Family Guy (1998–…): Season 12, Episode 6 - Life of Brian - full transcript

It seems today
that all you see

Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man
who positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy!

Hurry, Brian,
they're gaining on us!

Damn it,
we're surrounded!



Crap, they got away.

Better call the boss.

Damn, I'm not getting
a smoke signal here.

Damn it, Stewie, what
the hell did you do?!

I know, I know,
I messed up.

"I messed up."

You went back
to 17th-century Jamestown

and you gave guns
to the Indians.

And now they're
running everything!

I said I messed up,
all right?!

I guess I just have

this pathological need
to be liked.

Well, it's not
a good trait.

Aw, come on.
Don't say that.



Let me buy you lunch.

Thanks to you, the Indians
killed all the white people

and took over America.

I mean, you're the one
who's always saying,

"Never alter the past."

Oh, come on, Brian,
let's be honest.

I frequently alter
the past.

All right, so, I guess
we'll split the bill 13 ways?

Hey, Judas, he ordered,
like, five margaritas.

All you had
was a salad.

You know, it actually
looks like

the Native Americans have
done all right for themselves.

They do seem to have
a lot of shops.

And it looks like they have
medical care as well.

Ma'am, I'm sorry,
but I've done this

several times today, and your
husband just isn't responding.

Well, have you
tried this?

Ma'am, this is a place
of medicine.

And their popular music
is interesting.

And here it is,
the number one song

for the 10,000th week in a row,

"Huya-Huya-Huya"!

Huya-Huya-Huya-Huya

Huya-Huya-Huya-Huya...

Well, no matter.

We better restore things
to the way they were.

Let's go back to Jamestown
and undo...

Oh, dear.
What? What is it?

The return pad.

Looks like it took some
bullets during our escape.

Doesn't seem
to be working.

Hmm.

What?
Wha-What is that?

What is that, "Hmm"?

Wha-What are
you looking for?

What are you looking
for specifically?

Yeah, that's right.

But I'm afraid
our only hope

is that perhaps
the alternate Stewie

in this universe
has created

his own time machine
that we can use.

Well, let's hope so,

because otherwise
they're gonna kill us.

Yeah, or stick us on

some kind of white
people reservation.

Don't give them
any money.

They're just gonna spend
it all on deviled eggs.

Well, there's my brave warrior.

How was work today?

Oh, it was so annoying.

Everyone was coming around
with their daughters,

selling Girl Scout corn.

Made me feel so guilty,
I had to buy, like, 20 ears.

Hey, shot in the dark, but,
uh, is anyone else in the mood

to run really fast
in one direction?

Look, there it is!

And it looks like he has
a return pad, too.

All right, come on.

Let's get back to Jamestown
and set things right.

Look, there you are
giving them the guns!

What the hell
are you doing there?

You told me you were
checking on the horses.

Well, she's a
sizeable woman.

That's what I meant.

All right, come on.

We've got to get
those guns back.

Hey, hi,
how are you today?

Good to see you.

Listen, uh, we've
just been informed

that these guns
are defective.

Uh, we're from
the gun company.

Um, anyway, you know how

we like to take things back
from you people?

Well, we're gonna go ahead
and take these back.

That's right.
We're from GunCo.

Shut up,
you're blowing it.

Where you taking guns?

Brian, grab
the return pad!

Get 'um paleface!

They're gone.
We can talk normal now.

Well, everything looks
like it should.

Only one way
to be certain.

Okay, let's do
a quick search here.

"Native American
role models."

"Zero results found."

Looks like we did it, Brian.

Ah, thank God!

Hey, what are you gonna do
with all those guns?

I don't know, sell 'em
to some messed up kid?

What the hell is that?

Stewie?

Oh, my God!
What are you doing?!

This time machine has
almost killed us

a hundred times, Brian.

And yesterday was
just too close a call.

So I've decided
to get rid of it

before something
irreparable happens.

But, Stewie,
your-your time machine,

it's, like, your crowning
achievement.

I-I can't believe
you'd just destroy it.

Trust me, Brian,
it's for the best.

And, hey, at least I've
had some fun with it.

Do you know what
I did last week?

