Family Guy (1998–…): Season 16, Episode 13 - V is for Mystery - full transcript

Stewie and Brian become detectives and embark on solving a string of murders set in Victorian era London.

# It seems today that all you see

# Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

# But where are those
good old-fashioned values

# On which we used to rely?

# Lucky there's a family guy

# Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

# All the things that make us

# Laugh and cry

# He's a Family Guy #

Ugh, this is gonna suck.

80% of these acts
are either air guitar



or girls dancing
to songs from Frozen.

Yeah, back in my day
you had to be a triple threat

to even get on that stage.
You were a triple threat?

I sure was. I could sing, dance,

and guess the weight of any baby
that was tossed to me.

# I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy
Eight pounds!

# Yankee Doodle do or die
12lb 9oz! A big one!

# A real, live nephew of my Uncle Sam

# Born on the Fourth of July

Three pounds?
Someone couldn't wait to be here.

Did that really happen?
Nah, I just lip-synced Born to Run.

The show is about to start.
Is Daddy still parking the car?

Yes, everything takes him
longer these days.

His cataracts are getting worse.



Hey, Lois, look over there.
It's Jessica Chastain.

Oh, Daddy,
that's Bryce Dallas Howard.

You're blind as a bat.

OK, for the first of
our 65 performances tonight..

(AUDIENCE GROANS)
WOMAN: You gotta be kidding!

MAN: Son of a bitch! I agree.
Now please welcome Meg Griffin

and Ruth "Cock-hammer". No laughing.

RUTH: It's "Coke-a-mer"!
Not in the boys' room, it isn't.

(HIP-HOP ACCOMPANIMENT PLAYING)

# One, two, three and to the four

Meg Meggy Meg
and Dr Ruth is at the door #

Wake up, people.
Monsanto is poisoning the world

with frankenfoods,
and we're letting it happen.

Monsanto equals murder!
Monsanto equals murder!

That's enough. I am so sick of this
being used as a platform to attack

genetically modified foods.
You can't silence the truth!

What, what?
It's over, Patty.

PETER: Hi, Patty! I like Patty.

OK, up next, here's Evelyn Fong,
our 11-year-old high-school junior.

(APPLAUSE)

Oh, my God. What is that? It's...

It's the most beautiful thing
I've ever heard.

It's a violin, Peter.

And now, two football players
are going to do something

that only makes sense
to the rest of the football team.

Coach, the bus is here.
This is an away game?

(ALL LAUGHING)
It's true! Remember, that happened!

(CHUCKLES)
Those are the kids I bought beer for.

I gotta take a leak. You can't see.
Let me help you to the bathroom.

I can see fine.

All right, there's only
so many seats on the bus.

One of you will have to
sit next to me.

I will, Coach.
(FOOTBALL TEAM LAUGHS)

PLAYER: Oh, he talked
on the whole bus ride!

(LAUGHS)

How are you, gentlemen?
Dude! What the hell? Whoa!

With cataracts like those, someone
needs a big pair of glasses.

Hey! Jessica Chastain!

I'm glad you finally agreed
to have the cataract surgery, Daddy.

I wish I hadn't. I can't see
anything now. This is terrible!

Well, that...that's why
the whole family came to
support you.

Oh, really?
Oh, wow, that's so kind. Who's here?

Oh, uh, well, as you know, I'm here.
Who else?

Uh, Stewie and Brian.
Hey, hope you feel better soon.

That doesn't sound
like the whole family.

Hey, hope those eyes
get better soon, Pop.

It's me, Peter. Shipoopi.
Oh, thanks for coming, Peter.

(AS CHRIS)
I...I'm here, too, Grandpa.

(NORMAL VOICE)
And, uh, and Meg went down to...

to put money in the meter.
I don't care.

Now, Mr Pewterschmidt,
your vision will be impaired

for a few weeks while you recover.
I recommend you and your wife have

someone around
to help you during this time.

Well, I'd love to help you, Daddy,

but Stewie's just been
so fussy lately.

He's constantly crying
for no reason.

What are you talking about?
I'm fine... Ow! Bitch!

She does this a lot!

You know,
maybe Brian could help you.
He could be your service dog.

Come on, Lois,
I don't want to do that.

Your father and I have
nothing in common. Brian, please.

If you do this for me,
you'll be a hero,

just like King Arthur when he pulled
the sword from the stone.

