Family Guy (1998–…): Season 15, Episode 15 - Cop and a Half-Wit - full transcript

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

TV ANNOUNCER: We now return
to The Terminator.

I've been sent here
from the future.



I have to have sex with your
housekeeper to save humanity.

What?

Bring me your housekeeper!

I have to have
sex with her now!

I'm the Terminator!

I don't have
a housekeeper.

And I think you're just

present-day Arnold
Schwarzenegger.

No, I am a machine.

Every second I'm not having
sex with a housekeeper,

robots are killing
people in the future.

Okay, I finish
for the day.

You lied to me!

You do have
a housekeeper!



Let's go make
a large-faced boy.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
cop, cop, cop.

Peter, it's me, and you're an
adult man drinking in a bar.

Anyway, sorry I'm late.

The pantry down at the station
needed new shelf paper.

That's what they got
you doing down there?

Well, that, and I'm also in
charge of the office gerbil.

And let me tell you, Lieutenant
Nibbles is quite a handful.

He'll only eat real
cheese, not processed.

You buy special cheese
for a gerbil?

Yeah, I have to,
he outranks me.

Jeez, Joe, what
the hell happened?

You used to be this badass cop
out there on the street,

busting heads and
keeping us safe.

Well, it may not sound exciting,
but I play an important role.

I go through all
the body cam footage

and take out all the parts
where the cops go pee-pee.

So you're just erasing
cop wieners all day?

Eh, not erasing, sort
of cutting them together

into a funny montage
we show on birthdays.

Speaking of which, Flannigan's
got the big "four-oh" coming up.

Got to go.

Man, you guys think Joe's
as happy as he says he is,

just doing all that desk work?

No way, he's just putting
lipstick on a pig.

This is called
"Crimson Sky."

What do you think?

Mmm.

WOMAN'S VOICE:
Harold?

Get this off of me!

What are you doing in
the women's department?

Uh, waiting for you.

Well, I'm ready.
Let's go.

(voice breaking):
Who are you?

Ugh, she just put her tampons
on top of the bread.

Take the groceries out,
we got start over.

Mom, can I go barehand
raisins from the bulk aisle?

Okay, but if
you get caught,

just say, "oopsie-poopsie,"
like a simpleton.

Hey, watch your fat arms!

Excuse me, ma'am, your little
girl dropped her teddy bear.

What?

"Little girl"?

(laughs)

Yeah, she hates it
when she drops that.

He's actually a little boy,
but thank you very much.

Did she just
think I was a girl?

Why would she
think that?

I don't know, maybe she saw
you try to throw that feather

in the yard yesterday.

Hey, don't watch me
when I'm doing stuff.

MANAGER: What are
you doing, kid?

Those aren't free!

CHRIS:
Oopsie-poopsie!

MANAGER: Aw,
God bless you.

Help yourself.

(engine stalling)

JOE:
Car trouble?

Ah, son of a
bitch, Joe!

Didn't even
hear you coming.

Yeah, I'm kind of
quiet on grass.

Thanks for giving
me a ride, Joe.

Hey, since we're
in a cop car,

let's talk about our hunches and
how something doesn't add up.

All right.

I have a hunch Madea's
not really a girl.

Yeah, something doesn't
add up about that.

DISPATCHER:
All units,

reports of a drug deal in
progress at Fifth and Maple.

Shots fired.

Suspect possibly armed.

Well, shots fired,
so definitely armed, duh.

Dispatch much?

Sorry, guys.

Fifth and Maple?
That's right near here.

We got to go!

No can do, I got to
go to the station

and tidy up the
bulletin board.

No one's biting on
those guitar lessons.

What are you talking about?

There's a drug deal going down!

Peter, there's a lot you don't
understand about police work.

What's to understand?
I watch TV.

Come on, Joe, let's put this
70's siren on your car and go.

Did you just wipe
a booger on my roof?

Let's go! Let's go!

(siren chirps)
Oh, crap! Cops!

That's the house!

Hold on, Peter,
we can't go in there.

We got to wait for backup.

The hell we do!
(gun clicks)

Peter!

Reach for the stars!

What?

I think he's telling us
to follow our dreams.

Where are the drugs?

What are
you doing?

You are violating all
kinds of procedures!

There's no drugs
here, pig.

Ah-ha!
No drugs, huh?

Well, what do
you call this?

And I'll bet there's more
where that came from.

(toilet flushes)

They're trying
to flush their stash!

Nice try, scumbag,

but I got your squishy
drugs right here.

Uh-oh.

(sirens wailing)
Peter, hand me my gun
and get out of here!

I could get
fired for this!

And I can't go back to my job
as a magician's assistant.

And now, to pull
the two sides apart.

(cymbal crash, audience gasps)

And wiggle your toes!

I said, wiggle your toes!

