Family Guy (1998–…): Season 15, Episode 9 - How the Griffin Stole Christmas - full transcript

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

TV ANNOUNCER:
We now return to

How David Lynch
Stole Christmas.



(box rattling)

Hello. I got you
a present.

It's a thumb.
(screams)

Don't look away.

Let the fear
wash over you.

I don't understand.

That's the whole point.

Now, did you leave a plate
of black coffee out for me?

No.
In the future,

please leave a plate of
black coffee out for me.

Also in the past.

You guys, what are you
doing watching TV?

It's snowing.
Really?

Wow, it's so
beautiful!



Isn't it?

And you know what's
a miracle, kids?

Every single snowflake
is exactly alike.

I don't think that's right.

No, it's true.
Just like fingerprints.

All right, you guys
ready for church?

Church?
What are you, an idiot?

It's the first snow
of the season.

We're going sledding.

Please, can we, Mom?

Well, I mean,
it's Sunday, and...

Come on, Lois. After all,

sledding was the second
passion of the Christ.

Eat this, for this is my dust!

My sled has Dora on it

'cause my parents got it
at a yard sale.

It's-it's still for boys,
though.

She's about language
acquisition, not gender.

Sorry, fun-seekers,

this hill is closed
to sledding.

What? What are you
talking about?

Too many pansy-ass
parents sue the city

when their kids
sprain a finger

or crush their skull
on a bumper.

I'm afraid sledding has
been banned in Quahog.

You can't do that!
Last time I checked,

this is still
the United States of Tara.

Obscure reference.

And I'm not gonna let
anybody tell me

where I can and cannot sled!

Yeah, you're right.

Power to the people!

The whole world is watching!
The whole world is watching!

What... what just happened?

Who cares?
Last one down the hill...

(crash)
Oh, my God!

MAYOR WEST:
Call my mom!

I crushed my skull
on a bumper!

(shouting, laughing)

You serious? All this
white stuff used to be water?

Mm. My word.

Joe, what are you
riding on?

Oh, it's a bedpan.
I got a ton of these at home.

You make every activity
incredibly sad.

(panting)

There you are.
Where have you been?

I just ran home
to get the big sled

out of our dining room.

What are you talking about?

We don't have a sled
in our dining room.

Everybody on!

Peter, the dining room
table is an antique.

It's been in my family
for six generations.

It's fine.

Okay, now, since
we're white guys

doing something stupid,
everybody grab a GoPro.

(all shouting, laughing)

PETER:
Yeah, this is awesome!

Oh, we're drifting.

W-We're turning. We're turning!

MEG:
Dad, I'm scared.

CHRIS:
We're backwards!

PETER: Am I the only one
who thinks that now

we're at an alarming speed?

(thumping, crashing)

(car alarm wailing)

(all groaning)

Peter, are you insane?!

You could've killed
the entire family!

Sorry, Lois. I honestly thought
this was gonna be fun.

Like when I won
that sex contest.

PETER:
First again!

Wasn't even close, was it?

LOIS:
No, Peter, it wasn't even close.

PETER:
Yeah, you are terrible at this.

Now, why don't you clean up

and go get the champ
a Gatorade, huh?

You wearing pants
always amuses me.

Yeah, I know. It's just
I got roped into going

to some stupid
office Christmas party

with this girl I'm dating.

Really? I thought
you just went

to an office Christmas
party with her last week.

What? Oh, no, um...

No, that-that was
this other girl I was dating.

Um, her name was...
Kow-ooch.

Did you just say "couch,"
but pronounce it strangely

so it sounded
like a name?

What's going on, Brian?

(sighs) All right, look,
I've been crashing

office Christmas parties
for the free booze

and drunk women who don't want
to spend the holidays alone.

Oh, so you're a
Christmas party creep.

Just like the fat man is
a pool party creep.

Now, Chris,
you're getting older,

so it's time for you to learn
the classic pool party game

"Talk to Somebody's Wife
in a Bikini

Until They Cover Up
Uncomfortably."

So, Bonnie,
how are things going?

Oh, things are fine.

Been kind of busy lately,
what with Susie starting to...

Okay, bye.

Man, that's, like, two seconds.

Hey, Peter. Hey, what have you
been watching on TV lately?

Oh, you know,
this and that.

There's a show called
Shipping Wars.

Uh, it's actually kinda...
Okay, bye.

Oh, boy, the Marshalls
is now a Nordstrom.

I feel like our days at
this mall are numbered.

Well, we have $60.

Let's see what kind of
Chinese pressed-board garbage

we can get to replace
my grandmother's

priceless mahogany table.

Dad, look,
Santa's here!

I want to sit
on his lap.

Geez, Chris, come on.
You're in high school.