(LOUD FART)

Oh, yeah! Whew!
(FARTING CONTINUES)

Oh, God, this is embarrassing.
I'm so sorry. It's been, like,
500 years.

Aw, this is your big moment
and I'm ruining it.

Peter, what the hell are you doing?

I'm learning violin.
It's kind of like my new hobby.

Well, if we're talking
about new hobbies...

What is this? It's a Mason jar
filled with layered sand.

You can put it in your bathroom
or anywhere you want
to feel peaceful.

Now it's nothing.

I always liked the violin, cos
it kind of has curves like a lady.

Hey, you know what? Maybe you guys
could learn an instrument, too,

and we could play together.
That sounds like a lot of work.

Yeah, no offence, muchacho,

but I don't know if I have time
for that, muchacho.

Yeah, you're doing "muchacho" wrong.
Come on, guys, it could be cool.

I did play the oboe in high school,

and the girls wouldn't
leave me alone.

Girls do like guys in a band.
I'm in. Giggity.

Oh, Quagmire, you are so predictable.
And that's why I love you, muchacho.

See, that's how you do "muchacho".

And, you know, there's four of us.
We could be a string quartet.

All right, I'll do it. But first
you guys got to do one thing for me.

Sure, Joe, what is it?
I want you to put me in the booth.

I want to feel like
a person for a second.

Aw, yeah, sure, no problem.

Quagmire, you do upper,
I'll do lower? Sure, let's do it.

(GRUNTING)

Wow, thanks, guys.

Uh-oh.

(THUD)
Hey, guys, guys, put him back up.
I just thought of something.

(PLAYS DESCENDING NOTE) (THUD)

(LAUGHS) This is gonna be a blast.

Mr Pewterschmidt,
your service dog has arrived.

Hey, Carter. Brian!
You have a butler?

Then why am I here?
Why can't he help you?

That's stupid.
Who would announce him?

This, right here, this is
the one-percenter crap
I can't stand. Yes, it is.

Now sit your 99-percenter ass down
and read me the comics.

(SIGHS) OK. The Wizard of Id
is addressing his subjects.

Is he up on that balcony? Yes.
Ha-ha! Then it's a good one.

(ALL PLAYING OUT OF TUNE)

OK, hang on, hang on, hang on.
Peter, what note are you playing?

I'm sorry, I'm not familiar... Note?
Haven't you been practising?

All right, fine, I haven't.
But I've been doing
other violin stuff.

Like, I bought this jacket
like what Bugs Bunny wears

when he's with that opera guy.
Wow, that looks sharp.

Yeah, I've been practising
how to sit down in it.

Ew, Peter, those tails
are soaking wet.

They may have been in the toilet.

Brian! Get in here!
What's up, what do you need?

I'm done with my bath.
Put on this lady wig
and help me out of the tub.

What? Why do I have to wear a wig?
Otherwise it's weird.

Thank you, Penelope.
Hey, it's 4:30. Time for dinner.

But first, grab that Gold Bond
and powder my speed bag.

Ah, there's the tingle.

(HORNS BLARING)

Wow, so you can just
bypass all that gridlock?

Having a helicopter's amazing!
And that's not all. I also use it

to throw boxes of frogs
down on that church. They go bananas!

Boy, I could really get used
to this rich guy stuff.

# Funny, funny, funny
what money can do

# Them that have it
get more of it

# The less they need it
The more they love it

# And it sticks to them like glue

# Funny, funny, funny
what money can do

# Ask the rich man, he'll confess

# Money can't buy happiness

# Ask the poor man, he don't doubt

# But he'd rather be miserable
with than without

# If you spend it, please be wiser

# If you save it, you're a miser

# You don't want it, you're cuckoo

# Funny, funny, funny
what money can do #

You guys, I got great news!
Some skank I used to bang
is getting married,

and they need someone
to play at the ceremony.

We got our first gig!
Wow, that's awesome!

All right, then we should probably
practise our piece.

(PLAYING OUT OF TUNE)

Wait, hold on, hold on.
Peter, uh, that's terrible.

You sounded like
you were strangling a cat.

Well, I was. That's how
I got revved up to perform.

No, just now. It's clear that
you still haven't practised at all.

Yeah, this was your idea
in the first place,

but you're the only one
who's done no work. No work?

