Family Guy (1998–…): Season 14, Episode 18 - The New Adventures of Old Tom - full transcript

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

♪ Family Guy 14x18 ♪
The New Adventures of Old Tom
Original Air Date on May 8,

ANNOUNCER: We now return
to The Price is Right,



now with male models.

Let's look at this beautiful
new car, presented by Ken.

♪ ♪

I don't want it.

Peter, what the hell
happened to my underwear?

They're all stretched out.

Oh, sorry about that.

Me and the guys
were using them

to shoot crab apples
at Old Man McCratchen's truck.

We don't want
raisins on Halloween,

we want candy!

Hey, Quagmire, aren't you
gonna get in on this?

I, uh, kind of got my own
game going on over here.

All right, I'm off to
get more underwear.



We'll meet back
here at 2:00.

Chris, do you
remember your job?

To try and get my shoes
sucked into the escalator

so we can sue the mall.

That's right, sweetie.

I heard they're paying
50 grand a toe now.

(train whistle blows)

Ah, the train.

Now that was
the way to travel.

You remember that, Chris?

Not at all.

When did we go
and get ourselves

in such a big damn hurry?

Hi, uh, I'll take two tickets
for the Ladybug Express, please.

Sorry, the train is
just for children.

Well, what about
that guy in the front?

He's a grown-up.

He's the conductor.

I don't see no orchestra.

That's a different
kind of conductor.

Okay, well,
if he's the conductor,

why don't he have
electrical tape

wrapped around
him for safety?

Also, a different
kind of conductor.

All right, thanks for
joking around with me.

We're gonna go check out
the rest of the mall.

So, I'm thinking
about getting

my ears pierced,
you know, big black gauges.

Then, I can just work
at a bike shop forever.

Take the pressure off.

That's a terrible idea.

'Cause my lobes
are so nice,

I know, that's what
everybody says.

Wow, check it out.

Biracial slam piece,
dead ahead.

What's going on
with you, man?

That's a human being.

Sorry, sorry,

my buddy sent me a
bunch of Romanian porn,

and now every girl
I look at I imagine

throwing onto a table.

Yeah, that wasn't really
the backpedal I expected.

Excuse me, uh, Shelby?

Hi, I'm Brian.

Hey, I bet lots
of millionaires

come in here and hit on
you all the time, huh?

(chuckles)
Do we?

Do we-do we do that a lot?

Yeah, I guess it
happens sometimes.

Did you want to
look at something?

Already am.

Hey, can I try that on?

Good taste.

That's our nicest
men's ring.

Uh, better see if it'll
come off when I ski Aspen.

Yeah, yeah,
that works, that works.

I know I'm a nerd,
but I have, like,

a thing for rich guys.

I'll take the ring,

and I'll take your number.

Here you go.

Call me.

What the hell
are you doing?

That ring is $10,000.

Relax, Stewie.

All I have to do
is bring the ring back

when she's not working.

I'll get a refund
and she'll never know.

It's a perfect scam,
like Teddy Roosevelt

getting to be
on Mount Rushmore.

I won the
Revolutionary War.

I won the Civil War.

I gained possession of Guam!

(dramatic action music
playing on video game)

There you are.

We were supposed
to meet an hour ago.

Yeah, I'm almost done.

I'm playing a really cool
new video game.

Michael Douglas's Munch Out.

Nah...

Nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom.

Come on, Peter.

It's time to go home.

Not now, Lois.

I'm making ladies feel good.

Peter, I've been
on my feet all day.

Let's go.

I'd stop, but
Catherine Zeta Jones' big hands

are on the back of my head.

You know what?
Forget this.

We're leaving.

You find your
own way home.

(video game beeps)

What?
Throat cancer?

But all I did was drink Scotch,
smoke cigars, and this.

All right, we can go, Lois.

Lois?

Mort?!

Oh, hey, how do you
like my blowout?

I'm pulling down so
much chotch, it's insane.

I don't... I-I'm... Yuck.

Lois?

Oh, no!

I'm alone and lost in the mall!

I haven't been this scared
since the silence of the lamb.

Hey, um...

let's move in together.

Say something!

...and I turned around,
and I don't know

what happened to my wife,
and now I'm all alone

and I'm just so scared.

Okay.

Do you want to go
look for your wife,

or you want me to
finish the makeover?

I guess we might
as well finish up here.

When I find her,
I want her to go, "Wow."

Lois?

Lois!

MAN:
Lois!

Lois!

Is your wife named Lois, too?

No, but I figured if
she's banging a guy like you,

I got a shot.

Lois!

Hey, what're you-- Lois!

Lois!

Lois!

W-wait, hang on
a second, Shelby,

I can't hear
you over my brokers.

Buy! Sell!

Buy! Buy!

SHELBY:
Wow, buying and selling?

Yeah, yeah.

Well, I'll see you Saturday.

I better go;
my helicopter's here.

Fa-doo, fa-doo,
fa-doo, fa-doo, fa-doo.

Are you still--

by the way, you have no idea

what a helicopter sounds like--

are you still keeping
up this charade?

Yeah, but it's perfect.

Shelby's already off work,

so I'll just grab the ring

and we can bring it back
before they close.

Huh, I know I left
the ring right here.

If you're referring to the ring

that I thought was a lug nut,
I ate it.

What?!

Why would you eat a lug nut?

I was dared.
By who?!

By myself.

I have low self-esteem.

We should check in
on this guy more.

Oh, my God,
this can't be happening!

Chris, that was a diamond ring!

Do you know how expensive
that was?!

I'm sorry, Brian!

But don't worry, it'll come out
of my body sooner or later.

He's right.

I ate a dime once.

It became a manhole cover
for, like, three days,

but then, pow!

Okay, yeah, yeah,
we just-we just got to force

Chris to poop, that's all.

Yay! Like at a sleep-over!

I love you.

You're loved.

MALE ANNOUNCER:
Attention: the Quahog Mall

will be closing
in five minutes.

Well, I've looked everywhere.

Maybe she left.

Paul Blart, if you're out there,
I could sure use a miracle.

(magical chords play)

(train whistle blows)

Choo-choo!

All aboard the Ladybug Express!

But be careful, Peter.

If this train slows to less
than 50 miles an hour,

then Sandra Bullock
has to marry a neo-Nazi

and act like
she didn't know about it,

and then overcompensate
by adopting a black kid.

Aah! Help!

(screaming)

Holy crap!

(screams)

(Peter screaming)

Wait! Don't close the mall!

Like an actual Amtrak train,

this is dangerously
out of control!

That's legally defensible,
by the way.

On your screen is a list
of actual rail disasters.

♪ A chug-a chug-a motion like
a railroad train, now ♪

♪ Come on baby,
do the Loco-motion! ♪

Good morning, I'm Tom Tucker.

Coming up, the secret
to remaining upbeat

after getting
an elderly waitress.

But we begin with breaking news
from the Quahog Mall,

where a local fat man was stuck
overnight on a child's train.

We now go live
to the newest member

of the Channel Five news team,
Dallas Portland.

Thanks, Tom.

Yes, quite an ordeal

for Quahog's Peter Griffin.

So, Mr. Griffin, you were going
around in circles for 12 hours.

Are you suffering
any ill effects

from the centrifugal force?

The wind on my skin
is like "knifes."

(phone keys beeping)

Oh, my God, Bonnie,

are you watching
the news right now?

Yes, I'm so sorry
about Peter.

Oh, I'm sure he'll be fine.

But did you see that
sweet, new piece of ass,

Dallas Portland?

Oh, I don't know.

Why don't you ask my
index and middle finger?

I thought this
was a recovery day.

No days off, bro.

Peter, move,
we need the TV.

Is this...
is this a coven?

No, we're watching the news.

