Family Guy (1998–…): Season 16, Episode 18 - HTTPete - full transcript
Peter adopts the millennial lifestyle, attracting the attention of a high-powered Silicon Valley executive.
# It seems today
# That all you see
# Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
# But where are those good
old-fashioned values
# On which we used to rely?
# Lucky there's a family guy
# Lucky there's a man who
# Positively can do
# All the things that make us
# Laugh and cry
# He's a
# Family
# Guy #
TV: 'We now return to Sesame Street,
now on HBO.'
'Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.
Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.
Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.'
Oh, hi, you guys. How was school?
Honestly, Mom,
today was kind of weird.
Every kid in had to write a list
of five reasons
Principal Shepherd is cool
and have their parents sign it.
What? That seems crazy.
One time, I saw him pee in a urinal
with his hands on his hips.
That's pretty boss.
Why would the principal make
all the students do that?
I don't know. I think he's going
through a tough time.
He's in the middle of a bad divorce.
What? How do you know that?
He's actually been pretty open
about it.
PRINCIPAL: 'Good morning, students.
Today at 3:30, James Woods High will
be hosting a cross-country meet,
which also happens to be where
Lorraine has threatened
to take my children,
across the country.
And here's today's
Tuesday Trivia question:
Does this sound like yelling?
Because, apparently,
this sounds to some people
like yelling.'
All right, finally some peace
and quiet,
so I can buckle down
and get some writing done.
(DRUMS PLAYING OFFBEAT)
Hey, Bonnie!
What?
Listen to this. Say,
"It's all been a pack of lies."
What? Why?
Just do it! Just say,
"It's all been a pack of lies.
"It's all been a pack of lies.
(DRUM INTRO FROM "IN THE AIR TONIGHT"
BY PHIL COLLINS)
That sounded really good.
Thanks, babe.
Hey, you know what that song's about?
Phil Collins watching some guy
watch another guy drown.
And then, the next night,
he invited the watching guy
to be in the front row of his concert
so he could sing it right to him
and they could arrest the guy!
Really?
Why wouldn't he have just helped
the guy who was drowning?
I don't know, I think he
was on a bridge or something.
Like, he could see it, but he
couldn't get there in time.
But he let a whole day pass?
Why didn't he call the cops?
Cos he was busy writing the song!
Wait. If he just watched, doesn't
that also make him a little guilty?
I'm not saying we wouldn't bring
Phil Collins in for questioning.
I feel like maybe this story
is bogus.
Hang on, let me check Snopes.
Yeah, none of that happened.
Ugh!
Hey. What's up? Well,
I'm trying to work on a sequel
to The Old Man And The Sea.
Are you...?
Are you allowed to do that?
But I can't get anything done.
It's so damn loud around here.
That's what Hemingway
used to complain about.
"This Spanish Civil War
is just too loud.
How am I supposed
to get anything done?"
No, I mean, it might sound silly,
but I used to daydream
that by now I'd have my own place
by a lake somewhere,
an oasis where I could go to write.
Pay the bills
by renting out the rooms.
Oh, like a B&B? That could be fun.
What are you talking about?
I'm talking about you and me
opening a B&B.
Are you serious? That'd be great!
Sure. It'll be fun.
Let's give it a try.
Can't be any worse
than when I was
on the Night's Watch.
Hey, guys, you all want to say
the oath again?
Ugh!
Oof!
Ugh!
For the watch.
Ugh!
For the watch.
Ugh!
For the watch.
Ugh! Oh.
Hi, Brian.
I'm the boring storyline of the fat
guy that's watching that girl.
And I'm Ballers.
Ow! Ow! Agh! Ah-ha!
I totally get it.
You're right to do this.
Well, well, if it isn't Meg Griffin.
Leave me alone, you guys.
Relax. We're taking the day off
from bullying.
Oh, thank God.
Very funny. Who put the Ark
of the Covenant in here?
(LAUGHTER)
Meg is so stupid.
She couldn't handle the glory
of God's love.
Students, faculty and staff
of James Woods High,
does anyone know how to push down
the backseat of a Highlander?
I know I can make a bed in there,
I just don't know how.
Oh, my God, Principal Shepherd,
what's wrong?
I just listened to two hours
of butt-dialled sex
between my wife
and the ADT alarm guy.
Why didn't you just hang up?
(VOICE BREAKING): Because I miss
the sound of her voice.
(SOBBING): Ohh! Oh, my God!
SCHOOL SECRETARY OVER PA: 'Principal
Shepherd, your wife is on the line.
