Family Guy (1998–…): Season 15, Episode 1 - The Boys in the Band - full transcript
Stewie and Brian form a children's band that threatens to fall apart when Olivia gets involved, while Chris gets a job managing Quagmire's sex life.
# It seems today that all you see
# Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
# But where are those good
old-fashioned values
# On which we used to rely?
# Lucky there's a family guy
# Lucky there's a man who positively
can do
# All the things that make us
# Laugh and cry
# He's...a...family...guy! #
ANNOUNCER: We now return to the
extended director's cut
of Willy Wonka And The
Chocolate Factory.
Charlie, don't forget what happened
to the boy who got everything he ever
wanted.
What?
He lived happily ever after.
But he did have to earn it.
Hint, hint.
Do it, Charlie! I'm not going back
to that four-person bed.
Hell, I'll do it if you want!
No, it has to be a child!
What did he just say? Brian, this
does not seem appropriate
to watch in front of the baby.
"Not appropriate"? You took me to
see Magic Mike XXL.
Nope, this one's wet.
This one, too.
Also wet.
Huh, this one's dry,
but the back of the seat
in front of it is wet.
Let's put on something more
child-friendly.
Time to "Too-tooty-too"
with the Turtlenecks!
Oh, God, no. These guys are
horrible.
# Do you kazoo? I often do.
# When I am blue, I do kazoo
# Too-tooty-too!
# Goes my kazoo
# I will kazoo
# Hey, how about you? #
Urgh, all they're doing is
announcing that they play the kazoo
and then asking if others also play
the kazoo.
This doesn't seem so bad.
I mean, after all,
it's a song for babies.
But that's the thing, baby songs
never tackle real baby issues.
You know, like loud noises
or teething.
Or when Dad uses me
as a lumbar pillow.
Ow. Ow.
Ow. Ow. Ow.
This thing works better in the car.
Well, how could they
address baby issues?
Children's songs are
written by adults.
And dollars to donuts, WHITE adults.
I...I...who are you mad at, Brian?
(SCOFFS) How much time you got?
Not enough for that, but you're
right.
If you want a song a baby will like,
you've got to get a baby to write
it.
Call John Mayer.
He's a big fat baby.
I'll do it and you can help.
Well, I did write a musical
about Alexander Hamilton.
Not that one, but sure, I'm in.
Ooh, I'm excited!
This will be great.
And those guys back at the factory
can suck it.
I'm gonna get out of this place
one day.
Hey, Butch, get a load of Stewie.
He says he's gonna get out of here.
(BOTH LAUGH) You don't know me, man!
I'm different! I've got ideas!
Hey, Butch, you hear that.
Stewie's got ideas (!)
Shut up! I'm gonna go across that
river and make it to the city on the
other side.
I'm gonna be a singer.
Buble over here
says he's gonna be a singer. Hey,
Buble, I got a tune for you to sing.
It's called Get Your Ass Back On The
Forklift, Lunch Is Over.
Hey, Stewie. Don't listen to those
guys. Follow your heart.
Shut up, Butch, you're the loser of
this crew!
Guys, you hear that? Butch told me
to follow my heart!
(ALL LAUGH)
Dad, can I have 50 bucks for a
shamrock tattoo? It's time.
All right, but make sure you get it
where everyone can see.
Hold on, Peter. If Chris wants money
for something,
maybe it's time he got a part-time
job. He could mow lawns or babysit.
I can't work, I'm too young.
Will Smith's little kid
works as a movie star,
even though he looks like
a wet baby horse.
OK, I suppose I could get a job.
Or maybe my old job as the guy
racing through an airport
at the end of a romantic comedy.
Taxi! Taxi!
(BRAKES SCREECH)
Hey, are you crazy?
Crazy for love!
The most amazing girl I've ever met
leaves on a plane in five minutes!
Get in.
# CHUMBAWAMBA - Tub Thumping #
(BRAKES SCREECH)
(SIREN)
What the hell's going on?
This guy's in love.
Is she worth it?
She's a once-in-a-lifetime girl.
We'll give you an escort.
No charge.
TANNOY: Final boarding call for
Ashley's flight to stuffy New England
college. Final boarding.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, child!
What's the hurry?
The love of my life, that's what!
We got a code Romeo.
Repeat, code Romeo.
If you get there on time there's an
extra 50 in it for you.
I love this job!
Ashley, wait!
(PANTING)
I wouldn't miss this for all the
rush hour fares in Bigtown.
Chris! You came!
Oh, my God!
Let me get my grandma.
Chris?
Ashley! I love you!
(NOISY KISSING)
CROWD: Urgh!
Oh, you're groaning at ME?
You paid $19 to fly Spirit Air.
You get what you get!
All right, Brian, I've written a few
songs
all about stuff babies
actually care about.