Now get out of the way.

We had a bottle of wine
and a joint at Bonnie's house,

and we want to watch
Dallas Portland

before the buzz wears off.

You chicken-heads
are out of control.

Yoga for men?

Yes, says the
inventor of Bro-ga.

I'm here in his studio
above the Petco to see

if I want to "nama-stay"
for the whole class.

(women laughing)

I guess he's handsome and funny.

Oh, feel like I'm cheating
on Tom Bergeron.

That's who you're
all excited about?

That chiseled Adonis
with eyes the color

of summer's first
blueberry?

I don't know
about none of that,

but look at that bulge
in his shorts.

I've never seen a bulge

in the front of
a man's pants before.

You see that, Peter?

That's the right amount
of leg hair.

My leg hair's fine.

I have what they call,
"The Irish Wisp."

Why are we at a
health food store?

Well, we got to get
that ring out of you,

and this is a place
where people buy

disgusting cereals
to help them poop.

Well, which one
should we buy?

I don't know, let's ask.

Are there any gray-haired
lesbian art teachers

who can help us select
a fiber cereal?

This won't take long,

we know your large dogs
are tied up outside.

(women chattering)

There's too many of them!

We've got to start a chant

so they'll file out
into the street!

All sex is rape!
All sex is rape!

PROTESTORS: All sex is rape!
All sex is rape!

When I first joined this cause,

I was just trying
to get this guy to poop,

but now we're this close
to getting sex outlawed

in the United States.

(crowd cheers)

So, Peter, where are
your boyfriends tonight?

I don't know.
Where are yours?

What the (bleep)
did you just say?!

I'm-I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
I'm sor... I-I'm just...

I'm not myself tonight.

Lois and all
of her friends

are drooling over
that new news guy.

That Dallas Portland's a jerk.

TOM:
Don't even say that name.

Tom Tucker?!

What are you doing here?

Getting out of that wind storm

that screwed up my hair
and loosened my tie,

but also trying to forget

how mad I am at Dallas Portland.

You and me both, pal.

That Dallas guy sucks.

Why, what's your
problem with him?

Eh, my wife's been creaming
her spinach over him.

Yeah, tell me about it.

Since he arrived,
our ratings have skyrocketed.

They're grooming Dallas,
which means I'm on my way out.

What?

We can't let that happen.

If that guy becomes the anchor,
every night is gonna be...

Hey!

Sorry, I still get a little
dizzy from the train,

but if Dallas Portland's
on TV every night,

my life's gonna be
a living hell.

You and me both.

Without the news, I...
I don't know who I am...

but what can you do?

He's the flavor of the month.

But wait a minute,
maybe if we work together,

we can solve both our problems.

What do you mean?

Well, if he's
the hot, young thing

and everybody loves him,
all we got to do is make you

hotter and
younger and thing-er!

And then they
won't need him.

Well, how we supposed
to do that?

Just trust me.

When I set my mind to something,
anything's possible.

That's how I got
myself on The Voice.

(crying):
I'm doing this for my mother,

who taught me to sing
when I was only seven.

She was my biggest inspiration,
and she was...

taken from me when I was 12...

in a fatal car accident.

She was my rock...
my beacon...

and this one...

(sniffs)

this one's for her.

♪ So, tell me what you want,
what you really, really want ♪

♪ I'll tell you want I want,
what I really, really want... ♪

All right, Tom, if you
want to be young these days,

you gotta do a wicked
awesome GoPro skate video.

("Sabotage" by
Beastie Boys plays)

♪ ♪

♪ I can't stand it ♪

♪ I know you planned it ♪

♪ I'm-a set it straight,
this Watergate ♪

♪ I can't stand rocking
when I'm in here ♪

♪ Because your crystal ball
ain't so crystal clear ♪

♪ So while you sit back
and wonder why ♪

♪ I got this ...
thorn in my side ♪

♪ Oh, my God, it's a mirage ♪

♪ I'm tellin' y'all
it's sabotage... ♪

(Peter screaming)

(sniffs)

(roars)
(screams)

MALE ANNOUNCER: Bear Scares,

Latvia's number-one
bear prank show.

Now available in region 3 DVD.

All right, Chris, nothing's
gotten that ring out yet.

That's why we brought
you to this fast-food

roast beef restaurant.

Uh, yeah, I'll take
the Angus steak melt.

I'm sorry, are you here
to poop something out?

Yes.

Okay, this line is just
for regular diners.

You need to get
in that line.

Excuse me, is this the line
for people who need

to puke something up?

I think this is
just the poop line.

Cheers.

You know what restaurant
we're talking about.

Ah, almost time
for the news.

Mind if I join you?

I thought you
hated the news.

Developing story:
I like it now.

(laughing)

Okay.

Good evening, Quahog,
I'm Dallas Portland.

And I'm T-Homie...

with the news
in your mouth!

What the hell's he doing?

He's crushing it.

Okay, Tom, uh,
our top story tonight:

a burst water pipe
in the pediatric unit

of Quahog General
results in the tragic

drowning deaths
of four children and one nurse.

News bomb! (laughs)

I know what you're
thinking, right?

"He's so random."

Boy, I never realized

how young and hip
Tom Tucker is.

Dallas Portland should just
pack it up and go home.

What are you talking about?

Wait, wait, quiet, quiet.

Tom's about to tattoo
the word, "Coachella"

on the bridge of his nose.

Is that a thing?

Uh, I don't know, Grandma,
sit back and wa--

(squishing)
(both screaming)

He got his eye!
Oh, God!

What's wrong
with you, Dallas?

Never seen a guy so
young and cool before?

(coughs)

Tumblr!

I've just received
some breaking news.

Channel Five News anchor
Tom Tucker has been relieved

of his duties,
effective immediately.

Holy crap! They fired him?

Oh, my God!

Oh, well, now
back to my life.

(whistling)

(growling)

(screams)

MALE ANNOUNCER: Bear Scares

will be back after message

from state-run industry.

is only place
to get your shirt.

Peter, you were
the one who told

Tom Tucker to try
all that nonsense on TV?

You realize you cost
that man his job.

Well, how was
I supposed to know?

Katie Couric went on TV
and stuck a tube up her butt

and they threw her a parade.

That was a colonoscopy!

This is kind of
your fault, you know.

I mean, you're the
one who was drooling

over that Dallas Portland.

I was just trying to get
that guy off the air.

Peter, that's ridiculous.

He's just some pretty boy
who doesn't mean anything.

It's like when you watch
Mad Men for that chick

you said was like a fat me.

I said a young, fat you.

The point is,
you've ruined that man's life.

(sighs)
You're right.

Poor Tom.

Thanks to me,
he's fallen even

further than Charlie Rose.

Today on CBS This Morning,
we'll be talking about

how much sleep you need
to not be drunk

from the night before.

That's not what
we're talking about.

That's what I'm
talking about.

I don't know
what else to do.

We've tried everything.

Brian, the jeweler
closes at 6:00.

You don't have much time left
to return that ring.

You're right.

Well, we have no choice.

We'll just have to take
a bumpy ride to the mall

and hope for a miracle.

You know, Brian,
this wouldn't have happened

if you were just
honest with women

and had an ounce
of integrity.

Don't pull rank on me.

You ate a ring,
you worthless tub of crap.

Yeah?

Well, who's gonna be
fishing through

a tub of crap soon,
you unemployed buttmunch?

Whoa, whoa,
let's calm down, guys.

Shut up,
you unemployed buttmunch!

Okay, he found
a burn he likes.

What the hell do you want?

I'm here to say...

I'm sorry about
what happened.

Let me make it up to you.

I'm the one who made
you lose your job.

I'll find you a new one.

Don't bother.

I'm washed up.

Everyone saw what I did,
and besides, I...

