Family Guy (1998–…): Season 15, Episode 8 - Carter and Tricia - full transcript

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

And now,
the Game Show Network presents,

Are We Talking About Jake
Gyllenhaal or Jared Leto?



"I am oily-haired with
dinner-plate eyes."

"I was in that one movie
about the weirdo."

"I somehow look both
deathly ill and ripped."

"I am a less successful
version of Tobey Maguire."

Anyone? No?

"You would totally believe any
story about me being a dick."

I'm changing the channel.
I like both of them.

Peter, did you
see this?

It says here that
Carter Pewterschmidt

has bought the
Pawtucket Patriot Brewery.

Now what's that?

It's where you work, Peter.

Why the hell would Daddy
buy the brewery?

Well, there's children in the
room-- watch your swearing--



but apparently, he's looking
to diversify his holdings.

Wow, Dad. I guess that means
Grandpa's your new boss.

Ah, crap.
I don't want to work for him.

I'd rather work
for Doctor Frankenstein.

(electrical buzzing)

(mutters)

Igor, I did it!
Hold on.

You discovered the power
to create new life,

and you created a guy?

So I should've made a woman so
I could have sex with a corpse?

I don't know, man.

You just shouldn't
have made a guy.

All right, now that
I'm in charge of this brewery,

there's gonna be some changes
around here.

For one thing, no more T-shirts
or dungarees in the work place.

Dungarees are jeans!

Griffin? What are
you doing here?

I... I work here.

You do? No way!

Oh, this is gonna be fun.

Effective immediately,
you're the guy at the office

with a weird ski tan, but
you can't talk about it.

Hey, what, did you go
skiing this weekend?

I'm not allowed
to talk about it.

(humming)

♪ Dog driving a car. ♪

(humming)

(siren chirps)

Aw, damn it.

Morning, Brian.

I'm afraid you
ran a red light.

Your license please.

Ugh. I swear, Joe,

the light was still gray
when I went through it.

Mm-hmm. Are you aware
this is expired?

What?

Brian, step out
of the vehicle.

Wha-Wha... What?
What's going on?

Well, the law's clear.

I have to confiscate
your license,

and you're gonna
have to walk home.

Well, can't you at least
give me a ride?

No can do, amigo.

Ugh. All right, I guess
I'll just call an Uber.

(phone buzzes)

Are you Brian?

Ah, Griffin,
there you are.

I've decided that
as your new boss,

I'm gonna require you to
have a standing desk.

Aw, but I'll look
like such an ass!

And that's not all.

You got to constantly
tell everybody

what a good idea it is,
and how important it is,

and how wrong they are
for having traditional desks.

Can't I just work at it
and mind my own business?

No, you have to be
a freak about it.

Maybe it can just be
my own personal choice,

and-and I'm not judging
others for their choices.

No. You being right means
everyone else is wrong.

That's what your standing desk
is saying to the chair people.

From now on,
you call them "chair people."

Oh, and three times
a day you have to say,

"Sitting is the biggest killer
in America."

(groans)

Good night, Peter.

Good night,
gender-transitioned co-worker

we had a whole
meeting about.

WOMAN: Mr. Pewterschmidt, what
you're ordering is illegal.

I don't care about that.

I want our beer cans made from
the cheapest material possible.

But sir...
What about those metal toilets
where prisoners make wine?

Use those.

But sir, if word got out
about this, it'd be one

of the most notorious
developments in beer history,

second only to Michelob Ultra
Dragon Fruit Peach.

Peter, are you sure you heard
Mr. Pewterschmidt correctly?

He actually said
he wanted cheap, toxic materials

inserted into the brewery's
supply stream?

Well, his eyes looked different

how he said it,
but that was the gist.

Also, some of the brewery
workers say very hurtful things

if a co-worker wears shorts.

Follow the money.

Mr. Griffin, it sounds like

you've brought me
an interesting story.

What should I do
with it, Ollie?

Make it news!

Ah, you got a standing desk,
too?

Sitting's bad!

I know. They don't want
to hear it, though.

WOMAN: Sir, there's
a reporter here to see you.

Is it Kermit the Frog
when he's wearing a trench coat?

That tells you he's a reporter.

("Dream Weaver" plays,
sung in Japanese)

Sir, an anonymous whistleblower
in the brewery says

you've personally ordered
the sourcing of cut-rate,

potentially toxic
canning materials.

God, you're gorgeous.

Mr. Pewterschmidt, I remind you,
this is on the record.

You ever been with a man
who's got a prostate

the size of a beefsteak tomato?

