Family Guy (1998–…): Season 15, Episode 6 - Hot Shots - full transcript

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

ANNOUNCER: We now return
to Rational Geographic.

BRITISH NARRATOR:
Upon realizing a trip to Africa



would be smelly and gross,

our crew decided
to stay in the office.

♪ ♪

Aah! Mom, Dad!
A bat, a bat!

Oh, my God,
there's a bat in the house.

Okay, all-all right,
everybody just calm down,

it might just be
Grandpa Munster.

Somebody set him up
for a funny joke.

Hey, Grandpa,

how did you sleep last night?

Yeah, see, if it was him,
he would have said,

"Like I do every night:
upside down."

(laughs)

Okay. But, Peter,



we can't have a bat
flying around the house.

We got to do something.

Don't worry, Lois.
I'll get rid of it.

It'll be a piece of cake.

Just like
my penis enhancement.

I want it to hang
down to my knees.

They moved up my knees.

Everybody, I've come up with the
perfect plan to catch the bat.

I bought this remote-
controlled toy helicopter,

to which I have
attached this handgun.

And I tell you, this thing
is not easy to fly.

Peter, that doesn't seem very...
Here goes.

Now, I don't have anything
to control the trigger with,

so I put it
on a timer.

But I don't remember
how long I set it...

Aah! We're all
gonna die!

Okay, so, now the bat has a gun
and the knives I gave him.

What? Why would you
give him knives?

I didn't think
it would matter.

I was counting on this
helicopter thing working.

Peter? Wh-Where are you?

What's going on?

PETER: In order to
understand the bat,

we must first
understand the vampire.

So I watched Interview
with the Vampire.

Cast your gaze upon...

Lestat.

Peter, you're not a vampire.

Oh? Then why am I
clad in velvet pants

tucked into soft
leather boots?

And why does my shirt billow so

in the wind
of that rotating fan?

Peter, what's really going on?

I'm just trying
to reinvent my look.

A guy at work said
I dress like crap.

Well, you show 'em
tomorrow, Peter.

How'd it go?

I was sent home early
and labeled a distraction.

They're having a meeting
about me tomorrow.

(alarm beeps)

Wha... Wh-What's wrong?

Ar-Are we taking a
terrible 7:00 a.m. flight?

No, no. I realized
to catch a bat,

I need to live like a bat.
So I got to be up at night.

It's a nocturnal mission, Lois.

Okay, but what
are you gonna do?

Well, as everyone knows,

bats watch a ton
of Cinemax softcore porn,

so that seems like
the place to start.

♪ ♪
(woman giggling)

Aha!
(squeaks)

MAN: Welcome back
to CNBC's Moneyline.

Oh, come on, man,
nobody's buying that.

You expect me to
believe you own stocks?

Bat Industries was up
two dollars a share today

in heavy trading.

Huh.
(squeaking)

Get back here! Damn it!

Aah!

(squeaking continuing)

♪ ♪

I got you now, Bat Damon.

I named you Bat Damon.

Aw, now I want you to live.

(squeaking)

Aah! Aah! What is it?

Aah!
Ow!

You can beat me,
but I am who I am!

Peter, what the hell
did you do to Stewie's hand?

It could be broken.

I didn't mean to.
It's just,

sometimes I don't think
before I act.

Oh, hey, high-five.

Hey, did you just
high-five that sign?

Yeah.

You think differently.

Get in.

PETER:
His name was Derek.

But he went by the Prophet
when times were good,

or the Law Giver
when times were bad.

I moved onto his prayer farm
with 45 other members

of the Salvation Star Boys,
who died in a mass suicide.

But not me.
'Cause I don't like root beer.

And I only drink what I like.

After it was all over,
I called Lois to pick me up.

She was mad.

But she's what Derek calls
an Oppressing Doubter.

May the light
of Derek's Invincible Diamond

shine through you.

Oh, thank you so much for
coming in early, Dr. Hartman.

Oh, no problem.

Hell, I used
to work here.
What?

Good news.
Stewie's hand looks fine.

Oh, hey, high-five.

Huh. As long as you're here,

I see Stewie hasn't had
his vaccinations yet.

Should we take care of that?

Well, I suppose so.

Oh, but first, I'm required
to have you read this pamphlet

about the risks
of vaccinations.

God, you are aging
so rapidly.

"Possible side effects:

fever, severe allergic reaction,
muscle and joint pain"?

Wait, and this can't be right:

they actually put
some of the disease in the shot?

Hey, man, how many
questions your lady ask?

Uh, like, a million?

But I don't remember
having to read any of this

when Chris and Meg
had their vaccinations.