She says, "Uh! Uh! Oh, God, harder.'
Man, I still can't get over
how perfect this place is.
I know, it's going to be such
a darling B&B.
I got the boiler up and running,
Mr Griffin.
We don't have one. I can't wait to
see what you've done in the cellar.
Oh, also, please rub the "H"
and the "C" off all the knobs,
so people won't know
what the hell's going on.
I want the first four minutes
of every shower
to be confusion and anger.
Welcome, members
of our school community.
Let's call to order this emergency
meeting of the school board
regarding
Principal Shepherd's meltdown.
I know a number of our students
have felt "traumatised"
by the events of this week!
And we take those concerns
very seriously.
Lois, I'm done with my gum.
I don't want it.
But I'm done with it.
Peter, sshh.
I'll take it.
So, due to his erratic behaviour,
we have placed Principal Shepherd
on indefinite paid leave.
Typically, Vice-Principal McGuire
would step in.
However,
I was informed earlier today
that she was found dead in her car.
(MAN COUGHS)
Therefore, the board is seeking
a parent volunteer
to serve as interim principal
until a permanent replacement
can be found.
Lois, maybe I should do it.
I've always wanted a job
where I can let my dandruff go wild.
What? No way. I'm not having my dad
be the principal. How embarrassing!
No offense, Peter, but I don't know
if you should be running a school.
What are you talking about?
I'm a natural leader.
That's why I'm so good
at leading Simon Says.
Simon says, "Leave the band."
Yeah, I don't know. Well,
you know what? You guys are wrong.
And I'm gonna prove it to you.
Again, any volunteers?
I'll be your new principal!
Wonderful. Why don't you come on up
and introduce yourself.
All right. James Woods High
cheerleaders, give me a hand!
Whoo!
(CHANTING): Check. Him out.
Check, check him out.
My name is Peter.
Check.
That ain't no lie.
Check.
I go pop, pop, fizz, fizz,
oh, how sweet it is.
Check! Check!
I'm done with this gum now.
I don't want it.
But I'm done with it.
Mom, why was this Listerine
in the garbage?
Your father says he doesn't need it
now that he's
a high school principal.
Oh, my God,
he's not really doing that, is he?
I'm only gonna
get bullied worse now.
Hello, Breakfast Club. (CHUCKLES)
As a principal,
I like to start each morning
with a reference from last century.
Dad, I don't want you to do this.
Too late.
I've already been practicing
giving students awkward
and unco-ordinated high fives.
Chris, if I may?
Yay! Two fingers and
side-of-the-palm contact. Perfect!
All right,
I got to get to work by 7:40
cos that's when high school starts
for some reason.
See you at the way-too-early
10:40 lunch.
(GROANS)
I feel you, Meg.
Shut up.
You shut up!
(GUESTS CHATTERING)
Wow, look at us. Running a B&B.
Yes, so far,
all the guests seem very happy.
Hi, we're checking out.
Just charge my card.
Weird. That's the fifth couple
to check out after only an hour.
Hi, we'd like a room, please.
Wait, weren't you just here
a moment ago with a different man?
Oh, crap.
Stewie, the only people checking
in are here
to have sex with prostitutes.
What? Nonsense. Well, then why are
they all signing the guest book
and writing quaint things
like, "Railed Crystal good"?
Oh...
Damn it, this is awful.
How could I have not noticed sooner?
I mean, it's more obvious than when
George Takei was in the closet.
Hey, George, how are you?
I am a heterosexual.
I love vaginas.
Num, num, num, num, num.
So, what are you doing tonight?
Hopefully, choking
on some lovely lady parts.
Oh, nummers.
All right, that sounds fun.
See you later.
I am a heterosexual.
Good morning, children. I am your
interim principal, Mr Griffin.
And to show I'm a fun principal, I'm
gonna do the Ice Bucket Challenge.
Three years too late, but right on
time for a principal.
And making no less sense
than it did when it was current.
(LAUGHING AND CHEERING)
You're welcome,
person who's probably already dead.
But, hey, now I got something even
more fun. How about we all do
an expertly choreographed lip-dub
to a popular song?
# MARK RONSON FEATURING BRUNO MARS:
Uptown Funk
# This hit, that ice cold
# Michelle Pfeiffer, that white gold
# This one for them hood girls
# Them good girls,
straight masterpieces
# Stylin', wilin'
# Livin' it up in the city
Agh! Agh!