No more rainbows and unicorns.
Real baby issues.
Right, like heartworm and parvo?
No, baby stuff.
Oh, oh, HUMAN babies.
I didn't...I didn't realise there
was an agenda.
Look, just pay attention.
# Mama liked to party when you were
in her belly
# Drinking, she did some
# Mama liked to party
when you were in her belly
# That's why you are dumb #
I call that Mama Like To Party
(Chris's Song).
Stewie, that's good.
Hey, can I write one?
We need as many as we can.
Our first gig is Saturday.
It's a birthday party.
Wow, already?
How'd you book a gig so fast?
Easy. I figured out the perfect way
to get the word out to middle-aged
moms.
Musical entertainment
available for parties.
Hey, where are you drinking that
Chardonnay?
Hey, Chris. How's the job hunt going?
Terrible. I can't find a job
anywhere.
A lot of people seem to be turned
off by my dishonourable discharge.
What, from the army?
No, it's a euphemism.
Oh, yucky. You guys, I need help
unloading the groceries.
My undiagnosed mom injury
is flaring up.
These little things of apple sauce
better not be for desserts.
WOMAN: Go to hell, Glenn Quagmire!
I'm sorry, but Mondays are Asian
only.
Why is your last name Wong?
It's my married name!
Now I see why you're here.
Geez, what was that about?
A little scheduling mix-up.
I'm just so busy I don't have any
time to organise my own life.
Wait a minute, what if you had
someone to help keep you organised?
Chris is looking for work,
maybe he can help you out.
Huh, maybe. You have any references?
Uh, "cowabunga", "schwing",
"yada yada yada."
Those are pretty good references.
You're hired.
Look at that, look at the cake.
"Happy birthday Charlie
and Uncle Craig."
And "Uncle Craig" is written in a
different colour.
Oh, poor Uncle Craig.
Hey, is that your ex-girlfriend,
Olivia?
God, what's she doing here?
She was always such a nightmare.
Olivia? Oh, my God! Do I look OK?
I hate this shirt
Switch shirts, switch shirts!
Stewie? I thought that was you.
Hey, Olivia, hey...
What brings you here?
The birthday boy and I met at Burt
Reynolds' acting camp in Jupiter,
Florida.
I'm glad to hear you're still
acting.
You know, the last time I saw you,
you were -
Burning in a cardboard house?
Burning in a cardboard house, yeah.
I don't know if you've heard,
but we are the entertainment.
Aw, that's good!
Good for you!
OK, great to see you.
Come on, Stewie, it's not about her.
It's about those six children
watching and the spazzy kid
who's just waiting for the snakes.
CHILD: Bring out the snakes!
It's a hot crowd. Have fun out there.
I'm gonna go feed everything in my
van to each other.
OK, kids, if everyone's done washing
their hands from the snakes,
we have some fun music -
NO CLIMBING ON THE BOAT!
OK, now please welcome
Red Shirt, Blue Shirt.
(APPLAUSE) All right,
we're Red Shirt, Blue Shirt
and here's a song we call
Mommy And Daddy's Room
and we think it's one you can all
relate to.
# When everybody's gone to sleep and
you've said, "Goodnight, moon"
# There's plenty of noise still
coming from Mommy and Daddy's room
# Oh, Daddy says, "Please",
Mommy says, "No",
# Daddy says, "Come on",
Mommy says, "Whoa"
# Daddy goes, "Uh!",
Mommy goes, "Ow!"
# Daddy says, "I'm done",
Mommy goes, "Wow (!)"
# Daddy rolls over and falls asleep,
Mommy drinks wine in the dark #
(CHEERING)
My God, did you hear 'em, Stewie?
We're a hit!
We got to go out and celebrate.
Oh, he can't go out with you tonight.
He's got a date with me.
Really? Awesome!
Brian, I can't go.
I'm not feeling well.
Stewie, I've been standing here
the whole time.
You know what? That's fine. I'll
just go have a dog-style celebration
by myself.
Yeah! Awesome time!
This is very fun for me!
Hey!
Oh, hey!
This is fun, right?
The best!
And me, too!
Great crowd, babe.
What...what is this?
Oh, Olivia's president
of our fan club.
She's also doing half the band.
Do you even know what that means?
Let's just say I couldn't toddle
right for a week.
OK, you don't. All right, if you'll
excuse me, I have a poo-poo diaper.
Mwah!
You really think this Olivia thing
is a good idea? Why wouldn't it be?
It just seems like it always ends
badly for you two.
And it can be tricky
working with an ex.
Look at Kermit and Miss Piggy.
How are you feeling, Miss Piggy? I
heard you called in sick yesterday.
I had a frog in my throat.
Right, Kermie?
Huh? Right?
Please stop drinking.
OK, Chris, I think you're gonna be a
great assistant.