Well, that was before
Internet chat rooms

made everybody an expert.

It's a better world now.

I-I don't know about this,
Dr. Hartman.

We might need a little bit
of time to think this over.

Yeah, 'cause we don't
want to make a big mistake.

Like when I peed
next to the chatty guy.

(alarm rings)

Hey, man, we should
get out of here;

the building's on fire.

Hey, pal, not now, I'm busy.

Anyway, I'll tell you
what's on fire: my urethra.

That's the last time
I go to a water park,

I'll tell you that much.

Well, that's
not completely true,

'cause I have a Groupon,
and I'd hate to waste it.

Plus, the truth is,
the kids...

Oh, my God...

I was the chatty guy.

Hey, you guys,
is that my laptop?

Yeah, sorry,
we were looking something up.

We were going to
get Stewie vaccinated,

but now, after our research,
we're definitely not.

Ah, no, Lois,
don't tell me

you fell for all that
anti-vaxxer crap.

It's not crap, Brian.

There's a lot of evidence
to suggest there's a link

between vaccinations
and autism.

Lois, all that so-called
evidence has been debunked.

Listen to some
of these ingredients:

"mercury, thimerosal,
aluminum, formaldehyde."

Lois, deciding
not to vaccinate Stewie

is something
that affects all of us.

The only reason they work

is that if a critical mass
of society gets immunized,

then the diseases won't spread.

Look, Brian,
I was skeptical, too,

but then I did some research

and I found
some very interesting things

from the leader of the
anti-vaccination movement,

Jenny McCarthy.

See? Proof.

Hard to argue with that.

And look at this one.

Glasses.

Case closed.

I can't believe you guys.

Don't you realize
you're contributing

to a potential
public health disaster

by not vaccinating
your child?

That's exactly the point--
my child.

He's my child,

and nothing matters
more than his well-being.

Oh, God, this is going to be
a Lois story, isn't it?

Game of Thrones is on--
just a reminder.

Yeah, we made
this mistake before.

We got the other kids
vaccinated,

but Meg still got chicken pox.

Dad, this is acne.

Girl, you nasty.

You realize the vast majority
of people think you're wrong.

Well, maybe that's
the problem.

We just got to
change their minds.

We're getting this town
to change its mind

about vaccinations.

Yeah. I'm with you.

Just as soon as I finish
getting the word out

about the one thing
more important.

The brothers who made
The Matrix are ladies now!

They're ladies!

Just one of 'em?

That's the thing--
it's both of 'em!

What are the chances?

What are the chances?!

The brothers who made
The Matrix are ladies now!

All right, come on, Peter,

I've got all the stuff
for our anti-vaccination rally.

I don't believe this.

It's bad enough you guys

aren't vaccinating Stewie.

Now you're trying
to convince other people

to make the same
reckless choice?

I'm also gonna pet
a bunch of dogs without asking.

Don't do that.
We don't like that.

Then I'm gonna try
and look at their teeth.

Brian, all we want is
for parents to have the choice.

Because parents know
what's best for their kids.

I hear Sansa finally
shows boob in this one.

You do realize they're
putting your life in danger

by not getting you immunized.

You could get measles, mumps,
rubella, whooping cough...

Oh, my God,
are you serious?

Very serious.
Even the tiniest germ

could make you very ill and,
left untreated, kill you.

Really?

I'd expect this kind of thing

from the fat man but not Lois.

Although she did
act like a nutcase

that time she went shopping
right before Thanksgiving.

Ready for Turkey Day?

(chuckles) Clever.

Don't eat too much turkey
tomorrow.

(chuckles) Oh, I won't.

Now, if only the meal would
cook itself, huh?

(cackles loudly)

(over P.A.):
Parents of Quahog

and weekend dads
playing three minutes of catch,

do you know that
the number of childhood vaccines

has tripled
in the last generation?

And why is that?

Because heartless corporations
make billions of dollars

by foisting garbage
and poison upon our children.

We demand that these vaccines

be tested by
independent researchers,

not by the companies
who make them.

Excuse me, are you the lady
selling the bullhorn?

What? No.

I'm over here.

(sighs) Damn it.

This doesn't
seem to be working.

Well, obviously, Lois.

You can't just go to a park

and list a bunch
of boring facts.

You got to spice things up.

Like I did when
I was a lounge singer

with uneven lyric density.

This is a song I wrote
for my beautiful girlfriend.

Her name is...

