Family Guy (1998–…): Season 15, Episode 4 - Inside Family Guy - full transcript

TV ANNOUNCER: We now return
to Doctor Who Farted.

(people screaming)

Doctor, the alien
attack has begun!

We've got to return
to the 21st century!

Uh... we can't go into
the time machine right now.

But they're going
to kill us all!

All right, all right,
just one second.

So, how was your weekend?

I-Is, is it your line?

I don't...
Uh, no, I don't think so.

I'm-I'm sorry,
whose line is it?



Cut!
(bell ringing)

That was Peter's line.
Where's Peter?

Sorry, I was in my trailer
eating fancy nuts and smoking.

(sighs) All right,
everybody, take five.

Okay, I'll be in my dressing
room playing online poker.

That's me asking for help.

Hi, I'm James Woods.

You might know me
from banging your niece

on a pile of your brother's
pool equipment.

Or from Salvador.

But tonight,
I'm here to take you

behind the scenes
on the set of Family Guy.

For the first time ever,
you'll see what a typical

production week is like
for TV's 11th favorite family.



So please join me as we go

Inside Family Guy.

♪ ♪

(instrumental Family Guy
theme song plays)

Well, it's certainly not easy
being a family

that also happens to star
in a sitcom together.

Especially last year,
when I discovered

those naked pictures
of that 18-year-old intern

on Peter's phone.

But he explained
that his phone number

was the old number
of-of her ex-boyfriend,

so... what was it again?

Oh, the Cloud, that's right.

So the photos were on the Cloud,

and that the-the Cloud
pulled the pictures or...?

I mean, even if the pictures had
not been sent directly to him,

and that's why he has them.

And-and we both
called the Apple store,

and they said they can't
disprove that it doesn't happen,

so here we are, still married,
still on the show.

A-And it's happened
five times since then,

and some of the pictures had
both Peter and the girl in them.

Being on this show reminds me

of one of my favorite
quotes from Macbeth.

WOODS:
What's the quote?

(chuckles)
Whoa!

I didn't realize
this was a trial.

Objection, Your Honor.

Oh, yeah, it's great, you know,
doing a show with your family.

'Cause what guy doesn't
want to go to his office

and have his family there?

You know, and then you
go home after work

and catch up with the family.

And then, uh,
next day, same thing.

Just trying to make it to
the weekend, so you can, uh...

spend some time with the family.

Isn't that the dream?

WOODS:
Now, I-I understand the show

was quite different
when it started.

Yeah, in the original pilot,
I was actually the star.

It was called,
Chris Griffin: Teen Doctor.

Sir, I'm afraid
I've got some bad news.

Well, it can't be any
worse than what's in here.

(studio audience laughter)

I ad-libbed that line.

I wasn't even supposed to talk.

What they didn't know
is that I'd been privately

doing jokes
about the newspaper for years.

But, you know,
it's not just the Griffins

who work hard to make
Family Guy what it is.

Here in the props department,

some sweaty guy
is working on the Petercopter.

That's right.

You know, a lot of people
don't realize SEAL Team Six

actually completed
their mission in this puppy.

Oh, cool, Family Guy!

Over here!
I'm down here!

Knock-knock?

Yeah?
Hi, Stewie.

Hey, I was just showing
the viewers around Family Guy,

and we thought we'd drop in
and talk to you about the show.

You want to talk
about the show?

I'll talk about the show.
The show sucks.

The only reason I stay here
is to maintain my profile

Hi. Are you a straight,
adult male who likes

to eat crepes without people
making unwanted assumptions

about your private life?

place your order,
and within 30 minutes...

(doorbell rings)

Very masculine pizza delivery
for Stewie Griffin?

Oh, thank you.

Mmm, strawberry-banana Nutella
with raspberry drizzle!

Now I just need a guy's butt
to eat this off of,

and I got myself a night.

But of course,
every episode of Family Guy

starts with the writing.

And here we are...
the Family Guy writers' room...

...where the writers
are hard at work

with the show's
talented cast.

Look, don't get me wrong, guys,
I-I think it's hilarious,

and-and I totally get
that the sex thing

is what made me popular,
but would it kill us

to just once tell a joke
that brings glory to God?

Eight years ago, Glenn opened
a restaurant where he was

spying on ladies
peeing in the bathroom.

As part of the class-action
settlement,

he entered rehab,
and that's where he found Jesus.

The restaurant
was called Sprinklers.

That should've been a tip-off.

He still runs Dumpy's, but I'm
pretty sure that one's legit.

WOODS:
As the star of the show,

Peter likes to stay involved
in the writing process.

All right,
butthorns,

which one of you idiots
wrote this script?

Uh, I did.

Oh, what'd you write it,
like, on a computer?

Yeah.

So you know a lot
about computers?

Yeah.

Can you show me how to turn off
the flashlight on my phone?

(beeps)
Don't touch my phone!

And another thing, I read
this piece of garbage script.

It's only one page.

That's never gonna cut it.

Uh, that's
just the cover.

You can turn the page,
like this.

Well, why you hiding all these
pages behind the first page?!

What's wrong with them?!

Stand by your work
or get out!

Now, spit in each
other's mouths.

(writers spitting)

You know I'm only tough on you
'cause I hate you, right?

Yeah, over the years, Peter's
become just a total nightmare.

I mean, you know,
he's not Jim Belushi.

He's not peeing
in Snapple bottles on set,

which is, like,
a totally real thing.

But he-he's-he's pretty bad.

Dad refuses to interact
with any actors on set.

He'll only rehearse
with helium balloons

with crudely drawn faces
on them.

I'm sorry, Meg,
but you're grounded.

MEG: But, Dad,
the prom is tonight. Over.

(static crackles)

LOIS: You heard
your father, Meg. Over.

(static crackles)
(knocking)

JOE: Peter, you ready
to hit the Drunken Clam?

Over.
(static crackles)

It's difficult having to give up
my chair for the balloon.

But that's the business
we call "show."

Excuse me, Joe.

The Fat Man's behavior
has been deteriorating

for quite some time.

And I think someone may have

placed an anonymous phone call
to the network about it.

STEWIE (falsetto):

Word around the stage is they've
decided to finally fire Peter

and replace him
with another actor.

And this time, it's permanent.

Not like when we killed off
Brian for a few episodes,

so he could shoot
that crappy movie-- what was it?

It was a remake of Old Yeller
where the dog

gets the drop on him
and kills him first.

I'm sorry.

No, I'm sorry.

(grunting)

They miscalculated the number
of dogs who buy movie tickets.

It's actually
pretty awkward.

I mean, Dad's the only one
in the whole production

who doesn't know
he's being fired.

But he'll find out tomorrow
at the table read.

This is how we did that.

Bet you didn't know.

(low, indistinct chatter)

The table read is where the
Family Guy cast reads aloud

that week's script
to see how the story

and the jokes are working.

And where Peter will learn
he's being written off the show.

Okay, everybody, welcome to
the table read for this week's

episode, entitled, "Peter Dies
(We're Really Serious, No Joke,

He's Dead
and Never Coming Back)."

Oh, and there's other pages.
You got to turn them.

Here, let me show you.

"Interior, Griffins'
living room, day.

"Brian, Meg and Chris watch TV.

Lois enters, upset."

You guys, I have terrible news!

Your father is dead.

He was shot in the head
while killing himself.

I suppose he had his demons.

And his enemies.

Wait, I'm... I'm what?

Oh-oh, I know.

Stewie's gonna fire up
his time machine and undo this.

DIRECTOR:
"Stewie enters."

Brian, bad news.

My time machine got a virus

that causes Dad to die again
if it's ever used.

Oh, wait, you know what?

I-I bet this
is all Chris' dream.

Wow, I am wide awake!

Okay, but there's
no way this is real.

They'd have to bring in
someone to replace me.

"Uncle Ricky,
played by sitcom buzzard

David Spade, enters."

Hi, everybody.

ALL:
Uncle Ricky!

Hey guys,
a time period called.

They want an object back.

(laughter)

Aw, do we have
to go to Dad's funeral?

Let's just play
with Uncle Ricky instead.

"The family cheers.

They do not miss Peter."

I'm sorry, Peter,
but the production

just can't deal
with all your nonsense anymore.

We're letting you go.

Oh, please,
don't do this!

I'm begging you, just
give me one more chance!

(sighs)
Okay, fine.

(bleep)

All right, that's it,
you're fired!

And you guys are
all okay with this?!

I'm sorry,
sweetheart.

This is painful
for all of us,

but we just don't
see another option.

Yeah, Peter, we love you,

and-and you're
still part of the family,

just not part of the show.

Look, I don't know
who brought this on,

but maybe it's for the best.

All right, fine,
you bastards can fire me,

but at least I'm leaving
with my dignity.

♪ ♪

Have a good life, Mr. G.

Your penis is out.

Welcome back
to Inside Family Guy.

I'm your host and angel investor
to the Fappening,

James Woods.

Boy, we picked
quite a week to document

the production
of a Family Guy episode.

Yesterday, Peter Griffin
was fired from the show

and replaced by David Spade.

Given this surprising
development,

we decided to follow Peter,
and see if our cameras

could capture his story,
as well.

We caught up with Peter
at Hollywood's legendary

Chateau Marmont Hotel,
where I once engaged

in the consensual murder
of an underaged prostitute.

WOODS:
So, what's your plan?

Are you going to be
staying here for awhile?

Yeah, well, I figured if
my family doesn't want me

on the show, there's no reason
I should keep living with them.

I-I mean, there's no hard
feelings, um, I just feel like

this is best for me, and this is
best for those cancerous dicks.

And what's next
for Peter Griffin?

Well, starting tomorrow,
I'm getting back out there.

I already got an audition
to be the caring dad

for a Cheerios commercial.

Hey, Dad?

Yeah, bud?

When you were a kid,

what did you want to be
when you grew up?

Well, I wanted
to be a rock star.

Why didn't you
become one?

'Cause of you, bud.

I smiled at one girl
in a cell phone store,

and now here I am,
stuck eating cereal

for dinner with a kid.

You'll always be
a rock star to me, Dad.

You ruined my life.

I'm going to bed.

(funky bass music plays)

Wednesdays are rehearsal
days here at Family Guy

and the first rehearsal
with David Spade

appears to be
going very well.

"Uncle Ricky,

what are all these strippers
doing in our house?"

"Uh... each other?"

Hmm?

(laughs)

Oh, my God!

(laughing):
I'm sorry, I just...

(laughs)

Did you see
the way he smirked?

He's like a naughty
53-year-old boy.

Who is this guy?

I'm not familiar with him.

That's David Spade
from Just Shoot Me!

I don't know that one.

He was in Grown-Ups,
Joe Dirt,

Saturday Night Live.

Saturday what how?

And he was also in some
movie called Senseless.

With Marlon Wayans?

Oh, yeah, he played
Scott Thorpe.

Donna, I'm here
with Scott Thorpe.

That's right,
from Senseless.

Yeah, I got to be honest,
I'm having a blast.

You know, now that
I'm not tied down by the show,

it's given me more time
to pursue my true passion:

weaving sexually
explicit tapestries

featuring the Minions.

Did you have any questions
about the artist?

Thursdays at Family Guy
are reserved for shooting

all those flashbacks and
cutaway gags we love so much,

and what most people don't know

is that all these gags
are directed by James Cameron.

What's that?

I'm sorry.
(chuckles)

Apparently,
I misread the cue card.

They're directed by James,
the cameraman.

Tell us, how'd
you get the gig?

I sell Vicodin to
some of the producers.

What a wonderful
Hollywood story.

You know, many viewers
think our cutaways

are just whipped together,
but they actually

go through a rigorous
testing process before filming.

This is the planet Jew-piter,

and he could say,
"Next year is my star mitzvah."

(laughs)

They love it.

Tell the director.
Where is he?

It says don't take
it with alcohol,

but you should take
it with alcohol.

Yeah, duh.

I also need a couple for
the girl I'm babysitting.

Meanwhile, David Spade is
making lots of friends on set.

Yeah, I'll definitely
talk to the writers.

I agree, there's a lot
about your character

that's still untapped.

Okay, thank you, because,

like, yes, I'm greased-up

and, yes, I'm deaf,
but what else am I?

Totally.

Thanks, man.

DIRECTOR:
Okay, we're ready for you.

(high-pitched voice):
I'll be right there.

Who's the new kid?

Hot-chee-wawa!

Unfortunately, things aren't
going quite so well for Peter.

(phone rings)

Yeah, it's an '09,
fully loaded, extra cool A/C.

Great.

I just made $500
flipping a Honda.

All I did was
Armor-All the dash.

Boom.

(elevator bell dings)

Hey, any mail for me?

Yes, your death
threats to Grimace

have all been returned.

Well, has the Shamrock Shake
period been extended?

I believe that's
still seasonal,

but while I have you,
your bill remains unpaid,

and we saw you selling
our robes on eBay.

I'm afraid we're evicting
you from the hotel.

What's your
home address?

I'm sorry, sir.

Now do you want to
leave the regular way,

or do you want our Uncle
Phil to throw you out?

I think you know
what I want.

(shouts)

(studio audience laughter)

(distant siren wailing)

(hinges creaking)

Door was unlocked.

I'm sure that's fine.

Well, this seems like
a really cheery place,

and looks like some guy
named Brooks was here,

and I think this is gonna
work out just great.

WOODS:
You don't miss your show
or your family at all?

Of course I miss my family,

but everything comes to an end
eventually, a-and you just...

you just got to keep
moving forward.

Are you gonna
be all right?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I-in fact, I was just about
to melt some cheese on chips

if you want to stay
for a sad, single guy dinner.

You going oven
or microwave?

Uh, microwave.

I don't know how
to turn on the oven.

Those, uh, chips are
gonna be chewy, Peter.

Friday night is tape night
here at Family Guy,

but tonight they'll be filming
the show without Peter Griffin.

I have to admit,
it's a little strange

taping a show without Peter.

It-it just doesn't feel right.

I'm especially going
to miss the Fat Man's bit

with the audience where he fires

the T-shirt cannon
at his own head.

You know he once tried to hold
up a store with that thing?

(bell jingles)
All right,
everybody on the floor.