I stared in a mirror for hours

playing air violin
to the song Bitter Sweet Symphony.

Peter, you're out of the group.
What?

Well, fine, screw you guys!

(DOOR SLAMS)
Wow, he seemed pretty angry.

Yeah, I haven't seen him this upset

since he got caught
using that fake ID.

Can I see your ID, please?

Give me one second.

(Uh, sir, that lady who came in
and ate all the pies is back.)

OK, let's see
how those eyes are doing.

See if you can tell me
where Waldo is.

He's right there,
buying an ice-cream cone.

Dammit! I've been stuck on that page
for two days.

Oh, and your eyes are fine.
Hey, that's terrific, Carter!

Seems like it's time to go home
and pour some of that Scotch
of yours to celebrate.

That sounds like a great idea.
See you later. Wait, wait, wait.

What are you talking about?
I meant both of us.

Didn't you hear him? I'm all healed.
I don't need a service dog any more.

What are you saying?
I'm saying I'm done with you.

Now, before I go, I'm just gonna
old-man drink this glass of water.

(SIGHS DEEPLY)

(SIGHS DEEPLY)

(SIGHS DEEPLY)
Now to take an old-man pee.

(URINATING INTERMITTENTLY)
Ow, ow, ow.

Ow, ow, ow.

Ow, ow, ow.

Ow, ow, ow.

Ow. Ow.

Oh, Brian, just in time for dinner.
We're having sloppy Joes.

Eh, what else you got?
How about a knuckle sandwich?

If Peter said that, you all would
have lost your minds laughing.

At Carter's house,
if you don't want something heavy,

Etienne will whip you up an egg dish
with some shallots and chanterelles,
or whatever's fresh.

Yeah, I know all about Etienne.
He climbed into my bed
when I was 11.

I'm sure this is a step down
for you, Bri, but now you're back

in the real world
where our poop stinks,
and we all eat garbage.

I guess I got used to being pampered
over at Carter's.

Well, I'd be careful with
your uptown ways.

Some of the other kids
don't like it.

He thinks he's better than us.

What time you going to bed,
fancy boy? I don't know, 9:00?

9:00, Chris.

Look, it's not even about the stuff.
Carter and I became friends.

Wait a minute! Of course!
Whatever you're going to say next,
I bet it's wrong.

I offended Carter
by offering to work for him.

I mean, once it became a friendship,
he didn't want me working for him.

He wanted a pal.
Brian, you're not kidding anyone.

We all know you don't care
about Carter, only his money.

No, no, no. He knows I'm his friend.

Yeah, right. That's what
Woody thought about Buzz Lightyear.

(GASPS) Bo Peep!
What...What's going on here?

Um... You've got a friend in me?

What are you doing here? I thought
you were rehearsing with the guys.

Nah, the bastards kicked me out
cos I'm not good enough.

Oh, and they also taught me that if
your hand is bigger than your face,
you have cancer.

So maybe you should, uh,
you know, do the test.

I had cancer, Peter, remember?

I was in the hospital.
You weren't there for it.

Well, maybe you have it again.
I'm not falling for your trick,

but if you're upset about the guys
kicking you out of the group,

you can't really blame them.
The violin takes discipline
and dedication.

You never even practised.

They probably thought
you were wasting their time.

Maybe you're right. I guess...

I could have been more serious
about it. Well, it's not too late.

Maybe you could find a teacher
who could help you learn,

and if you work at it
and get a little better,
they'll see you care about them.

That's a great idea!
I'll take some lessons.

I'm gonna work really hard,
just like my deodorant.

How does a guy like me stay fresh?

I use Fat Guys Deodorant.
Whether you're sitting, leaning,

lying down or sitting,
Fat Guys keeps ya dry.

Apply every five minutes,
and you're good for five minutes.

And now for the confusing
commercial backstory.

Ready for the fund-raiser, dad?
Yeah, be right there, buddy.

We're going to a fund-raiser,
and we share a bedroom.

Mr Pewterschmidt,
you have a visitor.

Hey, buddy, looking good!
So, what are we drinking?

Or better yet,
why aren't we drinking?

Get the hell out of here!
I told you I'm done with you!

And besides, I'm off to the spa
down at the club.

How's the temp? Good and hot?

Oh, yeah, that's the stuff.

Hey, did you also not wash your ass
before getting in?