# Got to kiss myself, I'm so pretty
# I'm too hot
# Hot damn
# Call the police
and the fireman... #
Ladies, this is my associate.
Brian, bitches. Bitches, Brian.
What...? What's all this?
This, Brian,
is called diversification.
You see, if our guests insist on
bringing prostitutes into our B&B,
we might as well provide the women,
too.
What? Stewie,
we're not gonna become pimps.
Are you sure?
I'm sure.
The answer is no, so don't bother
flashing a wad of money
because there's no way
I'm gonna change my answer.
OK, maybe we could try it out
and see how it goes.
What are you girls doing standing
around?! Get to work!
Ha-ha! I'm telling you,
that dog is very easily persuaded.
Now, let's see what's going on
at the old high school.
Ooh!
Doo-ooh!
Hey, guys, guys.
When Borat was making announcements
over the P A this morning,
that was me.
What?!
Shut the front door.
(IMITATING BORAT):
Taco Tuesday is nice.
MEG: Knock it off!
Give me back my lunch.
What do we got here?
Grape juice in a Ziploc bag?
I have to make my own Capri Suns.
Ugh!
Hey, stupid, what are you doing?
That's my daughter!
Yeah?
What are you gonna do about it?
I'll knock your teeth
down your throat
and out your butt,
you little bastard!
(LAUGHS) Oh, you think that's funny,
him spilling juice on the floor?
This will make people's sneakers
sticky,
and we'll have to listen to -
(IMITATES STICKY SHOES) - all day.
Well, I won't have it. Lick that up!
What? A-Are you serious?
Yeah, I'm serious. I'm the principal!
Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed.
What are you talking about? That
jerk is getting what he deserves.
Yeah, Meg, now that your dad's
the principal,
you could finally have power
over the bullies.
Now, you little punks get to class.
And if you see Miss Millikan,
tell her I said, "Hey, what's up?"
Huh. Maybe you're right.
Wow, Dad, that was really something.
Miss Millikan's just a friend.
Oh, I don't mean that.
I mean the way you handled those
guys that were picking on me.
Really? I felt like I kind of lost
my cool there.
Not at all. That's what
you've got to do more of.
You were like a real
principal there. I was?
Yeah. In fact, if you're gonna lead
this school,
you've got to know
that kids need discipline.
Especially kids like them. And
their friends, Jeremy and Bridget.
Oh, really? Where might I find
this Jeremy and Bridget?
I don't know.
Study hall, second floor?
(CHATTERING)
All right, listen up, maggots!
Fun's over!
There's gonna be changes
around here,
and what better way
to show you I'm serious
than to smash a desk
with a baseball bat?
Agh!
Agh!
Agh!
Agh!
(GRUNTS)
Agh!
Agh!
(STRAINS)
Agh! Agh!
(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
OK, we'll pick this up on Monday.
Do any of you know my wife Lois?
Tell her I'm on the bats and to come
get me. She'll know what it means.
Let's go. Keep it moving.
Get to class.
Hey, you. You salute that flag
when you walk by, kid.
Loads of people fought for that
thing, including yours truly.
Y-You were in the service?
I may have misunderstood
what "yours truly" means.
Hey, Dad, listen.
The four of us got together last
night, and we came up with a list
of 11 students and two teachers that
you need to do something about.
Maybe you should start
with Mark Rutledge. What'd he do?
He wouldn't kiss Ruth
at the Sadie Hawkins dance,
even though she bought him dinner
at Walt's Roast Beef.
Well, I don't see how that's got
anything- And he called you fat.
I'm gonna squish him! That's right.
Don't take any crap from anyone.
Oh, I won't.
I'm gonna take down all these punks,
just like I did in my 1980s crime
series, Gary Ratowski, Hockey Cop.
Give me that purse!
Hey, criminals.
Puck you!
(SKATES CLACKING ON CEMENT)
Get the puck out of my neighbourhood.
Go puck yourself.
(SIREN WAILING)
Uh-oh, here come the real cops.
'ANNOUNCER: Hockey Cop. Not a cop.'
All right, ladies, I'm going to put
this as gently as I can,
but it appears that someone's rectum
fell out on the stairs.
Now, whose is it? Be honest.
All right, that's fine.
But let's just agree on a rule
that if your rectum falls out on the
stairs, it's on you to pick it up.
Look at that, Brian.
Our day has just begun,
and there's a line out the door.
I know, we're raking it in.
This is a hell of a lot easier
than when I delivered pizza
in New Orleans.