(knocking)

Oh, crap, it's Carter!

I bet he's mad
I told the news about him.

I'll just do what Superman does.

Oh, hey, Carter.

Hello, citizen.
Have you seen Peter?

Aw, he was just here!

Daddy, what's this about?

Did Peter screw something up
at work?

No, I'm here because
I've got important news.

Lois, everyone,
I've left your mother,

and Tricia Takanawa
is moving in with me.

Holy crap!
What?!

I wanted you to know.

I'm in love!

Well, good for you
for being honest, Carter.

It's never good

to keep something
that matters to you a secret.

Tell her about the surf camp
in Belize, Peter.

Tell her you're going.

Tell her it's your dream,
and you deserve it.

Tell her
it'll make you a better father.

What's that, Peter?

Ah, nothing.
Just something stupid.

(engine starts)

You're leaving Babs
for Tricia Takanawa?!

And I've never
been happier!

What about Mom?
Where is Mom?

The sanitarium.
The sanitarium?!

Yeah. I told her
I was leaving her,

and she freaked out
for no reason.

And I'll tell you, I don't know
why they call it a "sanitarium."

That place is
a filthy hell hole.

Oh, my God!
That's awful!

Sorry. What'd you say?
I was texting Tricia.

She just sent me
a picture of her smoothie.

"Looks good, babe."

All right, class,
let's get started.

Stewie, what are you doing?

And why are you dressed
like that?

Because I'm your driver's
ed instructor, Brian.

You're what?
That's right.

I heard you lost
your license,

and I'm gonna help
you get it back.

Uh... okay.

Now, we've got a lot to cover.

But first,
let's watch a safety video

designed to terrorize you into
being a responsible motorist.

(dramatic music plays)

Come on,
kid with a bright future.

I'll give you
a no-seatbelt car ride

after this teen kegger party.

I don't know.

I'm going
to Harvard-Yale tomorrow.

I'd hate to lose it all
because of making poor choices.

Ah, come on, man. I just had
a couple of alcohol beers.

And I'm his girlfriend
'cause he has great genitals.

And I'm impressed
with reckless behavior,

so I'm going to reward him with
my mouth while he's driving.

Now let's smoke
a marijuana cigarette

while I'm speeding
because of a dare.

Hey, careful. I'd hate
for you to be unresponsive

to my pleasuring while you're
driving because of intoxication.

BRIAN: Stewie, is
this about anything

but oral stuff while
you're driving?

STEWIE: It's about all facets
of driving safety, yes.

I'm gonna fast-forward.

(squeaking)

(dramatic music plays, hissing)

What a waste.

I'm a grizzled,
seen-it-all veteran cop,

and I'm shaking my head
at the senseless waste.

Sir, we've done
our police tests.

The driver was being
mouth-pleased

at the moment of impact.

♪ ♪

Lois! Fat Ass!

Family, I want you to
meet Tricia Takanawa.

Hello, everyone.
So happy you came.

Yup, food's
on the table,

and if anyone needs
some dirty underpants,

the vending machine's
right over there.

How nice.

Right where my mother's
China cabinet used to be.

Lois, can I please have a dollar
for the vending machine?

No, Peter.
I'm getting our coats.

We're leaving.

(girl giggling in machine)

GIRL:
No! Bill too crinkly!

Try again!

Bill too crinkly!

You dollar funny!

This must be
so difficult for you.

It is. There's a lot
of choices here.

But I ain't
talking to you.

I thought you were supposed to
be doing a news story on Carter,

not shacking up with him.

The truth is
all I ever wanted

was to some day have
a family of my own.

And I realized Carter
could give me all of that.

A family all your own?

Yes. A family just like this,

in fact, with a fine son
just like you, Peter.

A son to whom I could one day
give a piece of sour plum candy.

(gasps)

Thank you, Mama Tricia!

But a lazy son
who does not make me proud?

Peter, that son
deserves no candy.

(crying)

I swear, Mama Tricia,

I'm gonna make you the
proudest Tiger Mom of all!

Not like how Jesus
feels about his kid.

Dad, I got bullied at school!

They flipped up
my lunch tray!

Oh, that sucks.

I wonder if that's
the worst thing

that ever happened to a guy?

Whoa. Whoa!

Billy, this guy
in this book here--

he's really getting
the business-- yikes!

Okay, I'm sorry. What
happened at school today?

You're kind of a dick, Dad.

Huh. I wonder if
there's anyone in here

whose dad was a bigger dick.

Wow! Crazy!

Uh, Mom, why is Dad
over there playing chess

with Tricia Takanawa?

