Family Guy (1998–…): Season 15, Episode 7 - High School English - full transcript

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

Hi. It's me, Peter.

You may be wondering
what I'm doing in a library.



Well, I actually drove my car
into this rich guy's house,

and he locked me in here
until the police come.

Don't believe me?

I don't know. I just
locked him in the library.
(baby crying)

Seems like he's on something.
He's got crazy eyes

and keeps screaming,
"I don't care."

I don't care!

Anyway, I've got
some time to kill

before this room
is filled with tear gas,

so I thought,
"Why not finally read

some of the classics
I never read in high school."

Here's one right here:
The Great Gatsby.

A book by the only respected guy
in the world named Scott.

(1920s-era jazz playing)



STEWIE: It was my first summer
staying at the shore,

but I had a feeling that I,
Nick "The Situation" Carraway,

would fit right in.

(crickets chirping,
frogs croaking)

Hey, it's Nick
from The Great Gatsby.

I just checked in, and somebody
left their teeth here.

I-I don't know,
it's just a set of teeth.

I-I guess men's?

No, I'm not putting them
anywhere.

You come and get them.

(lively jazz music playing)
Yecch. The neighbors
are having a party

with loud jazz music.

Well, at least
annoyingly scatting over jazz

hasn't been invented yet.

MAN: ♪ Bop, bop, bop,
ba-ba-bah ♪

♪ Boop, boop, boop,
doo, boo... ♪

Oh, that must have
been invented today!

♪ ♪

Hey, whose party is this?

I'm not sure. Women aren't
allowed to ask questions yet.

So, what's your name?

Madam, you forget yourself.

♪ ♪

That's when I first
laid eyes on him.

Jay Gatsby.

He was clearly playing with
himself through his pocket,

but I pretended not to see.

Hello. Welcome
to my party.

Name's Gatsby. Good to
meet you, old sport.

Yeah, just a wave is fine.

I-I'm your new neighbor,
Nick Carraway.

Oh, I hope we weren't
too loud, old sport.

Yeah, this
"old sport" thing,

is this, is this something
you're trying out,

or is this a keeper?
I just met you,

so I want to tell you
something very private.

Let's go out to the dock.

♪ ♪

I come down here
to think every night

and gaze at that green light.

It's where the love
of my life lives,

Daisy Buchanan.

Um, I hate to
break it to you,

but that light you've
been looking at

is a gay gym called
The Pump House.

I-I only know that
because I saw a coupon

that came with my rental.

Um... anyway, Daisy's
house is over there.

She's my cousin.
Daisy's your cousin?!

Yeah. Lot of weird coincidences
for an American classic, huh?

Wha... I have to see her!

Well, I can set that up.

Um, only thing is she's married.

Yeah, and I hear
her husband's a real heel.

Whoa-hoa! Language!

But, yeah, I'll set it up.

Um, tea tomorrow at
my house, 2:00 p.m.

Great. She's...
she's gonna be there, right?

Yeah. Why wouldn't
she be there?

I don't know, I'm just getting
a funny vibe from you.

You asked me down
to the docks alone,

and you're getting
a funny vibe from me?

(birds chirping)

Wow. What an ugly
little house.

Oh, yeah, it's not that palace
of domestic abuse you live in.

Whassup...?

Oh, my God!

Is it really you?

Oh, I've missed you, Daisy.

You're as beautiful as ever.

You know what else
is beautiful?

My bank account. Boom!

Rich guy.
You're rich now?

Oh, my God, I love that!
I know, right?

Come on, I'll show
you my place.

Oh, you're leaving?

But I made
all these deviled eggs.

You made?
You know what I meant.

Yeah, you made them.
Great job.

(dishes shatter)

(dance band playing
mellow jazz)

You know, one of the best parts
of having an enormous mansion

is being able to come out here
and get some fresh air.

You know, sometimes I just want
to jump off this balcony

and into that pool down there.

So do it.

Yeah, I know, right?
Do it! (chuckles)

Yeah. Do it.

I know. I totally should,
right? Here I go.

One, two, three...

(laughing): Whoa!
Can you imagine?

Yeah, I-I can imagine.
It would be fun.

You should do it.
If only it were
that easy, right?

It is. It looks
deep enough.

It's your pool.
It's your house.

You can do whatever
you want.
I know, right?

Ah, you know what?
I can't right now.

My pool guy's cleaning it.

Are you going to bone her?

(band playing mellow jazz)

This is amazing!

I've never seen
so many shirts.

D-Do you have enough to,
you know, throw?

Yeah, you know, they're
actually kind of expensive...

Ah, there she goes.