(BAND PLAYS DIXIELAND JAZZ)
What the hell?
# We're all just blocking the street
# We're all just
blocking the street...
Come on,
I got to deliver this pizza.
# Five trumpets do the job of one
# We're all just blocking
the street...
I need to be there in 30 minutes.
It's a company promise!
# Half the band isn't in the band
# We're all just blocking
the street... Oh, thank God.
# One of us dropped a contact lens
# We're going back
to block the street... Ah, screw it.
# We won't stop blocking the street
# Never stop
blocking the street... #
OK, so I think Lee Blanding
gets detention.
And for Jason O'Neil, maybe you
could pants him during an assembly.
Yes, good. I like that.
Oh, hi, you two.
What are you working on?
Oh, nothing. I, um...
I'm just helping Dad
with his schedule for tomorrow.
You know,
he's really doing a great job.
He's actually made the school
a lot better.
Huh. Well, I got to admit
I was sceptical,
but it sounds like things
are going pretty well down there.
You bet they are. They'll go even
better after the purge. The what?
Hey, Meg, how about one of these?
(GRUNTING) One of them things, yeah?
Peter, what the hell are you doing?
Uh, he's just saying
he wants to use his key...
to drive me to school tomorrow
in his car.
Peter, what exactly are you doing
down at that school?
I'll tell you what I'm doing.
I'm doing a great job, like
when I was a pro football kicker.
(CROWD CHEERING) Yay!
Now I can fist bump with black guys.
Nailed it, Peter!
There you go!
Yeah! We going to the club tonight?
Not you!
OK!
Hey, Brian, what's a "splat job"?
I don't...I don't know, Stewie. I'm
worried that you're seeing too much.
Morning, ladies. Were the paramedics
able to resuscitate Lamar Odom?
They're still working on it.
He's tall, get it? OK, show's over.
Everybody back to work.
Yeah, about that. We got to talk.
Oh, uh, sure. What's up?
We just realised we can keep
all the money, take your house,
and kill you if you try
to do anything about it.
All right, we're just gonna step
outside and figure out a counter.
(DOOR LOCK CLICKS)
And they locked us out.
What about my loaf
of cinnamon raisin bread?!
It's mine!
It's not for the whole house!
Let's just go. They won.
Oh, we'll see about that.
Hello, I'd like to report a brothel
operating on Route 6,
near Round Hill Road.
Thank you.
You want to eat mangled raisin bread
across the street
and watch the cops raid the place?
Yeah, I'd like that.
(SIRENS WAILING)
(GLASS SHATTERS)
(CLATTERING AND WOMEN SCREAMING)
Oh, here comes the UPS guy.
Oh, I bet he's delivering those
marmalade jars we ordered.
Doesn't that feel
like a million years ago?
Yeah, we don't need those anymore.
Sorry, just send them back.
You can just do that? Oh, yeah,
you can just refuse delivery.
You've never done that?
I-I genuinely did not know
you could do that.
Well, you can. Anything you order.
If you don't sign for it,
it has to go back. Everyone does it.
Most of what America is now
is just boxes going back and forth.
Students, this is a chair
without a seat.
Jeff Banfield, I'd like you
to please come down here,
take your pants off and sit.
Me? What did I do?
You know what you did, Jeff!
I don't even know what's going on!
Just go, or he'll start hitting
that trash can with a spoon again.
That means now, Mr Banfield!
What is going on here?
Just a little of the three
"R" s Reading, Writing
and Wrecking this guy's sack.
The school board received
a very serious complaint.
Mr Griffin, you are hereby relieved
of your duties.
(GASPS) A promotion?
No, you're fired.
We've reinstated Principal Shepherd.
Wait, he's back? But he had that
crazy meltdown about his divorce.
Yes, but then I went
on a sex trip to Thailand,
and I banged all the goofy
right out of me.
Wait. Dad's fired? Who did this?
Who turned him in?
I did.
PATTY: Hi, Mrs Griffin!
Hi. Hi, Patty.
Why, Mom?
Because what you and your father
have been doing is wrong.
We'll talk about this at home.
Well, I guess your mom
was right all along.
I had no business running a school.
Can I be honest with you, Dad?
I thought you were awesome.
You stood up for all the kids
who get picked on.
You stood up for me.
Wow, so so you think I did a good job
being principal?
No, you did a good job being my dad.
Come on, Meg, let's go home.
And next time I want to get back
at your bullies,
I'll do it the old-fashioned way.
As a grown man beating up teenagers
in a parking lot.
