Family Guy (1998–…): Season 14, Episode 20 - Road to India - full transcript

♪ Family Guy 14x20 ♪
Road to India
Original Air Date on May 22, 2016

(instrumental Indian-style
version of theme song playing)

♪ ♪

What are you
doing over there?

I'm on hold
with tech support.

My computer locked up
right in the middle

of this story
I'm working on.

God, even Microsoft Word
hates your writing.

WOMAN (Indian accent): Thank you
for holding. How can I help you?

Well, for starters, you can keep
talking with that lovely accent.

Amazing. One second of a
stranger's voice on a phone



and you've got
full Bollywood.

I... I assume
she's in India.

Your friend is correct.

I am in India.

But you sound like
a perfect gentleman to me.

My name is Padma.

Padma. That was
my mother's name.

(sighs) I'm gonna get
an English muffin.

So what seems to be the problem?

Well, one problem I have

is that I have too much money.
(chuckles)

Then why don't you just
buy a new computer?

What? I-I...

(chuckles) Oh, I'm just
bursting your balls.



(laughing):
Oh!

Well, you're a feisty one.
(chuckles)

Uh, actually, my computer froze

right in the middle
of a story I'm writing.

Oh, you are a writer?

Are you famous?

By choice, no. No.

Sometimes fame brings
a lot of unwanted attention.

I mean, look at
William Shakespeare.

William Shakespeare.
Aye.

Nice collar,
you fruit.

Thank ye.

Hey, Shakespeare.

What's the title
of your next play?

You should call it
Homosexual Collar Guy.

Ah, thy japes and jabs cut me
to the quick, squire.

What does that
even mean?

I know.

It means, "I use
this collar as a bib

for when I
service guys."

Thank ye, thank ye.

So, how'd you
like the collar?

'Tis not for me.

(knocking on door)

Huh, there's no one there.

Must have been
some kids knocking.

Down here, Lois.

Oh, for God's
sake, Joe.

Can't you put a tall flag on the
back of your chair or something?

I apologize for the difficulty
my paralysis causes you.

Hey, Peter. Good news.

Bonnie's out of town,
so I have an extra ticket

for Tuesday night bingo
down at the Allendale Mill.

Why the hell would I
want to go to bingo?

Oh, it's a blast.

There's the thrill of the game,
people bring snacks,

plus you'll hear some
pretty unfiltered opinions

about those jokers
in Washington.

Yeah, that sounds
perfectly terrible.

You know what, Joe?

Peter would love
to go with you.

What?!
Terrific.

I'll pick you up at 6:00.

What'd you do that for?!

Peter, he's your friend.

Who knows?
It might be fun.

(sighs)
All right, I'll go.

But I'm not happy.

You know how much I hate
being told what to do.

(toilet flushes)

You know, Padma,
I love Indian food.

But I'd have to say my least
favorite curry is Ann.

(chuckles)

She's... she's
a newscaster here.

I... I wish I could have
slipped that in earlier.

PADMA:
Oh, no, I know her.

She's internationally despised.

So, are you done rebooting?

Look, (sighs) uh,
I have to come clean.

Um, my computer wasn't
actually broken this time.

Uh, I just wanted
to talk to you again.

I like talking
to you, too, Brian.

Oh, hey, is that Padma
from tech support again?

Yeah. Yeah, it is.

Oh, cool.
Ask her a question for me.

How come over there
they just talk on the phone,

and over here
they're all doctors?

Get out of here. Lois
said you're supposed

to sit on the potty
for one hour straight.

I'm taking a break.
I got bored.

And you've been on the phone
for more than an hour.

I'm sorry.
Can you give me a sec?

Look, I know it's crazy,

but I honestly feel
a connection to this woman.

More than I have
to anyone in a long time.

That's nice, Brian, but
you're from different worlds.

She's in India.

That's a lot to overcome.

People in love can
overcome anything.

I guess you're right.

I mean, look at
Jeb Bush and his wife.

Honey, do you think
I'll ever be president?

No, no, no.

Stewie!

What? It's just a joke.

Yeah, but come on.

Look it up, man.
Google her.

I know what
she looks like.

Oh, I see you came
with the Big Cheese.

What?

You?

You're the Big Cheese?

I usually bring
a variety wheel

of Laughing Cow cheese.

(laughing):
Laughing Cow!

That's got to be
a happy farm, right?

(laughing)

Oh, you just must be
cracking up all the time

hanging out
with this one.

Look, ma'am, I don't know
what signals Joe is sending out,

but I'm married.

G-49.

Hey, and you're
already on the board.

You're a natural at this.

Oh, and fair warning,
when they call O-69,

I say, "Oh, my! Ooh-la-la!"

(laughs)

Yeah, really
funny, Joe.

Or-or how about
this one?

"Oh... my God, I want to
kill myself right now."

All right, I got
to get through this.

I'm just gonna go
to my happy place.

Go to your happy place, Peter.

♪ ♪

PETER: Oh, and you're wearing
the necklace I gave you.

Well, if I were you,
I'd sure be excited.

You're only one number away
from having a bingo.

I am?

What, you mean
if they call...

CALLER:
O-74.

(gasps)

Bingo!

You were right, Joe,
this is awesome.

I've never won anything.

Well, except for when I won
that "Tori Spelling Bee."

Peter, your word is "equine."

ANNOUNCER: Peter reached this
round by accurately spelling

"collagen," "repulsive"
and "botched."

God, I can't believe
you're still at work, Padma.

It's, like, 2:00 in the morning.

PADMA:
No, it is noon here.

Do you not know
about time zones?

Oh, uh, yeah, oh, that's right.

You guys are on metric.

Oh, you're in here?

Yeah, I'm on the phone.

Is, uh, is Chris down
in the laundry room?

Yeah, I think so.

(sighs) Okay, looks
like this is gonna be

a stander-upper
in the garage.

Uh-oh, six percent.

Better hustle.

It's so nice to talk
to you, Brian.

You make me feel wonderful.

God, if only you
weren't so far away.

I wish I could just somehow
magically appear there

and meet you in person.

Oh, Brian, that would
be like a dream.

Okay, I should go.

I have 11,000 people on hold.

Good-bye, Padma.

What the hell's
going on?

Somebody's screaming
in the garage.

Why are you still up?

Because I'm in love.

Oh, with that
Indian chick?

What was her
name? Dot?

No, it's not Dot,
it's Padma.

And I have to be with her.

Stewie, I'm going to India.

(gasps) Oh, my God,
I'm going with you.

My yoga class will
be so jealous.

Hey, everyone, the guy
I told you about, Brian,

he's taking me to India!

(squealing)
Oh, my God!

(Indian music playing)

We finally made
it, Brian.

We're in India.

Excuse me, man with no pupil,

where can we get
a taxicab around here?

All right,
let's do it, Stewie.

Let's go find Padma.

Shouldn't be hard in this
dreamy land of wonder.

I can already smell the
enlightenment and tranquility.

(inhales)

(indistinct chatter)

(coughing)

This is wonderful,
isn't it, Brian?

It's so tranquil,
I'm tearing up.

Come on, I think
I see a cab

with less than
nine people in it.

All right,
it's winning time.

Let's get this show
on the road.

After all, it's not
called "bing-stop,"

it's called "bing-go!"

(laughing)

That's very clever.

Yeah, and, uh...
uh, maybe if I win,

I'll yell, "bing-Joe."

Don't force it, Joe.

Yeah, be quiet, Joe.

Me and the gang are trying
to hear our numbers.

"You" and the gang?

I'm the one who
brought you here.

Yeah, well, you
know something?

The Mayflower also
brought fungus,

which then became
the Potato Famine.

What the hell are
you talking about?

I don't know, I've had,
like, four Ensures.

I'm out of my mind.

Peter, I brought you here
to have fun, not take over.

Look, Joe, I'm a
little busy right now,

so I'm gonna have the Somali
pirate from Captain Phillips

tell you something.

Joe, look at me.

Look at me.

He is the bingo captain now.

I tell you, I love
it here, Brian.

The sounds,
the colors.

You know, this is
where the Beatles came

to ruin their music.

Yeah, yeah, that's great.

Anyway, Padma works
in Bangalore,

so we got to hurry
and catch the train.

(sighs) Can't believe
we're really in India.

Oh, look over there.

There's cute little
kids are playing

Cowboys and Indians
and Indians.

I'm gonna shoot you
with my six-gun.

I'm gonna shoot you
with my bow and arrow.

I'm just going to stand
here wearing a shirt

that appears
to be a jacket.

♪ ♪

Do you think all those
chickens had to buy tickets?

I don't know,
but I'm starving.

What I wouldn't give right now
for a big juicy steak.

How dare you?

To us, cows
are sacred!

That's right, you
are disrespecting

our entire culture.

And why did Wes Anderson come
here to make his worst movie?

Stewie, what do we do?
Quick, hit the red buttons!

Wow, that came in handy.
Yeah.

Now let's get out of here.
Let's see what their wieners look like.

Yeah. Yeah, no,
let's get out of here.

Okay, I'm off to bingo.

Peter, what are
you wearing?

Oh, you mean
my bingo cape?

That's our holiday
tablecloth.

I'm sorry, Lois, but my
people have come to expect

a certain degree of pageantry.

Don't wait up.

We may go to Denny's.

Is Joe going with you?

Oh, "Crybaby Joe"?

Nah, he doesn't come anymore.