JOE:
Yeah, that's, uh,

that's why I wanted to
talk to you before the show.

What's up, dudes?

Stewie, what the hell
is all this?

Uh, only the most
manly thing ever.

A little something
called American football.

Is that a
Michael Sam jersey?

Yep. Two boy names.

Doubly masculine.

Like George Michael?
Shut up!

Come on, Stewie, are you
still hung up about

that woman at the grocery store
thinking you were a girl?

Elton John.

Is another.

It has nothing to
do with that, Brian.

I just thought it'd be
good to take up a sport.

You know,
like boys do.

You don't have to play football
to prove you're a boy.

Barney Frank.

Is yet another one.

Chris, please.

Actually, you know what?
Ricky Martin.

There's a bunch of these.

Anyway, they're not gonna let
you play football, Stewie.

You're too little.

Oh, don't worry.

I'm gonna be bad news
for the other team.

And nobody likes bad news.

Except for Larry, the
Self-Loathing Idiot.

Larry, I'm afraid you only
have three months to live.

(soft, idiotic giggle)

POLICE CAPTAIN:
Swanson!

I need to see you right now!

Captain.

Lieutenant.

You had no business
participating in that raid

at Fifth and Maple.

I know that, Captain.
I'm sorry that I...

But I'm glad you did.

Excuse me?

You brought down one of the
biggest drug rings in Quahog.

Above and beyond, Swanson.

Well, sir, I...

I'm just like any other cop.

My wife puts on my pants
one leg at a time.

I appreciate your modesty,
but nice work.

It's hard to believe
you did that all by yourself.

Yep, did it all by myself,
I did, I did.

My little lonesome, says I.

That's weird phrasing, but
I'll tell you this, Swanson,

you keep up this kind of work,

there'll be no more
grocery runs for you.

You'll be back on
the street full-time.

Thank you, Captain.

(squeaking)
Sir?

Thank you, sir.

Hey, Peter.

You know, I was just thinking
about how much fun we had

the other day, and wondered
if you'd want to join me

for another ride-along.

Well, yeah, but I-I thought
you said I couldn't do that

'cause you'd
get in trouble.

Eh, it'll be
our little secret.

All right.

Hey, can I drive the car?

Yeah, I guess I can
let you drive.
Awesome!

Hey, and-and can we go
slow up to a homeless guy

and go "joop-joop"
and see what he does?

That's half the job.

So, what do you say?
You think you're up to it?

You bet I am.

I'm in the best
shape of my life.

I've been working my Dave
Matthews Punching Bag.

Thank you very much
for using me today.

(mumbling to the
speed of punching bag)

This isn't annoying enough.

I need my David Lee Roth bag.

(mumbling to the
speed of punching bag)

(whistle blowing,
children clamoring)

Wow. So these are the
wife-beaters of tomorrow.

Which team is
Stewie gonna be on?

He's not gonna
be on any team.

He's just overcompensating
because he was called a girl.

But once he sees how big the
other kids are, he'll back out.

Ooh! My shoes have
12 little heels.

BRIAN:
They're cleats!

Okay, kids, let's
start practice.

Yeah! Football!

Boy stuff. Hitting the shower.

Getting embarrassed.

Going home to shower.

Okay, Stewie,
enough is enough.

All right, let's-let's
get you out of here.

Yeah, you probably should
get him out of there,

'cause he's just
a little shrimp.

Uh, okay, thank you.

I mean, look at him.

My Tyler would
kill him out there.

Okay, well, believe me, there's

there's more to him
than you think.

Come on, Stewie.

You know, ballet
is great exercise.

Maybe you should put
short stack in a tutu.

No, you know
what, Stewie?

Get the hell out
on that field!

(quietly): And if you see
that Tyler, take his knee out.

All right,
let's do it!

Football game!

Then, reminder,
showering at home.

Okay, I guess we'll see who's
got the toughest kid here.

Yeah, I guess
we will.

Hey!

Oopsie-poopsie!

Aw.

♪ No sleep till ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Brooklyn ♪

♪ Foot on the pedal ♪

♪ Never ever false metal ♪

♪ Engine running hotter
than a boiling kettle ♪

♪ My job ain't a job,
it's a damn good time ♪

♪ City to city,
I'm running my rhymes ♪

♪ On location ♪

♪ Touring around the nation ♪

♪ Beastie Boys
always on vacation ♪

♪ Itchy trigger finger ♪

♪ But a stable turntable ♪

♪ I do what I do best ♪

♪ Because I'm willing and able ♪

♪ Ain't no faking,
your money I'm taking ♪

♪ Going coast to coast to watch
all the girlies shaking ♪

♪ While you're at the job
working 9:00 to 5:00 ♪

♪ The Beastie Boys at the
Garden cold kickin' it live ♪

♪ ♪

♪ No sleep till ♪

♪ Another plane, another train ♪

♪ Another bottle in the brain ♪

♪ Another girl, Another fight ♪

♪ Another drive all night ♪

♪ Our manager's crazy ♪

♪ He always smokes dust ♪

♪ He's got his own room
at the back of the bus ♪

♪ Tour around the world ♪

♪ You rock around the clock,
plane to hotel ♪

♪ Girls on the jock ♪

♪ We're trashing hotels like
it's going out of style... ♪

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.

