Family Guy (1998–…): Season 12, Episode 8 - Christmas Guy - full transcript

? it seems today
that all you see ?

? is violence in movies
and sex on tv ?

? but where are those
good old-fashioned values ?

? on which we used to rely?

? lucky there's a family guy

? lucky there's a man
who positively can do ?

? all the things that make us

? laugh and cry

? he's... A...
Fam... Ily... Guy! ?

Announcer (over tv):
We now return to home alone
with competent robbers.

Hey, be careful. There's
cars on the floor here.



Thanks.
That's weird, huh?

Yeah. The doorknob
was really hot,

But I just let go instead
of holding onto it.

And there's some ice
on the stairs to the basement,

So I guess just
don't go down there.

Just so you guys know,
I have a tarantula.

Well, now there
are no witnesses.

Come on, everybody,
let's go to the mall.

It's time for the
christmas carnival.

It's stewie's
first christmas.

Again?

I love the
christmas carnival!

Chris, calm down.

You're giving
yourself a nosebleed.



You know, the best thing
about the quahog mall

Is going into tiffany's
and doing everything possible

To make 'em think I might
actually buy something.

Oh, this is lovely.
Just lovely.

How much is this?

$1,200.

Great, great.

That's all? A-and how late
are you open this evening?

Until 7:00.

Perfect, perfect.

And you accept
credit cards and cash?
Yes.

And what's your name?

I want to make sure you
get credit for this sale.

Evan.
Oh, that's a great name.

Oh, and these watches here,

If I wanted to get 11 of them
for different groomsmen,

Could they each get
engraved individually?
Yes.

And you do that on site?
Yes.

Fantastic. Now, the groomsmen's
names are blake, hayden, edgar,

Blake d., elliott,
milo, cooper...

Why aren't you writing
any of these down?

You're wearing sbarro
wrappers for shoes, sir.

There may have been
a trade.

Hey, nice outfit.

Fancy pair of shoes, too.

Do you, do you only use
adjectives sarcastically?

Great question,
smart guy.

What the hell?
Where's all the decorations?

And the big christmas tree?

Oh, look, there's santa.

Peter, no.

That's a hells angel.

What do you want?

Meth?

Okay.

There's no
christmas carnival, dad.

You seem to know
a lot about this, meg.

What did you do?

No christmas carnival?

Whoever is responsible
for this

Shall suffer
my eternal wrath.

(chuckles)
who's this guy?

Tough don't sell
in curly-toed shoes.

Leave me alone.

Why don't you go bother
the cologne salesman at macy's?

I want something I
can wear on the street

That a broad can smell
on a fire escape.

There's gotta be
an explanation for this.

Let's ask that security guard

Who has everything on
his belt except a gun.

E-excuse me, sir?

It's "officer."

No, it's not.
It's barely "sir."

Yeah, I know.

Where is
the christmas carnival?

Canceled.
I don't know why.

I'm just a small cog
in this operation.

You hear that, dad?

You're not the only one
around here with a small cog.

Peter and lois:
I told you that
in confidence, chris.

Daddy, where's santa?

Was he killed by muslims?

Oh, my god,
poor stewie.

He's so
disappointed.

Of course he is, lois.
I feel the same way.

How come every time
I'm feelin' happy,

Somebody's gotta
come along and ruin it?

Are you enjoying
your coffee, sir?

Yeah, it's very
smooth. Good flavor.

What if we told you that
we secretly replaced your coffee

With folgers crystals?

Wouldn't you
feel like a dumbass?

'cause of how you just
raved about it just now?

You stupid
son of a bitch.

Boy, stewie was
really upset

About the christmas
carnival being canceled.

He's been acting
out all week.

Ah, I'm sure he'll
be over it in no time.

Besides, how much trouble
can he cause? He's a baby.

(hisses)

Announcer (over tv):
We now return to
miracle on 134th street.

Oh, my god, I left
my phone in my car.

Wow, it's still there.

Hey, I've been askin' around
about this carnival thing.

Turns out I know a guy
who knows a guy

Who knows another guy
who knows a girl,

Which is weird because they
don't usually know nothin',

Who says the carnival was
canceled by the mall's owner,

Some guy named
carter pewterschmidt.

Oh, my god.

So I got another guy workin'
on findin' out who that is.

It's my father.

Oh! This is a twist
I did not expect.

Oh! Excuse me, I'm just gonna
have to "oh" this out

Until I'm not
surprised anymore.

Oh! Oh! Oh.

Oh... Oh. Oh.

Lois, before I get mad
at your dad,

H-he isn't the little
caesars guy, is he?

No, peter,
we've been through this.

Good. I could never
be mad at that guy.

He says my favorite word
twice in a row.

