Family Guy (1998–…): Season 15, Episode 5 - Chris Has Got a Date, Date, Date, Date, Date - full transcript

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

Peter, I need you to take
Chris and Meg to school.

Today's the day I finally
kill that squirrel



that's been eating
our tomatoes.

Try to get, like,
eight of them this time.

I want to make bruschetta.

Oh, can't the kids just walk?

You know I like to watch two
full movies before I go to work.

No, Peter, they can't
walk; it's three miles.

(sighs)
Fine, I'll take them.

But you better keep
those goggles

'cause I'm gonna put them
to good use tonight.

(power saw buzzing loudly)

Once the floor is
full of sawdust,

we can eat
peanuts in here.

Dad, are you sure it's okay
that we took Brian's car?

Yeah, it's his
own fault.



He's the one who keeps
his key in the visor

like a carefree
hillbilly.

Okay, everybody out.

I don't want the cool kids
to know I'm your dad.

Hey, Chris.

Guess who I just scored as my
date to the homecoming dance.

Vice Principal McGuire.
Really?

Yeah, her husband
just died of ALS,

so she is ready
to get at it.

Hey there, strong guy.

Not now, Brenda!

She says I have the body of a
50-year-old before it gets ALS.

So who are you
gonna go with?

I was thinking of
asking Kara Morris.

Why don't you
ask her now?

Her locker's
right over there.

Um... y-- uh, yeah, okay.

Hi, Kara.

I was wondering, um,
if you'd like to go

to the homecoming
dance with me?

Oh, hi, robot from Big Hero 6.

No, but thank you.

His name is Baymax,
you gorgeous moron!

All right, red light.

Time to text and shave
and whittle and floss.

(razor buzzing)

Thanks for getting here
so quickly.
What?

I'm sorry.
You're in a Prius.

I just assumed
you were my Uber.

I don't know what that is
on account of being dull.

Uber-- it's like a cab
except it feels like a game

'cause it's from your phone.

Anyway, I'm late for a meeting.

Can I just give you 20 bucks
to drop me off?

Wow, 20 bucks just to
drive you across town?

Maybe I should be
an Uber driver.

I mean, I could use
the extra money.

And it's got to be easier than
when I was delivering pizzas.

All right, push. Push.

Come on, come on, almost there.

Almost there,
just one more push.

Here it is!

Oh, it's half Hawaiian.

I believe that's ours.

You poor fool.

(grunting)

Hey, Stewie.

What's up, big guy?

None of the girls at school want
to go to homecoming with me.

Probably 'cause everyone
calls me names like "Big Nips"

and "Fat Nips"
and "Big Fat Nips."

Oh, don't listen to
them, Big Fat Nips.

They're just
being haters.

What's a "hater"?

Oh, it's just
something people say

instead of working to
change their own flaws.

Anyway, you just got to
do what Taylor Swift does

and shake it off.

Who's Taylor Swift?

Oh, my God!

Am I about to introduce you
to Taylor Swift?

W-What is she, a singer?

She's much more
than a singer, Chris.

She's... she's...
she's the queen!

A goddess!

A gazelle in
a high-waisted swimsuit!

Uh, sorry,
if you're neither insane,

nor clowns, nor a posse,
I'm not interested.

I have an idea.

You should ask Taylor Swift
to the homecoming dance!

What? Why would she go
to a dance with me?

I'm telling you, this is exactly
the kind of thing she would do.

She's such a sweetheart.

Oh, I'm going limp.

(moans) I'm just gonna
lie here moaning,

thinking about Taylor Swift.

(moaning)

Tay-Tay.

How would I even ask her?

Oh, it's easy.
You and I will just make a video

about how sad you are
and put it online.

She's very interactive
with all her fans.

I guess it's worth a shot.

Of course it is.

If she says yes,
you'll surprise everyone,

just like you did
on New Year's Eve.

ALL:
Three, two, one!

Some animals give me boners!

(balloon pops,
"Auld Lang Syne" playing)

Hi. Uh, I'd like to be
an Uber driver.

Okay, sure.
Welcome aboard.

Don't I... don't I need
to fill out a form or...?

Oh, right, yeah,
of course.

"Name."

Peter Griffin.

"Criminal history."

This section is optional.
I will skip this.

And done.

Here you go.
Yeah, none of this
really matters.