I can't do anything else.

I was born to be a newsman.

This just out: me!

That-that happened?

Is that for real?

That's nuts, but still,

I-I want to help you
get back on your feet.

Go home, Peter.

You've already done enough.

Thanks to you,
it's over for me,

like Billy Zane.

Billy, you're through.

You haven't done
anything in ten years.

Yes, I have.

I was in those electronic
cigarette commercials.

That was Stephen Dorff.

Aw.

How we doing on time?
Less than a minute.

How you feeling, Chris?

No different, except I have
to poop from all this running.

What? That's great!

There's a bathroom
down that hall!

No time!
They're closing the gate!

(suspenseful
action music playing)

BRIAN:
Hey, Shelby.

SHELBY:
Brian?

CHRIS (groaning):
It's coming!

(splat)
SHELBY: Oh, my God!

BRIAN: Yes, um, I'd like to make
a return, please...

and maybe take you to dinner?

SHELBY: Brian, I don't care
that I was diarrhea'd on.

I care that you weren't honest.

STEWIE: I care that
I was diarrhea'd on.

I care a great deal.

Sorry I let you down, Tom.

Oh, my God, look!

Up on the roof!

Holy crap!

Doritos Tacos is only
for a limited time?

And oh, no!

Tom Tucker's gonna jump!

(sirens wailing)

Tom, I got here as
fast as I could.

So-so, what's-what's
going on?

It's over for me, Peter.

If I can't anchor
the local news,

I have no reason to live.

Look, Tom, Tom, before
you do anything crazy,

you should know one thing:

I have that exact
same bathrobe.

Hey, Tom, the camera's
gonna be on you in a second.

Before you jump,
could you just hand me

this microphone, like you're
passing me the torch?

What the hell
are you doing here?

What am I doing?

Getting an interview
with a crazed jumper

on the brink of suicide.

This is huge.

Wait a second.

You heard wrong, Dallas.

There's a jumper here,
but it ain't Tom.

It's me.
What?!

That's right.

Tom was just trying
to talk me down,

and if there's
a news story here,

the only one I'm giving
it to is Tom Tucker.

Here.

Roll it.

Good evening, Quahog.

This is Tom Tucker
atop a roof,

where a local crazy person
is preparing to end it all.

Bonnie!

Tom Tucker's back on the news!

Oh, here you are.

Tom Tucker's back...

I know.

Honey, I'm back on TV.

No, Billy,
that's Tom Tucker.

Aw.

What's going on?

Don't worry about it,
just get those pants off.

Oh, your hair is amazing.

Tell us, crazy person,
why are you doing all this?

I'll tell you why.

I'm doing this because
I ruined a guy's life...

and I feel awful about it.

It's the only thing I can think
of to make things right.

Well, whoever this guy is,
I'm sure he appreciates

what you're trying
to do for him.

I think I speak for all
our viewers when I say,

don't do this.

Please.

Come down off
this ledge with me.

You got it.

If that's what the most trusted
newsman in Quahog wants.

Aah! Pigeon!

(Tom yells)

(Tom thuds, groans)

It's fine.

He landed on people.

Well, I'm glad your
crazy stunt worked out

and Tom Tucker is back
at Channel Five.

Yeah, apparently,

when he interviewed me
up on that roof,

the ratings were so huge,
they made him anchor again.

That's great
to hear, because...

MAN (distant):
Lois! Lois!

I-Is somebody
calling my name?

Lois!

I don't think so, no.

Lois, I'm rich!

Now I think I do
hear something.

I should probably
go see what he wants.

I know I'm a nerd, but I have,
like, a thing for rich guys.

Oh, boy, she's getting
in his helicopter.

Fa-doo, fa-doo,
fa-doo, fa-doo,

fa-doo, fa-doo,
fa-doo, fa-doo, fa-doo...

Well, I'm big enough
to admit when I'm wrong.

(jazzy instrumental version
of theme song playing)