I'm gonna ask him for
a family trampoline.

Holy crap,
get your ass up there!

(sighs)
You know what, Peter?

I'll get the table myself.

And then I might just
sit in that car

in the middle
of the mall and cry.

Geez, look at this line.

Yeah, no kidding.
And it's not moving.

Me and my adopted son have
been waiting quite a while.

Wait, what-- Why did you--

I didn't even ask.

So is your son
a biolog?

What-- I'm not--

I-I don't watch
Modern Family, sorry.

Hey, Chris, wait here.
I'm gonna see what's going on.

Hey, Muscles,
what's taking so long?

I'm sorry, sir.
This may shock you,

but it turns out the
seasonal Santa we hired

has a drinking problem.

And I don't know where
to find a replacement

on such short notice.

Hey, you're a hefty guy.

I called you "Muscles."

Would you mind
putting on the suit

and playing Santa,
just until the shift ends?

I'd pay you
for your time.

All right, fine.

I mean, it's not the first time
I pretended to be someone else.

I once dressed as a farmer

Are you Peter?

Yeah. A-Are you
the gross lady

who lives in the
converted horse trailer?

♪ You don't have to be lonely ♪

It doesn't say "whites only,"
but... yeah.

'Sup? Slammin' pantsuit.

Hey, I'm Scott Fitzgerald.

You probably don't recognize me
'cause I'm in corporate.

So am I.
This is corporate.

(chuckles) A little
too much so, if you ask me.

I... I try
to have fun, right?

I-I mean, we're not,
we're not landing planes here.

Our company manufactures
aircraft landing gear systems.

Yep, uh-huh.

Well, I am going to fly us over
a few more drinks.

(imitating plane engine)

Stewie?
What are you doing here?

I followed you.
I had to see for myself

just how desperate and
pathetic you really are.

And don't worry,
I'm not sticking around

this sad little-- Ooh!

Is that rolled-up ham
for everyone?

Yeah.
Okay.

Well, I'll see
you at home...

WOMAN: Hey, everyone,
karaoke's starting!

Well, I could watch
and make fun

for just a few--
Oh, my God!

They have a photo booth
with funny props!

Oh, I call the big
funny glasses!

♪ Jingle bell, jingle bell ♪
(camera clicking)

♪ Jingle bell rock ♪

♪ Jingle bell swing ♪

♪ And jingle bells ring... ♪

And I want a
tricycle and a pony

and an American Girl doll

and a drone with a camera
and a gun that fires...

Ho, ho, ho.
Yeah, sure, all of it.

All right, now,
go pick up your picture.

And before you go
crying to your mom,

that's my cell phone
you're feeling.

Hey, Santa Claus,
you going home soon?

Well, depending on
how traffic is

at the North Pole.
(chuckles)

So what can I get
for you today?

Milk and cookies?

(chuckles)
Oh, okay.

Sorry I started this.

Chicken burrito, please.

There you go.
Merry Christmas.

Uh, how much do I, uh...

Oh, come on, I'm not
charging Santa Claus.

It's on the house.

This is free because
I'm dressed as Santa?

That's right.
Anything for Santa.

Anything?

Holy crap, this is awesome!

I'm Santa Claus.

In this suit
I'm like a god.

(sobbing)

I got a free burrito!

Ugh, look at
these two lumps.

♪ Up on the housetop
click, click, click ♪

♪ Slipped on the chimney
and broke his... ♪

Mornin'.
♪ Penis. ♪

Dad, why are you still
wearing that Santa suit?

Well, the guy
at the mall asked me

to stay on till Christmas,
and I said yes,

'cause being Santa's
awesome.

You wear this suit,
it's like a free pass.

People let you do
anything you want.

What are you
talking about?

Oh, it's the stuff
of dreams, Lois.

Free burritos,
free orange chicken,

free pretzels.

Did you make it out
of the food court?

I made it to the border.

I got a free iPhone case
and a tiny license plate.

It says "Corey."

Yep.
Cost me zilch.

♪ ♪

(indistinct chatter)

So, who's this
"Mary Christmas"

everybody keeps
talking about?

(laughs)
Oh...

that's very clever.

I don't recognize you.

Which department
are you in?

Well, right now
I'm in Boob Assessment.

Eww.

Hey, you were right about
office Christmas parties.

They're fantastic!
Uh-huh, okay.

I'm gonna keep looking
around the room

while you talk.

Yes, it's like
watching a soap opera,

what with all the
drunken misbehavior

and ill-advised
hookups.

And down the hall they're
doing a "white elephant."

Oh, that gift-
exchange thing?

No, there's
a fat secretary

taking on all comers.

Where, uh, uh, which
office is that in?

Oh, you won't miss her.
She's still wearing

the felt antlers.

