Family Guy (1998–…): Season 15, Episode 13 - The Finer Strings - full transcript

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

*FAMILY GUY*
Season 15 Episode 13
"The Finer Strings"

Ugh. This is gonna suck.



80% of these acts
are either air guitar

or girls dancing to
songs from Frozen.

Yeah, back in my day
you had to be a triple threat

to even get on that stage.

You were a triple threat?

I sure was.

I could sing, dance,

and guess the weight of any baby
that was tossed to me.

Eight pounds!

12-nine! A big one!

Three pounds? Someone
couldn't wait to be here.

Did that really happen?

Nah, I just lip-synced
"Born to run."

The show is about to start.



I-is daddy still
parking the car?

Yes. Everything
takes him longer these days.

His cataracts are getting worse.

Hey, lois, look over there...
It's jessica chastain.

Oh, daddy, that's
bryce dallas howard.

You're blind as a bat.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Okay, for the first of our
65 performances tonight...

You got to be kidding!
Son of a bitch!

I agree.
Now please welcome Meg Griffin

And Ruth Cochammer.
No laughing.

It's "Coke-A-Mer"!

Not in the boys' room it isn't.

(intro to "Nuthin'
But A 'G' Thang" playing)

Wake up, people, Monsanto
is poisoning the world

with frankenfoods, and
we're letting it happen.

Monsanto equals murder!

- Monsanto equals murder!
- That's enough.

I am so sick of this being used
as a platform

To attack
genetically modified foods.

You can't silence the truth!

What, what?

It's over, Patty.

Hi, Patty. I like Patty.

Hello okay, up next,
here's Evelyn Fong,

our 11-year-old
high school junior.

(playing beautiful,
lilting melody)

Oh, my God.

What is that?

It's... It's the most beautiful
thing I've ever heard.

It's a violin, Peter.

And now, two football players
are going to do something

that only makes sense to
the rest of the football team.

Coach, the bus is here.

This is an away game?

It's true!

Remember that happened?

Those are the kids
I bought beer for.

I got to take a leak.
Daddy, you can't see.

Let me help you to the bathroom.

I can see fine.

All right, there's only
so many seats on the bus.

One of you will have
to sit next to me.

I will, coach.

Oh! He talked
on the whole bus ride!

How are you, gentlemen

Dude! What the hell?

Whoa! With cataracts like those,

Someone needs a big
pair of glasses.

Hey! Jessica Chastain!

I'm glad you
finally agreed to have

the cataract surgery, daddy.

I wish I hadn't!

I can't see anything now!
This is terrible!

Well, tha-that's why the whole
family came to support you.

Oh, really? Oh, wow,
that's so kind. Who's here?

Oh, uh, well,
as you know, I'm here.

Who else?
Uh, Stewie and Brian.

Hey, hope you feel better soon.

That doesn't sound like
the whole family.

Hey, hope those
eyes get better soon, pop.

It's me, Peter. Shipoopi.

Oh, thanks for coming, Peter.

I-I'm here, too, grandpa.

And, uh, and meg went down
to-to put money in the meter.

Aw, I don't care.

Now, mr. Pewterschmidt,
your vision will be impaired

for a few weeks while you recover.

I recommend you and your wife
have someone around

to help you during this time.

Well, I'd love to
help you, daddy,

but Stewie's just
been so fussy lately.

He's constantly crying
for no reason.

What are you talking about?
I'm fine.

Ow! Bitch!

She does this a lot!

You know,
maybe Brian could help you.

He could be your service dog.

Come on, lois,
I don't want to do that.

Your father and I have
nothing in common.

Brian, please.
If you do this for me,

You'll be a hero...
Just like King Arthur

when he pulled the sword
from the stone.

Oh... Yeah!

Whew!

Oh, God, this is embarrassing.

I'm so sorry.

It's been, like, 500 years.

Aw, this is your big moment
and I'm ruining it.

♪♪

Peter, what the hell
are you doing?

I'm learning violin.
It's kind of like my new hobby.