Because, Chris,
your idiot father

thinks she's his new
"Tiger Mom,"

and he's trying
to impress her.

All right, Peter, it's time
to master the game of chess.

Okay, that shouldn't be
too hard.

No. You will do it in the
traditional Japanese way--

on a wacky game show
while a beautiful woman

beats your scrotum
with a reed.

Ow. I don't know which way
the horse goes.

(yells)

Why is that guy laughing at me
and where is he?

(buzzer rings)

There was a time limit?
Nobody told me that.

(yells)

Time for "Good Door,
Bad Door"!

Wait. How bad is the bad door?

♪ ♪

Grandpa-san, how bad
was the bad door?

Not too bad.

But shortly afterwards,

I was almost eaten alive
by an escalator.

(bell buzzes)

The game is still going on?

(laughing):
You lose chess!

(gasps)

Peter, another way
to impress your Asian Tiger Mom

is to put on this
old-fashioned baseball hat

and assist Indiana Jones
on his next adventure.

You got it, Mama Tricia.

Okay, nice and slow,
Doctor Jones.

More alcohol and pot.

Yeah, let's get you out
of the tub first, Doctor Jones.

I want to fly an old plane.

I'm not sure
that's a great idea.

Not a new, safe one.

Uh, yeah, yeah,
I got that.

(shrieks)
There's a skeleton
in my bedroom.

That's your wife,
Doctor Jones.

Now maybe today we
don't do the earring?

No. Earring every day.

All right, Brian,
let's begin.

Great, let's do it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa!

Stop! Demerit!
(tires squeal)

What the hell?

Where are your hands,
Brian?

Uh... on the
steering wheel?

Ten and two.

All right, commence.

IPDE, Brian, IPDE.
What?

IPDE-- Identify,
Predict, Decide, Execute.

You've got to constantly
be IPDE-ing everything

in your target zone.

I-I-I-I don't, I don't know
what you're saying.

IPDE: "Identify.
Predict..."

Yeah, you said that.

but it doesn't
mean anyth...
IPDE that.

Uh... it's a child
with a ball.
Very good.

Identified.
Now predict.

Predict what?
IPDE.

Yeah, you keep saying
that like it's a word.

Those four letters
don't make a word.

It-it's not helping
me remember anything.

Well, now you've got
an oncoming vehicle.

Pay attention to your
four-to-six second zone.

What? What is that?
Fo-four-to-six second...?

IPDE the car, Brian.
IPDE the car!

What does that mean?

Now, check your gauges
with one eye

while keeping
your other eye on the road.

My eyes go in the
same direction.

What's your
tire pressure?

I-I can't... I don't...
I-I'm in the car.

Stop! Demerit!
(tires squeal)

Stewie, I know
how to drive.

I've been
driving for years.

(horn honking)

Ever hear of IPDE,
jackass?

(crickets chirping)

I had a great day
with the fat son.

He's started
to respond positively

to the caning
of his buttocks and knuckles.

Speaking of buttocks
and knuckles,

let's fool around.

Mmm, sounds good.

I wonder if I can tell you

one of my deepest
sexual fantasies?

All right. Let me just burp
through my nose for a second,

I've been drinking seltzer.

(burps)

Okay, what do you got?

Well, you're going
to think this is silly,

but I love it
when a man confesses

to manufacturing
improprieties.

Oh, yeah? Well, then,
you're gonna love this.

I ordered the brewery
to start making beer cans

out of toxic, unsafe metal,
just to save a few bucks.

Exactly what I wanted to hear.

Thank you, Carter.

And there you have it,

Channel Five News audience.

This has been Tricia Takanawa,
with my undercover exposé

of Pawtucket Patriot Brewery.

Up next... is Papa John dyeing
his eyebrows?

I sleep with him to find out,

though I'm fairly confident
the answer is yes.

And... we're clear.

What-What's going on?

I finished my
investigation.

But... I don't
understand.

I... I thought we
were in love.

I only let you think that.

I'm sorry.

It's time for me to go.

Chris?

Hi, Grandpa.

I got an internship.

You mean, you've been
working for Tricia?

Hang on, I got to get
20 seconds of room tone.

What's room tone?

Oh, we got to start again.

I miss her so much,
Griffin.

Of all the women I've
institutionalized Babs over,

she's the one
who meant the most to me.

I know.

It's like, one day
she's my Tiger Mom,

and the next
day she isn't,

and the day before
that first day,

she also wasn't.

But the point is
she hurt us, Carter.

We got to get her back.