♪ Kim ♪

♪ I don't understand
why your father ♪

♪ Has such problems with us ♪

♪ Kim ♪

♪ Mostly I think it's because ♪

♪ I don't make my car payments
on time ♪

♪ But also because
I was dating someone else ♪

♪ At the same time as ♪

♪ Kim ♪

Two, three, four,

(rapidly): five, six, seven,
eight, nine, ten, eleven.

♪ Kim ♪

♪ I love you ♪

♪ But mostly I love that you
let me eat crackers in the bed ♪

♪ Kim! ♪

Thank you!

(plays final note)

(rhythmic tapping)

(rhythmic clinking)

(rhythmic ice rattling)

(claps)
Yeah, that's enough of that.

What the hell?

Peter, is that you
on TV right now?

Oh, yeah, that's my
anti-vaccination PSA.

Hi, I'm a medical guy,

and I'm here to give you
the facts about vaccs.

Fact: vaccinations cause autism,

paralysis, and even...

death, death, death, death,
death, death, death,

death, death, death.

Fact: "vaccinate"
rhymes with "masturbate."

Would you let a doctor
do that to your kid?

Fact: I still think Michelle
Williams is Carey Mulligan.

Fact!

Medical delivery
for badass karate doctor.

Ah, yes, those must be
the bones and skulls.

(bones clattering)

I see no boob bones;
the victim was a man.

Wow.

SINGER:
♪ Oh, yeah! ♪

ANNOUNCER:
Say "no" to vaccines.

Paid for with Meg's
college fund.

What the hell is all this?

I'm trying to protect myself
from all those diseases

I'm not vaccinated against.

Speaking of which, do
you have any idea the germs

you routinely
track into this house?

From now on I'm going to
ask that you wear these shoes

while indoors.

Where'd you get those?

Put 'em on and lick your lips!

Stewie, you might be
taking this too far.

Proper hygiene depends
on everyone, Brian.

For instance, I've already
Saran-Wrapped Chris.

(muffled):
I'm a gas station sandwich!

(dramatic music on TV)

We interrupt this program
with breaking news.

Childhood vaccination rates
in Quahog have dropped

to an all-time low, fueled
by a recent media campaign

led by local meddler
Peter Griffin,

shown here in the basket
of Henry Thomas' bicycle.

That can't be real, right?

Oh, I knew one of these
had to be my house.

Damn it, Peter, thanks to you,

nobody in this town is
vaccinating their kids anymore!

Do you even realize
the harm you've caused?

Harm?
What are you talking about?

I'm making the world
a better place.

Like when I was
the Instagram police.

(siren wails, then stops)

Sorry, lady, got to crop
the chotch.

I... will take this.

And cutaway complete.

(siren wails)

Man, there is a lot of bad art
in these hallways.

All right, Stewie,
see you after school.

Wait a minute, where
are all the other kids?

Haven't you heard?

There's been an
outbreak of measles.

It's all because everyone
stopped vaccinating their kids.

Oh, my God!

And it's not just our school.

Kids all over town
are getting sick.

(air raid siren blares)

OFFICIAL (over bullhorn):
Attention! Attention!

What the hell?

(crowd clamoring,
sirens wailing)

People of Quahog,

your town is under quarantine.

Until further notice, no one
may enter or leave the city.

Oh, that's the guy who bought
the bullhorn at the park.

Oh, this is awful.

It's all our fault!

And look, Joe's arguing
with a state policeman

over jurisdiction.

Thanks, Swanson,
we'll take it from here.

It's a state matter now.

No way, this is my town.

Thanks, guys, the feds
will take it from here.

Oh, no, this is my state.

Hi, I'm a crossing
guard who can walk,

so I have jurisdiction
over all of you.

Must be serious.

They brought in the big guns.

You happy now, Lois?

Because of you,
there's a measles epidemic,

and the whole town
is quarantined.

Speak for yourself, Brian.

I, for one, am enjoying
the indoor family time.

Who's up for another game
of hot-breath telephone?

(loud, mumbled whisper)

We're all gonna die!

Chris, you're supposed to
whisper that to the next person.

Peter, Brian's right!

We were wrong about everything!

We've got to get to the hospital
and get Stewie vaccinated!

Eh, it might be a little
too late for that.

I kind of destroyed
all the vaccines in town.

All right, what else
did I have to do today?

Ah, yes, overdose
in my apartment.

I better get home.

You destroyed all the vaccines?

Yeah, but it's fine.
There's nothing to worry about.

Is anyone else
feeling feverish, achy,

and acutely sensitive to light?

Oh, my God, Peter.

Y-You've got measles!

Now, hold on, hold on,
before we all freak out,

it might just
be full-body herpes.

