Family Guy (1998–…): Season 16, Episode 14 - Veteran Guy - full transcript

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

Ah, the Aiwa Double Tape Deck.

The Waldorf and Statler
of every thrift store.



The selection here stinks.

Yeah, and so do the customers.

Jim Henson died of treatable pneumonia.

Hey, Brian, remember Sisterhood
of the Traveling Pants?

They have the magic girl-power jeans.

Holy crap, what happened?

I don't know. I-I think
I turned into America Ferrera.

I don't want this. Help! Someone, help!

Looking passable, Stewie.

Looking damn passable.

Aw, crap, people we know.
You know the drill.

We're donating, not buying.

Just doing our part to give back
to the community.

I'm gonna go wait in the alley.



Could you just ball them up
and throw them out the window?

Putting on strangers' hats
is always a good idea.

- Thank you for your service.
- Huh?

My father's a veteran, too.

Thank you for protecting us
and for posting revenge porn

on Marine Corps message boards.

Oh, actually, I'm not...

I'm gonna start a trend
of interrupting your sentences.

Well, no, it's just a hat. I didn't...

Thank you for your service.

Bless you and all of our veterans.

No, guys, I-I'm not really a vet...

I don't have time to hear
the rest of your sentence,

but thank you for being a veteran

because you're definitely a veteran.

And I'm Cris Collinsworth
from NBC Sunday Night Football.

On behalf of all TV football dummies,

thank you for your service.

You're-you're welcome.

Wow. Feels real good to be a veteran,

even better than buying
a bottle of Newman's Own.

This makes me a good person.

Hey, someone just bought a
bottle of bland salad dressing.

Now we can use all proceeds
to do jihad stuff.

Hey, Peter, what's with the hat?

- I'm pretending to be a veteran.
- What?

Yeah, it's awesome.
Vets get all the sweet deals.

I mean, you never see a homeless vet.

And people have been really nice.

Everywhere I go, they open doors for me.

Welcome, sir.

Thank you.

Hey, so when really fat people come,

make sure we're opening both doors.

Guys, you could be veterans, too.

Look what happens
when I put on sunglasses.

♪ Highway to the danger zone... ♪

- Wow!
- I want to try.

♪ Highway to the danger zone. ♪

It's loud being a veteran!

The hell is wrong with you guys?!

Do I need to remind you
I actually am a veteran?

And I'm sickened by the thought
of trolling for free handouts

on account of being a vet,
much less pretending to be one.

Quagmire, what if
I told you your glasses

do "Playing With The Boys"?

The volleyball scene?

Go ahead, give it a whirl.

♪ I'm playing... ♪

Whoa! It's like I'm high-fiving
with Anthony Edwards.

And it's not like I'd be lying.

There we go. Hey, another round
for me and my veteran buddies.

Dad, Family Guy used two of your songs.

Well, that's great,
but I'm not your dad.

I'm Kenny Loggins and you're a
groupie I brought here for sex.

Dad, Family Guy just...

See, now, that's my daughter.

You guys got your video cameras ready?

Yeah. What's going on?

Well, as a veteran, I get
to star in a viral YouTube video

of me reuniting with my beloved pet.

So here goes.

My pet is Christian the lion.

I'm doing two Internet things at once.

This is my heterosexual roommate, Ace,

with whom I shared the lion
two decades ago.

- You look great, Peter.
- I have a family now!

You know, guys, if being
a veteran is about anything,

it's about getting half-hearted applause

on a Southwest Airlines flight.

Veterans.

Yay, veterans.

Holy crap, you're Eric Dane
from Marley and Me,

and other stuff!

I'm afraid you got to give us
your front-of-the-plane seats

'cause that's what celebrities
do for veterans.

Well, clear out, kids.

It's just part of the Hollywood deal.

Thank you. Thanks.

Thank you so much. This is why I served.

"USS Nathan James"?

Yes, sir. Boats, military, sir.

The Nathan James is the fictitious ship

on TNT's The Last Ship, starring
Adam Baldwin and Jocko Sims.

- And Eric Dane.
- Uh-oh.

You guys aren't veterans at all.
You're frauds.