I'm planning on dying tonight.
What are your plans?
(THUNDER CRASHES)
subtitles by Deluxe
# That all you see
# Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
# But where are those good
old-fashioned values
# On which we used to rely?
# Lucky there's a family guy
# Lucky there's a man who
# Positively can do
# All the things that make us
# Laugh and cry
# He's a
# Family
# Guy #
TV: 'We now return to Sesame Street,
now on HBO.'
'Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.
Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.
Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.'
Oh, hi, you guys. How was school?
Honestly, Mom,
today was kind of weird.
Every kid in had to write a list
of five reasons
Principal Shepherd is cool
and have their parents sign it.
What? That seems crazy.
One time, I saw him pee in a urinal
with his hands on his hips.
That's pretty boss.
Why would the principal make
all the students do that?
I don't know. I think he's going
through a tough time.
He's in the middle of a bad divorce.
What? How do you know that?
He's actually been pretty open
about it.
PRINCIPAL: 'Good morning, students.
Today at 3:30, James Woods High will
be hosting a cross-country meet,
which also happens to be where
Lorraine has threatened
to take my children,
across the country.
And here's today's
Tuesday Trivia question:
Does this sound like yelling?
Because, apparently,
this sounds to some people
like yelling.'
All right, finally some peace
and quiet,
so I can buckle down
and get some writing done.
(DRUMS PLAYING OFFBEAT)
Hey, Bonnie!
What?
Listen to this. Say,
"It's all been a pack of lies."
What? Why?
Just do it! Just say,
"It's all been a pack of lies.
"It's all been a pack of lies.
(DRUM INTRO FROM "IN THE AIR TONIGHT"
BY PHIL COLLINS)
That sounded really good.
Thanks, babe.
Hey, you know what that song's about?
Phil Collins watching some guy
watch another guy drown.
And then, the next night,
he invited the watching guy
to be in the front row of his concert
so he could sing it right to him
and they could arrest the guy!
Really?
Why wouldn't he have just helped
the guy who was drowning?
I don't know, I think he
was on a bridge or something.
Like, he could see it, but he
couldn't get there in time.
But he let a whole day pass?
Why didn't he call the cops?
Cos he was busy writing the song!
Wait. If he just watched, doesn't
that also make him a little guilty?
I'm not saying we wouldn't bring
Phil Collins in for questioning.
I feel like maybe this story
is bogus.
Hang on, let me check Snopes.
Yeah, none of that happened.
Ugh!
Hey. What's up? Well,
I'm trying to work on a sequel
to The Old Man And The Sea.
Are you...?
Are you allowed to do that?
But I can't get anything done.
It's so damn loud around here.
That's what Hemingway
used to complain about.
"This Spanish Civil War
is just too loud.
How am I supposed
to get anything done?"
No, I mean, it might sound silly,
but I used to daydream
that by now I'd have my own place
by a lake somewhere,
an oasis where I could go to write.
Pay the bills
by renting out the rooms.
Oh, like a B&B? That could be fun.
What are you talking about?
I'm talking about you and me
opening a B&B.
Are you serious? That'd be great!
Sure. It'll be fun.
Let's give it a try.
Can't be any worse
than when I was
on the Night's Watch.
Hey, guys, you all want to say
the oath again?
Ugh!
Oof!
Ugh!
For the watch.
Ugh!
For the watch.
Ugh!
For the watch.
Ugh! Oh.
Hi, Brian.
I'm the boring storyline of the fat
guy that's watching that girl.
And I'm Ballers.
Ow! Ow! Agh! Ah-ha!
I totally get it.
You're right to do this.
Well, well, if it isn't Meg Griffin.
Leave me alone, you guys.
Relax. We're taking the day off
from bullying.
Oh, thank God.
Very funny. Who put the Ark
of the Covenant in here?
(LAUGHTER)
Meg is so stupid.
She couldn't handle the glory
of God's love.
Students, faculty and staff
of James Woods High,
does anyone know how to push down
the backseat of a Highlander?
I know I can make a bed in there,
I just don't know how.
Oh, my God, Principal Shepherd,
what's wrong?
I just listened to two hours
of butt-dialled sex
between my wife
and the ADT alarm guy.
Why didn't you just hang up?
(VOICE BREAKING): Because I miss
the sound of her voice.
(SOBBING): Ohh! Oh, my God!
SCHOOL SECRETARY OVER PA: 'Principal
Shepherd, your wife is on the line.
She says, "Uh! Uh! Oh, God, harder.'