Shirt! Shirt! Shirt!

Shirt! Shirt!

Okay, five is good.

Five is-is probably good.

Shirt! Shirt!

(chuckles):
Were you, uh...

were-were you this crazy
when we dated before?

Mm, Gatsby, is it?

I've been hearing about your
vast newly acquired wealth

and your attentions
to my wife.

So I thought I would
have you over

to my equally
large and fancy,

but imperceptibly
more classy mansion

for an awkward dinner.

And, Nick, have
you met Jordan?

She plays golf, and is what kids
will someday call a "DUFF."

Hey, yeah.
Nice tam-o'-shanter.

I'll drink your finger bowl
if you don't want it.

STEWIE:
In the book, I actually go
on a few dates with Jordan.

We're gonna skip all that.

Anyway, like I was saying,
you're a trash, 'cause you

earned your money a little
bit more recently than me.

What are you getting at?
I'm saying I
invited you over

and sat you next
to my wife to say,

"Stay away from my wife!"

You know what we should do?
Let's all drunk-drive

into Manhattan
and get a hotel room

and have the same conversation
we're having here.

I'm starting to think this
isn't a very good book.

I'd like to add another bit
of pointless confusion

that will make sense later.

Let's everyone drive
somebody else's car.

Someone can take my coupe.

I'm riding with Gatsby,
I don't care which car.

I'll take someone
in Daisy's car.

I don't think Daisy said
you could drive her car.

Tom, why don't you take
Jay's car?

Who's Jay?
Gatsby.

Okay, I have never heard
anyone call him that.

Look, if you're in your own car
you're in the wrong car.

All right,
you guys get gas.

I got to talk to this
random mechanic's horny wife

about some business.

Wilson? Gonna need
to fill 'er up!

Wilson's wife? Fill 'er up?
Get it? (laughs)

(rock music playing)

I don't know what
they do up there,

but they sure do listen
to Def Leppard pretty loud.

♪ Gotta photograph,
picture of...♪

(bed squeaking rhythmically)
So, seen any
good movies lately?

We just saw Woman Tied
to Railroad Tracks 5.

Pretty similar to 4.

(bed continues squeaking)
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Wow, looks like you guys
are getting a head start

on the Depression here.

(Peter moans loudly)

Thanks for stopping
by, Mr. Buchanan.

Yeah, sure. Don't tell anyone
how bad I look naked.

Have fun raising my bastard.

All right, let's head out.

Wait, but first I want to see

if we're in the funny horn era.

(old-fashioned horn):
Ah-ooga!

Ah-ha! We are!

All right, Gatsby,
you think you're so hot?

Let me show you how a classy guy
does classy stuff.

Hello, room service?
I'd like a bottle

of your
second most expensive champagne.

And I'd like your
most expensive bottle.

Wow. Walked right
into that one.

Okay, fine. Well, then let's
see who has higher socks.

Nya-ha!

Whatever, Tom.
None of that matters.

Daisy's in love with me.

In fact, she's never loved you.

Oh, is that so?

Well, I hear Gatsby didn't
even fight in World War I.

Wait, why is he calling it that?

Is there gonna be
another big war?

I'm sorry, Tom.

That's right.
I'm in love with Daisy,

and she loves me, old sport.

Would anyone like
a deviled egg

from a tea I had
several days ago?

Well, that was awful.

But I sure do enjoy
driving your car

instead of you driving it,

even though we came
in a different car.

Drunk. Don't forget drunk.

You're drunk-driving my car.

Gas and sandwiches!

Get your gas and sandwiches!

(gasps)

Oh, that must be Tom,

since I saw him
in that car earlier!

Tom! Tom! It's me!

(tires screeching)

Oh-ho, no!

Myrtle!

Where will I ever
find another woman

with a hotter name
than Myrtle?

(sighing): All right, pool,
do your thing.

You hungover?
Uh, a little bit, yeah.

Okay, we're sort of racing
to the end here.

And with that,
I shall step

slightly out of range.

All right, I'm just
gonna take a quick swim.

Oh, my God!
Where are the stairs?

There's no stairs!
I'm never gonna make it!

You were standing
earlier in the day

next to the car
that hit my wife.

(grunting, groaning)

♪ ♪

STEWIE:
I would soon return to New York
a changed man,

because, for me,
that will always be the summer

that I finally put my head
underwater.

(panting):
I did it! I did it!

Aw, I wish somebody
had seen that.

(quietly):
Hi. Me again.

I'm not
in that guy's library anymore.

I snuck up to the attic
just before the cops busted in.

They're down there now. Look.