Okay, we ain't real vets.

Quagmire served in the Navy.

The rest of us are charlatans.

- Boo!
- You're terrible!

I fly Southwest to have a classy
experience and you've ruined it.

Excuse me, gentlemen.
You're under arrest.

What?! Why?!

You three are in violation
of the Stolen Valor Act,

which makes it a crime
to pretend to be a veteran.

Oh, so suddenly it's a crime
to break the law?

Mr. Quagmire, you're free to go,

but the rest of you
will have to come with me.

I thought we had it bad,

being gay overhead bins.

What makes us gay?

We've got bags in our mouths.

Hey, quick, put these on.

They're not gonna throw
a veteran in jail.

Is this some kind of joke to you?

No, it was a sincere idea.

Real servicemen and women

have made real sacrifices
for this country.

And you. You're an actual
veteran; you should know better.

I'm sorry.

You made a mockery
of our whole family, Glenn.

Now, everywhere I go,

it's like people are staring
at me and whispering.

Court is now in session.

Judge Dignified Q. Blackman presiding.

You men are accused of violating
the Stolen Valor Act,

and that's years of jail time.

We forgot to get a lawyer.

But in view of your long service
to comedy,

I'm willing to offer a deal.

What kind of deal?

I'll waive the charges,
but only on the condition

that you men enlist
in the military for real.

You three have to join the Marines.

Oh, my God. We could be killed!
Please, no!

All right, how about the Coast Guard?

Yeah, that's fine.

- Wow.
- Something happened.

Something just happened in court.

Glenn, if you were half the man
I used to be,

you'd stand up and join them.

Your Honor? I'd like to sign up, too.

Oh, my God.

I was checking my phone. What happened?

Excuse me?

That's right. I'm going with them.

The four of us will join
the Coast Guard together.

All right. Report to
the induction center tomorrow.

Court is adjourned.

The People v. Ted 2.

Okay, come on, let's get out
of here. Let's go. Let's go.

Good morning, recruits.

Welcome to the Coast Guard.

Sir, when do we report
for basic training, sir?

Hey, what's with the "sir" stuff?

This is just the Coast Guard.

Now, come on. Who here can
pantomime driving a boat?

Hmm, we got any boat guys here?

Whoa, look at that.

You guys should be recruiting me.

Now can you bounce
with the waves a little bit?

Uh-oh! Getting kind of choppy.

Is this guy for real? This is idiotic.

This is nothing like what the Navy was.

Shh, Quagmire, I got to focus
on my boat here.

The way people's talking makes me think

we're gonna be dealing
with a lot of water.

You guys seem to have what it takes,

so raise your right hand as
I recite the Coast Guard pledge.

"When you're here, you're family."

- Isn't that the slogan for...?
- We had it first!

Everybody ships out tomorrow.

You'll find your assignments
listed on this sheet.

Oh, crap. Where in Iraq
is "Fort El Ahoud Urd Ali"?

Peter, that's Fort Lauderdale.

We're being shipped out to guard
freakin' spring break.

- Sweet!
- All right!

Spring break on the land, not the water!

No, it's not sweet. It's a joke.
This whole thing is a joke!

Compared to the Navy,
the Coast Guard is totally

unprofessional and incompetent,
like that ancient Roman intern.

This is Markus. Today's his first day.

He's going to be crucifying you now.

He might want to use his hammer.

Ugh, sorry. I'm so bad at this.

Relax, you're doing fine.

Well, I'm off.

Oh, Peter, I'm so worried.

- Where are they stationing you?
- I can't tell you.

That is on a knead-the-dough basis.

- Florida?!
- Shh!

Hey, you be safe.

Wait, Dad, before you go,
can you teach me to shave?

Well, for starters, bud, that's
supposed to be on your pubes.

You got a secret inch
hiding under there.

This is what I'm gonna be missing.

Well, that's an unrelated car honking,

but I'm gonna go now.

Fort Lauderdale, Florida,

where all the art in every
dentist's office comes from.

All right, let's get to work.
Grab your binoculars.

We got to practice
doing funny double-takes

upon seeing a bikini woman.

Sir, should I say, "Aaoogah," sir?

Affirmative. And, Joe, I order
you to just let the binoculars

fall right out of your hands,
but you don't even notice

'cause of how foxy the woman is.

All right, yeah.

I can see that we got the right
skill set for this assignment.

Okay, guys, knock it off.

But, Quagmire, there's
spring break boobs everywhere!

Come on, guys, I mean it.

This is important. I want you
to start acting like it.

- Wow, he's serious.
- He's very serious.

We're in the motel now.

Guys, we have to complete
a 160-point inspection

of this coastal patrol cutter.

I'll call them out.

Item one: Hydraulic grapple-winch.

Guys?

We're over here,
painting clever names on boats.

No, Peter, it's supposed
to be short and poppy.

Oh, okay.

Okay, guys, while I scan
for disabled watercraft,

I need a status report
on that hydraulic grapple-winch.

Guys?

We're busy;
we're hanging out with Aquaman.

I told you, I'm not Aquaman.

I am the Sub-Mariner.

- What's your deal?
- I'm just like Aquaman,

but I can't get fish to do things.

That's the big thing.

I mean, isn't that all Aquaman does?

No, he can also breathe underwater,

and he's strong, like me.

Isn't everyone strong underwater?

No, no. Not like me.

I can punch a big octopus
a really long way.

Hey, guys.

- Hey, Aquaman!
- Yeah!

Hey, make a fish do something.

Aw, shucks, guys, I don't know.

I guess I could do
something like... this.

Wow, a real superhero.

I-I have little wings on my feet!

No, just-just, shh, shh.
Ju... it's over.

It's over.

Hey, can you guys
keep it down for a bit?

I got to have a FaceTime
conversation with my wife

where we talk at the same time,
and then stop,

and then start again, then laugh.

- Hi, hon...
- Hi, hon...

- No, no, you go...
- You go ahead.

- No, I...
- Go ahead.

- Y-You first.
- You first.

- Hi, Pop.
- Oh, God, Stewie.

You've gotten so big.

No, I'm just in the foreground.

You're as tall as your mother now.

He... he doesn't understand perspective.

All right, let me say good-bye to Mommy.

- Well, you take ca...
- Good-bye, hon...

- You go...
- Oh, what?

- You go...
- No, I was just gonna say...

Everything stinks.

- Hey, Quagmire, where you going?
- I'm going home.

- What? Why?
- 'Cause I'm sick of this.

I'm the only one
taking the job seriously.

Hell, you guys still don't
even know how to operate

a simple hydraulic grapple-winch.

Okay, that's the third time
you've mentioned

the hydraulic grapple-winch.

Is that gonna be important for later?

I feel like maybe it is.

Quagmire, you can't just go home.

We're stationed here.

I wasn't sentenced, but I came anyway

because I thought I could try
and teach my friends

what it means to serve
their country, the way I did.

But you're hopeless, so I'm done.

And I'm still the voice

of Cris Collinsworth, and I'm done, too.

Uhp, closet.

Now I got it.

Aw.

I disappointed the stupidest guy
in football.

- I got to go take a sad pee.
- Me, too.

We should probably all go
urinate together, outdoors,

as a group of guys, while
wearing backwards baseball caps,

per Fort Lauderdale municipal law.

The Florida ways are the best ways.

Are we ready to attack?

We are! And many people will die.

What the hell's that?

Are we ready to attack?

We are! And many people will die.

- Oh, my God.
- Those evil frat boys

are planning to kill spring break.

And they only had time to record
two lines of dialogue.

Are we ready to attack?

We are! And many people will die.

- We got to stop them.
- All right, let's just find

a quiet place to come up with a plan.

All right, here's what we do!

We track down...

we saw talking and...

Joe, you get us some...

And, Cleveland, I want you to get...

buildings in the city.

I'm still very unclear about the plan!

Three more banana daiquiris.

We track down the...

Did you see all
of those guns and weapons

those evil frat boys had?

I sure did.

And we still haven't nailed down
a date for visiting Epcot.

But what can we do?

Quagmire was the only
real soldier among us.

