Family Guy (1998–…): Season 14, Episode 19 - Run, Chris, Run - full transcript

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

♪ Family Guy 14x19 ♪
Run, Chris, Run
Original Air Date on May 15, 2016

Well, Chris, looks
like another day



of nobody joining
us for lunch.

Yeah, we never
should've let

that blind girl
touch our faces.

(feedback squeals)

Attention, students.
This is Principal Shepherd

with the lunchtime
announcements.

And as a special treat,
I thought I'd deliver them

in the rapping style you kids
are so enthused about.

♪ Later today you're gonna
have a big thrill ♪

♪ 'Cause shortly after lunch
there'll be a fire drill ♪

♪ And when you go out
to wait for the bus ♪

♪ Mm, go in orderly fashion,
or your hair will get mussed. ♪

You suck.

No, you suck.



I can't hear you, I just presume

somebody must have yelled
"You suck."

Anyway, last announcement:

Don't forget it's time to vote
for homecoming king and queen.

Nominations are due
by 3:00 p.m. today.

Peace out.

No, you're a douche bag.

Wow. Can you imagine if one
of us was homecoming king?

Then people would want
to sit with us at lunch.

Yeah, you should run.

I'll nominate you.

You know what?
I'll do it.

Maybe I'll surprise everyone,

like when you find out
a buttoned-up librarian

is actually super sexy.

Excuse me, ma'am?

("Hot Blooded"
by Foreigner plays)

♪ Hot blooded... ♪

Yes?

There's a dead homeless man
blocking the card catalog.

Well, there goes Jerome,

loading the urinal up with ice.

Gonna go play me
my melting game.

Man, I'm starting to get drunk.

Is it even noon yet?

Uh, it's only 10:40.
10:40?

Ah, crap,
we gotta get out of here.

That's when Taco Bell throws all

the breakfast food
in the Dumpster.

Can't let that raccoon
get all of it.

Ooh, man, you're right.

You know,
this is great, guys.

Drinking and
eating garbage.

I'm glad we all took
a mental health day.

Hey, where'd everybody go?

I don't know where they went,

but someone's got
to pay this check.

Damn it. They left without me,
and now I'm stuck with the bill?

Man, who do those guys think
I am, Mark Zuckerbrothers?

Seems like they
do that a lot.

Tell you what,
this one's on me.

Thanks, Jerome.

Since there's
no one here,

do you mind
turning the TV up?

That little Lamisil guy
always makes me laugh.

(laughs)
Yeah.

What do you think he is,
like a Martian?

Like a little
shoe Martian?

I don't know.

I just hope he ain't
down there in my shoes.

No, he's loud.

If he were down there,
we'd know it.

I ain't got
no toenails nohow.

Hey, everybody,
guess what.

I'm running for
homecoming king!

You're what?

Yeah. Neil nominated me.

Why are you home
from school and Meg's not?

(gasps)
Has she taken a lover?

Well, the voting is tomorrow,
so I've got to write my speech.

Luckily, "Chris Griffin"
rhymes with "homecoming king,"

so I've got my opening line.

Oh, my God.

Did you see how
excited he is?

Yeah, isn't that great?

No, it's not great.

Chris is not
homecoming king material.

He doesn't have a
chance of winning.

We got to be at
that school tomorrow

to help pick up the
pieces when he loses.

(bell dings)

Oh, my Hot Pocket!

Ow, it's hot!

(horn honking)

Oh, that must be Jerome.

What the hell
is Jerome doing here?

We didn't order any drinks.

No, he and I got plans.

We're gonna go down
to Carver High School

and look at that mural
of black achievement.

Mm, they got a manila folder
taped over Dr. Cosby's face.

What? Cleveland,
you didn't tell us

you had plans with Jerome.

Some things are
my business.

You don't tell me when
you play with yourself.

Well, if you checked
my Twitter feed,

I wouldn't have to.

(applause)

And if you elect me,
I will be as good

a homecoming king
as a touchdown.