Yeah, (BLEEP) that sign.

There you go, Mr Glenn. Thanks.

Hey, can I get a couple of extras
of these plastic bags?

Let me just test this out quickly.

Yeah, that works. OK, now you go.

I have to get back to
teaching violin lesson.

(PLAYING SCALES SHAKILY)

Those scales sound terrible!
You fat and lazy! You leave now!

No, please! I gotta get better
so I can be as good as my friends.

I really let 'em down.

You fingers no bleeding.
You no try hard enough!

You want me press iron
on your back again?

I'm trying! I'm trying!
Try harder! Play better!

(SOBBING)

(SCREAMS)
Is somebody making a Cuban sandwich?

(MUTTERING) Lousy no-good rotten
frassum-rassum...

(GRUMBLING GIBBERISH)

Brian, what's up? Why are you
engaging in cartoon profanity?

Carter wants nothing to do with me.
I'm just so mad.

Don't you mean sad?
You know, about the friendship?

Oh, no, of course, you mean
mad about the money.

All right, fine,
it was about the money.
I miss the money. Yes, I know.

I saw all your Instagrams
on his helicopter

like it was your helicopter.
I never said it was mine.

Yeah, never said it wasn't.
The implication was that it was
a regular part of your life.

Anyway, I know
this makes me sound awful,

but I almost wish Carter was
still blind so he'd still need me.

Yeah, but he's not.

But he could be.

But he isn't.
But he should be.

Oh, no. Come on, it'd be temporary,

just until he realises
I'm a great hang.

But you're not,
so I don't want any part of this.

OK, I get it, I get it.
Nah, you wouldn't want to help me.

What was I thinking?
He...He's your grandfather.

Even though he did say
that thing about you.

What? What did he say about me?
Oh, I'm sorry. I thought I told you.

Um, he said you couldn't cut it
as a member of One Direction. What?

But they have an opening!
Zayn is gone!

He does know Zayn is gone, right?
Oh, he definitely knows.

Yeah, he thinks you could be
in O-Town, but not One Direction.

OK, I'm pretty sure
you're manipulating me,
but let's go blind that old bastard.

Listen, Peter, we know you've been
working hard on the violin,

but more importantly,
you're our pal,

and we'd like you
to be back in the group. Really?

What if I'm not good enough?
Well, that's the thing.

We decided we'd rather be lousy
with you than great without you.

Joe, no offence, but I'd prefer
to hear it from someone else.

That's fair.
So, what do you say, Peter?

Will you come and play
the wedding with us?

Oh, you bet I will! Oh, thanks!
You guys won't regret this.

And don't you worry, I'll be ready,

unlike Lois getting dressed
for a night out.

Tell them the truth!
(WHIMPERING)

It's me. It's me. I'm the one
who takes too long to get ready.

It's cos I don't have
any nice clothes.

Peter! All right.
It's cos I don't like the way I look.

OK, Brian, Carter's in the shower.

As soon as he comes out,
we spray this right in his eyes.

What did you put in there again?
Oh, it's just tap water
from Flint, Michigan.

(GRUNTS)

# And that's how
the penis song goes #

(SCREAMS) Son of a bitch, my eyes!

(You're up.)
Carter, what happened?

You look like you could
use some help. Ah! My face!

(SCREAMING)

Oh, my God!
What did I let money do to me?

Who did this? Who are you?
Carter, it's me, Brian.

I did this, and it's made me realise

that I was blinded
by luxury and comfort,

but now I see that
none of that matters if I don't...

Brian, Brian, hold on.

Looks like we've learned a lot,
and my face is better.

God, I'm so nervous. You sure
you guys want me to play with you?

Yes, Peter. You play away.

We're a quartet.
Just do the best you can.

You may kiss the bride.

(ALL PLAYING WEDDING MARCH)

(PLAYS COMPLICATED SOLO)

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

Peter, that was amazing! I know.
Those lessons really paid off!

I'll say. The way you play, we'll
have more gigs than we can handle.

Not a chance. Mr Washy-Washy
took all the joy out of this.

I hate the violin, I hate music,

I hate life, and I'm never
doing this again.

All right, guys, let's go drink
a bunch of free booze

and be a huge presence
in the wedding photos.

# THE FOUR SEASONS:
December, '63 (Oh, What A Night)

subtitles by Deluxe

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