Family Guy (1998–…): Season 15, Episode 20 - A House Full of Peters - full transcript

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

TV ANNOUNCER:
This program is brought to you
by Fruit Bouquets.

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someone you absolutely hate?



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about throwing it straight
into the trash six hours later.

Fruit Bouquets: the rotting gift
with flies on it!

Okay, I'm heading out
for ladies' night.

There's a casserole
in the refrigerator.

I'll be home at 11:00.



Hey, Lois?
Yeah?

How would you find out the
name of the actual actress

who plays the
AT&T chick?

I left a list
of hot commercial girls

on the refrigerator.

What is this "refrigerator"
you keep mentioning?

Are you talking about
the sandwich house?

(sighs) I guess
I'm not the only person

with a useless husband.

I mean, look at
Mrs. Butterworth.

I still don't understand why
we couldn't take my last name.

Well, my last name
helps keep a roof over our head

and pays for your hobby.

Hobby?

(phone ringing)

Oh, look at that.

My business line
is ringing.

Hello? Lamps That Look
Like Soccer Balls.

Yes?

Okay. How many would
you like to return?

Yeah, just send them
here, care of...

Mr. Butterworth.

(lively chatter)

Ah, it's so nice
getting out of the house.

If I had to change one more
diaper, I was gonna lose it.

I'm in exactly the same boat.

I mean, what would
our husbands do

if they had to change
their own diapers?

Different boat, Bonnie.
Much different boat.

Hey, I got an idea.

Let's crank call them.

Me first.
(line ringing)

(crying):
You're weak, Cleveland!

You're worthless and weak!

(phone ringing)

You found Brown.

Hello, Cleveland.
(giggling)

This is Michelle Obama.

It is?!

Yes. I received
all your letters,

and I do like
your mustache.

Oh. I've been doing
all your arm exercises.

Thank you, but those won't work
on your fat arms.

How do you know my arms are fat?

I deliberately left them
out of all the photos.

You're eating a pie on the
toilet, aren't you, Cleveland?

Who is this?
Is this a Jerky Boy?!

It's your wife,
you big dummy!

(laughter, phone beeps off)

(sobbing)

I used to have my own show.

(laughter)

(line ringing)

(phone ringing)
Hello?

(disguised voice):
Hello. Is this Joe Swanson?

Wait. You can
talk normal?

(normal voice):
What do you mean?

Never mind.

(disguised voice):
We're calling from WQHG,

Quahog's Hottest Hits.

And we'll give you $500
if you can sing Britney Spears'

"I'm Not A Girl,
Not Yet A Woman."

You've got ten seconds to...

♪ I'm not a girl,
not yet a woman ♪

♪ All I need is time... ♪

Oh, but you have
to be able to walk.

Aw, nuts.

(laughter)

Okay, my turn!
My turn!

(line ringing)

(phone ringing)

Hello. Don't say anything
about the 1998 Oscars.

I'm watching it now.

LOIS (disguised voice):
Hello, is this Peter Griffin?

If this is the fracking people,
I have made it clear

that I am 100% on board.

No, my name is Rebecca.

You've never met me before

and probably don't even know
I exist, but you're my father.

Hello?

How'd you get this number?
Don't you ever call here again!

(line clicks)
What the hell?!

He just got mad
and hung up.

He what? Why?

I don't know.
He sounded weird.

Like when he was an NFL
announcer and had to pretend

he cared about the
shows after the game.

PETER: Patriots calling
their third and final timeout.

Hey, after the game,
keep it here

for an all-new
Madam Secretary.

Tonight, Madam Secretary faces

an international crisis
in Pakistan,

while her teenage daughter
faces her own crisis

finding a date for the prom.

Madam Secretary,
tonight on CBS.

(sighs heavily)

Is this the longest time-out
of all time?

Hey, Peter.

So, um, anything interesting
happen tonight?

Yup. I finally peed that chunk
of poo off the side of the bowl.

You know the one you've
been yelling at me about?

Nobody... called
or anything?

Nope. So, hey, uh,
are you tipsy enough

to let me have lazy
Tony Soprano sex?

You know, where-where
I just lie there

and arch my hips a little bit
and breathe like a dying whale?

Uh, I don't know.

All right, well, just
in case, I'll be upstairs

getting into my boxers
and black socks.

(panting heavily)

Do you think it's possible

he actually has
an illegitimate child?

I don't know, but
something's going on,

because I'm telling you,
he lied right to my face.

Sometimes friends put wine out
for each other.

I just don't understand it.

I mean, we don't keep secrets
in this house.

We didn't even keep
the Pop Secret's secret.

Psst. Hey, did you hear?

Hear what?

Orville Redenbacher is gay.

But he has a son.

He's in the commercial.

His son's gay, too.
They're both gay.

They have sex parties
in the Hollywood Hills.

It sounds like
you're just making up stories

about your competitors.

You're gay, too.

What?
(kissing noises)

Aah! You're a psycho!

Dad, you're never
gonna believe what...

Chris, meet Orville Redenbacher
and his son. Watch.

And that's where
we get the expression

"gay as a bag of popcorn."

All right, I'll see you later.

What? Where
are you going?

Laser tag orientation.

Well, that's obviously not true.

Yeah, that boy
got lie-arrhea.

Oh, my God. I-I got
to follow him,

find out where
he's really going.

Good idea.
If I was you,

I'd stick to him
like glue-arrhea.

Okay, I think I'm starting
to crack your code.

Quick, Brian,
I need your car.

I don't know, Lois.

You're not on the insurance,
and I don't think that...

(moaning)

(knocking)

MAN: Fruit Bouquet
for Brian Griffin?

Happy birthday, buddy.

♪ ♪

(tires screeching)

What the hell?

Peter, what are
you doing here?

Lois! Uh, uh...

I was-- I'm just, uh, shopping.

Yeah, I'll-I'll take
a large sperm, please.

Nice going,
now you've ruined Christmas.

Peter Griffin, you tell me
what's going on right now.

(sighs) Okay, fine,
I'll be honest with you.

A long while back,
just before we got married,

I was a little short of cash.

What, to buy our rings?

No, I wanted to pay for dial-up
modem impression classes. See?

(dial-up modem beeping,
static crackling)

Wow, that's
pretty good. I...

(imitates AOL voice):
You've got mail.

Okay, but hang on.
You were a sperm donor?

Yeah, I'd-I'd almost
forgotten about it,

but then last night,
I get this call from a woman

who says she's my daughter.

Peter, that was me.
I was prank calling you.

You what?!

I can't believe
you would do that to me!

MAN: Can you guys
argue elsewhere?

You're making it tough
to finish in here.

MAN 2: No, fight louder!
Call her a bitch!

But I don't understand.

Why did you
come here today?

'Cause that call last night
gave me a scare.

I figured if I do have
a kid out there,

I want to make sure they're
not giving out my information.

They're not supposed to;
I signed a form.

Hold on, Peter.

I'm sorry I tricked you,

but if you do have
a child out there,

isn't it only fair
to let him or her meet you?

Eh, maybe you're right.

I mean, as long as we're here,

maybe you should sign
a consent form.

Okay, yeah.

All right, I'll do it.

You know what?

It feels good doing
something nice for others.

Like when I was a mentor
for Kid Rock.

Okay, I took a leak into
this can of Busch Light

without spilling.

You're ready.

You don't need
me anymore.

Will I see you
again, Peter?

Wherever a father weighs
less than his daughter,

I'll be there.

Wherever someone has a banner
for a football team

as a curtain, I'll be there.

Wherever there's a fight
in a Waffle House,

I'll be there.

Now go.

People need a concert to go
to after the water park.

(doorbell rings)

Hi, is, uh, is
Peter Griffin here?

Oh, my God.

Is everything okay?

Yes, it's just...
you look just like...

What's going on?
Who's this supermodel?

I'm Katie.

I'm your daughter.

You're what?

Holy crap!

Yeah, I hope you don't
mind the drop-in,

but the, uh, the sperm bank said
it was okay to contact you.

Wow, I guess, I guess I just
didn't expect this so soon.

Well, we were all pretty
excited to meet you.

What do you mean "we"?

ALL:
Hi, Dad!

We're all your children.
We came from your semen.

"Semen."
(laughs like Peter)

(all laughing like Peter)

"Semen."
"Semen."
"Semen."

Ha-ha!

Oh, sorry. Wrong house.

Look, Eddie's at
the wrong house.

Ha-ha!
Ha-ha!
Ha-ha!

Ha-ha!
Ha-ha!

(lively chatter)

Peter, how many times
were you a sperm donor?

Only once, but I had just seen
Uma Thurman in Beautiful Girls,

so it was kind of
a ka-blamo.

You ever seen those videos where
they put Mentos in Diet Coke?

Uh, listen,
I want all of you to know

how happy we are to meet you.

In fact, this calls
for a celebration.

Can you all stay for dinner?

Aw, we'd love that.
Wouldn't we, guys?

Yeah, absolutely.

You said it, babe.

Yeah, Chinese Peter very hungry.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
slow down there, Lois.

Just 'cause they're my kids
and they all look like me

doesn't mean we have
anything in common.

(farts notes from Close
Encounters of the Third Kind)

(gasps)

(farts notes from Close
Encounters of the Third Kind)

Daddy.

(farts notes from Close
Encounters of the Third Kind)

(farts the same notes)

(all farting rapidly in harmony)

I've never felt proud of
any of my children until now.

This is so exciting.

For years, I have dreamed of
one day traveling from Bavaria

to play the accordion
for my birth family.

May I?

(discordant accordion playing)

I have just
one question for you.

What are those?!

Oh, I get that
because this comedy

has just made
it to Germany.

Wow, you look
exactly like me.

(Russian accent):
Yes, I'm not actually part

of sperm donation thing.

I'm your secret clone.

We have been Orphan Black-ed
and you soon will be dead.

(silenced gunshot)

LOIS:
Meg, where are you?

(Meg's voice):
I'm right here, Mom.

Well, look at
your fine ass.

Are you talking to me?

Damn right.

I've been looking
around this whole house

for something
to nibble on.

I think I just found it.

So many confusing feelings!

Dad.
Sex.

Black woman.

Historically-low mortgage rates.

Ah! I got to go buy a house.

Lois, Lois.

Can I keep
the little person Peter?

No. They're
too much work.

But I'll take care of it.
I promise.

You always say that,
and I'm the one who ends up

feeding him and walking him
and doing all the clean up.

Excuse me, I'm a candidate

for a doctorate
in Classics at Wesleyan.

It talks!
Lois, it talks!

(grunts)

Whoa, that was close.

You almost dipped one of
your yabbos in the marinara.

Let me help you
with those.

Well, thank you.
That's so sweet.

You're the first person who
looks anything like my husband

who's offered to help
in any way.

Oh, you must be
Peter's wife, Lois.

I'm Larry.

It's nice
to meet you, Larry.

Weird hands-full
pinky shake?

I got to tell you,
it's so strange,

you look so much like Peter
when I first met him.

Well, I'm guessing you look
exactly the same, too.

You're in such great shape.

Well, I do have
tiny blue weights in my garage.

(both laugh)

(knock at door)

Oh, hi, Larry.

Hi, Lois.
Is Peter here?

Larry, it's only 2:00
in the afternoon.

Peter's still sleeping
off last night's party.

Then why... why are you still
in your pajamas and bathrobe?

Oh, that's because
I'm depressed.

Is that why that sad
Shel Silverstein blob

is following you around?

Who would ever
(bleep) me?

Anyway, we didn't
really get a chance

to finish our
conversation yesterday,

and I thought maybe we could
grab some lunch together.

Huh. That would give me a
reason to get dressed today.

Oh. Would you, uh,
like to join us?

That didn't sound like
a real invitation.

See, this is why no one
ever wants to (bleep) you.

Thank you again
for lunch, Larry.

Sorry I drew so many
Nazi symbols on the place mat.

I was just nervous.
That's okay.

I just wish we hadn't gone
to a kosher restaurant.

Ugh, but look at me.

I got ice cream
all over my fingers.

Do you have a napkin?

No, but let me help you
clean it off.

Larry, are you
turned on or starving?

Can't it be both?

(bones snap)

Mm.
Mm.

Wow, Larry, that
was unexpected.

Shh, we'll discuss
this later.

I have to get back
to my high school...
Oh.

...where I work...
Oh.

...as a janitor...
Oh.

...to pay for
medical school...
Oh.

...that I'm building...
Oh!

...out of popsicle sticks.
Oh.

That big one doesn't
blink a lot, does he?

Hey, Lois,
where's your purse?

Me and some of my kids
are going to the movies.

By the way, Dwarf Peter died.

I didn't know what he ate,
so I gave him nothing.

His name was Tyler.

He had a name.

Everything you say,
you say with pride.

I like that about you.

Anyway, where's Larry?

Maybe he wants
to go to the movie.

Larry?

Why would I know where Larry is?

And who is Larry?

Well, never mind.

All right,
everybody bring your phones

so we can text each other
during the movie.

Wow, you want to tell me
what that was?

Oh, Brian, Larry and I sort
of crossed a line yesterday.

I don't know, he's just
so sweet and fun-loving,

and for God's sake,

he looks just like Peter
did when he was his age.

Yeah, but...?

Well, he kissed me
and I kind of let him.

I told him it could never
happen again and that...

What are you doing?

Oh, I-I thought that was kind of
like, "I'm open for business."

No! I'm confiding
in a friend.

Oh! You're the safe friend.

Look, I feel awful about it,
but I told Larry that was it,

and we couldn't be anything
more than friends.

So, you're still
gonna see him?

Yes, of course;
he's a nice young man

and he's
practically family.

ZOLOFT BLOB:
Lois!

No! Zoloft Blob, don't!

(gunshot)

(groans)

Is everything okay?

Yeah, I-I'm fine, I just
hurt my neck this morning

vigorously nodding
approval to Judge Judy.

Okay, all right,
the doctor is in.

Come on,
back it up over here.

Somebody's got
a neck massage coming.

Ah, right there.

Okay, but let's
keep this friendly.

You can choke me
for just a second.

You know, maybe I should just
go ahead and do your whole back.

Yeah, your bra strap is
getting in the way here.

I'll just bite it off
with my teeth.

Lois, is a president
stronger than a king?

What the hell?!

Oh, Peter.

L-Look, calm down.
We're just friends.

H-He's just giving me
a friendly massage.

A friendly massage?!

Yeah, and what
do you care?

When's the last time you
did anything nice for me?

I ate that gross
pasta you made.

I might as well just
tell you, Peter.

I'm in love with Lois.

I knew it the
moment we kissed.

Kissed?!

Is that true?!

Yes, Peter, but I...

You son of a bitch!

♪ ♪

(grunts)

(panting)

(grunting)

Everybody says, "We don't need
a homeowners' association.

That's stupid, Quagmire."

Well, this is why
a homeowners' association.

(grunts in slow motion)

(grunts)

What the hell?!

Lois?!

What'd you do that for?

I thought you and him were
girlfriend and boyfriend.

He was not
my boyfriend, Peter.

And I wasn't about to stand by
and watch him kick your ass.

I was holding
my own there.

You were getting beat up.

No, no, I meant I was
holding my own nuts

so he wouldn't kick them.

But if he's not your boyfriend,
why'd you kiss him?

He kissed me.

And I should've told you.

I'm sorry if I hurt you, Peter.

I guess Larry just reminded me
of a younger version of you,

and the truth is,

I liked that he was paying me
a little attention,

the way you used to.

(sighs)

Maybe I have been
taking you for granted,

but I promise
I'll make it up to you.

I'll be the best husband ever.

You already are.

For God's sakes,
when push came to shove,

you stood toe-to-toe with a much
younger man and fought for me.

Oh, hey, by the way,
uh, thanks, all my kids,

for stepping in to help.

Really, really
appreciate that.

But you're right, Lois.
I'm gonna change.

I'm gonna do all the stuff
for you that Larry was doing.

No, Peter, I don't need
any of that.

At our age, all I'm really
looking for in a husband

is someone who wants to watch TV
with me on a Saturday night

and isn't afraid
to pop a zit on my back.

"Afraid"?
I love doing that.

It's like bubble wrap

you get to have sex with
every now and then.

I got a pretty good one
going right now, Peter.

You always do, Lois.

I love you.

Mm.

NARRATOR: From that day forward,
Peter and Lois never again...

Ooh, nope, sorry, there's still
another scene left.

Well, Peter, turns out your
initial instinct was right.

You never should've let any
of your children contact you.

You said it.

From now on,
I'm making sure my sperm

stays right where it belongs:
in the bathroom sink.

(laughter)

(laughs like Peter)

(laughs like Peter)

(all laughing like Peter)

(Peter's voice):
We have fun down here.