Our top story tonight:

local news anchor
too professional

to laugh at penis poked
through hole in cue card.

But first,
earlier today at city hall,

the mayor honored a hero cop

who has foiled
a string of recent crimes.

Good afternoon, we had
a budget meeting that ran long,

so I'm gonna eat my lunch

while I hold
this press conference.

Ooh, my favorite!

Loose Cobb salad in a lunchbox.

I'm gonna now shake this up

like a lady in your office.

Okay, while the dressing
does its magic,

let's honor
Officer Joe Swanson,

who single-handedly cut crime
in Quahog by 75%.

What? "Single-handedly"?

Officer Swanson, as thanks
from a grateful city,

please accept
this Certificate of Merit.

And with that, I hereby declare
this hero cop open!

Whoa, sweet bod.

You lift, bro?

Damn it, I can't believe
Joe's hogging all the credit.

That bastard's just getting
famous by tricking people.

Like Orson Welles.

So the aliens have come to Earth

to destroy all mankind.

And, uh...

they're going to start
at McDonald's.

So if you're in line there,
you better run.

Whoa, whoa!
N-Not the workers, though.

They've already said
the workers are safe.

(whistle blows)

Excuse me,
Coach Herar-Herar-ra-ra-ra...?

It's Herrera.

Okay, well that's
a lot of Rs, but listen,

I-I noticed you're not
starting Stewie.

Oh, I can't put him in.

I mean, he can come out
for limp handshakes

at the end of the game, but I
can't play him. He's too little.

"Little"?

Oh, like that car
you drive over there?

Let's see if it looks bigger
when I throw a Sprite at it.

Well, that's not my
car, but I don't care,

I'm just a volunteer.

All right, Griffin,
get in there!

Come on, Stewie, give your dog
something to post on Facebook!

Something to post
on Facebook, let's go.

(whistle blows)

All right,
and nobody's blocking.

(grunts)

Oh, my God. Stewie!

Are you okay?

Back off!
He may have a concussion.

A concussion?

You do me an honor, Lieutenant,

but my dance card is full.

Officer Swanson,
as you requested,

here's a big stack of all
the cases you cracked.

Oh, great. Now I'm gonna go
ahead and brood over a photo

of the girl whose case
was the one I couldn't solve.

Your '70s sweater and
feathered hair let people know

this is a cold case.

PETER:
Well, hello, Officer Swanson.

Peter? What are you doing?

You're not supposed to be here.

I saw you on TV, hogging all
the credit for my police work.

Look, I told you, I need you
to be a silent partner on this.

The truth is I could get
in a lot of trouble.

Oh, I see. You need me to be the
bad cop who kicks all the ass

and then I'm supposed
to be quiet about it?

Well, my silence
is gonna cost you.

What are you saying?

I'm saying you get stuff,
I want stuff.

I've seen that evidence locker.

I know you got
Discmans in there.

I want
a murdered jogger's Discman.

Peter, you know I can't do that.

Yeah? Well, maybe
I accidentally reveal

that you're not the hero
everyone thinks you are

and that you've been
letting your neighbor

do all kinds of cop stuff.

You wouldn't do
that, would you?

You bet I would.

And one more thing.

Peter asked me to do this.

He, he said
it's something from before.

I, I don't know, I...
I hope it's funny.

(car door opens)

All right, I'm here. But why
did you want me to bring this?

I'll tell you why.
You're getting all the credit

for my police work,
so I want stuff from you.

I want a minute in your house
with this shopping cart,

like Supermarket Sweep.

Here, time me.

Peter, you expect me to
let you ransack my house?

Well, unless you'd rather
I spill the beans to the chief

about who's been doing
your dirty work.

Okay, go.

(cabinets opening)

Aw, sweet, board games!

I'm taking the cannon
from your Monopoly!

(Bonnie screams)
Why is Peter in the house?

It's a police matter, Bonnie!

PETER: Hey, how come
Kevin's room is locked?

He just wants some privacy!

It's locked
from the outside!

Don't open it, Peter!

(door opens, crashing)

Hi, baby. Hi, baby.

Get out of Susie's room!

(crashing)

Your stuff sucks.
I didn't need the full minute.

Hey, Stewie, how's our
little concussion guy?

Oh, my God. Can you...
can you see me?

Yeah, no, I'm fine, I'm fine.

I-Is anybody gonna
answer that telephone?