We need revenge.

(TV news opening music plays)

Good evening,
I'm Tom Tucker.

Coming up next,

Nicki Minaj...
is a bear?

But first, congratulations to
our very own Tricia Takanawa.

That's right, Tom.
Tricia's recent exposé

on the Pawtucket
Patriot Brewery

has been nominated
for a local Emmy.

Mm, the "local"
really hurts that.

That's it, Griffin.

That's how we'll
get our revenge.

You and I will go
to the local Emmys,

and we'll embarrass Tricia
on her big night

in front of all her peers.

That's a great idea!

'Cause people
need to know

that she's an
even bigger fraud

than Robert Baden Powell,

the founder of
the Boy Scouts.

Ma'am, I'd like to take
your son into the woods.

What?
That sounds suspicious.

Well, what if I said we'd
both be wearing shorts

and neckerchiefs, and
I'd give him little patches

for doing what I say?

So? How'd we do?

Did you pass
your driver's test?

Uh, yeah. Yeah,
I think so.

You brought up IPDE?

As a matter of
fact, I did.

He was impressed?

No, he had no idea
what I was talking about.

He tried to Google it
on his phone

and ended up spilling hot coffee
on his balls.

I took him to the ER
and he said he'd pass me

if I picked him up in an hour.

So it did work.

Well, congratulations, you're
getting your license back!

I know, it's great.

Now I'll be able to go to
those dog parties again.

(upbeat music plays)

(somber music plays)

(jazz music playing)

(indistinct crowd conversations)

There's Tricia.

Sweet.
What's our plan?

We put this
in her drink.

It'll make her instantly
"triple" herself.

Tripling is when you vomit,
defecate, and orgasm,

all at the same time.

Wha... I-I don't...

Why would that
medicine even exist?

Cosby.

Now all we need
is a distraction

so we can spike
her cocktail.

Aha. You leave
that to me.

I know something
that might distract

all these news people.

Maybe if one of
us just chuckles

for no apparent reason,

everyone else will
start chuckling.

Worth a shot.

(chuckles)

(both chuckling)

(crowd chuckling)

All right, they're
all news chuckling!

Go, go, go!

(chuckling)

Okay. All Tricia's
got to do now

is take one sip and
she'll blow it out

of all three holes,

right here in
front of everyone.

And that will make us feel
better about our life choices.

Hello, Mother.

I'm so happy you could
be here tonight.

Why happy?

You no work
for Channel Ten,

just Channel Five.

Only half as good.

Mother, please,
I-I'm being honored tonight.

What honor? Connie Chung
marry Maury Povich,

form media super team.

Where your Povich?
You have no Povich.

Wow. Tricia's mom is really
coming down hard on her.

Yeah, and with really
outdated references.

You know,

it's no wonder Mama Trish
was so tough on me.

It's the only thing
she knows.

And where grandchildren?

Who take care of me
when I 121 years old?

Who take care of
Irene? No one.

No one take
care of Irene.

I guess her
name is Irene.

Carter, I-I'm starting
to feel bad for Tricia.

Maybe what she did to us
was wrong, but sheesh,

look what her own life
has been like.

I-I don't, I don't think
I can do this.

Well, this stuff's
already in her drink.

♪ ♪

(in slow motion):
Mama Tricia!

No!

(swallowing)

Where'd you get these?

Oh, I see the guy.

You're a weird guy,
Griffin.

Eh, I don't know.

You know, I just
been thinking,

the way you and me fell
so fast for this lady,

and for no reason?

Maybe the problem ain't
Tricia, you know?

Maybe it's us.

What do you mean?

Well, with my real mom gone,

I-I guess maybe I just needed

someone in my life
to fill that role.

Someone who loves me enough to
call me fat and lazy and stupid.

Hmm, maybe you're right.

And maybe I was just looking
for a way to feel young again.

Hey, Carter? We're
gonna be okay.

(groaning)

(farting)

Ah, crap. This thing
was a rental.

Here's your tux back, bye!

Well, I'm just glad
all this nonsense

with Tricia Takanawa
is over.

Hey, what ever
happened with Grandma?

Yeah, that's what everybody
was thinking about, Meg.

Trust me, she'll come back
if we need her.

Hey, Stewie, seriously,

thanks for
everything you did

to help me get
my license back.

My pleasure.

But now you owe me.

That means one day,

I'm gonna come to you
and ask for a favor.

But I need
to know something.

I need to know
that you're gonna say yes

when that day comes.

Uh, o-okay.

Can we go for ice cream?

(door closes)

Come on!