Family Guy (1998–…): Season 15, Episode 14 - The Dating Game - full transcript

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those good
old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

I got to say, some days I wish

I didn't have a sister.



Oh...

- What?
- Nothing.

Oh, I thought you asked me

what was going on with my sister.

I did not.

Hey, look. Tom Tucker.

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.

Coming up, tonight's second story.

But first, Quahog says good-bye

to an old friend.

That's right, Tom. Medieval Castle,

which has been a staple of
family entertainment and dining,

is closing its doors.

The restaurant has
gone into foreclosure,



and will be up for auction tomorrow.

Yes, hard to believe a place
where you eat with your hands

next to piles of horse dung

while untrained theater students fight

with real swords could
be drowning in lawsuits.

Medieval Castle? I love that place.

My sister almost got a job there once.

Guys, we should go to that
auction tomorrow and buy it.

I mean, can you imagine if we
had our own medieval castle?

I bet it'd be even more fun

than when I went to White Castle.

Huh. Name's a little deceiving.

What's wrong with you?

Oh, it's my back. It's killing me.

Yeah, I'm not falling for that
hot-oil massage bit again.

No, this time it's not a bit.

I'm really hurt.

I must have jacked it up playing sports

and not trying to dance like Beyoncé.

Wow. If you're in that much pain,

I better tell Lois.

Please don't.

Then she'll drive me to the doctor,

and I hate being in the car with her.

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Shut the door, baby,
don't say a word ♪

Okay, I guess that's not my part.

There it is, guys. Aw,
this is gonna be awesome!

We just got to win this auction,

and then we'll have our own castle.

Oh, yeah? Over my dead tooth!

Good afternoon, and welcome
to today's auction.

I'm Al Harrington, of Al Harrington's

Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm-Flailing

Tubeman Warehouse and Emporium.

Due to the presence of black mold,

discarded half-eaten turkey legs,

and an undulating rat king
that no one dares approach,

I have been advised to move
these proceedings along

as quickly as possible.

Do I hear an opening bid? Anyone.

Do I hear an opening
bid for this majestic

fiberglass castle facade,

masking what was once
a Midas Muffler shop?

Two bits.

Two bits. That's 25
cents in the Old West.

We have 25 cents. Do I
hear higher than 25 cents?

This paper bag, which could
be full of money or my socks.

You take the chance.

We have an intriguing mystery bag.

Do I hear more than the mystery bag?

Two bits and a cardboard box,

which may or may not
contain a mystery bag.

Already the most challenging auction

I have ever been a part of.

Do I hear a higher bid

from that James Bond villain over there?

50 kroner.

Which, converted to American currency,

is $7.40.

Do I hear a much higher bid,
followed by shocked murmuring?

$10,000!

- I'm shocked.
- That's shocking.

We're all shocked.

We can't afford that.

Peter, do something. I can't.

There's only $9,000 in the mystery bag.

Due to my 12:00 noon court appointment

as part of a crippling
child-custody battle

with my horrific ex-wife,

I am saying going once, going twice,

and awarding this condemned
building to you...!

Damn, it, we lost!

I guess the castle was
a crazy idea anyway.

I should probably just invest this money

in a 401-Gay.

And how long before I can take this out?

Man, those losers don't
deserve that castle.

I would call my sister about this

if she were able to answer the phone.

Poor thing.

Poor, poor thing.

Well, you know, in castle times,

if you wanted something,
you just took it.

What are you talking about?

I'm saying the four of us
should storm that castle

and take it for ourselves.

Should we do it with careful planning,

or have another couple beers
and then just go for it?

Well, let's make that decision

after another couple beers.

I checked with my mom, and she said

it was cool with her if we
wanted to sleep here tonight.

- I'm pretty sure I can.
- Count me in.

I'm gonna have to go
home and get my pillow.

Yes, you heard me right,
cancel my insurance.

I've been in this location for 40 years,

and never once have I broken a lamp.

Good day, sir.

God, I hope he's got insurance.

Of course he's got insurance.

He's been at this location for 40 years.

Yes, you heard me right.

Cancel my husband's life insurance.

He's been in perfect
health for 40 years.

We're selling the lamp
store and going to travel.

We need this after losing
both our children.

Good day, sir.