He keeps thinking
the phone is ringing, Brian.

Well, at least
he's talking again.

I think that means
he's getting better.

Is it day or night?

I don't-I don't care,
I just want to know.

Lois, answer the bloody phone!

N-No, no! W-we don't
need Lois. (chuckles)

Chris, pretend to
answer the phone.

Oh, uh, hello?

Okay. Yes, one second.

Mom, it's for you!

What? No! Damn it, Chris!

Um, um... I'll,
I'll take that.

Hello, this is Brian Griffin.

Actually, I already receive
The New York Times,

and I always enjoy finishing
the crossword puzzle.

You're bragging to nobody?

Phone's still ringing.

Crap, Chris, he's worse
off than I thought.

We have to do something.

Well, on TV if somebody
gets hit on the head,

you hit them a second time and
that gets them back to normal.

No, no, Chris. This
is very serious.

You see, what a concussion is
is the impact of brain matter

on the inside of the skull.

That's why you sometimes
hear this nonsense about,

"Oh, let's just give
them better helmets."

But you can't make a
helmet for the inside...

Chris, are you crazy?

Shh. Let's just let him
sleep this off.

Look how peaceful he is.

I wonder what's going on
in that little head of his.

♪ The world looks
mighty good to me ♪

♪ 'Cause Tootsie Rolls
are all I see ♪

♪ Whatever it is
I think I see ♪

♪ Becomes a Tootsie Roll
to me! ♪

Joe, is something wrong?

I didn't hear you crying
in the shower this morning.

I'm just dealing
with some stuff at work.

But everything's going so well.

You've been getting
all those commendations

and my online handmade lip balm
business is really taking off.

I don't even know
what you're talking about.

Well, I'm proud of you.

And you should be
proud of yourself.

I want these:
rechargeable heated mittens.

Write it down.

Forget it, Peter.

I'm done being
blackmailed by you.

Oh, yeah?

Well, fine, but remember,

you're nothing
without your muscle.

DISPATCHER:
Any available unit,

we have a report of
an armed robbery in progress.

Go on, hero cop.
You don't need me.

Well, uh, maybe you and I
could do one last bust

for old time's sake.

Yes! All right, let's do it.
Let's go be heroes.

Like the designated Shriver.

Is there a skeleton with a wig
that can drive me home?

I can.

Look at this mess!

Where is the housekeeper?

Well, you already look better.

The doctor should be in
any minute.

(baby crying)

Chris, what the hell?

There is a room where you can
go in and just get free people.

Yeah, you should give that back.

Look, I'm really sorry
I let you get hurt, Stewie.

I never should've pushed you
into that game.

Oh, it's not your fault.

I just have to accept
that I'm not a man

and I'm never going to be one.

That's ridiculous.
You can't let

what one woman says in a grocery
store define who you are.

Mom and Dad said it, too.

I heard it through
a vent in the wall.

Hey, knock, knock.

Coach Herrera?

You came to see Stewie?

Yeah, I wanted to check in
on this tough little guy.

"Tough little guy"?

It takes a real man
to take a hit like that.

Feel better, sport.

How about that?

"Real man."

See? I told you, Stewie.

You're a big, tough boy.

Yes, I guess I am.

That may be, Stewie.

But if I were you,
I'd stay off the field.

Concussions are the number one
problem in football today.

Recent brain scan studies
have shown...

(band music playing)

...that brain injuries are
directly linked to dementia

and suicides in former players!

(music gets louder)
Yet the league...

You can play the music louder
but you can't silence the truth!

(siren wailing,
tires screeching)

Peter, slow down!

No can do, Joe.
I'm all hopped up

'cause I Vicks Vapo'd my sack.

(tires screeching)

I also got some
of it in my eyes.

Am I getting them?
Am I getting the robbers?

Peter, put the gun down!

On the floor, punks.

Everybody dies.

(screams)

My already-irritated eyes!

Aw, damn it, Peter!

This is Officer Swanson,
I need backup at...

PETER: Ow! They're beating me
with vaping accessories!

Forget it, there's no time.

Freeze, police!

Too late, Joe. I already
identify with my captors.

Don't hurt Max and Ken.

(gunshots)

Holy crap, Joe.
That was freaking amazing!

You kicked their ass!

You're right, I guess I did.

And without my help.

See, this is the Joe I remember.

You know, maybe you had it
in you all along.

Wow. I guess I just got
ground down by years

of people treating me
like an errand boy,

and I just let them
walk all over me.

You know, you were a real
pain in the butt as a partner,

but you helped me
find myself again.

Thanks, Peter.

You're welcome, Joe.

Excuse me, do you have any
Tab soda I can bring back

to the sex dungeon where I've
been held captive for decades?

Ma'am, this is a crime scene.

I'm gonna have to ask you
to move along.

You're right, Peter.
I'm a pretty good cop.