Your paperwork prepares to be in
order but before you get started
do you own a pair of rubber boots
that you'd have to wear if you
worked on a fishing boat?
I don't think so. OK, I guess it'll
be a light day today
but tomorrow you should come wearing
those. OK, got it.
The first thing I need you to do
every morning is punch me in the
stomach cos I'm a bad person.
Is this a trick?
It's the furthest thing from a
trick. Go ahead.
And it should be pretty hard, I'm a
worse person than you think.
(GASPS) OK, that's really good.
Now I need you to call Time Warner
about my cable bill.
All right, this one is for all the
mommies out there.
This is what we're really saying
when we're crying.
# Please put some butt paste on my
button
# Butt paste on my button
# Smear it on my button
for the fire down below
# Oh, oh, oh,
butt paste on my button
# Butt paste on my button
# I need it on my button cos it
cools and quells me so #
# Stay away, stay away,
from the big kid in the baby swing #
# There's a little metal box
at the top of the stairs
# In the back of the closet
and a tiny little key
# That's hidden in the book
in the drawer with the socks
# And I know how to use it
to open up the box
# And that's where the gun is #
You know, I talk a lot of smack but
at the end of the day these guys are
pro's.
Even broken-arm coyote
with washboard.
Let's keep this party rolling.
I'll go get us another
badly-scratched plastic pitcher of
soda.
Finally, he's doing something useful.
What? What do you mean?
Nothing, it's just...
you write all the songs,
you've got a better voice,
you've got the sweet bod.
Oh, my God, babe!
Plus you've got all the cool
catchphrases like, "Damn you all!"
or, "What the dude?" or whatever.
It's "deuce",
but yeah, you're right, I do.
Does it sound through the mic
like I'm saying "dude"?
Should it be "dude"? Meanwhile,
everyone thinks Brian is the star of
the group.
Who thinks that? I don't know.
I'm just saying after every show
the fans are always petting Brian,
and not you.
No-one's allowed to pet me,
it's illegal.
I just hate to see Brian getting all
the attention that YOU deserve.
You should really watch your back.
It's hard to believe
Brian would betray me.
I mean, he was there for me
when I hit rock bottom.
See, Brian? THAT'S a rock bottom.
Thanks for being here for that.
Now get out of here, we're about to
drink some Chardonnay.
Chris, could you please get Hannah a
'thank you' basket and schedule her
next appointment?
I'd like to see her again in two
weeks. Of course.
Mr Quagmire can fit in you at 3:00 a
week from Thursday. That works.
And you know to fast the night
before.
Yep. And would you like to leave your
panties in the fishbowl for a chance
to win a free lunch?
Good luck! When are you gonna do
that drawing anyway?
Oh, there's no drawing.
I just like smelling the bowl.
You're doing a great job, Chris.
Why don't you jerk the rest of the
day off?
Man, this is the best job ever!
And to think I almost took
that pop-up restaurant gig.
Hi, you hungry?!
(SCREAMS)
(DISTANT LAUGHTER AND CHEERING)
Check, check. Malia, check.
Obama, check. Check, check.
Malia Obama. All right,
that's a creepy mic check.
Let's just do a quick runthrough of
Little Brother.
# I want a little brother
(HARMONISING)
# On second thought
# I think I'd kill him dead
Can we just cut Brian's mic?
His humming sounds like my table's
ready at Chili's.
What the hell is your problem?
I'll tell you what my problem is.
I'm doing all the work and you're
just riding my coattails!
I'm just as big a part of this group
as you are.
Oh, really? You're writing about all
your authentic baby experiences?
You asked me to do this with you!
Why are you being such a dick?
Because I lost the baby!
What was that? I don't know, he saw
that in a movie or something.
Brian, this seems as good a time as
any.
I think it's time to talk about your
future with the band.
Are you serious? You're actually
kicking me out of the band?
Not at all. In fact, I think you and
I should kick Stewie out
and I'll take his place.
What?
BOY: Bring out the snakes!
Does he just come
to all of our shows?
So, you want to fire Stewie and be
Red Shirt, Blue Shirt with me?
Absolutely. You're the whole reason
the fans even like the band.
Kids love dogs.
Besides, we've both seen what
Stewie's become - an impossible diva.
Yeah, but he's my friend.
Yeah, well, your "friend" has been
talking about kicking YOU out of the
band.
Wait, what? He has?
And I don't know if you've considered
this,
but the clock is ticking
on Stewie's cuteness.
Huh, I guess you're right.
I wouldn't be surprised
if he ends up looking like an exact
mash-up of Lois and Peter.
(LAUGHS)
Groceries.
Hey, I had a thought about our
costumes for today's show.
I could wear a shirt
that's both red and blue
and you can do spin art
with all the wussy kids
who are afraid to go on rides.
