Family Guy (1998–…): Season 15, Episode 18 - The Peter Principal - full transcript

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those good
old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

TV ANNOUNCER: We now return
to Sesame Street, now on HBO.

(CHEWING NOISILY)



Oh, hi, you guys. How was school?

Honestly, Mom, today was kind of weird.

Every kid in school had to write a list

of five reasons Principal
Shepherd is cool

and then have their parents sign it.

What? That seems crazy.

One time, I saw him pee in a urinal

with his hands on his hips.

That's pretty boss.

Why would the principal make
all the students do that?

I don't know.

I think he's going through a tough time.

He's in the middle of a bad divorce.

What? How do you know that?



He's actually been pretty open about it.

PRINCIPAL SHEPHERD:
Good morning, students.

Today at 3:30,

James Woods High will be
hosting a cross-country meet,

which also happens to be where Lorraine

has threatened to take my
children, across the country.

And here's today's
"Tuesday Trivia" question:

Does this sound like yelling?

Because, apparently, this sounds

to some people like yelling.

All right, finally some peace and quiet,

so I can buckle down and
get some writing done.

(DRUMS PLAYING OFFBEAT)

- JOE: Hey, Bonnie!
- BONNIE: What?

JOE: Listen to this. Say, "It's
all been a pack of lies."

BONNIE: What? Why?

JOE: Just do it! Just say, "It's
all been a pack of lies."

BONNIE: "It's all been a pack of lies."

(DRUM BREAKDOWN FROM "IN
THE AIR TONIGHT" PLAYS)

BONNIE: That sounded really good.

JOE: Thanks, babe. Hey, you
know what that song's about?

Phil Collins watching some
guy watch another guy drown.

And then, the next night,
he invited the watching guy

to be in the front row of his concert

so he could sing it right to him
and they could arrest the guy!

BONNIE: Really? Why
wouldn't he have just

helped the guy who was drowning?

JOE: I don't know, I think he
was on a bridge or something.

Like, he could see it, but he
couldn't get there in time.

BONNIE: But he let a whole day pass?

Why didn't he call the cops?

JOE: 'Cause he was
busy writing the song!

BONNIE: Wait, if he just watched,

doesn't that also make
him a little guilty?

JOE: Look, I'm not saying we
wouldn't bring Phil Collins

in for questioning.

BONNIE: I feel like maybe
this story is bogus.

JOE: Hang on, let me check Snopes.

Yeah, none of that happened.

(GROANS)

Hey. What's up?

(SIGHS) Well, I'm trying
to work on a sequel

to The Old Man and the Sea.

Are you, are you allowed to do that?

But I can't get anything done.
It's so damn loud around here.

Oh, yeah, that's what Hemingway
used to complain about.

"This Spanish Civil
War is just too loud.

How am I supposed to get anything done?"

No, I mean, it might sound silly,

but I used to daydream that by now

I'd have my own place
by a lake somewhere,

an oasis where I could go to write.

Pay the bills by renting out the rooms.

Oh, like a B and B? That could be fun.

What? What are you talking about?

I'm talking about you and
me opening a B and B.

Are you serious? That'd be great!

Sure. It'll be fun.

All right, let's give it a try.

Can't be any worse than when
I was on the Night's Watch.

Hey, guys, you all want
to say the oath again?

(GROANS)

- For the watch.
- (GROANS)

- For the watch.
- (GRUNTS)

- For the watch.
- (GROANS)

- Hi, Brian.
- (GRUNTS)

I'm the boring storyline

of the fat guy that's
watching that girl.

And I'm Ballers.

Ow! (CRYING)

I totally get it. You're
right to do this.

Well, well, if it isn't Meg Griffin.

Leave me alone, you guys.

Relax. We're taking the
day off from bullying.

Oh, thank God.

Very funny. Who put the Ark
of the Covenant in here?

(LAUGHTER)

Meg is so stupid.

She couldn't handle the
glory of God's love.

Students, faculty and staff
of James Woods High,

does anyone know how to push down

the backseat of a Highlander?

I know I can make a bed in
there, I just don't know how.

Oh, my God, Principal
Shepherd, what's wrong?

I just listened to two
hours of butt-dialed sex

between my wife and the ADT alarm guy.

Why didn't you just hang up?

(VOICE BREAKING): Because I
miss the sound of her voice.

(SOBBING): Oh, my God!

SCHOOL SECRETARY (OVER
P.A.): Principal Shepherd,

your wife is on the line.

She says, "Uh, uh, oh, God, harder."

Man, I still can't get over
how perfect this place is.

I know, it's going to be
such a darling B and B.

I got the boiler up and
running, Mr. Griffin.

Well, we don't have a boiler,

but I can't wait to see what
you've done in the cellar.

Oh, also, please rub the "H"
and the "C" off all the knobs,

so people won't know what
the hell's going on.

I want the first four
minutes of every shower

to be confusion and anger.

Welcome, members of
our school community.

Let's call to order
this emergency meeting

of the school board regarding
Principal Shepherd's meltdown.

I know a number of our
students have felt

(MOCKING VOICE): "traumatized"
by the events of this week,

(NORMAL VOICE): and we take
those concerns very seriously.

Lois, I'm done with my gum.

I don't want it.

But I'm done with it.

Peter, shh.

I'll take it.

So, due to his erratic
behavior, we have placed

Principal Shepherd on
indefinite paid leave.

Typically, Vice Principal
McGuire would step in.

However, I was informed earlier today

that she was found dead in her car.

(MAN COUGHS)

Therefore, the board is
seeking a parent volunteer

to serve as interim principal

until a permanent
replacement can be found.

Hey, Lois, maybe I should do
it. I've always wanted a job

where I can let my dandruff go wild.

What? No way.

I'm not having my dad be the principal.

How embarrassing!

Yeah, no offense,
Peter, but I don't know

if you should be running a school.

What are you talking about?
I'm a natural leader.

That's why I'm so good
at leading Simon Says.

Simon says, "Leave the band."

Yeah, I don't know.

Well, you know what? You guys are wrong.

And I'm gonna prove it to you.

Again, any volunteers?

I'll be your new principal!

Wonderful. Why don't you come
on up and introduce yourself.

All right. James Woods High
cheerleaders, give me a hand!

(CHEERING)

CHEERLEADERS (CHANTING): Check. Him out.

Check. Check him out.

- My name is Peter.
- Check.

- That ain't no lie.
- Check.

I go pop, pop, fizz, fizz,
oh, how sweet it is.

Check! Check!

I'm done with this gum now.

I don't want it.

But I'm done with it.

Mom, why was this
Listerine in the garbage?

Oh, your father says he
doesn't need it anymore

now that he's a high school principal.

Oh, my God, he's not
really doing that, is he?

I'm only gonna get bullied worse now.

Hello, Breakfast Club.

(CHUCKLES) As a principal, I
like to start each morning

with a reference from last century.

Dad, I don't want you to do this.

Too late. I've already been practicing

giving students awkward and
uncoordinated high fives.

Chris, if I may?

Yay! Two fingers and
side-of-the-palm contact.

Perfect!

All right, I got to get to work by 7:40,

'cause that's when high school
starts for some reason.

See you at the
way-too-early 10:40 lunch.

(GROANS)

I feel you, Meg.

- Shut up.
- You shut up!

(GUESTS CHATTERING)

Wow, look at us. Running a B and B.

Yes, so far, all the
guests seem very happy.

Hi, we're checking out.

Just charge my card.

That's weird, that's the fifth couple

to check out after only an hour.

Hi, we'd like a room, please.

Wait, I'm sorry, weren't
you just here a moment ago

with a different man... oh, crap.

Stewie, we have a problem.
The only people checking in

are here to have sex with prostitutes.

What? Nonsense.

Well, then why are they all
signing the guest book

and writing quaint things like,

"Railed Crystal good." Oh...

Damn it, this is awful.

How could I have not noticed sooner?

I mean, it's more obvious

than when George Takei
was in the closet.

Hey, George, how are you?

I am a heterosexual.

I love vaginas.

(CHEWING NOISES)

So, what are you doing tonight?

Hopefully, choking on
some lovely lady parts.

Oh, nummers.

All right, that sounds
fun. See you later.

I am a heterosexual.

Good morning, children.

I am your interim
principal, Mr. Griffin.

And to show I'm a fun principal,

I'm gonna do the Ice Bucket Challenge.

Three years too late,

but right on time for a principal.

And making no less sense than
it did when it was current.

(KIDS LAUGHING AND CHEERING)

You're welcome, person who's
probably already dead.

But, hey, now I got
something even more fun.

How about we all do an
expertly choreographed lip-dub

to a popular song.

("UPTOWN FUNK" BY MARK RONSON
AND BRUNO MARS PLAYING)

(GUITAR RIFF PLAYING)

♪ Ah... ♪

♪ This hit, that ice cold ♪

♪ Michelle Pfeiffer, that white gold ♪

♪ This one for them hood girls ♪

♪ Them good girls,
straight masterpieces ♪

♪ Stylin', wilin', livin'
it up in the city... ♪

(YELLING)

♪ Got to kiss myself, I'm so pretty ♪

♪ I'm too hot ♪

♪ Hot damn ♪

♪ Call the police and the fireman... ♪

Ladies, this is my associate.

Brian, bitches. Bitches, Brian.

What... what's all this?

This, Brian, is called diversification.

You see, if our guests insist on

bringing prostitutes into our B and B,

we might as well provide the women, too.

What? Stewie, we're not
gonna become pimps.

Are you sure?

I'm sure. The answer is no,

so don't bother flashing a wad of money,

because there's no way I'm
gonna change my answer

in the middle of this sentence...

Okay, maybe we could try it
out and see how it goes.

Hey, what are you girls
doing standing around?!

Get to work!

Ha-ha! I'm telling you,

that dog is very easily persuaded.

Now let's see what's going
on at the old high school.

Ooh...

Doo-ooh...

Doo...

Hey, guys, guys.

When Borat was making announcements

over the P.A. this morning, that was me.

What?! Shut the front door.

(IMITATING BORAT): Taco Tuesday is nice.

MEG: Knock it off!
Give me back my lunch.

What do we got here?

Grape juice in a Ziploc bag?

I have to make my own Capri Suns.

Hey, stupid, what the
hell are you doing?

That's my daughter!

Yeah? What are you gonna do about it?

What am I gonna do about it?

I'll knock your teeth down your throat

and out your butt, you little bastard!

- (LAUGHS)
- Oh, you think that's funny,

him spilling juice all over the floor?

This is gonna make
people's sneakers sticky,

and then we're gonna
have to listen to...

(IMITATES STICKY SHOES WALKING)

all day!

Well, I won't have it.

Get on your knees and lick that up!

What? A-Are you serious?

Yeah, I'm serious. I'm the principal!

Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed.

What are you talking about?

That jerk is finally
getting what he deserves.

Yeah, Meg, now that your
dad's the principal,

you could finally have
power over the bullies.

Now, you little punks get to class.

And if you see Miss
Millikan, tell her I said,

"Hey, what's up?"

Huh.

Maybe you're right.

Wow, Dad, that was really something.

Miss Millikan's just a friend.

Oh, I don't mean that.

I mean the way you handled those guys

that were picking on me.

Really? I felt like I kind
of lost my cool there.

Not at all.

That's what you've got to do more of.

- You were like a real principal there.
- I was?

Yeah. In fact, if you're
gonna lead this school,

you've got to know that
kids need discipline.

Especially kids like them.

And their friends, Jeremy and Bridget.

Oh, really?

Where might I find this
Jeremy and Bridget?

I don't know, study hall, second floor?

(LOUD CHATTER)

All right, listen up,
maggots! Fun's over!

There's gonna be some
changes around here,

and what better way to
show you I'm serious

than to smash a desk
with a baseball bat?

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTING)

Oh!

(GRUNTS)

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

Okay, we'll pick this up on Monday.

Do any of you know my wife Lois?

Tell her I'm on the bats
and to come get me.

She'll know what it means.

Let's go. Keep it moving.

Get to class. Hey, you.

You salute that flag
when you walk by, kid.

Loads of people fought for that thing,

including yours truly.

Y-You were in the service?

I may have misunderstood
what "yours truly" means.

Hey, Dad, listen.

The four of us got together last night,

and we came up with a
list of 11 students

and two teachers that you
need to do something about.

Maybe you should start
with Mark Rutledge.

Why? What'd he do?

He wouldn't kiss Ruth at
the Sadie Hawkins dance,

even though she bought him dinner before

at Walt's Roast Beef.

Well, I don't see how that's
got anything to do...

And he called you fat.

Oh, I'm gonna squish him!

That's right.

Don't take any crap from anyone.

Oh, I won't.

I'm gonna take down all these punks,

just like I did in my
1980s crime series,

Gary Ratowski, Hockey Cop.

Gimme that purse!

Hey, criminals.

Puck you!

(SKATES CLACKING ON CEMENT)

Get the puck out of my neighborhood.

Go puck yourself.

(SIREN WAILING)

Uh-oh, here come the real cops.

ANNOUNCER: Hockey Cop, not a cop.

All right, ladies, I'm going to put this

as gently as I can,

but it appears that someone's rectum

fell out on the stairs.

Now, whose is it? Be honest.

All right, that's fine.

But let's just agree on a rule

that if your rectum falls
out on the stairs,

it's on you to pick it up.

Look at that, Brian.

Our day has just begun, and
there's a line out the door.

I know, we're raking it in.

This is a hell of a lot easier

than when I delivered
pizza in New Orleans.

(BAND PLAYING LIVELY MUSIC)

What the hell?

♪ We're all just blocking the street ♪

♪ We're all just
blocking the street... ♪

Come on, I got to deliver this pizza.