All right, plan "B."

We'll shoot flaming arrows,
like in Robin Hood.

So should I be aiming
for an open window,

or just arcing it over the wall?

I don't know, I've never seen the movie,

just the Bryan Adams video.

Oh, such a good song.

Archers...

Yeah?

Oh, yeah, he's that guy, too.

Prepare to fire.

I wonder what they're gonna put here.

Trader Joe's?

Oh, I would love a Trader Joe's!

Sorry to keep you, I was reading this

Highlights magazine in the waiting room.

Do you see any differences
between these two pictures?

Oh, the pie has a wedge removed.

Yes, yes.

Dr. Hartman, were you
able to tell anything

from Stewie's X rays?

Oh, yeah. Little guy's got scoliosis.

Oh, my God.

Oh, no, am I gonna be a
big-shoe, small-shoe guy?

But don't worry, he'll be fine.

He just needs to wear
this brace for a while

- to correct it.
- Oh, dear.

Now, does he have any
school pictures coming up?

Yeah, he actually does.

Well, then, this will not be

a "refrigerator door" year.

All right, this says if
we don't get arrested

for the next six months,

the arson and mayhem
charges will be dropped.

Hey, sorry again, you guys.

Ah, no harm done.

Yeah, no hard feelings, fellas.

I've already forgotten about it.

I'm too busy thinking about
my hot date tonight.

Yeah, right. "Hot date."

With your left hand or your right hand?

Actually, I use both and
do, like, an Indian burn.

But that's not what this is.

Tonight I'm getting lucky.

Hi, are you Mort?

Why, yes, I am.

What the hell was that?
Mort's getting laid?

Yeah, thanks to Tinder,
he's had a different girl

every night this week.

What's "Tinder"?

It's an app for your phone

where two strangers can hook up

for a dirty liaison.

- What, like hookers?
- Nope.

Just two horny people with phones.

Wait, I don't get it.

So you hit 'em on the head with
your phone and knock 'em out?

No, you just swipe someone's picture,
they come over, and you plow 'em.

Wow! I gotta try this.

I mean, easy sex on the Internet?

Did you know about this, Scott Baio?

Uh, yeah.

And you, Scott Caan?

Did you also know about
easy sex on the Internet?

Yes.

And how about you, douche bag
music producer Scott Storch?

Quagmire, all the Scotts know about it.

Okay, let's get me set
up on this Tinder thing.

I can't wait to start getting laid

at the push of a button.

Well, first you got to
set up your profile.

Oh, yeah, I've been working on that.
I wrote several long paragraphs

describing my interests,
some pet peeves,

choice of wine, a couple
of inspirational quotes,

things I've learned from my cats...

No, no, no, no. None of that.

You want a naked bathroom selfie

covering your stuff with
a fistful of $100 bills.

That shows you like sex,
and you got mon-ay!

Well, that seems a bit crude.

Oh, she's cute.

And wearing a yin-yang necklace.

That's interesting. I
wonder what beach that is.

No, no, no. Give me that.

Here, you see this? You
see what I'm doing?

Not even looking. I'm swiping "yes."

Yes, yes, yes. Casting a wide net.

Heh, look at this.

You already got a hit.
And she sent a message.

She did? What am I looking at here?

It's mostly small, colorful pictures.

Those are emojis. Read 'em.

Okay, it says "Hey,"
and then a kissy face,

and then, like, a saucy, smirking face,

three balloons, and a locomotive.

What the hell is all this?

Maybe she likes you.
Send something back.

Okay. "Dearest Theresa, I
hope this finds you well.

I so appreciated your
last communication..."

No, stop, stop! God, stop, stop!

Just send her an eggplant
and the erupting volcano.

All right, take a gander.

Gawk at the Elephant Man.
Let's get it all out.

- There's our brave guy.
- Brave?

And just for being such a trooper,

I thought maybe you could be

the first in line for snack today.

Really? On pretzel day?

And after that, you can hold the bunny!

Yeah, I'll pass on that.

But the pretzel thing
sounds up my alley.

Now, if I could just find someone

to wear this hero hat.

I think I found him.

Well, I say, that was
a pleasant surprise.

You know, like when a woman
in a Porsche Cayenne

isn't a complete bitch.

Huh. Well, I did not expect that.