Now, I'm gonna go
talk to your father

And get him to bring back
the christmas carnival.

Peter, I don't think
that's gonna work.

Sure, it will.

The nerve of your dad, takin'
the fun out of christmas,

Like some kind of
gluten-free santa.

Hey. Hey,
what's in these?

Huh?

I'm okay if it's,
like, coconut flour.

But anything with actual
grains, I can't do.

I'm not sure.

Well, who is sure?

(squeaking)

Woman:
Mr. Pewterschmidt,
there's a man here

Who says he's the guy whose
picture is on all the money.

Holy cow. Send him in.

Griffin.

That's right, and this is my
own people magazine from home

And not from your
waiting room just now,

And why did you cancel
the christmas carnival?

Because I hate christmas.

You know what it's like being
rich at christmas, griffin?

Everyone expects an expensive
present, and I get nothing.

Did you... Did you just have
your hand in my fish tank?

No.

Sheesh, carter,
you know what?

I am gonna help you find
the christmas spirit

So you bring back
the carnival.

Look, are we done here?

Um, yeah, uh, just
one more thing.

Can I choose one
thing in your office
to take home with me?

No.

Aw, too bad. 'cause I
was gonna choose you.

You're weird.
You're a weird guy.

No. No-no, no.

I want to zip it.

(grunts)

It's okay, peter,
you're good at other stuff.

So you're gonna
help your old man

Find his christmas
spirit again, huh?

Oh, yeah, that
sounds real bad,

Her father don't
like christmas.

My father was drowned
to death in a birdbath

By an officer
of the law.

His will just said,

"kick jimmy in the sack
for me. Go, eagles."

My sympathies, vinny.

Don't worry about it,
he was a scumbag.

Are you sure
about this, peter?

I mean, I know
stewie was disappointed

About the carnival,
but he'll get over it.

He's a happy,
resilient baby.

I don't know, lois.

I feel like if we
don't do something,

Stewie's first
words are gonna be,

"why did you
kill christmas?"

And I want the
carnival back, too.

You know, I know I'm usually
all business, but deep down,

You know what the thing
is that keeps me going

More than
anything else?

Wonder.

A sense of wonder.

Well, you have your work
cut out for you, peter.

My father's always
hated christmas.

Hey, happy June 16.

Thought I'd see how
you like it when someone

Breaks into your house
and touches all your stuff.

Hey. Knock it off.

I'm touching this.
And this over here.

You're a creep,
is my point.

All right, carter, now,
you know what's guaranteed

To put you
in the holiday mood?

Write a christmas letter

To all your friends
and relatives.

And keep in mind,
it's traditional to embellish

A little bit to make
yourself look better.

"peter had a
great year,

"and is now starting
quarterback

For the jacksonville
jaguars."

What? People can easily
fact-check this.

Yeah, who has the time?
Keep reading.

"chris refurbished a
vintage motorcycle,

"and stewie can
slam-dunk a basketball

From a standing
start..."

Peter, that's
impossible.

Read what it says
about you.

"lois's father,
carter pewterschmidt,

Bought a small stool
for his balls."

Damn it, I'm not
proud of that.

Well, you have to
throw in some real facts.

That's what gives
the newsletter credibility.

Now, everyone knows
the best way to get
the christmas spirit

Is to drink a whole lot
of thick, frothy eggnog.

So get going.

I don't like eggnog.

Drink the nog, carter.

I don't... I don't want to.

Take it, carter.
Take all the nog.

(coughs)

No.

Yeah, you like that nog.

Don't spit
the nog out.

Now look at the
camera for a pov shot.

Say thank you with
the nog in your mouth.

Thank you.
Louder.

Thank you.

Good, now go down
to the hotel lobby
and check out

With nog all
over your face.

All right.

You know, I still
don't like christmas,

But I kind of like
what we just did.

Okay, carter, a big part
of christmas is masturbating

Like you would any other day
but feeling guilty about it

Because it's christmas.

(sighs) what's
wrong with me?

Griffin,
this isn't working.

What? What do you mean?

I-I'm not getting
the holiday spirit,

So you can stop trying.

But carter, it's
not just for me.

Think about stewie.

He's all upset 'cause
there's no carnival.

Heh.
Different dog.

Yeah, this one's, like,
italian or something.

Anyway, I think
we're done here.

No christmas carnival.

Wow, carter. I had no
idea you were jewish.

What? Is... Is that
how this is coming off?

Yeah, kind of.

I mean, that's what
everyone's saying.

People think I'm jewish?

Oh, this christmas carnival
has everything. Games, food.

Oh, my god, it's the carolers
from a christmas story.

? deck the harrs
with boughs of horry ?

? fa ra ra ra ra
ra ra ra ra ?

