Family Guy (1998–…): Season 15, Episode 2 - Bookie of the Year - full transcript

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

(crowd chattering,
lively Italian music playing)

Ah, the Feast
of San Gennaro.



Every child here
has seen a relative

murdered in a
barber chair.

Step right up!

Teach an old Italian lady
how to use an iPad!

Now, that sounds like fun.
I'll give it a try.

Hey, how are you?
Look what I got for you.

What is it?
It's a tablet computer.

I don't want it.

But you don't even
know what it is.

I don't want it.

But you can
watch movies on it.

My eyes hurt.

I'm trying to do
something nice here!

For the last time,
I don't want it.



I bet you if Joey was
giving it to you, you'd take it.

Don't you bring
him into this.

Joey was a good boy.

Oh, yeah, yeah,
Joey was a good boy?

You thought he was making
100 grand a year hauling lumber?

Don't you start
with this.

He was dirty, Ma!

I can't hear this!
I won't hear it!

He was an angel!
Oh, that's right.

"Angel Joey," great Joey,
perfect Joey.

I got to go
to the church.

Oh, yeah, sure,
light another candle.

That'll bring him back.
You watch your tongue.

Admit it, you wish it was me
in that car instead of him!

Just take your
little TV and go!

It's an iPad,
you dumb cow!

(groans)

I guess I don't
have any sons now.

Ma! I'm sorry, Ma!

Ma! Ma!

Hey, Bri, look
over there.

That guy looks like
Frank Sinatra, Jr.

Stewie, this is
Federal Hill.

Everybody looks like
Frank Sinatra, Jr.

Well, then
who's that guy

who looks like a
young Frank Sinatra?

Oh, that's Woody Allen's son,
but you're right,

that other guy behind him
is Frank Sinatra, Jr.

Stewie! Elliot!

(chuckles):
It-it's actually Brian.

We've-we've met
many times before.

Then who's Elliot?

I-I really wouldn't know.

This is a bad start
to whatever we're doing.

Well, now, what brings you
fellas to the festival?

My dad will drive
long distances for ice

with colored
liquid in it.

PETER:
They got blue!

And we all love
the Italian food.

Oh, you like
Italian food?

Want a meatball?

Yeah, I'm gonna pass on that,
but it's a shame

we can't get good Italian food
like this in Quahog.

Well, maybe the three
of us ought to open

an Italian
restaurant there.

Open our own
Italian restaurant?

I say, that sounds fun.

You, uh, you keep meatballs
in your jacket?

Oh, yeah, all my pockets are
lined with Reynolds Wrap.

I learned that from
my old buddies:

Dean Martin, Jr.,
Joey Bishop, Jr.,

and Sammy Davis
the Third.

Hey, where's Chris?

He's over there
playing that carnival game.

(Italian accent):
Step right up!

Everybody take a chance
on Whack-a-Big-a-Pussy!

(repeating rapidly):
Hey, Ton'!

This is not
what I thought it was!

(yells)

Oh, my God, Chris
is out of control!

I know!

It must be all the violence
in movies and sex on TV.

Oh.

See, I listen.
(chuckles)

Peter, we need to talk
about what happened

at the street fair.

Lois, it's an
Italian festival.

You're supposed to yell
"Bella, Bella"

and grab as much fat ass
as you can.

No, I'm talking
about Chris.

I had no idea he had so
much pent-up aggression.

We have to deal with his anger
issues before he hurts himself.

Ah, that's good thinking, Lois.

I've seen what happens

when people hold in
their aggression for too long.

Don't forget, I was
in that elevator with Jay-Z.

Hey, could you have
your guy hit "two"?

I got to get down
to the business center

to print out my boarding pass.

Oh! Hey!
That's gonna leave a mark!

(chuckles)
That's from a movie.

So, you girls traveling
with your dad here?

Hey, don't kick him,
Muddy Shoes.

He's got a white suit on.

Hey, look, I don't know if you
guys are really staying here,

but you can't get into the pool
without a room key.

Okay, Chris, your mom
and I want to help you

get out some of that aggression,
so I thought you and me

could huck rotten
apples at passing cars.

Oh, I didn't know we had
brown apple in the forecast.

Welp, we needed it.

Wow, can I have a turn?

(tires screeching)

Hey, which one of you
threw that apple at my car?

He did it.
He dragged me out here.

I wanted to be
in school, sir.

Where'd you get
a cannon like that, kid?

I work out my right arm
three times a day.

Mm, free weights?

No, mostly JPEGs of
Helen Hunt on my hard drive.