(applause)

And our final nominee

for homecoming king
is Chris Griffin.

(weak clapping)

(microphone feedback)

Thank you.

I'm Chris Griffin.

Webster's dictionary
defines "smegma" as

"a sebaceous,
cheese-like substance

around the head of the penis."

But what is a "king"?

Oh, God,
this is already hard to watch.

Like that Bourne movie where
they couldn't get Matt Damon.

We're facing a biochemical
attack of untold proportions.

Unfortunately,
Jason Bourne is not available.

Who have we got?

We have the sixth-billed
guy from The Avengers.

The arrow guy
who frowns a lot.

Uh, okay.

Does he look
like Bourne?

Yeah, yeah.

He sort of looks
like a young Popeye.

Well, sounds like he's
the right guy for this.

Yeah... yeah.

All right, students.
The votes have been tabulated,

so if you could all look up
from your phones for a minute,

I'll tell you who won.

Children.
A man is talking.

All right, I better
head down there.

I brought a bag
of marshmallows

and a belt for
Chris to bite on

during his meltdown.

And this year's James Woods High
homecoming king is...

Chris Griffin.

Yay!

(laughing):
Yay!

Holy crap!

I don't believe it.
Chris won!

All right, now it's time
for these four poor kids

to thank you for
subsidizing their lunches.

ALL:
Thank you.

Mean it.

ALL:
Thank you.

All right.

Time for my car nap.

Hey, hey, hey,
there he is!

The new king!

I already called
and quit my job.

Peter, he doesn't get money
for being homecoming king.

Does he get land?

No, of course not.

Does he get this joke?

"Shagadelic, baby!"

Austin Powers!

Oh, very good.
Very good, my liege.

Well, Chris, since
you're royalty now,

I made your favorites.

Dinner for breakfast?

That's right.

Pork chops
and French onion soup.

Oh, boy!

Well, as king,
I shall eat this breakfast

on a tray in front
of Wheel of Fortune.

I'll get the TV tray,
Your Majesty.

How does nobody see what's going
on with this Chris thing?

What are you talking about?

Well, it's obvious.

The only reason they
elected him king

is because they're gonna
prank him at homecoming.

Shut up, Hat.
That's my brother.

They're not gonna mess with him.
He's the man.

He's got real Griffin beef
in those trousers.

Meg, how can you be so sure?

Because this kind of stuff
happens all the time

to unpopular kids.

They're just trying
to embarrass him

and make him look stupid.

You don't really think
they're going to pull

a prank on Chris,
do you?

I don't know,
but if they are,

we got to get down to that
school and talk 'em out of it.

Good idea.

And luckily,
I'm great at connecting

with that generation.

Like when I went on that
campout with One Direction.

So they checked
into their hotel suite,

but the minibar
had no sparkling water.

Only still.

(all gasp)

Ah, stop. It's too scary.

Oh, but that's not all.

They looked
in the wardrobe

and discovered
that the stylist

had only brought
non-skinny jeans!

(all gasp)

Do mean like a
Levi's 513 skinny straight?

No. Just regular
pants that fit normal!

(all gasp)

That's not real, right?
Those aren't real?

Of course not, Louis.
It's-it's just a story.

Well, I guess that means
these aren't real!

(screaming)

Yeah, they're gonna die
in the woods.

Simon, are they tagged?

They're tagged, right?

Oh, they're tagged.
Good.

Simon, did I ever
tell you the one

about the
loose-fitting T-shirt?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no...

All right,
if we want Cleveland

to stop spending
all his time with Jerome,

we got to remind him
how much fun we are.

So let's just have fun.

How do we do that?

I don't know.

Little bit of this.

Okay.
That seems like fun.

What about one of these?

Yeah, sure.
There's no wrong moves.

What if I brush
my shoulders off?

Original ideas
are preferred, but sure.

Three fun guys,
room for four.

I don't know if
it's working, Peter.