Man, I still can't get over
how perfect this place is.
I know, it's going to be such
a darling B&B.
I got the boiler up and running,
Mr Griffin.
We don't have one. I can't wait to
see what you've done in the cellar.
Oh, also, please rub the "H"
and the "C" off all the knobs,
so people won't know
what the hell's going on.
I want the first four minutes
of every shower
to be confusion and anger.
Welcome, members
of our school community.
Let's call to order this emergency
meeting of the school board
regarding
Principal Shepherd's meltdown.
I know a number of our students
have felt "traumatised"
by the events of this week!
And we take those concerns
very seriously.
Lois, I'm done with my gum.
I don't want it.
But I'm done with it.
Peter, sshh.
I'll take it.
So, due to his erratic behaviour,
we have placed Principal Shepherd
on indefinite paid leave.
Typically, Vice-Principal McGuire
would step in.
However,
I was informed earlier today
that she was found dead in her car.
(MAN COUGHS)
Therefore, the board is seeking
a parent volunteer
to serve as interim principal
until a permanent replacement
can be found.
Lois, maybe I should do it.
I've always wanted a job
where I can let my dandruff go wild.
What? No way. I'm not having my dad
be the principal. How embarrassing!
No offense, Peter, but I don't know
if you should be running a school.
What are you talking about?
I'm a natural leader.
That's why I'm so good
at leading Simon Says.
Simon says, "Leave the band."
Yeah, I don't know. Well,
you know what? You guys are wrong.
And I'm gonna prove it to you.
Again, any volunteers?
I'll be your new principal!
Wonderful. Why don't you come on up
and introduce yourself.
All right. James Woods High
cheerleaders, give me a hand!
Whoo!
(CHANTING): Check. Him out.
Check, check him out.
My name is Peter.
Check.
That ain't no lie.
Check.
I go pop, pop, fizz, fizz,
oh, how sweet it is.
Check! Check!
I'm done with this gum now.
I don't want it.
But I'm done with it.
Mom, why was this Listerine
in the garbage?
Your father says he doesn't need it
now that he's
a high school principal.
Oh, my God,
he's not really doing that, is he?
I'm only gonna
get bullied worse now.
Hello, Breakfast Club. (CHUCKLES)
As a principal,
I like to start each morning
with a reference from last century.
Dad, I don't want you to do this.
Too late.
I've already been practicing
giving students awkward
and unco-ordinated high fives.
Chris, if I may?
Yay! Two fingers and
side-of-the-palm contact. Perfect!
All right,
I got to get to work by 7:40
cos that's when high school starts
for some reason.
See you at the way-too-early
10:40 lunch.
(GROANS)
I feel you, Meg.
Shut up.
You shut up!
(GUESTS CHATTERING)
Wow, look at us. Running a B&B.
Yes, so far,
all the guests seem very happy.
Hi, we're checking out.
Just charge my card.
Weird. That's the fifth couple
to check out after only an hour.
Hi, we'd like a room, please.
Wait, weren't you just here
a moment ago with a different man?
Oh, crap.
Stewie, the only people checking
in are here
to have sex with prostitutes.
What? Nonsense. Well, then why are
they all signing the guest book
and writing quaint things
like, "Railed Crystal good"?
Oh...
Damn it, this is awful.
How could I have not noticed sooner?
I mean, it's more obvious than when
George Takei was in the closet.
Hey, George, how are you?
I am a heterosexual.
I love vaginas.
Num, num, num, num, num.
So, what are you doing tonight?
Hopefully, choking
on some lovely lady parts.
Oh, nummers.
All right, that sounds fun.
See you later.
I am a heterosexual.
Good morning, children. I am your
interim principal, Mr Griffin.
And to show I'm a fun principal, I'm
gonna do the Ice Bucket Challenge.
Three years too late, but right on
time for a principal.
And making no less sense
than it did when it was current.
(LAUGHING AND CHEERING)
You're welcome,
person who's probably already dead.
But, hey, now I got something even
more fun. How about we all do
an expertly choreographed lip-dub
to a popular song?
# MARK RONSON FEATURING BRUNO MARS:
Uptown Funk
# This hit, that ice cold
# Michelle Pfeiffer, that white gold
# This one for them hood girls
# Them good girls,
straight masterpieces
# Stylin', wilin'
# Livin' it up in the city
Agh! Agh!
# Got to kiss myself, I'm so pretty
# I'm too hot
# Hot damn
# Call the police
and the fireman... #
Ladies, this is my associate.