All I need to know is:
do you have a car,

a phone and a face?

It's my dog's car.

Oh, and I know you didn't ask,

but I am quick to anger.
Okay, great.

Now get out there and try to
kiss as many ladies as you can.

The record is
60 in a month.

You, sir, are officially
an Uber driver.

(Bluetooth rings, beeps)

(shouting gibberish)

♪ ♪

This is some good
stuff, Chris.

I think it's
ready to post.

Actually, Stewie,
I changed my mind.

I made my own video
and posted it.

What? How could
you do that?

Stewie, I didn't want to do
all that fancy stuff,

so I just did a video of me
speaking from the heart.

You know, telling her
how much it would mean

if a girl like her went to
homecoming with a guy like me.

I couldn't even stay awake
during that description.

(phone vibrates)

Hey, she already
posted a response.

What?!

Hey, Chris Griffin.

I just saw your video,

and I'd love to go
to your dance with you.

All right, I got to go eat
an ice cream cone.

'Cause us stars
are just like you.

Oh, my God!

(both chatter excitedly)

Uh-oh. This means I have
an awkward phone call to make.

What? No, no, it was stupid.

What, two guys
going to homecoming?

I-I assumed it was a goof
this whole time.

Take it out.

I'm ugly and unlovable.

Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker.

Our top story tonight,

pop star Taylor Swift
is coming to Quahog

to attend a dance with local
high-schooler Chris Griffin.

But first we go to commercial
while our sports reporter smiles

and spins a football
for some reason.

(sports theme plays)

Wow, Chris,
I'm so excited!

You actually have a
date with Taylor Swift!

Thanks, Mom.
Did I do good?

Can I wear Grandpa's jacket now?

I-I don't know why you
always ask for that.

Th-That's not a
thing in our family.

Oh, Rupert,
I can't believe Taylor Swift

is actually going to be
in our house.

I haven't been this excited

since I abused
those caffeine pills

to get ready for the big show.

Everything will be fine,
as long as I take one of these.

Pills? You actually
are taking drugs?

Stewie, give me those.

I can't, Zach!
I need them to sing!

(grunting)

♪ I'm so excited,
I'm so excited ♪

(crying):
I'm... so... scared!

(sobbing)

Screech is going to stab someone
on Christmas.

Oh, Chris, you look so handsome
in your tux.

This must be how Meat Loaf
looked when he went to the prom.

(doorbell rings)
Oh, that must be her!

(excited yell)

Hi. You must be Chris.
I'm Taylor.

(shouts):
What's up?!

(chuckles)

It's so nice
to finally meet you.

Your video was so sweet.

And I can't wait
to go to the dance tonight.

Me, too.
(chuckles nervously)

Would you like
to come in?

Hi. Peter Griffin,
leering dad.

Quick question:
in "Shake It Off,"

you invite us to get down to,
quote, "this sick beat."

Yet the beat you then
provide is rather mild.

My question is this:
may I lick your legs?

Hi, Taylor. Stewie Griffin.
I'm your biggest fan.

I don't mean that
like a psycho, I just...

I-I'm not, I'm not a psycho!

Oh, you're a cutie.

Okay, so let's talk about
Harry Styles.

Now, you don't
have to say anything.

I'm just gonna slowly pull out
this tape measure,

and you indicate
when I should stop.

Okay, here I go.

Still going.

Still going.

Oh, my God, you bitch!
Seriously?

Taylor, this is my sister Meg
and our dog Brian.

Nice to meet you both.

We're not all
so impressed.

I've met Dan Aykroyd.

I'm sorry, uh, which cast
member of Hee Haw are you?

Will... you... be... nice!

Okay, well,
we should probably go.

It was so nice to meet you all,
except for the girl and the dog.

Sorry about my family.

Don't apologize.
They seem nice.

Well, you wouldn't say that if
you ever saw us at the movies.

All right, we got
our popcorn from home,

our soda from home,
our snacks from home

and Braveheart.

(triumphant music playing
over laptop)

Where you headed?
The airport.

Great. Just a couple of errands
and we'll get you there.

(no audio)

(door bell jingles)

That was one
bitch of a class.

Anyways, what
time's your flight?

It's in 20 minutes!

Oh, boy, I can't
make it in 20 minutes.

I better call
you a Lyft.

Come on, hurry up, get in!
(rock music playing)

I hope you like The Offspring.