♪ Five trumpets do the job of one ♪

♪ We're all just
blocking the street... ♪

I need to be there in 30 minutes.

It's a company promise!

♪ Half the band isn't in the band ♪

♪ We're all just
blocking the street... ♪

Oh, thank God.

♪ One of us dropped a contact lens ♪

♪ We're going back to
block the street... ♪

Ah, screw it.

♪ We won't stop blocking the street ♪

♪ Never stop blocking the street. ♪

Okay, so I think Lee
Blanding gets detention.

And for Jason O'Neil,

maybe you could pants
him during an assembly.

Yes, good. I like that.

Oh, hi, you two. What
are you working on?

Oh, nothing.

I, um... I'm just helping Dad

with his schedule for tomorrow.

You know, he's really doing a great job.

He's actually made the
school a lot better.

Huh. Well, I got to
admit I was skeptical,

but it sounds like things are
going pretty well down there.

You bet they are.

They'll go even better after The Purge.

The what?

Hey, Meg, how about one of these?

(GRUNTING)

One of them things, yeah?

Peter, what the hell are you doing?

Uh, he's just saying he
wants to use his key

to drive me to school
tomorrow in his car.

Peter, what exactly are you
doing down at that school?

I'll tell you what I'm doing.

I'm doing a great job,

like when I was a pro football kicker.

(CROWD CHEERING)

Yay! Now I can fist
bump with black guys.

Nailed it, Peter!

There you go!

Yeah! We going to the club tonight?

- Not you!
- Okay!

Hey, Brian, what's a "splat job"?

I-I don't, I don't know, Stewie.

I'm worried that you're seeing too much.

Good morning, ladies.

Were the paramedics able
to resuscitate Lamar Odom?

They're still working on it.

(WHEELS SQUEAKING)

He's tall, get it?

Okay, show's over.
Everybody back to work.

Yeah, about that. We got to talk.

Oh, uh, sure. What's up?

We just realized we can keep all
the money, take your house,

and kill you if you try
to do anything about it.

All right, we're just gonna step outside

and figure out a counter.

(LOCK LATCHING)

And they locked us out.

What about my loaf of
cinnamon raisin bread?!

It's mine! It's not for the whole house!

(SIGHS) Let's just go. They won.

Oh, we'll see about that.

Hello, I'd like to report a brothel

operating on Route 6,
near Round Hill Road.

Thank you.

You want to eat mangled raisin bread

across the street and watch
the cops raid the place?

Yeah, I'd like that.

(SIRENS WAILING)

(CLATTERING)

(WOMEN SCREAMING, GUNSHOTS)

Oh, here comes the UPS guy.

Oh, I bet he's delivering those
marmalade jars we ordered.

Doesn't that feel like
a million years ago?

Yeah, we don't need those anymore.

Sorry, just send them back.

You can just do that?

Oh, yeah, you can just refuse delivery.

You've never done that?

I-I genuinely did not
know you could do that.

Well, you can. Anything you order.

If you don't sign for
it, it has to go back.

Everyone does it.

Most of what America is now

is just boxes going back and forth.

♪ ♪

(ROPE WHOOSHING SHARPLY)

Students, this is a
chair without a seat.

Jeff Banfield, I'd like you
to please come down here,

take your pants off and sit.

Me? What did I do?

You know what you did, Jeff!

I don't even know what's going on!

Just go, Jeff, or he'll start

hitting that trash can
with a spoon again.

That means now, Mr. Banfield!

What is going on here?

Just a little of the three "R" s...

Reading, writing and
wrecking this guy's sack.

The school board received
a very serious complaint.

Mr. Griffin, you are hereby
relieved of your duties.

(GASPS): A promotion?

No, you're fired.

We've reinstated Principal Shepherd.

Wait, he's back?

But he had that crazy
meltdown about his divorce.

Yes, but then I went on
a sex trip to Thailand,

and I banged all the
goofy right out of me.

Wait. Dad's fired?

Who did this? Who turned him in?

I did.

PATTY: Hi, Mrs. Griffin!

Hi. Hi, Patty.

Why, Mom?

Because what you and your father
have been doing is wrong.

We'll talk about this at home.

Well, I guess your mom
was right all along.

I had no business running a school.

Can I be honest with you, Dad?

I thought you were awesome.

You stood up for all the
kids who get picked on.

You stood up for me.

Wow, so... so you think I did
a good job being principal?

No, you did a good job being my dad.

Come on, Meg, let's go home.

And next time I want to
get back at your bullies,

I'll do it the old-fashioned way...

As a grown man beating up
teenagers in a parking lot.

I'm planning on dying tonight.

What are your plans?

(THUNDER CRASHES)