Yeah? Well, how about this, Stewie -
you're fired.
Pardon? That's right. Olivia's
taking your place in the band.
You are looking at the new
Red Shirt, Blue Shirt.
What the dude? Oh, you know what?
"Deuce" was right.
Come on, Brian. You and I should
probably rehearse.
We've got a show in 20 minutes.
Fine, go ahead!
It's not going to be the same.
Like Cheers wasn't the same when
they brought in Kirstie Alley.
ALL: Norm!
No, I'm...I'm Rebecca.
Meg, do you know how
to use Microsoft Excel?
Yeah. I'm actually pretty good.
You would, dork!
But I do need to make that
spreadsheet or I'm fired.
Oh, my God! Peter, our dishwasher is
full of sex toys.
Oh, yeah, Chris put those in there.
It's for his job.
He's working for Quagmire now. He's
washing sex toys for Quagmire?
Not just that. He also takes pictures
of Quagmire's genitals
to track sore growth, so brace
yourself when you open iPhoto.
It's on the Griffin family account.
Peter, my parents have access to
that!
What's wrong with this worm?
And you knew about this?
How could you let him do this
disgusting stuff?
What? You're the one who wanted Chris
to get a job!
Yeah, like mowing lawns
or trimming bushes.
Oh, he's doing one of those.
That's it, I'm calling Quagmire
right now
and putting an end to this.
CHRIS: You have reached
Glenn Quagmire.
Neither he nor his assistant is
available.
To schedule a liaison, press one.
To cancel a liaison, press two.
If you're calling to
report a pregnancy,
please fill out our online form and
we will mail you a check for $180.
Thank you and have a giggity day.
(ANSWERMACHINE BEEPS)
Chris, this is your mother. Get
these dildos out of the dishwasher.
(WILD CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
# When everybody's gone to sleep
# And you've said, "Goodnight, moon."
# There's plenty of noise still
coming
# From Mommy and Daddy's room
# Daddy says, "Please,"
Mommy says, "No"
# Daddy says, "Come on,"
Mommy says, "Whoa"
# Daddy goes, "Uh!"
Mommy goes, "Ow!"
# Daddy says, "I'm done,"
Mommy goes, "Wow (!)"
# Daddy rolls over and falls asleep,
Mommy drinks wine in the dark #
(WILD CHEERING)
Thank you, Quahog!
That was great, they loved us.
Yeah, I guess, but did you see
what I saw?
That kid with the cane? Yeah, what do
you think is wrong with him?
No, Stewie was out there.
So?
So, we're singing a song HE wrote.
This whole thing was his idea.
Brian, don't mess this up.
We've got a good thing going.
I hate to tell you this, but I'm
afraid Red Shirt, Blue Shirt is
done.
I can't do this. I'm out.
I don't care. I don't need you.
I can get 100 dogs to fit that stupid
blue shirt.
You're a monster! Like Frankenstein
when he became a loan officer.
So, I'm looking for money
to open a small business.
We plan to sell antique lamps...
Hm...
..handmade blankets...
Hm!
..and pitchforks.
(YELLS ANGRILY)
Chris, there you are.
We need to talk.
What, are you walking a horse?
Did Quagmire get a horse?
Oh, no. Here we go...
I want a horse!
Peter, it's not a horse.
Chris, what the hell is that?
Oh, this is Mr Quagmire's
horse gimp.
What is a horse gimp? It's a sexual
fetishist who derives erotic
pleasure
from dressing in horse-themed
leather gear.
Want to see me feed him a carrot?
Absolutely not. Hell yes!
Chris, this is no job
for a teenage boy.
You have to quit right now.
I can't quit. I'm actually good at
this job.
Plus, I'm making decent money.
You could work at the pharmacy.
Quiet, Triscuit!
Ooh! Hook me to the plough!
Chris, I have $1,100 and a paint can
in the garage.
Just take that and we'll never speak
of this again. OK.
Great. Now let's all go home.
Well, that's what I get for horsing
around.
Ah, your joke wasn't funny enough.
Stewie.
Oh. Hello, Brian.
I'm here to apologise.
And to let you know I quit the band.
You did? Yes. It's nothing without
you. You WERE the band.
Those were your songs. And I'm sorry
if I let Olivia manipulate me.
(SIGHS) I guess she manipulated
both of us.
There's just something about her
flat chest and muscular legs.
Look, I never should have treated
you the way I did.
I suppose I didn't treat you so well
either.
So what do you say? Can we put this
all behind us and go back to the way
things were?
Of course we can. Hey, I wonder if
she's gonna keep the band going?
Probably. She told me she was just
going to replace me with another
dog.
Yes, but who? I don't know.
Probably some dog
neither you or I have ever met.
(CHEERING) All right, listen up,
you little pieces of garbage.