I time-traveled
ahead to Christmas

so I wouldn't have
to wait all year

for the new toys
to come out.

Wow, good timing,
little fella.

This just came out today.

Yeah, I kind
of knew that already.

Would you like to donate
an extra dollar

to the Quahog Food Bank?

Oh, sure.

And would you like to come
home and clean my toilet,

while we're both doing
stuff for each other?

Well, I guess that's it.

This is, like,
the end of an era.

Oh, sack up, you twink.

It's just a machine.

God, look at all
the perfectly good stuff

that people just throw out
for no reason.

I don't know.
It's mostly twin mattresses.

If you have
a twin mattress,

aren't you pretty much
a failure as a human being?

No, I mean it.

Like, here, look at this
street hockey net.

It's in great shape.

You know, we should take this
home and set it up.

Get some fresh air,
get some exercise.

Well, I suppose I could
use a new hobby

now that the time
machine is gone.

You sure you're
not gonna miss that thing?

Nah, I was getting
bored of it anyway.

You know, not every
historical event

is all it's
cracked up to be.

Women, we've spent
decades fighting

for our right to vote.

So, when you go to those
booths and cast your ballot,

remember, Warren G. Harding
is way the cutest!

Oh, girls just
want to have fun...

Okay, Brian, I'm just
putting this out there,

but I'm a baby,

and only dicks
don't let babies win.

God, look at
this day, huh?

You know, usually, I'd be
sitting inside writing,

you'd be working on one
of your machines.

But here we are
enjoying it.

Yes, it is a nice change
of pace.

Oh, wait, I got to go
grab my knee pads.

I was using them for...
for-for this other thing.

Anyway,
I'll be right back.

Brian, look out!

Ah, Brian!

Oh, my God!

Brian! Brian, can you hear me?!

Holy crap!
What the hell happened?!

That guy sucked.

Mom, is Brian gonna be okay?

I don't know, Meg.

But this is the best
veterinarian in Quahog.

Brian's getting
the finest care there is.

He had to share the ambulance
with a chicken.

Um, aren't you supposed
to be running around?

Don't talk to me.

You have a bad reputation
in the chicken community.

Doctor, how is Brian?

Is he gonna be okay?

I'm so sorry, Mrs. Griffin,
but Brian's injuries

are just too severe
for us to save him.

I don't know
how much longer he has,

but I suggest that you all go in
and say your good-byes.

Oh, my God!

Brian, no!

I can't believe it.

Y-You're really...

Damn it, Brian,
you can't die!

We were gonna do
so many things together.

We were gonna become
windsurfers.

I was gonna be
a little better than you,

but we were both
gonna be good!

You guys,
I think, I think

Brian's trying
to say something!

You... you've given me
a wonderful life.

I love you all.

I'm sorry, he's gone.

Oh, my God, he's...

Yes, Chris, I'm afraid...

I'm afraid that
our Brian is dead!

Guys, I'm gonna need a few
minutes alone upstairs.

I got to do, like,
a-a sad yank.

Stupid street hockey.

I wish we never went
to that dump.

Oh, this is all my fault.

I'm the one who had to throw
away the damn time machine.

Wait a minute. That's it!

I've just got to rebuild
the time machine,

and then I can go back
and save Brian!

Oh, happy birthday, Neil!

Stewie! How are you?

Oh, not well, Yusuf.
I need your help.

I have to track down
a titanium capacitor

for a high-wattage mainframe
I'm going to construct.

Titanium capacitors?

Sorry, there's no way
to get those anymore.

What do you mean?

You've gotten them
for me before.

I know, but the one guy who made
those drew a doodle of Mohammed,

so he's not around anymore.

He wasn't even doing it
on purpose,

just absentmindedly
while talking on the phone.

But it was Mohammed, so...

you know.

Oh, that's awful.

Okay, Yusuf,
thanks, anyway.

Oh, dear, Rupert,
without those capacitors,

it'll be completely impossible

to build
a functioning time machine.

I guess that means Brian
is really gone for good.

Thank you so much
for coming, guys.

Brian would be very
thankful that you're here.

No problem, Lois.

You know, I usually
don't come to funerals.

Since I'm a cop,

I always wind up getting hit
by a black woman with a purse.