Well, I'm Coach Doyle, and
I head up the baseball team

at James Woods High.

What fake class
do they also make you teach?

Driver's ed, right?
No, wood shop.

Ah, that was
my second guess.

Tell me, son, how would
you like to pitch

for the high
school team?

Baseball's the sport
people play while eating, right?

Oh, yeah, sometimes I even
watch a whole Blacklist.

I don't know, I've never
played baseball before.

Oh, come on, Chris,
you got to do it.

If you don't,
you'll regret it.

Just like Jesus' friend, Evan,
who bailed on the Last Supper.

Aw, they did a painting?

I would've gone if I knew
they were gonna do a painting.

Here we are, fellas.

The future site of Quahog's
newest Italian restaurant.

Wow, this is a great location.

Can we afford this?

Sure we can.

I set up one of
those Kickstarters.

Then I realized
how stupid that is,

and I went to the bank
for a loan like an adult.

Now, fellas, the tables should
all be bolted to the floor

to prevent theft.

You know, most restaurants
go out of business

because people are
stealing the tables.

The toilets should also
be bolted to the floor.

I think that's pretty standard,
Frank, but okay.

Great. Now let's go find
some chump's restaurant

and steal his
tables and toilets.

(cheering)

James Woods is winning for now,
but y'all never know

what might happen
in the moments to come.

I mean, look,
there's two baseball guys

out on the bases right now.

What if they's run
to the scoring place?

BRUCE (over P.A.):
Oh, here comes a new boy.

All right, Chris!

Wow, I've never seen him
run onto a baseball field

when he wasn't chasing a duck
or being chased by a duck.

That a duck over there?

Ah, come on!

What the hell's
Coach Doyle thinking

bringing in that fat slob?!

You know what?

I bet you a hundred bucks that
"fat slob" strikes this kid out.

Ha, you're on.

Strike one!

(crowd murmuring)

Strike two!

BRUCE (over P.A.):
Ooh!

(exhales)

Strike three!

(cheering)

BRUCE (over P.A.):
Three strikes and he's out,

just like my cousin Freddie
with the drugs.

Holy crap,
a hundred bucks!

Hey, nice going, Chris!

Wow, look how proud my dad is.

Oh, my God, a duck!

It was a trap!

(loud quacking)

Guys, tonight
the drinks are on me.

I just won a hundred bucks
off Chris's baseball game.

Really?
How'd you do that?

This dad took one look at Chris
and thought he'd suck,

but it turns out
Chris is a great pitcher.

I'm so proud of the money
I won betting on him.

You know, I bet there are
plenty of other baseball dads

who'd also assume
Chris stinks.

Peter, we could make
a lot of money.

Yeah, we could make
Toni Braxton money.

Is that...
is that a lot?

It's a lot,
and then nothing.

And then a record whose proceeds
go directly to creditors.

("Centerfield"
by John Fogerty playing)

♪ Put me in, Coach ♪

♪ I'm ready to play ♪

♪ Today ♪

♪ Put me in, Coach ♪

♪ I'm ready to play ♪

♪ Today ♪

♪ Look at me ♪

♪ I can be ♪

♪ Centerfield ♪

♪ Well, I spent some time
in the Mudville Nine ♪

♪ Watching it from the bench ♪

♪ You know I took some lumps ♪

♪ When the Mighty Casey
struck out ♪

♪ So Say Hey Willie ♪

♪ Tell the Cobb ♪

♪ And Joe DiMaggio ♪

♪ Don't say it ain't so ♪

♪ You know the time is now. ♪

Frank, where the hell
is everybody?

This was supposed to be
our big opening night.

I'll tell you
what the problem is.

Every successful restaurant
has a hook or a gimmick.

That's what we're lacking.

(gasps) No, we're not.

Frank, you're the hook!
That's right.

We just need to make you
the face of the restaurant.

It may be the five loaves
of garlic bread

I ate this morning talking,
but I think that's a swell idea.

(tune of "I Wish I Were
in Love Again" playing)

♪ You'll love the meal ♪

♪ The fancy feel ♪

♪ The showbiz stories
while you eat your veal ♪

♪ It's family dining
with a mobster feel ♪

♪ At Frank Sinatra's
restaurant ♪

Junior!

♪ The wine is red ♪

♪ With lots of bread ♪

(as Marlon Brando): And portions
bigger than a horse's head.

