Family Guy (1998–…): Season 12, Episode 7 - Into Harmony's Way - full transcript

It seems today
that all you see

Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man
who positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy!

We now return
to Muppet Babies.

Piggy, I don't think
Kermie Jr. is doing so well.



Kill me!
I'm in constant pain!

Oh, hey, Quagmire.

Hey, Peter, do you mind
if I hang out here a while?

I accidentally made
eye contact

with a transvestite at a bar,
and he followed me home.

You knew what you
were staring at!

Get out of here, you mess!
You were far away!

I didn't know
what you were!

You know you want me!
Shut up! Now go home!

Nobody saw me come here!

I said, shut up!

Sneak around back.

Oh, sure.
Come on in, Quagmire.

Oh, you don't have
to take your shoes off.



Our house sucks.

So, Quagmire, if you're
some kind of big ladies' man,

how come I never see you
wearing a necklace?

I, uh... that's
not really my thing.

I'll get you one.

Please don't.

Hey, come on!

The guy wants
to get you a necklace,

let him get you a necklace!

Ah! Ah!
There's a bee in here!

Can you take it up here...?

Wow, we sound
amazing together!

I know!
That was incredible!

You know, we should do
something with this.

Yeah, maybe we could open up
a mattress store.

Or we could try singing.

Yeah, singing,
that's good!

Wow, finally,
something in my life

that makes me feel special.

I mean, except for when
I had those cow udders.

So, as you can see,
the fiscal projections

for the fourth quarter make
this thing a slam dunk.

Any questions?

Not about my cow udders.

All right, then, looks like
we got ourselves a deal.

This is cause
for celebration.

I don't care,
I'm not driving.

Okay, what do you got
for a lyric?

"I put a booger on a
painting at the museum."

Is that... is
that anything?

Maybe, maybe.

All right, I got one.

Alyssa Milano

I knew you were gonna be hot

When you were nine.

How about this?

Every food tastes good
with melted cheese

I like twins,
unless they're Siamese.

There you go!
Now we're jazzin'.

Don't store your condoms
in your billfold

Those things don't work
if they get dry and old

Broken rubber...

Broken rubber!

Guys, I'm trying to do
something up here

that works better
if I don't hear men singing!

Oh, damn,
we're out of paper.

Oh, we'll get some more
down at Mort's.

But, Quagmire,
we are on fire here!

We're gonna be the best thing
since sliced bread!

I'd like a sandwich,
but I don't feel like eating

two whole loaves of bread.

Tough!

Hey, do you mind
paying for this?

I don't have any cash.

Sure, I'll just put it
on my credit card.

I'm never gonna
pay it back anyway.

'Cause I have $30,000
in credit card debt

When they call,
I tell them

I can't pay it back yet

Credit card debt

Tomorrow I may buy myself

A dining room set

Or this Boba Fett!

Credit card debt,
credit card debt

Credit card debt.

What is that sound?

It's like two Mandy Patinkins
walked into my store!

Was that you guys singing?

Yeah.

That was beautiful.
And it must be original,

because I know every song
about money,

and I've never heard
that one before.

Well, it was based
on actual events.

Although, I-I don't have
as cavalier an attitude

toward my debt
as the song suggests.

I'm-I'm actually
up most nights

with severe
panic attacks.

I-I've taken to
throwing up in the yard

so my wife
won't hear me.

Well, you guys have got
something special

with those harmonies.

They could give me five
years salary, tax free,

and it wouldn't put
a dent in my problem.

You really think
we're good?

Oh, yeah.

And I should know.

Back in the 1970s,

I used to have my own
record label, Mort Town.

I managed
all the hottest disco acts.

I even managed
Earth, Wind, Fire & Pollen

for a little while,
but I had to give it up.

Do you remember

The 21st night
of September?

Oh! September is
the worst month for pollen!

I had it all.

But it soon all came
to a very ugly end.

How come?

I got addicted to olives.
They were everywhere.

It was so easy to get
your hands on them.

By 1975,
the olives had control.

It was awful.

I lost weight,

my hair straightened,
even my voice changed.

I didn't recognize the man
I saw in the mirror.

What has happened
to you, Mort Goldman?

You've hit rock bottom.

I'm lucky to be alive today.

Anyway, you guys got
the talent,

but what you need
is a manager.

Someone with no talent

who can take a lion's share
of your earnings.

You'd do that for us?

Sure I would.
So, what do you say?

Can I be your manager?

You betcha!
All right!

Put her there!

No, I've seen
your prescriptions.

Let's just say
we're doing it.

Well, Mort, I hope
I can trust you.

I've been lied to before.

Well, I'm off to work.
Bye, guys! Love you!

Love you, too!

Bye! Love you!
Love you, Pop!

He bought it!

What an idiot!

I hate him so much
I'm shaking!

All right, fellas,
open mic at the library.

Your first gig.
Go get 'em!

Hey, do I have time to get
a drink at the water fountain

where the water does not crest
above the dispenser?

Sure.

I can taste
the previous person's cough.

Fellow cardholders,

please put your hands together
for Griffin and Quagmire!

I can't poop
in strange places

Strange places

I can only poop
in my home

It's as though
I'm watched by strange faces

Strange faces

It's why I never roam

Excuse me,
I just want

to grab one of
those newspapers.

Just grab one
and go!

I'm looking for a job, okay?!

I've left Stewie alone
with strangers

Strangers

To satisfy
my fecal needs

I've put my whole family
in danger

To poop
before my anus bleeds

Home bowl, home bowl

You know just what I need

Home bowl, home bowl

Poop before my anus bleeds.

Aw, everybody left.

Well, this was
a waste of time.

I could have gone hiking
with the girls.

We don't hike.

We just wear tight pants
and get coffee.

Well, I guess no one cares
about our music.

I thought we were
pretty good.

Yeah, I've seen
worse performances.

I was walking home around
8:15 p.m. to my car.

It was very dark, and then
I-I heard the footsteps...

Boo! Get to the sex!

Guys, I got great news!

Oh, what is it, Mort?

I put your performance
on JewTube.

The promoters of the New England
Music Festival saw it,

and they want
to book you!

What?!
Are you kidding me?!

Oh, my God,
you hear that, Quagmire?

We're on our way!

We got to celebrate like
girls in their 20s!

Oh, my God, we are so random!

You got booked at
the New England Music Festival?

Oh, my God, Peter,
that's amazing!

I had no idea you and Quagmire
could even sing!

Now let this be
a lesson to you kids.

If you randomly stumble
upon an amazing talent,

and then someone important
sees it by wild coincidence,

great things can happen
without any hard work.

I'm gonna go jump off
the roof and see if I can fly!

That's it, Chris,
pursue your dream!

A singer, huh?
You as good as the guys

who sing "Happy Birthday"
at Macaroni Grill?

Oh, don't compare me...

Look, they been doing it
for years.

Imagine, my Peter,
the big singing star!

Don't forget about us squares
back at home.

Don't you worry, Lois.

No one has stronger marriages

and more well-adjusted kids
than rock stars.

It's working!

What you doing
with that doll?

Oh, hello, Vinny.

Rupert and I are just having
a spritzer and some cheese

in advance
of the performance.

I wouldn't do that.
Why not?

You know,
there was a guy

on my old block,
Johnny Chickstuff.

We called him that because
he used to like to, uh...

Do chick stuff?

Do chick stuff!
Exactly.

Anyway, a bunch of us
got together

and beat him with a grill lid
and windshield wipers,

and let's just say, uh, he
don't do chick stuff no more.

'Cause of the beatin's?

Yeah. He wasn't
exactly like us,

so we had to
almost kill him.

That sounds terrible.
What happened to him?

I don't know.
Soon thereafter,

a girl in the neighborhood
married a black guy,

so we all kind of turned
our attention to that.

Look at us, Quagmire.

We're making music,
living the dream.

And to think,
just last week,

my only creative outlet was
picking hockey fights at work.

Griffin, I need
these shipping reports

filled out by 5:00 today.

Hey, Peter, I just wanted
to wish you good luck.

Oh, that's great.
Thank you so much.

What's your name, honey?

It's me, Lois.

All right,
backstage whore,

here's the key
to my hotel room.

You can flush the dump I left in there.
What?!

Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome
Griffin and Quagmire!

Peter, we're on!

Have you ever put butter
on a Pop-Tart?

It's so frickin' good

Have you ever put butter
on a Pop-Tart?

If you haven't,
then I think you should

I was sittin' in the kitchen
one day

And I was itchin'
to fill up my belly

With the pipin' hot jelly

Of the best damn treat
in the world

He's talking Pop-Tarts!

And I saw a stick of butter
and it almost made me shudder

And scream like a baby girl

I don't want a giant penis
or a rocket trip to Venus

I don't want
to win the lottery

I just want to squat
and gobble

Till I'm dizzy and I wobble

In a butter, fruit
and dough tart dream

So I put butter
on a Pop-Tart

It was so frickin' good

Have you ever put
butter on a Pop-Tart?

If you haven't,
then I think you should

Everybody come
along with us!

Have you ever put butter on a...
Pop-Tart!

It's so frickin' good
Yeah!

Have you ever put
butter on a...

Pop-Tart!
If you haven't

Then I think you should.

Pop-Tart!

With butter?!

Hey, you guys were great.

Aw, thanks.
My name's Ricky.

I'm with Sony Records.

Our company's gonna be around
for at least three more weeks,

and we want to sign you.

I'll need to discuss this
with my associate.

I don't know, it-it seems
wrong to just dump Mort.

He's our friend.
Doesn't that matter?

Quagmire, you remember I told
you about that dream I drew?

Yeah?
We're halfway there.

I think if we do this,
we'll get the giraffe.

Okay, okay, I'm in.

You got a deal.

Great!
I'm gonna get you on tour.

This is the beginning
of something big.

Great news, guys!

I may have gotten you booked
at a horse's birthday party.

Mort, you're fired.
What?

Sorry, Mort, but this is
a cutthroat business.

And we need someone tough
in our corner.

Like Indonesian kickboxer
Agoos Bahnwati.

Come on. Come on.

Come on,
come on.

Disappear, disappear.

Come on. Come on.

Peter, I heard you fired Mort.

He's your friend.

He's the one that got you
to where you are today.

Lois, my transcendent talent
got me to where I am.

Peter, I don't like what
success is doing to you.

Yeah, well, I don't like
what time is doing to you.

Droop, droop...

Hey, Chris, you ready
with my luggage?

Luggage? For what?

We're going on tour, Lois.

Here you go, Dad.

I emptied this out so
it'd be easier to carry.

Oh, you're right, it is easier.

Good thinking, son.

All right, see you guys
in two months.

Peter, you can't go away
for two months now.

You'll miss Thanksgiving.

I'm sorry, but you're
gonna have to choose

between music and family.

If I choose family,

does it have to
be this family?

Yes, Peter, this family.

So make your choice.

Very well,
this scavenger hunt

will provide you
with my answer.

Here it is...
a penny from 1858!

We're getting closer
to our answer.

Wake up, Mom!
He chose the music!

You know, Quagmire,

I feel kind of bad
leaving the family like this

with Thanksgiving coming up.

I mean, if I'm not there,
who's gonna carve the turkey?

I don't understand!

On a tour
of one-night stands

My suitcase and guitar
in hand

And every stop

Is neatly planned
for a poet

And a one-man band.

Everyone from Florida
is stupid

Everyone from
Florida is dumb

I might not be
the brightest guy

But next to them,
my IQ's high

If they had guitars,
here's how they'd strum

Why the hell do you brush
your teeth at work?

Why the hell do you brush
your teeth at work?

The bathroom's
full of poop and pee

And now you've rubbed
that on your teeth

Like you're gonna kiss
someone at 3:00.

Get out of the left lane

You stupid Asian bitch

I don't even know
why you are there.

I...

Have become

Comfortably numb.

Okay, Mr. Griffin.

Now you've got
your flu shot.

Will you stop
giving him flu shots, man?

We got a show to do!

Ah, Quagmire, it's cool,
it's cool.

This is the doctor
that killed Michael Jackson.

Yesterday, I learned
the difference

between a train and a boat.

I wrote this song
before that.

Train on the water

Boat on a track

Train on the water

Boat on a track

My lady took a train
across the Atlantic

I hope it don't sink
like the Titanic

I went to the station,
caught a boat downtown

I hope it don't fall
off the track and I drown

Ladies and gentlemen,

the All-Five-Foot-One
Black Albino Choir!

Train on the water

Boat on a track

Train on the water

Boat on a track.

This waitress is prettier
than my wife

I could kill my family
with a knife

We'll sail around
the world by ship

I'll give my whole wad
as a tip

But first I'll kill
my family with a knife

Yes, he's gonna kill
his family with a knife

Irregardless of this waitress,
I will kill them with a knife.

Hold it, hold it.
Stop the tape!

You gonna fart in this
airtight booth all night?

It wasn't me.

We're the only
two people in here!

Hey, Bobby, can you play
back Peter's track?

This waitress

Is prettier than my wife...

Ah! Thank God.

Come on, guys, you've
been bickering all ni...

Oh, God!

We got the album
covers that Peter approved.

Wait, wait, Peter,

you approved these
without consulting me?

Don't worry, they're great.

I can be giggity.

I can be goo.

I can be giggity.

I can be goo.

Hey, Quagmire, wake up.
I got us twins.

Peter, those are guys.

Hell, yeah,
the Winklevoss twins.

They have
good ideas we can steal.

Peter, quit
screwing around!

We're about to go on
national television.

Now, please welcome
our very special musical guests,

Griffin and Quagmire.

Wait, Quagmire, you got
something on your face.

Aah! Damn it, Peter,
that was my eyebrow!

Let's not make a scene.

We're on TV.

You never should look
at your mother's boobies

No matter how big
and round they are

You'll end up seeing
something you don't wanna

It's guaranteed to
leave a mental scar

You never should look
at your daddy's penis

When he's walking down
the hall on Sunday morn

An acorn in a nest of twigs,
and underneath two fetal pigs

It'll make you wish
you weren't even born

Parents are gross,
parents are gross

Parents are gross,
parents are gross...

Come on, you.
Get out of there.

My pick's in here.

Come on!

Come... Uhp, uhp, it just
skipped right over the strings!

Yup, there it goes again.

I saw it!
I totally saw it!

All right, that's it!

We're done!
Do you hear me? I quit!

Hey, y-your makeup lady
was crying earlier.

Wh-What was that about?

This is my time.

Don't ever
talk to me

during my time!

Well, kids,
happy Thanksgiving.

I wish Dad was here.

Meg, could you zip up your fly?

Th-That's kind of
wafting over here.

I can't poop

In strange places

Peter?
Dad?

Oh, boy.

Larry, you got
to get out of here.

It's been a great
two months!

Meg, keep painting!

I'm so sorry
that I left my family

And that I decided to roam.

Peter, what are you doing here?

Me and Quagmire kind
of had a falling out.

And after that,
I-I realized I...

Meg, can you please stop

stuffing your face
for two seconds?

Look, I'm sorry
for being a jerk,

and letting a little fame
go to my head.

I just hope you guys
can forgive me.

Oh, Peter.

I missed you so much.

Oh, we missed you, too.

But I understand.

You had to go
chase your dream.

And a part of me
is glad you did.

But now I'm just happy
that you're home.

Welcome home, Dad!

So, did you get a lot of
trim on the road, Dad?

Chris, that's inappropriate.

Hey, you got room for another?

Quagmire?

I thought you were
still out on the road.

I was, but then I thought,

what was Simon
without Garfunkel?

Wildly successful?

Yeah, but all that success
would mean nothing

if I lost my best friend.

Do you... do you think
you can forgive me?

Oh, Quagmire.

Well, I'm glad to have you back
home for Thanksgiving, Peter.

And I'm glad to be here.

'Cause everyone knows
that life after being famous

is even better
than it was before.

Let me just grab my
stuff off the bus.

I don't want a giant penis
or a rocket trip to Venus

I don't want
to win the lottery

I just wanna squat
and gobble

Till I'm dizzy and I wobble

In a butter, fruit
and dough tart dream

So I put butter
on a Pop-Tart

It was so frickin' good

Have you ever put
butter on a Pop-Tart?

If you haven't,
then I think you should

Everybody come along with us!

Have you ever put
butter on a...

Pop-Tart!

It's so frickin' good

Yeah, have you ever put
butter on a...

Pop-Tart!

If you haven't,
then I think you should.