I think he resents my skill.

Peter, bingo was
Joe's favorite thing.

Now, you go over there
and take him with you,

or I don't want
you going at all.

Hey, hey, hey, don't try
to take this away from me.

This is the only thing
I've ever been good at.

Well, this and timing
my farts to a thunderstorm.

Why don't we all go ahead and
turn to page six in the handout?

(thunder crashes)
Ah...

The first thing you're
gonna notice is a bar graph.

And what that is is to indicate
our international sales,

(thunder crashes)

which peaked, of course,
- Oh, yeah.

during the last quarter.

But now we're expecting
that to drop off

as we enter the
colder weather.

(farts)

(thunder crashes)

The storm's moving away.

(horn honking)
(indistinct chatter)

(flies buzzing)

We made it!

This is where Padma works!

I feel like I owe every bus
in America an apology.

So, we haven't discussed
what you're going

to do if she's a pig.

She's already
beautiful to me.

And you know,
we'll see.

(indistinct chatter)

My God, how you
gonna find her?

There are hundreds
of people in here.

Don't worry, I
thought of that.

PADMA: Thank you
for calling tech support.

How can I help you?

I'll tell you how.

Stand on your desk.

Brian?

Padma, just do it.

Oh, boy.

Are you Padma?

No, I am Ranita.

There is a python in my cube.

Brian?

Padma!

I can't believe this!

Why are you here?

Because I was having
a technical issue

with my heart.

Ugh, 16 hours on a plane,

and that's what you
came up with?

I am touched you came
all this way to see me.

I'm so glad I did.

You're even more beautiful
than I imagined.

Well, I have to admit
you two do make a cute couple.

But then again, so did Chris
Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow.

Do you take this woman
to lecture you

about trans fats for as long
as you both shall live?

I do.

And do you take this man to be

a watered-down Bono
until death do you part?

I do.

I now pronounce you
pretentious and terrible.

You may name your daughter
after a fruit.

(animals bleating)

(indistinct chatter)

So, this is my town.

I have lived here
my whole life.

Well, if you were born here,
then it must be a magical place.

Yes, let's go get
sandwiches

at that New Delhi
I keep hearing about.

(plays two rimshots)

Thanks, Ganesha.

I am so happy
that you are here.

In fact, my family is
having a big party tonight.

You must both come
as my guests.

Oh, an Indian party!

I hope they play that one song
with the shrieking, nasal,

atonal woman over the bongos
and tambourines.

(woman singing atonally)

You seem nervous.

Are you worried
about meeting Padma's family?

Yeah. Well, that,
and this is always

what it looks
like on Homeland

right before there's
a drone strike.

Oh, my, you both
look so elegant.

Thanks, I did a little
shopping today.

Not me.
Mine is actually

an Aladdin costume
from last Halloween.

I never travel without it.

(dinging)

Family, guests,

and monkeys who have
wandered in to steal fruit,

it is my honor to welcome you
to this engagement celebration.

Oh, "engagement"?

So, who's getting married?

I am.

What?!

Padma, my beloved daughter.

Dhiraj, my future son-in-law.

Please, come
and meet one another.

Welp, that's a Punjab
to the figs.

Where's the bar?

Everyone, you are all
so kind to come tonight,

and it is so nice
to meet you, Dhiraj.

But something happened today,
and I can no longer marry you.

Padma, what is it?

My true love is here tonight.

He has come to me
all the way from America.

His name is Brian Griffin.

And my heart belongs to him.

(all gasp)

Quick, everyone's
looking at the dog!

Go, go, go!

Padma, you cannot
call off the wedding!

I have already paid a large
dowry to Dhiraj's family!

But it would be wrong
to marry someone I do not love.

The one I love is Brian.

Sir, what if I were to repay you
for all you've spent?

Would Padma then be free
to marry whoever she wanted?

(gasps)
Brian!

You would do that?

Yes.
I love you, Padma,

and-and I'd do anything
to be with you.

I suppose that
might be possible.

Great, just give me
a chance to raise the money,

so I can marry your daughter
and make her happy.

Oh, so you don't
have the money?

He's holding onto an Applebee's
gift card with $1.62 on it.

I do not know
Applebee's.

Is it like our
Colonel Chutney's?

Does Colonel Chutney's
make you sick?

Not every time.

Then, no,
it's very different.

I mean, my wife and I have
never said the words

"open marriage," but...

Oh, hey, Lois!

Peter, it's time
to come home

and give Joe back
his stupid little activity.

I appreciate that,
Lois.

First of all, this
is my favorite thing

in the world now, so no.

And second of all, we're
about to play a new round,

so start taking
your pants off,

'cause when I win,
I want you ready.

Peter, if it wasn't for Joe,

you wouldn't know
about bingo anyway.

This meant everything to him,
and you've taken it away.

As a friend, do the right thing

and give Joe back
the happiness he found here.

(sad music playing)

Joe, gag on my fat dauber.

Damn it, I didn't want
to have to do this,

but you've left
me no choice!

Kids, get in here!

Yay! Time with Dad!

That's a bingo for me!

All right,
how do you play?

"Free space"?!

Wow! What's that about?!

I call I sit
next to Dad!

(sighs)

All right, forget this.

Let's all go home and each do

our own individual media things.

(Indian music playing)
(indistinct chatter)

Stewie, I don't think
this is gonna work.

We're never gonna
raise enough money

to pay back
Padma's father.

Trust me, Brian, there are
a billion people here,

and almost every one
of them has a tapeworm.

Yes, excuse me,
I have a tapeworm.

All right, very good.
Lie down on your stomach.

This won't hurt a bit.

Hey, how are you guys?

Oh, you're a lady.

And you sound
American.

How long have you
been in there?

I originally just came
for my junior year,

but I fell in love
with the place.

Stewie, there's no way
I'm sitting here all day

watching tapeworms
come out of butts.

I'm doomed.

I'll never be able
to pay for Padma's dowry.

I don't understand.

In movies, everything in India
always turns out great.

Julia Roberts ate or loved
or prayed or something.

I don't, I don't know.
I didn't see it.

Wait a minute!

Movies about India.

I know how I can make the money!

♪ ♪

Who wants to be

a millionaire?

Our next contestant comes
all the way from America!

Brian Griffin!

What brings you to India, Brian?

I'll tell you what brought me.

True love.

STEWIE:
He's breaking up a marriage!

All right, let's get started.

First question--
"Which retired Indian cricketer

"has scored over
18,000 runs

in ODI competition?"

Um, O...?
Wha...?

O-ODI?
What?

Is it A) Anil Kumble,

B) Mahendra Singh Dhoni,

C) Sachin Tendulkar,

or D) Jiminy Cricket?

Well, I know, I know
it's not Jiminy Cricket.

Unless Jiminy's
based on a real person.

I need an answer.

You know, the more I say it,

the more it does sound Indian.

(Indian accent):
Jiminy Cricket.

D) Jiminy Cricket, final answer.

I'm sorry,
that is incorrect.

Thank you for playing!

We'll be right back

after this message
from the Indian Census Bureau.

Too many people!

Stop with the people!

Padma, I'm sorry.

I still haven't
raised the money.

But I'm working on it.

There is no longer a need.

My father has
solved the problem

by promising Dhiraj
the hand of my younger sister.

Oh, Padma, I meant
to ask you, are there, like,

Bengal tigers just
running loose in the cities?

I don't know.

In America, are there
annoying talking babies

always interrupting?

Okay, it's been
a long trip.

Let's not say anything
we're gonna regret.

Wait a minute, so if,
if Dhiraj is marrying

your sister, that means
we can be together!

Actually, about that.

I think watching you try to
answer that question out there,

I realized something.

You know nothing
of my country or my culture.

Well, tha-that was a
really tough question.

No, it wasn't.

Everyone in India knows
who Sachin Tendulkar is.

Brian, I am deeply touched
that you came all this way

to find me,
but the truth is, you and I

have very little in common.

Well, I could learn!

I mean, I mean,
there's got to be

an old Carmen Sandiego episode
on India or something.

STEWIE:
Brian, Brian, punt, punt.

I know you would try,
Brian.

But when I look
inside myself,

I realize I do not
want to marry you.

Mostly, I just did not
want to marry Dhiraj.

I am so sorry.

Have I answered all of your
questions to your satisfaction?

No! I came halfway
around the world for you!

You said I was your true love!

Well, by coming here,

you saved me from a lifetime
of unhappiness.

And I will always
love you for that.

Good-bye, Brian.

A peck on the cheek?

Was that worth
an $8,000 coach ticket?

You know what?

It's about the journey,
not the destination.

No, it's not.

This sucked
and you failed.

Story over!

Bollywood!

♪ When you least expect you'll
find magic in your life ♪

What the...?
What the hell is this?

Oh, in India it's
traditional to do a final

musical curtain call
over the end credits.

♪ Brian came so far,
but he never found a wife ♪

♪ Ho-ho ♪

♪ Big show ♪

♪ Ho-ho ♪

♪ Time to go ♪

This is kind of weird.

Come on, Brian,
just surrender to it.

Hey, I was in the episode, too!

♪ Bing-go! ♪

♪ And I'm Joe ♪

Joe is the captain again!

All right, I'll give it a shot.

♪ Well, I came
across the world ♪

♪ For a very special girl... ♪

(Brian screaming)

Eyes forward,
finish the number.

Ranita, finish the number!