Well, if we're talking
about new hobbies...

What is this?
It's a mason jar

filled with layered sand.

You can put it in your bathroom

Or anywhere you want
to feel peaceful.

Now it's nothing.

I always liked the violin,

'cause it kind of
has curves like a lady.

Hey, you know what? Maybe you guys
can learn an instrument, too,

And then we could all
play together.

Really? That sounds
like a lot of work.

Yeah, no offense, Muchacho,
but I don't know

if I have time
for that, Muchacho.

Yeah, you're doing
"Muchacho" wrong.

Come on, guys, it could be cool.

I did play the Oboe in high school,

and the girls
wouldn't leave me alone.

Girls do like guys in a band.

I'm in. Giggity.

Oh, Quagmire,
you are so predictable.

And that's why
I love you, Muchacho.

See? That's how
you do "Muchacho."

And, you know,
there's four of us...

We could be a string quartet.

All right, I'll do it.

But first you guys got
to do one thing for me.

Sure, joe. What is it?

I want you to put me
in the booth.

I want to feel like a person
for a second.

Aw, yeah, sure, no problem.

All right, quagmire,
you do upper, I'll do lower?

Sure. Let's do it!

Wow. Thanks, guys.

Uh-oh.

Hey, guys, guys,
put him back up.

I just thought of something.

This is gonna be a blast.

♪♪

Mr. Pewterschmidt, your
service dog has arrived.

Hey, carter.
Brian!

Y-you have a butler?
Then why am I here?

- Why can't he help you?
- What? That's stupid.

Who would announce him?

See, this right here,

This is the one-percenter
crap I can't stand.

Yes, it is. Now, sit
your 99-percenter ass down

and read me the comics.

Okay. The wizard of id is
addressing his subjects.

- Is he up on that balcony?
- Yes.

Ha-ha! Then it's a good one.

♪♪

Okay, hang on, hang on, hang on.

Peter, what note
are you playing?

I-I'm sorry, I'm
not familiar. Note?

Haven't you been practicing?

All right, fine, I haven't.

But I've been doing
other violin stuff.

Like I bought this jacket
like what bugs bunny wears

When he's with that opera guy.

Wow, that looks sharp.

Yeah, I've been practicing
how to sit down in it.

Ew, Peter,
those tails are soaking wet.

They may have been
in the toilet.

♪♪

Brian! Get in here!

Wh-what's up?
What do you need?

I'm done with my bath.
Put on this lady wig

and help me out of the tub.

What?
Why do I have to wear a wig?

Otherwise it's weird.

Thank you, Penelope.

Hey, it's 4:30...
Time for dinner.

But first, grab that gold bond
and powder my speed bag.

Ah. There's the tingle.

Wow, so you can just
bypass all that gridlock?

Having a helicopter's amazing!

And that's not all...
I also use it

to throw boxes of frogs
down on that church.

They go bananas!

Boy, I could really get used
to this rich guy stuff.

You guys, I got great news!

Some skank I used to bang
is getting married,

And they need someone
to play at the ceremony.

We got our first gig! Wow, a
wedding... that's awesome!

All right, then we should
probably practice our piece.

(playing "Wedding March"
with Peter out of tune)

Wait, hold on, hold on.
Peter, uh, that's terrible.

You sounded like
you were strangling a cat.

Well, I was... that's how
I got revved up to perform.

No, just now. Look, it's clear

That you still
haven't practiced at all.

Yeah, this was your idea
in the first place,

But you're the only one
who's done no work.

No work? I stared in
a mirror for hours

Playing air violin to the
song "bittersweet symphony."

Peter, you're out of the group.

What?!

Well, fine.
Screw you guys!

Wow, he seemed pretty angry.

Yeah, I haven't
seen him this upset

Since he got caught
using that fake ID.

Can I see your ID, please?

Give me one second.

Uh, sir, that lady who came in
and ate all the pies is back.

Okay, let's see how
those eyes are doing.

See if you can tell
me where Waldo is.