Brian, bitches. Bitches, Brian.
What...? What's all this?
This, Brian,
is called diversification.
You see, if our guests insist on
bringing prostitutes into our B&B,
we might as well provide the women,
too.
What? Stewie,
we're not gonna become pimps.
Are you sure?
I'm sure.
The answer is no, so don't bother
flashing a wad of money
because there's no way
I'm gonna change my answer.
OK, maybe we could try it out
and see how it goes.
What are you girls doing standing
around?! Get to work!
Ha-ha! I'm telling you,
that dog is very easily persuaded.
Now, let's see what's going on
at the old high school.
Ooh!
Doo-ooh!
Hey, guys, guys.
When Borat was making announcements
over the P A this morning,
that was me.
What?!
Shut the front door.
(IMITATING BORAT):
Taco Tuesday is nice.
MEG: Knock it off!
Give me back my lunch.
What do we got here?
Grape juice in a Ziploc bag?
I have to make my own Capri Suns.
Ugh!
Hey, stupid, what are you doing?
That's my daughter!
Yeah?
What are you gonna do about it?
I'll knock your teeth
down your throat
and out your butt,
you little bastard!
(LAUGHS) Oh, you think that's funny,
him spilling juice on the floor?
This will make people's sneakers
sticky,
and we'll have to listen to -
(IMITATES STICKY SHOES) - all day.
Well, I won't have it. Lick that up!
What? A-Are you serious?
Yeah, I'm serious. I'm the principal!
Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed.
What are you talking about? That
jerk is getting what he deserves.
Yeah, Meg, now that your dad's
the principal,
you could finally have power
over the bullies.
Now, you little punks get to class.
And if you see Miss Millikan,
tell her I said, "Hey, what's up?"
Huh. Maybe you're right.
Wow, Dad, that was really something.
Miss Millikan's just a friend.
Oh, I don't mean that.
I mean the way you handled those
guys that were picking on me.
Really? I felt like I kind of lost
my cool there.
Not at all. That's what
you've got to do more of.
You were like a real
principal there. I was?
Yeah. In fact, if you're gonna lead
this school,
you've got to know
that kids need discipline.
Especially kids like them. And
their friends, Jeremy and Bridget.
Oh, really? Where might I find
this Jeremy and Bridget?
I don't know.
Study hall, second floor?
(CHATTERING)
All right, listen up, maggots!
Fun's over!
There's gonna be changes
around here,
and what better way
to show you I'm serious
than to smash a desk
with a baseball bat?
Agh!
Agh!
Agh!
Agh!
(GRUNTS)
Agh!
Agh!
(STRAINS)
Agh! Agh!
(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
OK, we'll pick this up on Monday.
Do any of you know my wife Lois?
Tell her I'm on the bats and to come
get me. She'll know what it means.
Let's go. Keep it moving.
Get to class.
Hey, you. You salute that flag
when you walk by, kid.
Loads of people fought for that
thing, including yours truly.
Y-You were in the service?
I may have misunderstood
what "yours truly" means.
Hey, Dad, listen.
The four of us got together last
night, and we came up with a list
of 11 students and two teachers that
you need to do something about.
Maybe you should start
with Mark Rutledge. What'd he do?
He wouldn't kiss Ruth
at the Sadie Hawkins dance,
even though she bought him dinner
at Walt's Roast Beef.
Well, I don't see how that's got
anything- And he called you fat.
I'm gonna squish him! That's right.
Don't take any crap from anyone.
Oh, I won't.
I'm gonna take down all these punks,
just like I did in my 1980s crime
series, Gary Ratowski, Hockey Cop.
Give me that purse!
Hey, criminals.
Puck you!
(SKATES CLACKING ON CEMENT)
Get the puck out of my neighbourhood.
Go puck yourself.
(SIREN WAILING)
Uh-oh, here come the real cops.
'ANNOUNCER: Hockey Cop. Not a cop.'
All right, ladies, I'm going to put
this as gently as I can,
but it appears that someone's rectum
fell out on the stairs.
Now, whose is it? Be honest.
All right, that's fine.
But let's just agree on a rule
that if your rectum falls out on the
stairs, it's on you to pick it up.
Look at that, Brian.
Our day has just begun,
and there's a line out the door.
I know, we're raking it in.
This is a hell of a lot easier
than when I delivered pizza
in New Orleans.
(BAND PLAYS DIXIELAND JAZZ)
What the hell?
# We're all just blocking the street
# We're all just
blocking the street...