♪ You'll burp up sausages
tonight in bed ♪

♪ At Frank Sinatra's
restaurant ♪

♪ Here's a toast ♪

♪ To our host ♪

♪ The food's not great, but ♪

♪ Drink enough
and you won't know ♪

♪ The guests will swoon
and Frank will croon ♪

♪ A "beep-bop-dooby-dop"
Italian tune ♪

♪ You dine like royalty ♪

♪ At Frank Sinatra's
restaurant ♪

♪ We got big plans
to please our fans ♪

♪ Our cocktail waitress
has enormous cans ♪

♪ A men's room servant
who will dry your hands ♪

♪ At Frank Sinatra's
restaurant ♪

♪ Our pizza pies
could win a prize ♪

♪ The jukebox catalog
is double size ♪

♪ It plays both Capitol
and, yes, Reprise ♪

That's "Repreeze."

♪ At Frank Sinatra's
restaurant ♪

♪ Gorgeous views ♪

♪ And top-shelf booze ♪

♪ Yes, we serve Jews ♪

♪ Um, that was
never an issue ♪

♪ So, raise your glass ♪

♪ You'll have a gas ♪

♪ But seating's limited,
so move your ass ♪

♪ And plant it firmly ♪

♪ Here at Frank Sinatra's
restaurant ♪

♪ Frank's restaurant ♪

♪ Frank's res... taurant. ♪

(music ends)

(chuckles)
Wow!

Look at this, guys.

I can't believe we made
all this in one game.

Yeah, I'm having a great time

handling this money
and then touching my eyeball.

Jerome, another round
for my blurry friends.

Yeah, we got a
good thing going.

We just have to keep
Chris's talent a secret.

TOM TUCKER (over TV):
Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.

Our top story tonight: the
James Woods High baseball team

is headed
to the district championship,

thanks to their secret weapon,
star pitcher Chris Griffin.

Ah, crap, now everyone knows
Chris is a ringer!

Tom Tucker just
ruined everything.

This sucks even worse
than when I stubbed my toe.

Aah!

Why does everything bad
always happen to me?!

Answer me, guy in box
and guy on cross!

(lounge music playing)

(indistinct chatter)

Stewie,
can I talk to you?

Look, Brian, I affectionately
pat all the waiters on the ass.

And if anyone has
a problem with it,

they should come
to me directly!

No, no, it's not that.

I-I've been going
through our receipts,

and we're actually
losing money.

Well, yeah, duh.

Frank comps every meal.

Look, he's
doing it again.

Little-known secret
about Charlton Heston.

Never used toilet paper.

Just drop and go.

Uh, here, let me get
that check for you.

(sighs)

Well, it's official.

Nobody wants to bet
against Chris now.

Damn it! I can't
believe my kid

isn't making money
for us anymore.

I feel like Jessica
Simpson's dad.

Well, there are plenty
of guys willing to bet

on James Woods High to win,
I'll tell you that.

The only way we could ever make
money now is if Chris lost.

Wait a minute, Joe,
that's it!

All we got to do
is take those bets

and get Chris to take a dive!

Wait, hold on, Peter.

You're gonna ask your own son
to lose on purpose?

Damn, Quagmire!

Your fridge gives you
water from the door?

Hey, champ,
what you doing?

My Spanish homework.

Oh, well, then maybe I'll just
say this to you in Spanish.

Chris, what the hell
are you doing?!

Calm down. This is how
they package Snapple now.

They're trying to trick kids
into drinking it.

You may not
believe this,

but there was a time when
Snapple ruled the nation.

Preposterous!

It's true. Even Jerry
Seinfeld drank it.

And he was the
president of the '90s.

But why are
you so down?

Dad told me I have to lose the
championship game on purpose.

He what?!

Peter, get in here right now!

Wow, someone's
day-horny!

Oh, hey, Chris.

Did you tell Chris
he had to lose

the district championship?!

Let me just get a
garbage bag. Hold on.

Okay, now that I'm decent.

Yes, I did tell Chris
to throw the game.

But it's okay;
it's for gambling.

What?! You're betting on
Chris's baseball team?!

Technically against
Chris's baseball team.

Are you crazy?!

Do I look crazy?!

What do you think
puts the food on our table

and the garbage bags
on our backs?!

Chris, your father's
a jackass.

When you get
on that field,

you try your very
best and play to win.

You understand me?

Yeah. Thanks, Mom.

But, Lois,
if Chris wins that game,

I'll be out a ton of money,
and I'll have to kiss a fella!

I take all kinds of bets.

Hey, Frank, we have to talk.

You've got to stop giving away
all the food for free.

Yeah, otherwise there's no way
we're gonna make a profit.

Oh, we don't have to
worry about money.