He's right there
buying an ice cream cone.

Damn it! I've been stuck
on that page for two days.

Oh, and your eyes are fine.

Hey, that's terrific, Carter!

Seems like it's time to go home

And pour some of that scotch
of yours to celebrate.

That sounds like a great idea.

See you later.
Wait, wait, wait.

What are you talking about?

I meant, like...
Like, both of us.

Didn't you hear him?
I'm all healed.

I don't need a
service dog anymore.

What are you saying?

I'm saying I'm done with you.

Now, before I go,

I'm just gonna old-man
drink this glass of water.

Now, to take an old man pee.

Ow. Ow.

Ow.

Ow. Ow.

Ow.

Ow. Ow.

Ow.

Ow. Ow.

Ow.
Ow.

Ow.

♪♪

Oh, Brian, just
in time for dinner.

We're having sloppy joes.

Eh, what else you got?

How about a knuckle sandwich?

If Peter said that,

you all would've lost
your minds laughing.

It's just that
at carter's house,

if you don't want
something heavy,

Étienne will whip you up
an egg dish with some shallots

and chanterelles
or whatever's fresh.

Yeah, I know all about étienne.

He climbed into my bed
when I was 11.

I'm sure this is a
step down for you, bri,

but now you're back
in the real world

Where our poop stinks,
and we all eat garbage.

Yeah, I guess I got used

to being a little pampered
over at carter's.

Well, I'd be careful
with your uptown ways.

Some of the other
kids don't like it.

He thinks he's better than us.

What time you going to bed,
fancy boy?

I don't know. 9:00?

9:00, Chris.

Look, it's not even
about the stuff.

Carter and I became friends.

Wait a minute!
Of course!

Whatever you're going to say
next, I bet it's wrong.

I offended carter
by offering to work for him.

I mean,
once it became a friendship,

he didn't want me
working for him.

He wanted a pal.

Brian,
you're not kidding anyone.

We all know
you don't care about carter.

You only care about his money.

No, no, no.
He knows I'm his friend.

Yeah, right. That's what woody
thought about buzz lightyear.

Bo peep!

What-what's going on here?

Um... You've got
a friend in me?

♪♪

What are you doing here?

I-I thought you were
rehearsing with the guys.

Ah, the bastards kicked me out
'cause I'm not good enough.

Oh, and they also taught me

that if your hand is bigger
than your face, you have cancer,

So maybe you should, uh,
you know, do the test.

I had cancer,
Peter. Remember?

I was in the hospital?
You weren't there for it.

Well, maybe you have it again.

Peter, I'm not falling
for your trick,

But if you're upset
about the guys

kicking you out of the group,
you can't really blame them.

The violin takes
discipline and dedication.

You never even practiced.

They probably thought you
were just wasting their time.

Maybe you're right. I guess...

Guess I could've been
a little more serious about it.

Well, it's not too late.

Maybe you could find a teacher
who could help you learn,

And if you work at it
and get a little better,

they'll see you care about them.

You know what?
That's a great idea!

I'll take some lessons.

I'm gonna work really hard
just like my deodorant.

How does a guy
like me stay fresh

I use fat guys deodorant.

Whether you're sitting, leaning,

Lying down or sitting,
fat guys keeps ya dry.

Apply every five minutes, and
you're good for five minutes.

And now for the confusing
commercial backstory.

Ready for the
fund-raiser, dad?

Yeah, be right there, buddy.

We're going to a fund-raiser,
and we share a bedroom.

♪♪

Mr. Pewterschmidt,
you have a visitor.

Hey, buddy, looking good!

So, what are we drinking?

Or better yet, why
aren't we drinking?

Get the hell out of here!

I told you I'm done with you!

And besides, I'm off
to the spa down at the club.

How's the temp? Good and hot?

Oh, yeah, that's the stuff.

Hey, did you also not wash
your ass before getting in?

Yeah, that sign.

♪♪

There you go, Mr. Glenn. Thanks.