That's right, america,
don't forget.

Your beloved holiday movie
is incredibly racist.

And flom
not that rong ago.

What's wrong with you,
stews?

You're next up
to see the big guy himself

And you look like a piece
of spaghetti on the street.

I don't know. I thought
having the carnival back

Would make me happy,

But it still feels like
something's missing.

Yeah, it's always somethin'.

Like when I finally got
to sleep with mary lou gallo.

She had a look,
but when you got up close,

She also had a smell.

Oh, stewie, you're next.

Ho ho ho.

Mall santa is
brought to you

In part this season
by chipotle.

Between good and
garbage, it's chipotle.

So, what do you want
for christmas?

Oh, what do I want
for christmas?

What do I want
for christmas?

You know what I want
for christmas?

I want my friend back.

Your friend?

Yes. My best friend.

My dog, brian.

He's dead.

It's our first christmas
without him

And no one's even
mentioned his name.

I don't care about this stupid
carnival or christmas.

I don't care about
anything except brian.

I want brian.
(sobs)

You want me to put a
dead dog under your tree?

Yes.

(sniffles) and, uh,

I-I'd like
a bike, too.

Announcer:
We now return to the year
without a santa claus or sex.

Daddy, where's
santa clau...

I don't know, okay?!

Should I ask mom?

(laughs) I don't know,
she's so busy with her job.

Vinny:
Hello there, stewart.

What's this?
What are you doing, vinny?

Vinny? Who's vinny?

My name is brian,
aka your favorite dog.

Hey, whose leg do
you gotta gagoosh

To get an amaretto di
saronno around here?

Oh, forget it, vinny.
You're not brian.

Come on, I went through
a lot of trouble.

For example, I know brian
was rather into politics,

So I read the newspaper.

What is goin' on with
all these politics, huh?

Well, that is about brian's
level of political awareness.

Yeah, and you know
how brian wrote

Wish it, want it, do it?

Well, I wrote
a book, too.

A little
something called

Wish it, want it,
you blew it.

Really?

Yup. Let me read
you an expert.

"you wish you
were a millionaire.

"you want more money.
Guess what.

"you blew it.

"you wish you could
change the neighborhood.

"you want to be
a selectman.

"you blew it.

"you wish you could
open up a restaurant.

"you did not want to
pay protection money.

"knock, knock.
Who's there?

You blew it."

You blew it who?

You blew it bad.

You know what the last
page of the book is?

A mirror. So you can see
exactly who blew it.

Being you.

Look, I appreciate
all this, vinny,

But there's only one brian,

And it's tough for me
that he's gone,

Especially around the holidays.

Okay, I know what'll
cheer you up.

How about you open up one
of those christmas presents?

It's from me.

Merry christmas.

What the hell?
There's a foot in this box.

That was supposed to
go to somebody else.

I'm very sorry.

Well, my friends,

I think johnny "the foot"
giatelli is dead.

Oh no.

They killed frankie
"choo-choo" chinelli instead.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
wait a minute.

You sure that's
what this means?

Could be they killed
davey "the box" frateli.

Ooh.
Ooh.
Ooh.

Hold on, it
could also be

They killed jimmy
"tissue paper" scungili.

I just saw jimmy yesterday
at my kid's christening.

So maybe
it wasn't jimmy.

Maybe this
means they killed

Anthony "the air
around the box" minetti.

(gunshot)

Oh, no, they killed

Sal "holding the box
that we can't figure out

What the box means" casella.

Here, I got this
for you, too.

A bowling shirt?

You can wear
it anywhere.

To the beach,
a wedding on the beach,

Beach graduation,
beach funeral,

Business conference
which could be at a beach,

A stroll
through the park,

Should that park be
adjacent to a beach.

Thanks.

What, you
don't like it?

How's about we
go to the mall

And pick out something
you do like?

Well, I suppose
I could browse the toy store.

Possibly pick up
a new action figure.

That's the spirit.

All right, I better get out
of these professor clothes

Before I kick
my own ass.

Okay, stewie.
Pick anything you want, on me.

I don't know. I hate the toy
store this close to christmas.

It's always
been picked clean.

There's plenty of
good stuff here.

Look at this, heavy
bronze sheep bookends.

What kid wouldn't want
to play with these?

"baa. What are
you lookin' at?"

"not much, that's
what I'm lookin' at."

"you want to have a go?"

"I'd watch what I say

With that other sheep
right behind you."

I played this as a kid.

Course, I had to do
it with ashtrays,

But I think the
sheep is better.

Wait a minute.
Who is that?

I think... I think
I know that boy.

Vinny,
that stocking cap.

It's mine.

That boy is me.

Of course.
It's me from the past.