I might be doing a Duets
thing with that Lady Goo-Ga.

Uh-huh, that's wrong.

Anyway, the restaurant's
gonna go under

if you keep
giving away food.

All right,
all right.

Thank you, Frank.

I appreciate you
trying it my way.

Thank you.

What was that?

Oh, I get 40 bucks

every time somebody
says "my way."

Nancy gets 60.

What do you mean Chris
won't take a dive?!

We already took
a ton of bets!

Look, I'm sorry,
you guys,

but my hot piece-of-ass wife
says no way.

It's a weird time to brag
about your wife, Peter.

I don't know,
I've just been so horny today.

Oh, man, I don't
need to know that!

Well, pull it together, Peter,

'cause we're about
to lose a lot of money!

(sighs) I know.

We're screwed
once Chris takes the mound

with that awesome arm of his.

Wait, so what you're saying
is Chris isn't the problem,

his arm is.

I guess.

Okay.

We hear you, Peter.

Loud and clear.

Yeah, we'll fix
this problem.

You guys are
creeping me out.

All right, I'm gonna exit
while discreetly

checking out the hot chick
by the door.

You guys heard
what I heard, right?

Peter just asked us
to break Chris's arm.

Well, he intimated.

I don't know
what that means,

but let's go rough up
a teenager for beer money!

Oh, I call biting!

Okay, there's the baseball
team's locker room right there.

Perfect! And we look like
regular high school students,

so we'll fit right in.

Joe, are you sure
about these clothes?

Trust me. I bought the absolute
latest issue of Archie comics,

and this is what
the kids are wearing.

Oh, hey, fellow teens.

Wait a minute, teenagers
don't have wheelchairs!

(sobbing):
No! Oh, no!

(indistinct chatter)

Okay, guys, we've served
our last free meal.

Here I go with
the check.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Last time we ate here,

Mr. Sinatra's son
said it was free.

Okay, uh, everyone, new policy!

As is the case
with many restaurants,

you're going to have
to pay for your food.

What? This food
ain't worth paying for.

Yeah, the only reason
we eat here is 'cause it's free.

Look whose restaurant
thinks it's so good!

Oh, yeah? If it was Joey's
restaurant, you would've paid.

(crying)

Ma!

I'm sorry, Ma!

Ma!

I can't believe it.

They hated us.

Well, fellas,
we gave it our best shot.

If you need me,
I'll be back in Palm Springs,

which has been completely
taken over by the gays.

So, want to grab
whatever wine is left

and then burn
the place down?

Maybe, but first,
let's have an unearned

end-of-the-series moment
where we turn out the lights

on our own place.

Sorry, pal, we're closed.

(piano playing somber music)

(crowd cheering)

Peter, we've got great news!

Chris isn't playing!

He's not? Why?

Well, 'cause we broke his arm
like you told us to.

Shattered.
We shattered his arm.

You what?!
I never told you to do that!

You didn't?
That's what I thought I heard.

Quagmire, this is humbling,
but it may be time

for all of us to talk
about hearing aids.

I feel terrible!
I got to go find my son!

Chris!

Dad, my arm's broke!
And look, a Camaro!

Oh, that guy
must be so boss.

But listen, Chris, I had no
idea this was gonna happen.

Look, I was wrong to
bet on your games,

and it's even worse
that I told you to lose.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, that's okay, Dad.

I just feel bad
that my arm is broken

in so many places
and hurts so much.

No, Chris, I've been
a terrible dad lately.

You found something
you were great at,

and instead
of being happy for you,

I tried to use it to make money.

And now your arm is broken and
your baseball career is over.

Not necessarily.

What? What are you
talking about?

Well, for the last few weeks,
since my right arm's

been exhausted from pitching,
my left arm's had to, uh,

pick up the slack
in the bathroom.

(triumphant music playing)

(crowd cheering)

You see the pitcher?

That's my kid.

Aah! Son of a bitch!

CHRIS:
Oh, my God!

Sorry, Mr. Quagmire!

I heard that
bone break.

My ears are fine.

Well, Chris,
we're very proud of you

for making it
to the district championship.

Thanks, Mom.

It was really something, Lois.

The next pitch Chris threw
hit his coach in the head,

so there was no one
to take him out of the game.

Chris walked
the next 46 batters.

State record.

Wow, Chris!
State record!

Yeah, they got crushed.

But at least
I didn't have to pay out

all those bets
and kiss a guy.

But I saw you kissing
the driver of that Camaro.

That... that-that was
something else.

(weakly):
Baseball!

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH