Family Guy (1998–…): Season 15, Episode 19 - Dearly Deported - full transcript

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

Ah, the water park.

Happy anniversary, Lois.



Everybody meet back
here in six hours.

I can't wait to get
everyone else's

body water in my mouth.

Uh, where's the slide?

Just eat this Starburst.

Wow, lemons, oranges, cherries.

So juicy!
(thud)

I don't think
that was a Starburst.

I think that may have
just been acid.

Would you like to ride
the Skittles rainbow now?

Is it also acid?

My friend, I'm an adult
who works at a water park.

If I give you something,
it's acid.

No going down headfirst,



and wait till I
say it's okay.

Go. Go. Go.

Hey!

MEG:
I'm gaining on you, Brian.

BRIAN: Meg, slow down.
You're coming way too fast.

Ew, Brian, what happened?

(muffled speech):
I don't know.

Hey, idiot,

you got to wait
till the guy says go.

Excuse me, do you think
you can help me out?

Sure, just let me do
an awkward, extremely

unattractive pool walk
over to you.

(grunting)

(exhales):
Hey, what's up?

My top came off
on the slide.

I think I may have seen
you put it in your shorts.

Okay, well,
here's my shorts.

Just fish out
the one that's yours.

Thank you so much.

I'm Isabella.

I'm Chris.

Listen, my aunt is
waiting for me,

but it was nice
to meet you, Chris.

You, too.

Enjoy the boobs
of your morning.

Afternoon!

Enjoy the boobs
of your afternoon.

(laughs)

My word, Chris, that girl
was totally into you.

You should ask her out.

Really? But what
if she says no?

Hey, if you want something,
you've got to go for it.

Just like the fat man did
when he changed his name.

I'm looking for a Peter Ferrari.

Obviously, that's me.

Yes, there's a soiled pair
of Ferrari underwear

in the men's room trash.

Who took 'em out of the sink?

They were soaking.

Sir, I can't park this.

There's diarrhea all over
the front seat

of your PT Cruiser.

Isabella, listen,
I'm not great at this,

but... (grunts)

Told you.

Also, I was wondering
if there's any chance

you'd maybe want to go
out with me sometime.

Oh, Chris, that's sweet,

but I don't think you'd
want to go out with me.

Why not?
It's just that,

well, I have kids.

Oh, wow.
And a couple of cuties.

We got any teeth coming in?

Oh, oh, I think
I feel something.

Please, please don't do that.

Hey, your aunt is Consuela?
Hi, Consuela.

You two know each other?
Oh, yeah.

"Lemon Pledge," "No, no."
All that stuff.

Is time to go.

Lemon Pledge, no, no.

(laughs)
See?

But wait, Isabella,

I don't care that you have kids.

I'd still like
to go out with you.

Wow, that's really
sweet, Chris.

Okay, you're on.

Here's my number.

Oh, boy, I haven't
been this excited

since our trip to Philadelphia.

MAN (over P.A.):
Ladies and gentlemen,

Flight 427 to Philadelphia
has been canceled.

ALL:
Yay!

(slurping)

I saw Lady and the Tramp,
so I asked if we could

eat spaghetti in the alley,
but they said no,

because of all
the homeless masturbation.

Oh, I love that movie.

Chris, I'm having a really
nice time with you.

You are? Listen,
this is probably lame,

but I learned a little bit
of your language,

and I just wanted to say...

(speaking Korean)

What language is that?

You're Korean,
are you not?

No, I'm Mexican.

(speaking Korean)

(laughing)

Hey, Chris.
Where are you off to?

Oh, Isabella's coming by,

and we're gonna take
the kids to the park.

Wow, you two are spending
a lot of time together.

Uh, are you sure you want
to date a girl

who's... had so much experience?

What do you mean?

Like, maybe she's got
some city miles

on her voo-voo.

Not to mention
a couple of blowouts.

(chuckles):
Hey, Bri...
Yup, I heard you.

She's talking about
her kids, Chris.

Oh, I don't care
about that, Mom.

I just want to make sure you're
not getting in over your head.

Well, I'm sure someone's
already been in there

deeper than that, Lois.

(chuckles):
Brian.

(knock on door)

Oh, hello, Isabella.

Hi, Mrs. Griffin,
Mr. Griffin.

Mr. Griffin's up here,
sweetheart.

Well, I guess
you two have fun.

Okay, bye.

Look, I can see why
you're concerned

that Chris' girlfriend has kids,

but he's happy, and she seems
like she's into him.

Plus, she's... she's hot.

Yeah, she is.

I bit my lip off.

(thump on window)

(thump)
(sighs)

(thump)
Go away, Mr. Herbert!

HERBERT: It's not me.
I'm in your closet.

Isabella.

Is everything okay?

Chris, I just wanted
to say good-bye.

Wha-What do you mean?

I found out that I'm
going to be deported.

They're sending me back
to Mexico in the morning.

So, in other words,
this could have waited

till the morning?

I didn't want to leave
without saying good-bye.

But they can't
send you away.

There's got to be
something we can do.

Unfortunately, there's not.

But don't worry,
I'm planning on

getting back into the
country as soon as I can.

What are you gonna do,

just leave the babies
with Consuela?

I wish I could, but she
works seven days a week,

between housekeeping

and being the
new CEO of Yahoo.

Maybe we should improve
our business model.

No, no.

Improve our
original content?

No, no.

So we have no
corporate identity?

We secondary e-mail people use

to sign up for porn sites.

So, are you taking
your boys back with you?

I guess I have no choice.

But I hate having to.

The whole reason
I left Mexico

was to give them
a better life.

Well, I could take them
until you get back.

I mean, I'm no expert
at this sort of thing,

but...
(grunting)

Wow, you're getting
better at that.

But I can't ask you to
take care of my children.

Isabella, I want to do this.

Chris, stop.

You would really look
after my kids for me?

Of course I would.

You're a wonderful man,
Chris Griffin.

Thank you. Gracias.

I'll be back as
soon as I can.

Don't worry, I'm gonna
take good care of you.

I'm gonna call you "Juan,"

and I'm gonna call you "Two."

Good, he's been
reading the book.

Uh, Dad, you're reading
the paper upside down.

Wrong again, idiot.

Chris, what are you doing
with Isabella's babies?

And why are you
holding them that way?

You'll hurt them.
Where's Isabella?

She got deported this morning.

Deported? A-And she just
left her babies with you?

Well, just until
she can come back.

Chris, are you crazy?

What makes you think you can
take care of two babies?

I don't know, I've seen
her take care of them.

I see you with Stewie.

Frankly, it doesn't
seem that hard.

You just shattered her world.

Shattered.

Absolutely not, Chris.
I will not allow this.

Look, I made a promise
to Isabella,

and I'm gonna keep it.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

these two need to eat.

He bought a breast-feeding book.

Someone may want
to pop in on him.

There's no way Chris is
gonna be able to take care

of two babies.

Well, maybe he should
have thought of that

before he opened
his slut legs.

No, Peter, that's not...

Anyway, we got to call
Child Services.

Lois, if you do that,
Chris will resent you

for the rest of his life.

Then what do you
suggest we do?

I say you let him try.

Trust me, one day
of watching those kids,

and he'll want
them out of here.

(sighs)
All right, fine.

Yes, taking care of kids
is a 24-hour job.

Like when I worked
at that all-night diner

from that painting.

They kicked me out of
the war for kissing a guy.

All right, guys, nothing
but the best for you two,

so I got you all-organic,
non-GMO, no-hormone food.

That'll be $500.

Ah, well, sorry, kids.

Looks like we're gonna
go to Jersey Mike's

and hope that future
science will save us.

Yay, we're jar people!

Ah! Science, help!

ANNOUNCER:
Jersey Mike's.

Bring your girlfriend
with the fat ass in here.

Hey, guys, how
about a little TV?

We can watch a baby
thing together.

Baby Einstein,
Muppet Babies.

Uh, what's CSI: Babies?

(babies crying)
STEWIE: What's this?

They can't solve this crime,
they're just frightened babies.

They don't even know
it's a crime,

they just know
their parents aren't there.

They're scared, now I'm scared.
Turn this off!

Aah, that's not what I want!

Aah, I'm gonna go hide
in my couch fort!

Is CSI: Babies
over yet?

(knocks on door)

Oh, hello, Consuela.

You must be here
for the twins.

No, no take babies.

I have good news
and ay, ay, ay news.

Okay, give us the
ay, ay, ay news first.

Isabella no can
come back.

Stuck in Mexico.

The babies,
they stay here.

What?!

What's the good news?

Good news is bus get
new wiper blades.

No more
"ee-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa."

"Ee-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa."

Well, these kids
are not staying here.

You got to take them.

How can I
take them...

when I was
never here?

Wow, she's like the
Mexican David Blaine.

Wait, is David
Blaine Mexican?

He's something.

Peter, forget that.

What are we gonna do?

Chris can't just be stuck
with these babies.

Why not?

I'm doing a great job.

I love Isabella
and I love her kids.

Chris, you're living
in a dreamland.

How are you gonna
support two babies?

I could just take some time off
school and get a job.

No, absolutely not.

Well, now-now hold on,
Lois, hold on,

maybe Chris getting a job's
not the worst idea.

I mean, I made
pretty good money

when I hosted that
confusing game show.

All right, Phil, come stand
by me, it's Ashley's turn.

Ashley, go ahead, pick an
answer, find a question,

spin the table, and remember,
the clock is ticking backwards.

I'll pass?
(buzzer sound)

Congrats, you win.

Sorry to
see you go.

And, Phil, we'll
see you tomorrow.

Well, that's all
the time we have.

For those of you
playing at home, why?

And how?

Audience?

AUDIENCE:
Why... and... how!

Stop that!

Forget it, I will not
allow you to drop out of school.

If Isabella can't get here
to take her kids back,

we'll just have
to bring them to her.

What?
What do you mean?

I mean we're
going to Mexico

so we can give these kids
back to their mother.

Peter, back
me up here.

♪ Let's get those kids
back to their mama. ♪

(clap twice)

Look how winded he is
from doing that one spin.

(breathing heavily):
Your mother's right, Chris.

We're going to Mexico.

Oh.

I got to sit.

All right, we're off to Mexico.

If you kids are good,
we'll bring you back

a tangled marionette.

Is it gonna be a
long trip, Dad?

No, not too bad.

Especially since we're gonna do
it to the wrong stock footage.

♪ ♪

Boy, what a trip.

(chicken clucks)

Chris, are you sure
this is Isabella's village?

(goat bleats)
This place looks pretty rough.

Yeah, this is it.

Santa Terrible.

Look, there
she is!

Chris!

What in the Mind of Mencia
are you doing here?

(gasps)
My babies!

Isabella, I missed
you so much.

Ay, Chris, I missed you, too.

Look, Isabella, you shouldn't be
separated from your children,

so we've brought them to you.

We wish you all the best.

Say good-bye, Chris.

Mom, we can't just
leave them here.

This is no place for
Isabella to raise a family.

(various animal noises,
siren chirps)

(handcuffs click)

Oh, you're right, Chris.

I didn't want you to have to
raise those babies yourself.

But as a mom, I don't know
if I can in good conscience

leave this family here.

We'll just have to smuggle
her and her babies back in.

Well, no one's better at
smuggling than El Chapo.

Maybe he can help us.

How are you gonna get
El Chapo to help?

It's easy.

All you got to do is say
"dyed black eyebrows"

into the wind,
and he appears.

Dyed black eyebrows.

Can I help you?

Peter Gallagher?

Maybe I can help.

Mark Cuban?

Oh, we're getting all
the wrong eyebrow guys.

Mrs. Griffin, you
would take the risk

of smuggling me and my
children across the border?

But you could
be arrested.

I realize that,
but you have just as much right

to a decent life for your
children as anyone else.

Now we just need a plan.

All right,
what if we...

run!

(coughs)
Damn it, Peter!

What about Quagmire?

He could probably get
his hands on a plane.

Lois, that's actually
a great idea.

"Actually"?

W-Why are you
saying it like that?

And Quagmire owes me
a favor anyway, remember?

Last time he went out of town,
I sat on his eggs for him.

LOIS:
Peter, it's time for lunch.

Sorry, Lois, can't leave the
eggs till Quagmire gets back.

We're having
sloppy joes.

Well, I guess I haven't seen
that mongoose in a while.

LOIS: We're having
sloppy joes.

Yeah, I heard.

Please say you got
the onion bun...

We're having sloppy joes.

(gasps)
Mongoose!

(gasps)
Mongeese!

Hey, just a heads-up, my
dad's friend, Mr. Quagmire,

is gonna say a lot
of stuff to you,

and it's all gonna
be disgusting.

Hey, you must
be Isabella.

I came as soon as
I heard about you.

And then I got
on my plane.

(chuckles)
All right.

MAN:
Hold it right there!

Uh-oh.
Somebody's coming.

N-Now, hold on, hold on.

I put my business card in
a fishbowl at an El Torito.

This could be about that.

Policía!

Put your hands up!

Is this about the raffle
for the free lunch?

Does it have to be during
the week, because I...

Aah!

Wait a second, are
we being arrested?

We've done
nothing wrong.

We're not
arresting you.

We're taking
your plane.

And, Javier, get their
keys and take their SUV.

Ah, that stupid,
fat guido.

No, Peter, that's the
wrong racial slur.

No, I know, I was just
thinking about Snooki.

(hawk screeches)

Boy, I can't believe there'd
be corrupt cops in Mexico.

Yeah, Donald Trump
was right:

his daughter is
a hot piece of ass.

Uh, you guys, don't panic,

but there's a couple
of coyotes over there.

(snarling)

Oh, like Coyote Ugly
with Piper Perabo.

Peh-- i-is that it?

Peh-Peh-ree--
Peh-ree-bow?

Peh-Pera--
Pera-Pera-boo?

Pera-boo?
Say it with me.

Per-Per-a-bow.

Is that right?

It's weird,
but you remember.

You know?
I guess...

I guess that's
the point.

Do you think she's
set for life?

Peter, we're about to die!

(snarls, growls)

No, my babies!

Get out of here!

You leave them alone!

Ow! (grunting)

Ah! Chris!

(groaning)

(Chris grunts, coyote whimpers)

You guys, I've been bit!

And it got away with
my friendship bracelet.

You are a boy.

Chris, you saved
my babies.

Oh, my God, Peter,
we did nothing.

We're his parents
and we did nothing.

I know, but, wow,

did you see how Chris
took care of those kids?

Up till now, the only thing
he could take care of

was my traffic tickets.

Name?
Uh, Peter Griffin.

Peter Griffin's
here to surrender

for his vehicular
manslaughter.

What? No.

I'm a good boy!

He is a good boy.

Oh, this is awful.

Chris is injured,

and we're completely out
of food and water.
I know.

I'm so thirsty, I'd be willing
to drink anyone's pee.

Not-Not yours,
Chris or Peter.

But, you know,
you know, anyone.

Mom, Dad, thanks
for trying to help.

You know, I just wanted
to do the right thing,

but now we're
all gonna die.

Did-Did you gals
hear my pee thing?

(vehicle approaches)

Time for clean getaway.

Consuela?
¿Tía?

Ay, thank God.

How did you find us?

Babies' earring
have chip.

Oh, well,
this is great.

Can you help us
get to the border?

Oh, you already
in United States.

We are?

Yes, this Texas.

What?

S-So, wait, so we walked
right across the border

and didn't
even know it?

That is a problem.

Right?

I mean, politics aside,
we can all agree,

that is a problem.

Thanks for the ride,
Consuela.

And thanks for talking us on
that little detour to Dollywood.

Was I right,
or was I right?

Yep, totally worth
the extra two days.

Look, Chris, I owe
you an apology.

I didn't
believe in you.

I was wrong to say you couldn't
handle the responsibility

of taking care
of two kids.

Y-You risked your life
for those babies.

Well, I didn't want
them to get hurt.

That's right.

Because you care about them,

just like you care
about Isabella.

And if you want
to continue to date her

and be a part
of those kids' lives,

I'd be just fine with that.

Are you kidding?
Screw that.

Looking after babies
is a nightmare.

Oh, you have
no idea.

You know how many times
I had you kids in the oven,

just daring myself
to turn it on?

Well, thanks for trusting me
to figure it out for myself.

I love you, Mom.

I love you, too,
sweetheart.

Isabella, being with you
has been really great.

But I think I realized
my mom was right.

I'm too young to be taking on
this much responsibility.

I understand.

But I know someday you will
make an incredible father.

Good-bye, Chris.

Good-bye, Isabella.

LOIS:
Chris, time for dinner.

We're having
sloppy joes.

Oh, boy!

LOIS:
We're having sloppy joes.

Yeah, I heard you.

Oh, dear God.

Oh, they're all dead.

No, please, no!

(gunshots)

LOIS:
We're having sloppy joes.

We're having sloppy joes.

We're having sloppy joes.