Several months ago,
I time-traveled ahead

To purchase
that christmas toy.

I don't understand, so
I'm angry and hungry.

I'm gonna go
punch a sandwich.

Wow, good timing,
little fella.

This just
came out today.

(chuckling):
Yeah, I kind of
knew that already.

The time machine return pad
is in the backpack

That other stewie is wearing.

I must get
my hands on it, vinny.

Vinny?

That was a
tough sandwich.

As tough as your
mom's fat face.

Hey, leave my mother
out of this.

That woman stitched gloves
till she was 90.

I heard she was
good with her hands.

Nice.

Hey, everybody, we got
a funny sandwich here.

(bleep) (bleep).

Vinny, I need you
to get that stewie

To take off
his backpack.

Listen, stewie,
I'm not following.

I don't have time
to explain.

I've got to
steal something...

That's it. You've
already explained.

You got to steal
something. Got it.

Wait-wait a sec,
what's your plan?

Trust me, I think
I know you well enough

To know how to distract
the other you.

Hey, how you doing?

This may sound a little
presumptuous of me,

But, uh, you ever
do any modeling?

Well, not
professionally,

But I-I-I have
thought about it.

You ought to.

What are you, like,
six-three? Six-four?

Y-y-you're in...
You're in the ballpark.

I-I-I carry
myself taller.

Good posture,
very important.

Oh, I agree.

Let me see, let me see.

That's good.

But I feel like that backpack

Might be hiding
some figure flaws.

(laughs) well, that is where
you are wrong, my friend.

You know, my friends ask me,

"stewie, why do you throw up
after every meal?"

This.

This is why.

All right, whatever
you gotta do, do it quick.

The other you
is in the back

Changing into a pair of
tap shoes, for some reason.

Other stewie:
? animal crackers
in my soup... ?

Hey, where did
that guy go?

Excellent. Now all I've got
to do is set the coordinates

To the moment before
brian got killed

And I can save him.

Oh, yeah, scott bakula
and all that.

Yes, vinny.
Scott bakula.

Well, thank you
for everything.

You bet.

You realize if I save brian,

My family won't
get another dog,

Which means we
will never have met.

I'll probably
never see you again.

Oh.

So, I think this is good-bye.

Hey, I'm man's best friend,

Not some stupid baby's
best friend, right?

Good dog, vinny.
Good dog.

Georgette,
I'm coming home.

Who the hell is georgette?

Okay, brian, I'm just
putting this out there,

But I'm a baby and only dicks
don't let babies win.

God, look at
this day, huh?

You know, usually, I'd be
sitting inside writing,

You'd be working on
one of your machines.

But here we are
enjoying it.

Yes, it is a nice
change of pace.

Oh, wait, I gotta
go grab my knee pads.

I was using them for...
For, for this other thing.

Anyway, I-I'll be
right back.

Brian, look out!

What the hell?

You're alive,
my friend.

What?
Course I'm alive.

What the hell's
going on here?

Brian, that car
killed you.

And when it did, a little
part of me died as well.

I couldn't live without you.

So I came back from the future
to save your life.

Whoa. Wait,
wait a minute.

What are you
talking about?

I saw you destroy
your time machine.

Yes, but luckily, I ran into
another me from the past,

So I stole his return pad
and came back here.

Oh, that reminds me.

I've gotta send this back
where it came from.

Hmm. I'm starting to think
that guy

Wasn't a real modeling agent.

And I'm starting to think
that other guy

Wasn't a real
penis-butt inspector.

Wow, stewie, thank you
for saving my life.

You know, a whole
lot of other families

Would've just gotten a
different dog and moved on.

Oh, oh, we could,
we could never

Do something
like that, brian.

Stewie, what's
happening to you?

I think... My time line
is being erased.

The time line where
you died no longer exists.

Merry christmas, brian.

Hey, who were you
talking to out here?

A pretty awesome guy.

Oh, "pretty awesome guy."

Why don't you
marry him, huh?

All right, game on.

Aah!
(imitates crowd cheering)

Stew-s-a.
Stew-s-a. Stew-s-a.

Oven mitts.
Wow, thanks, mom.

Now you don't
have to ask me

If everything is hot
before you touch it.

Are... Are
the oven mitts hot?

Here you go, stewie.
Merry christmas.

Brian, it's-it's...
Wonderful. Thank you.

Well, you gave me
the greatest gift of all.

I'll tell you
about it sometime.

Brian.

Are we pregnant?

What? No, stewie,
it's nothing like that.

Okay, well, I
have to tell you,

I'm a little
bit relieved.

Look, just, just, thanks
for everything, stewie.

You're my best friend
and I love you.

All I can say, brian,
is you've been making
really creepy eye contact

With me all morning
and I want it to
stop right now.