You find the man
who did this.

Uh, ma'am, what's your relationship to Brian?
You bring him to justice!

You make sure this angel child
didn't die for nothing!

Are you sure you're at
the right funeral?

Ma'am, Brian's a dog.
You show the world why you became a cop!

Okay.

Thank you, everyone,
for coming today.

None of you people came
to my funeral!

I know Peter wanted
to say a few words.

Oh, boy, this is, um...

this is probably the worst pain
I've ever had to go through,

and I've sprained
my ankle twice.

Um... the truth is,

Brian wasn't just my dog.

He was my best friend
in the whole world.

He was smart, he was loyal,

and I guess what
I'm trying to say is

he was like a brother to me.

And I-I'm gonna spend

the rest of my life missing him.

We're all gonna
miss him, Peter.

We're all gonna miss him
very much.

Damn it, Ortiz.

Stop swinging at junk.

My God, I almost served
Brian again.

I can't believe he's been gone
a whole month.

Can we at least get rid
of the doggie door

so Chris doesn't keep
getting stuck in it?

Every day I get
a little further in.

You know, I hate to say it,

but I-I'm starting to think
the only way

to stop missing Brian
is to get a new dog.

Or do we all get
Ghostbuster jumpsuits

with our names on them?

Who you gonna call?

The Griffins.

I'm serious, Peter.

I know it might take time
to find the right dog,

but I really feel like
it might be

the best way for us
to move on.

Yeah, Dad.
That would be nice.

All right, well, I guess
it couldn't hurt to look.

Really? Another dog?

Look, I miss Brian
more than any of you,

but at least now
no one's forcing us

to watch
those awful PBS documentaries.

And now PBS presents
Albino Children Are Normal.

So, with the exception of not
being able to go out in the sun,

you're completely normal?

Yes. The moon is my sun.

I like to kill beetles.

Beetles are teachers.

I sleep with a fork.

All right, guys, time to
find a new family dog.

Hey, Chris,
you're kind of a creep.

You should get a ferret.

You're right, I am.

And I will!

I don't know how to choose
between all these dogs.

Hey, you, green pants.

I hear you're looking for a dog
or something.

Oh, finally, someone who sounds
like they went to college.

Hi, I'm Peter.
Vinny.

Oh, Vinny, like the Pooh.

Hey, that's kind of cool.

So, what's your story?

Well, you know,
I'm just a regular guy.

You throw a stick,
maybe I bring it back.

Maybe I bring back
an iPhone that fell off a truck.

So, what do you say?

You want me as your dog?

Yeah, I think I do!

Hey, just out of curiosity,
what breed are you?

Actually, I'm a pussy hound.

Really? All right!

That just means
I'm one-sixteenth cat.

Oh, I wish you
hadn't told me that.

Well, Vinny,
welcome to our home.

All right,
this is good.

This is good.

Hey, you guys got a good
banging-broads couch,

you know that?

Vinny,
you must be starving.

What can I make you
for dinner?

Are you kidding?

You're a hardworking lady.

So, tonight, I'm gonna
make you dinner.

Wow.

Well, thank you, Vinny.

Whoa, whoa, hang on, Lois.

You promised me
we were all eating

my Play-Doh pasta tonight.

Oh, Stewie, did you
make something?

Mmm, oh, it's so yummy.

Num, num, num, num, num.

You better mean
those "nums."

Hey, you,
what's your name?

Chris.

How about I call
you Hat Boy?

Hell yeah!

Lower your voice, Chris.

It's Hat Boy, bitch!

Wow, look at you, Vinny.

It's like you're already
part of the family.

I don't know, fat man,
I think you're jumping the gun.

I mean, crucifixion seemed great
at first, too.

Why are you
doing that?

'Cause I'm mad at this guy.

I'm mad at this jar of
pickles I can't open.

Nail it up.

Hey, guys, I want you to
meet our new dog, Vinny.

Vinny, this is Joe
and Quagmire.

Hey, Vinny.
How you doing?

Real good.

Hey, so I hear
you're a cop.

That's right.

Hey, that's great.

Maybe sometime
you could take me

on a ride-along with you,
show me the neighborhood.