Come on,
I got to deliver this pizza.
# Five trumpets do the job of one
# We're all just blocking
the street...
I need to be there in 30 minutes.
It's a company promise!
# Half the band isn't in the band
# We're all just blocking
the street... Oh, thank God.
# One of us dropped a contact lens
# We're going back
to block the street... Ah, screw it.
# We won't stop blocking the street
# Never stop
blocking the street... #
OK, so I think Lee Blanding
gets detention.
And for Jason O'Neil, maybe you
could pants him during an assembly.
Yes, good. I like that.
Oh, hi, you two.
What are you working on?
Oh, nothing. I, um...
I'm just helping Dad
with his schedule for tomorrow.
You know,
he's really doing a great job.
He's actually made the school
a lot better.
Huh. Well, I got to admit
I was sceptical,
but it sounds like things
are going pretty well down there.
You bet they are. They'll go even
better after the purge. The what?
Hey, Meg, how about one of these?
(GRUNTING) One of them things, yeah?
Peter, what the hell are you doing?
Uh, he's just saying
he wants to use his key...
to drive me to school tomorrow
in his car.
Peter, what exactly are you doing
down at that school?
I'll tell you what I'm doing.
I'm doing a great job, like
when I was a pro football kicker.
(CROWD CHEERING) Yay!
Now I can fist bump with black guys.
Nailed it, Peter!
There you go!
Yeah! We going to the club tonight?
Not you!
OK!
Hey, Brian, what's a "splat job"?
I don't...I don't know, Stewie. I'm
worried that you're seeing too much.
Morning, ladies. Were the paramedics
able to resuscitate Lamar Odom?
They're still working on it.
He's tall, get it? OK, show's over.
Everybody back to work.
Yeah, about that. We got to talk.
Oh, uh, sure. What's up?
We just realised we can keep
all the money, take your house,
and kill you if you try
to do anything about it.
All right, we're just gonna step
outside and figure out a counter.
(DOOR LOCK CLICKS)
And they locked us out.
What about my loaf
of cinnamon raisin bread?!
It's mine!
It's not for the whole house!
Let's just go. They won.
Oh, we'll see about that.
Hello, I'd like to report a brothel
operating on Route 6,
near Round Hill Road.
Thank you.
You want to eat mangled raisin bread
across the street
and watch the cops raid the place?
Yeah, I'd like that.
(SIRENS WAILING)
(GLASS SHATTERS)
(CLATTERING AND WOMEN SCREAMING)
Oh, here comes the UPS guy.
Oh, I bet he's delivering those
marmalade jars we ordered.
Doesn't that feel
like a million years ago?
Yeah, we don't need those anymore.
Sorry, just send them back.
You can just do that? Oh, yeah,
you can just refuse delivery.
You've never done that?
I-I genuinely did not know
you could do that.
Well, you can. Anything you order.
If you don't sign for it,
it has to go back. Everyone does it.
Most of what America is now
is just boxes going back and forth.
Students, this is a chair
without a seat.
Jeff Banfield, I'd like you
to please come down here,
take your pants off and sit.
Me? What did I do?
You know what you did, Jeff!
I don't even know what's going on!
Just go, or he'll start hitting
that trash can with a spoon again.
That means now, Mr Banfield!
What is going on here?
Just a little of the three
"R" s Reading, Writing
and Wrecking this guy's sack.
The school board received
a very serious complaint.
Mr Griffin, you are hereby relieved
of your duties.
(GASPS) A promotion?
No, you're fired.
We've reinstated Principal Shepherd.
Wait, he's back? But he had that
crazy meltdown about his divorce.
Yes, but then I went
on a sex trip to Thailand,
and I banged all the goofy
right out of me.
Wait. Dad's fired? Who did this?
Who turned him in?
I did.
PATTY: Hi, Mrs Griffin!
Hi. Hi, Patty.
Why, Mom?
Because what you and your father
have been doing is wrong.
We'll talk about this at home.
Well, I guess your mom
was right all along.
I had no business running a school.
Can I be honest with you, Dad?
I thought you were awesome.
You stood up for all the kids
who get picked on.
You stood up for me.
Wow, so so you think I did a good job
being principal?
No, you did a good job being my dad.
Come on, Meg, let's go home.
And next time I want to get back
at your bullies,
I'll do it the old-fashioned way.
As a grown man beating up teenagers
in a parking lot.
I'm planning on dying tonight.
What are your plans?
(THUNDER CRASHES)
subtitles by Deluxe