Family Guy (1998–…): Season 15, Episode 3 - American Gigg-olo - full transcript

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker.

Coming up, why one hello a day



to the receptionist at work
is the magic number.

But first:
pilot strike at Quahog Airport.

Picketing began on Thursday--
weird day to start a strike--

and both sides appear to be
at an impasse.

So Ground Control
is telling Major Tom

this could be a long one.

(chuckles) Does anyone else
like David "Booey"?

Hey, what the hell is
up with this letter?

It says I'm no longer covered
on your health insurance.

Oh, yeah.
They don't cover dogs no more.

You could do COBRA
for $7,300 a month, though.

Would that be something
you'd be interested in?

I need that health insurance.
You know I have a hernia.

What if I need surgery?



Well, if you need
insurance that bad,

maybe it's time
for you to go out

and get a job of your own.

This sucks.

How did you
get a hernia?

Actually, I got
it performing

an incredible
act of heroism.

(car crashes, water splashes)

Oh, my God!

Somebody help me! I'm sinking!

(grunting)

Hurry! I can't hold it!

Okay, let me just
unstrap my baby.

Oh! Oh! Oh!
Slipping, slipping. Sorry.

What do we want?

PILOTS:
Fair wages!

When do we want it?

Originally now, but it's
been delayed until 9:40

due to weather in Philly!

(sighs) This is a mess.

It's working about as well as
that animal sobriety checkpoint.

Excuse me, sir.

Is that a baggie of
catnip on your seat?

I have a card for that.

What else you
got in here?

Open container
of cat food.

Feather on a string.

Is that a dead mouse?

(cat screeching, hissing)

Get him off me!

Somebody get him off me!

(grunts)

(tires screeching)

ANNOUNCER:
Think catnip's a joke?

Think again.

Vote yes on increased
animal sobriety checkpoints.

Paid for by dogs.

(women laughing, chattering)

(dance music playing inside)

Ah, bachelorette party.

Can I fit this in?

Okay, cool. I got time.

Hello, ladies.

Wow, here comes
the bride, huh?

More than once, if I have
anything to do with it.

Finally, the stripper's here!

What? No, I'm not a stripper.
I'm a pilot.

(women whooping)

See? This is a real uniform.

Ooh. Take something
else off, sexy.

(excited chatter)
Oh, yeah!

(laughs):
All right!

Oh, yeah?

You want a little more, huh?

(dance music continues,
women cheering)

Yeah! All right.

Who wants me to stow my bag
under their seat?

(cheering continues)

Boy, and I thought the Federal
Hill bakery had nice buns.

(laughs)

You're talented, Denise.

You should
really go for it.

Wow.

What... a... day.

Please don't comment.

Oh, look at you.

Did you get a job?
Bitch.

Did I get a job?

Um, this ain't a life vest,
sista.

It's a work vest from a little
place called Mega Hardware.

'Cause that's basically
what I am now.

Just an everyday,
working-class Joe.

Well, good for you.

No. No, Brian.

This doesn't
feel right today.

Yes.

There's a rat trap
in that cabinet.

With a foot in it.

And somewhere in this house,
there's a footless rat.

Well, I'm off to
watch some Fox News

in front of the
old boob tube.

♪ Tommy used to work
on the docks ♪

♪ Union's been on strike ♪

♪ He's down on his luck ♪

♪ It's tough, so tough. ♪

Hey.
No.

I wasn't sure.
I'm sure.

Okay.
Well, got to go.

Got to do
some more picketing.

Seriously? It's,
like, 9:00 at night.

Yeah, uh...
well, it's, uh...

Cleveland's stealing
shot glasses!

I don't like drinking NyQuil
out of them little cups.

Where the hell's
Quagmire going?

The airport's that way.

He doesn't know we're
following him, Joe.

You don't have
to duck down.

I'm not. You took a pretty hard
right turn back there.

I've been like this for a while.

(dance music playing inside)

What's he doing?

This is one of them places

where women go
to see male strippers.

Some bisexual men
go as well.

(dance music continues)

I don't see him.

Ladies,
this is your pilot speaking.

I am in the full, upright
and locked position.

(women cheering)

Oh, my.

(music stops)

Oh, my God!
What are you guys doing here?!

PETER: Crap. Our
disguises didn't work.

Quagmire, I didn't know
you were a male stripper.

I wasn't. Not until
the strike, anyway.

I've been out of work
for three weeks.

I'm out of money.
I-I had to do something.

God, I'm so embarrassed.

Why? Stripping is
a very respectable profession.

If it weren't respectable,

why would real estate agents
go to strip clubs for lunch?

He's right.
This is tremendous.

