'm taking a look.

What are you doing?
It's just a protein shake.

And it's the cheapest on the market.

Uh, Brian, I think I know
why it's so cheap.

They're made of dog meat.

Oh, my God, look at
all those poor, sad dogs.

♪ Life is a highway ♪

♪ I want to ride it all night long ♪

♪ Gimme, gimme, gimme, yeah. ♪

They're all in trouble.
Even Rover Dangerfield.

Oh, I tell you, I got to pay
more attention, you know?

When the Korean guy said "shake,"

I thought he meant my paw.

Then he said I was gonna be protein.

I said, "Damn right, I'm very pro-teen",

I'm dating a 16-year-old."

Oh, boy, I tell you,
I came in this place a purebred.

Now I'm leaving it a purée.

No respect, no respect at all.

Brian, let's get out of here.

What do you mean? I'm taking a meeting.

This company's worth a fortune.

What? You still want to invest in this?

- You can't be serious.
- Sorry, Stewie.

Wall Street is a people-eat-dog
world, everyone knows that.

Oh, my God.

Brian, you've turned into a monster.

Hey!

That's offensive
to the monster community.

Yeah, some of us are nice.

Yeah, real nice.

Weren't you charged with
sexually abusing a 16-year-old?

Elmo's accuser recanted

and admitted the relationship
was consensual.

Yeah, but wasn't there another
case that was only thrown out

because the statute
of limitations had expired?

Elmo no comment.

Cookie!

He wants a cookie.

Oh, I love the Muppets.

I can't believe you still want
to invest in this.

They use dog meat.

How can you condone
the eating of other dogs?

Oh, come on, Stewie, it's their way.

Who are we to judge other cultures?

Look, I'm investing in this company.

And if you're too scared
to do it with me,

then maybe I'm working
with the wrong partner.

What are you talking about?

I'm the one who taught you
how to invest.

You can't ditch me.

Sorry, Stewie.

When I left you, I was but a learner.

Now I am the master.

Hee-ya!

Yeah. No one in Star Wars says "hee-ya."

You know what, Brian, forget it.

We are done. You ruined this.

We were a good team,
like Ricki and the Flash.

I love you, Ricki.

I love you, the Flash.

Stewie, I don't think that's right.

Ah, I didn't see the movie.

Yeah, no, I didn't see it
either, but, yeah, the,

"the Flash" was the name
of her rock band.

Oh, you saw it.

Yeah, I saw it.

So did I.

- This is stupid.
-Come on, guys. We got no choice.

We have to paint that portrait
of Jerome's mother ourselves,

and this is the only class in town.

But aren't these classes
just for lame chicks

who want an excuse to drink together?

I'm having so much fun.

Me, too.

This wine is an artist.

And it painted my smile.

I don't think Paul
really wants to marry me.

I, uh...

I'm not sure what we're doing now.

Hi, Brian Griffin.

I have an appointment to see
your CEO about an investment.

Ah, yes, we're waiting for you.

Here, breathe deeply
into this investors' rag.

All right. Now, I'm not sure
if I'm saying this right,

but, uh, "Boo. Cocky."

Can you believe Brian?

Thinking he can fire me
when I'm the one who taught him?

I have had it with him.

Absolutely had it.

He's just so selfish.

He drives me crazy.

I don't know why I put up
with it, I guess...

I guess I just have
a forgiving personality.

But enough about that, I'm
probably starting to bore you.

It's just that whenever
I start talking about Brian,

I lose all track of time.

You would think,
after all these years together,

that I could simply tell myself
enough is enough.

You've reached
Stewie Griffin. Leave a message.

Hey! Give me that phone.

Stewie, it's Brian, you got
to help me, I'm gonna get ea...

Damn it.

Well, I guess Stewie's my only hope now.

I can't believe I might die like this.

I always thought I'd go
the way all dogs dream about:

slowly, and at great
inconvenience to my owners.

Come on, boy. Here we go.

Here we go. Let's get you
to the living room.

Lois, wrap one of his
"walking to the car" pills

in roast beef and peanut butter.

I'm gonna hold his hips
while he stands confused

in front of the water dish.

Go on, boy. It's right there.

Come on, boy, it's right there.

It's water. You like it.

There you go.

You're doing it yourself.

Oh, God. Jerome's gonna be here
any minute,

and then we're totally screwed.

Well, I guess all we can do now
is the honorable thing:

make realistic puppets
of ourselves to leave in the bar

for Jerome to beat the crap out of.

What the hell happened to my bar?

And my painting!

Well, don't just sit there staring at me

with your limp limbs and
your straw-filled aid shirts.

Wow, it's working!

Good plan, Peter.

Thanks, guys.

Oh, no, I left the real me in there.

He's falling for it, guys.

He thinks I'm me.

Come on, Stewie,
check your damn messages.

God, that must be
where they do the deed.

I hope it's at least
peaceful and humane.

Vick!

Oh, boy.

And Eli Manning!

Aw, I didn't know that
about Eli Manning.

Oh, yeah. I'm a real idiot psychopath.

What was that?

What the...?

Good job, Rupert.

Now let's hope we can find Brian
before it's too late.

Hey, don't touch me, I'm rich!

Ugh, he just makes it
so difficult to be on his side.

Oh, come on, there's got to be
a way we can work this out.

Rupert, music!

♪ Life is a highway ♪

♪ I want to ride it all night long... ♪

Oh, no. He knows Gymkata.

There is no defense.

Everyone, run for safety
over by those uneven bars.

♪ I want to drive it... ♪

Bad idea, buddy.

♪ Life is a highway ♪

♪ I want to ride it all night long ♪

♪ Gimme, gimme, gimme, yeah ♪

♪ If you're going my way ♪

♪ I want to drive it... ♪

Stewie! Oh, my God, thank you.

I'm so sorry, Stewie.

I guess I just lost my head.

Well, lesson learned, Brian.

Money doesn't buy happiness.

This does:

♪ Life is a highway ♪

♪ I want to ride it all night long ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ If you're going my way ♪

♪ I want to drive it all night long ♪

♪ Gimme, gimme, gimme, yeah. ♪

Wow, Stewie. I am so sorry
I became such a jerk.

But I guess I learned my lesson
about the evils of Wall Street.

What are you talking about?

This isn't about Wall Street,
this is about you.

Me?

I've been investing
in the market forever,

and doing just fine.

You did it for one week,

and were literally eating your own kind.

This isn't about Wall Street.

I cannot stress that enough.

Well, money is the root of all evil.

No, it's not. It's just you.

Hello, others, I am the father.

Where is the mother,

and what kind of sex
does she like to have?