Absolute freak show
in there.

Hey, what the hell's
going on?

Oh, Santa.
I-I'm sorry.

I didn't realize
this was your car.

That's right. Now,
crumple up that ticket.

Now eat it!

All right, now we're
gonna go to your home

and wait for you
to pass it,

and then you're gonna
eat it again.

Hey, honey,
this is Santa.

He's gonna come in
and watch me in the bathroom.

Oh, just like the
Easter Bunny did.

Exactly.

I got a lot of guys
coming through here.

ANNOUNCER:
The next composition is

Opus Dei, Dei Dei Pater,

seventh movement, by Chopin.

(whispers indistinctly)

ANNOUNCER:
Correction. The next composition

is 1-877-Kars-4-Kids.

(symphonic music begins playing)

♪ 1-877-Kars-4-Kids ♪

♪ K-A-R-S Kars-4-Kids ♪

♪ 1-877-Kars-4-Kids ♪

♪ Donate your car today... ♪

I lost my virginity
to this song.

(indistinct chatter)

Ugh, this party's a dud.

Yeah, no kidding.

That lady turned off
a Hall & Oates song

because it was
"too provocative."

FEMALE EMPLOYEE:
Everyone, let's remember,

this is still a workplace.

MALE EMPLOYEE:
Sorry, Barb.

You know what?
I got an idea.

I'm gonna stir up some drama,
make this party interesting.

(clinking)

Excuse me? Uh, could I have
your attention please? Hi.

Hi, I'm Chadwick Redmayne
from the regional office.

Unfortunately, since people
only use printers now

to print out boarding passes
for their grandparents,

40% of you will
be laid off as of Monday.

Oh, and whoever drinks
the most shots keeps their job.

(all gasp)

See? That's how you
get a party started.

Mr. Redmayne, I don't
know who you are,

but I've been in charge of
this office for 16 years...

Sad.
and I want to thank you.

I've been trying to reduce
our staff costs for months,

but just didn't have
the guts to do it,

much less before Christmas.

Yeah, well, that's why
they send in Channing Redwick,

or Chadmayne, or whatever,

I don't even remember
what I said.

We could use someone
like you around here.

Welcome aboard.
See you Monday.

Wow, a paying, grown-up job!

I haven't been this excited
about anything

since the night Wicked
premiered in Quahog.

All right, Brian,
let's rob these gay guys.

What if they're home?

They're not gonna be home.

(dance music playing)

WOMEN:
Bye, Santa!

(slurring):
Bye, strippers!

Uh, you can all take
your clothes off now,

I was just comin' in
for the spaghetti.

Aah! Bitch!

Ah, that hurts.

Ah, I'm drunk.

Heart's beatin' fast.

Spaghetti angel!

I'm makin' a spaghetti angel.

When Italian guys die, they...

they turn into...

into...

into...
(snoring)

MAN:
Peter.

Peter Griffin.

Peter? We need to talk.

Who... (groans)
Who are you?

I'm the real Santa Claus.

Awesome! Okay, my first wish
is for a thousand wishes.

Yes!
That's not me.
That's a genie.

Okay, then my first wish
is for a genie.

Again, you'd need a genie.

How wasted are you?

Don't judge me.

You live in a bottle.

It's a lamp.

And I'm not a genie!

All right, come on
now, pal, seriously,

who are you really?

I already told you,
I'm Santa Claus.

Oh, yeah?

Well, if you're Santa,
then what did I ask for

for Christmas when I was 12?
Nothing.

Because it was the year
you found that Penthouse

in the woods.

(gasps)
You really are Santa!

Am I really heavier than you?

I-I got to,
I got to take control.

Look, I'm not very
happy with you.

You can't go around in that suit
pretending you're me

and acting like
a complete jackass.

What are you talking about?
People love me.

They give me free stuff.

No, they love me.

You're just exploiting
my brand for personal gain

and destroying my reputation.

So there's, like, no
toilet on the sleigh,

so you're, you're just,

you're just crapping in
people's houses, right?

You're not hearing me.

Stop wearing that suit, or else.

Or else what?

Or else I will put you
at the top of my naughty list.

You know, you're not talking
to a little kid anymore,

so get the hell
out of my face, Santa.

I like this suit,
and I'm keeping it.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

you're standing in my
strip club spaghetti.

I got to get this home
to my family for supper.

(engine starts)

You better watch out.

(suspenseful music sting)

(club music plays
in the background)

Gail?

Gail, is your Internet working?

Mine's slow.

(Gail sobs and sniffles)

Oh, my God, Gail,
what happened?

I just found out I'm part
of the downsizing you announced.

Oh, no.

So your Internet,
is it, is it slow?