Only problem is,
I really want to get

to that trunk of costumes
in the corner.

On the one hand, I don't want
to give away my location.

On the other hand,
there might be a pirate hat.

(floorboard creaks)

Hmm, no pirate hat,
but I'll make it work.

Argh! I'm a chef
aboard a pirate ship!

Now, who be wantin' pancakes?

COP:
I think I hear something
in the attic.

Oh, crap.
While I figure out my options,

here's Huckleberry Finn.

♪ ♪

(stilted):
Hi, Huckleberry Finn!

(stilted):
Hi, Tom Sawyer.

You're Tom, I'm Huck.

Everybody good? Yep?

All right, let's do this.

Huckleberry Finn, you get inside
this house this minute.

It's Tuesday morning.
It's time for church.

Aw, Widow Douglas,

I already been to church
three times today.

I want to stay home
and play Angry Birds.

(squawking)

(pigs snorting)

(chuckles)
This is addictive.

Hey, I'm your abusive dad,

and I've been drinkin' all
day from this here jug.

Oh, my God, is that
a jug full of porn?

Hey, Widow Douglas,
I want to live with my dad!

Shut your hole!

Now come on,
I need to use your pee.

I'm taking a wagon test
in the morning.

I wish you wouldn't
drink so much.

Stop countin' my drinks!

Now get over here
so I can whip you!

Ow! Pap! No!

Yeah, that's
right, bitch.

Now it's your turn...

(snoring)

Geez, this is worse
than the Widow Douglas' house.

I got to get out of here.

I know. I'll fake my own death.

I just need enough blood
to make it look real.

Hey there!
You must be Huck.

Great to finally
meet you.

I hope you
like it here.

I'm gonna stab you
for your blood.

Oh, come on! I just got shot
in the pool in the last one.

(groaning)

I can't remember
why I needed the blood.

♪ ♪

(fire crackling)

Lord, I'm-a tell ya,

being a slave is
a much worse job

than the temp agency
made it sound.

You gonna eat
all that possum?

I am. My name's Huck Finn.

What's half of your name?

Jim. Nice to meet you.

I'm a runaway slave.

I'm runnin' away
'cause people want me

to wear shoes
and comb my hair.

So I guess we got
the exact same problem.

(distant whooshing)
Hey, what's that sound?

Oh, no!
It sounds like...

a waterfall!

Hold on!

♪ ♪

CLEVELAND:
We died.

So wait.
We didn't die?

I don't know.
It's all just jokes.

Ah! Did you see that?
What?

I just skipped that
rock six times!

That's a once-in-
a-lifetime skip!

That's nice.
You don't believe
me, do ya?

I believe we've been
out here a long time,

and a man's mind begins
to play tricks on him.

It happened for real!

I can't believe
you didn't see it!

Of course I saw it.

Most amazing damn thing
I ever did witness.

But I wasn't gonna tell Huck,
'cause he claimed

he didn't see me hook-shot
that apple core

into the garbage
from way far away.

Hello, friends.

Why are you so friendly?
You con men?

No, we're businessmen.

We're fake-selling
the Brooklyn Bridge.

Don't say
"fake-selling."

We're real-selling
the Brooklyn Bridge.

Stop qualifying
the selling.

We're just selling
the Brooklyn Bridge.

I'll buy it.
Hold on, now, Huck.

These fellas
are con men.

Push off,
you grifters.

We don't want
to ever see you again.

Fine, we're going!

It's a river-- we can't control
how fast it goes.

We can barely steer!

Sorry.

(rooster crowing)

Hey, what if it's spelled
with an A at the end of it?

Is that okay?

Jim? Jim?

Jim? Jim?

If you're looking for a gym,
Ye Olde Pump House is that way.

Can't miss it.
Green light on a dock.

Tom Sawyer? What are you
doing so far from home?

Rush is playing
here tonight.

They wrote a
song about me.

Oh. Well, I'm looking
for my friend, Jim.

Huck! Great news!
I'm free!

You are? That's awesome!
When did that happen?

It's just being
revealed now,

but it happened
hundreds of pages ago.

Oh. Huh. Weird.

(sighing):
So, uh, what's left to do?

I'll tell you what:

Rush concert!

(intro to "Tom Sawyer" playing)

♪ A modern-day warrior,
mean, mean stride ♪

♪ Today's Tom Sawyer,
mean, mean pride ♪

Hey. I'm Mark Twain.

Pretty cool book, huh?

♪ ♪

Well, while I'm being
booked and processed downtown,

we have time for one more
classic of American literature.

This one's about
idiots choking rodents.

I give you Of Mice and Men.