I wasn't telling you to go,

I was trying to smell my own fart.

Hi, are you Courtney, from Tinder?

You must be Glenn. I got you these.

A lovely bouquet for a lovely...

Yeah, take off your pants and
sit on the coffee table.

Okay.

That was great.

And we can still make our reservation.

What? Why?

- We already had sex.
- Wait.

So I don't have to make
small-talk with you

- or spend any money?
- Of course not.

Here, wipe yourself off
with this West Elm catalog.

My God, this app is amazing!

Thank you, cell-phone Jesus.

Huh?

Oh, yeah, fine.

So, how's it going with the back brace?

- Are people giving you a hard time?
- Quite the contrary, Brian.

Apparently, people love the wretched.

Thanks to this thing,
I was offered seats

directly behind home plate at Fenway.

I passed.

Wow, that patient next
door is fat.

I can hear you.

Uh, that wasn't me,
that was Mrs. Griffin.

So, I've got Stewie's results here.

Um, it appears the back brace

has corrected the spine very nicely.

That's wonderful.

Stewie doesn't have to
wear the brace anymore.

What? No! I can't give this thing up.

Wait, what do you mean?

- You want to keep wearing the brace?
- Of course I do.

It's the best thing that's
ever happened to me.

When I wear this brace,

I get pampered like
the Queen of England.

So, I have the most money
in the world, right?

Yes, Your Majesty.

Great. Can you make sure my hair

looks like anyone in a nursing home?

All right, hitting the links.

Joe, golf shorts may not
be the right look for you.

It's gonna be a nice day.

Not for us, if you wear those.

Well, that seems a little hurtful.

Hey, where's Quagmire? Our
tee time's in 20 minutes.

I don't know.

I haven't seen much of him
since he discovered Tinder.

Tinder?

Quagmire, come on. It's time for golf.

I swipe "no" on golf.

Smells kind of gamey in here.

Swipe "yes" on Betsy.
Swipe "yes" on Jennifer.

Swipe "yes" on Andrea. Swipe
"yes" on all the lady faces.

Swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe,
swipe, swipe, swipe.

Let's, uh, let's get a little
light in here, huh, buddy?

The yellow face!

It burns my Tinder!

Oh, my God, he's lost it.

That app's turned Quagmire
into some kind of sex ghoul.

The way he's crouching,
there's a teste peeking out.

Hey, listen, Quagmire,

you're our friend, all right?

We hate to see you like this.

I don't have any friends,

only sex people from the phone.

You got to stop this.

It looks like you haven't
left this room in weeks.

No need to leave. They all come here.

Sometimes they bring burgers and cheese.

Hey, come on, Quagmire,
let's go for a walk, huh?

Get some fresh air...
oh, for God's sake.

You're gonna have a
baby in your butt, man.

Can't leave.

"Heather within five miles" is coming.

Are you "Glenn within five miles"?

I can take my glass eye out

if you want to try something different.

I got a good feeling about
her. Maybe she's the one.

Let's do it in the garage.

It's kind of cold, but we can
do sweaters on, pants off.

Look, he left his phone.

I'm just gonna nudge it with my knee

into this empty pizza box...
and it's stuck to my knee.

Let's, uh, let's just go.

All right, we got to just
throw that phone away

and end this once and for all.

Yeah, no kidding.
Quagmire's in bad shape.

He looks worse than I did
after that day at the beach.

I spanked somebody else's kid.

Sorry I was late.

You're still wearing that back brace?

That can't be good for you.

Dr. Hartman said you were
done with that thing.

I'm not gonna listen to that bozo.

Of course I'm still wearing it.

Watch me jump this line.

Excuse me, I have scoliosis.

Excuse me. Scoliosis, coming through.

Hey, pal. Polio.

A thousand apologies.

Swipe. Swipe. Swipe.

Come on, I'm not getting any matches!

All right, Quagmire, we got to talk.

This whole thing's out
of control, Quagmire.

You got to get off Tinder.

Yeah, there's plenty of nice
women out in the real world

to meet the old-fashioned way.

And on top of that,
Tinder makes you gross.

♪ There was a time when
you'd be more selective ♪

♪ When you were horny
and feeling erective ♪

♪ Now one swipe and there's
thousands to bone ♪

♪ All from a sex app you
use on your phone ♪

That's the Tinder.