I don't know
if it's fun.

It's more than fun,
it's "foon."

That's a fun way
to say "fun."

Hey, how foon would it be
if we waved sticks around?

I-I really don't know
what we're doing.

It's foon,
from the word before.

I don't see what's...
(yells)

All right, first,
let's take your blood pressure,

'cause that's-that's
like our favorite thing

to do around here.

Okay, we all know how much
Cleveland loves Tecmo Bowl,

so let's start playing.

I'm the Raiders.
I'm Bo Jackson.

And hopefully,
he'll show up.

That's no fair.
Bo Jackson's too fast.

Guys, do we want
Cleveland back or don't...

Uhp, here we go.

PETER (laughs):
Bye-bye.

QUAGMIRE:
See, Peter? He's too fast.

You got to tackle me.
It's "B."

You got to press "B."

I'm pressing "B." He's too fast.

Going over here.

Going over here now.

Never get tired.

JOE:
Change your guy, Quagmire.

Change your guy.

I'm trying.
Peter's cheating.

You're cheating, Peter.

I'm not cheating.
I'm following the rules.

I'm just really good.

You're not really good.
You just got Bo Jackson.

Bo Jackson also played
professional baseball.

Shut up, Joe.
Everybody knows that.

Kansas City.

Royals.

Can't stop.
Won't stop.

Bo... might...
go... all... the...

Nope, going back
the other way.

What? Are you going backwards?
Just score.

Nah, I'm gonna run
out the quarter.

I'm not playing now.
My controller's down.

(quietly): Seems like your controller's
been down the whole time.

Who's Veris?
You got to switch off Veris.

Get it to Ronnie Lott.

Pretty much anyone
but Veris.

Oh, no, I'm all the
way back here now.

I'm in my own end zone.
What am I doing?

Too bad I'm not
Bo Jackson.

Oh, wait. I am!

Ridiculous.

Oh, yeah.

There you go,
Quagmire.

You're about
to tackle me.

But then...

Damn it!

Less than a minute.

Shut up, Joe!

He's gonna do it.

He might do this.

I don't know, a
lot of football

still to be
played here.

I'm hitting reset.

Don't you dare
hit reset.

You hit reset, you're
banned for life.

I hate this.

Joe, do you want to play?

Nah, I like being
this guy.

A zig. A zag.
A touchdown!

Yeah!

♪ I won the game ♪

♪ And now I'm gonna jump ♪

♪ Bo Jackson! ♪

All right, if we want
to get Cleveland back,

we should just put out
his favorite snack:

an open can of tuna.

Often he'll come running
when he hears a can opening.

Peter, stop.

Yeah, I think it's
time we addressed

the elephant
in the room.

There's a simple reason

Cleveland is hanging out
with Jerome and not us.

Jerome is black
and we're not.

Yeah, I mean,
you can't blame him.

It's just a thing
they have in common.

Something they can bond over.

Well, I guess
that makes sense.

I suppose people do want
to be with their own kind.

Like the audience at a
Decemberists concert.

Good evening,
white guys who weigh less

than their girlfriends.

(cheering)

(indistinct chatter)

God, a lot
of gym teacher

suicide memorials
in this place.

All right, let's find
the coolest kids here,

and see if they know anything
about a prank on Chris.

Those chicks in the
skirts look pretty cool.

Hey there.
Brian Rockwell.

This is my friend,
Stewie Goldberg.

What?

I don't know my way
around the school,

so I figured I'd get the deets

from a couple of seniors.

Download me.

Brian-- it's not
Goldberg, by the way--

we should ask
about the prank.

I'm earning their trust.

Hey, uh, I'm new here,

but you know what'd be crazy?

If me, a guy,

went in the girls' room
with you two.

(laughing): I mean, that would be,
that would be so wild.

We should, we should
totally just go in there.

Brian, stop.

That'd be hilarious.

I'm in.

Stewie, go wait
in the car.

No, we are here to get
information about Chris.