Read him his rights.

You know what?

I'm like to read 'em myself.

"Chapter one:
eat my ass, pigs."

Aah! The bones in my nose!

Wow. I remember when this used
to be all orange groves.

It's, it's currently
all orange groves.

Tell me again about
our dream, George.

All right, all right.
We're going to open

a bed-and-breakfast
in the country,

and we won't be afraid
to let our guests know

that we are Steelers fans
in this house.

What about the rabbits?

Yeah, we'll have rabbits, too.

But we'll also have a sign
in the front that says,

"Steelers fan parking only."

And sometimes we'll give
our guests a fake hard time.

Like if they're Jets fans,
we'll be all like,

(chuckling): "Okay,
I hope you don't get towed."

But obviously, you know,

of course, we're
not gonna tow 'em.

Hey there, strangers.

Welcome to Phelps Ranch.

People call me Slim.

Ironically, I assume.

Listen, we're looking
for field work,

uh, if you need
any extra hands.

Well, three of our guys
did just get squished,

so we just might.
Come on in.

So, have you done this
kind of work before?

Have we pulled an object
off a plant

and placed it in a burlap bag?

Yes, I think we understand
the nuances of this profession.

Good, good. And how about you?
Tell me about yourself.

I like to kill animals
and then a lady.

I got a good feeling
about you guys.

All right, you guys
are doing great.

Hey, listen, my dog just
had puppies, and I thought

since you're covered with feces
and I barely know you,

I'd give you a delicate,
snow-white, newborn puppy.

Okay, just don't give me
to Dead-Eyes over there,

'cause I've already
been killed twice

in the other two stories,
and I don't want...

Puppy!
Aw, (bleep)!

(crunching)

This puppy doesn't work!

Well, well, well...

As you can tell by
the "well, well, well,"

he's the bad guy.

Looks like we got us
some new employees.

That's right, Curley,
I hired 'em this morning.

Well, tell 'em to get out.

This is where I practice
my karate, 'cause I'm a dick.

I understand you like
to pick fruit.

You ever pick something
bruised and pear-shaped?

Fruit has seeds you can poo out!

Hey, Hodor, stop coming on
to my slutty wife!

Look, I can tell by the
fact that you wear a single,

Vaseline-filled leather glove
that you're a reasonable man.

So, let's all take a deep
breath and calm down.

No!
Karate chop!

(grunting)

(bones crunching)

(yells)
Damn it!

I tuck my jeans into my boots!

I'll get you,
you stupid, giant moron.

Not great timing, I know,

but can I leave early
for a dentist appointment?

So, I should be home by 10:00.

It's just this
piano-bar-slash-cabaret place

called "Tinkles."

Rory told me about it.

Who's Rory?

You remember him.

The field hand who gave me
a shoulder ride

back to the house?

That was Rory.

Anyway, it sounds like
it's just a hoot.

Wow, maybe you'll meet a pretty
lady to get married to there.

Yeah, well, that's the idea.

While you're gone,
can I touch myself?

Uh, again, you don't have
to schedule that with me.

But remember,
if there's any trouble,

we meet by the big tree
on the edge of town.

Everything in my
head is screaming.

All right, then, I am off.

Well, hello there.

If it isn't the sexy imbecile.

Oh, hi.

Sorry about what I did
to your husband earlier.

Yes, that was quite
a hand job you did on him.

You know, I'm not so bad
at those myself.

I'm not gonna lie to you,

you're wasting your
double entendres on me.

(quietly):
I want you to destroy me.

Okay!

(bone snapping)

(piano playing
"Jeepers Creepers")

♪ Jeepers creepers ♪

♪ Where'd you get
those peepers ♪

♪ Jeepers creepers ♪

♪ Where'd you get those eyes ♪

(applause)

Thank you, thank you.

Oh, I just love a song that
explains what it just said.

(indistinct whispering,
Stewie sighs)

All right, evidently
I have to go to the big tree

on the edge of town
to take care of something.

This shouldn't take too long.

Do not take my songs
off the list.

♪ ♪

I'm sorry, George,
I didn't mean to kill the girl,

and now the whole town's
gonna hang me by a rope.

Oh, I would never
let that happen.

Thanks.

Tell me about the rabbits,
George.
Yeah, sure thing.

But while I do that, why
don't you face away from me

and count the stars.

Okay.

All right, so the B&B will
have a rack of single-gear bikes

for every guest, and yes,
next to that, of course,

is going to be
the big, giant rabbit hutch.

Buh-bye, Lennie.
(body thuds on ground)

Goodnight, kids.

Good luck with
those book reports.