♪ A lot of sad, lonely
gals who want babies ♪

♪ 300-pounders infested with scabies ♪

♪ Leather gimps who
do nothing but moan ♪

♪ These are the weirdos
you find on your phone ♪

You know, a surprising number
of them live near the airport.

♪ Gonorrhea ♪

♪ H.P.V.-ah ♪

♪ You will catch a dose ♪

♪ Of blisters and itching
and genital warts ♪

♪ 'Cause Tinder makes you so gross ♪

♪ And for kids it's kind of tragic ♪

♪ Sex for them has lost its magic ♪

♪ Banging every Tom and Dick
and Jack and Jill and Joan ♪

♪ And this also might surprise you ♪

♪ All your married friends despise you ♪

♪ 'Cause we're not allowed to
have an orgy through our phone ♪

♪ You're perverted ♪

♪ Barely human ♪

♪ You're not even close ♪

♪ A filthy degenerate seeking a thrill ♪

♪ Your spirits and genitals
run through the mill ♪

♪ With plenty of holes and
prescriptions to fill ♪

♪ 'Cause Tinder makes you ♪

♪ So gross. ♪

You guys can just forget it.

I'm not quitting Tinder.

Guys, I've been to the doctor's.

I do have a baby in my butt.

Mm, you're still here.

Did we...?

What the deuce?

Brian! Brian!

Yes, is it possible to
get Showtime for free

for the next, like, two
hours to see if I like it?

Brian!

What is this? What's happening to me?

Oh, my God, Stewie.

It's got to be from wearing
that damn brace all the time.

Your neck must have atrophied so much

it can no longer support your head.

You've got to take me to the hospital.

Absolutely.

Let me just watch Jennifer's Body

and we'll go right there.

Brian, there's no nudity in that movie.

Take me to the hospital!

What, so it's rated "R" for curses?

God, this country.

Is it, is it noticeable?

Oh, nothing that can't be fixed

with a string of chili
pepper Christmas lights.

I wore that brace for
the next five years of my life.

The kids stopped
cheering the second day.

Then it was just, "Get off the
swing, you Christmas turd."

I'll have another one, Jerome.

You sure you haven't had too many?

Just give me a drink.

Sir, is everything all right?

I'm fine. I'm fine, it...

oh, h... oh, hey, uh, you on Tinder?

What? That gross dating thing?

No. Look, I'm not trying to pick you up,

it just seemed like you
were upset about something,

and I know when I'm upset, it's
nice to let someone else in.

Giggity.

What did you just say?

I-I-I don't know.

I think I said, I said, "Giggity."

Okay.

Come on, Quagmire, this is a real girl

right in front of you.

Just pick her up and take her home.

You don't need your phone.

Don't listen to him. I'm all you need.

Are you really gonna
listen to a phone over me?

God, I don't know why I do this anymore.

Don't give up, Miniature Quagmire.

This is exactly why you got

into the over-the-shoulder
advice business.

Ignore him, Miniature Quagmire.

Give up on your attempt
to convince real Quagmire

to not use Tinder, and
to instead have sex

with this woman who's
right in front of him.

Wait, what's going on?

I'm just saying, you used to have skills

that no one else had, that
took you years to hone.

You were an artist.

Ah, damn. I think I was too wordy.

I'm still an artist.

What was that?

I was just saying, I am
upset about something.

I thought you were.

Do you want to talk about it?

I do.

I buried my twin brother today.

We were very close.

We used to finish each other's, um...

Sentences?

Oh, oh, I just got chills.

I'm Sandra.

I'm Glenn.

You know, I just,

I just feel like my penis
shouldn't be alone tonight.

All right.

Well, looks like Quagmire's back.

Yep, he's scumming it up
in the real world again.

And all it took was for us to hire

that $200 dirty prostitute

to pretend to be a nice lady in a bar.

I'm just glad she's a prostitute

and not that lady murderer
that's been all over the news.

Hi, I'm that prostitute you guys
hired to seduce your friend.

Oh, boy. Well, deal's off, he's dead.

But perhaps we can make
other arrangements.

Hey, do you think I
could try to kick one?

No. You're all-time goalie.