This song's about getting heartburn
from baked clams
and other kid stuff.
subtitles by Deluxe
.
# Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
# But where are those good
old-fashioned values
# On which we used to rely?
# Lucky there's a family guy
# Lucky there's a man who positively
can do
# All the things that make us
# Laugh and cry
# He's...a...family...guy! #
ANNOUNCER: We now return to the
extended director's cut
of Willy Wonka And The
Chocolate Factory.
Charlie, don't forget what happened
to the boy who got everything he ever
wanted.
What?
He lived happily ever after.
But he did have to earn it.
Hint, hint.
Do it, Charlie! I'm not going back
to that four-person bed.
Hell, I'll do it if you want!
No, it has to be a child!
What did he just say? Brian, this
does not seem appropriate
to watch in front of the baby.
"Not appropriate"? You took me to
see Magic Mike XXL.
Nope, this one's wet.
This one, too.
Also wet.
Huh, this one's dry,
but the back of the seat
in front of it is wet.
Let's put on something more
child-friendly.
Time to "Too-tooty-too"
with the Turtlenecks!
Oh, God, no. These guys are
horrible.
# Do you kazoo? I often do.
# When I am blue, I do kazoo
# Too-tooty-too!
# Goes my kazoo
# I will kazoo
# Hey, how about you? #
Urgh, all they're doing is
announcing that they play the kazoo
and then asking if others also play
the kazoo.
This doesn't seem so bad.
I mean, after all,
it's a song for babies.
But that's the thing, baby songs
never tackle real baby issues.
You know, like loud noises
or teething.
Or when Dad uses me
as a lumbar pillow.
Ow. Ow.
Ow. Ow. Ow.
This thing works better in the car.
Well, how could they
address baby issues?
Children's songs are
written by adults.
And dollars to donuts, WHITE adults.
I...I...who are you mad at, Brian?
(SCOFFS) How much time you got?
Not enough for that, but you're
right.
If you want a song a baby will like,
you've got to get a baby to write
it.
Call John Mayer.
He's a big fat baby.
I'll do it and you can help.
Well, I did write a musical
about Alexander Hamilton.
Not that one, but sure, I'm in.
Ooh, I'm excited!
This will be great.
And those guys back at the factory
can suck it.
I'm gonna get out of this place
one day.
Hey, Butch, get a load of Stewie.
He says he's gonna get out of here.
(BOTH LAUGH) You don't know me, man!
I'm different! I've got ideas!
Hey, Butch, you hear that.
Stewie's got ideas (!)
Shut up! I'm gonna go across that
river and make it to the city on the
other side.
I'm gonna be a singer.
Buble over here
says he's gonna be a singer. Hey,
Buble, I got a tune for you to sing.
It's called Get Your Ass Back On The
Forklift, Lunch Is Over.
Hey, Stewie. Don't listen to those
guys. Follow your heart.
Shut up, Butch, you're the loser of
this crew!
Guys, you hear that? Butch told me
to follow my heart!
(ALL LAUGH)
Dad, can I have 50 bucks for a
shamrock tattoo? It's time.
All right, but make sure you get it
where everyone can see.
Hold on, Peter. If Chris wants money
for something,
maybe it's time he got a part-time
job. He could mow lawns or babysit.
I can't work, I'm too young.
Will Smith's little kid
works as a movie star,
even though he looks like
a wet baby horse.
OK, I suppose I could get a job.
Or maybe my old job as the guy
racing through an airport
at the end of a romantic comedy.
Taxi! Taxi!
(BRAKES SCREECH)
Hey, are you crazy?
Crazy for love!
The most amazing girl I've ever met
leaves on a plane in five minutes!
Get in.
# CHUMBAWAMBA - Tub Thumping #
(BRAKES SCREECH)
(SIREN)
What the hell's going on?
This guy's in love.
Is she worth it?
She's a once-in-a-lifetime girl.
We'll give you an escort.
No charge.
TANNOY: Final boarding call for
Ashley's flight to stuffy New England
college. Final boarding.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, child!
What's the hurry?
The love of my life, that's what!
We got a code Romeo.
Repeat, code Romeo.
If you get there on time there's an
extra 50 in it for you.
I love this job!
Ashley, wait!
(PANTING)
I wouldn't miss this for all the
rush hour fares in Bigtown.
Chris! You came!
Oh, my God!
Let me get my grandma.
Chris?
Ashley! I love you!
(NOISY KISSING)
CROWD: Urgh!
Oh, you're groaning at ME?
You paid $19 to fly Spirit Air.
You get what you get!
All right, Brian, I've written a few
songs
all about stuff babies
actually care about.
No more rainbows and unicorns.
Real baby issues.
Right, like heartworm and parvo?
No, baby stuff.
Oh, oh, HUMAN babies.
I didn't...I didn't realise there
was an agenda.
Look, just pay attention.
# Mama liked to party when you were
in her belly
# Drinking, she did some
# Mama liked to party
when you were in her belly
# That's why you are dumb #
I call that Mama Like To Party
(Chris's Song).
Stewie, that's good.
Hey, can I write one?
We need as many as we can.
Our first gig is Saturday.
It's a birthday party.
Wow, already?
How'd you book a gig so fast?
Easy. I figured out the perfect way
to get the word out to middle-aged
moms.
Musical entertainment
available for parties.
Hey, where are you drinking that
Chardonnay?
Hey, Chris. How's the job hunt going?
Terrible. I can't find a job
anywhere.
A lot of people seem to be turned
off by my dishonourable discharge.
What, from the army?
No, it's a euphemism.
Oh, yucky. You guys, I need help
unloading the groceries.
My undiagnosed mom injury
is flaring up.
These little things of apple sauce
better not be for desserts.
WOMAN: Go to hell, Glenn Quagmire!
I'm sorry, but Mondays are Asian
only.
Why is your last name Wong?
It's my married name!
Now I see why you're here.
Geez, what was that about?
A little scheduling mix-up.
I'm just so busy I don't have any
time to organise my own life.
Wait a minute, what if you had
someone to help keep you organised?
Chris is looking for work,
maybe he can help you out.
Huh, maybe. You have any references?
Uh, "cowabunga", "schwing",
"yada yada yada."
Those are pretty good references.
You're hired.
Look at that, look at the cake.
"Happy birthday Charlie
and Uncle Craig."
And "Uncle Craig" is written in a
different colour.
Oh, poor Uncle Craig.
Hey, is that your ex-girlfriend,
Olivia?
God, what's she doing here?
She was always such a nightmare.
Olivia? Oh, my God! Do I look OK?
I hate this shirt
Switch shirts, switch shirts!
Stewie? I thought that was you.
Hey, Olivia, hey...
What brings you here?
The birthday boy and I met at Burt
Reynolds' acting camp in Jupiter,
Florida.
I'm glad to hear you're still
acting.
You know, the last time I saw you,
you were -
Burning in a cardboard house?
Burning in a cardboard house, yeah.
I don't know if you've heard,
but we are the entertainment.
Aw, that's good!
Good for you!
OK, great to see you.
Come on, Stewie, it's not about her.
It's about those six children
watching and the spazzy kid
who's just waiting for the snakes.
CHILD: Bring out the snakes!
It's a hot crowd. Have fun out there.
I'm gonna go feed everything in my
van to each other.
OK, kids, if everyone's done washing
their hands from the snakes,
we have some fun music -
NO CLIMBING ON THE BOAT!
OK, now please welcome
Red Shirt, Blue Shirt.
(APPLAUSE) All right,
we're Red Shirt, Blue Shirt
and here's a song we call
Mommy And Daddy's Room
and we think it's one you can all
relate to.
# When everybody's gone to sleep and
you've said, "Goodnight, moon"
# There's plenty of noise still
coming from Mommy and Daddy's room
# Oh, Daddy says, "Please",
Mommy says, "No",
# Daddy says, "Come on",
Mommy says, "Whoa"
# Daddy goes, "Uh!",
Mommy goes, "Ow!"
# Daddy says, "I'm done",
Mommy goes, "Wow (!)"
# Daddy rolls over and falls asleep,
Mommy drinks wine in the dark #
(CHEERING)
My God, did you hear 'em, Stewie?
We're a hit!
We got to go out and celebrate.
Oh, he can't go out with you tonight.
He's got a date with me.
Really? Awesome!
Brian, I can't go.
I'm not feeling well.
Stewie, I've been standing here
the whole time.
You know what? That's fine. I'll
just go have a dog-style celebration
by myself.
Yeah! Awesome time!
This is very fun for me!
Hey!
Oh, hey!
This is fun, right?
The best!
And me, too!
Great crowd, babe.
What...what is this?
Oh, Olivia's president
of our fan club.
She's also doing half the band.
Do you even know what that means?
Let's just say I couldn't toddle
right for a week.
OK, you don't. All right, if you'll
excuse me, I have a poo-poo diaper.
Mwah!
You really think this Olivia thing
is a good idea? Why wouldn't it be?
It just seems like it always ends
badly for you two.
And it can be tricky
working with an ex.
Look at Kermit and Miss Piggy.
How are you feeling, Miss Piggy? I
heard you called in sick yesterday.
I had a frog in my throat.
Right, Kermie?
Huh? Right?
Please stop drinking.
OK, Chris, I think you're gonna be a
great assistant.
Your paperwork prepares to be in
order but before you get started
do you own a pair of rubber boots
that you'd have to wear if you
worked on a fishing boat?
I don't think so. OK, I guess it'll
be a light day today
but tomorrow you should come wearing
those. OK, got it.
The first thing I need you to do
every morning is punch me in the
stomach cos I'm a bad person.
Is this a trick?
It's the furthest thing from a
trick. Go ahead.
And it should be pretty hard, I'm a
worse person than you think.
(GASPS) OK, that's really good.
Now I need you to call Time Warner
about my cable bill.
All right, this one is for all the
mommies out there.
This is what we're really saying
when we're crying.
# Please put some butt paste on my
button
# Butt paste on my button
# Smear it on my button
for the fire down below
# Oh, oh, oh,
butt paste on my button
# Butt paste on my button
# I need it on my button cos it
cools and quells me so #
# Stay away, stay away,
from the big kid in the baby swing #
# There's a little metal box
at the top of the stairs
# In the back of the closet
and a tiny little key
# That's hidden in the book
in the drawer with the socks
# And I know how to use it
to open up the box
# And that's where the gun is #
You know, I talk a lot of smack but
at the end of the day these guys are
pro's.
Even broken-arm coyote
with washboard.
Let's keep this party rolling.
I'll go get us another
badly-scratched plastic pitcher of
soda.
Finally, he's doing something useful.
What? What do you mean?
Nothing, it's just...
you write all the songs,
you've got a better voice,
you've got the sweet bod.
Oh, my God, babe!
Plus you've got all the cool
catchphrases like, "Damn you all!"
or, "What the dude?" or whatever.
It's "deuce",
but yeah, you're right, I do.
Does it sound through the mic
like I'm saying "dude"?
Should it be "dude"? Meanwhile,
everyone thinks Brian is the star of
the group.
Who thinks that? I don't know.
I'm just saying after every show
the fans are always petting Brian,
and not you.
No-one's allowed to pet me,
it's illegal.
I just hate to see Brian getting all
the attention that YOU deserve.
You should really watch your back.
It's hard to believe
Brian would betray me.
I mean, he was there for me
when I hit rock bottom.
See, Brian? THAT'S a rock bottom.
Thanks for being here for that.
Now get out of here, we're about to
drink some Chardonnay.
Chris, could you please get Hannah a
'thank you' basket and schedule her
next appointment?
I'd like to see her again in two
weeks. Of course.
Mr Quagmire can fit in you at 3:00 a
week from Thursday. That works.
And you know to fast the night
before.
Yep. And would you like to leave your
panties in the fishbowl for a chance
to win a free lunch?
Good luck! When are you gonna do
that drawing anyway?
Oh, there's no drawing.
I just like smelling the bowl.
You're doing a great job, Chris.
Why don't you jerk the rest of the
day off?
Man, this is the best job ever!
And to think I almost took
that pop-up restaurant gig.
Hi, you hungry?!
(SCREAMS)
(DISTANT LAUGHTER AND CHEERING)
Check, check. Malia, check.
Obama, check. Check, check.
Malia Obama. All right,
that's a creepy mic check.
Let's just do a quick runthrough of
Little Brother.
# I want a little brother
(HARMONISING)
# On second thought
# I think I'd kill him dead
Can we just cut Brian's mic?
His humming sounds like my table's
ready at Chili's.
What the hell is your problem?
I'll tell you what my problem is.
I'm doing all the work and you're
just riding my coattails!
I'm just as big a part of this group
as you are.
Oh, really? You're writing about all
your authentic baby experiences?
You asked me to do this with you!
Why are you being such a dick?
Because I lost the baby!
What was that? I don't know, he saw
that in a movie or something.
Brian, this seems as good a time as
any.
I think it's time to talk about your
future with the band.
Are you serious? You're actually
kicking me out of the band?
Not at all. In fact, I think you and
I should kick Stewie out
and I'll take his place.
What?
BOY: Bring out the snakes!
Does he just come
to all of our shows?
So, you want to fire Stewie and be
Red Shirt, Blue Shirt with me?
Absolutely. You're the whole reason
the fans even like the band.
Kids love dogs.
Besides, we've both seen what
Stewie's become - an impossible diva.
Yeah, but he's my friend.
Yeah, well, your "friend" has been
talking about kicking YOU out of the
band.
Wait, what? He has?
And I don't know if you've considered
this,
but the clock is ticking
on Stewie's cuteness.
Huh, I guess you're right.
I wouldn't be surprised
if he ends up looking like an exact
mash-up of Lois and Peter.
(LAUGHS)
Groceries.
Hey, I had a thought about our
costumes for today's show.
I could wear a shirt
that's both red and blue
and you can do spin art
with all the wussy kids
who are afraid to go on rides.
Yeah? Well, how about this, Stewie -
you're fired.
Pardon? That's right. Olivia's
taking your place in the band.