Wait, you guys, Dad might
not have been vaccinated.

Didn't Grandma say
he was born in Mexico?

Nobody remembers that, Meg.

We got to keep you away
from Stewie.

You'll get him sick.

Oh, my little guy's
gonna be fine.

All he needs is a good,
old-fashioned game

of hot-breath telephone.

(breathy whisper):
Measles.

(yells) I've got to get
out of this house,

or I'll be in worse shape
than John Goodman!

I've got your EKG here.

How does it look?

Well, it spells out "Pancakes."

Oh, okay, so same as last time.

I'm recommending you go on
a strict diet immediately.

Nope.

Horses that make it look
like I can walk,

take me to Hollywood!

All right,
I'm almost done packing.

I've got it down to four bags
and a hatbox.

I'm gonna need some help,
Rupert.

Rupert?

Ew, that's the tushie
thermometer.

Dear God, you're burning up!

I have to get out of here!

I'm sorry, Rupert,

but the situation here
has become unbearable.

Like talking to someone
with adult braces.

So, yeah, last weekend,
Sheila and I took the kids

up to the lake, it was great.

We had great weather,
fired up the barbecue,

Sheila's parents came up
towards the end of the week...

When are you gonna
get those off?!

(weakly): Meg, you must
carry on my legacy.

Promise me you'll crop
the chotches.

Crop them, Meg!

Crop them all!

LOIS:
Peter, Stewie's gone!

I've looked everywhere!

Oh, Lois, I feel
a little better.

I think I could keep down
deviled eggs.

Lois, what's wrong?

I can't find Stewie.

He must've gotten
out of the house.

God knows how far he's gone.

Well, look, there's
a Family Circus dotted path.

It'll lead us right to him.

BRIAN:
Ah, it's just Billy.

He died of measles.

And here comes Marmaduke
to lick up the vomit.

Lucky.

If I can just escape
this quarantine

and make it to the next town,

I'll be able to get
that vaccine I need.

Stewie!
I'm you from the future!

You've got to get the hell out
of town before you get sick!

Yeah, I know.
That's what I'm doing.

Okay, I'm really here
because I know you have glue.

Give me the glue.

(inhales deeply, then moans)

Stewie, listen to me,

never, ever do this
great thing I love.

There's the bridge out of town!

So we're all there at the Clam,

just kind of
making music together,

and then Peter,
of course, had to join in

and clap his hands, and I said,
"Eh, that's enough of that."

(chuckles)
Yeah, I kind of run the group.

I'll just have
to go around them.

Good Lord.

I hope my shoe doesn't fall
to make me realize

how far the drop is.

(splash in the distance)

Oh, my orthotic was in there.

(tires screech)

Stewie?

Where are you?

Lois, what's going on?

That's one of
my sidekicks' wives.

He says he's in charge
of the group, is that true?

No, not in the slightest,
but, Joe, Stewie's gone missing.

We can't find him anywhere.

Lois, look!

(grunting)

I don't know if he can
hold on much longer.

We got to get him down.

Stewie, hang on!

Mommy's coming!

(train whistle blows)

Oh, no, upside-down train!

(yells)

Stewie!
Oh, no!

(continues yelling)

Sean Penn?

That's right, two-time
Oscar winner Sean Penn.

What are you doing here?

I'm bringing vaccines
into your quarantined town.

Any time there's a public health
crisis in a third-world land,

I'm there.

Third world?
This is Rhode Island.

Oh, really?

Have you seen some
of the delis on Federal Hill?

Oh-ho-ho! Rhode Island slam!

Ho-ho! I like you, Sean Penn.

Oh, my God, you saved my baby!

Thank you so mu-- Oh.

Sean Penn.

Y-You're the one who played
that homosexual.
Yeah.

All right, well,
I'll take my son now.

I've brought enough vaccines
for your whole town.

I hope you've realized
that vaccinations are not

a freedom of choice issue,
they're a public health issue.

Thanks to them, countless
serious diseases, mumps, polio,

smallpox, and rubella,
have been all but eradicated.

Like clean water and
functional schools,

vaccinations are a human right.

Great, just what I needed, a
lecture from liberal Hollywood.

This whole thing has been a
lecture from liberal Hollywood.

Well, it's a relief that
everyone's been vaccinated

and the quarantine
has been lifted.

Well, I'm just happy
that Stewie is healthy,

and only 150 people died, but
not anyone we knew personally.

Yeah, I know I sure
learned something.

(tapping on window)

Hey, do you like apples?

Yeah.

Well, I got her number.

How do you like them apples?

Oh, Bat Damon!

You got the best of me again!

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH