Family Guy (1998–…): Season 14, Episode 17 - Take a Letter - full transcript

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

♪ Family Guy 14x17 ♪
Take a Letter
Original Air Date on April 17, 2016

Peter, we got to talk.



Ugh.

I'm concerned about
Stewie's preschool.

Look what they're serving
at snack time.

Is-is that...?

It's dog milk.

They're serving dog
milk to our children.

Aw, sweet, dilk.

I don't want Stewie
in that school anymore.

It seems like it's
really gone downhill.

She's not wrong to worry.

There's a sign
in the bathroom that says,

"If it's brown, let it mellow."

Sometimes it crests
the toilet lid.

Peter, I think we should
send Stewie to Corridors.



I know it's
a little pricey,

but it's the best
preschool in the area.

Really? Is that the one
where they make 'em dress

in the little shorts and hats
like the guy in AC/DC?

Yeah, why does he
wear that outfit?

'Cause he rocks.

♪ ♪

When I picked this,

I didn't know I'd have
to wear it when I'm 60!

I'm very cold!

You know what seems
like a lie to me?

A Forever stamp that says
"Love" on it.

Oh, you want to
go ahead of me?

Hey, how are you?

You know what seems
like a lie to me?

I can help the fourth
person in line.

One, two, three... yes!

Cleveland,
you work here?

Yup, finally landed
myself a job.

Hey, what can
Brown do for you?

(laughs)

That's our
competitor, though.

I'm not supposed
to say that.

It's grounds for dismissal
if anyone ever got fired here,

but they don't.

Well, good for you.

Oh, could I get a
return receipt for this?

It's Stewie's registration
form for his new school.

Lil' Papa Stew-Stew's
off to college?

No, just preschool.

He's very young.

Can you just charge me
my weirdly uneven price

so I can be done?

All right, that's $2.16.

$4.37 if you want to
send it the priority.

Oh, no, we got to start
saving our pennies

now that we're sending
Stewie to a new school.

I'm actually doing some
job hunting after this.

SEAMUS:
Let's go up there!

You know, Lois,
the post office is hiring.

Really?

Oh, wow, that'd be great.

Yeah, I'd be happy to
get you an interview,

and as a white woman,
you'd be a minority here,

unless you're an alcoholic.

Wow, this place
is really fancy.

Their Flat Stanley is
actually award-winning actor

Stanley Tucci.

Sometimes I wear glasses
and sometimes I don't.

Hi, I'm Chadley.

I've been kidnapped
three times

because I come
from money.

Oh, yes, I've heard
about your family.

You've had two older
brothers die of drugs?

That's right.

Stewie, what would you say

to a playdate at
my house tomorrow?

That sounds delightful.

My word, it feels so good
to finally be where I belong.

Like Judd Hirsch at
the gigantic sweater store.

Hi, uh, all five of us
are Judd Hirsch.

Do you have a sweater big
enough to fit all of us?

Okay, everybody climb in.

Ah, I can't wait
to spill soup on this.

Okay, Judds, shamble away.

Good having
you aboard, Lois.

Let me show you around.

That guy right there?

Larry.

Okay, got it.

A-And what's this giant,

(echoing):
empty,

football-stadium-sized room?

Oh, the post office
anticipates

that within the
next five years

at least 200 million men
in this country will be

ordering and
receiving RealDolls.

Every man will have seven
to nine RealDolls.

Asians, blonde
Southern girls,

blonde Asians
capable of performing

every possible sexual act,

or at least
incapable of refusing.

You can put one
in your car

and drive in the car pool
lane with it and then

maybe you push her head down,
thus defeating the purpose

of the car pool lane while
fulfilling the purpose

of the RealDoll.

Maybe a trucker goes by.

You say, "Hey, Janine,
give him a show."

Maybe later you ask yourself
some tough questions, like,

"Why is it so
important to you

to impress and
excite truckers?"

Anyhoo, grab that
letter opener.

I'm gonna show you why you
should never mail cash.

Another good postal tip is,

if you wait to deliver
your mail at night,

you can smell a lot
of really nice dinners.

Oh, no, it's that
Amazon drone.

Try to ignore it.

Hey, Cleveland,
what are you doing?

Taking a walk?

No, I'm delivering mail.

By foot?

Yeah, that won't take too long.

Well, got to go.

Got to deliver these fat pants
to your fat son.

He was harsh but
not untruthful.

We got to special-order
Cleveland Jr.'s pants

from a company that
manufactures grill covers.

Thanks for coming
over, Stewie.

Oh, thanks
for having me.

Quite a place
you've got here.

Your mother seemed nice.

Yeah, I've only met her
a couple of times, but yeah.

This is my bedroom.

Is that car bed
a Bentley?

And is that guy
the driver?

Ready for this evening's
trip to Snoozetown, sir?

Not yet.

Sad story.

He used to drive the bed

for Michael
Jackson's monkey.

CHAUFFEUR: I've seen some
terrible things.

This is extraordinary.

Oh, it's fine,
I suppose,

but you probably have

even nicer things
at your mansion.

I'd love to come
see it sometime.

Oh, um, y-yes,
yes, my mansion.

Y-Yes, you-you should
come see my mansion,

b-by all means.

I mean, not-not
right this minute.

I-I have the U.S.
men's wrestling team there--

I'm gonna kill a wrestler--

but then after that,
you should.

I can't wait.

Come on, let's go see if
the maid brought her son,

so we can push him and
he can't do anything.

God, I like it here,
but what am I doing?

I don't have a fancy house.

I'm living a lie, like FDR.

And so I say to you, America,
we are going to win this war,

we're going to end
this depression,

and there's no reason
to suspect that I cannot walk.

God bless America!

("Hail to the Chief" plays)

And cut.

The newsreel's over.

Thank you, Mr. President.

You're welcome, gentlemen.

Now, if you'd kindly kick me
into the closet with the mops.

Ah, must be a Yale man.

Shut up.

Hello, loyal mailwoman.

This is a letter
to Hollywood,

saying, "Keep it up!
Movies are great!"

Cleveland, what should
I do with this?

I-It just says
"Hollywood, U.S.A.,"

and this isn't a stamp,

it's the little
sticker from an apple.

Oh, I can't never
get those off.

I just eat them.

Anyway, just put
it in here.

But what's that?

It's the dead letter bin.

It's all the stale mail
what never got delivered

for one reason or the other:
incomplete addresses,

house at the top of a hill,
anyone who uses one of those

French sevens with
a slash in it.

Well, this is horrible.

I'm going to organize these.

There might be some
we could resend.

That's above
and beyond, Lois.

You know, you do
the uniform proud,

like I like to think I--

oh, chili dog got me.

Look at all these.

This is a mess.

Here's two that
are stuck together.

What the hell?

This is from Peter.

Who the hell is Gretchen Mercer?

And this is postmarked
a week before our wedding!

Aw, there was a time
when the president

of the Jonathan Taylor Thomas
Fan Club got a lot of mail.

I don't know
what to do, Bonnie.

Why would Peter
write a letter

to another woman
just before our wedding?

Why don't you just
open it and read it?

What?!

Th-That's a
federal offense.

I can't do that.

Don't you realize,
as a postal employee,

I'm 6,004th in line
for the presidency?

Well, then why don't you
just deliver the letter

and see for yourself
who this Gretchen Mercer is?

Bonnie,
that's a great idea.

Although it could be
a little awkward.

You could always just
ask Peter about it.

No, he won't talk
about anything serious

unless there's
a crackling fire

to punctuate uncomfortable
family revelations.

(fire crackling)

I didn't fall
off the roof.

I jumped.

(fire crackling)

I never found
you attractive,

and what's more,
I never respected you.

(fire crackling)

I know about Maurice.

(fire crackling)

Which Maurice?

Oh, Brian,
I need your help!

Chadley wants to
have a playdate,

here at my house!

Well, that's great.
No, it's not!

I can't let him
see this dump.

Come on, Stewie, Chadley should
like you for who are.

Besides, this place
isn't so bad.

Brian, Chadley's parents
each have their own bathroom.

I've seen the fat man
pee through Lois' legs

while she's sitting
on the toilet.

What I've got to do
is find a spectacular house

that I can pretend is mine
to impress Chadley.

Oh, why don't you just
use Babs and Carter's?

I can't, they're having

an Eyes Wide Shut
party all weekend.

I can't find my wiener
with this mask.

All right, time-out.

Let's-let's all just find

our wieners and then
put the masks back on.

Okay, 940,
this is the house.

(doorbell rings)

Hi, are you
Gretchen Mercer?

Yes, may I help you?

Oh, yeah, we found an old
letter addressed to you.

Peter Griffin?

Wow, this is from
an old boyfriend.

What?

(laughs nervously)

Wow, well, um,
here-here's the nutty thing:

believe it or not,

I'm actually married
to Peter Griffin right now.

Huh, that is quite
a coincidence.

I wonder why he
was writing me.

I see you move
your finger along

as you read.

That's what
little kids do.

Oh, it was nothing.

He was just writing
to say that he was excited

about getting married
and that he finally had enough

Camel Cash to get a leather
jacket and a pool floatie.

Huh, well,
thank you, Gretchen.

I am very relieved.

I was thinking the worst.

Oh, I understand,

but you have nothing
to worry about.

You're right.

I guess jealousy's
my weak spot.

(chuckling):
Everyone has one.

Even Achilles.

So, you can only be injured
on your Achilles' tendon?

That's right.

My mother dipped me
into the River Styx

and she held me by my heels,

so that's the only part
that can be injured.

How about you, Testiclies?

It's the same--
it's-it's-it's similar.

(piano music playing)

So, what do you think
of the house, Brian?

As far as Chadley knows,
this is where I live.

Stewie, who owns
this place?

Oh, just some rich
idiot I saw bragging

about his vacation
on Instagram.

He posted a picture
of his feet in sand.

You're a guy,
don't do that.

What a dick.

Hey, I'll swallow
his dental floss.

You pull it out of me

and put it back
on the roll.

Good call.

(doorbell rings)

Ah, that must be Chadley.

Hi, Stewie.

I love your house.

Where are your servants?

Oh, probably
cooking bananas

and doing the
cha-cha-cha.

You know, this is a
great house for a party.

You could invite
the whole class.

I-I say,
that's a brilliant idea!

What the hell
are you doing?

Relax, these people
are gone for a few more days.

I'll invite everyone over

and impress the whole
class in one shot.

That'll cover my
playdates for a year.

You really think
that'll work?

Absolutely.

And when it does,
I'll be as popular

as the first kid in school

to get his driver's license.

Hey, heard you
got your license.

(seductively):
Maybe after school,

you could take me
to get some groceries?

(seductively): Yeah, or maybe you and me
hop in that car of yours

and do some
grocery shopping?

(seductively): Looks like you have
a roomy backseat.

I'd love to fill that
with groceries after school.

Hey, it's Stewie.

All I know about cars
is what my mom does.

(knocking at door)

Gretchen?!

Wow, you look great!

Yeah, I didn't have kids.

Oh, yeah, of course,

but what the hell
are you doing here?!

I haven't seen
you in 20 years!

Peter, I finally got
your letter.

You know, the one where you said
that you were having doubts

about marrying Lois
and you still had thoughts

about marrying me.

Gretchen, I wrote
that a long time ago.

Well, my answer
is yes, Peter.

Yes, I will marry you!

Gretchen,
I am already happily--

moderately hap--
relative-- I am--

I am married.

Oh, then I suppose your wife
is entitled to know

that you were still
in love with me

just days before your wedding.

(Peter gasps)

Blackmail!

Thank you, Cleveland.

And I don't know
what to call the thing

you're doing to me, lady.

Look, Gretchen,
I-I know I wrote you

that letter, and-and-and
I meant it at the time, but...

it was 20 years ago!

I may have had some
doubts before my wedding,

but what guy doesn't?

And now I know

I made the right choice
marrying Lois.

(sighs)
Well, she's a lucky woman,

and I'm sorry for what I said.

I certainly don't want
to cause any trouble for you.

It's just that when I got
this letter, it reminded me

how sweet and funny
you always were.

That's nice,
but I-I should go.

Thanks for not making
fun of me for ordering

a hot chocolate,

and go ahead
and look into Facebook

'cause this is kind of
what it's for.

Wait, before we say
our final good-bye,

what do you say we
have one last hurrah?

I've got two tickets

to a Ray LaMontagne
concert tonight.

Oh, I-I'm not sure
that's a good idea.

It feels a little weird
going out with another lady.

Oh, come on, Peter,
I drove all this way.

Let me go home
with one last good memory,

and then I promise,
you have heard

the last of Gretchen Mercer.

Well, I should
probably say no,

but I've never been
known for my good judgment.

I mean, that's how
I got into trouble

with the Peter Catcher.

(bells ring)

(singsongy):
Oh, Peter!

Come and get your lollipops!

Lollipops!

Come along, Peter!

(whispering):
Peter, you mustn't.

I've got cream pies.

Trinkle tarts.

Trinkle tarts!

(laughing)

(laughs evilly)

I'm gonna get so molested.

Oh, Peter, you can take
off your hat and jacket.

It's not illegal for two old
friends to go to a concert.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

I mean it's not like
anybody I know would be

at a Ray LaMontagne concert.

MAN:
Peter!

Where'd he go?

I'm-I'm gonna
keep the hat on.

I'm sorry, Gretchen.

This-this was a mistake.

I just feel too guilty

being out with another woman.

I can't do this to Lois.

Ah, I understand.

(chuckles)

Well, I guess there's no shame

in coming in second, huh?

That's right.

Except in, like, wars.

Aw, you are still
funny, sweet Peter.

Yeah, I guess so.

All right, I got to go.

The beard inspector's
coming, anyway.

Uh, sir, where's
your beard?

I'm leaving.
I'm on my way out.

That's my Peter.

That's my Peter.

(dance music plays)

Wow, looks like
you're actually gonna

get away with this, Stewie.

(laughing):
And you threw a good party.

Yeah, it's getting
pretty wild.

Over in the guest bedroom

there's a girl
pulling a train.

This'll show my dad.

Hey, by the way,
how'd you pay for all this?

I dated Donald Sterling
for two weeks.

He's a good man!

You don't know him
like I know him!

(children chattering)

People.
People?

As your rich host, I would
like to say a word if I may.

I cannot tell you how pleased
I am to have finally found

a group of peers with whom

I share so many common
interests...

and here come the people
who live here.

Please let me explain!

I was just worried
you wouldn't accept me

because...

I'm not wealthy
like you are.

Stewie, it's not
that you're poor.

It's that you lied
to us and you're poor.

♪ ♪

I'm sorry you lost your
rich friends, Stewie.

Well, that's all right,
I don't need money.

I already have
everything I need.

Excuse me, is one
of you Chadley?

You left your
wallet inside.

Chicka-chickaw!

Well, that "chicka-chickaw"

makes me think
you're not Chadley.

Oh, no!

I chicka-chickawed
too early!

Hey, Lois, you mind if
I cut out of here?

Not at all.
Thanks.

Not to be too intimate,

but I need to have
a bowel movement

and I can't go here.

I can only go at home
or at the Koo Koo Roo.

(door creaks)

Hello?

I-Is someone there?

I thought I heard something
over the roar of my tinnitus.

Oh, I'm-I'm sure it's nothing.

(phone chimes)
Ooh, a text.

"I'm taking care of our problem.

"We'll be together soon.

Love, Gretchen."

Huh.

Meg, you're kind of
a loner psychopath.

What does this mean?

Oh, this woman is
clearly a spurned lover

who's planning to kill Mom.

Ah, thank you.

(whines nervously)

You're a good dog, Meg.

(whines nervously)

Well, well, well...

if it isn't the first
Mrs. Griffin.

Gretchen?

What are you doing here?

Making sure Peter can
finally be with me,

which is what
he's always wanted.

Gretchen, it's 3:15
on a workday.

The post office is closed.

Lois!

Gretchen wants to kill you,

and I have a slip that
says we've got a package?

Peter, I'm glad
you're here to see this.

You and I can
finally be together.

Peter, what's going on?!

She's nuts is
what's going on!

I don't want
to be with her!

Oh, yeah?

That's not
what you wrote.

That's right.

I lied about what
was in that letter.

Lois, Lois,
before you read that,

you need to know one thing:

I'm the one throwing out
all your beige bras.

Guys don't
like beige bras.

You told an ex-girlfriend

a week before our wedding

you were having doubts?!

Lois, Lois, listen to me.

Yes, it is true,
just before we got married,

I was having some doubts.

I mean, your family hated me.

I-I didn't think I was good
enough for you.

We were kids, I was scared.

Weren't you?

No, I was in love,

which is what I thought
you were, too.

I was in love, Lois....

and I still am.

Not a day goes by where I don't

thank my lucky stars
for picking you.

It was the best choice
I ever made.

Now, put that gun down,
Gretchen.

You don't have to do this.

That's right, you don't...

because you can have him.

What?!

I'll never forgive you
for this, Peter.

We're through!

Oh, Peter!

I can't wait
for you to meet

the dogs and
the squirrels.

LOIS:
Hey, Gretchen?

(grunting)

Get away from my husband.

(grunts)

Wait, so you're not mad?

No, Peter, I was lying so
she'd let her guard down.

But what about the letter?

Peter, do you remember me
crying at our wedding?

Sure, it's in
all our pictures.

That's doubt.

But there's no doubt anymore.

You're the only man for me,
Peter Griffin.

(sighing):
I love you, Lois.

Oh, Peter.

Now come on, let's get it
on thru a P.O. box.

Peter, this isn't working.

Well I'm at full go.

Are you sure
you're in the right box.

Yes.

Box 528.

Yes, 528.

Alright, just reach in
and grab it.

Wow Mom, I can't believe you
got fired from the Post Office.

Well, they didn't like me
beating up Gretchen

on federal property,

and then after your father
plugged up that P.O. box,

there was a mutual
parting of the ways.

Well, Stewie, I guess
since Lois lost her job,

you're not going
to be able to go

to that fancy
preschool anymore.

Eh, I don't need school.

I'll be fine.

I'll just become
a YouTube star

like Jenna Marbles.

Who's that?

No one knows,
but she's rich,

as rich as
Ray William Johnson.

Who's that?
Nobody knows, but he's rich,

as rich as Bethany Mota

or Marcus Butler

or Ingrid Nilsen.

This?
This is over.