Empty the register.

Please, don't do this!

Oh, yeah?

You want to be a hero?

Here's what
happens to heroes.

Anybody else want
to be a hero?

Ooh, me, me, me!

Over here!
Over here!

And with regard
to Peter's replacement, well,

as his parents and
previous co-stars have learned,

a little of David Spade
goes a long way.

David, the line is,
"What's for dinner?"

Go again.

What's for dinner?

Hmm?

(sighs)

Okay, we can trim
that in editing.

He's getting on people's nerves.

I mean, there's only so many
jars I can open for one man.

DAVID:
Lois, I want pickles!

Coming!

He has tiny hands
but when one of my rings

went down the drain,
he got it right out.

WOODS:
Meanwhile, Peter has wound up

here at the Chinese Theatre,
where panhandlers

dress up like
iconic movie characters

and charge tourists for photos.

It's even seedier
than it sounds.

Step right up,
get your picture taken

with beloved comic
icon, Little Lotta.

Just two dollars.

Who are you?

Uh, Little Lotta?

She was friends
with Audrey and Dot.

Never heard of her.

(groans)

That's it.
Screw this.

I am taking back my TV show
and my family.

Ah, we just missed her.

Hey, Smitty, I'm here
to get my show back.

I'm sorry, Mr. Griffin,
but we have specific orders

not to let you
onto the lot.

Seriously?

Well, I suppose,
you could come inside

if you had an
idea for a show

the heads of the
network wanted to buy.

Bumblr with a Tumblr.

So, you see, he's got

a Tumblr account,
and he's clumsy.

We really like the idea
that the words rhyme.

Absolutely,
but just a thought:

what if he doesn't bumble?

Um... I-I guess so.

And are we married
to the Tumblr account?

They bought the pitch, but, um,
after a series of network notes,

Bumblr with a Tumblr eventually
aired as Bamblr with a Famblr,

which made sense to nobody
and is now in its third season.

It did also get me on the lot.

All right,
stop the show!

Dad!

That's right,
I'm back!

And, Chris, I brought you
a T-shirt of Kermit the Frog

acting like a hip-hop guy.

That's so dope.

Don't put it on.
It'll fall apart,

but listen, everybody,
I realized something.

I've been a real jerk...
to you guys, and to all

the union fat asses
that I assume do something

to keep this thing going.

The fact is, I got
too big for my britches,

but I know now that I'm
nothing without all of you.

Aw, that's nice
of you to say.

Thank you, Stewie,
who I can understand,

and if you guys can find it
in your hearts to take me back,

well, then I promise that
every day I'll prove to you

how much the show, and how much
my family, means to me.

Oh, Peter.

Of course we'll take you back.

Oh, welcome back, buddy.

We missed you so much.

My online poker problem
is burning like a wildfire.

Well, there's
only one problem.

What's that?

What are we gonna do
about David Spade?

Don't worry, I already
took care of that.

I got Sofía Vergara deported.

Hey, everyone,
cuchi, cuchi.

I'm your mother now.

So, all right,
let's do a show.

Oh, wait,
if my character's still alive,

that means we don't have
a script to shoot.

Oh, look at this.

We just happen to have

a whole extra
script right here.

"Pete, Don't
Fail Me Now."

(gasps)

Sounds like I might
be a teacher.

Oh, I have a goatee up
till the first commercial,

and then I'm a teacher.

Every week, Peter becomes a diva

so the writers write
a fake script, killing him off.

He storms out,
then by Friday's taping,

comes crawling back,
and we shoot the real script.

Of course,
he always forgets by Monday,

and then he becomes
a pain in the ass again.

Does it bother me that
he does this every week?

Uh, why don't you ask my Camaro?

WOODS:
So, I guess this actually
was a very typical week

on the set of Family Guy.

Thanks for joining us.

I'm James Woods, and we'll
close tonight with a supercut

of every time in the show's
history that Peter got hit

in the crotch
with a bag of nickels.

Ow!

(grunts)

(groans)

Damn it.

Oh!

(all laughing)

Why?!

Hey, Lois, you should do

that thing that
I like... (shouts)

Hey, kids, have you
seen my wallet?

Oh, nickels!

Son of a bitch!

PETER:
Uh, ladies and gentlemen,

we have now reached
our cruising...

Ah, damn it!

Boy, can't beat
this weather...

(shouts)
Who is that kid?

(grunts)

Hello?

Uh, hang on, I'll check.

Phone call for
"a bag of nickels"?

(shouts)

(groans)

At least he was alone.

They usually travel in threes.

Ow! Crap.

♪ B-B-B-Bird, bird, bird,
b-b-b-bird... ♪

Ah, nickels!

(shouts)

(groans)

Oh, damn it!

Do you think I'm ever
gonna be able to have...

(grunts)
(laughs)

Ow!