Are you banging
all these chicks?

Hey, hey!
That is offensive.

I am a dancer,
not a gigolo!

Captain Cockpit, my friend
is about to get married,

and we were wondering if you'd
have sex with her for $500.

I'm a gigolo.

Oh, hey, it's that guy.

Are you gonna say,
"Who else but Quagmire?"

(clears throat)
N... uh, no, I, uh, uh,

w-wanted to
know if Quagmire

was available
tomorrow evening?

Are... are you gay?

Uh, of course not. No.

Uh, but I'm
unable to properly

have sex with my wife,
so I figured, you know.

Eh, who else
but Quagmire?

Hey, awesome cameo.

Hey, sorry I'm late, guys.

Had to stop at
the dry cleaner.

The dry cleaner?

Wow, somebody
struck it rich.

You know,
I got to tell you,

I was sweating
that pilot strike,

but now that I'm a gigolo,
I'm making money by the fistful.

Is that a giggity?

That is a giggity.

Hey, Quagmire, I
couldn't help but notice

you got some dry
cleaning hanging up

in the backseat
of your car.

Did you win the lottery?
No.

Well, I hope you're not actually
doing that gigolo thing.

You know,
prostitution is illegal.

Uh, uh, no, no, no.
It's, uh, it's something else.

Uh, uh, Quagmire's, uh,

selling online
Internet cyber stuff.

Wow. Good for you,
Quagmire.

(laughs)

You and Gates, huh?

(phone buzzes)

Uh, geez, I got to go home and
change into my Tarzan costume.

Uh, uh... for...
for... for the Web.

Huh. I got to
get a computer.

Excuse me. How many BTUs
does this grill have?

(chuckles):
Oh, man. That puppy?

More than you need,
less than I want.

E-Excuse me. Do you have
a small grocery cart

I could put this boat-sized
hunk of lumber in?

Probably out in the parking lot.

Can you tell me where I
can find extension cords?

Aisle 25.
I was just there.

26.
There is no 26.

15.

So Goby gets up
on the lift...

Don't mind me.

Just grabbing myself
a cup of mud.

I like mine black.

Black as night.

Black as sin,
know what I'm saying?

(chuckles)
Haven't introduced myself.

Guys in my crew
call me "The Ratchet."

Brian, it's not your break.

Get out there
and help the customers.

Brian? (chuckles)
Who are you, my father?

Ha! This guy.

Get out there!
Yes, sir.

That guy's got no idea
how hard I'm work--

Bird!

A bird got in! Awesome!

(playing gentle classical music)

(cell phone ringing)

PETER:
Hello.

Hey, Quagmire, what's going on?

Oh, you need a ride?

Yeah, sure. I can come get you.

I'm not doing anything.

(footsteps departing)

(door opens, closes)

Meg, that was the last guy,

so just lock up
when you're done.

Thanks for the ride.

One of my tricks
drove me here from the Clam,

and I didn't have
any money for a cab.

Why not? Didn't she
just pay you for sex?

No. After it was over,
she said she wasn't gonna pay.

Well, that ain't fair.

You can't let these women take
advantage of you like that.

What apartment is she in?
I'll go talk to her.

She's in unit 17.

You know, if you're
going back in anyway,

can you grab my belt?

It's reversible,
so I'd hate to lose it.

PETER:
Hey, you didn't pay my friend!

So I'm gonna play with
your doorbell until you pay up.

(doorbell ringing rapidly)

WOMAN:
Stop it!

PETER: I can do this all day.
I love buttons.

WOMAN:
Fine, here's your money!

(doorbell stops)

Here you go.

Peter, this is amazing.
Thank you.

Hey, you know what?

Here's a little something
for your trouble.

You're giving me a cut?

Wow, thanks!

No problem. It's just too bad
you're not here every time.

Well, I could be.

I mean, my days
are pretty open,

and I don't sleep a lot at
night 'cause of health stuff.

Huh. That'd be
kind of nice, actually.

Hey, maybe you could
drive me around and help me out,

and I could even pay you a
little something for your time.

Sure, that sounds great.
And you know what?

It'll be nice having
a little extra cash

to bet on
college football.

Yeah, I'd like to
bet a hundred bucks.

You want to pick a team?

No, just take it.

I thought you had the day off.

Maybe from the store,
but it's not like things

take a day off from needing
repairs, am I right? (chuckles)

Oh, looks like this cabinet door
is a good place to start.

Yup, she's off-kilter.

I'm gonna have
to plane her down.

Lois, what year was
this house built?

Uh, I don't know.
Maybe 1945?

Good, it's grandfathered in.
Thought I'd need a variance.

Don't want to
get a code vi.