You're right. Compared to him,

we're about as useless as one of
those automatic bathroom sinks.

Uhp. Uhp.

Uhp.

Uhp.

Uhp. Uhp.

Uhp. Uhp. Uhp.

Uhp.

Uhp. Uhp.

What the hell are you doing?
This is a women's bathroom.

Uhp.

Come on, guys, we don't need
Quagmire to do the right thing.

I love that movie.

If there's gonna be an attack
at spring break,

we can't just stand by while
people get hurt, or even killed.

Joe's right. It's up to us to stop it.

Because we're in the Coast Guard,

and when you're here, you're family.

- Great!
- Yeah!

- Ooh!
- Yeah, yeah.

That food was all very salty.

There's so many people.

We got to find those frat boys.
Look for anything suspicious.

The Coors party ball is a dirty bomb!

No, Peter, it's not; it's just
the coolest, freshest way

to keep your party rolling
is what it is.

This is hopeless!

There's no way
to guess what their target is.

Final boarding call

for the "Are We Ready To Attack, We Are,

And Many People Will Die" booze cruise.

Okay, I got a feeling about that one.

- Let's go!
- No, guys.

We'll never make it on foot.

We got to steal that kid's Jet Ski.

Peter, the boat's right there.
We'll totally make it.

It's the only way, guys!

Peter, we're now literally
standing on the boat.

That's how close the boat is.

Made it!

- You wanted to ride the Jet Ski.
- I wanted to ride the Jet Ski.

How much you reckon
a boat like this cost?

All right, everybody, freeze!
This is the U.S. Coast Guard.

And when you're here, you're family.

Anyway, U.S. Coast Guard.
You kids are...

What are we gonna do?
We're way outgunned.

Are any of you familiar

with what's referred to
as a "Leeroy Jenkins"?

Well, I don't know what that is,

but let's make a very long,
elaborate plan.

All right, so I'll run in first
and use an intimidating shout.

When my shout's done,

I'll need Joe to come in
and use his shout, too.

What do you think, Joe?

Can you give me
a number crunch real quick?

Yeah, give me a sec.
I'm coming up with, uh,

32.33, repeating, of course.

Okay, that's a lot better
than we usually do.

- So let's...
- Leeroy Jenkins!

Oh, my God, he just ran in.
Let's go! Stick to the plan!

Let's go, let's go!

Aw, man.

Aw, we're dying.

Damn it, Cleveland.

Where'd they get dragons?

These guys have magic, guys.

I can't move.

Oh, God!

You know, Cleveland, you're an idiot.

This episode has
a lot of Internet things.

Ah, crap, we're gonna die.

Freeze!

Quagmire, you came back!

That's right. Because I'm in
the U.S. Coast Guard.

- And when you're here...
- Oh, no, don't say it!

Ah, I'm glad you came back, buddy.

You really saved the day.

Hey, where'd you get the machine gun?

From the coastal patrol cutter.

"Machine gun" is item 49
of the 160-point inspection.

Oh, that was when I was writing
homosexual stuff on the boat.

- Too bad about the bomb.
- Bomb?

Yep. Right here on the boat.

Soon you will all do
the foamy dance of death.

We are! And many people will die.

He just says that one thing.

The bomb is hidden in the foam.

Where is it?

- Have you found it?
- No.

I was thinking next Thursday
for Epcot, but no bomb.

You're wasting your time;
the bomb will activate

the moment the floor stops vibrating.

Did you hear that? Twerk!

Twerk like you're Miley Cyrus

trying to prove something to your dad!

Found it!

We're all gonna die!

Oh, no, we're not.
I stole a Jet Ski from a kid.

Ha, ha!

Oh, I forgot they do that.

Hydraulic grapple-winch!

- Oh, yeah!
- From earlier!

- We did it! It's over.
- 'Cause of you.

Thanks for saving us, Quagmire.

Eh, I was just doing my duty.
Just like you did.

Good job, soldier.

Anyway, what matters is everyone's okay,

thanks to the Coast Guard.

Because when you're here...

I'm not going back to that restaurant.

by LiviuBoss
* Rambo Media Ltd *