Let's go!

(gentle pop music playing)

Oh, my God! Taylor Swift!

She's here with him?

You guys, Mr. Buell's taking

a door-open dook
in the bathroom!

I hope this isn't
too boring for you.

No, this is so cool!

I always sing
about high school,

but I've never actually
seen one in person.

(upbeat song begins)

Would you like to dance?

Sure. But you're gonna
have to stand back,

like, five and a half feet.

Cool!

You dance like an
unattended fire hose.

Wow! It's like your dance
tells a whole story.

Right?

You are the only one
who's ever gotten that.

Usually people just shove
a wallet in my mouth

and call 911.

You know, Chris,
I'm having a great time.

You're so cool
and down-to-earth.

I like you, too, Taylor.

I was scared
meeting a celebrity,

but you're so
nice and normal.

I feel totally
comfortable around you.

Well, why don't you
just kiss her, Griffin?

Sorry, I just smoked a joint
with the pickup truck kids.

(frogs croaking,
crickets chirping)

That was really fun, Chris.

I hope you don't mind
I made the band

pay me a royalty for each
of my songs they played.

Of course not.

And I hope
you didn't mind

I showed you who every
locker belongs to.

No, I thought that was nice.

I've never had a locker.

I just keep my stuff
in stupid mansions.

Can I finger you?

Sure!

Hi. I'm Taylor Swift.

I'm famous, but
I'm really nice.

Aw, that's one of the best
fingerings I've ever had.

♪ ♪

What are you working
on there, Chris?

Oh, I'm making a
collage for Taylor

of some of her
favorite things.

Here's flowers
and crop tops

and pictures of Kanye West
with his mouth shut.

Wow, you two seem to have
a wonderful connection.

We do, Mom.

You know, she's the first girl
to ever really understand me.

Uh, you guys?

You might want to see this video
Bonnie posted on Facebook.

Why are you
on Bonnie's Facebook page?

'Cause she's
a (bleep) smoke-show.

♪ ♪

♪ 'Cause I know you're ♪

♪ Just blubber
in a dress shirt ♪

♪ He licked his armpit ♪

♪ Then ate all
my dinner and dessert ♪

♪ Chris Griffin
is a pig in every way ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ Blubber, blubber,
blubber, oh ♪

♪ Blubber, blubber, oh. ♪

Oh, and some animals
give him boners.

(balloon pops,
"Auld Lang Syne" playing)

What the hell?

Why would she do this?

Wait, wait, wait.
What's that next video?

(rock music playing)

Oh, Daughtry!

I'm a mom, so
I love this.

Chris, what happened?

I-I thought you said Taylor had
a good time the other night.

We did!

She even let me grab
the part of her body

which on others would be a butt.

Wow, look at these comments.

Everyone hates you, Chris.

She's right.
Check it out.

You're already a meme.

Aw, man, Chris,
this computer is telling me

that you done Swifted up.

Why would she do
something like this?

Because this is
what Taylor Swift does.

She gets into
relationship with guys,

sabotages them, and then
writes angry songs about it.

I just wish
I could talk to her.

Well, why can't we?
She has a house in Rhode Island.

We could go today.

(gasps) Oh, my God,
we can go today!

My schedule
is wide-ass open!

Well, we can't
just show up there.

Why not? We've done
crazier things before.

Remember when
we sent that tweet?

All right, you ready?

Freeze!

We're the Internet police!

You guys are going away
for a long time.

Hey, what are you in for?

I said Caitlyn Jenner
wasn't brave and beautiful.

Brian, there's
some bad people in here.

Hey, what's up? I'm just
going to Quahog Stadium.

Okay, would you like the
AC on or the windows down?

How about both?

(gasps)

Pretty great, right?

It is!
It really is!

Thank you,
genius person!

No problem.

Hey, you ever go in a hot tub
when it's snowing outside?

Oh... What?!

Ms. Swift,
your songwriting team is here.

We got a socko tune
for you, Taylor.

Hit it, Morty!

(playing old-fashioned
piano music)

♪ Lox and bagels
and bagels and lox ♪

♪ I like being a girl. ♪

Okay, one thought.

What if we change
"lox" to "boys"

and "bagels"
to "problems"?

Oh, that's perfect.

Like when you changed
"pickle it good"

to "shake it off."

All right,
we got our homework.

Hi, Taylor.

Chris?
What are you guys doing here?

I wanted to talk to you.

Your house is way nicer
than Anne Murray's.

We broke in there, too.

Taylor, why'd you write
that song about me?

I thought we had
a real connection.

We do.
I really like you, Chris.

I just...

I'm sorry.
I always do this.

I ruin relationships
with nice guys and John Mayer

just so I can write songs
about heartbreak and moving on.

But don't you think
that's unhealthy?

You're never gonna find
a real relationship

if you keep doing this.

Listen, I'm sorry
I hurt your feelings, Chris.

Let me make it up to you.

Why don't you guys all come
to my show tonight as my guests?

Are you serious?!

Backstage with Taylor Swift?

Well, that'll be even cooler
than when I was in that remake

of The Princess Bride
with Bill Cosby.

Now, one of these has the
iocane powder, you see,

and one of them makes you go
sleepy-bye with your mouth open.

Hey, pal, where
we heading again?

Just go down
this dark alley.

What the hell's
going on?

This is what we do
to Uber drivers in this town.

(grunts)

(grunting)

Stop! Stop! Please stop!

The sound of your leather
jackets is excruciating!

You can't just buy a phone
and become a cab driver!

Please, I have two families!

(grunting)

(cabbies hiss)

Stay back!

Where-where did you get that?

Judd Hirsch himself.

I was a boy,
no more than 11 or 12.

Was on the side of the road.

Man with a hat
pulled up next to me.

Said I reminded him
of him when he was my age.

I was just a boy husking corn.

Didn't know what it meant.

Of course, we were
all husking corn back then

just to keep the lights on.

And you burned my car

while I was telling my
fake Judd Hirsch story.

(upbeat pop music playing)

(crowd cheering)

God, I hate everybody
who's not backstage.

This next song is a new one.

It's about my boyfriend Chris.

♪ ♪

♪ I'm pretty and I'm rich
and I'm in love ♪

♪ Me Taylor ♪

♪ I've met the guy
that I've been dreaming of ♪

♪ Me Taylor... ♪

(crowd booing)

Wow, they hate it.

This stinks!

We like you when
you're miserable!

You guys, Mr. Buell's taking a
door-open dook in the bathroom!

Why were they being
so mean to you?

Well, I guess they're
just used to me being sad

and hurt by men.

But I don't care
if they like it, Chris.

I'm happy with you.

I'm happy with you, too.

But it doesn't seem
like your fans like this

new happy Taylor.

Are you willing
to risk losing them

and jeopardize your career
and your art just for us?

I think I am.

(crowd booing, clamoring)

Oh, well, I don't
know if am.

What? What are you saying?

(inhales deeply)
I'm saying that

Taylor Swift, you are
a spoiled ostrich-legged,

no talent, big-footed freak.

You pretend
to relate to your fans,

but you make your bodyguards
carry your purse.

All your songs sound the same.

And your cats
aren't that cute.

Thank you, Chris.

This next song is
about my dumb ex-boyfriend,

who either mistreated me,
cheated on me

or went to massage parlors
when I was out of town.

(crowd cheering)

Wow, Chris, that was
really nice of you.

Yeah, I guess.

Don't worry, there'll be
plenty of girls for you.

No one will ever be close
to as good as her,

but we'll find you someone.

What about, like,
a motorcycle lady?

You know, like an old gal?

Her grandchildren
call her by her first name?

Let's get out of here.
I called us an Uber.

(slurring): How many tooths
is not enough tooths?

Well, kids, your father
may have gotten beat up,

but Uber's still a great job

for anyone afraid
to sell their blood.

And, Chris, I'm sorry
it didn't work out

with you
and Taylor Swift.

I think we're all sorry
about that, Brian,

but I'm afraid
we are out of time.

I would like to thank
our guests Taylor Swift,

Chris Griffin,
Stewie and Brian,

Cleveland Brown and his
band of Brown Renown.

Hey, we'll see you down in
Brown Town, huh, Cleveland?

Oh, I ain't even
gonna go there, Peter.

(plays slide note)

We apologize
to the greased-up deaf guy.

Didn't have time
for him tonight,

but let's see if we can
get him back next week

when Amanda Peet will be here
with stand-up Dom Irrera.

Good night, everybody.

(band playing jazz version
of "Family Guy" theme)

(fanfare plays)