(chuckles)
"Vi" is violation.

"Code" is just code.

I don't know, Brian,
it looks straight to me.

What?

It's straight.

I-I don't know
what that means.

"It's-it's straight"?

Oh, you mean plumb.

Y-You're saying
the door is plumb.

Wow, Brian, you do know
all the lingo.

Ah, come on, that's just
stuff you pick up on the site.

I'm gonna go use a miter
to jerry-rig a shim jamb

strap hinge
quarter-round soffit

two-by-six dowel
cherry-picker flim-flam.

You know, Rupert,
Brian's douche-iness

should infuriate me,
but the truth is he seems happy.

So I guess I'll just do nothing
and that's that.

(theme song playing)

Can't do it.
Let's get him fired.

("Workin' for a Livin'" by
Huey Lewis and the News playing)

♪ Some days won't end ever
and some days pass on by ♪

♪ I'll be working here forever,
at least until I die ♪

♪ Damned if you do,
damned if you don't ♪

♪ I'm supposed to get
a raise next week ♪

♪ You know damn well I won't ♪

♪ Workin' for a livin',
workin' ♪

♪ Workin' for a livin' ♪
♪ Workin' ♪

♪ Workin' for a livin',
livin' and a-workin' ♪

♪ I'm takin' what they givin' ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm workin'
for a livin' ♪

♪ Workin' for a livin',
livin' and a-workin' ♪

♪ Whoo! ♪

Boy, I have a whole new respect
for Hayden Panettiere.

(phone rings)
Giggity.

PETER:
I'm pulling up. You ready?

Oh, hey, Peter, listen,
I can't work tonight.

I'm spent.

That last trick was like

trying to use
an empty bottle of hand soap.

But you got to work.
I set up five appointments.

That's a lot of money.
Sorry, I can't do it.

You're just gonna
have to cancel them.

What the hell
did you say to me?!

Peter, what are
you doing?!

You trippin', boy?!

You're going out if I tell you
you're going out, bitch!

Okay.

What... what's in
your pimp cup?

Uh, it's actually
a wheatgrass, ginger mixture.

I was in the middle
of a cleanse.

I didn't know we'd be
doing this pimp thing,

but I made a promise
to my body.

(sighs):
Ah.

Not great.

Peter, what you doing
all dressed up for church?

This ain't Easter.

No, Cleveland, these
are my work clothes.

You hosting Family Feud?

No, I'm a pimp.

Um, Big Pete, if we're
gonna be sitting,

may I use my
penis donut?

Bitch, I don't care.

Dang, Quagmire,
you're lucky.

He take care of you.

Yeah, no, no,
it's great.

Um, I'm making
a lot of money.

I'm actually really happy.

I'm actually very hungry.

Nobody's gonna want
you if you're fat!

You want to eat?

Get up to that bar
and earn your keep.

W-What should
I ask for, $500?

You're not worth that
much. You're trash!

Ask for two.

You know I hit you
and whore you out

because I love
you, right?

Hi, there.
You want to party?

And can I have
some of your bread?

Hi, handsome.

You can't have my bread,
but you can have

something of mine
that smells like bread.

(gasps)

Okay, let's go.

Just so you know,
it takes me a long time.

All right, Rupert, if we're
going to teach Brian a lesson,

we're going to need some muscle.

You, you and you,
20 bucks for the day.

Hop in the back.

No!

Asiento trasero
Trasero!

Forget it, just get in.

Anyone who doesn't enjoy
the music of Josh Groban

can get out of
the (bleep) car.

♪ You raise me up... ♪

Okay, if you had a friend
who worked at Mega Hardware,

how would you
get him fired?

You ask him for papers?

Okay, good.

Uh, that, unfortunately,
won't work in this instance.

But I like your effort, Luis.

Uh, any other ideas?

You could kill a guy.

You know what, Carlos,
you stay quiet for a while.

I really only
need two of you.

You'll still be paid.

You ask for papers?

Okay, is there any idea out
there besides killing a guy

or getting
someone deported?

We do good job,
we live with you?

Well, you just
offered to kill a guy,

so you're not exactly number
one on my roommate list.

Now, let's go. I paid good
money for you, I need answers!

I want your best,
and I won't stand for

even one more
stupid idea!

You shake up boss's soda
and give to him.

When he open it,
it explode!

This is why
I pushed you.

Huh. I guess that Brian Griffin
is a good egg after all.

(shouts)

Griffin, you're fired!

(melancholy jazz music playing)

HOOKER 1:
I never liked prostitutes

because they sell their bodies
to all types of men.

HOOKER 2:
I turned my first trick

when I had my first
one-night stand.