You are looking at the new
Red Shirt, Blue Shirt.
What the dude? Oh, you know what?
"Deuce" was right.
Come on, Brian. You and I should
probably rehearse.
We've got a show in 20 minutes.
Fine, go ahead!
It's not going to be the same.
Like Cheers wasn't the same when
they brought in Kirstie Alley.
ALL: Norm!
No, I'm...I'm Rebecca.
Meg, do you know how
to use Microsoft Excel?
Yeah. I'm actually pretty good.
You would, dork!
But I do need to make that
spreadsheet or I'm fired.
Oh, my God! Peter, our dishwasher is
full of sex toys.
Oh, yeah, Chris put those in there.
It's for his job.
He's working for Quagmire now. He's
washing sex toys for Quagmire?
Not just that. He also takes pictures
of Quagmire's genitals
to track sore growth, so brace
yourself when you open iPhoto.
It's on the Griffin family account.
Peter, my parents have access to
that!
What's wrong with this worm?
And you knew about this?
How could you let him do this
disgusting stuff?
What? You're the one who wanted Chris
to get a job!
Yeah, like mowing lawns
or trimming bushes.
Oh, he's doing one of those.
That's it, I'm calling Quagmire
right now
and putting an end to this.
CHRIS: You have reached
Glenn Quagmire.
Neither he nor his assistant is
available.
To schedule a liaison, press one.
To cancel a liaison, press two.
If you're calling to
report a pregnancy,
please fill out our online form and
we will mail you a check for $180.
Thank you and have a giggity day.
(ANSWERMACHINE BEEPS)
Chris, this is your mother. Get
these dildos out of the dishwasher.
(WILD CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
# When everybody's gone to sleep
# And you've said, "Goodnight, moon."
# There's plenty of noise still
coming
# From Mommy and Daddy's room
# Daddy says, "Please,"
Mommy says, "No"
# Daddy says, "Come on,"
Mommy says, "Whoa"
# Daddy goes, "Uh!"
Mommy goes, "Ow!"
# Daddy says, "I'm done,"
Mommy goes, "Wow (!)"
# Daddy rolls over and falls asleep,
Mommy drinks wine in the dark #
(WILD CHEERING)
Thank you, Quahog!
That was great, they loved us.
Yeah, I guess, but did you see
what I saw?
That kid with the cane? Yeah, what do
you think is wrong with him?
No, Stewie was out there.
So?
So, we're singing a song HE wrote.
This whole thing was his idea.
Brian, don't mess this up.
We've got a good thing going.
I hate to tell you this, but I'm
afraid Red Shirt, Blue Shirt is
done.
I can't do this. I'm out.
I don't care. I don't need you.
I can get 100 dogs to fit that stupid
blue shirt.
You're a monster! Like Frankenstein
when he became a loan officer.
So, I'm looking for money
to open a small business.
We plan to sell antique lamps...
Hm...
..handmade blankets...
Hm!
..and pitchforks.
(YELLS ANGRILY)
Chris, there you are.
We need to talk.
What, are you walking a horse?
Did Quagmire get a horse?
Oh, no. Here we go...
I want a horse!
Peter, it's not a horse.
Chris, what the hell is that?
Oh, this is Mr Quagmire's
horse gimp.
What is a horse gimp? It's a sexual
fetishist who derives erotic
pleasure
from dressing in horse-themed
leather gear.
Want to see me feed him a carrot?
Absolutely not. Hell yes!
Chris, this is no job
for a teenage boy.
You have to quit right now.
I can't quit. I'm actually good at
this job.
Plus, I'm making decent money.
You could work at the pharmacy.
Quiet, Triscuit!
Ooh! Hook me to the plough!
Chris, I have $1,100 and a paint can
in the garage.
Just take that and we'll never speak
of this again. OK.
Great. Now let's all go home.
Well, that's what I get for horsing
around.
Ah, your joke wasn't funny enough.
Stewie.
Oh. Hello, Brian.
I'm here to apologise.
And to let you know I quit the band.
You did? Yes. It's nothing without
you. You WERE the band.
Those were your songs. And I'm sorry
if I let Olivia manipulate me.
(SIGHS) I guess she manipulated
both of us.
There's just something about her
flat chest and muscular legs.
Look, I never should have treated
you the way I did.
I suppose I didn't treat you so well
either.
So what do you say? Can we put this
all behind us and go back to the way
things were?
Of course we can. Hey, I wonder if
she's gonna keep the band going?
Probably. She told me she was just
going to replace me with another
dog.
Yes, but who? I don't know.
Probably some dog
neither you or I have ever met.
(CHEERING) All right, listen up,
you little pieces of garbage.
This song's about getting heartburn
from baked clams
and other kid stuff.
subtitles by Deluxe
.