I said, go wait
in the (bleep) car.

They had security guards
in the bathroom.

We-we live in such
a culture of fear now.

(knocking)

Hey, guys, what are
you doing here?

And why are you
dressed like that?

Well, we realized you like
hanging out with Jerome

because he's black,

so we wanted you to know
we can be black guys, too.

Yeah, in fact, we can even
be famous movie black guys.

I'm Bagger Vance.

I also am
Bagger Vance.

I'm Kazaam from Kazaam.

You really think
I'm only hanging out

with Jerome 'cause he's black?

I hang out with Jerome because,
unlike some people,

he actually takes
an interest in my life.

And he would never
stick me with the bill

by walking out
on me at the Clam.

Well, we could have come over
and graciously apologized,

but we took a chance.

That's what I like about us.

Sucks we didn't find
out what kind of prank

they're gonna
pull on Chris.

I know that book
is The Hunger Games

with the cover taken off.

Oh, look, something on TV.

And finally, tonight, a moving
story from James Woods High,

where the student body has made
their homecoming a special event

for a very special boy.

And this year's James Woods High

homecoming king is
Chris Griffin.

Yay!

(laughing):
Yay!

TOM:
That's right. Chris Griffin,

a tubby spaz
with a heart full of dreams,

gets to feel normal for a night,

thanks to the kindness
of his peers.

BOTH:
Oh.

I just see him
walking around

with his hands down
his pants all day,

and he's just so
fat and weird,

so we feel bad.

Yeah, last year we did the burnt
up kid, so this was a slam dunk.

Oh, my God, they just
elected him out of pity,

because they think he's
mentally challenged.

Kind of like we did
with George W. Bush.

(chuckling):
Huh? Right?

(sighs) I-I guess.
I guess, Brian.

I-I don't--
I don't know.

Let's-let's just watch
some commercials.

Well, that explains it.

The only reason Chris
is homecoming king

is that all the other
kids feel sorry for him.

Do you think he knows?

I can't imagine.

And we can't tell him.

It would destroy him.

(imitating trumpet fanfare)

Look away!

No one may meet
the king's gaze.

So, uh, hey,

congratulations
again on that, uh,

homecoming thing.

Why congratulate
me on a right

and natural
turn of events?

Now, if you'll
excuse me,

I shall select
three things

from Stewie's room
that I wish to be mine.

There's a book in there
on how to eat healthy.

Why don't you take that,
you fat bitch?

Well, he obviously doesn't
know it's just a pity vote.

In fact, this whole
homecoming king thing

seems to have just gone
straight to his head.

I know, he's acting like
an arrogant jerk.

Quiet, Rupert!

It is an honor to serve
the king in this manner.

Brian, this can't go on.

Chris is out of control.

He's even more arrogant
than an actor/writer/director.

Well, my script is brilliant,
and I'm a great director.

The question is,
how bad do I want this part?

(crying):
Okay, I'll do it.

Well, now we know.

Neither of us
likes crepes.

See, that's another thing
we got in common.

In fact, you want
to hear something crazy?

Peter and the fellas think that
you and I only hang out together

because we're both black.

Uh-huh.

But I told them
that's insulting.

Why is that insulting?

People like to be
with their own.

I mean, you don't think I
hang out with you because

of your endless stories about
working your remote control

or your fat son or how you once
made a dog shake its head "no"?

I manipulated the
cheeseburger what like this.

You boring, man.

But you're black,
so we cool.

That's racist.
I'm offended.

Whatever.

I'll see you around,
Cleveland.

Man, I guess this whole
friendship was a bad idea.

Just like Goodyear's
advertising strategy.

All right, we have $14 million
to play with.

I say we spend it all on blimps,

'cause who do we want to reach?

Drivers.

And where are people looking
when they're driving a car?

Straight up.

Squire, my chamber pot
needs emptying.

What's he talking about?

He's been pooping
in the waffle iron.

Just plug it in
and close it.

It'll burn off.

Look, Chris.

You know, being
homecoming king

doesn't mean you can
just start acting crazy.

I can do whatever I want.

I've been acknowledged
by my peers as their superior.

You're just jealous 'cause
you've never done anything

that deserves
being elected king.

Okay, you want
to know the truth?

They only picked you
because they felt sorry for you.

Sorry?

Why would they
feel sorry for me?

Well, because they all think
you're a, um, you know,

"groundskeeper at a public
institution" kind of guy.

A what?

A dope.
An idiot. A water head.

You guys don't know
what you're talking about.

Tonight, when they put
that crown on my head,

it's gonna be the
greatest night of my life.

Even better than when
I had my first kiss.

(phone buzzes)

("True" by Spandau Ballet
playing)

I say, we were a
little hard on Chris,

but I'm glad we came.

He's still my brother.

Hey, look, there's
the security guard

that threw me out
of the bathroom earlier.

And he's here
with his wife.

This is like
a date for them.

Good evening,
fingerers and fingerees.

Sorry,
I had a little rum in the car.

Anyway, please welcome your
homecoming king, Chris Griffin.

(applause)

Good evening, subjects.

The boys' showers shall run red
with the blood of my enemies.

We believe in you!

Good for you, Chris!

No one clap too loud.

We don't want
to frighten him.

Wait a minute.

And now your queen,

prom night car crash victim

Kathleen Fitzpatrick.

ALL:
Aw.

We miss you, Kathleen!

You're heaven's queen now!

BRIAN:
Wow, she was hot.

The queen is a dead girl?

What does that make me?

(gasps)
Brian and Stewie were right.

This was a pity vote.

We love you, Chris!

You love me?

You don't even know
anything about me.

You just voted for me
to make yourselves feel better.

She was on PCP that night,
you idiots!

Chris, I-I'm so sorry.

That's okay.

You guys tried
to warn me.

I'm sorry I was
such a jerk.

Ah, don't worry about it.

Are you okay?

You know what?
I am.

I may not be king,

but I learned
I don't need anyone's pity.

That's the spirit, Chris.

And, hey, you're not
the homecoming king,

but you'll always
be my brother.

Thanks, Stewie.

It means a lot
to me to know

I've always got my family
looking out for me.

Oh, hey, Chris.

This is Tyler.

Don't make this weird now.

(laughs)
Oh, what a gentleman.

Well, Cleveland, it's good
to have you back, buddy.

It's good to be back.

Hanging with Jerome was fun,

but my best friends are
right here in this room.

Hey, to celebrate,
how about we play a little

old-school Double Dribble?

Okay, but no stupid-ass
shots from the corner,

because that's a glitch
in the software and...

Game on!

All right, bring it up the
court, and corner three!

CLEVELAND: No, no. That's what
I'm talking about!

Steal.

Uhp, corner three.

All right, here we go.

I got something cooking.

Uhp, you dropped
something.

Think I'll head over
in this direction.

Corner three!

JOE: It's a rout.
It's a blowout.

It's some bullcrap.

Couple nice passes
there... hey!

PETER:
See? Competitive ball game.

What should I do?

Pass and then go up?

And corner three!

All right, enough
of this mess.

QUAGMIRE: Shoot it!
Shoot it from there.

JOE:
The refs are lettin' 'em play.

I do appreciate that.

CLEVELAND: Yeah, that's what
I'm talkin' about.

Now I'm playing
for reals.

PETER: Yeah, you're
doing pretty good.

What play
should I call now?

Maybe... corner three!

JOE:
He's hot. He is hot.

Keep feeding that guy.

PETER: Hi, nice to meet you.
Can I have that?

Hang out over here
for a second.

Corner three!

JOE: You got to get
out there, Cleveland.

I'm trying.

He's taking advantage
of poor technology.

PETER:
Oh, lot of dribbling. Swipe.

Here we... aw,
I hit the wrong button.

I think you all know I was
going for a corner three.