Yeah, I don't take people out
on ride-alongs anymore.

I had a bad experience
with Grimace.

I got to be honest, I can't
get a bead on you, man.

Oh, boy, Vinny, hanging out
with you has been the best.

You want another beer?

No.

I'd love one!

What? What? The first
thing you said was...

Oh, my God!

You're on... you're, like,
on another level, Vinny!

Congratulations.

You've won over
a complete imbecile.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Did you just speak
ill of the man

who busts his tail
providing for you?

He spent my college fund
on puppet clothes.

Hey, don't get fresh
with me, Estudio.

That's not my name.

That's not even
an Italian version of my name.

Oh, whatever.

Hey, Vinny, you
want to see a puppet show?

They all got
leather jackets!

God, what a jerk.

If this guy thinks
he's sticking around,

he's sorely mistaken.

I'm going to ruin him.

Just like I ruined
that magician's act.

People, people, people.

This man drives a Saturn.

All right, Rupert,
I've been left with no choice.

I'm going to tell Vinny
so much bad news

about Italian-Americans

that he goes
into cardiac arrest.

Vinny, there you are.

I have some
terrible news.

Sal Annuncio's kid was
killed by a falling piano!

Oh! How could this happen?!

That kid was
an honors student!

He'd just applied
to SUNY Albany.

He just got in
to SUNY Albany.

Oh!

This is too much, Stewie.

I can't take it.

Oh, my God, it's working.

Hey, Vinny, Bobby
Lammaduro's kid

just got out of
the hospital.

He beat the cancer!

Oh, thank heavens.

Big man in the sky
knows what he's doing.

Chris, what are you doing?

Call me a creep,
you piece of crap!

Hey, Doonesbury,

how about a joke that ain't
for fancy millionaires?

Stewie, what's with
the waterworks?

Oh, um, um...
I-I just...

I realized I paid too much
for my muffler.

Come on, kid,
quit crying.

You're gonna get
your pants wrinkled.

What's the matter?

Fine.

Do you want to know
what's the matter?

You're the matter.

Everyone in this family
is so damn thrilled with you,

they've forgotten
all about Brian.

Well, I'm not thrilled.

I'll never forget Brian.

He was my best friend.

You're not supposed to lose
your best friend at my age.

You're not supposed
to lose him ever!

Look, Stewie, I know it
doesn't seem like it now,

but you're gonna be okay.

Yeah, right.
How do you know?

Because, I once had a thing
happen to me with some stuff.

Really?
That's what's happening to me.

Stuff.

You know, before you guys
found me at the shop,

I lived with an old man
named Leo.

It was just him and me
in a tiny apartment,

and we got pretty tight.

He kind of became
my whole world.

By the time he passed away,
it was real tough.

So, how did he die?

He tried to go
to a yoga class,

and on the first pose, his
ball sack split in half.

Really?

Yeah, it was
on Dateli.

It was a whole thing.

Anyway, I guess Leo was
kind of like my Brian.

Well, so,
how'd you get over him?

Well, I met your family
in the pet store.

When I saw you guys
looking for a dog,

I kind of sensed
you were all going through

the same feelings of loss
that I was.

And it made me think,

hey, maybe I was meant
to find these guys.

Maybe we were meant
to be together.

You know what, Vinny?

I'm starting to think
that may be true.

Bring it in, Stewie.

Hey, Stewie,
now that we're pals,

maybe you can
answer me something.

Why does your living room
smell so much like puke?

Somebody throw up a
lot in there once?

Vinny, my friend, you got a lot
of stories to catch up on.

I got most of them on DVD.

Oh, cool.

Like, by season
and stuff?

No, not by season.

Boy, I can't remember
the last time

Stewie fell asleep
this early.

Well, I think the little guy
had a long day.

All right, come on,
time for bed, Vinny.

I'll tell Peter to turn off
the nightlight this time.

No! I need it
for in case there's witches!

You know, actually, Lois,

I think I'm gonna sleep
in here with Stewie tonight.

Oh, well,
isn't that nice.

Sleep tight, you two.

Good night, Vinny.

Good night, Stewie.

Hey, you guys know
which room is Peter's?

Across the hall.
Ah, it's too bright in there. Never mind.