Gail, you were supposed
to be gone an hour ago.

Hey, give her a break, man.

This is Gail Devereaux-Slansky.

Oh, it's just
Gail Devereaux now.

Oof, tough week.

Why don't you stop
rubbernecking

and finish that
payroll report I asked for?

I can't believe I got fired.

And right before the holidays.

Oh, God, I've ruined Christmas.

Like the Little Drummer Boy when
he got really into Neil Peart.

(drumming)

♪ Our finest gifts we bring ♪

♪ Pa-rum-pum-pum-pum ♪

(complex drum solo)

(gong crashes, sticks crack)

Christmas is gonna be sick!

So, Dad, now that
you made Santa mad,

aren't you scared he's gonna
do something bad to you?

Ah, Santa's all talk.

He ain't gonna do nothing.

(knocking at door)

Hey, Peter.

Ready to go to Build-A-Bear?

What?
What are you talking about?

I got your text.

It says, "Hey, Joe,
cancel your plans.

Let's go to Build-A-Bear."
I didn't send you a...

Oh, son of a bitch, Santa.

Joe, I did not send you a text.

Well, you sent another text
that says,

"Hey, Joe, it's definitely me,
Peter, who sent the text."

Damn it, he covered all bases.

What do you think, Peter?

Maybe a little
sun hat for Cindy?

Whatever, I'm done with my bear.
Let's get out of here.

Well, the text you sent
earlier would disagree.

You said, "No matter what I say,

I want to build multiple bears."

Joe, I swear to you,
I do not want to do that.

(phone buzzes)

News flash, Peter,
looks like you do.

Would anyone like to lead
the family in a holiday prayer?

I'll tell you who should be
saying his prayers, Santa.

He messes with me,
I mess with him.

That's why I replaced
one of his flying reindeer

with an ordinary,
non-magical one.

(wind blowing, bells jingling)

(bellowing)

Cut it off, cut it off!

(continues bellowing
and whinnying)

You know, I think this year
is gonna be the best...

(loud crash, plates shatter)

Yay, free horse!

(doorbell rings)

What the hell?

Hey, Chris, get in here.

This is impossible, right?

All of Meg's farts
here in this box?

I would think
that's impossible.

Yeah, right?
That's impossible.

Is this the box?
Yeah, that's it.

Yeah, that's impossible.
I know, it's impossible.

Right-- O-okay, all right,
I'm opening it.

Unless whoever sent
it was magic.

Oh, well, now
that's interesting.

Chad, we got to talk
about this report.

Why do you write all
your twos backwards?

Well, you know it's a two,
so why are we talking?

Fix it, or you're fired.

You know what?

I thought working in a cubicle

at a mid-sized printing company

would be the adventure
of a lifetime.

Instead, it's been nothing
but tedium and cruelty.

It's time to set things right.

Here you go, Warren.

Merry Christmas.

$11,000?

Yes, it's the maximum check
amount I'm authorized to cut.

Cash it fast.

Merry Christmas, cash it fast.
Merry Christmas, cash it fast.

Merry Christmas, cash it fast.

Thanks, Chadwick.
This is awesome.

I think you mean
"Happy Holidays."

You got to be kidding me.

(chuckling):
Oh, this is too good.

(giggles)

Point, Griffin.

Let's see you top...

(choking)

Now you gonna listen?

Now you gonna listen,
you little bitch?

Whose suit are you wearing?
Your suit!

Whose suit?
Your suit!

It's your suit!

(groaning and gasping)

(yells)

Okay, okay,

I'll never wear
that Santa suit again.

Just stop terrorizing me and
take me off the naughty list.

You promise?
Yes!

Thank you.

I've always known you were

a good boy deep inside, Peter.

And just so you know
there are no hard feelings,

this is for you.

It's that Penthouse
you found in the woods.

(gasps) With Vanessa Williams
and George Burns on the cover?

I'm glad you like it.

I had to buy it from
a really creepy guy

on the Internet.

Look, Santa,
I owe you an apology.

I'm sorry I took
advantage of your good name.

You spread so much joy and
wonder to kids everywhere,

and I just used that
to get stuff for myself.

Apology accepted.

And truth is,

you weren't the worst Santa.

This was the worst Santa.

Oh, ho, ho, ho!

Oh, and that's another thing.

It's "Ho, ho, ho."

Everybody pronounces it wrong.

It's very irritating.

(whistles)

So long, Peter.

Glad to have you back
on the nice list.

(triumphant music plays)

Merry Christmas!

Ho, ho, ho.

PETER: And that was the
Christmas I would never forget.

Until I went home and had,
like, 50 beers, and did forget.

But only after I screamed
myself into a blackout

while my whole family
held me down.

Merry Christmas.