Hey, can I get a couple
of extras of these plastic bags?

Let me just
test this out quickly.

Yeah, that works.
Okay, now you go.

I have to get back to
teaching violin lesson.

Those scales sound terrible!

You fat and lazy!
You leave now!

No, please! I
got to get better

So I can be as
good as my friends.

I really let 'em down.

You fingers no bleeding.

You no try hard enough!

You want me press iron
on your back again?

I'm trying! I'm trying!

Try harder!
Play better!

(crying,
playing faster and better)

Is somebody making
a cuban sandwich?

Lousy no-good rotten
frassum-rassum...

Brian, what's up?

Why are you engaging
in cartoon profanity?

Carter wants nothing
to do with me.

I'm just so mad.
Don't you mean sad?

You know, about the friendship?

Oh, no, of course, you
mean mad about the money.

All right, fine,
it was about the money.

- I miss the money.
- Yes, I know.

I saw all your instagrams
on his helicopter

like it was your helicopter.

I never said
it was my helicopter.

Yeah, never said it wasn't.

The implication was that it was
a regular part of your life.

Anyway, I know this makes me
sound awful, but I almost wish

Carter was still blind
so he'd still need me.

Yeah, but he's not.

But... He could be.

- But he isn't.
- But he should be.

Oh, no.

Come on, it'd be temporary,

Just until he realizes
I'm a great hang.

But you're not, so I don't
want any part of this.

Okay. I get it. I get it.

Nah, you-you wouldn't
want to help me.

What was I thinking?
He... He's your grandfather.

Even though he did say
that thing about you.

What? What did he say about me?

Oh, i... I'm sorry.
I thought I told you.

Um, he said you couldn't cut it
as a member of one direction.

What?! But they
have an opening!

Zayn is gone!

He does know zayn
is gone, right?

Oh, he definitely knows.

Yeah, he-he thinks
you could be in o-town,

But not one direction.

Okay, I'm pretty sure
you're manipulating me,

but let's go blind
that old bastard.

♪♪

♪♪

Listen, Peter, we know you've
been working hard on the violin,

but more importantly,
you're our pal,

And we'd like you
to be back in the group.

Really?
What if I'm not good enough?

Well, that's the thing.

We decided we'd rather be lousy
with you than great without you.

Joe, no offense, but I'd prefer
to hear it from someone else.

- That's fair.
- So, what do you say, Peter?

Will you come
and play the wedding with us?

Oh, you bet I will!
Oh, thanks!

You guys won't regret this,
and don't you worry.

I'll be ready, unlike lois
getting dressed for a night out.

Tell them the truth!

It's me. It's me.

I'm the one who takes
too long to get ready.

It's 'cause I don't have
any nice clothes. Peter!

All right. It's 'cause
I don't like the way I look.

Okay, Brian,
Carter's in the shower.

As soon as he comes out,
we spray this right in his eyes.

What'd you put in there again?

Oh, it's just tap water
from Flint, Michigan.

Aah! Son of a bitch!
My eyes!

You're up.

Carter, what happened?

You look like you
could use some help.

Aah! My face! Aah!

Oh, my God!

What did I let money do to me?

Who did this? Who are you?

Carter, it's me, Brian.

I did this, and
it's made me realize

that I was blinded by
luxury and comfort,

But now I see that none of
that matters if I don't...

Brian, Brian, hold on.

Looks like we've learned a lot,
and my face is better.

(crowd chatter,
camera shutter clicking)

God, I'm so nervous.

You sure you guys want me
to play with you?

Yes, Peter.
You play away.

We're a quartet.

Just do the best you can.

You may kiss the bride.

Peter, that was amazing!

I know. Those lessons
really paid off!

I'll say! The way you play,

we'll have more gigs
than we can handle.

Not a chance. Mr. Washy washy
took all the joy out of this.

I hate the violin. I hate music.

I hate life,
and I'm never doing this again!

All right, guys, let's go drink
a bunch of free booze

and beer... huge prize
in the wedding for our friendship.