I had sex
for dinner and drinks.

QUAGMIRE:
Being a prostitute is no fun.

You have to work nights,
weekends.

I hear on SNL the women are
funnier than the guys now,

but I don't know,
I'll never see it.

NARRATOR:
We meet Quagmire,

a small-town boy
with big-city dreams

who has fallen deep
into the game of prostitution

at the Point.

You know, some people ask me,

"Would you want your son
to be a hooker?"

My answer is always,
"Hey, lady, are we talking,

or am I beefing ya?"

I kind of want to see
Guardians of the Galaxy,

but I also kind of feel like
there might be scary parts.

Hey, honey,
you shopping for groceries?

You know what that means?

"Shopping for groceries"
is what I say instead of,

"Do you want to
pay me for sex?"

so I can't get arrested.

Stewie, did you hire
three Mexican guys

to shake a soda can
and give it to my boss?

What?!

One's Guatemalan.

Damn it, Stewie,
you got me fired!

Oh, who are you kidding?
You got yourself fired.

Parading around there,

pretending you know
the first thing about tools.

You know what?

You're going down there
with me right now

to tell them what you did.

Get your hands off me!

I'll go floppy
dead weight on you!

(groans)

Ah, crap! My stomach!

I think my hernia ruptured!

Oh, my God!

Damn it, it's bad. It's bad!

I'll get Lois. She can take you
to the hospital.

No, she can't.

Thanks to you,
I don't have insurance anymore.

What are we gonna do?!

I'll get the gun!

No, Stewie, you
have to fix me.

What?! I'm not a doctor!

Just look it up
on your phone or something!

Ugh, hold on.
I've got to update iOS.

Stewie!

Okay, okay, got it.

It says I have to make
an incision,

retract the hernia sac,

and then suture
the abdominal lining.

How am I supposed to do that?!

Grab my tool belt.

Use the self-sharpening
linoleum blade.

(screams)

And then hold the incision open
with a vise grip,

and use the slip-joint pliers to
get the muscle back in position.

Okay, okay.

Now it's saying
I have to suture it.

I've got some monofilament line
you can use.

It's from aisle eight,
above the chains and cables.

"Monofilament line,"
"slip-joint pliers."

I've got to say, Brian,
it seems like you really did

learn something on that job.

You're right. I guess I did.

But please stitch me up.

Just be careful
and take your time.

This is the delicate part,
because...

Yeah, I'm gonna
just use the staple gun.

Ah! Damn it! Ah!

You know what?
That was really easy.

That guy who killed Joan Rivers
must be terrible at this.

Hey, there-- oh.
What are you doing here?

Quagmire?

Uh, oh... uh, uh...

I have a hobby that
takes me this way.

Hey, I'm freezing. You got
a blanket in there or something?

I got a towel, but it's wet
because I'm eating peaches.

I lied about the hobby.

I was sinning.

I'm going to drive
away backwards now.

Hey, baby,
you want to party?

Get in.

You guys having
a good night?

I like that it's
getting dark earlier.

What are you guys
gonna be for Halloween?

Big Pete, help!

She wants to do German things!

German things!

What? No! He hasn't eaten
anything in days!

It's not gonna work!

Nein! Nein!

(grunting)

Ah! She's got us both!

Help us, pimps and hos!

Help us, HBO camera crew!

God, Quagmire, most of
that was horrible.

I know.

Eventually, I might
want to try it again.

Hey, listen, buddy.

I'm sorry
about all this.

I guess I just got
caught up in the money

and-and assumed you
were okay with it

because of the sex.

I don't know, Peter.
I think you're just mad

I didn't come to see
your Pretenders cover band.

Yes, well, that may be.

Speaking of which,
the Pretend Pretenders

are playing again
this weekend.

Uh, much like
the real band,

we have been
described as "meh."

Still, I'm really sorry.

Can you find it in
yourself to forgive me,

and maybe we can just
go back to being friends?

I'd like that.

Hopefully, the pilot strike
will end soon

and I can get my old job back.

Oh, the strike
ended a month ago.

What?!
Why didn't you tell me?!

I did.

No.

Ah, well. There you go.

Well, I'm glad Quagmire's
back to work for the airline

and that whole gigolo
and pimping thing is over.

You knew about that?

You know what? You were
sticking to your cleanse,

so I didn't really care.

I got to hand it to you,
Brian, you were a better

blue-collar guy
than I expected.

You finally earned
this nice, cold beer.

Thanks, Stewie.

Ha! Nice work, Pedro!

Let us know if you want us
to kill a guy.

Okay.

It could be anyone.
Got it.

You have no idea how hard
they tried to pierce my ears.

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH